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I HAVE ADHD PODCAST - Episode #249

February 6, 2024

Real-Life Examples of Building Self-Trust With ADHD

If you’ve ever wanted a sneak peek at what happens inside FOCUSED, this podcast episode is for you.

I recently added a new course to my group coaching program called How to Build Self-Trust Even with ADHD. It’s been so impactful I had to share a coaching call we had on the topic.

Self-trust is hard for those of us with ADHD. If you feel alone, I encourage you to listen to this coaching call. It will help you understand yourself better.

Whether you grew up with parents who interrupted your ability to build self-trust or society slowly eroded it, you need to change that inner voice/critic. Building self-trust is about changing how you talk to yourself.

It’s time to stop saying you’re too much or not enough. Stop listening to the flippant comments from people who don’t build you up.

On this call, you’ll learn how to become your own (overly protective) bestie who doesn’t listen to that voice in your head.

Watching others get coached is so powerful. When you listen, ask yourself how you can identify with these stories. Take the questions I ask on the call. How can you apply them to your own life?

I dare you not to get goosebumps listening to some of these stories!

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Kristen Carder 0:05
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated. I’m caffeinated. I am regulated. I’m talking really fast. I’m ready to roll. I’m glad that you’re here.

Hi, how are you? Welcome to the show. If you’re new around here, I do not usually sound like this winter. Got me, it got me real good. And I’ve been in bed for the last five days, I pulled myself out of bed to teach a class today in my coaching program and to record this intro. Because I love my clients, and I love you. And so I’m only doing the bare minimum right now. If you are also in the dead of winter, and you are also feeling under the weather, gosh, solidarity is the worst. And it seems to drag on forever. So my goodness, welcome to the show. I’m glad you’re here. If you have ADHD or you’re curious about ADHD, this is the place to be and normally I’m very peppy and fun. But today I just this is this is the best we got this is the best that we can do. Today, I’ve got an amazing coaching call for you on the topic of self trust. And the reason that I wanted to share it with you is because I know that you struggle with self trust. I know that self trust is something that’s very difficult for those of us with ADHD and I want to help you with it. And so I’m sharing this coaching, call it coach two of my clients, I adore both of these people, and I know that they are going to help you to understand yourself better, and the different parts of yourself that just need a little bit of support in the area of self trust, and I hope this changes your life. Please enjoy. Volunteer coaching call, this is a call on self trust. For some of you, your parents did build self trust, you had caregivers who were capable of helping you to build self trust, but society eroded it growing up as ADHD in a neurotypical world around people who look at you like why are you doing it that way? What is your problem? Why you’re always late? Why always loud? Why are you thinking outside of the box that has contributed for sure, to your inability to trust yourself. So it might not necessarily be you may have gone through that beautiful developmental process with your family of origin. And that’s lovely. But you may struggle with self trust because of a toxic boss, or because of a really mean teacher, or because of like a friend who was really judgmental. Right. So we know that the research says that children with ADHD are given corrective feedback, so much more than a neurotypical person.

Okay, so that in itself may have really interrupted your ability to build self trust that is completely valid. So it could be a combination of the two, it could be like, Yeah, my family wasn’t really like helpful in that area. And I grew up as ADHD in a neurotypical world. So it could be a combination, or it could just be growing up neuro divergent in a neurotypical world. That is enough, and I wish I had remembered to say that front and center yesterday is that us being different us being neurodivergent as being around people who look at us like you are so weird. What are you doing? That’s enough? The inner voice that we have is what we’re going to be working on changing throughout this course. Okay, that inner critic, that inner voice, it’s like you’re doing it wrong. You shouldn’t have done that. I can’t believe you. You’re so unreliable that you’re so little, that horrible boys. Building self trust is about changing the way that we’re going to talk to ourselves. Okay? It’s like too much not enough. You’re too much and you’re not enough. Hello. Can I get an amen to that? Right? Like, that’s what our inner voice is always wanting to say. You’re too much. You’re also not an There’s no way to like, do it right with our inner critic. And so that’s what we’re really going to be working on. Whether that was established by our parents, by society, by a teacher by a friend. What we do as children is we make these agreements unknowingly, and we say, oh, yeah, they’re probably right about me. Oh, yeah, that person’s probably right about me. That’s most common with, with families of origin with parents. But it can also happen with like an aunt who says, Some flippant comment. And all of a sudden, you’re you’re unknowingly making this agreement at age 10. Like, yeah, I am too talkative. And so then my inner critic says, You’re too talkative. You’re too talkative. You’re too talkative, shut up, shut up, shut up. Nobody wants to hear you. Right? Or maybe a teacher says, you just don’t care enough. You would do better if you if you cared. And so then I, then I make this agreement because as a child, again, we have to, we’re agreeing with our caregivers, we’re grammar saying like, Oh, yeah, that’s, that’s probably true. As a child, you don’t know any better. Which is why in this course, we’re stepping out of childhood and into adulthood saying, I don’t agree with that voice anymore.

Okay, I don’t agree with that voice anymore. And no longer am going to agree with that voice. Now, the work that we did in the first class, the reason why we had to look at why we don’t have self trust, is because we have to look at why is that voice there in the first place? And know that, that it’s not just because I’m a flawed human?

