Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up, this is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. I’m regulated and I am ready to roll.

I was gonna say something cute in there about stinking daylight savings time making me so gosh, dang tired. But by the time this comes out, that’s not even going to be a thing anymore. And you’re all going to be recovered from it. But listen to me when I say I am struggling. I am on the struggle. Bus. What is it about moving the clocks that like throws everything off? I don’t know if this is just exclusive to neurodivergent, folks, but like I am struggling? I have a bit of a lazy eye. This is this does not matter. I’m putting it in here. I’m a bit of a lazy eye. My left eye kind of droops a little bit you know, it’s fine. None of us are fully symmetrical. And when I am tired it is it’s so bad. It’s under here with all lefty, me and my droopy eye hanging out with you today because your girl is struggling. All right. Well, I mean, like I said, this is not even going to matter to you. Because by the time that you hear it, you’re going to be fully recovered, but at least stand in solidarity with me right? Like it is this is too hard. We’re going to be talking today about how to be a good partner, it has come to my attention that we need to have a conversation around how to be a good partner. And I can’t wait. I think it’s really important. I’m a little bit fired up about this topic. Because I think there are some things that we really need to take responsibility for, of course, and then there are some things where we need to hold some lines, and make sure that our partners are being kind and make sure that we are not taking blame for everything. So we’re gonna get into all of it. Before we do, I want to shout out one of my clients in focus. I haven’t done this in a really long time. But I just came across a Post this morning in our Slack community. So we have all of our members on Slack. We don’t hang out on social media because we have ADHD. And instead we use the slack app. And I was combing through I’m in there every single day. And I was combing through it this morning just replying to everybody. And I saw a comment from one of my clients, Jacob he was just commenting being nice, and talking to a brand new member.

So that brand new member is just like, hey, this is who I am introducing herself. And here’s what Jacob said, I thought it was so kind. Here’s what he said. He said the focus group is a game changer. I feel 10 times more capable of getting where I want to because I’ve got this group and all of the amazing courses and calls, even though I’ve never attended one live, I hope you have the same experience is what he said to this new member. I wanted to just highlight the part where he said even though I’ve never attended one call live, we get a lot of questions in our customer support inbox or just like the regular Focused Inbox being like, hey, I’m interested in joining. But the schedule doesn’t work for me. I’m at work during the schedule. And I want to let you know that. Yeah, that’s the case for most people. I only work during, you know, tend to for Eastern time. That usually does not work for everybody’s schedule. But listen, that doesn’t matter because we have all of the calls stored in a members only private podcast feed so you can hear everything. We have it uploaded within 24 hours. So if I did a call, like I did a call yesterday, and it was uploaded like three hours later for members to be able to listen to it. And then also we have a membership portal where you can actually watch the call. So if you learn better, it’s easier for you to focus by watching something. We have all of them recorded and stored in our membership portal. So yeah, 90% of our members don’t show up to the calls live if it is a really really interesting topic. We get about 15% of our membership showing up live but normally on a regular coaching call on you know a regular like I did a call yesterday.

We had like 80 Something people show up live that’s only 9% of our membership 10% of our membership so Please understand that if the coaching call schedule doesn’t work for you to show up live, it’s no biggie. Jacob says I feel 10 times more capable of getting where I want to because I’ve got this group and all of the amazing courses and calls even though I’ve never attended one live, oh my gosh, it makes my heart so happy. Okay, if this sounds interesting to you go to I have adhd.com/focused Learn more, we would love to have you join us. Okay, okay, okay, we’re gonna get to 10 ways 10 very clear ways on how to be a good partner. I’m talking in the context of being a good partner to a neurotypical partner. But it doesn’t really matter. This also works if you have an ADHD partner as well.

Most of us just statistically speaking, are going to be having neurotypical partners, right, because only about five to 8% of adults are diagnosed. And so that means that there’s a lot more neurotypicals out there than there are ADHD ears. And so I’m speaking in relation of like, you are listening as the ADHD partner, and you are likely partnered with a neurotypical, of course, it’s not always the case. And these tips will work for you, even if your partner has ADHD. But let’s get rolling. First, the number one way to ensure that you can be a good partner is get treated for your ADHD and take it seriously. Take responsibility for yourself and your mental health condition.

