I HAVE ADHD PODCAST - Episode #268

June 18, 2024

The Relationship Hack That Will Change Your Life Forever

Discover the distinct difference between neurotypical and ADHD brains in terms of ranking priorities, and understand why learning to prioritize relationships can drastically improve your social life.

Navigating relationships with ADHD requires a strategic approach. Imagine categorizing your relationships into three tiers to better manage your emotional and social capacity—that’s exactly what we’ll discuss.

I’ll share my experience in identifying the top five mutual relationships that deserve the most emotional investment, while also setting boundaries with other connections.

Learn why this method isn’t about exclusion but about ensuring deeper, more meaningful interactions with those who truly matter. Tune in to discover how this strategy can foster a balanced, enriching social life, reducing the chaos and enhancing your emotional well-being.

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Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up, this is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast, and medicated I am caffeinated. I am regulated. And I am ready to roll.

Happy Summer everyone. It’s official, it’s official. By the time you hear this, it’s going to be way into summer. But listen, Your girl is just adjusting to it. This is the first week that my kids are out of school and we are just trying to get our bearings. I’m exhausted. And that’s okay. I am so glad that they’re out of school. I’m so glad that they get a break. And I’m just trying to adjust to a new routine new routines for the ADHD brain. Not super fun. Not gonna lie. It’s hard to know what to expect. We’ve got kids coming in and out all the time. And last summer, we did not have any help. We did not hire anyone to help us around the house or with the kids. We were like, Oh, our oldest is 15. It’ll be totally fine. Spoiler alert, it was not fine. It was not okay. We we struggled we really struggled last summer. And so this summer, we we were really proactive. And by we I mean me, I was really proactive about making sure that we had support and help.

Even though our kids are 16, 14 and 10. It doesn’t like Greg and I still both have jobs. And they need to be uber around everywhere. Here. They’re everywhere. And our 10 year old is not old enough to like be by himself. And our 16 year old is not equipped to babysit. So it’s like all the things, all the things. So I actually found this position on Instagram that I had never heard about, which is called a family assistant. And I was like that is exactly what we need. We need a family assistant.

Now I know the massive amounts of privilege coming with this statement. But I just want to say to those of you who have some support income, like some income that you could dedicate to having support, I highly recommend the concept of a family assistant because we don’t need a babysitter. Our kids are 16, 14 and 10. But we do need someone to drive them to work, drive them to camp, drive them to playground. And also what I saw from this position on Instagram, it was just this random person that was like, follow me for a day as a family assistant. And I was like, Don’t mind if I do. And then I did a deep dive of her account. And really what she does is she helps around the house. She does some light, you know housework, some laundry some dishes, she makes returns, I was like yes, please. Yes, this is what I need. And so we and again, by we I mean me, I created like an application. And I just put it into a couple Facebook groups and tried to set up interviews with people who ghosted me. And that was annoying.

But we found this wonderful, wonderful girl who is a college student, she goes to Temple University, she’s just a doll. And the kids love her. And she’s really helpful. And I mean, this is only day three. But so far 10 out of 10. And I just want to say for those of you who are in that transition of like, well, we don’t need a babysitter, but we do need something. And how do you pay for an Uber driver for your children? Like that’s just, I don’t know, I don’t we don’t live in a city. So that’s like not a normal thing for us. Family Assistance is something it’s a position you can just make up. And which I did. I also made up a payment structure. I was like, well, it’s more than babysitting.

So we just doubled whatever we would have paid for a babysitter, which in our area. It’s not like a ton of money. Anyway, anyway, anyway, it’s so exciting. And so if you are in that position of like, we need help, I’m not sure what type of help consider a family assistant, you know that I am of the mind that adults with ADHD or any type of neurodivergent see should feel empowered to spend money to support their weak areas. This is 100% how I feel now, of course, not everyone has discretionary income. Not everyone can do that. But could you make a plan that maybe in five years you could get there? Could this be like on the vision board? Could this be the goal if You had told me five years ago that this is would be something that I would be able to do, I would have been surprised, I would have been like, Oh, I’m very surprised by that. So to be able to do it is is such a privilege. But it is something that if you are in that position where you are able to allot some money to your mental health and to support I highly recommend feeling empowered to do so.

