Kristen Carder 0:07
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up, this is Christian Carter and you’re listening to the I have ADHD podcast, Happy New Year, Happy New Year. From the bottom of my heart, I just want to say thank you so much for being on this journey with me. The fact that you listen and engage with this podcast and even resonate with some of my thoughts and ideas. It just brings me so much joy. Thank you so much. If you like or even love this podcast, don’t forget to subscribe so that it appears in your podcast feed magically every single week. And if you have the executive function capacity, go ahead and give it a five star rating so that other ADHD errs out there can find it and get the help that they are looking for as well. It’s the first Tuesday in January, which means it’s the season for looking ahead at 2023 and setting some goals.

I thought it would be amazing to bring on one of my employees who just so happens to be an expert on setting and achieving goals. Felicia brookhollow is a certified life coach, author impossible goal achiever and Director of Operations here at I have ADHD. She went from feeling like she couldn’t achieve a single goal to achieving goals that blew her mind, like running 12 half marathons and a full marathon in 12 Different states writing a book, competing in a bikini competition, quitting alcohol, healing her relationship with food and breaking a family pattern of unhealthy relationships. She now coaches people on how they can go from struggling with their goals to achieving their own impossible goals. Welcome, welcome, Felicia, I am so thrilled that you’re here.

Felicia Broccolo 2:23
Hi, I’m excited to be here. Happy New Year.

Kristen Carder 2:27
Happy New Year to you. I am so thrilled to have you here because I adore you. The focus members adore you. And I know this podcast audience will adore you too. So first disclaimer, you don’t have ADHD? Correct?

Felicia Broccolo 2:42
Correct. But the everything that I’ve learned is very relatable. And I think there’s so much that, you know, even I think there’s people from all ends of the spectrum that if you have a little bit of ADHD to a lot of ADHD, there’s so much that this work can help you. So no, I don’t have ADHD, but I find the work that you teach super helpful for my life as well.

Kristen Carder 3:09
I’m so glad to hear that. That’s awesome. And you’ve been coaching our elite members in focus. So for our members and focus, once they reach a full year of being in the program, they get all kinds of bonuses, including an impossible goal course, and a coaching call each month with you. So tell me about that. How’s that been going?

Felicia Broccolo 3:31
Yeah, it’s super fun. Those calls are especially fun. Because once you get to be a list we everybody’s cameras on. So it’s so fun to like, be a part of the community. And everybody is like cheering each other on and excited about their goals. And I just love like being in an atmosphere where everybody is doing big things together. Hmm.

Kristen Carder 3:55
Yeah, I mean, this wasn’t the point of the episode. But like, focus is such a place where people are so happy for each other’s wins. You know, like, we really do get excited about each other’s progress. And I think it’s because we see, like, if it’s possible for them, maybe it’s possible for me. So I totally agree. That’s such a fun part of the community. So we’re going to be talking about impossible goals what an impossible goal is your strategies for helping your clients with impossible goals? And then, you know, since normally the people that you coach may or may not have ADHD, I am curious about how you kind of modify your strategies and like the goals that you set for people with ADHD. But first, let’s start with the basics. What do you consider to be an impossible goal?

Felicia Broccolo 4:47
Yeah, so I think when I first learned about impossible goals and the coaching school that Kristin and I both went to, they taught us about impossible goals in terms of like this huge grand thing that really made you want to barf thinking about it like it was supposed to be really, really big. But I think the more that we’ve been on our own journey, and we’ve learned is sometimes it is super fun to set that like Barfy impossible goal. But sometimes an impossible goal is just something that you’ve never done before. And something that’s new, that’s still going to feel impossible, because it’s new. And, you know, at different stages where we’re at, sometimes it might be time to set that Barfy impossible goal. And other times, it’s time to just try something new, like going to bed within within an hour every night. Right, impossible is going to be different for everybody. But that’s what’s really cool about it.

