Podcast Episode #33: Saying No

This episode is sponsored by CURE Hydration. All right, I’m going to be real with you. Drinking water is boring. My ADHD brain is like, wait, we have to do this again? Like every day, multiple times. What in the world? And because I’m running from meetings to coaching calls to kid chaos, staying hydrated is not something I’m naturally good at. It’s not something I naturally think about. That’s why I’ve been obsessed with Cure hydration packs lately. CURE is a plant based hydrating electrolyte mix with no added sugar, only 25 calories, and it actually tastes good. The watermelon and berry pomegranate have been on repeat for me. I’m actually like really running low on those flavors, which is so sad. They’re refreshing without being too sweet or artificial. It feels like my water finally has a little bit of personality, which I enjoy. I really do. What I love most is that CURE uses a science backed formula that hydrates as effectively as an IV drip. So when I’m scrambling through my day forgetting my water again, CURE helps me to catch up fast. I throw a few packs in my bag and it makes drinking enough water simple. Which for my ADHD brain is basically a miracle. So staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love cure. It’s clean, tastes great, and it actually works. And bonus, CURE is FSA HSA approved so you can use those funds to stay hydrated. The smart way for I have ADHD Podcast listeners. You can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com ihaveadhd with the code ihaveadhd and if you get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about CURE right here on the podcast. It really does help to support the show. Don’t just drink more water. Also Upgrade it with Cure. Save over $200 when you book weekly stays with VRBO this winter. If you haven’t seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin, take a week long vacation and save over $200. Book now@Verbo.com. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristin Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your Potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up my people? You are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 33. I am your host, Kristin Carter. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, I am freezing and I am ready to roll. Listen, it’s November in Pennsylvania. That means that it is cold, cold, cold. I, I am wrapped in blankets in my family room. The heat is on high down here. We close the doors and kind of make this like a little nest. And really I’m just hanging out here all day. Some coaching calls, some Instagram stuff, some podcast recording. I am living the dream. Hey, speaking of dreams, I am dreaming up so something absolutely amazing and I’m in the midst of working on it and I want you to know that it is for you. I’m so thrilled. I’m so excited. I am so pumped up. So I want to let you know, you know, I have been coaching. It’s been amazing. I love my clients. They’ve been getting incredible results. I’m so excited for them. There is nothing more, more dopamine inducing than watching someone’s life change and watching someone gain clarity and become the person that they’ve always wanted to become. It is so freaking fun. I love it so much. So I currently have 14 coaching clients. I just had a round of consultations last week and welcomed in five new clients. So that’s been really fun. But I still have a waiting list and I know that there are a lot of people, and maybe that’s you out there, who need help, who are really looking for some direction and help. And so I am working on a side project I am creating. I am spending hours at my computer thinking about you and what you need and what would help you to get the transformation in your own life as well. So I just want to say that something awesome is coming. Something so awesome is coming. So if you get emails from me, great. You’re going to be in the know. You’re going to be the first to know. If you don’t get emails from me, go get on my email list. You can go to ihaveadhd.com, opt in for any of the opt ins. That’ll throw you right on the email list and that way you will have all of the info because I’m telling you things are about to go down and it’s going to be amazing. I cannot wait. So I wanted to talk today about saying no. And I think that this topic is so relevant just to humans in general, to all of us. But especially, especially to those of us with adhd. Unfortunately, when you have adhd, you are quite impulsive. You do not have the natural ability to stop, reflect, and think before you make decisions. Now, of course, that ability can be developed, but it doesn’t come naturally to us. And so many of us walk around with our lives happening to us instead of being in the driver’s seat, instead of making decisions intentionally, instead of really knowing what is vital and essential and what is not, we kind of bounce around from thing to thing, helping out whoever asks for help, saying yes to all of the requests that are made from us, and really just not living purposefully and deliberately. So I started reading a book called essentialism by Greg McGowan, and it’s an awesome book. I plan to do an entire podcast on the idea, the concept, the practice of essentialism. But one of the things that we’re just going to talk about here today is the art of the graceful no. And he has a whole chapter dedicated to saying no. And I think that this is just absolutely brilliant because so many humans struggle to say no, myself