Podcast Episode #8: 5 Tips to Setting and Achieving Goals

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About This Episode

No idea how to set or achieve goals? I feel ya! Here are 5 practical tips you can apply today to get started on crushing those goals!

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to the I Have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carder and I have ADHD.

Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor, and challenges of adulting, relationships, working, and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from “point a to point b.”

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the, the ADHD podcast. Episode number eight! I’m super pumped to be with you today, except for the fact that I just recorded an entire podcast and then deleted it because I was really boring and I’m not really used to being boring. So as I was listening to it, I was like, [00:01:00] oh, who is this person? And I was totally judging myself. Um, it was a really boring podcast and I’m just not about that life. You know what I’m saying? Like, I have ADHD, you have ADHD. Ain’t nobody got time to be boring. So we are just going to do a do-over, even though I’m supposedly for work in one hour.

I totally have time to record, edit and publish a podcast and get ready for work. Right. Obviously my sense of time is fantastic. So there should be absolutely no issues here. Okay. So I want to start off by reading a really sweet and heartfelt message from somebody who reached out to me on Instagram. Now, if we haven’t connected on Instagram, I would love to be your friend.

Uh, you can look me up at, I have ADHD podcast and please, please, please feel free to reach out to me. I love connecting on Instagram. So [00:02:00] this really sweet woman wrote and she said, hi, there. I recently discovered your podcast and it really touched me. I wanted to thank you for creating it, and I hope you get the recognition you deserve.

I am 21. I have ADHD and I’m struggling to set goals for myself and actually know what it is that I truly want. I have all these ideas in my head, but procrastinate and never apply myself to them all my life. I’ve been told that I’m creative and have so much potential, but I never applied them. It’s so difficult and frustrating for me because I want to accomplish something, anything in this lifetime.

I guess the reason I’m reaching out to you is to find ways to actually set goals for myself and act on them. So that one I’m happier in my own life self. And that to my relationship with my boyfriend becomes what it used to be. How do you achieve goals or even make them, and how do you maintain that confidence and drive to do so?

Oh, [00:03:00] my word, who can relate to this haven’t we all felt at one time or another that we just are not measuring up to our true potential. I think that is one of the most identifying characters of someone with ADHD. It is so, so difficult in his amazing book, taking charge of adult ADHD, Dr. Russell Barker. Is just, I mean, he’s amazing.

And he talks all about what it means to have ADHD, the treatment options for ADHD, and then also how to manage life with ADHD. I highly recommend that you just shut this podcast off and go get his book, read it, apply everything to your life, and you will, you will achieve everything that you want to. I promise.

Okay. But if you don’t feel like shutting this podcast off, I am going to give you five steps [00:04:00] for achieving your goals. Now, these are tried and true. I’ve used them in my own life. I consider myself to be a very high functioning ADHD, or not that I don’t struggle on a daily. I do, but I’m awful also. Well, I can’t speak, but that’s okay.

I’m also a successful company owner. I’m a mother of three. I have a hobby of singing that I get to do regularly. So there are things in my life. Dreams that I have been able to work out, but that was not always the case when I was in high school and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

It was nearly impossible for me to visualize what the future would be like. I spent zero. Time, imagining the future. I spent zero time trying to think through what I wanted to do. I really could have used an ADHD coach or a therapist. I wish I had one. Unfortunately at the time I didn’t even have a diagnosis.

So an ADHD coach or a therapist was the [00:05:00] last thing on my parents’ mind. Right. So they kept asking me, where do you want to go to college? What do you want to do with your life? And I did not know. I had no idea what to tell them. Um, I was happy. Cool. I didn’t really think about the future. And so to try to imagine the next step was really difficult.

I was a smart girl that was considered lazy and unmotivated, and, you know, I had the potential to go to a good school, but really not the drive. It’s really hard to have motivation and drive when you don’t have clear. Goals. So I ended up going to school for vocal performance, and that is a really interesting college, uh, journey choice, but that’s what I chose.

So I spent, um, five years getting a dual degree and, um, You know, even during that college period, I did not visualize the next step. What’s going to happen after college. What career do I want to have? I didn’t know. [00:06:00] Um, and my parents were kind of like, okay, well singing’s not really a marketable trade, so what’s your plan.