This I promise you, you might be like, No, that’s not what I wanted to hear. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Listen, getting a proper diagnosis, getting medical treatment for your ADHD is the number one thing you can do. It’s so important because what all of the research tells us is that medication is the number one thing that makes the biggest changes in an ADHD life. And ADHD is the most treatable mental health condition, meaning that it responds the best to medication, which is so cool. So please, please, please let this be number one on your list. If you want to be a good partner, treat your ADHD. Okay. Now, if you’re like, medication doesn’t work for me, or I’ve tried. Like, I would question that, I would really question that there. There is a segment of the population for whom that is true. But it’s a real small segment. It’s really small.

So I would just really encourage you, did you try several different kinds of medication? Did you try a stimulant and a non stimulant? Did you try different kinds of stimulants or different kinds of non stimulants? Were you willing to be patient? Were you willing to really wait and see if it made a difference? Were you willing to ask your partner, your friends, your colleagues, like, Hey, do you see a difference? Do you see anything different with me, it might be the case that you don’t notice a difference, but other people do. So get treated for your ADHD take it seriously, this is the number one thing you can do. Because all of your executive functions and this goes into step number two, like all of your executive functions are affected by ADHD. And all of your executive functions either allow you to show up as a functioning adult in your relationship, or they don’t. Okay, and so understanding your diagnosis, that’s step number two, learn to accept yourself and understand your diagnosis. You need to know that everything that allows you in your brain to be a functioning adult, is impaired by ADHD, every every part of it. It’s so annoying. And I’m so sorry.

And it’s a it got the raw end of the deal on this one. And I am so so sorry. You need to understand that ADHD affects every single aspect of your life, from the boardroom to the bedroom, there is no place that ADHD doesn’t touch. And that includes your home life, your laundry, your dishes, remembering to pick up milk on the way home from work, like it impacts every area. And so if you don’t understand that, you will likely just think that you’re a bad person or you’re a bad partner. And I don’t want you to think that because I don’t think it is true. If you can learn more about ADHD and how it impacts you, and then begin to communicate that to your partner. That’s going to be so huge. I’m getting ahead of myself here though. Okay, I’m getting, I’m getting ahead. But take responsibility for it. This is no small thing. Okay, so number one, get treated for your ADHD and take it seriously. Number two, learn to accept yourself and understand your diagnosis. Really see how it impacts every single area of your life. Okay, number three, this is similar but I don’t care.

I’m putting it in Take responsibility, get help understand that you’ll definitely have to do more to manage yourself and your mental health than your partner. Well, that is just the truth. You have a mental health condition, it’s actually listed as a disability, you could get assistance under the Americans with Disabilities Act like this is not this is not a joke. This I, I need people understand. And I need you to understand this is not just like, oh, it’s no big deal. Like, yeah, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but I don’t really do anything about it. How are your relationships going? How are they going? Because if that’s your attitude, like, yeah, maybe I was diagnosed, but doesn’t really matter. It’s not really affecting me. What I want to ask is, how’s your relationship? How’s your partnership? Is it thriving? Do you feel connected? Does your partner feel satisfied with? With how you’re showing up? Are you satisfied with how you’re showing up? If not, if not, you got to really take some more responsibility for your diagnosis, your treatment, and how you’re going to manage your mental health. Okay. Number four, be vulnerable with your person, let them into your world. This is hard. I know this is hard. I know it’s hard. But vulnerability is the key here. Really share how hard it is to have ADHD really share what it means to have ADHD really share how much you’re struggling and do not accept. Well, you’re just using it as an excuse. Language, absolutely not. Hard boundary. No, that is the most invalidating, untrue, scientifically impossible thing that a neurotypical can say to someone who is struggling with their mental health, especially someone with a clinical diagnosis of ADHD. If you need language of what to say to someone who invalidates your ADHD in this way, you can say that feels very invalidating.

