Kristen Carder
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up, this is Kristen Carter, and you’re listening to the I have ADHD Podcast, episode number 180. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. And I am ready to roll.

I cannot wait to talk to you guys today. I cannot wait. Thank you for being here. I’m so glad you press play on this podcast. Today is part three in a four part relationship series. We’re talking all about ADHD and relationships. And what I’ve found in my own life and working with 1000s of clients with ADHD is that we struggle in relationships. And so I thought it would be really important for us to tackle this issue on the podcast here. Today’s episode is going to be an interesting one because I’m going to introduce the concept of safe people versus Unsafe people.

And I have to admit to you that as of two years ago, when I would hear somebody refer to another person as unsafe, I would roll my eyes, because I knew they weren’t physically abusive, I knew they weren’t physically unsafe. And I didn’t understand what it meant. I wish I could go back and give myself a hug and explain to her the difference between a safe person and an unsafe person. But luckily, after years in therapy, and a lot of reading and work on relationships, I have finally come to the realization that it is not just important, it’s actually very necessary for us to comb through the relationships in our lives. And identify whether the people that we’re interacting with are safe, or unsafe. And when I say that I mean emotionally, mentally relationally safe, versus emotionally, mentally relationally. unsafe.

Okay, this concept, if you will bear with me, if you will just you know, if you struggle with it, like I did, if you kind of want to roll your eyes and be like whatever. And also I don’t want to label people in my life. And also, I know that I’m not perfect, so I shouldn’t be judging other people, I get it, I get it, I understand all three of those perspectives. And I used to share the same sentiments.

But as someone who is growing up into a relational adults, part of that work is being able to see the difference between a safe person and an unsafe person. If you come from a family like mine, there was no talk of safety, there was just like safety by proximity. And so there are many people out there in the world who have this perspective that like, if you’re a family member, you’re obviously safe. If you’re a teacher or an adult, you’re obviously safe. If you’re a pastor, or if you’re a small group leader, or if you’re a person of notoriety within the community or within your faith community, then you’re obviously safe. And so we label people or we have perspectives of people or make assumptions about people in positions of power and authority as being safe just because of their position or title. And we also make those assumptions about people who have familial ties, or they share maybe genetics with us or they share a home with us.

We share Thanksgivings together. And so we just make these assumptions that people are safe. Many of you grew up around family members that you felt weird around, but your mom or your dad or your sister or whatever would just be like they’re fine. This your uncle that’s like, you know him, he’s just gonna be him. And but your your body just knew like, Oh, this is weird.

Okay. And so that’s what I’m talking about. So this episode is going to go into it today. And I just want to kind of give all of the content warnings like if this is not something that you can handle emotionally right now, please just move on to some other episode. You know, there’s 179 other episodes here. I really encourage you to take care of yourself and your needs as you’re listening to this and if you know that this isn’t the right Time for you. Just take care, okay, take care of you.

So, if you’re listening to this podcast and you’re realizing like, wow, there’s a lot of improvement to be made in the relationships in my life, I would love to invite you to join my ADHD coaching program for adults with ADHD. It’s called focused. It’s an incredible program where ADHD ears are on a self development journey, that prioritizes acceptance, and inclusion, and just a very loving way to understand ADHD and also take responsibility for ourselves, our actions, our relationships, our goals, and all of the things if you are someone who loves a balance between being self led in some areas, like being able to do things on your own time, and also having the support of an expert, or actually several experts within the community, I would highly, highly recommend that you come and join us in focused, not only do I coach and teach and focus but we have other experts that come in and coach and teach as well.

Ari Tuckman was just a guest teacher, he actually just taught a class yesterday on communicating in relationships. And, you know, you can access that if you decide to join today, you can access that class in our archives, I just really want you to know that there is a place of support for you, if that is something that you are looking for. And there is a place where you can get help with your relationships, if that is something that you’re looking for. So I would like to invite you to join us, you can go to my website, I have adhd.com, and learn all about it.