Kristen Carder 5:47
I resonate with that so much because I have seen impossible goals be SO SO, SO useful for me, the big Barfi ones. But then I’ve also seen it be just destructive for me where it’s just too impossible. And it’s too overwhelming. And I don’t even bother try. And I wanted to mention, gosh, it’s just so amazing that you’re the one that we hired to come into our company a year and a half ago. Because while you bring so much like of course, like operations, expertise, and management, and just all of the systems details, you also were able to bring in this impossible go coach side of you and help me reach so many of my impossible goals, including the big one that I set for 2021, which was to reach a seven figure business and you were there with me, coaching me on my drama all along the way. And that was the biggest, most vomit inducing goal that I’ve ever set for myself.

Felicia Broccolo 6:52
So many of us think that when we set a goal, like we need the steps to get there, right? That’s what we’re looking for. We’re looking for the blueprint, what do I do next? How do I get there. But really, no matter where you’re at from a little goal to a big goal, there is so much drama and like mindset that we have to work on, where we’re self sabotaging where we’re procrastinating. It’s all those little skills that you know, no matter what your goal is, it’s not often the plan. It’s often how we’re thinking and our relationship with ourself.

Kristen Carder 7:27
Totally, totally agree. And you are an expert at sniffing out self sabotage. You sniff it out in me all the time. And when I go to change a plan, you will often ask me, wait a second, is this like, it’s fine? If we change the plan? It’s no problem at all. But is it possible that we might be self sabotaging a little bit here? And the answer to that question, oftentimes for me is like, yeah, I am. Do you remember when I almost stopped print on all of those, like, hundreds of relationship workbooks, I was like, It’s not good enough. It’s not. I have to stop tell the printer to stop printing. Do you remember that day?

Felicia Broccolo 8:09
I do. Yeah. And I was like, Are you like, scared like this is it’s really vulnerable. Hmm. And like, I think that’s what it came down to at the end of the day was like, it was a very vulnerable real workbook for you to write because it was so much of what you had, like recently gone through and are going through. And it’s, you know, it’s easy to just be like, no, no, no, it’s, I don’t want to do it. And that’s why we all need a coach, right? Every badass. We all need a coach to be there and remind us like, it’s okay, you’re, you’re safe. Like, I know, this is scary, but it’s okay.

Kristen Carder 8:50
My gosh, thank you for that, by the way, because we did print the workbooks. And the course is amazing. But it wasn’t without a whole lot of vulnerability and drama on my part. So fully show, what is the benefit to someone setting an impossible goal? Like why should someone bother?

Felicia Broccolo 9:09
Yeah, so I think a lot of times, we don’t want to set goals in general, because we don’t want to be disappointed. Right? So we think that the goal is what controls our emotions. Right? And we know that outside things that situations don’t control our emotions. And our thoughts are what create our emotions. And we have to remind ourselves that the goal isn’t making you feel bad, or you not achieving the goal isn’t what’s making you feel bad. It’s everything running through your mind like I’m a failure, or I shouldn’t have done that or I should have tried harder. So goals and impossible goals are amazing because a lot of times we just don’t set them because we don’t want to feel the emotion that comes up. And we fail ahead of time, right? So instead of trying the goal, and feeling some way and possibly failing, we say no, I’m just going to fail right now. I’m just not even going to try so that I don’t have to deal with potential emotions. Yeah, yeah. And I think that’s why goals are so powerful, because one like, it helps us learn that it helps us with our emotion work, it helps us with the way that we’re talking to ourselves about our goals and what we achieve. But just having that goal and trying, you are getting so much further than if you were to not set the goal at all.

Kristen Carder 10:48
It’s so true. And I think about that a lot if you can tolerate the emotion. And sometimes that means setting yourself up with as much support as possible so that you have cheerleaders in your life, really helping you to process emotion and tolerate it and help you like navigate a better perspective. But if you can tolerate all of that emotion, you can move the needle of your life of the things that you achieve so much farther. So even if you don’t hit the goal, you’ve still made progress, you’ve still like gone forward. So like, for example, if you have an impossible goal of losing 20 pounds, but you lose 11 pounds, that’s still pretty great. But what ADHD is, I mean, I think humans do this, but like ADHD is especially like, I knew I couldn’t do it, you know, here I go failing again, why did I even bother? So what do you do? When someone for example, loses 11 pounds and not 20 pounds? And they’re beating themselves up?