I didn’t know how to answer them. I didn’t know what to do again. I could have been. A therapist or a coach or a mentor to come alongside me and be like, girlfriend, you’re sweet. You’re cute. You’re smart. But you don’t have a pathway. You don’t have, um, you know, steps lined out to achieve a goal. Now I was trained classically in college.

So when I graduated from college, really, the only pathway for me was to, uh, audition for roles. And that was really strange, like for opera and. I only went on a couple of auditions and it was very, very quickly that I realized I don’t want to do this. And so looking back, I spent five years and tons of money on a degree that I didn’t even have a visualization and an end goal for, [00:07:00] I did not want to be an opera singer.

Um, and so that could definitely be considered. A partial failure in my life. I don’t allow myself to think of it that way, but if you want it to, you definitely could. And it all stemmed from the fact that I did not have the ability to visualize and dream. Figure out where I wanted to go in a realistic manner.

I ended up teaching voice and piano lessons and, um, you know, I started my own business and because that’s really what I’m meant to do. Uh, I know that now, but I didn’t know it at the time. So I started my own business, teaching students out of my home. I had 24 students at one time. Um, and that’s a lot and it was great.

It was wonderful. Um, you know, once I was in it and doing it, I realized, okay, this is rewarding sometimes, [00:08:00] but there’s only so many times you can hear a seven-year-old play. Mary had a little lamb that, you know, before you lose your mind. And so that only lasted about six years that I was able to maintain that business because it just was not rewarding enough.

Okay. So that’s another. Piece of my story where you could look back and say, well, that didn’t really work out well, that’s not true. I just decided to pivot because I realized that that was not what I was meant to do. And in the last five years, I’ve really been able to develop a vision for my life. Now, if you have.

Listened to the episode on living with a vision. I highly highly recommend it. It was a very soulful episode from the bottom of my heart. And, um, I think it would be really helpful to you if you feel like you’re floundering, but really now, Um, I’ve really developed the skill of looking into the future [00:09:00] and figuring out what I want and then working back from there and creating a pathway for myself.

So I want to help you with that. And so here is tip number one. The first thing you need to do is identify your goals. Now, if I had done this in high school, or if I had done this in college, it would have saved me a lot of time and effort and money. It may seem obvious, but it is not those of us with ADHD often walk around with a fuzzy vision of the future.

It’s really, really important that as you learn about ADHD, you understand that your ability to have a clear vision for the future is very deficient. And that just is what it is. So make sure you spend some time visualizing what you want the future to look like. You may want to employ the help of an adult ADHD coach or a therapist, or a [00:10:00] trusted mentor or friend who can help you think through.

So to my Instagram friend who just sent me this message, the number one thing I would say to you is spend days or weeks or months trying to figure out what you want your future to look like. What do you want the picture of your future to look like? If you could cut your future, um, you know, pictures out of a magazine and paste it onto a board, what pictures would you cut out and put onto that board?

What do you mean. Your future to be number two, you need to then assess these goals. Are they reasonable? Are they specific? Are they attainable? So we can have dreams and goals. But often what we do as ADHD years is we make these a lofty goals such as I’m going to record a podcast episode and get ready for work in the next hour.

But let’s not mention that. So we [00:11:00] make these lofty goals and then we don’t actually take any steps to pursue them because they’re just too big. So for example, I have a dream to make a million dollars in my local business here in Pennsylvania. I’ve always wanted to make a million dollars in my local business here in Pennsylvania.

But when you say make a million dollars, that’s like that’s. Not even a real number. Do you know what I’m saying? It’s like, that’s not attainable. That’s never going to happen. Why should I even bother? So my real goal is not to make a million dollars because it’s just not realistic based on our gross sales from last year.

$250,000 is a really good goal for 2019. And so that is my goal. It’s not a million dollars, but it is a quarter of a million dollars. So that’s kind of fun to say, and that’s what I’m strategically working toward. I want my business to thrive. I want it to grow and I want to be able to support my family with it.

That means that we need to make good money, a [00:12:00] million dollars would be awesome. And I can sit here and dream about what that would feel like. But realistically speaking, I’m not going to be strategic about trying to make a million dollars because it is so far away from me that there’s no way I can even pursue that.

However, $250,000 I think is really, really doable for us this year. And so that is what I’m working on. Does that make sense? So maybe your dream is to lose a hundred pounds. You wish that you were a hundred pounds lighter and you sit around and you think about what it would be like to be a hundred pounds lighter.