Okay, let’s circle back to the topic of today, which is the difference between a safe person and an unsafe person. And, again, I would just love to encourage you that if you are wanting to I roll right now, I just I get it. And I just ask you, like, hey, let’s just give this a chance. We’re going to just have an open mind. And we’re going to see where it takes us.

Okay. And if it’s just not a concept that’s for you right now, no problem. All right. One of the things that’s really empowered me in my relationships is being able to evaluate whether or not someone is safe for me to be around. And that took a lot of therapy and a lot of research and a lot of reading. And I went ahead and compiled the differences between a safe person and an unsafe person. And so that’s where we’re going to start today is we’re just going to kind of draw a line and say like, these are the characteristics that make up somebody who is relationally emotionally, mentally safe to be around. And these are the characteristics that make up someone who is relationally emotionally mentally unsafe for me to be around. We all have different limits.

But I do think that there are some pretty objective characteristics of people that are simply unsafe. Okay, I think where I want to start is just to quickly read through the characteristics of someone who is considered to be unsafe. Now, I compiled this from a bunch of different places, but I think the most concise article about this is one from Psychology Today. And so I’m just gonna make sure to link that in the show notes. So if you want to peruse that article, you can for sure, do that for yourself. But I’m going to list the characteristics of someone who is unsafe, and then we’ll talk about safe people after that. Okay. So quickly, here are the characteristics of someone who we can consider to be unsafe.

Unsafe, people don’t like to admit their weaknesses.

They are defensive.

They are self righteous, and they refuse to see their own negative qualities.

Unsafe people apologize without changing their behavior.

They blame others withhold forgiveness, and avoid facing their own issues.

An unsafe person will flatter you. But there’s a big difference between flattery and a compliment. They’ll flatter you they’ll only say good things to make sure that you keep liking them or doing what they want you to do.

An unsafe person will demand trust, they’ll act defensive and hurt if you don’t trust them.

An unsafe person will lie and they’ll see deception as an effective way to deal with problems. an unsafe person doesn’t grow. Instead, they blame others and respond defensively and refuse to change.

Okay, I think that as we process this list of characteristics of Unsafe people I can see See what’s happening in all of your brains? Okay, I’m taking a guess here, but you’re kind of like filing through all of the people that you know in your life and you’re like, dude, like, what about this person? What about this person? What about this person and I think that’s normal. And that’s fine.

Let’s, let’s now make a very big distinction between those unsafe characteristics, and a characteristic of somebody that would be considered to be safe.

So unsafe, people don’t like to admit their weaknesses. But safe people are willing to acknowledge when they’re wrong.

Unsafe people are defensive, but safe people are open to feedback and willing to take responsibility for their words and actions.

Unsafe people are self righteous, and they refuse to see their own negative qualities. But safe people are humble, and they can admit their flaws.

Unsafe people apologize without changing their behavior. But with a safe person, and apology is followed by real behavior modification.

Unsafe people blame others withhold forgiveness and avoid facing their issues. But safe people are willing to admit when they have a problem. And they take action to solve it.

Unsafe people flatter you, they only say good things to make sure you keep liking them or make sure that you keep doing what they want you to do. But safe people will actually share their concerns with you. They’ll call you out on your bull stuff, bull stuff like that. I don’t even know what that is. I think that was a combination of they’ll call you out on your stuff and they’ll call you out on your bull. stuff.

Okay, let’s move on. A safe person is going to tell you when something about you might need to be tweaked. Or you might want to look into a certain characteristic or flaw that you have

Unsafe people demand trust, and they act offensive or hurt when you don’t trust them, or if you if you question them. But safe people understand that trust must be earned. And they understand that trust is built slowly over time.

Unsafe people lie and they see deception as an effective way to deal with problems. Safe people admit their deceitful side, we all have one. And they work toward being more honest.

Unsafe, people don’t grow. I think this is a really important one, at least it was for me in my life. Unsafe, people don’t grow. Instead, they blame others, they respond defensively, and they refuse to change. Safe people try their best to learn and grow and improve themselves over time.

Okay, I can understand if this is a lot to take in. And like I said, I’ll link that article from Psychology Today so that you can have it in front of you to look through the first question that I think we must address is this. Are you a safe person in your relationship with yourself? You knew I was gonna go there, right? Like, we always need to start with the relationship that we have with ourselves, and we work from the inside out.