included. And there are many reasons why we struggle to say no. Some of us don’t have a clear vision for what we want our lives to look like. And because of that, we don’t really have any guardrails or we don’t really have any boundaries or direction. We’re just kind of floating from thing to thing. And so anything that sounds like fun, anything that sounds interesting or dopamine inducing, anything that sounds like something that we, quote, unquote, should do, we go for it. Because we don’t have the guardrails, the boundaries of a clear vision. Okay? So that’s one of the reasons why we say yes to a lot of things. Another reason is we just don’t take the time to stop and think about it. And that’s really hard because with adhd, we’re so impulsive, and we really, really, really, really, really have to train ourselves to have that stop and think moment. That is something that can be trained. I want to say it again. That is something that can be trained. It can be practiced, and you can develop that skill. But it for sure doesn’t come easy, and it for sure doesn’t come without some hard work. Another reason why we say yes a lot, we struggle with saying no is that we’re uncomfortable with the discomfort we might cause someone else. So we have this view that if we say no, then it’s going to cause someone else harm. If we say no, then it’s going to make it more difficult for someone else. If we say no, then they might be mad at us, they might be disappointed, they might have negative feeling toward us. So a lot of times we say yes because we want to manipulate someone’s opinion of us. We want to make sure that we are in good standing with everyone in the whole world, and we would never want someone to feel negatively about us. And so we say yes even when we don’t want to, even when the real answer is no, I don’t want to, or no, I really don’t have time, or no, I can’t. We say yes because we don’t want to endure someone else’s discomfort that is so powerful because that aversion to someone else’s feeling causes us to make decisions that are not the best decisions for our lives. So I really want you to sit with that for a minute and think about how you’ve said yes to things that you really haven’t wanted to say yes to. You’ve continued to do things that you really do not feel are in line with your vision and your values for your life. You’ve been more concerned with someone else’s discomfort than with your own truth and discomfort. So the reason why I know that this is true for you is because it’s true for me. And humans really are not all that different from each other. We like to, you know, social media and politics and all this. We like to pretend that we’re really, really different from each other, but we’re really all very much the same. We are all very much the same. So yesterday I had an amazing experience. Experience with a no. And I wanted to share it with you. So about six months ago, I joined a group that I thought was going to be a great decision for my life. And I invested money in it and I invested time in it and I invested energy in it. And it really was a lot of fun. I really respect the people in it. I had a great time while I was there. But in the last couple weeks, I have really come to the realization that it’s just not a great fit for me as far as getting a return on my investment. I’m just not getting out of it what I think I should be getting out of it compared to the time that I’m investing in it. So it’s a weekly meeting. It’s three hours in the middle of the day every Wednesday. And that’s a lot, right? Like to think about giving up a huge chunk of your day, whether you are like, whether you stay at home or you work out of the house. Like, either way, three hours on a Wednesday at lunchtime. It’s a commitment. And at the time that I made the decision to join, I was totally willing to give up those three hours. But some things have changed, and I started taking stock of my time and really trying to be purposeful, even more purposeful in focusing my time and energy on the things that are going to create the most value. And this just did not fit the bill. So for a couple weeks, I’ve been feeling like I really want to stop going. I really want to get out of this. And what’s so fascinating is that my brain went into major drama about it. So first I started thinking, you know, I am closely connected to one of the leaders, actually the president of the group. I want her to like me, and I feel like I would be letting her down if I were to leave. So my brain went into, like, drama, drama, drama about that. She’s going to be mad at me. She’s going to think that I am flaky, that I’m not following through on my responsibilities. She’s going to be upset. I just went into a lot of drama about that. Another thing is that I. Because I go all in on things, and I really did have a great time, and I love the group. I brought someone else into the group. So I encouraged someone else to invest hundreds of dollars and join the group that was plaguing me and really stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. So I felt this responsibility to the other person. Like, what are they going to think? How is this going to affect them? They’re going to be mad at me. They’re going to be disappointed. They’re going to think again. This goes back to being flaky, which I think is like this leftover thing from high school where I got this reputation of being someone who backed out of commitments and was flaky. And I think I’m carrying around some