We think it’s our voice. It’s not actually our voice. It’s our mom’s voice, or it’s our teacher’s voice, or it’s our coach’s voice from soccer in third grade. Okay, right. So we have to identify, where is this? Where is this coming from? So that we can say, I no longer agree with that. I know, I’m not going to participate with that anymore. All right. So that’s what this deep, deep, deep work is about. Listen, if you’re in this space, you’re doing deep work. I just had a coaching call with my coach. And I was like, you know, I think what we really should be doing right now is just talking about like, organizing our planners, and our journals for the new year. And just like doing this cute stuff that feels good. Like, let’s all just be dazzled a planner, instead of looking at why we don’t have self trust. You know what I mean? Like I was in some drama about that. But I know what you’re here for, you’re here for the deep stuff. And so that’s what we’re doing. So what we’re going to do today, is I would love to coach you, if you’re struggling with self trust.

Raise your hand.

If you’re struggling with self trust, what I’m going to do today is coach you now, we haven’t gotten a lot of tools yet, right? We’ve only done one class, that’s okay. We’re, I’m still going to give you as much of myself as I can. And you and I will have a face to face conversation and I will model for you what it might look like to trust yourself.

Okay. All right. I am going to go to Shannon first, and then Grace, I’m going to go to you after okay. Now I know there’s a lot of people on the call here. And I know that there can sometimes be this urgency of like, I need to be coached, I need to be the one being coached. But I promise you, we all struggle with the same stuff. Whatever conversation I have with Shannon, you are going to be able to glean from that. So I really encourage you to look at the ways that you identify with Shannon, when I asked you to start your video up, there you go. Just a second, oh my god facilities your face. I want you to really, really pay attention to where do I identify with this? How can I make sure to apply this coaching to my own life? When I asked Shannon a question, I encourage you to really ask yourself that question. Okay. Hey, oh, man, it’s good to see you.

Shannon 9:32
Great to see you, Kristin. I’m okay. So I actually I joined the self trust call yesterday which was so helpful. I feel like I had really checked out a focus for a while I was just like, struggling but I’m actually on leave from work from now to the end of March. I feel like I finally got to a place where I was like, I’m running myself to the ground. I’m struggling If I was able to recognize that which I’m really like happy, and I’m extremely grateful that I’m even able to have this leave, and that I have something to come back to in April, super grateful for that. But with this being three months, 90 days, I think I have a lot of anxiety around how to make the best use of this time. I know that I really want to get started on the house rest workbook, because I have wanted that for forever, because I didn’t think I needed it. But so ironic. Yeah, I have all these things really get my head around, like, wanting to rest, also wanting to connect with activities that I enjoy, like dancing like exercise, because just like the way my ADHD works, I forget that things helped me and then I just completely stopped doing them all. And then there’s also an added layer of is this the work that I’m doing right now is even the work that I want to do? Is this something that I want to continue doing? And so I’m like, How do I juggle all of those things so that when March 30 rolls around, I don’t feel like oh shit, I wasted three months. And now I’m just jumping back into the same situation that I was in before. I guess I just want to stress that I’m doing the things that I should be doing with this time.

Kristen Carder 11:23
Yeah, when you think about like, what should I be doing? And like the countdown is on? I felt what do you feel when you say when you express that? Like the countdown is on?

Shannon 11:40
A little panicked? Yeah. Me? Rush.

Kristen Carder 11:43
Yeah. Pressure, maybe? Sometimes

Shannon 11:46
I’m like three months is a really long time. And then I’m like, it’s actually not. I’m gonna wake up tomorrow, and it’s gonna be done.

Kristen Carder 11:53
Yeah, yeah.

And then how do you feel when you think I really want to make the most of this time?

Shannon 12:03
The pressure? Yep. Yeah. Why?

Kristen Carder 12:07
What is your primary? Like, if you can get still and think through? Like?

Why did you take time off? Why did you take this leave? I took it because

Shannon 12:21
I was waking up every day, wondering why can’t I try harder? Why am I not getting these things done on time? Why am I so unhappy? And I feel like I was just waking up every morning kind of push past it. Like, let me feel the anxiety and then get it done. Let me feel scared. And then but I was doing that every single day. And I realized that it just wasn’t sustainable.

Yeah, lots of panic, lots of like, anxiety attacks. And I could just tell that there was no way for me to get better while also

Kristen Carder 12:59
staying. working every day. Yeah. What does get better? mean to you? Um, that’s a good question, I think

Shannon 13:19
feel feeling more regulated. Just like not being so afraid of emotion. And like, avoidance, I spend a lot of time just in avoidance. And so I think feeling better would be me not running to avoidance all the time. But I think it also looks like me prioritizing

Speaker 2 13:42
the things that I care about, and not just the things that other people want me to do.

Kristen Carder 13:46
Okay, what do you care about? Um,

Shannon 13:52
I learned that actually care about education, I was able to work with some college students while I was working, and I kind of got in trouble for the amount of time that I was spending on that, but I just really enjoyed like the teaching, the mentorship of it, but I also really enjoy moving my body and just being active. But I forget that so quickly, like as soon as a hard week rolls around, I’m like, Oh, the last thing I want to do is work out the last thing I want to do as dads even though I literally always feel better every time I do those things. Yeah. And

Kristen Carder 14:28
what do other people want you to care about? So you kind of made this contrast like what I care about versus what other people when you when you say that like what would go in that category?

Shannon 14:40
Um, a lot of it is work related. So doing things very quickly doing things as soon as I’m told to do them, not like you know, you don’t have a week to think about this. Just execute it. Just ask the person just like I work really slowly and but I In a really fast paced job, I’m basically working somewhere that I should not be working.

Kristen Carder 15:06
How does that feel when you when you express that?

Awful? Why?

Shannon 15:12
Yeah, um, because I wake up every day feeling like I’m not doing enough like I’m not good enough. It’s created a lot of like self worth issues.