Okay, so in what ways? Are you safe with yourself? And I would really invite you to just be super specific with this and you want to pause, jot it down in your notes app on your phone, or write it down on a piece of paper like in what ways are you safe with you? And in what ways are you unsafe? And what can you do differently to show up as someone who is safe in the relationship that you have with yourself? So in what ways can you work toward acknowledging when you’re wrong being open to feedback from you, from you to you, being humble and admitting your flaws without judging yourself.

Modifying your behavior willing to admit when you have a problem and take action to solve that? In what ways can you do your best to learn and grow and improve yourself over time? And what action do you want to take to become more safe in your relationship with yourself? And then I think it’s really important for you to consider are you a safe person in your relationship with other people? When I was having this conversation and teaching this class the first time in my focused ADHD coaching program. There are a lot of members realizing like wow, I’m kind of an unsafe person.

This is really important. because it’s a beautiful thing, to recognize an area of weakness in yourself, and allow yourself to grow and change, it actually signifies that deep down in your core, you truly are a safe person. Of course, we all show up in relationships in unsafe ways sometimes, but truly safe people, when confronted with that will identify it, they’ll recognize it, they’ll say, oh, shoot, I can see how I have been unsafe in this relationship at work.

Or I can see how I’ve been unsafe with my partner over here. And truly safe people work to improve those areas. And so if you are feeling a feeling right now, because you’re feeling a little bit confronted with the idea of like, maybe I haven’t shown up as someone who is completely safe, I just want to offer you a soft place to land. And say, like, same. When I really began to do this work and understand what it meant to be a safe person, I realized that a lot of times, I didn’t show up as someone who was safe, especially with my kids, I was pretty defensive when they would bring concerns to me. And instead of being reflective and open, I would just have, I don’t know, a cavalier attitude, that was quite defensive, that is an example of being unsafe.

So I just want to acknowledge that if you are feeling a sharp pneus in your body and thinking like, dang, maybe I’m not a very safe person, I want to honor that realization. And I want to hold space for like, whatever emotion is coming up for you. And I want you to know that identifying that and working toward being more safe is a very noble goal. It’s a very beautiful thing, and it will improve all of your relationships.

Okay, now, I want to ask you, who are the safest people in your life. Remember, safe, people are willing to acknowledge when they’re wrong, open to feedback, humble and can admit their flaws, their apologies or file followed by real behavior modification, they’re willing to admit when they have a problem, they share their concerns with you, and they’re honest with you, they understand that trust must be earned, they admit their deceitful side and work toward being more honest, they try their best to learn and grow and improve themselves over time.

So I think that it would be really beneficial, really helpful, really healthy, for you to even if you want to make an actual list, like for you to make a list of people that are safe in your life. Who are the people that you interact with that you just feel at ease with? You can be yourself with your body feels super relaxed with who are those people? And who are the people in your life that are not safe? And I think it would be really helpful to you to make notes as to why why are these people unsafe? Why are you labeling them as unsafe? It does not mean that you call them up and you say, hey, person, the person I’m in relationship with, I just realized that you’re unsafe. And I just wanted to let you know you’re an unsafe person. And I’m no longer going to XYZ with you. That is not at all what I mean, this is an in terminal work that you are doing, you are waking up to the reality that there are different types of people in the world.

Now, some of you who are way more evolved than me are like, yeah, no da hierdie know this stuff, Kristen Carter. But for those of you who are less evolved, like myself, who were just kind of waking up to this and being like, Oh, my word, I never realized that there is actually a level of safety in relationships, and I get to determine how safe how good a relationship feels to me. And here’s an objective criteria that I can kind of like, go through and check off the boxes like yep, this person safe or like, No, this person is actually not safe.