drama about that still. I’m sure you can’t relate to that at all, right? So I really want people to respect me, and I don’t want them to think that I am someone who goes back on my word or my responsibilities. And for some reason, I was making this group that I paid to join and invest in. I was making it, like, a big responsibility. And my husband has been trying to, like, talk me down off of the ledge, so to speak, regarding this group. He has been saying, like, if you don’t feel like this is the best use of your time, you just need to Leave. Like, there’s really no drama about it. Just leave. Like you get to make your choice. Just leave. And for some reason, my brain just would not accept that. I was so concerned with what other people would think. And even though I really wanted to leave, I really wanted to, quote, unquote, get out of it and have that three hours a week, 12 hours a month back. I just could not get to that place until yesterday morning. So the group meets on Wednesdays. It was Wednesday morning. And I’m just like, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go, but I feel like I have to. And I started to think about how I coach my clients. A huge part of my coaching is empowering people to say what they really want. It’s empowering people to say no to the things that are taking them away from their vision and their values and their goals. And yet I was having such a. A hard time doing that for myself. And when I really saw that, when I was able to get into the place of the watcher of my brain, the watcher of my thoughts, I was like, wow, we are all the same. And this is just like me being exactly the same as every other human that I interact with. I. I don’t want to say no. I don’t want to say that I’m done with this group because I want people to like me. I am uncomfortable with the thought that someone else might have a negative emotion about me. And that is keeping me from being honest. It’s keeping me from doing what I feel like is the right thing to do. And once I really, really saw that, I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to say no. And I sat with that for a while and I coached myself on that for a while. Coaches are so amazing and important. If you have a coach that will help you to really observe your thoughts. If you have a coach who’s going to hold up a mirror to what you’re thinking and, and show you how it’s creating your result that is so valuable. I have two of those. Unfortunately, neither of them were available at 8:30 on a Wednesday. Right. Like, it wasn’t our scheduled time to be together. So it was like I need to coach myself. And that was so helpful. I knew that I needed to say no and that I needed to endure the discomfort of knowing that other people might be upset, disappointed, even maybe a little mad. And so I got to the place where I coached myself into knowing that even though it felt terrible, like it wasn’t going to feel good, but it was still the right thing to do. And so I did call and I told the president of the group, who I love so much and I respect and I really want her to like me. I told her that I loved the group, which was true. And I was happy I joined, which was true. But it was just no longer the right fit for me, which was true. It was no longer an investment that had a big enough return for me to keep investing in it. And that was the truth. I think a lot of times we invest so much time into an activity or even a relationship that we don’t want to end it. We don’t want to say no because of all of the time that we’ve sunk into it. Do you remember our friend Laura Brooke when she came on either episode 17 or 18 and talked about sunk cost value? That’s exactly what I was experiencing with this group. I’d invested hundreds of dollars. I had invested, I don’t know, maybe 100 hours of my time and a lot of energy. And if I were to say, you know what? This isn’t the right fit, it would kind of be like a failure. Like, I could for sure frame it that way. And that’s hard. That’s really hard for us to, like, come to grips with. Like, if I give this thing up, it’s admitting that it didn’t amount to what I thought it would. And that can be painful. But what we do instead of enduring that pain is we just keep investing our time, our money, our effort into something that’s not pushing us toward our value, our vision, our goals. So what was so lovely about the conversation that I had was it was hard. I did not enjoy it. I literally read off of a script because I was so nervous to have the conversation that I wrote down notes and I said things that were just hard to say. But she was absolutely understanding. She was so respectful. She was so kind. And, you know, she shared a lot of the same thoughts, which was really just lovely to hear. But here’s the thing. Even if she had been rude, mean, demeaning, disappointed, angry, it still would have been the right choice. It still would have been the right choice, even if she was mad about it. That’s something that I think is very important for us to grapple with, that other people’s opinions of our choices do not make our choices right or wrong. Other people’s reaction to our no does not make our no something that’s wrong. So somebody might ask you for your help and you might love this person and want to help them, but. But you for sure do not have the time or space or energy or whatever to do it at their request. And so you might need to say no even if they get mad at you. And if they get mad at you, that doesn’t mean that your no was