Felicia Broccolo 11:50
Yeah, so I think exactly what you said is being able to look at the progress that they’ve made. And this is a perfect example for doing a steer map like we do and focused, right, when we can see that all of our thoughts are, I failed, there’s something wrong with me, all of those negative thoughts, we feel terrible. And then we often that’s when we self sabotage, that’s when we do actions that aren’t getting us any closer. So that’s where coaching comes in. And it’s super important to be able to see, the way that we’re beating ourselves up is actually getting us further from where we want to be than closer.

Kristen Carder 12:32
That’s so important. Because I think that we truly believe that we need to beat ourselves up. Like it’s, it’s actually important, and we need to punish ourselves. And I’m never going to change my behavior. If I like, let myself get away with it, so to speak. Or if I you know, if I accept where I am, then I’ll never change. And that is the biggest lie.

Felicia Broccolo 12:55
Yeah, I first learned about coaching because I had a really bad relationship with food. And I believed I was out of control around food. And I had plenty of evidence to prove it true. But I didn’t realize that was like me beating myself up. I just thought like, everybody in the world could agree on that. And I realized, the more that I believed that, the worse I felt. And the more that I did these out of control actions. And I remember one night, got up in the middle of the night, got out a giant bowl for cereal, and it’s like, oh, like now the bowl is really full. And like I had the thought popped into my head, you are in control. Because it was something that I was trying to practice thinking. And that was the first time like, in the moment, I remembered. And I was like you are in control. And I was literally repeating it to myself. And then I was like, okay, like pour this some of the cereal back. Like you do not need to fill up this entire boat. But that was really the first time that I was able to change myself talk and be like, Oh, well, if I’m in control, I don’t need to like, be like, Oh, oops, there’s nothing I can do about this right? Now. It’s like a start of Yeah.

Kristen Carder 14:11
That’s so huge. So you started as someone who felt very out of control around food and believed that you were very out of control around food. What did your journey of setting impossible goals and achieving them look like?

Felicia Broccolo 14:26
Yeah, so I was always on a journey to like, find the diet that was going to fix me like I thought it was a diet that was going to like be the thing to make me better. And I was actually tricked into coaching. It was great. I thought I thought I was finding a new diet. But the diet was all about coaching men. It was all about our mindset, which is exactly what I needed. Until when I started, you know, learning steer maps and learning coaching. That’s how I was able to change my relationship with food. And at that point I had Set the same goal year after year after year. And it was some form of lose weight. And I was like, I didn’t need to lose weight, like I wasn’t overweight, right? It was just like crazy thinking. But that is how I finally learned to accomplish a goal for the first time, I did lose weight, like I got to a very low weight. And that’s when I did the bikini competition, because I was able to, like follow a plan and be in control for the first time ever. So I was like, Okay, I want to like do something really cool to like, prove to myself that I can do this. And that was, like, my first big goal was being able to be in control around food and like, follow, just follow through and do what I said I was going to do. And once I did that, it changed my mindset. So I like to teach people about something called the belief action shuffle. And it’s really hard to just like jump in belief, right to just jump from, I’m out of control to like, I always follow through. So if you can change a little bit of your belief, like maybe one day, I’ll be in control, and then take a little bit of action towards that and prove it to yourself. And then you can believe it a little bit more. And then you can do more actions that prove it true. And that’s how I think and in my experience, you can increase your confidence. And that’s how you can go from setting small goals, to setting bigger and bigger goals, because you’re raising your confidence, and you’re proving it to yourself. So yeah, that’s, that’s how it all started.

Kristen Carder 16:39
I love the belief action shuffle that is so, so good. Because it, it takes more than just like practicing a mantra or changing a mindset like, you also have to build up a body of evidence, because especially when you’re not used to achieving any goal that you’ve set, you have so much evidence that you just can’t do it, that you’re just like not capable, that you’re not someone who can set a goal and achieve it. And so to set a tiny, tiny goal, and then achieve it and then another little one and achieve it and that is kind of maybe sometimes the roadmap to an impossible goal.