I am not using this as an excuse. I am simply explaining why things are harder for me. And I understand that this is my disorder to manage. And I am beginning to take responsibility for that. But please do not ever tell me that I’m using it as an excuse. I am simply trying to communicate how difficult this is for me and why I am simply trying to let you in on my life. I just want you to know me better. I want you to understand me more. Do not say that this is an excuse. If you do say it’s an excuse. I will walk away. The conversation will be over. I will likely shut down and I’m going to need a couple days to recover. Also do not accept everyone is a little ADHD. Yeah. Well, everybody struggles with that. Yeah, I mean, that’s just normal like that. Like, oh, you struggle to remember stuff. Yeah, that’s just normal. Everybody deals with that. So that’s also like, it’s a hard line of a no thank you that this is not how we’re going to talk to me. I do not accept those words from you. I love you. I don’t accept those words from you. Okay, everyone is not a little ADHD. I am clinically diagnosed with ADHD. And this is I just want to have a parenthetical statement here.

I know a lot of people are not clinically diagnosed, but do identify as ADHD. And I for one feel as though that is 100% Valid 100% valid to identify and self diagnosis, especially if you don’t have access to insurance, and health care, and a diagnosis. I know many people in Europe are waiting years years for a diagnosis. And so those of you in those types of situations might self diagnose, you know, you might be on a waiting list. And in the meantime, you’re beginning to identify with ADHD, I understand that it is harder for you to have this direct conversation with your partner because there is not the validation of a clinician saying yes, you have ADHD. And so I know that that is a specific struggle. And it just depends, I guess, on the openness of your partner to receive your self diagnosis. But that being said, everyone is not a little bit ADHD. Everyone is not a little bit ADHD. People with ADHD experience these symptoms to a debilitating degree, persistent over time, and in multiple areas of their lives.

Okay, so yeah, everyone gets overwhelmed once in a while and struggles to remember things. Everyone gets really busy at work and forget stuff or procrastinates everyone in the world has kids that don’t sleep at night. And then the next day, they’re super unfocused because they they didn’t sleep the night before. That happens to everyone. somebody with ADHD experiences these symptoms persistently over time in multiple areas of life and to a debilitating degree. Not everyone is a little bit ADHD. Don’t accept that from anybody. Anytime, okay. Want to hold you very close? And I actually just want to have that conversation with your partner, send them to me.

I just want to have the conversation with them. I want to be like, no, no, no, that is not how we are speaking to the person that we love. That is actually really invalidating, it’s actually very infantilizing, it actually strips away, the thing that is so hard for them, and it makes them feel like they should just get over it as if you can get over a mental health condition, as if you can just like think it away, or pray it away, or work harder and make it disappear. That’s not a thing. Stop it. That’s what I would say to them. We want to send them this pod. Go for it. This is step number five. And one of the things as you’re having conversations with your partner, and this will likely be multiple conversations over the course of time is you need to communicate the necessity of spending time and money seeking treatment. So you’re gonna have to spend money on doctor’s visits. And if your finances are combined, your partner might need to know about that you’re going to need to spend money on medication on perhaps therapy coaching scaffolding that makes it possible for you to function at baseline. at baseline, we’re just trying to level the playing field here.

We’re not trying to like get you ahead or make excuses or make things too easy for you, we are simply trying to level the playing field and get you at baseline so that you’re just at the same starting point as your partner. And I promise you, if you are able to seek medical treatment, if you are able to engage in therapy, coaching, those kinds of things, if you’re able to implement support and scaffolding, you will, you will make so much progress. And you may present much more similarly to your partner, once those things are in place. Not that we’re trying to get rid of ADHD. But we are trying to be able to function in a world that is not set up for our brains. Hello. Okay. So you might want to communicate all of this to your partner and just be like, listen, it depending on the type of relationship that you have. I know I don’t need your permission to spend our money, but I am I asking for your blessing. I am asking for your encouragement, I am asking for you to cheer me on as I like commit to taking care of my mental health. You’re my partner, you’re the closest one to me in the whole world. I need a cheerleader, I need someone to be like you’re doing the right thing, go to that appointment, go to that yoga class, go to that coaching session, whatever the case may be. Because it’s hard, it’s hard. It’s hard to feel like we need more care than our partner does. And then we can often feel guilty and like oh my gosh, I’m spending money on this. Like, why? Why do I have to spend money on this? And they don’t want the answer is ADHD. Okay, so if they’re like, well, that’s not fair. You’re spending that you know, this much money on on your mental health.