wrong. They are so 100% allowed to get mad. Of course people feel disappointed or a negative emotion of some sort when we say no because they’re having all sorts of thoughts about it, right? So we say no, and their thoughts are like, I really need the help. Who’s going to do this for me? Don’t you love me? I mean, they could even make it like, you’re not there for me. I mean, they can make it mean whatever they want to make it mean. But when you are coming from a place of truth and authenticity and you are saying no because you know that it really, truly is the best decision, other people’s reactions, while they might make us uncomfortable, should not influence us to then say, oh, okay, sure, yeah, okay, fine, I’ll just do it. I’ll make it work. You know, people are really happy with us when we say yes, right? They come to us with a request and we’re like, yes, I can do that for you. I’m happy to say yes. And they get really excited. And then what happens is we get a dopamine hit because it feels good when someone else is happy. When someone else feels like we are their savior, when someone else is relying on us, that feels good. But the problem is, if it wasn’t a no that was sincere and from a place of like, you actually have the time, space, and energy to give, then we very soon start resenting our yes. We very soon start resenting the other person for even asking us when really they have nothing to do with how we’re feeling. We probably just shouldn’t have said yes, right? But we weren’t able to tolerate the discomfort of like, oh, saying no feels so awkward and I don’t know what to do. So, okay, sure, I’ll say yes, and then the other person is happy and then we get the dopamine hit. But then in reality, when we say yes to something, we are inevitably saying no to something else. We only have so much time, so much space, so much energy. So our yeses also equal no’s. So a yes to someone else means a no for us. If I say yes to you, and I will help you with this, that means I have to say no to myself, even if it means I Say no to my. Like Netflix and chill time at 9 o’ clock at night. Like, there. There has to be some give, even if it means I say no to my Saturday being completely wide open for me to relax. Something always has to give. And here’s the deal. Of course we want to be kind, helpful humans. I am definitely not saying that you should never help anyone, that you should never give of your time and effort and energy. But what I think often happens is that we give from a place of deficiency. We are already feeling depleted. We are already feeling like there’s no time. We are already feeling overworked or busy or emotionally drained. And then we say yes. From a place of deficiency, we say yes just to please people, not because we have the capacity to give. So obviously, it would be so perfect if we could determine immediately what we should say yes to and what we should say no to. But in the moment, it’s really difficult to do that. And that’s okay. Sometimes we’re going to say yes, and then we’re going to wish that we didn’t. Sometimes we’re going to say no, and we’re going to think, oh, gosh, like, I really could have helped. Whoops. But the work here, I think, is to get to the bottom of why am I saying yes? Am I doing things that I feel are helping me to move forward toward my vision, my values, and my goals? If you were to take stock of your life right now, how much are you doing to push yourself toward your vision, your value and your goals? And how much are you doing? That’s just like, stuff for other people, for other people’s vision, for other people’s values, for other people’s goals? Really think about that. When someone asks you to do something, do you have the time and space and energy and capacity to really give from a place of abundance so that you’re not resenting the person, so that you’re not making it mean that they were horrible for asking you, which they totally are not horrible for asking. Right? What’s horrible is when we say yes to something that we don’t actually want to do. That’s what’s horrible. And then we get mad at the person for even asking, when really, that’s not fair. Right? Because it’s not their fault we said yes. It’s our fault. It’s so hard. And then really being able to tolerate the discomfort that someone else might not be happy with us. If we are living truthfully and authentically in the world, there is no way that everyone can be happy with us all the time. So if everyone is happy with you all the time, I want you to question your authenticity. I want you to question whether or not you’re being real, whether or not you’re being truthful. Showing up as an authentic, real, truthful human means saying no to the things that are not meant for us. So this group, while I thought it was a great idea, it turns out it just wasn’t meant for me. And once I realized that I was a part of it to make other people happy and I was more willing to tolerate my own discomfort and my own depletion of energy and time, I was willing to tolerate that more than I was willing to tolerate the idea that someone might be upset with me. It really put things in perspective. I really realized how people pleasing I was being. I really did not want to say no and risk them not liking me, risk them thinking a certain way about me. Here’s the thing. We often want to manipulate people’s opinions of us. And one way that we do that is that we say yes to things that we actually don’t want to say yes to. So yesterday, after I had called the