Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up, this is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. I am regulated and I am ready to roll.

Hello, hello, welcome. I’m so glad that you are tuning into this podcast. I really think it’s going to be very valuable for you, especially if you’re listening in real time, as it is the week between Christmas and New Year’s when everybody’s just kind of like wandering around wondering what day it is. But we all know that as we look to a new year, we start to think about like, what do I want to do? Is there anything I want to change? That’s my phone dinging I’m so sorry, how rude of me. How rude of me to have my phone dinging on this podcast, I’m not going to edit it out your phone dings too, you know, I’m saying we’re just dinging all over the place. I promise to never say that we’re doing again.

Okay, moving on. This is the time of year where we’re looking to what we want out of the next, you know, 365 days. And I have changed a lot in my approach to goal setting, goal planning. If you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, or maybe you’ve just like binged it, in the last couple of months, you I hope have seen a very big transformation of kind of how I approach goals, and how I approach life and people and all the things Good golly, I hope you see a transformation. But anyway, my point is that I hope that this is a very validating, warm, helpful class for you. As you look to the next year, I can tell you exactly what it’s not going to be. And so if you’re weary about whether or not you want to listen to this episode, I want you to know that it is not going to be a shame fest for not getting enough done. And it’s also not going to be a hype fest for hustle, because that is not what I am about. I think it’s going to be a very ADHD friendly class. It is a class that I taught a couple of weeks ago in my group coaching program focused, which is where adults with ADHD from around the globe gather. That’s where we gather, we gather there. And we work on self development for the ADHD brain. And so first of all, if that sounds interesting to you, come join us. And don’t forget to use the promo code self trust to get $70 off your first month during this week, because like, wow, that’s going to be a big savings for you. Okay, but if not enjoy this class. I hope you love it so much. And yeah, here we go. Roll it. Hello, hello, hello, my friends, I want to start out by saying that some of these topics that we are going to be discussing might bring up some big emotions for you. And when that happens, I just encourage you to really take care of yourself. It is very common for us to shame ourselves for what we haven’t been able to do.

And it’s also very common for us to feel defeated. before we’ve even started on like a plan for a new year. This is kind of inevitably the time of year where maybe we get excited. I mean, we’re like this time, it’s going to be different. And I just want to say like maybe, but also, maybe we just live in reality and we just accept who we are. And we make our plan based on who we are. And we make our plan or our create our vision around like a really kind compassionate way of interacting with ourselves. Rather than, like, I’m going to, I’m going to hustle I’m gonna go for I’m going to like make this so uncomfortable. Maybe we approach it with some compassion. Okay, so we’re just gonna throw that out there right at the beginning. I spent the morning working on finishing up the self trust course. And I cannot tell you how deep that content is and how much I think it’s going to really changed your life. And I think that really everything that we talked about today is going to tie into Do you trust yourself? Do Do you believe that you are going to take care of yourself, and that you are going to be okay? No matter what, right.

And so if you feel a little wobbly, while we are having this conversation here, that’s okay. Just understand that got some really important content coming your way. And that is going to help you to feel more grounded, more steady, more self assured, and more willing to take care of yourself in a way that makes sense for you. Not treat yourself the way that others have treated you but rather treat yourself according to your own needs. And I think that as we’re creating a vision for how we want to move forward in the future, that’s going to be really, really important. The self trust content will be available starting January 2, and I cannot wait. It’s going to be so meaningful and important. I just know it. So let’s talk just a little bit about 2023. Before we look to 2024, let’s do a little assessment of 2023. What worked when you look back and I know that time is like confusing, and it’s not really a thing. And it’s, it’s not tangible for us. But if you can do a survey of the year, if you want to open up your calendar, if you want to open up your journal, if you just want to sit here and reflect with me. What worked? What do you feel like you did? Well? What is one thing that you can like put on the list? Have I accomplished this in 2023?