Kristen Carder 15:25
What does it feel to like solidly say, I’m working in an environment that’s not suited for me? Have you? Have you really like sat with that? Or has it been more like? Yeah, I’m probably not in the right spot. Well, like, Oh, well.

Shannon 15:42
I think I’m there. Yeah,

Kristen Carder 15:43
I think so too.

Shannon 15:44
I’m like, it doesn’t work for me, but I could make it work for me.

Kristen Carder 15:49
Why? Yeah, we’re gonna make it work for us. Like, what? What do you think is behind that? Because that’s just you trying to take care of you. That’s not a bad thing. So denial.

Shannon 16:02
I think I mean, I’ve also just, I’ve always been told that I’m this smart person that I could figure everything out. I’m so I’m at a company that I enjoy being at, and I am making a salary that I enjoy making.

Kristen Carder 16:18
Yeah, so suck.

Shannon 16:20
Yeah. So I guess I’m just in this place of, if I really sit and admit to myself that this isn’t the job for me, then I really have to do the work to figure out what does work for me. And that feels terrifying.

Kristen Carder 16:38
Yeah, so we’re choosing between when you want, we don’t have to choose anything right now. But in that kind of mental gymnastics, we’re choosing between the discomfort of working in an environment that’s really not suited for your nervous system, or like how you prefer to work. You like the company and all of that, but the demands of the job don’t suit like your natural tendencies and personality.

Shannon 17:06
Uncomfortable.

Kristen Carder 17:09
And then there’s on the other side, the discomfort of if I actually tell myself the truth, and really sit with this. I’m terrified of like, what I would do next. And so just discomfort or discomfort.

Shannon 17:23
Exactly. Which sucks.

Kristen Carder 17:25
And I wish I had a better third option. But I guess what I want to ask you, and again, this doesn’t have to change anything about your 90 days, and won’t we’re gonna circle back around to that. But what I want to ask you is which just come for, sir serves your long term goal.

Shannon 17:49
Um, I mean, with my long term goal, being like a sane and emotionally adjusted person would definitely say the path of finding something that works for me and doesn’t cause that much anxiety.

Kristen Carder 18:07
What if thrown it out there?

You do not have to accept what if the next 90 days is more about just kind of accepting? Really not the environment? I want to be in long term.

Like, what if, at the end, like on March 30. We haven’t made any changes necessarily, but you are solid in this isn’t a long term place for me.

What does that feel like for you?

Shannon 18:44
It feels a little scary. It feels really scary. Because when I start back on April 1, I just I don’t want to start back with this dread. You know what I mean? Like, I don’t want to start back and be like, Oh, I’m back. I’m here again. I think in the perfect world, I’d be like, Okay, I’ve got a little more juice in me

Kristen Carder 19:08
to work on a job that I’m not suited for. Yay.

Shannon 19:11
Yeah. Which is not. Yeah. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 19:21
Okay. You don’t have to decide anything. You don’t have to do anything. Let’s just talk about the next 90 days. You mentioned avoidance. And I just really want to bring to like the forefront that the fear you might spend 90 days trying to avoid fear. Yeah.

And I think that would be the only, quote unquote wrong. way to spend your time. would be in the avoidance of fear. How does that sit with you? Yeah, I

Shannon 20:08
think you’re totally right. I kind of want to wake up every morning like, oh, like it’s a new day. What do we do now? As opposed to actually like, sitting with the fact that I’ve really struggled a lot last year. And, you know, wanting to grieve that a little bit. I think I need to make space for some of the negative emotions, because I want every day of this time to be so positive and flowery.

Kristen Carder 20:33
Why do you want it to be so positive? What’s that about?

Shannon 20:37
Because it’s like, I’m not working, like, what’s there to be sad about? Me?

Kristen Carder 20:44
Okay, let’s answer that question.

Shannon 20:45
I know that there’s a lot to be sad about. But I think this idea of like, I’m not being a productive person right now. Which means that I should be feeling great. And I should be feeling empowered to do whatever I want. So if I am waking up, and I’m not taking full advantage of that, and it feels like I’m not grateful for the fact that I have the opportunity to do this.

Kristen Carder 21:09
Here’s what I know about hard emotions. They take way more emotional, mental spiritual capacity, than we have to give them in our normal every day. The most productive thing you can do, in my opinion, is live in reality, and feel those feelings.

It’s so not a sexy sell. I’m so sorry. What would have been so much more fun? It’s like, Yeah, let’s plan for you to dance. And I can tell you this so great. But like, honestly, you could dance every day. You could work out every day. You could move your body, you could connect with other people. And you could go back on April 1, and what’s going to what will be different?

Shannon 22:03
Nothing. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 22:07
What do you think true rest might look like for you in this season?

Shannon 22:18
True rest? I feel like

I think that’s a question I struggle with. Because when I think of rest, I don’t necessarily think about sleeping in or about, like staying up super late and watching and like being on my phone, because those things actually don’t make me feel good. So I think I struggle with that. Like, like I said, I enjoy being active. But can I consider that rest? If I’m like,

Kristen Carder 22:52
Yeah, you can. You’re gonna love that how to rest course. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I talk a lot in that course about like, especially for those of us who are hyperactive, or have a lot of energy. laying flat to rest is usually not what feels best to us. It’s like an active rest movement connection, letting our minds wander while our bodies are moving. is So restful. So So yes, of course that counts. If your only productivity over the next 90 days is figuring out what feels restful to you. Tapping into some negative emotions, getting to know yourself and what you want moving forward. How would that feel for you?