Not feeling guilty about it, not shaming yourself, not shooting yourself, I shouldn’t have to pay for this or, or, and here’s here’s something that I had to wrestle with not shutting on my son, and thinking he should be able to do this. He is like both of my older kiddos, they are 16 and 14, they should be able to do this on their own. That’s a lot to ask of kids, especially neurodivergent kids in this day and age when I was 16 in the 90s. Yeah, for sure. I may have been able to run the whole household myself. But that is not how my kids are. And I think that’s age appropriate. So not shooting on myself not shooting on my kids like they should be able to do it without help. Last summer, it did not work. It was awful.

We thought we were going to be able to do it without help. And we did not do a good job. So we needed to make a change. So I just encourage you if you need a co signature if you need a permission slip signed for you. I’ve got it for you right here. You are allowed to spend the money that you have on supporting your family and on supporting your mental health.

If you’ve listened to this podcast for any length of time, you’ve definitely heard me talk about the fact that I don’t have a morning routine. I have what’s called a please don’t die list christen it could you please not die. And on that list are things like eating, taking my medication, making sure I’m clothed, you know, the very, very basics. morning routines are so hard for adults with ADHD and I have just thrown in the towel and dropped all of the drama around it. But I want to tell you something fascinating. I have been able to be so consistent with the routine of drinking ag one every day, I kid you not I drink it every day, I wake up, I come down the stairs and the first thing I do is get my little shaker out, fill it with water, add a scoop of ag one and I’m telling you that it makes me feel so ready to take on the day like I’m doing something so good for my body and my body is like oh actual nutrition. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. Speaking of that nutrition ag one is a foundational nutrition supplement that delivers daily nutrients and gut health support. Now this is so important because we’ve talked about this before diet and nutrition are very difficult for those of us with ADHD we are prone to lean toward the sweets, we want the chips, we want the dopamine, but if we can make sure that we’re doing something good for our bodies every day, it will make a difference. What’s so cool about ag one is that it’s backed by multiple research studies. That is not nothing. You can really trust what you’re putting in your body when you take ag one because unlike so many other products, their entire formula is backed by research, not just the ingredients but the whole formula. over 14 years ag one has been focused on innovation with a trusted nutrient dense blend. That’s the perfect complement to any diet.

Whether your diet is healthy, or you struggle with nutrition. Ag one is the perfect complement no matter what. Now you know, I’m a Research girlie. That is so much of what I do for this podcast. So I do care about the details. And with ag one I can trust their research and how they’re validating the product working in the body. If you’ve heard me talk about ag one before, you may have heard me say that I’ve actually noticed that I need less coffee in the morning, which is wild because coffee is literally the reason I get out of bed in the morning. What’s cool is that their research backs this after 60 days of taking ag 190 1% of people in a research study notice that they need less coffee as well. So I’m not the only one. Listen, if there’s one product I trust to support my whole body health. It’s a big one. And that’s why I partner with them and them alone for so long.

It’s easy. If it wasn’t easy, I wouldn’t do it. I promise you that and it’s satisfying to start your day with ag one knowing that at least you’ve got the foundation of a little bit of nutrition right there. So you You can try ag one and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3 k two and five free ag one travel packs, which are going to be amazing for summer travel by the way, you can get all of that with your first purchase at drink, ag one.com/i have ADHD, that’s drink ag one.com/i have ADHD, go check it out. We’re going to be talking today about relationships. And I’m going to share with you the number one tip for ADHD errs, who feel like their relationships need an overhaul feeling like maybe you are not very good at relationships, feeling like everyone else knows what they’re doing. And maybe you don’t and like what the heck, why didn’t we get the memo, I’m going to share with you something that I have learned to be the most important tip when it comes to ADHD and relationships. But before we get there, I’m gonna ask you a question. Are there people in your life that have ADHD that might not know about this podcast, and you know what, this would be a great episode to share with a friend like the perfect episode to share with an ADHD friend and ADHD coworker, because this episode is going to change everything for your relationships, we’re going to talk about priorities. Now, if you’ve been here a minute, or if you know anything about ADHD prioritizing is one of our very deficient executive functions. People with ADHD struggle to prioritize, and here’s how I like to describe it.