Jen says I allowed discomfort to grow for growth. I allowed myself to feel discomfort and grow. Leila says I survived nursing school. Tom says I took care of myself. It’s amazing. David said I put myself out there socially. Gjakova said, I said no to more projects, have experienced healing from childhood wounds. My current separation and being a new mom. Wow. I asked for help. I decided to live my best life and I had so much fun. That’s amazing. I survived the first year of teaching undergrads. In my vision for 2023. I wanted to bake more with my kids. That’s cool. And I’ve been very actively making time for that. I’m so thrilled about it. That’s amazing. I’ve been rocking it with my new boss and I’m holding my boundaries very well. Awesome. I put my personal development above everything else so I can be useful to everyone else to good advocated for myself and got an ADHD diagnosis. A first to work on myself. Ah, I embraced so much uncertainty and unknown. I asked for help and survive the most difficult challenge in my life to date. Incredible. Okay, y’all, I wish I could read all of these, but I can’t. But keep writing in what worked? What did you do? Well, in 2023, if you’re listening to the replay, I want you to say it out loud to me. I will hear you. I will. I will hear you. What did you do? Well, in 2023, it’s important that we kind of look back and see like, I accomplished something. I’m not the worst person on the planet. I do follow through occasionally with things that I want to do, or things that I say I’m going to do. So good. Okay. Here’s your next question. In 2023, what didn’t work? Slash? What do you want to do differently? As you’re looking back on your year, what are you like, you know what, I didn’t love that. I want to make a change here. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to bring that into 2024.

What would you say? Is something that you don’t want to bring with you into 2024? Or what’s something that didn’t really work in 2023 that you want to reevaluate that you want to look at and be like, Huh, I’m not really sure if this is the thing for me, it might be a relationship. It might be something related to your work. It might be something related to like your home care or your self care. But what is something that you’re looking at as you’re reflecting? And you’re saying, You know what, this ain’t it? I don’t want to take this into 2023. Now, Craig asked, Can I leave my procrastination behind in 2020? Can I leave it in 2023 and not bring it into 2024? Probably not. Again, we need to live in reality. Right? We need to yes, we’re going to create a vision that is going to move us forward in our self development but we also do still need to live in reality, we are humans with ADHD. We’re humans with ADHD. Procrastination is a hallmark trait of people with ADHD.

Therefore, I can count on procrastination to be a part of my life. Maybe though, and you can use this with any kind of like ADHD symptom or impairment that you are not really pleased with. Maybe what you want to do is leave behind the version of you who didn’t know what to do with your procrastination. Maybe looking into the future, you can say, Okay, I’m going to plan for procrastination. And I’m going to be calm someone who can handle it. I’m going to become someone who knows what to do with my procrastination. Does that make sense? So we do have to live in reality, but maybe we can kind of tweak reality a little bit. Okay, so I’m going to read just a couple examples of things that you are saying didn’t work in 2023. And that you’d like, not like to take into 2024. Jumping to assumptions and ignoring evidence, I want to stay within the circle of control and love that. avoidance, I already made huge strides in facing the hard things, beautiful self judgment and negative looping Oh, my gosh, I will raise my hand and say same. I’m actively work on that as well. Julie D, your comment there is incredible, well done.

Okay, so Emanuel says, I still give all of my energy into my teaching work, and I have no energy for my real life. And so maybe that’s something that you want to change. Maybe that’s something that you still want to keep working on, and tweaking perfectionism and need for external validation. Same, doing work that isn’t in alignment with my brain and what I feel God calling me to do same. Oh, good job, Ricky. That’s awesome. Let’s see analysis, paralysis and overthinking decisions that aren’t that big of a deal. I want to be more comfortable with the fear of deciding wrong, that’s beautiful and Kyrsten, the self trust work is going to be so helpful to you. I just my gosh, I cannot wait to get started. What didn’t work? Not talking to doctors about new or increased symptoms? Yeah, we got to be vulnerable and honest there, huh? Spinning in cycles of indecision and an action out of fear. Okay, great. So I’m not going to read any more. But if you’re thinking about it, and if you’re having ideas, just jot them down. What are the things that you don’t want to take with you into 2024? It’s important to kind of look at it right? And say, like, what’s not working for me? What am I often doing? And it’s just like, you know, what, it doesn’t feel aligned anymore.