Shannon 23:52
Hearing you say it feels really good. I think it takes pressure off of the time takes pressure off of trying to make it perfect. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 24:03
How can you honor six months ago, Shannon,

what did she really need? Six months ago, you who did not have the luxury of this time and space.

Like it sounds to me, I’m going to offer up some suggestions. It sounds to me like she needed a good cry. She needed to move slower, and to be validated in that.

She needed time to think and to process. What else do you think she needed? I think she needed validation that she wasn’t

Shannon 24:46
lazy as she wasn’t crazy, that she wasn’t like imagining how hard all of these things were in her head that they were actually happening to her just the validation that like what’s happening is very real. I’m not just making it up.

Kristen Carder 25:02
You are not making it up.

Shannon 25:08
You are really smart. Do you do not like to move fast you like space.

Kristen Carder 25:17
Your body is wired for, like expansiveness and being able to take your time and to think, and to really work through things, in a way without pressure. You’re not making it up. You’re not making it up. You’re not making it up. I think that that, if that could be the thing, like, all I want is to believe myself. If I go back on April 1, and nothing else has changed, except for the fact that I actually believe myself. And I’m no longer dismissing demeaning. Like, I’m just like, tell me everything I believe you. I’ll take, I can advocate for myself

Shannon 26:01
so much better if I have that mindset. Instead of like, I’m going to take all these things because I should be able to do them, I could actually say, so I can do this. And this, but I can’t do that. And um, yes.

Kristen Carder 26:15
Yeah, yes, this course is going to be everything. Combined with the How to rest.

Like, let’s just start with the bare minimum of like, I’m not wired for a fast paced environment. So I’m not going to keep on like, it sounds like to me, there is some wiggle room as far as like your autonomy within your position, that if you truly leaned into who you are and trusted and believed yourself, I believe me when I say this is too much. And I don’t say well, they can do it. So why can’t you? I believe my own capacity, that in itself will give you so much space.

Shannon 27:05
This is huge. Thank you, Kristen. Welcome, honey. You’re welcome. I adore you.

I love this program. I’m really excited at all of the new people that are here. And I hope that this was helpful to everyone because this is I feel like it’s really setting the tone for the year for me, so I really appreciate it.

Kristen Carder 27:24
Awesome. Keep us updated, if you want. Okay, if you want to. Alright, see ya. Whenever I make a request like that, just always know it’s at your own consent, you do not have to ever do anything that I asked. I have chose. Does Beauty beautiful. That was really, really beautiful. Taking care of your house isn’t always easy, but it should at least be simple. Like why isn’t it more simple. And that’s why for the last two years, I’ve been drinking ag one persistently, pretty much every day. It’s just one scoop, mixing water once a day, and it makes me feel so much better. I’ve noticed improved focused, better mental clarity, better concentration. And what I just learned about it is that it supports healthy hormone production, which is so important to me, now that I’m in perimenopause, I truly do feel so much better. And that’s because each serving of ag one delivers my daily dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics and more. It’s just like a really powerful, healthy habit that’s also powerfully simple. And it has to be simple, right? Because I have ADHD, if it’s not simple, I’m telling you, I’m not going to do it. And that’s just the truth. This is so simple. Now, you all know that for decades, I have reached for the coffee pot, the instant that my eyes open. And when I introduced the I use the word habit very loosely the habit of drinking at one. I’ve done that later in the day. But to my absolute shock, I’ve been able to change that. Now I drink ag one first thing in the morning, which is recommended for optimal nutrient absorption. I literally picture my like gut and my cells just like absorbing all of the goodness first thing in the morning. And I’ve got to tell you, I do feel a difference. I fill up my shaker with extra cold water. My eyes are not even open yet. I add one scoop of ag one I shake it up good to go. It takes me 30 seconds max from start to finish. And I am not exaggerating it. It’s so simple, or I wouldn’t do it and it’s helped me feel so much better, especially in the mornings. If there’s one product that I had to recommend to elevate your health. It’s a big one. And that’s why I’ve partnered with them for so long and exclusively. They’re the only product that I’ve allowed to have ads on as podcasts because I believe in it so much. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with ag one, try ag one and get a free one year supply of vitamin D 3k. two and five, free ag one travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drink. Ag one.com/i have ADHD. That’s drink ag one.com/i have ADHD, check it out. I’m promoting you grace. So we chatted in Slack just a little bit. It’s public for all to see, I think it’s in the money channel. But would you like to share what’s going on?

Grace 30:39
Yeah, so last year, this time, my Well, it was I think, obviously your for that, too. Anyway, when my father passed, my sister and I, we inherited an apartment building. And we had a lot of arguments. I mean, it’s all over slacker arguments, and trying to just get through it. So we finally came to the conclusion that we’re gonna sell the building. And it just feels like when I got the inheritance, cash, I was like, Oh, my God, panic, because not used to having this kind of money. And I’m still the same person, not just, you know. So having all that cash and then selling the building with the decision being made. Did I make that? Did I make a decision correctly? Should I’ve kept that building? Everyone’s always told me invest in property investment property. And then now I’m like, oh, selling property? Why would I do such thing? So I’ve just been struggling with the decision, you know, to say that he made the right decision, and be that I’ll make the right decision when it comes to what to do with that influx of cash when it hits. Yeah. Has it hit your big? Yeah. No, it was on the 31st. Just for clarity. Did

Kristen Carder 31:52
you first get an inheritance? And then also you have this cash coming? Yeah, this is double whammy. So like the inheritance money? You do have? Yes. And you’re staring at it like?