I like to describe priorities and our struggle with priorities like this. Imagine that there are 100 radios around you, I’m talking old school, 90s vibing radios and they’re all playing a different station, and they’re all set to a very loud volume, they’re all kind of screaming at you with the same volume. Someone who’s neurotypical is going to understand that certain stations are the more important stations, and then other stations of those radios don’t really need to be heard. And a neurotypical person will be able to turn down the volume on what’s not important and focus on the specific station that matters. So they’re listening to just one thing at a time, they’re processing that and then they turn the volume down, and they go the next thing and they turn the volume up on that. However, someone with ADHD does not know how to prioritize our brains do not do it naturally. And so it is like those 100 radios, all on a different station, all screaming at us at the same volume. So I want you to imagine that if you can picture in your head, you’re in a room, there’s 100, different 90s vibing boom boxes if you want to go there. And they’re all set to a different station, and they’re all set to the same loud volume and they’re all yelling at you at the same time. It is dis orienting, you’re going to be running around in circles, you’re going to be hopping from one thing to the next. And not really being able to take in information from just one station because everything is yelling at you at the same volume. That my friend is the ADHD brain. And that’s real hard, that is so hard to deal with so much input so much noise all at the same volume, not able to prioritize what is most important and what do I need to focus on? And what can I turn down the volume on and just really ignore. I’ve also described it like this many times, somebody who is neurotypical is going to naturally put tasks or priorities in a vertical order the neurotypical brain is naturally going to No, this is at the top of the list. This is at the bottom of the list. And this is what is in between. So if you picture like a vertical plane 12345 just really working out those priorities in order.

However, someone with ADHD thinks about it on a horizontal plane. And so everything is at the same level of importance. The ADHD brain is not able to separate and prioritize and know what to focus on. Why am I talking about this when it comes to relationships? Well, I hope by now that you have figured it out. We struggle to prioritize in relationships. Those of us with ADHD have massive struggles with prioritizing relationships. We are not sure what is most important and what is least important. We maybe are not even aware that there are different levels of importance in relationships and so you may focus on relationships and give your time your effort, your energy, your capacity to relationship that really are not that important. And then your partner, your spouse, your best friend may feel like I don’t understand why you’re spending time with that person over there. And you don’t have time for me. And then you as the ADHD are, are confused.

I cannot tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people with ADHD who have gone through this experience. I think it is a pretty universal experience for someone with ADHD because we lack the ability to prioritize that part. The lacking the ability to prioritize is not your fault. That is an ADHD deficiency. And you may not have even known that that was a part of ADHD. But now that you are learning it, we’re going to talk today all about how to prioritize in relationships. Who do you give your time to? Who would you give your emotional capacity to? Who do you give your effort and your energy to this is paramount in relationships, and most neurotypical people are doing this naturally.