Or it’s not really who I want to be moving forward, or it’s not really working out in my favor. And so I just want to leave it behind now leaving it behind. Sounds great, but like how? Right and so I think that’s our work is figuring out, okay, here’s something that I don’t want to bring with me. What’s the plan? How do I not take this with me? Right? Okay. There are a lot of executive functions that go into making a big vision for a year. Like, there are so many. And so I just want to say that if this is something that’s difficult for you, if you find visioning, planning, you know, even just thinking about the context of a year as a whole, difficult, that makes sense, because, first of all, he has really struggled with self reflection, that is one of our executive functions that is deficient. So we really struggle to stop and think and ask ourselves these questions, what’s working? What’s not working? What do I want to do differently? Hey, can be really hard for us? Another thing that is really hard is prioritization. And organization, that skill set that goes into like, Okay, I know that I want to do this thing. Let’s say it’s write a book. There’s like 100 steps. What steps do I take first? How do I organize it? How do I schedule it? I mean, my goodness, okay, so those skills are deficient for us. And then also, some of you struggle with nonverbal working memory, which is your ability to picture something in your mind’s eye. Okay? And so, if you struggle to make a picture of something, you’re going to struggle to implement it. You’re going to struggle to make it happen. Who here struggles to picture things in their mind’s eye? I forget what the there’s like a term for it. But essentially, it’s like, deficient nonverbal working memory, up up up at Fantasia. This is what it’s called. But I think at Fantasia, my understanding of it is like, you don’t necessarily have to have ADHD. It’s just like this thing that happens. But what I want to say is across the board, ADHD ears are in general going to struggle with mental visualization. Okay? Okay.

So this might mean that you might want to spend some time working on that. This might mean that you might want to create pictures, like from a magazine or from like an online vision board or Pinterest. Okay. And so just making sure that you can see it visually is going to be important. All right, so those are the three primary executive functions that are kind of working against us. Our self reflection, our prioritization and organization, and the nonverbal working memory. Now, if you struggle with creating a vision, Yeah, same, I understand. So here’s what we want to do. What I want you to think about is, when you look into the future, I want to know, who do you want to be? You know, just like a really simple question. This needs to supersede what you want to do. First, we need to ask, like, who do we want to be? Let me give some context. So for me, personally, I want to be someone who feels aligned with what she’s doing. I want to be someone who is kind to herself, I want to be someone who is able to help as many people with ADHD as possible, I want to be a present mom, while at the same time being a badass boss, you know, I’m saying, I want to be someone who is living in reality, not in fantasy. And I want to be someone who has connected relationships. So as I’m deciding my vision, and what I want to do for 2024, I need to pull in who I want to be, because who I want to be is going to inform what I want to do, okay, there are aspects of who I want to be that have really changed. In the last couple years, when I started really leaning into I want to be someone who is aligned, meaning I’m not going to be lying anymore.

If I don’t like something or someone I’m not going to pretend that I do. That changed everything for me. And it ruined a lot of aspects of my life. ruined a lot. And what I mean by that is I had to let go of a lot of relationships that I was pretending in, I actually had to stop pretending and see if those relationships could sustain me not pretending any longer. And in some cases they could, and in other cases they couldn’t. Okay, so who do you want to be? Right? This is the like, these are deep questions they may not get answered today, that’s okay. I just want you to be thinking through because not so much about what I’m going to do. I don’t want a vision of who I want to be. So circling back to the self trust course, when I was thinking through a year ago, who I want it to be, I was not content with how wobbly I felt daily, multiple times a day with stupid decisions, where I was constantly looking to other people for validation and reassurance on decisions that I really wanted to just be okay make myself like, for example, what to eat, what to wear, how to interact with my child, right? I noticed in myself a extreme desire to lean on other people for choices that really should be not delegated to anyone else. And so I spent a year working to feel grounded, working to soothe my trauma responses, so that someone that I love could disagree with me and I could be okay. Alright, so when I think about who I want to be, I want to continue that I want to continue to be grounded. Not that I don’t ask the people that I trust for their input. Not that I don’t, you know, look for support, or occasionally whatever. I’m not saying that I’m like an island. But what I had been noticing in myself and I don’t know if you resonate with this, what I’ve been noticing myself is a real insecurity around things that are not a big deal. Do you With increase, you put the kids to bed at nine o’clock or 915. It’s like, like silly things. I don’t know, I just made that up. But like, I’m talking silly things that if I disagreed with Greg on, I was like, I don’t know who’s right, who’s wrong, I don’t know what to do. And I would get all like twitchy and weird. And I just am all done with that. I’m all done. And so I want you to understand that like, being someone is more important than doing something, being the someone that you want to be, is more important than doing the thing that you want to do.