Grace 32:06
Yes, I have been staring at it for the past year going. No, you can. Yeah, her? Oh, you want to buy those flowers? $30. Flowers? Sure. No problem. Oh, don’t worry. I bought this like, and I’m like, No, you’re going like this is not permanent. You are not like a Kardashian or whatever. Yep. Yep. It’s not infinite. Okay, so

Kristen Carder 32:29
what do you feel would be most helpful to you? In our conversation? Do you think it would be most helpful to talk about like, the capacity to have money? Or do you think it would be most helpful to talk through how you want to,

like, think about an end use the money, the ladder? The ladder? I’m, I just can’t. I’m just I’m so fearful of myself.

What are you afraid of honey? Well, that I’m like,

Grace 33:02
gonna spend it all but I’m gonna if there were a decision that like, Okay, so let’s pretend that I, I don’t know, like, I move somewhere. And then I buy a property or I don’t buy a property like, what do I? What do I how do I? Yeah, I think it’s like, these are so valid. So what I want to say first is

Kristen Carder 33:24
I spent most of my life not having money. And so if I go back to let’s say, 10 years ago, me and if I were to hear Grace talk, my literal reaction would be Crimea River. What do you think is the problem? I don’t even know. Like, why are you whining about this?

Grace 33:44
Well, that’s exactly what is, like, I’ve kept it so secretive, because I don’t I don’t want that kind of reaction. And, you know, the only people that I have said, like, half my friends don’t even know that I have, right past year. Right. And I’m like, the only ones that do either already own their own properties or

Kristen Carder 34:05
right, you feel like they’re more equal in your position. I just want to validate that whenever there’s a big change our brain freaks out. So, I so so so like me saying that, like, what I would have thought 10 years ago is was not to cause you any judgment or shame, but to say, I did not understand how the change how going from not having money to having money is the most uncomfortable thing in the whole world. There is nothing like it. And I will also say that one of the ways that we protect ourselves from that discomfort is we get rid of it.

Grace 34:57
Which you don’t want to do. No I want to I want to be because, like I, I’ve said it out loud, I don’t trust myself. Okay?

Kristen Carder 35:05
I don’t mean by that. What do you mean by that when you say I don’t trust myself? The

Grace 35:10
authority will, I will have an ADHD moment and I will try to spend impulsively. Okay,

Kristen Carder 35:17
so I will spend impossibly, that’s probably partially true. You have ADHD. What other parts are adding to you not trusting yourself?

Grace 35:30
I’ll make the wrong decision on like, Okay, so let’s pretend I may I interview a finance person, but I’m just like, Okay, I don’t want to, I don’t want upset this person. So I’m gonna commit to the people pleasing, you know, I’m going to people Please admit to the wrong financial analysis, or, you know, I should have done it myself. And I know, I don’t like to ship myself. But like, sure, I know. Like, I don’t want to decide on a person to do it for me and spend it versus like, David, or versus using like a rowboat. Maybe I could do it myself. And I can be in control. And then there’s that one branches off. So trusting I’ll make the right decision on either the person or the robo in.

Kristen Carder 36:19
What did you say that last part, the row what?

Grace 36:22
Robo analysts? Oh, what’s

Kristen Carder 36:25
a robo analyst.

Grace 36:26
I didn’t know what it was either until I met somebody, and she recommended it. And I was like, Oh, that’s weird. It’s kind of like an AI advisor that you never have any human contact with. You just chat with and then you fill out a survey and it does it all for you.

Kristen Carder 36:45
I don’t, I don’t love that. But whatever. Okay, so here, here’s what I want to validate for you. I think that it is really healthy, to look at your own weaknesses, and say, I am not suited for this job.

And so when I talk about building self trust, I don’t mean, let’s all be delusional, and tell ourselves that we’re amazing at whatever, you know, like, oh, I trust myself with time management. No, I never trust myself a time management. That’s not what I’m talking about. Okay, I’m not saying we need to be delusional, and pretend we’re good at things that we’re not good at. And so if you are looking at this, and you’re saying, Hey, I am not equipped to handle this amount of money, like this is outside of my wheelhouse wheel is it wheelhouse or wheeled how seats wheel house like those currently in the house, there’s a wheel in the house, and I’m outside of it, or this money thing I just don’t like we could do a whole rabbit trail on this, okay, just not for us. It’s not for us. And I will raise my hand and say saying, it’s not for me either. What I really, really would love to do is is validate that and say it’s okay to recognize to know yourself, a big huge part of this course is knowing yourself. So what do you know about yourself? That tells you that let’s do both sides, that you should have someone help you. And then we’re going to say what do you know about yourself that would say you should do it on your own?

Grace 38:42
Okay, so let’s start for having someone help us. Having somebody helped me, it takes that weight off my shoulders that the maybe the absurdity, but I also feel like I would let an onboard back forth now. So I’ll just say on the one side, it just the mentally easier, that load wouldn’t fall on me. They would kind of keep track of everything and be the

Kristen Carder 39:08
you know, what you know about yourself is that you get overwhelmed. Yeah,

Grace 39:13
anytime there’s a number involved my brain and my body is just like

Kristen Carder 39:18
how are you with nitty gritty details?

Grace 39:23
of ADHD details? Yeah.

Kristen Carder 39:28
How are you with long term planning?

Grace 39:32
I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how retirements set up yet. And it’s been a year, for sure. So

Kristen Carder 39:38
I just want to affirm, like, knowing yourself is a huge part of establishing trust. I know that I get overwhelmed. I know that I’m not like numbers. Don’t do it for me. I know that I don’t love long term planning. I already know this about myself. Okay, so Oh, what about yourself though? Because there’s this other part of you that’s like, maybe I should do it myself. What? What do you know about yourself that says I could do this

Grace 40:10
thing? I’ve taught myself to do taxes. I’ve taught myself how to like, accurately figure it out.