But honestly, is that attainable in 2019? I mean, I’m no health coach, but I don’t think it is right. So maybe your goal for this year is to lose 30 pounds, which would be amazing and an attainable goal, for sure. Maybe your dream is to be a famous. But you can’t become a famous author until you finish that book that you’re writing.

So your goal is to finish your book, right? [00:13:00] Maybe you dream of getting a promotion at work, but that’s pretty general. It’s pretty broad. So make it more specific. You could set a goal to finish the next three projects. Thoroughly and on time, do you see how that goal directly impacts the bigger dream? So it’s really, really important that we assess our goals and we modify them if need be again, this is a great exercise to do with a coach or a therapist or a mentor or a friend.

The third thing, once you have. Um, set your goals. You’ve envisioned the future. You know what you want out of the future. Then you have assessed the goals to make sure that they are realistic. You can manage them in the next year. The next thing is to write them down and put them somewhere visible. I cannot stress.

How crucial this step is goals that are well, [00:14:00] intentioned are easily forgotten because we are controlled by the now you and I, we have ADHD. This is a neuro developmental disorder that affects the way that we interact with stimulus around us. Anything. That comes into our line of vision is immediately seen as important.

Any notification that pops up our phone is immediately seen as important. A typical brain does not do this, which is totally unfair. A typical brain is able to assess whether or not something is important and. The unimportant thing aside so that they can stay focused on their goal. The ADHD brain does not do that.

And so we have to put our goals in front of us. We have very, very poor working memory. This means that we forget things so easily, even things that we want to do so badly. This is why a lot of us end up living the same life. Year after year after year after year, without making any improvements, because we [00:15:00] have the inability to assess what’s going on and remember what our goals are.

So write your goals down. I’ve even seen people write out a vision board with their goals and they include pictures so that they can visualize what they want to do. And this is what I would highly recommend for my friend on Instagram. Once you’ve figured out what you want, write it out on a vision board, cut pictures out so you can visualize it.

Imagine yourself in those pictures and every day, maybe every hour of every day, you’re aligning yourself on that vision board. It’s like creating a Pinterest board for your. What do you want out of your life? And before you make any decision, you go to that Pinterest board and you say, okay, where are my pins?

What do I really want? What do I really want to do? You need to create that Pinterest board for your life, so that when you are assessing how to spend your time, who to spend your time with what to read, [00:16:00] what to watch on TV, what to do with your life. You need to refer to that book. For direction. It is so, so, so important.

Now I’m trying to write out my goals every day, the same goals over and over and over and over. I want to remember my goals. I want to journal them. And I went to my journal before recording this episode and I realized that it has been over two weeks since I’ve done. I mean, I’m smart. I’m high-functioning and yet I forgotten to do the thing that I know is going to help me to reach my goals.

Do you see how ADHD messes with us? Even the best intentions are easily worded. We need to give ourselves every opportunity to succeed and putting goals in a visible place is part of that. Okay, now this next one is taken directly from Dr. Russell Barkley’s book, taking charge of ADHD. And in it, [00:17:00] he describes how people with ADHD do not have the ability to self-talk.

And in order to move ourselves toward our goals, we have to develop positive self. One thing I didn’t realize about us ADHD years is we don’t have the same ability to self-talk that our neuro-typical friends do. I didn’t even know that neuro-typical people actually have this skill. Totally not.

Apparently neuro-typical children learn to self-talk out loud as they play, and then they begin to internalize it in adolescents. They develop the skill of being able to chat with themselves about the situations or decisions or rewards or outcomes. Like what the heck? I did not even know this. I’m super, super jealous.

Now. We’re not able to do this in the same way. An ADHD brain is not able to do this and whatever, that’s fine, but we can begin to self-talk out loud. [00:18:00] Which I know sounds crazy, but once you’ve made realistic goals, you need to coach yourself to make sure you stick to them. For example, my call this morning was to record this podcast before going into work this afternoon, but my kids were home because of snow this morning until 10 30, the dishes hadn’t been done.

Literally, I’m still in my sweat pants right now while my kids were having a snack before school, I started like this sing song. You think to myself, I was like, I need to stay focused. I’m super scattered. I want to record a podcast, but I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. So I’m just gonna make myself do it, do it, do it.