As we’re moving into 2024, I want you to think about who you want to be. I want to be someone who is emotionally healthy. I want to be someone who tells the truth. I want to be someone who can handle decisions on her own. Not that I’m not looking for support, or input. Sure I am. But I also want to be self assured. I want to be someone who understands my capacity and works within it. I want to be someone who’s nice to myself before I’m nice to anyone else I want to be before I do, right? So as you’re thinking through what is 2024 gonna look like what I want you to really consider as Who do I want to be in 2024? And what needs to change in order for that to happen? What needs to change in order for me to be kind to myself, what needs to change in order for me to tell the truth? What needs to change in order for me to be someone who can feel self assured and the decision stay today? These are questions that are going to take a lot of thinking through I suspect. If you do have specific questions for me, as we’re going through this content, please do pop them into the q&a, okay, and I will answer them at the end. Okay, we talked about being now with that person that you’re going to be? What do you want to do? You’re already in this program, doing the self development work so that you can become that person who you want to be. So hopefully, in this community, you are slowly, persistently half the acidly working yourself toward being emotionally healthy, working yourself to understanding your capacity, working toward being someone who accepts themselves, right?

Like that is the foundation of our work here. And it takes time. Right? So it’s not like, let’s just do this real quick. And like, get done with it. But you’re working toward that person that you want to embody. And now in 2024, what do you want to do? I’m curious what comes up for you when you say that. For me moving into 2023. My goal was to have a copy and paste year of the year before and I’m talking in terms of my business. I didn’t want to make it a growth year, I needed a rest year, I really needed a year to just rest. I had so much going on in my personal life. And I just didn’t have the space to grow in my business. And so it was like, Well, this is just gonna be a sustain year. That’s what it was, was great. Ashley says I want to have clarity in my business and begin dating. Stephanie says I need a recover year. Does anyone need me to sign a permission slip for a rest here? Because if you would like that, I for sure will sign it for you. I will sign the permission slip that says to whom it may concern. This person is going to intentionally do less this year. This person is going to intentionally make space for their emotions make space for Grief and Healing and clarity. This person will not be taking on anything new and in fact, they will probably be cutting out a lot. Yeah cosines I can be a better teammate to my wife and we will be able to get back to who we remember we were Yeah. Oh my goodness and love that so much. Tom says I’ve had four years of breast burnout in 2019 pandemic and 2020 diagnosed and 22 Anyone recovered in 2022 restored in 2023. Beautiful. That’s beautiful. Okay carrying would like me to sign a permission slip that says, you are already perfect just the way you are.

And you can finally be your true self in 2024. Find, find Christine Carter and love that. Jen says I want to strengthen personal relationships and define clarity for business niche, love that. I think I did make a lot of space this year. So next year, I’m ready to grow. I want to lay the foundation for selling my business. Huge, huge, huge, huge Claudia I resonate with, with your experience. I also feel like I’m ready to grow. And it feels good. And by grow, I mean, I’m ready to welcome more people into our program. The last two years, I will actually just like, last year, I was just like, You know what, I am really good with the amount of people in focus. And I want to get really good at taking care of this amount of people. And I feel like I spent this year doing that figuring out how to care for and support and really see and hear people you know, and I want to make sure I do that really well before we grow. So good. And now a word from our sponsor.