And most ADHD people are struggling, we are on the struggle bus when it comes to prioritizing in relationships. If that’s you, if you feel like I’m on the struggle bus, I need help, I need someone to tell me the rules. I feel like everyone knows how to do relationships. But me, I want to let you know that I am going to be teaching on relationships in my focus ADHD coaching program in July, it’s the whole theme of the month of July. So if your relationships need an extreme makeover, come join us come join hundreds of adults with ADHD from around the world who are doing the work right next to you and who are going to validate your experience and then encourage you to make improvements you can go to I have adhd.com/focus to learn more about the program. And then don’t forget that at the end of June, we’re going to have a summer blowout sale. And you’re going to want to take advantage of that that’s going to be amazing. Okay, so getting back to priorities in relationships. One thing that I didn’t know, as I grew up, and was brought up in a family of neurodivergent people, and then kind of launched into the world without many relationship skills at all, I did not know that you don’t need to treat everyone the same. Just so interesting. I didn’t know that. I didn’t realize that you don’t have to have the same level of intimacy with the person at the grocery store that you do with like your friend. I know that seems so dumb. But I did not realize that you don’t have to treat everyone the same. I thought people who were authentic and who were real, and who were kind, we’re just going to treat everyone the same and give everyone the same amount of attention, and time and energy. And what I have learned now after years of coaching and years in therapy, is that that’s not how the world actually works. You don’t need to treat everyone the same meaning you don’t need to give them the same amount of you. Yes, we’re going to show everyone respect. Yes, we’re going to show everyone kindness. But we don’t need to give the same amount of ourselves to everyone.

Oh, my goodness, my goodness. We don’t need to give the same amount of ourselves to everyone we can have wait for it. This word is so important. Discernment. Discern discernment is so important. Discernment in relationships says, I know who my people are. And I know who I can trust. And yes, I will show everyone the same level of respect. But I’m not going to give myself to everyone. Discernment, the definition is the ability to judge Well, the ability to judge Well, now, you may be thinking I don’t want to judge people. And I want to ask you why. Why don’t you want to judge people? I think it is an actually a very important skill to be able to observe and discern who should have your time and your attention and your energy. I was talking about relationships in focused my coaching program, and we were talking about how those of us who are empathetic and good listeners will often kind of be hijacked by strangers, meaning I have had very long conversations with people who really have not deserved my gosh, this is going to come off as sounding horrible. They’ve just not deserved my capacity because I don’t actually know them. And so me as a life coach who you know, makes a living holding space for people. I’ve accidentally held space for it. Listen to this, this is the last time that I really noticed myself doing it. For the woman who works at urgent care. While I am struggling with strep throat, she is telling me about her son’s girlfriend, and how they are not close to her family and how they had to drive to Pittsburgh to get his. I like all of these things. And I’m just holding space for this woman that I don’t know. Well, I am sitting there is so much pain with strep throat being like commuters, please check me in. I didn’t have the wherewithal to set a boundary and say like, I’m sorry, I don’t I’m not able, I can’t do this for you right now. But notice saying, who is going to be deserving of your time, your attention and your capacity? Because listen, it is not unlimited. This is a limited resource. 100% my capacity is a limited resource.

Who am I going to give it to that’s all we’re talking about today. We suck at priorities my friend. And so what today’s episode is all about is bringing your attention to that letting you know that that actually does apply to your relationships. And then giving you tips on how to prioritize in your relationships is going to be so good. Here’s the thing with ADHD are we most of us are super fun, super impulsive, super distractible, and we chase dopamine, okay. So because of that, many of us have tons and tons and tons of relationships, because I’m going to have all the friends at work. And then I’m going to go to the gym and make friends. And then I’m going to have friends like from high school that I’m still in touch with. And then I have my close relationships. And then I have my partner. And I’m always looking for new and exciting relationships because I am chasing dopamine that would be an example of like an extroverted, probably hyperactive ADHD or and you may identify with that, I identified with that for a very, very long time, I was the girl who had so many friendship circles, and so many relationships that I was juggling, and I didn’t realize how much alone time I needed. And I didn’t understand my capacity at all.