Kristen Carder 40:16
I figured, isn’t

Grace 40:17
it? Yeah, yeah. I’ve been doing it and figuring out everything on my own sin. Yep. So why should I pass? Why should I pass about?

Kristen Carder 40:29
I hate that. And what’s the answer to that? That’s their job. Why not offload the things? I’m not good at like I would anything else. to somebody else. I’m a connector. I’m not a I’m not a money analyst.

Okay, so when your brain serves up that thought, I’ve done everything else, my myself, why wouldn’t I do this to? Don’t just leave it hanging? Answer it.

Grace 41:00
Okay, so I forgot. I taught myself. Why can’t I do that, too? Yeah.

Kristen Carder 41:05
Why wouldn’t I just do that, too? That’s what your brain is wanting to say. Right? Like, yeah,

Grace 41:11
I guess. Why can’t I is? Well, we just had the other reasons that I’m not so sure. And I don’t appreciate the trust I have. Yeah. But I also like, how do I trust them out?

Kristen Carder 41:29
Okay, so I think that there are some let’s just decide whether or not you want to try someone else.

Grace 41:36
I mean, I just feel like it’s easier to talk them out than it is like, if I was feeling oh, like, call my friend’s dad and be like, hey, Washington, how do I, you know, write that kind of, like someone else made the decision for me? Because I’m not capable of doing. But then again, you’re right, but or who? Like,

Kristen Carder 41:59
what if we could set you up? And I don’t mean we? Because like, I don’t know, but like, what if we could set you up with someone that you would trust to advise you. Not that though making decisions, not that they’re doing everything, but someone saying, from the looks of these things here this much in taxes this much and investing this much into the debt?

Grace 42:22
Okay, and I just wrote back and reread her email from May, it seems they did meet with her, she broke it all down for me. But as she’s like, if you still can’t bite the bullet, and do any investing yourself, then let me know. And I’ll name some people that I would trust with my own money. But she did break it down and said, Okay, take X amount of money aside for one year, either invest in a property, do whatever, don’t work for a year, and then figure everything else. But only use this amount and then invest this, like chunk it down into like, and but before

Kristen Carder 42:59
before we even get to like this specific. What I want to know is do you want to do it yourself? Or do you want to have someone help you? Can we just start with that basic decision?

Grace 43:11
I think I want someone else to do it. But I because I have read so much material. And sure you know, this is not enough. This is not enough. Keep giving it to me. You know that it? They make it sound like it’s so easy that you could do it yourself to save that? Like that? 1% Okay, you were talking about saving the 1% it adds up.

Kristen Carder 43:38
Right, but like, my question is, is that what you want to be doing with your time? I guess you’re right brain space. Are you passionate about it? Do you love it? Are you like yes, this gets me out of bed in the morning. I am so into this. I love this. It

Grace 44:01
fills me up. No, it drives me nuts. And it just like it’s just been lingering for the past year in the back of my mind every single day. Okay, so stop.

Kristen Carder 44:15
I’m going to sign a permission slip for you. You are allowed. You don’t have to, but I’m just saying you’re allowed to spend the 1% to free up your brain to do what you’re meant to do. Yes, so how do I wait, just sit with it for a second. Do you see how fast you want to be? You see that? Y’all? Did you see it? Go back on but we’re gonna stop just for a second. I’m going to repeat. You don’t have to do anything that I’m suggesting. But I do want you to know that you are allowed to spend the 1% so that you can have the brain space to do what you’re meant to do.

Grace 45:07
How does that feel in your body? Yeah, tell me about the discomfort. I just so a million thoughts pop up with saying, well, one, you should be capable of managing your own money. Like, what? Do you know that? No.

Kristen Carder 45:28
I’m going to sound really elitist right now. I don’t think really, any wealthy people manage their own money is not a thing. Yeah, that should is toxic.

If you want to, if it fills you up, if it gives you like life and energy, I’m here for it. But if it’s you should be I’m gonna never man. I mean, I mean men, then that is some BS, that is not the voice that we are going to make decisions with. Yeah, let’s just breathe a little bit. Oh, sweetheart. Yeah.

Grace 46:15
It’s not dirty little gremlin it

Kristen Carder 46:17
is. And that’s what this course is all about is recognizing when it’s just the toxicity talking, or our actual intuition. Because there is a big difference. There’s toxicity of like, you shouldn’t be able to do this on your own. Who do you think you are? That you are going to give 1%? For what? Because you are because you don’t think you have the time to do it?

Grace 46:51
You got plenty of time. Exactly. No, there’s like, I’m constantly looking for something for me to do. I didn’t want to sell what are the things that didn’t want to sell the apartment buildings? Because it gives me something to do. And say, why don’t have a job? I think that time is that.

Kristen Carder 47:09
Okay, so this goes to how do you want to spend your time grace?

Grace 47:16
Well, as we all know, I’m traveling. But eventually, like I said, I want to go somewhere. But I, I That sounds like how do I get a job? I can’t keep a job. How can I get a job like, I can’t give up the delivering food truck. And a little thing that I do here is I can’t hold down a job elsewhere.

Kristen Carder 47:41
This is deep. So instead of figuring out how to hold down a job, I’ll just spend my time trying to figure out how to manage this money and do something that I don’t really even want to do. But at least it’s right here in front of me. And that voice in my head says you should be able to do this. And then I don’t have to feel the discomfort of I would really like to have like a job job.