Felicia Broccolo 17:21
Yeah, totally. So that’s, that’s what setting an impossible goal is, it’s a lot 100, maybe small wins that you’ve accumulated. And that is the process that I teach. So we were taught to do impossible goals, you should write out a list of 100 things that you can do like within the next year to achieve your goal. That’s a lot. And that’s overwhelming. And that’s hard to do is to create a list of 100. So what I teach is to break it down and just do a list of like 20 or 25. But then to repeat that, so the big list helps in expanding your mind. Because a lot of times when we think about how we’re going to achieve a goal. We’re like, well, I can try this and try this. And I don’t know, I don’t know how to get there, I don’t know, right, our mind automatically goes to I don’t know, and forcing ourselves to write down 20 or 25 or 100 things really opens up our mind to like, Okay, but what the heck could I do? And when we ask our brain good questions, how can I achieve this goal? What are all the things that I could do? Your brain will find answers. So writing a list longer than you think you need just to let your brain dream and explore and push past that. I don’t know that it’s going to give you

Kristen Carder 18:51
Yeah, I think we usually ask our brains questions like, Why do I suck at achieving goals? Why am I not able to do this? Right? So that the only possible answer is like a negative answer about us? Like, because you’re a terrible person, right? Like there’s no other answer, rather than how can I get this done? What support could I put in place for myself to make sure that I get this done? Who do I need to hire or ask for help in order to make sure that I can accomplish this goal? Right. So is there anyone who shouldn’t create an impossible goal? Is there anyone that you would be like, impossible goals are for this group of people, but they’re not for this group of people? Is anyone excluded from the like, impossible goal segment of the population or no?

Felicia Broccolo 19:45
Yeah, that’s a good question. I think if you are like why do you want to accomplish a goal in general, I think is a great question to ask. Because a lot of times we are looking to accomplish a goal for For a reason that kind of sucks. So if your reason is something like, well, I want to accomplish this goal, so that my husband will love me more. That is hard to do, right? Because we can’t change your husband, we can’t change other people. So I think setting goals, you might question it. If one, you’re setting your goal from a place of almost thinking that it’s going to make you enough, like once I accomplish this goal, then I will finally have arrived. It’s not bad, but your goal just isn’t going to do that for you. Yeah, like, that’s when we need more coaching for that, or therapy for that, right? Like, so many people set goals in thinking that it’s going to make them love themselves, or make somebody else love them. And it doesn’t work like that. So that’s one. And I think, too, you should be careful in setting goals. If you do have that mindset of like, I’m a failure, and you’re already really negative and your self talk. I think we should work on that before we work on a goal because a goal is just going to be another reason to beat yourself up.

Kristen Carder 21:22
I love that, like the goal should then be let me improve my self talk. Right? Right, which might, it could be considered an impossible goal. Right? How do I? Yeah, how do I improve myself talk? I think that a goal is a really beautiful way to help people know what they’re thinking about themselves. And you touched on that at the beginning, where it’s like, if you are someone who beats yourself up and shames yourself easily, like a goal is going to magnify that. And if you’re someone who’s really nurturing with yourself, and compassionate and empathetic, a goal is going to magnify that because you have so many opportunities to take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself and be nice to yourself. But I agree like if your self talk is already like, pretty negative, then the goal could be how do I improve my self talk?

Felicia Broccolo 22:20
Yeah, or just making sure that you’re doing it, you’re supporting yourself in setting a goal, you can still set a goal but make sure that there is somebody there with you that’s going to help you through that. Because like you said, it will amplify it. It’ll give you more reason to believe what you already believe about yourself good or bad.

Kristen Carder 22:40
That’s so good. And now a word from our sponsor. Hey, Kristen here, I’m the host of this podcast, an ADHD expert and a certified life coach who’s helped hundreds of adults with ADHD understand their unique brains and make real changes in their lives. If you’re not sure what a life coach is, let me tell you, a life coach is someone who helps you achieve your goals like a personal trainer for your life. A life coach is a guide who holds your hand along the way as you take baby step after baby step to accomplish the things that you want to accomplish. A good life coach is a trained expert, who knows how to look at situations or situations with non judgmental neutrality, and offer you solutions that you’ve probably never even considered before. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, and maybe even you’ve done some work in therapy, and you want to add to your scaffolding of support, you’ve got to join my group coaching program focused. Focused is where functional adults with ADHD surround each other with encouragement and support. And I lead the way with innovative and creative solutions to help you fully accept yourself, understand your ADHD, and create the life that you’ve always wanted to create, even with ADHD, for I have adhd.com/focused to join. And I hope to see you in our community today.