Hey, Kristen here, I’m the host of this podcast, an ADHD expert and a certified life coach who’s helped hundreds of adults with ADHD understand their unique brains and make real changes in their lives. If you’re not sure what a life coaches, let me tell you, a life coach is someone who helps you achieve your goals like a personal trainer for your life. A life coach is a guide who holds your hand along the way as you take baby step after baby step to accomplish the things that you want to accomplish. A good life coach is a trained expert, who knows how to look at situations or situations with non judgmental news neutrality, and offer you solutions that you’ve probably never even considered before. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, and maybe even you’ve done some work in therapy, and you want to add to your scaffolding of support, you’ve got to join my group coaching program focused focused is where functional adults with ADHD surround each other with encouragement and support. And I lead the way with innovative and creative solutions to help you fully accept yourself, understand your ADHD, and create the life that you’ve always wanted to create. Even with ADHD.

Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused to join. And I hope to see you in our community today. I want to stop allowing anxiety and ADHD to control my life and instead, harness it for success. That’s beautiful. I want to growth here. Okay, let’s think about it this way, thinks through and I think this is going to require you to get still and to drop into your body. But just if you’re cool with it, just spend some time kind of getting still and dropping into your body kind of sinking into your gut and ask yourself this question is 2020 for a rest year, or growth year sinking? And just ask yourself, what do you need? Based on what you know about yourself based on the last year or couple of years? How are we thinking about 2024? Is it a rest and recover? Is it a growth here? There is no wrong answer. Do you know what the only wrong answer is the answer that is opposite of what you actually need.

And I’m getting answers all over the board some of you growth. Some of you rest. I want you to then purpose 2024 is a rest and recover year for me.

Or 2024 is a growth year for me. This is what I need. I am listening to me and I am giving myself what I need. Because I deserve to have my needs met. And so that need might be growth. Teresa says rest would be growth for me. Hello. A lot of you are asking does it have to be one or the other? I’m sure it doesn’t. But in my black and white brain when I want to grow i Go for it. So what I really needed to do this year is say, this is not a growth year, Christian, this is a sustained year. This is a, we’re sustaining everything, and we’re cleaning everything up. And we’re making sure that it’s great. And so we have grown in different ways. On the back end of the business, the team has really come together and grown. But as far as like, you know, seeing an explosion in growth as far as like, clients or money, that’s a no. For me, personally, I needed to label it as a rest here, a sustain year, a year where like, Yeah, I’m still working a lot. And it’s hard to keep the membership going. That’s enough work. But can I just let it be? And can I just enjoy what I have? Love? Okay, some based on how you are labeling this year? What would you like to do? Based on how you’re labeling this year, whether it is rest and recover growth, or something in between, you get to call it whatever works for you and your brain? What would you like to do?

What’s something that you’re like, you know, what, 2024, I want to do this. Grace wants to?

Are you saying you want to move, Grace? Cool. Complete three focused workbooks. You know what, Nick, I don’t think he’s here today. But he was at the A-List call yesterday and said that he has been in focus nearly three years. And he’s never completed a workbook. And we were all just like, that’s incredible. That’s so incredible. Like, it is totally fine. To have never done a course, never done a workbook, there is so many ways to get value out of this program. And the courses and the workbooks are not for everyone. I just thought that was funny. Based on how you have labeled 2024, whether it’s a rustier, a growth year or something in between, what would you like to do? Teresa says, This feels way more manageable to think about it in terms of one year instead of the rest of my life. Oh, my gosh, yeah. When I think about the rest of my life, what I think about is like, what am I going to do with all my time when my kids aren’t here anymore?

And I think about what am I going to look like when I’m really old. And I think about one of my dreams for retirement or like when our kids are grown and flown is that Greg and I would follow the Eagles around for a season and like go to every game. Those are the things that I think. Okay. So let me give you some examples. So for me, personally, I have had over a year of what I would consider to be a rest year in my business, rest and recover, I have not been selling hard. And that’s been on purpose. Like I just have not had the emotional capacity for it. And I’ve really needed to preserve a lot of white space in my brain. And so last year was labeled a rest, like sustain year. But coming out of 2023 I feel invigorated, I feel ready. I feel this, like buzz that I’m like, I’m ready to do things. I’m ready for growth. And so I’m excited about that. And so 2024 I’m labeling a growth year. I can’t wait.