Grace 48:10
Yeah. I’ve been mother I mean, even when I was laid off I was like, Nope, that’s fire that Kansas fire into the bag. It goes it’d be evidence bag, as fire discarded. They’re like nope, laid off. Like you could still collect on that. Like, you can just go talk to these other people. They’ll hire you. Yeah, no, that’s that’s fire. That’s that’s fire evidence. So I don’t like I’m afraid to make a permanent move. So I keep entertaining myself with. Okay, I got this apartment building. That’s, you know, that’s that occupies time. Oh, I can’t do that from around the world. Watch me. Like, okay, do this. Watch me. Yeah. Okay, let’s circle back.

Kristen Carder 48:50
The job conversation is I just, I just really invite you to kind of investigate that over the next couple of weeks, months years.

Grace 49:01
There’s no rush. how young you are your forehead doesn’t even have wrinkles yet. Let’s just circle back to

Kristen Carder 49:12
get still drop into your body?

Do you want to manage your money yourself? Or do you want someone else to do it for you?

Grace 49:23
I really don’t want to do it myself. Say it again. I really just don’t want to do it myself. valid.

Kristen Carder 49:33
So immediately the Gremlin in your head says Well, that’s entitled, well, you should do it yourself or you have plenty of time and your job over the next day, days, weeks is to say

like, I hear you, but it’s okay that I don’t want to do it myself. Your job is to validate The fact that you don’t want to do it yourself.

Speaker 3 50:08
You got to do that for you. I think that I’ve been avoiding meeting with all these, like doing like conducting interviews? Sure. Because I don’t know the answers up front. People waiting answers, I won’t have them in the interview. Sure, wait, before we move on,

Kristen Carder 50:29
your job is to hear yourself. I really don’t want to do it myself.

And to be your own bestie and say, girl, you don’t have to. That’s totally valid. And no matter what the Gremlin in your head says, You do not need to listen to it. Okay, it can come in and go out. We don’t, we could probably assign that voice to someone and I have ideas in my mind of whose voice that is. But I’m not gonna say it. I’m not gonna say it. Okay. But there is a voice in your mind saying, wow. Newson and I just want you to be your own bestie and say, No, hey, stop it. Don’t talk to her that way. She gets to decide what’s best for her.

Grace 51:14
She like Gremlin, say it again. Talks about it’s not grumbling,

Kristen Carder 51:19
yes. Because the whole point of this work that we’re doing in this course is deciphering between the Gremlin who says you should bla bla, bla, bla, bla, and your actual needs, desires and intuition. We’re just we’re pulling them apart. And we’re saying this is the Gremlin This is so and so’s voice. This is the voice of my third grade teacher. This is the voice of my narcissistic mother. This is the voice of my ex boyfriend who was such a jerk to me. Okay. Then we’ve got those voices. And then we’ve got intuition. We have needs, we have desires, we have valid wants, that you can be your own bestie and say, No, hey,

hey, stop it with the shoulds what she wants matters. So I’m going to listen to you louder. Yep. We’re turning down the volume on the Gremlin. And we’re turning up the volume on your legitimate like your needs, wants desires. That

Grace 52:24
is so uncomfortable. That we are where’s the difficulty in your buyer? Yeah.

Kristen Carder 52:32
Where’s the discomfort actually, like, point to where? Yep, yep. Yeah. In your gut? Yeah. Yeah. Because you for so long have been conditioned to listen to that Gremlin. Thinking that it has your best interest in mind. And it doesn’t.

Okay, it doesn’t.

Also thinking that it’s telling the truth, and it’s not.

Grace 53:01
Okay, so baby step is just listening to I don’t want to do this.

Kristen Carder 53:04
That’s it like that. That’s all you take from this conversation. That’s enough. Because that’s going to catapult you into doing, doing what you do want to do. And saying no, thanks to what you don’t want to do. There’s there’s not the pull back and forth. It’s just like, No, I don’t, I don’t want to.

And it doesn’t even matter why. I’m a grown woman.

I have options. Chris, you like one of the best things that money does is it gives us options. Yeah. So don’t forget that that is part of like, the blessing of this is that you have options.

Not everyone like that is so far fetched for so many people. And that’s not to shame you at all. That’s just to say, I want you to just remind yourself, you have options, you have options, you have options, you’re a grown woman, you have to do what you want. And so when that should, when that Gremlin voice comes in, you can say just be your own bestie they’re no spit.

What are you doing? She gets, she gets to do what she wants to do. And if all you take is I know that I don’t want to do it myself.

That catapults you into your next step with us. Because there’s of course there’s going to be discomfort with every step. Because now the next step is like well, how do I do someone? Well, what do I say to him? Let me just give you an everyone else some tips when you’re choosing service providers, whether it’s with money or with like medical advice, or whatever. And I know we’re at the top of the hour so if anybody needs to go no shame, no judgment. Absolutely no problem. You can catch the rest of the call at the replay. Some things that I want you to really keep in mind are do you feel heard?