I really like how you said at the beginning of this conversation that an impossible goal could be a very big, huge goal. Or it could just be something that maybe other people think is small, but that you’ve never done before because that is impossible. Technically, it’s impossible because you’ve never done it. What would examples of those small goals like let’s brainstorm some of those for people who are like, I do want to kind of practice this but I don’t want to do anything too massive.

Felicia Broccolo 24:47
Yeah, I like asking the question like what do I value? And what is my 80 year old self glad that I did in my life like that just gives me such perspective. Have a

Kristen Carder 25:01
question.

Felicia Broccolo 25:04
Right? Like, I picture a picture of me like with my grandkids. And I’m like, looking back on my life. What am I glad I spent my time doing? Right. So and and I think that’s just such a good way to be like, Oh, I’m super passionate about art. Like when I’m 80 I’m going to be so glad that I made time for art once a week or so or that I made sure I was prioritizing rest. Yeah. Or that I spent time with my kids. Right? Because it’s probably not like, I’m so glad I did that crash diet.

Kristen Carder 25:40
I did want to ask you, when you can compete in the bikini competition, and you are down to like, the crazy weight. Were you happier? Did it change everything for you? Like, I think because you did touch on, like, we think that our goals are gonna give us happiness and fulfillment and make us feel like we’re now valuable and worth something and like, you did the thing. How did that work out for you internally,

Felicia Broccolo 26:09
it was so crazy. Because I remember being there like my time to go on stage was coming up. And just looking at myself and being like, whoa, like, that’s cool. I’ve never looked like this before. And I felt super proud of myself. And I’ve through setting goals. That’s like one of my favorite feelings is to be proud of myself. But I was like, this wasn’t worth it. Like, don’t want to do it again. I’m ready to like, be back to normal life. It wasn’t like that. It was just like, wow, that’s cool. You did it. Like, I’m proud of you. Your stomach is still like, you still have like a little bump in your lower stomach. Like where your intestines in uteruses and all of that. Like, it didn’t go away. Dare you

Kristen Carder 26:56
have a bump in your stomach where your intestines.

Felicia Broccolo 27:00
And I was with my boyfriend at the time, we had broken up like while I was like preparing for my competition. So I was like, Well, my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore than I’m like, skinnier. I don’t have more money. Now that I’m skinnier. I’m not, right. Like all the reasons that I was like, oh, I want to be skinny. Because life will be amazing once I’m skinny. Yeah, yeah, or rich, or whatever your whatever your thing is. You still have negative emotions. It’s so annoying, isn’t it? It is really annoying. I know.

Kristen Carder 27:38
It’s annoying. I just, I’m still learning that lesson. Like I am still surprised every time I’m hit with shame, or agitation. Or just like not liking my life. You know? Like, I’m still surprised like, oh, this again, like this again. It’s like, yeah, you’re human.

Felicia Broccolo 28:05
But I think you have to experience it. And that’s why I’m so glad I did. I think you have to have the thing that you really want. And then and then you do realize, okay, like I’m still a human being with human emotions. And then you get to decide like, then what if I’m gonna feel kind of crappy and kind of amazing. Do I want to like work really hard on this business? Do I want to work really hard on this body? Maybe Yeah, because you’re gonna feel all the emotions here are all the emotions there. But then you get to decide. And it’s not like, I have to do this. So that my life is amazing. Yeah, yeah.

Kristen Carder 28:48
Yeah, your life is kind of amazing and kind of crappy either way. So what do you want it to look like? Yeah. Because either way, it’s going to be hard.

Felicia Broccolo 28:57
We didn’t brainstorm a list of hobbies. I distracted you with the 80 year old comment. You have much more ADHD experience, like I do. What are some, like smaller goals that you think could be valuable?