It doesn’t mean we call them up and we end the relationship that is not at all what I’m saying. Okay, and we’ll get to what do we do with this Unsafe people in our lives, but I do want to, like, throw in here, because ADHD and impulsivity and like, I don’t want to call on people right now and being like you’re unsafe and unlike you, that’s probably not the The next step, okay, the first step here is, let’s just do the internal work of acknowledging that safety is a thing. Let’s do the internal work of being able to distinguish between someone who is safe and unsafe. Let’s do the internal work of determining whether or not we are showing up as safe people in our relationships. Let’s do the internal work of understanding whether or not we’re you’re safe in our relationship with ourselves. And then let’s do the internal work of kind of scanning through our relationships and identifying people as being safe or unsafe. And then we get to work out okay, what do I want to do with that if I have labeled someone as being unsafe?

What do I want to do about that? One of the things that I want to say here is that some of you all need new people. Some of you all are surrounded by unsafe, unkind people. And my theory is that one of the reasons why we ADHD ears do this is because we think so poorly of ourselves because of ADHD. Which is why as a coach for ADHD, here’s the foundation of my coaching program is self acceptance.

Okay, because self acceptance and the relationship that we have with ourselves is going to impact what we allow from other people. And if we don’t accept ourselves, then we will likely surround ourselves with people who also don’t accept us, ie people who are unsafe for us, okay. So if you are scanning your relationships, and you’re like, dang, most of these relationships are unsafe, or most of these people are unsafe people in my life, I just want to say, that’s a very common experience. And it can be a very painful experience to see, it can be a reality that we might not want to wake up to. Let me tell you something, let me tell you something from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss, sometimes it is just easier to not really see reality. Sometimes it’s easier to live in fantasy. And I know that I’m calling you to difficult work here. I know I’m calling you to a reality that might be very painful. But seeing the reality and being able to move through it and work through it, on the other side of that is so much health and relief and sustainable relationships that are mutually beneficial, and that serve both parties, where you can show up as a safe person and meet someone else’s needs. And they can show up as a safe person for you and meet your needs. And of course, there will be conflict and of course, it won’t be perfect.

And of course you will both take turns being unsafe at times, but you are willing to repair and make things right and move forward. I’m going to touch on boundaries for a second here in this last section of this podcast episode. But I do want to preface this portion of the episode on boundaries with a very exciting announcement, which is next week’s episode is going to be Nedra swab. Here with us on the podcast talking all about boundaries. She wrote the book set boundaries, find peace, a guide to reclaiming yourself. There’s also a workbook that goes along with it. She’s brilliant. If you don’t follow her on Instagram, you must go do that right. This second Her last name is spelled t a WW A B. She’s brilliant. She’s helped me so much in my own journey with the Unsafe people in my life.

And I want to really recommend that you prioritize listening to next week’s episode. But I am going to touch on boundaries here because I think talking about Unsafe people, it’s very important to kind of end the episode. Speaking on boundaries. The most important and effective thing that you can do when you’re in a relationship with someone that you kind of wake up to like oh, they’re actually not safe. When you identify that someone in your life is not a safe person. The best thing you can do is begin to set boundaries. Now, caveat here, boundaries are for all relationships.

They’re not just for unhealthy or toxic or Unsafe people okay, boundaries are for all relationships. We all have boundaries in our relationships. But I want you to understand that they’re especially important when it comes to Unsafe people, Nedra and I define boundaries a little bit differently, and you’re going to hear from her next week. But here’s how I like to define a boundary. A boundary is simply the property line between you and someone else. A boundary tells you where you end and someone else begins. A boundary isn’t a wall that keeps people out a boundary is just like a fence it is, you can see through it, it’s movable, you can move it from time to time, based on your own capacity and your own means it’s a fence that marks off your comfort level, your capacity, your preferences, your own autonomy, which is remember your independence from others, a boundary separates you as a whole grown as human, and marks off the territory that is yours to govern.

It says, This is mine here, I’m gonna take care of this. And that’s yours over there. And you can take care of that. Now, the more I learn about myself, my family of origin, just relationships in general, the more I understand how deficient I’ve been in the area of boundaries, and understanding boundaries, and even being able to define a boundary and knowing how to implement a boundary. And I’ve got to tell you that my life was riddled with Unsafe people. In every area of my life, it was full of Unsafe people. I didn’t know it, I felt it in my body, but I didn’t have language for it, if that makes sense.