And I was juggling so many relationships and making the people that I really, really cared about kind of upset because I would give my time and attention to the new shiny relationship that I had, because it felt exciting and fun. And it was it was novel and new. And that is not the way to do it. We ADHD errs can often forego time with the people that we really, really, really care about. For the new shiny, fun dopamine, many people that come into our lives. So what we want to talk about today is making sure that you know who your relational priorities are so that you don’t have regrets. Regret is just such a common emotion for those of us with ADHD, because we’re making so many distracted and impulsive decisions. And we are walking around with a lack of self awareness. And so last week, we talked about making sure you’re treating your ADHD, making sure you’re taking it seriously. And that truly is step one. And then after that we can really start to hone in on building relational skills. And so here’s a relational skill that I want to offer you. Having priorities in relationships is a thing.

prioritizing your relationships and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, who the five most important people in your life are just going to go throw it out, say it right there. Who are the five most important people in your life. These are people that you trust. These are people that you have mutual relationships with. So a mutual relationship is one where there’s a quality in the relationship. So actually, I just want to have a caveat here and say, This is not apply to your kids, a child, your child, that’s not a mutual relationship. That is a relationship where you are just constantly pouring into them and not expecting much back. Right. So even though they’re very important, they just go in this whole other category like yeah, your kids are always going to be important to you.

They’re in their own tier, T i e r tier, I want you to think about relationship tiers, your tier one people, not your kids, your kids are always going to be like your priority, but your tier one relationships are the ones that are mutual. There’s reciprocity. There’s back and forth. There’s equality in the relationship, okay? You trust them. These are people that you trust. So there’s recipe prosity and there’s a high level of trust, these five relationships, if you have five, by the way, you’re so lucky. But I’m saying five, because I think for some of you, you might struggle to limit that number. I’ve got like three. So if you aren’t five, you’re super, super lucky. But I think five is a really good number for tier one. So if we’re thinking in a pyramid, this is like the top of the pyramid, I mean, you can put whoever you want in there. So let me tell you who’s in mind my, my husband, tier one relationship, my sister, my best friends. Okay, so those are the people that I know, these are lifelong relationships. These are people that I have reciprocity, with, there’s a really good give and take, there’s a really good back and forth, there’s mutuality in the relationship. And there’s an extreme level of trust. So I’m wondering for you, if you could think it through? Who are the five ish people that you are closest with that, you know, these are the people that I trust?

These are mutual relationships, there is a back and forth there is reciprocity? Who are the people that I see kind of like a long term friendship with, or a long term relationship with who, who is in that tear one status. And for those of you who maybe struggle with like, it’s not really very fair to categorize humans. I just want to offer to you that like, what’s actually not fair is that our brain doesn’t do this naturally. That’s what’s not fair. Okay. What’s not fair is that our brain doesn’t do this naturally. What’s not fair is that we have to sit here and really think about it, and really, like write it down and make a list. The fact that our brain doesn’t do it naturally, I want to let you know other people’s brains, they just know this, they just do it naturally. So that’s what’s not fair if we’re going to talk about not fair, okay? So I want to give you freedom. And let you know it’s not being judgmental, but it is being discerning someone who’s judgmental is being unkind to someone else, someone who’s discerning is simply seeing the reality of where we are and making sound judgments based on reality. Okay, I want to invite you to be discerning and not feel guilty about being judgmental. What would be judgmental, is to be unkind, to be disrespectful to say to someone, you’re not in my top tier, and you need to get out of here. Like that’s obviously not what we’re talking about. But I do invite you to be discerning. Okay. So the Tier one is for people that you know, you want to prioritize, again, mutual relationships, and high level of trust. tier two, there’s going to be more people in tier two then in tier one, okay? Tier Two is maybe 10 to 15 people, and these are people that you like, and maybe you love, and there is a certain level of trust, not maybe the circle of trust, but there is like, does anybody get that meet the parents reference, I think that was Meet the Parents, right? The circle of trust. Am I just old? Okay, let’s move on. So maybe not the circle of trust. But there is a level of trust with tier two people. And these are people that you enjoy that you like that maybe if you had more capacity and more time, you would bump up to tier one, but you just don’t have time for everybody in the whole world, right. So it’s kind of like if I have the capacity, and I’m not being needed by a tier one person, I would absolutely love to be with these people. So these are acquaintances that you have, maybe these are mom friends, or maybe people you play sports with, or whatever colleagues that you really enjoy, but maybe are not like your best best friends.