And we could use that to save for a vacation and you can validate that you’re right. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I have a mental health condition. That’s not fair. You don’t. And I do. That’s not fair. I don’t like it. If we’re talking about not fair, let’s talk about that. It’s not fair that I have to work harder to function as an adult than you do. That’s not fair. I don’t like it. So yeah, there are things that are not fair. And it’s valid to say, you know, you’re spending more money on yourself than I am on myself. And sure that’s not fair. But there’s a lot of things that are not fair here. And I think the number one thing is that I’ve got this mental health condition that I didn’t ask for. Oh, I don’t really want it. I’m not going to I will not insert an argument about superpower or awesomeness here. I will not do it. I will not do it. holding myself back the first five are truly truly, truly baseline get treated for your ADHD. Learn to accept yourself and your diagnosis. Know how it impacts you understand it. Take responsibility for yourself. Get help. You’re gonna have to do more to manage yourself than your partner does a, you gotta accept that. It’s just reality. Don’t fight against it, just accept reality. Be vulnerable with your person and let them into your world really share with them how much you’re struggling. And if they push back, because they just don’t understand, I just want to empower you to use language that is very assertive. This is not an excuse, I am simply explaining to you why things are harder. You saying it’s an excuse is invalidating and it’s unfair. Everyone is not a little ADHD, this is to a debilitating degree across many areas of my life, it impacts me negatively, persistently over time, we’re not the same. So please don’t expect me to be the same. Communicate. Number five, communicate the necessity of spending your time and money getting resources and support for your mental health condition.

Okay, communicate that you need a support. You need a cheerleader, you would like that. And maybe your partner doesn’t consent to being that and then like, Why? Why Why wouldn’t they want to do that? i That’s the question. I would ask why? You don’t want to cheer me on, you don’t want me to take my mental health seriously, you don’t want me to do better. That’s a whole other issue. Okay, let’s, let’s move on. Now. So that’s like, all your stuff your responsibility. Number six, think about what kind of partner you want to be. I know that self reflection is very difficult for those of us with ADHD, obviously, it is one of our executive functions that is impaired. So self reflection is hard. But I want you to sit for a minute, maybe do some journaling, maybe a speech to text in your notes app or whatever. And just really think through what kind of partner do you want to be? And what’s actually realistic for you? Are you living in a fantasy world? Are you agreeing to things that you know, you’re never going to do just to get your partner off your back in the moment? Hello, hello, hello. Are you willing to stop living in the fantasy of I can be all things to all people, I can say yes to everything, I can make my partner happy. It is my responsibility to make them happy. That’s fantasy living my friend that is a fantasy. You’re not going to be a perfect partner. It’s not your job to make your spouse happy. That’s a whole other conversation that we’re not going to have today.

But stop agreeing to things that you’re never going to be able to do like really self assess. What kind of partner do I want to be? Who can I really show up as? And what’s realistic for me? Okay, just really think that through and start externalizing it and living it? Saying no, in the moment? Sucks. It feels terrible. Your partner says, Hey, can you do this? And you’re like, Oh, I actually don’t think I can. But what feels worse is being labeled unreliable in the long run. So when we say no, upfront, that’s disappointing to our partner, and they might get upset about it like, well, I want you to do it. And you’re like, yeah, no, I really don’t think I can. But if we say yes, just to appease them in the moment, what happens in the long run is we don’t do the thing. And then we’re unreliable. I don’t want to be unreliable, which feels worse, saying no in the moment, or your partner being mad in the long run and labeling you as unreliable. Hmm. That’s something to think about. Let’s just munch on that for a minute. Okay. Number seven, know your strengths and use your strengths to contribute to the family. Of course, there are things especially if you have kids and pets and jobs and all the things. Of course, there are things that you’re going to have to do that you don’t want to do.