That’s so fun for me and I, as I’ve been through this process I’m looking at like okay, 2025 will probably be another rest here. If 2024 is going to be a growth year. Maybe we’ll rest in 2025 I’m going to grow the membership. I can’t wait. So fun. Aubrey says I really want 2024 to be focused on growth. My body seems more geared toward grief right now though. How many of you like Aubrey are having a discrepancy between what your mind wants and what your body needs? Were in your mind you’re like, I wish I could go do that. That that but your body is saying like, I don’t. It’s not. It’s not gonna. It’s now I can’t do it. Okay, this is really interesting. I wonder if you could tune in to your body and ask yourselves what do you need? What do you need? I think a lot of us have been told ought to ignore our bodies. And so we make plans with our brains that our bodies literally don’t have the capacity to follow through on. Here it again, so many of us have been conditioned to ignore our bodies. And therefore we make plans with our brains that our bodies are incapable of following through on. And therefore, what happens then, is that we struggled to follow through and we beat ourselves up for it. I knew I would never do this. I know, I knew I couldn’t be trusted. I knew this is never going to happen, when really, we shouldn’t have tried to do it in the first place. Because our body was saying no, the whole time.

Is your body saying? No? And are you willing to listen to it? Is your body screaming

for attention? And are you ignoring your needs? Now he says, Yes, but I’m annoyed about it. Okay, this circles back to who do you want to be? Do you want to be someone who’s aligned brain and body? Then you got to pay attention to your body? Traces, his body needs rest. But that’s scary, because it means I have to slow down. And if you have to slow down, what does that mean? What does that mean about you? My body seems so high maintenance. Yeah. I mean, who told you you were high maintenance person, your body is just a body with needs, you are not high maintenance. I think it’s hard to trust that the body’s needs will change someday and that it won’t get stuck. What I want to say is, the reason why you’re stuck is because you’re not listening to your body’s needs. If I could just give you the mom look right now stuck. It’s because you’re not listening to your body’s needs. Okay, I want to encourage you to create a couple positive reference points, whether this is a rest year, or a growth year or boast, when you think about what you want to do, even if it is what I want to do is listen to my body. Okay, what is a positive reference point that you can point yourself to? So, you know, how have you ever been whitewater rafting. And when you’re looking in a direction, or this also works with canoeing and really driving to, when you’re looking in a direction, you tend to steer in that direction. And this is something that my coach, Brian talked to me about the last couple of weeks, and I just loved this analogy. When I have something that I can see, that I can look at, I’m gonna steer or paddle or swim or drive in that direction. So what I would love for you to do is set a couple positive reference points for yourself, as you look to 2024. What are a couple things that you can do that are positive reference points that you can steer in the direction of, for example, let’s say that you currently have $1,000 in your bank account. And there’s just always seems to be $1,000, their money comes in, money goes out, but there’s always just like, $1,000 there, maybe your positive reference point is that you would like to have $2,000 there. It’s just a thought that you’re just like, let’s just have more money. And so even though it’s not like this huge goal, it’s still a reference point that you can kind of steer toward. What are the positive reference points for you, maybe for you, it’s I want to get outside more often.

It’s a positive reference point for you. And so whether it’s twice a week, or five times a week, or once a week, or three times a month, you’re steering in the direction of I’m getting into nature more often. So for Leila, you’re saying Laila that you’re going to be paying off your student loans? That’s a positive reference point. We’re looking towards something that feels like it’s compelling and we want to be always steering in the direction of it. Yeah, okay. So Gjakova says, I like this idea because I usually Gjakova is saying I’m very deficit focus, like stop being late. What is stopping like, even mean? Like, what the heck? Maybe the positive reference point for you to COVID is leave five minutes for myself to scroll Instagram in the car. I always have leftover time in the car. I don’t even know I just, I totally made that up. But I’m talking about a positive reference point that you can think to ah, Allah says maybe I can do Christmas coaching call yours. First of all, yes, you can do Christmas coaching course. And if that’s a positive reference point, you kind of like put it there on the vision of like, maybe this could happen someday. Karen asks, is the positive reference point, the destination that you put in your GPS? I would say absolutely, yes. But maybe for some of you, it’s very specific. It’s like go to the Grand Canyon. Well, like which part of the Grand Canyon? Where exactly am I going to go? Are you jiving with me? So some of you have exact reference points like Leila said, she’s going to pay off her student loans.