president of the group and we had this conversation, it took 13 minutes and 27 seconds exactly. I don’t know why I looked at my phone when we were done, but I was like, okay, 13 minutes and 27 seconds, and I survived. I actually still felt terrible afterwards. My brain was totally spinning out. I was really scared that she maybe was like, lying to me and telling me what I wanted to hear. And I was thinking I was just having all of these, like, thoughts. And so I decided to just go for a walk. I needed to, like, get away from the situation and get away from my brain. So I bundled up. I think it was like 30 degrees at the most. Yesterday at like 10am When I went out for a walk and I went for a walk and just really just, like, walked it off. I just walked it off. And it was so good to, like, reset my brain. So if you know that you have to do a hard thing and you do it and you still don’t feel good afterwards, that’s okay. Nothing’s gone wrong. It’s normal. And separating from that experience, getting out of the room, going for a walk, sometimes, that’s a good reset. And for me, it really was. I want to encourage you to learn the art of the graceful. No. We are so much more effective when we say no to the things that don’t help us reach our vision and our goals. Even the goal of, like, Being a well rounded human who has some time to rest, that is a good goal. And sometimes we say yes to things and we take away our rest time, we take away our recharge time and we give it to someone else to help them with their vision and their values and their goals. Now, I just want to encourage you that you do not necessarily have to do that. Well, no, you definitely don’t have to do that. You get to decide if you want to. You get to decide if you want to. The first thing I want to say is, for sure, stop and think. When anyone asks you to do something, it needs to be like an alarm bell going off in your mind where you’re like, let me take a moment to pause and think. Do not say yes right away. Let there be an awkward pause. Awkward pauses are amazing. They’re hysterical. Enjoy it, okay? Enjoy the awkward pause, take a stop and think moment. And you can even say out loud. You know, usually I say yes impulsively, but I’m really trying to think things through, so just give me a minute. That is totally fine. I do that a lot where I externalize my ADHD in that way and I say, oh, I need to stop and think. Hold on. Because we don’t have that internal dialogue that helps us to have these conversations in our head while conversations are going around outside of us. Right. We need a moment to stop and think. Another amazing thing to say while you’re thinking is, I should really check my calendar and get back to you. Do not say yes in the moment. You should never say yes to anything in the moment. You should say, let me think about it. I’ll get back to you. I would love to help you. I really want to be there for you. Let me see if I can make it happen. And then don’t forget, when you’re looking at your calendar, don’t forget that you also need time to sleep and eat and recharge. I highly recommend the book Essentialism if you’re a reader or you like to listen to books on Audible or something like that. It is such a good, helpful book. And one of the things that he says is that half of our troubles are from saying yes too quickly. Half of the trouble in our lives could be eliminated if we would just take time and say no instead of yes. Learn the art of the slow yes and the quick no. Make sure that you begin to process and think through what’s important to you, what your values are, what your vision is, so that you have some guardrails, so that you have some Insight into, like, why would you say yes or why would you say no? Those boundaries are really important. It is so amazing to me that I am still working on people pleasing. You know when you, like, really work on something and you think you’re past it, you’re like, oh, yeah, Like, I’m just. I’m past that. But like, no, I’m not. I’m totally not. I am still human and working on all the same things, just at deeper and different levels. It’s really fascinating. I absolutely love watching myself grow, and I hope you feel the same way, too. And listen, part of why I’m so excited to introduce you to my new project is that my passion is is to teach ADHDers how to think and feel on purpose. I believe this is the secret to creating the life that we want to live. And I am so in it to win it. I cannot wait to share with you what’s coming. Make sure you get on my email list, people go to ihaveadhd.com opt in for one of the freebies. I’m sure somewhere on there is just like an also an email opt in. Or if you just want to email me kristinhaveadhd.com and say, Hey, I want to join your email list. That would be awesome, too, because I could throw you on there too. It’s like, violent. I will not throw you, I promise. But I’ll just place your email address on my list. I want to be a leader of the ADHD community who is encouraging you to use your mind to its fullest capacity. And I think a lot of times we just feel like we can’t be intentional or purposeful because we have adhd, and that’s just not true. We just need some support, some treatment, and some major help in the area of learning to think. So I cannot wait to share with you what’s coming. I hope you guys have an awesome week. Go out there and say no. Say no 10 times this week and let me know how it goes. It’s so fun. All right, I’ll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.