Kristen Carder 29:12
Yeah, I love that question. So I think that when I work with clients and focus, and we talk about things that feel impossible to them, it’s things like remembering to eat three or four times a day, getting up. The first time their alarm goes off, not hitting snooze. 700 times, going to bed and you mentioned this one, like going to bed within an hour of when you decide in advance that you want to go to bed. So it’s like between 1030 and 11:30am going to go to bed, finishing a work project, like you know, starting with things like okay, I’m going to, I’m going to meet the deadline. So like not being late, but then like okay, I’m going to be an hour before the deadline or a day before the deadline. That kind of thing. working your way up to being early on, on submitting things for work. You know, health is always one that comes up. And I think health is awesome. But I think that we put so much weight on it, no pun intended. And so you know that that’s one that’s very tangible, but there’s also so much emotion that goes into that one that I kind of try to stay away from it, I will refer to the experts, you know, refer to you and other people on that kind of thing. But, but even just like, I’m going to move my body X amount of times, you know, in a week, and one that I think is really important, I’ve been working on this with my Business Mastermind group is finishing work when you say you’re going to finish work. Because that, and I talked about this a lot, but like ADHD entrepreneurs often don’t have an identity outside of work. And so finishing work at like six o’clock, and then having the whole evening to just be uncomfortable with being this like other version of you that’s not productive and validated for all of the great things that you do at work, it can be so difficult. So even those kinds of things that seem simple, if you’re not doing them now, they are impossible. Right? Like, if it’s not a habit, if it’s not a part of your life now. It’s still it’s impossible. And so you could set it as an impossible goal, and really work toward mastery of it.

Felicia Broccolo 31:31
Yeah, and that’s a great place to start is something that’s not absolutely insane. Because it is easier to quit on something that is huge. Yes. Especially if you don’t have support in doing it. So it’s great to find that smaller, impossible goal. You do it, you achieve it, and then you can believe, Oh, I can accomplish a goal, I have accomplished a goal. Yeah, and having that identity of I can accomplish a goal is huge. Right? That’s what’s gonna propel you forward and help you take action towards your next goal.

Kristen Carder 32:10
So true, because now when I set goals, I’m like, obviously, it’s going to happen. Yeah, but I was not always that person.

Felicia Broccolo 32:18
And I think with that being said, like, you don’t have to have goal after goal after goal, like sometimes you need a break. And where you just need to like rest and like, family time is your goal. Yeah, or like self care and rest is your goal. Those are perfectly valid goals. They don’t always need to be like, going and doing and achieving.

Kristen Carder 32:45
I love that. What do you feel like comes up often ish? When you’re coaching the focus to a list members? Like what kinds of things do you hear from them? I don’t know. I’m just I’m just curious if there’s anything that comes up when you’re when you’re coaching that group of people?

Felicia Broccolo 32:59
Yeah, I think that’s why it’s really fun to have, like the mastermind group that we get to have when you’re a year in focus. Yeah. Because, yes, I’m there. But also, other ADHD are there that have been doing this work for a year. And they like sometimes they understand each other better than I do. And they get to chime in. But I think recently, we’ve been talking about the like, identity of being late, and how it’s really hard for people to be on time, and how it almost feels bad to be on time. And there is no like, urgency getting them there. So that’s something that we’ve been working on and, and they like, share what’s worked for them. I’m trying to think but there are definitely like common threads where, you know, one person says, Hey, I’m struggling with this this month, like this is what I need help with. Somebody else has a completely different goal. But they totally relate to what the issue is. And, you know, everybody gets help, even if we’re talking about somebody’s goal that is different from everybody else’s.

Kristen Carder 34:12
I love that. That’s why I love group coaching. So freaking much. Do you have any impossible goals that you’re working on for 2023 or setting for yourself for 2023?

Felicia Broccolo 34:25
I so it’s November. Can I say that?

Kristen Carder 34:30
It’s November now, but the episode is coming out in January, baby. Yeah, you can say it. People will just be impressed with how far ahead I am working. So I’m totally fine with you saying that.