That’s an exact reference point. She knows, she knows it’s maths. She knows exactly what that’s going to take, right? Exactly how much money that’s going to take. But for some of you, you have goals that are more like, maybe your goal is like, get healthy. Okay, well, what does that mean? That’s like, I want to go on vacation. Okay, well, what does that mean? Like, where are we going? What are we doing? What’s the plan? And so I want you to think through what’s the positive reference point, and then we can work backwards maybe? Right? Well, what’s the first step? I love it? I love hearing your responses here. It’s so cool. So the positive reference point might be like a bigger vision, bigger goal, like I want to be more rested, or I want to get outside more. Okay, great. Now, let’s think through what’s it going to take? What are some things that we could actually implement? And some of you might want to think about this in terms of months, okay, 12 months? What’s one thing I could do a month to move me toward this? I like to think of it in quarters. I really like I think, because of business. Like I like to think of my year and quarters. One of the things I did, because last year was a rest here is I decided to take one week off each quarter. That was important to me. And that was a positive reference point where I was just like, I’m gonna do this. And then I steered myself in that direction. When you’re wondering, like, what the heck, how do I even start? The question then is, what’s the first domino? What’s the first domino that’s going to knock over the other dominoes? This is how I like to think of prioritization.

What has to happen first, to get the ball rolling, so to speak, to get those dominoes falling, what is it for you? And I really, really encourage you to just honor your capacity, you’re gonna make a plan that’s too hard for yourself. That’s okay. But as you move forward on or your capacity, I can integrate this into a tool I already have. That’s awesome. That’s great. Craig says I like it, but I get a knot in my chest thinking about it. But I want it. I’m curious if you could like, reflect Craig on why is the not there? What’s the not saying to you? For for those of you who are like maybe newer to this work, or just like not really sure. I want you to ask yourself, What’s coming up for you? Listen to the answer. Ask yourself, Oh, what do you need? Listen to the answer. Okay, then maybe if what your inner self is saying is like, not very nice. Like, I can’t hack it. I can’t do it. Ask yourself, what would you need in order to do it? Aubrey says, So what’s a realistic goal to put in each little box? Aubrey, what’s your goal in general?

Do you have one or no. So if my goal is to write a book, I’m not going to do a weekly, I’m not going to do a weekly thing.

I’ll probably have a monthly page number requirement. But for me, personally, I can’t depend depends on myself to do it weekly. Because my weeks really fluctuate. Sometimes I’m feeling great. Sometimes I’m feeling terrible. So I’m going to look at the goal as a whole monthly. So let’s say I My goal is to write 50 pages a month. I don’t know I just made that up. Okay, well, I’m going to plan times for that to do it. I’m going to plan times each week, but I’m also going to let myself be flexible. And I’m just going to be like this may or may not happen. I need someone to follow me around all day long and tell me I’m great and smart and capable. Grace, you are great and you’re smart and you are capable. And that person who needs to tell you that all day long is you you need you all day long. to say, I am great, I am smart, I am capable.

Okay, I’m going to answer a couple questions. I really struggle a little bit because I think there’s a gap between who I want to be and who I am actually capable of being. What are your thoughts? Do I just need to grieve and accept this? Yeah. And I think that grieving our capacity and our humanity and our ADHD, and the fact that we can’t get everything done is so important. I think that part of what we struggle with is impatience. I need to change now, I need to do this now. I need to be better now.