And so waking up to the concept of safe versus Unsafe people and really assessing the relationship that I had was so helpful in me becoming someone who was willing to set boundaries. Boundaries are so beautiful. And listen to this. This is so important. Safe people accept and respect boundaries. Safe people don’t feel threatened by boundaries. Safe people might be inconvenienced by a boundary. They might like feel a twinge of like Oh, my goodness, I wish you would do this, or I wish you would take this for me, I wish you would, you know, say this thing or do this thing, right? But so they have their preferences, of course, but a safe person is going to accept and respect your boundaries. A clearly stated boundaries are just a necessary part of every relationship. And we all do it in all of our relationships. A lot of our boundaries are unspoken, but many of us have boundaries that we’ve stated. And that’s good. It’s a normal, healthy part of relationships, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone who is unsafe, or who expects more from you than you’re able to give peacefully.

Okay, so I’m going to borrow examples of boundaries from a couple different posts from Nedra to swabs Instagram, you can follow her at Nedra swab, and she also has a website, Nedra twap.com. And I’m going to give you a couple examples that she lists of how boundaries can sound. So boundaries with others can sound like I would like you to listen instead of offering solutions. Or, please don’t demand that I choose one way to feel I can feel more than one way. Or I need a few moments to myself. That’s a boundary that I sit with my family often, I will tell them when I’m getting overwhelmed, and when I need a minute to like calm my nervous system down. And I will remove myself from the situation. And I will say like, Hey, I need a timeout, I need to go, you know, have a couple moments for myself and kind of gather myself. That’s just a boundary that I set that helps me and it also protects my family from me being explosive.

Okay, so continuing with numerous examples, boundaries with others can sound like, it sounds like you don’t like my answer. I’m not gonna change it. Or I’m over extended, and I’m not able to help you at this time. boundaries can sound like, please stop trying to make me feel badly for wanting something different from you. Or, please don’t tell me what to do, I’d prefer that you supported me by listening. Or this is a personal matter. And I’d like to keep it private. So those are examples of boundaries, and I am curious, are there unsafe or even safe people in your life that you’d like to set some boundaries with boundaries can be very, very uncomfortable. And let me tell you, if you do decide to start setting some boundaries, you can expect to feel guilty.

Like you, you will feel guilt, but I want you to really understand that guilt is not an indicator that you are doing something wrong in the case of setting boundaries. Okay, we’re gonna go into a lot of detail regarding boundaries in next week’s episode with Nedra 12. But I want to encourage you to understand that when you identify somebody as being unsafe, the way to protect yourself and to create a safe environment for yourself is to set a boundary. And the boundary, remember is just the property line that says, hey, here’s what I’m comfortable with. And here’s what I’m not comfortable with.

Here’s what I’m willing to take on. And here’s what I’m not willing to take on. Here’s what I’m willing to do. Here’s what I’m not willing to do. It’s just a separation line between you and someone else.

In talking about the needs that we all have in relationships, and we did two episodes on that, what I want you to really understand is that boundaries, mark off your own autonomy. And many of you have grown up in dysfunctional environments where autonomy was not allowed. Autonomy was actually seen as a threat to your caregivers, a lot of times, when you decided to be a separate person, or a separate adult, or a separate human being with your own preferences, your own desires, your own things that you wanted to do.

Other people may have seen that as a threat. And I just want you to understand, that is a very dysfunctional pattern. And the boundaries are actually very healthy things and save people respect boundaries. Now, here is why this is very, very important. My plea to you, is to evolve into someone who is safe with yourself, to evolve into someone who is safe in your relationships with other people, meaning you show up as someone who is safe, you show up as someone who’s willing to acknowledge when you’re wrong, open to feedback, and willing to take responsibility for your words and actions, humble and able to admit your flaws. You change your behavior. When you apologize, you don’t just apologize. But you also change your behavior. You’re willing to admit when you have a problem and you take action to solve it. You are willing to be honest with people about who they are and about how you experience them. You understand that trust must be earned, you don’t demand it, you don’t expect it, you understand that it’s built over time, you admit your deceitful side, and you work toward being more honest, and you try your best to learn and grow and improve yourself over time. You show up that way in relationships, and then you expect other people to show up that way with you as well. There is an objective, baseline relational safety that we all deserve.