This is just a part of being a grown up. But but but but if you can think through what your strengths are, and really use your strengths to contribute to the family, that can be so helpful. So have practical conversations with your partner about your strengths, and the best ways that you think you can contribute. Notice how you might be stuck in gender roles. Notice, notice how your strength might be outside of that gender role, and kind of play with that. So for example, in my relationship, I manage the money and Greg does the laundry. That is outside of gender roles. You know, I’m saying like, the man is Oh, methodical, consistent, and does not mind doing laundry. Now I contribute. I throw a load in here and there when I noticed something needs to be folded, I fold it. I try to like every Sunday is my, in my mind, I do laundry. So I tried to get the kids laundry done on Sundays, but I promise you, I don’t think about it during the week. And he’s constantly doing laundry. And that’s just very uncomfortable for me as a woman to be like, my husband does the laundry and I don’t, or I do it once a week. But he does it every day. We have three kids, two of them are teenagers.

They’re all in sports, doing stuff, like we’ve got tons of laundry, but understanding like he’s contributing with his strengths, and it doesn’t bother him. He’s like, I don’t, I don’t care about laundry, I have no drama about it. And I’m like, how do you not have trauma, not have drama, my laundry, I don’t understand. But for me, I open YNAB almost every day, and I’m in there managing our finances, I went into our credit card today I paid the bill like that, to me, there’s a lot more dopamine in that. Just like getting things done and seeing how things are working and making sure that bills are paid. Like that does not bother me. It’s not fun, like none of this is fun work. But it’s just a way that I can contribute. That’s fine. So think outside of the gender role box, when it comes to the things that you contribute to the family.

Number eight, check in to see if you might be living in a parent child dynamic with your partner. This is really interesting, this is really interesting. Is your neurotypical partner trying to parent you micromanage you take care of you in a way that’s maybe a little bit crossing the line into inappropriate? And are you letting them off? Are you kind of participating in that dynamic of like, Yes, I need to be parented. I am not saying don’t let your partner help you. That’s not at all what I’m saying we show up for each other, and we help each other. But notice, if you are living in a parent child dynamic, that’s inappropriate. And also it’s not sexy. There’s nothing sexy about your partner parenting you. So what I would start to think through is, is this happening? And how am I contributing to it? And I would really start to work on not allowing your partner to parent you. Okay, it’s a no, it’s just a no. So it’s not that like, like, hey, if if Greg sends me a text reminder, that’s helpful. Thank you so much. But if Greg’s trying to manage my time, no, thank you. That’s a no right? Do you see the difference? So a text reminder of like, hey, don’t forget that this child needs to be picked up at 430 instead of four today. Oh, my gosh, thank you for the reminder, I’m putting it in my I’m putting it in my calendar. I’ll make sure I’m there. That’s great. Thank you so much. But if there’s more of like, a micromanaging and like, Hey, you should spend your time this way. And why aren’t you spending your time this way? And why aren’t you doing this, this this?

That’s a no, you know, my mom, you know, my dad, I’m a grown up. But here’s the thing, I think a lot of us ADHD ears kind of like that parent child dynamic, we kind of rely on that parent child dynamic. I think we contribute to it. And I think that we need to stop. Now a big way to do this is go through steps one through five, get treated, take responsibility, set yourself up with support, communicate vulnerably to your partner, like all of that will help you to stop living in this parent child dynamic with your partner. But in any case, we got it, we got to check in and make sure we’re not contributing and living in the parent child dynamic. That ain’t sexy. That’s not going to contribute to a thriving marriage, or partnership. I promise you. Okay, number nine, checking to see if you’re living in a dynamic where you are always the problem. Who’s gonna take a breath here and let you munch on that for a second. A lot of us and this I’m just going to say real quick. A lot of us grew up as neurodivergent people in neurotypical society and we have kind of embraced this identity of I’m the problem.