But why? Why am I not okay, the way I am? Why don’t I like myself as this version? Why can I just say, you’re cool. You’re good.

You need to change. Here’s some things we could do. I’m so impatient to reach the next stage already. Why? Why is it this stage? Okay. So important, as you think through like, all of this planning and goal setting? Can I be happy with who I am now? And maybe that’s the work for 2024. You know, I’m saying love my life the way it is. Love myself the way I am. That is the foundation and catalysts for growth. Accepting where we are, and the speed we are evolving at is so difficult. Yep. Oh, I love that. And if January 1 doesn’t resonate, you can use the Lunar New Year, Saturday, February 10. Love that.

In so many ways, I don’t like myself. That’s your work, then honey. That’s your work. That’s the goal. Goal is figuring out how to like myself.

Can we have a course on accepting who we are now? Yes, it’s called self concept and identity. Yep, it’s already there for you? How do we measure success against who we want to be, it seems less tangible than tracking what we do. If I am truly living as who I want to be, then I’m making decisions that feel aligned and grounded. I’m making decisions based on my values and my capacity. And so I would look at your decisions and look at the success, quote unquote, success of your decisions against who you want to be. Can you talk about how to switch this to a positive statement? I think what you’re trying to say, Nicole, is I want to feel like I’m in charge of my life. I want to feel like I’m in charge of my life and my space. Does that resonate? And then the question is, how would you know that you’re in charge of your life in your space?

Okay, so I understand that we did a lot of deep work today, we did a lot of deep work. This is a lot of deep work. This is not just like, let’s make a cute plan, like you can make a plan but thinking through what worked and what didn’t work and what you want to do differently based on who you were in 2023. And then thinking through, who do you want to be in 2024? What do you want that to look like? And thinking through? Do you want it to be a growth year or arrest here? And based on that? What do you want your goals to be? That says today was a 200 level class? That’s true. This was deep work. I know I sometimes I struggle, because I’m like, should I just say like, what’s your goal? Let’s put it on the calendar. But like, couldn’t you just Google that? Isn’t that what’s all over the internet? Isn’t that what you’re already getting? In your tic tac feed? It’s like, no, we need to think through who we want to be what we want to bring into 2024 What we want to leave behind in 2023, what we feel like we’re called to do and why we’re so impatient. I was so impatient. Why can’t we just enjoy who we are now? And learn to love the life that we have now? And if we can’t do that, then what’s up with that? Shouldn’t we be looking into that? Do we feel an urge to change everything about our lives? And if so, why? Do we feel an urge to like, get out of a certain situation? And if so, why? What’s driving that? And can we truly just drop into our bodies and say, Hey, what do you what do you need honey? Who are we really and what do you need for me? To help you make that happen, and I mean, and that’s like you talking to you, especially when your brain and your body feel out of alignment where your brain is like, we need to go, we need to go, we need to do it, we need to make the things happen.

And your body’s like, I heard, I’m working so hard. How do you? How do you figure out how to be in alignment with the brain and body, this is the work is this is the work of, of course, we can make a cute grid. Of course we get, we can make cute grid, and we can put stuff on the calendar. But like you already know what needs to be done. Or you pretty much know what you want to do. The problem is, we struggle to do it. And so that’s why these classes are so necessary. How can I help myself to do the things that I know are gonna give me a positive outcome? Right? Ah, gorgeous. Deep Work, we are here to do the deep work. That’s what we’re here for. Okay in Google everything else. But we are here to do the deep work. And as a reminder, the self trust work is going to go hand in hand with this. It truly is. That’s it. I hope you enjoyed this class. I hope that you feel grounded and that you feel certain of what you want out of 2024. And let’s also just be really flexible, knowing that life happens and we get to adjust accordingly. I can’t wait to talk to you next week. If you would like to join us in focus, make sure to go to I have adhd.com/focused and use the promo code self trust for $70 off your first month’s membership fee. This offer only lasts until January 1. So get it while it’s hot. Alright, talk to you soon. Bye. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential you’ve got to join focus. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted. No matter what season of life you’re in or where you are in the world focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all the info.