So tier two is different from tier one to one, or like the very, very, very important relationships in your life to your to or maybe the fun friends. Maybe people that you see once in a while, but you probably are not going to call them in a crisis, you’re probably not going to lean on them. If your world is falling apart. And they’re probably not at the top of your priority list. When their world is falling apart. Doesn’t mean you don’t care doesn’t mean you don’t love them. But they’re probably not people that you’re going to drop everything for if they needed help. And this is an important distinction here because we can’t pretend that we have on limited capacity. Well, we can pretend but it doesn’t work out. Great. Am I right? Don’t pretend that you have unlimited capacity you don’t. And so knowing, okay, tier one people are people that I will drop anything for. And I will answer their texts, I will answer their calls, I will make sure that I am like really investing in them. Tier Two people are people that I do, like, I want to reiterate that I like you, you’re great. But I know that I don’t have capacity to make you a priority in my life. So I’m going to see you when it’s convenient for both of us, and it’s going to be great, but I don’t have the capacity to be there for you every single day. Okay, moving on. Tears, three are much more acquaintances, okay, I like you, I probably don’t trust you that much. I’m not going to tell you all my secrets, that’s for sure. I enjoy you we have fun. But definitely like, we’re probably not going to hang out, we’re going to maybe see each other at a party and chit chat.

And it’s going to be great. But this is definitely an acquaintance level relationships. So we’ve got tier one, which are the closest, closest closest, tier two, which are like I like you, let’s hang out once in a while. And then tier three, which is like, if I see you out and about, we’re going to chit chat. But other than that, you know, we’re not going to be hanging out. It’s really interesting, because as someone who was brought up in a family that had tons of relationships, and then I married a pastor, and I was in like a visible position in our church, there were a lot of people that wanted my time. And that might not be your experience, but it might be and so if you are in a position where a lot of people want your time, you especially need to learn how to prioritize in your relationships, because you can’t give everyone your time because your time is not unlimited. And this goes back to we got to live in reality. And ADHD years, a lot of us struggle to live in reality, we want there to be unlimited time, we want it to be an unlimited resource. We want to be all things to all people. We don’t want to say no, we do want to people, please, which we will talk about next week. Next week, we’re gonna talk about rejection and people pleasing. And like the self soothing needed to just be a person in relationships. So we will be talking about that. But just know that as you prioritize, there will be the need to say no to people that’s going to come up, there will be the need to understand I only have capacity for my tier one people and my kids. And I just can’t like right now in this season of life, I can’t do more. It’s interesting. And I’ve talked about this, I have this one person in my life who I really, really, really like, I trust her, I think she’s great. But in the last two years, when she has reached out, I have said no, I was going through a lot personally. So my emotional capacity was quite low. And I have kids who are older now, which means they need to be like run around to all different places. And my husband made a job transition like all of this stuff that was just like, I don’t have the capacity for her.

And I actually just reached out to her last week and was like, Hey, I am kind of coming out of the grief cave. If you know, you know what the grief cave is, if you don’t know what the grief cave is, you’re so lucky. I’m so happy. I’m so happy for you. But I literally said to her, I’m coming out of the grief cave. My capacity is really expanding. I would love to reconnect if you’re up for it. She may say no. And that would be totally fair. Some people are just like, You know what, I tried to hang out with you. You didn’t want to forget you. But she was so generous and wonderful about it. And we’re gonna go for a walk in July. And that’s wonderful. Like, I can’t wait to hang out with her.

But I knew that I didn’t have the space for it for the last two years. And now that I’m coming out of that grief cave, first of all, hallelujah. And second of all, she’s definitely someone that I would love to be around. So knowing that your capacity is going to fluctuate and making allowances for that is a really beautiful thing. I would highly encourage you to just make an actual physical list of at least your tier one relationships, who are the people that you want to make sure you prioritize? Who are the people that you would regret in five years in 10 years at the end of your life, not spending time with reminder, this doesn’t apply to your kids. Of course, if you are someone with children, of course your kids are always going to be a priority to you. And also that’s not a mutual relationship. So I’m talking about mutual relationships. People that you have reciprocity with people that you have a lot of trust with. Make a list. Who are those people put it like write it on a sticky note. You don’t have to write tear one. You don’t have to write anything but just like these are the people that I want to remember that I care about. The ADHD brain is very out of sight out of mind. I think we talked about that a little bit last week, we are out of sight out of mind, I can forget a person exists, I can go three weeks without texting someone.