And some of you are surrounded by very unsafe people who don’t like to admit their weaknesses who are defensive, constantly defensive, who are self righteous, they refuse to see their negative qualities. They don’t change the behavior when they apologize, they blame others, they withhold forgiveness, they avoid facing their issues. They only say good things to you to control you and to get you to do what they want you to do. They demand trust, they lie and they deceive and they see it as like, oh, that’s totally fine, and they don’t grow. Instead, they blame others and respond defensively and refuse to change. Some of you are surrounded by people like this. And what I want you to know is that you don’t have to be you are a grown person who does not have to be surrounded by an safe people. Again, we’re talking mentally, emotionally unsafe, I’m not talking physical safety. If you know this is a big struggle with you please find a trauma informed therapist who can really walk you through what it’s like to create internal safety with yourself, and then safety and your relationships with other people. But I do have to say that some of you are just going to need some new people. Which is really hard and really sad. But some of you are just going to need some new people in your lives. Just because someone is a family member does not make them safe. Just because someone is a person of authority in your religious organization does not make them safe.

Just because someone is a leader in your community or in some sort of community, you know, group that you’re involved in. It does not make them safe. Too many of us have been programmed or even groomed to think that the people in our lives are safe just because of the position that they hold or the proximity that they have to us in relationships such as a parent or a to an uncle or a cousin or whatever, just because someone has family does not make them safe. Now you get to assess whether someone is safe in their relationship with you. And then you get to decide, okay, I notice, for example, that my grandmother is an unsafe person. She’s relationally unsafe with me. All right? What do I want to make that mean? And how do I want to proceed? Again, I am not suggesting that you call up the Unsafe people, and you label them unsafe to their faces, they’re not going to understand what that means. And by the virtue of being unsafe in the first place, they’re not going to receive any of the feedback, they’re just not going to receive it. And so with this, this is an internal job. Okay, this is just a reminder that this is an internal job, this is work for you to do on the inside of you, figuring out who was safe in my life, let me invest in those relationships, who was unsafe in my life? Okay, how do I want to proceed? What boundaries might I want to put in place with these Unsafe people?

Sometimes boundaries don’t work. Because oftentimes, unsafe, people do not respect or acknowledge boundaries, they will push and push and push and push. And that’s when you might choose to put up a wall. You might, you might say, You know what boundaries don’t work with this person, they need a wall. And so a wall might look like I blocked them from my phone, or a wall might look like, I don’t go to any family engagement where I know this person will be or a wall might look like, I’m no longer engaging in this madness. This relationship is over. Okay, so those are walls, not boundaries. A boundary sounds like hey, I don’t love it when you stop by my house without calling me first. Can you please call me first and wait for my response before you stop by? That’s a boundary that saying, This is my preference. Here’s how I’d like for us to interact together.

And a safe person will say, Oh my gosh, no problem. Or a safe person might have a yucky reaction at first. Well, you don’t like me? Don’t you love me, but they will always come back to No problem. I will honor this boundary for you. A safe person is always going to default to respect and kindness. And an unsafe person is always going to default to defensiveness and an unwillingness to acknowledge their own flaws. This was deep. This is a big episode, I knew it would be pretty heavy. And I am hoping and praying that it lands with you in a way that you’re able to really take away some very important nuggets and apply them to your own relationships so that you can proceed with being someone who is continually making their relationships healthy, and safe, and fun and good. If you have access to therapy, if that’s something that is available to you, I highly recommend that if you’re struggling with this concept, you employ a trauma informed therapist to help you navigate safety in your relationships. And if you’d like to take this work deeper with me, you can join my coaching program focused you can go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused To learn more, I would love to welcome you in I would love to take you by the hand and help you improve every single relationship in your life. That’s it for this week. I can’t wait to chat with you again.

I’ll see you next time. Bye. Hate ADHD or I see you I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created Focus. Focus is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study be coached grow and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more