Felicia Broccolo 34:45
So, as we’re recording this, Kristen garter is very ahead of time and it is beginning of November. And I do not have an impossible goal for 2023 But I’ll just do a life announcement on here. I’m pregnant. And that is, I think an impossible goal enough for me is like, having a baby and surviving and figuring out how to be a mom. So, like I was saying, like, it doesn’t need to be achieving all of the time. Like, sometimes it’s just figuring out how to be a mom and how to be a good wife and how to balance having a job and a baby. So that’s what I’m going to be working on this year. I think

Kristen Carder 35:31
I was setting you up to, like, say that if you wanted to, but I wasn’t sure if you were going to I was like, I’m just gonna, like, put this serve out there and see if she takes it. That’s so awesome. Okay, so this is a great segue into, first of all, congratulations. Thank you. You’re welcome. Second, I think it’s so exciting. And when you have a goal, that’s like, I want to be a good mom. How do you make that actionable? Or I want to be like a good pregnant person, like, I want to grow human in my body, like, Do you know what I’m saying?

Felicia Broccolo 36:09
Yeah, so a lot of goals are like up in the air. Right? So your goals like oh, well, I want to be happier this year. Or I want to be a better mom, or it’s like this? Like, how the heck are we going to know? Right? If you were a better mom, from start to finish, right? Like, how do we measure that, which can be really hard to do? And I think a lot of times, if we believe I’m not a good mom, in 12 months, no matter what you do, even if you like if we could like measure your mom level, right? If you believe you’re not a good mom, at the end of the year, like I don’t know if you’re going to believe you’re any better of a mom. Yeah. Right. Because our thoughts are so powerful. Yeah. And, and we just see all of the instances where we’re not a good mom. So I think in that case, if your goal is something like more abstract like that, we can find a way to make it a little bit more measurable. So maybe, for me being pregnant is like I want to read a book a month on pregnancy, that’s a lot, maybe not that much. But something like that, right? Or I want to read two books. And like, take notes on the things I can actually apply from these books. So figuring out how you can take that abstract goal. And actually check it off so that you can feel proud of yourself so that you can feel like you’ve achieved something. Maybe it’s like joining focused or getting a coach, because that’s going to help you a lot with the way that you’re thinking and the way that you’re feeling. So how can you make that goal? A little bit more measurable, so that we know Yes, I did it I achieved this goal.

Kristen Carder 38:03
Yes, measurable is the perfect word. It’s the word that I could not find. Thank you so much. I think that that’s so important, because abstract goals are still good goals. I set a goal a couple of years ago, and I’ve mentioned this on the podcast. Before that I wanted to feel more connected to my kids. And that’s been an evolvement over the last, it’s probably been three years now. And I have to say that I feel so much more connected to my kids. But it took me making very measurable steps like actionable steps that I could really check off. So like I went to therapy for myself, so I could heal my own childhood stuff. And then I set time aside for them. And I decided to connect with them. And I tried to figure out what they liked and like all of those more actionable, measurable things that led me to now feeling like my abstract goal has been achieved, like I do feel very connected to them. It’s the kind of goal that like you always need to be working on. But still I can say like, I’ve achieved that. And it was very nebulous, like, how does one how do you get more connected to your kids? But it does come in like very actionable steps.

Felicia Broccolo 39:25
Yeah, your your kids are on your calendar, right? Like I see that working with your calendar, like your kids are there. And you have never once been like, oh, sorry, like I’m staying at work late. I can’t go to my kids practice, right. Like that is the priority. And I think that’s a great way to do it. Right like, intentional time with your kids. therapy’s huge because that affects them. But yeah, it’s totally possible to have a pie in the sky kind of goal. And then and then you take the action steps figure out what those are in order to get there, we can check them off. And we can know Yes, I have done the thing.

Kristen Carder 40:09
Yeah, I really like that that’s really helpful. You know, you mentioned earlier that our goals or achieving goals doesn’t actually create feelings for us. And it’s interesting that like, my goal of being more connected to my kids, that’s actually a feeling that I have is connection, but it’s because I’m believing that I’m connected, I’m seeing the interactions and the relationships, and my thoughts are like, Oh, I understand them, or oh, they’re sharing with me, or, Oh, they’re opening up. And so that, like thought process me being able to observe those things is helping me to feel more connected. Can you talk a little bit more about how our goals really don’t create our feelings? Because I do think that’s an important thing to maybe end on.