And I was just being super goofy. My kids were like laughing and rolling their eyes at the same time, but it was helpful to me because I’m looking around this. And it’s messy right now. And I was thinking, um, oh, I should take care of the dishes. Oh, I should clean up. [00:19:00] So that we’re prepared, you know, for later, oh, I need to take a shower, but no, my real goal for today is to record.

And publish a podcast episode. And so I did that little sing song and chant, and I got myself into position to be able to accomplish my goal. My goal is to get a podcast episode out every Thursday. It’s a really hard goal to stick to, but I. Will not let myself flounder on this and I will not let myself get out of it.

I will not kind of go a wall and just like avoid it because it’s hard. I refuse to do that. So I do my positive self-talk you can do it. This is important. Just get it out. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Self-talk is also really important when you’re stuck and you don’t know what to do. And I use this all the time.

If I’m stuck on Instagram and I know I’m going down the rabbit hole of death, you know, and I’m just like, I cannot stop [00:20:00] scrolling. I will say out loud, Kristen, you’re a grown woman. Get off of Instagram last night. I did a little self-talk after spending an hour on Instagram and I left my phone in my bedroom and went downstairs to watch TV with my husband so that I would not.

Continue to go into the eternal vortex. That is Instagram. I also use this when I’m getting ready for work. There’s about 45 steps that I need to take an eight in order to get out the door. Right. And so I will often say out loud, okay, what do I need to do? I need to be leaving for work at 3:00 PM. That means I need to get in the shower at two 30 and I just kind of talk myself backwards so that I make sure that I can do what I need to do.

If I have a million things on my mind, but I’m working towards a deadline, I will say out loud. I do not need to look at my text messages right now because I have to get this report done for my client. If I don’t get the report done, I will lose money on this client because I will [00:21:00] not show up prepared.

And that will really help me to stay focused because I need to speak. The reality of what’s going on. I need to be able to verbally express what is happening and assess it. People with neuro-typical brains, do this naturally. We are mad at them because that is totally unfair. I know, it sounds crazy to talk to yourself out loud, but I don’t think you should care about that at all.

I really, really don’t because honestly, most of that is going to be done in the privacy of your own home or your own car or your own office. And, um, once in a while, I’ll do it at work in front of people. And I will just say, I need to take a stop and think moment because I’m really overwhelmed. And because I’ve educated, the people around me.

About the neurodevelopmental disorder that is ADHD. Um, they’re really cool about it. They’re really, really great about it. It’s just one of the ways that you [00:22:00] can show people that you do have a disability, but you are working toward being healthy. Okay. The last step in achieving your goal is this. You need to identify the specific reward that will come with reaching your goals.

That is huge, huge, huge. This could have been number one because we, ADHD years are super focused on rewards. Right. We cannot do anything that does not give us immediate gratification, but. I’m actually leaving this at number five because we first have to identify our goals. Make sure they’re realistic, make sure we’ve written them down.

Make sure that we are positively talking about the steps that we’re taking. And then we can add in the rewards that we are going to experience. Okay. So rewards are really, really important. So let’s talk about them for a minute. Obviously. When you achieve a [00:23:00] goal, you’re going to experience a reward. But when you set a goal and you know that that’s going to take you weeks or months, or even years, that reward being.

Weeks or months or reward or years out is way too far away. Okay. ADHD friend, we need immediate gratification. All right. So having a reward that’s like a month away is way, way, way too far out. For example, if you, our goal is to get out of debt and your reward is going to be the financial freedom that comes with that.

You need to. Recognize that that is awesome. And that is huge. And it’s going to be amazing. That is going to feel amazing and you need to kind of live with that. But at the same time, every day that you make good financial decisions, you should reward yourself. You should find something that you can reward yourself with, whether it is.

Putting money in an [00:24:00] account to do something that you want to do with, you know, that’s not getting out of debt related or even just like treating yourself to a Starbucks or going to a move, whatever the case may be, figure out a reward system for yourself. So that even though yes, you will eventually experience the long-term reward that comes from crushing your goal.

You still need that daily, immediate feedback. So to be totally, totally, totally vulnerable with you. I checked. The ratings and reviews of this podcast every single day, because it is such an effort to put out this material that your feedback and your ratings are my reward. It is the feedback that I get from you.