And this actually reminds me that I need to text my one of my besties Jamie, I haven’t connected with her in a while. So I want to make sure that I am doing that. Okay, after you’ve defined your tiers, or at least your tier one people, what I want you to do is identify your role in each relationship. If this feels mechanical, and like, weird, I just want to let you know, again, this is something that sometimes neurotypicals can just do very naturally, but as ADHD or as we have to kind of walk through the steps of this process, what is your role in this relationship? So this has actually really changed my life, when I have identified what is my role. So for example, if you have a boss, who wants you to treat them like a tier one relationship, but you only get paid from nine to five, identifying your role as employee and not emotional support person is going to be really important.

Okay, knowing what’s the power dynamic here. So along with the role comes a power dynamic, is there an equal amount of power in this relationship, like a husband and a wife or two committed partners, there is an equal amount or there should be an equal amount of power, there should be mutuality, there should be reciprocity. However, when I’m looking at my role as a parent to my children, I hold more power in that relationship than they do. Therefore, I am responsible for more in that relationship than they are. Okay, so what is my role here in this relationship? Again, if we go back to the employee employer relationship, if you are discovering, okay, my role is to be the employer and to fulfill my job tasks. But what they’re asking me to do is emotional support work. And the power dynamic is really tricky here, because I have less power in the relationship, because I’m the employee, it’s really important to see that become aware of it, define it, and then set some boundaries around it. Like I’m not here to be your emotional support. So what do I need to put in place, so that I am not consenting to be the emotional support of someone that I’m working for? Okay, so thinking through your role can change your life, this was actually really interesting to me, as a parent, understanding what my role is, my role is to protect my kids, my role is to support my kids, my role is to nurture my children.

So that really changed the dynamic of my relationship with my kids. When I understood Oh, my role here is not to get my needs met from my kiddos, my role here is to meet needs exclusively. Dang. Okay. And so there was a huge shift for me when I recognized my role. So I would really encourage you with the people that you see most often define your role in the relationship that will also help you to define your edges of what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do. It will help you to define what’s expected of you and what you should and should not be required to give in the relationship. Very, very important work. So I hope the whole concept of priorities and roles and relationships is so helpful to you. Again, I really encourage you to define for yourself, who are your top tier people who are the tier one relationships in your life, that you want to make sure you prioritize? And then look at your calendar and check in with yourself? Am I showing these tier one people? With my time that they matter to me? Am I showing these tier one people with my energy was my capacity with my texting with my emailing whatever means of communication? Am I showing them that they matter to me? Or am I just thinking in my brain that they matter to me, but I’m not externalizing it and showing them with my behavior because there needs to be a match. Hear me, there needs to be a match of priority and behavior.

If someone is your tier one priority, then your behavior, your time, your capacity, your energy needs to reflect that. And if someone is in a tier three position, where it’s just like this is just a fun, casual relationship. It’s just an acquaintance. Are you giving them more of your time that’s actually deserved for your tier one. People are should be reserved for your tier one people. That’s a fascinating mental exercise. I invite you to participate. I promise you, it’s going to change everything. And if you want to go deeper if you want an extreme makeover for your relationships, if you want me to take you by the hand and answer your specific questions and coach you on having better, deeper, more connected relationships, come join focused for July, I promise you it will change your life.

Go to I have adhd.com/focus To learn more, and I can’t wait to see you next week. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential you’ve got to join focused. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted. No matter what season of life you’re in, or where you are in the world focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all the info.

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