I know I do it wrong. I know everything that I do is wrong. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. Sometimes. When we get into relationships, we participate. Just goodness We don’t think we do it. I don’t think it’s our fault. But I think that we participate in creating a dynamic, where we are labeled the problem for all of the things like you’re the one with ADHD, you’re the one who forgets the things you are the one who is impulsive, you’re the one who spent the money bla bla bla, I just want to say you’re not always the problem. And if your partner is using you, as a blame, shame target, that’s a problem. Okay? This is way above my paygrade. Y’all need counseling. But go ahead and check in. Am I in a relationship where I’m always the problem, where my partner is not willing to see how they’re contributing, where you know, no matter what it seems like, I’m the one that gets blamed for everything we just check in. Because I promise you that you’re not always the problem. You’re not perfect, of course, but you’re not always the problem. So go ahead and check in.

If you feel like you’re living in this dynamic, it’s a great red flag that says, hey, I think we need some counseling, I think we need some couples therapy to work this out. Number 10. Sometimes you are the problem, of course, of course. And when you are own it, own your weaknesses, apologize, make amends repaired, do better. Okay? If you need help with how to apologize, I have an entire episode on it. It’s called wait for it, how to apologize, okay. So go listen to that and take notes and really integrate it into your life. Don’t just say you’ll do better your partner is sick of hearing that just actually do better. Maybe don’t even say you’ll do better. Don’t Don’t say just start doing better. Okay, which means you need to be treated for your ADHD. And I’m sorry, some of you’re gonna be triggered by that you’re gonna be like, Why is this girl keep talking about medical treatment for ADHD. Because that because all of the research shows that that is what helps the most with ADHD, and Chi. get treated for ADHD, use tools like therapy, and coaching and counseling and mentorship and all of the things. Add in support and scaffolding as much as you can. There’s so much free stuff available out there. Set yourself up with as much scaffolding as you can. And I know that’s gonna look different for different people. But there are a lot of free resources out there, you can learn so much for free on YouTube, this podcast totally free. And there might be support groups in your area that would be free as well. So take advantage of those resources.

Okay. I want to end with something that I heard Brene Brown saying a little while ago, and I just really loved it. So I’m gonna give her credit for it. Shout out to Brene Brown, we love you so much. I want you to think about not splitting a relationship 5050 And keeping track keeping record of who does what, please, please, please, please, for the love of everything. That is not the way to do it. That just turns into yucky, yucky, yucky. And if you know, you know, okay, what I want us to all be thinking about in our partnerships is I’m going to be giving 100% And I assume that my partner is also giving 100% We’re giving 100% of what we have. Now there are days, when I’m just like, Listen, I don’t have it, I’m it’s not there, I don’t got the 100% to give. And in those moments, I go to my partner, I go to Greg and I’m like, I need space I cannot perform today, I cannot show up in parent, or I can’t like I need help. Right?

I’m working at 20%. And in those moments, your partner can cover you and be like, I got you. I can make up for what you’re lacking. And it goes both ways. So there are times when Greg is just like, I’m so depleted, and I’m like I got you, I will show up at 120 person and cover what you’re missing. And just thinking through like partnership, as we’re both giving 100% We’re not splitting it 5050 We’re not trying to keep record of like you do this and I do that we’re just like, we’re both giving 100% I trust that he’s a good person. If you don’t trust that your partner is a good person, that’s a great place to start in therapy. Okay, that’s all I’m saying. But if you trust they’re a good person, then it’s like, okay, they’re doing their best. They’re showing up the best they can. I’m going to show up the best I can. And what is so beautiful about marriage or partnership is that like, when I am lacking, he makes up for it. When he’s lacking I make for it, that is one of the most beautiful things about a partnership. So, are you being a partner? Is your person being a partner is that maybe where you might want to start is like, I don’t really feel like we’re partners. Let’s start there.

Oh my gosh, go have the most beautiful relationships. I hope you have an amazing week. And we’ll talk to you real soon. Bye bye. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential you’ve got to join focused. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted. No matter what season of life you’re in, or where you are in the world, focus is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all the info.