When you have a conversation So are they really interested in what you want? 10? Do you feel like you can be yourself? Like when I first started meeting with a financial planner, advisor, whatever, I was just like, less than, like, I’m a lot, and then I’m gonna go sue, you’re gonna have to chase me for those Docu signs. I do not know anything about anything, I need to put it in kinder garden language, I do not come from money. I don’t know anything about money, like, and I was just so upfront, so upfront, it establishes a relationship of like, they know what to expect, they know who you are. And if they can’t handle it, that’s a good filter. Well,

Grace 55:47
I think that’s part of that fear is, is that I’m gonna go to that meeting with IV. This is who I am. And like you just said, like, okay, like, you’re gonna have to hunt me down. But I’m gonna be like, Oh, yes, I know, everything I have. Oh, yeah, I’m

Speaker 1 56:01
sorry, dropping words that I think I know what like, I’m some knowledge. So don’t like I don’t actually know. But you do have some knowledge that you can say, hey, I read this thing over here. What are your thoughts about it? Hey, I heard this thing on this podcast. What do you what do you think about that? What would you do? You know, based on this person’s recommendation, and it’s kind of like going to a doctor, I want to really, really be specific about this. You know how sometimes you go to a doctor, and you say, Hey, I think I have ADHD. And some doctors will say, tell me everything. Why do you think that? And other doctors will say, Oh, you think so? How will I’m the doctor here and I will tell you what you have?

Kristen Carder 56:49
With which doctor do you want to pick?

Right? And so it’s like that with bringing information. Like if your financial advisors like, where did you hear that? That’s stupid. I don’t like you just leave this to me. huge

red flag. Yeah. Well, I can trust myself, but I can walk away.

And you can trust yourself. I can bring this to Slack and say is this red flag because this is what happened? Yes. And I’m not sure how to process it.

Grace 57:22
I got a load. Hello. This work

Kristen Carder 57:26
is done in community. It is so hard to build self trust, when you don’t have people around you championing your trust, like I believe you grace, that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and that you are always going to figure this out. And so if you meet with someone, and they’re not a good fit, and you sign with them, you’re going to figure out eventually, how to get yourself that little I had an unsigned,

Grace 57:55
figured out of it because I’m not alone. And I can like, like, I can trust us this community they’ve been a part of for how long now? So like, they have my back. I mean, in a weird sense. We all have each other’s back. Yeah. So that feeling of like,

Kristen Carder 58:18
yes. And we all know what it’s like to go into a meeting, whether that’s a medical meeting, a financial meeting, a parent teacher meeting, and feel like a child. We all know what that’s like. And we also all know what it’s like to have healthy interactions and toxic interactions. And so if you were to come and say, Here’s kind of like, what I remember the conversation, here’s what I felt. What are your thoughts? We can all give you feedback on like, green flag green flag or no red flag here? Red flag here?

Grace 58:55
I think okay. Yes, yes. I’m not alone. And I think that’s a big part of it. Is I’m so used to going into these things and being like, Okay, I’ve got all this information. I can’t tell anyone I have to know someone will discover that. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I must keep this a secret or I didn’t like that. I haven’t kept that a secret because I could get in trouble. Yeah, whatever. I don’t keep a secret but I can reach out to everybody, you know, this community. Like yes. Okay. Okay. Just

Kristen Carder 59:34
take a deep breath and tell me like what, what’s happening in your body now a

Grace 59:41
lot of work. Oh my god.

Kristen Carder 59:47
I’m so proud of you. You get to do what you want to do. We’re going to turn down the volume on the Gremlin and we’re going to be turning up the volume on the bestie and and you’re not alone. You’re not going into this alone. You can post in Slack every hour of every day, there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people all over the world that are going to be awake at some point to give feedback, you can for sure, use all of us as a sounding board. We have your best interests in mind. I adore you, sending you back. Thank you. Thank you for bringing this. Appreciate you. Thank you. All right, sweetheart. Oh, all right. For those of you who are on this call, or even if you’re watching the replay, my question to you is, what’s your biggest takeaway? what’s your takeaway from these conversations? Just kind of sit with yourself just for a minute, breathe in. expand, expand and just kind of think through what can what do I want to take from this?

What is it that was meaningful?

Ah, all right. Let me read some of these answers. And then we’re going to close up. Just make sure you’re regulating yourself and breathing. I can trust that I will do what’s best for me when I want to. We always really know what we need. I’m not alone. I can take care of myself, I will always have my own back. So many times what we think is the issue is actually just a cover for something much deeper. Turn up the voice of the bestie. I found my people honestly hard, I’m not alone. I am unraveling the toxic thought not amazing. I can make a decision because I want to not because I should or shouldn’t let the inner bestie voice speak up more often. I’m learning to rest in my own choices and not second guess. Keep coming back to the idea of I believe me. new strategies to pick service providers. Listen to myself, do I want to do this? We aren’t supposed to go through this alone. And with a community who understands Yes, I feel understood in this group, even on day one. Oh, I need to get back to talking to everyone on Slack. Everyone here is my people. I keep forgetting that I’m not as alone as I feel. Yeah, I wonder if that message is for you. listener, you’re not as alone as you feel. I know what it feels like to trust myself when I’m in an area that I’m confident about huge. My takeaway is that I really need to sit in the discomfort of painful emotions. That’s a hard realization because like, dang, that’s not fun. But it is the pathway to healing. It is the pathway to improvement. I promise you. I know what I need. And I know how to take care of myself. I just need to listen to myself, I have a gremlin living in my head rent free and I think I need to stop feeding him. I learned that I’m not the only one who forgets to do things that they like to do, I feel really validated.

Grace 1:03:37
I can ask for support

Kristen Carder 1:03:39
from community when I need it. I need to know that I’m enough now. Not only after weeks and months of panic mode perfectionism. Alright, I wish I had time to read all of these but I don’t I so appreciate your reflections. If anything came up for you that you have questions about or if you need any support, please bring it to Slack and we would love to serve you. A few years ago I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization productivity time management, emotional regulation. You know all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with, I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. And then I created focused for you. Focus is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program and I’m confident that you will to go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all details.

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