Felicia Broccolo 41:01
Yeah, it’s, it’s really interesting to think about, because I think that’s why a lot of us set goals is to feel better at the end of the day, right? We want to feel healthier, we want to feel more comfortable. We want to feel more connected, whatever it is, we want to change our feelings. And I think it’s just so important to know, even just in the back of your mind, that your goal is not going to be the thing that changes how you feel. Right. So even when you did these things, and you put your kids first on your calendar, that didn’t make you feel more connected. Yeah. Right. All of your thoughts about is I get to show up for them. I get to be there for them. Yeah, I get to support my kids every day. Right, that’s where we feel connected. And they probably feel something to because they get to have their mom there. So I think like, positive or negative in the positive, where we want to feel connected. And in the negative, where our goal if we don’t achieve it can make us feel really bad. Yeah, right. Where we can say, I feel terrible. I feel like a failure. Because I didn’t achieve my goal. I just want you to know that it’s not because of your goal. And that’s so important to continuing to set goals. Because if we give our goals, the power to let us feel terrible. We aren’t going to set goals anymore. Right? Yes, we’re going to, yeah, we’re gonna, we’re gonna stop because goals make us feel bad. Yeah. And that, that might be how a lot of people feel if you’ve tried to set goals, especially if you’re listening to neurotypical advice, and you have ADHD, you’re trying to set goals, goals, make you feel bad, right. That’s how it that’s how it seems. But you have to know, that’s not true. Everything that we’re thinking, there’s a step in between there. Everything that we’re thinking is what’s making us feel bad about goals. Yeah, you can change that. You can improve your relationship with goals. And knowing that, hey, I set a goal and I didn’t achieve it. That doesn’t mean anything about me. Except for. I’m awesome. Because I tried. Yes. That’s, that’s the motto is like, I tried, and I’m so proud of myself for trying. Like, that’s it. Cut it off. Yeah, no more. Yep.

Kristen Carder 43:39
So this is such a perfect point. Because when I was saying earlier, like, you know, now I achieve every goal that I set, I literally forgot that I changed my goal for 2022. I lowered it by $500,000. And I didn’t even care. Because my thought about it is not like oh, great, Kristen. Now here you go. Like just changing your goals, so you can make it easier for yourself. In my mind. I’m like, No, it just makes so much sense to set a more doable goal this year, because I’ve been through some stuff. And I’m happy with, like the revenue that we’re on, like trajectory to make and it’s great. And so I just changed my goal it literally in the middle of the year and was like no, I like this goal better. I just changed the goal. And I didn’t have any drama about it. But it’s because I’ve done so much work on my thoughts is because I’ve done so much work of like accepting who I am. allowed me to just like give myself the grace that I needed to actually have a doable goal, not one that I felt like I had to like, grind it out for and I just think to your point. It’s so descriptive of is that the goal that makes you feel a certain thing. It’s your mind mindset around it. And if you can learn to manage your mindset, if you can learn to observe your thoughts, if you can learn to feel and process your emotions and know that they’re there because of the way that you’re thinking, then you have the authority, the power to step into creating whatever goals that you want, or even changing your goals, making them smaller, making them not as big of a deal and managing your emotions around it either way.

Felicia Broccolo 45:29
And I love that because you believe I achieved the goals that I set, which I know you didn’t always believe that about yourself Coronavirus, correct, right? Correct. Because you believe that that’s what your mind sees, right? That’s how our brains work. That’s what we see. I’m sure there’s goals that you’ve set that you haven’t achieved, right? You’ve had that belief, but your mind is like, don’t need to worry about that. I achieve goals.

Kristen Carder 45:57
Yep. That’s so true. That’s so true. Okay, if people want more of Felicia Buccola in their lives, if they are interested in connecting with you hiring you, finding you on Instagram and doing a deep dive on all things, Felicia, how can they get in touch?

Felicia Broccolo 46:15
Yeah, so my website is create the impossible life.com and I am on Instagram, you can follow my pregnant baby journey if you’d like. My Instagram is at Felicia Anna, bro. CoLo. I hope you can spell that. And yeah, that’s where you can find me.

Kristen Carder 46:34
Amazing. We’ll put that in the show notes so that people can find you easily. Thank you so much for being here. I adore you. I’m so glad that you’re here.

Felicia Broccolo 46:41
Yeah, thanks for having me. It was fun.

Kristen Carder 46:44
Hey, ADHD, or I see you I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understand the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focus. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study be coached, grow and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more