That makes me feel like I should keep going. That makes me feel like, wow, this is something really worthwhile. And so. You’re rating this podcast and me being able to watch that number climb. It makes such a difference for [00:25:00] me. It gives me such a blast of dopamine that even though, you know, I have this goal of, um, doing a podcast a week for a hundred weeks.

That’s my goal. My reward daily is interacting with you on Instagram, getting the podcast, ratings and reviews. So if you want to press pause real quick and go ahead and give me a rating or review, that would mean so, so, so much to me, I thrive off of it, but I digress. Okay. Moving on. I’m going to walk myself through this exercise of assessing and setting and achieving goals so that you can see an example.

Now I’ve been wanting to work out regularly for the last five years, which is really sad, but I’m not kidding ever since my third child was born and I knew our family was complete. I’ve been wanting to work out regularly, but it is so hard for me. I feel like I’m just like debilitated. I can [00:26:00] not do it.

I’m not playing with you. I have some sort of major block in this area. I just it’s wintertime in Pennsylvania. Um, but even when it was summertime, I just, I love to sleep. I don’t want to wake up early. I have three kids that need me. Um, and I just, I don’t feel like my time is my own. And so when I do have time to myself, I don’t want to spend it working out.

Side note, if you are a health coach, please do not reach out to me. I do not need an online health coach. Okay. I do not want to join a multi-level marketing thing. I appreciate you. I love you. I hope you’re listening to me on this podcast. I hope that your business is thriving, but please don’t reach out to me about meeting my fitness goals.

Please, please. Don’t please. Don’t okay. So here we go. My dream is to be totally fit and muscly by bathing suit season in June. And I can imagine how that would feel. I can imagine how I would [00:27:00] look, but. When I assess this goal, I don’t think it’s realistic at all. I don’t have a ton of time to dedicate to working out.

And honestly, my body is kind of scrawny, like putting on muscle is just nearly impossible for me. So my overall goal is to be totally fit, totally muscly. But when I assess that goal, I say, you know what, probably not going to ever happen. However, A realistic goal for me would be to move my body every day.

Sometimes, or some days I may have time for a true, you know, long workout, but other days I’m only going to have time for a quick walk around the block, but I know that I have 10 minutes to give, to moving my body. I mean, if I spend hours on Instagram every day that tells me I have time to work out. So I can write that goal down and I have done this, but it hasn’t stuck.

I’ve stopped and started and stopped and started [00:28:00] with this goal. So many times I can’t even count. I feel like a complete failure in this area. And honestly, even talking about this in my brain, my brain is telling me right now, why are you bothering? Why are you even going to bother set this goal? It is totally done.

Failed at this over and over for 37 years, you think you’re going to start now and be successful, but guess what? We all have that negative self-talk and I’m just going to push it to the side. Okay. One of the problems for me in this area is that the reward is too far out. There’s no immediate gratification for me with working out every day.

It’s just not there. Summer bathing suit weather is five months away. So that reward is really far and also. On the flip side, the consequence is really far out. So, you know, if I, the consequence of not working out as you get to bathing suit season, and you’re just, I’m a little flabby. And guess what? [00:29:00] That consequences so far out that I don’t really care.

Honestly, it is February. The ground is covered in snow. I’m freezing and I can wear sweatshirts every day. So I don’t really care about. The fact that my body can be, will be flabby in five months. Okay. It’s too far away. The pain of that consequences too far away. So here’s what I’m going to do. And I can’t believe I’m going to say this.

I’m going to set up my own consequence and reward system for myself to make sure that I reached my goal. Now, remember, my goal is not to be in total perfect muscly shape by June. That’s not my goal. Instead, my goal is to move my body every day. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to set a rule for myself, which I’m really good at doing.

I will not go on Instagram until I’ve moved my body in some capacity every morning. Now I’m an Instagram addict have [00:30:00] already mentioned it like 14 times in this one episode, I’m an addict. So there’s my motivation. There is my immediate gratification. Those of you who connect with me on Instagram can hold me accountable to that.

I am going to move my body every day before I go on Instagram. Now, again, this might just be a quick walk around the block. It might be a 10 minute yoga session in my family room. It might be a full on workout. I’m going to honor whatever I choose to do. And I’m also going to honor the fact that I don’t actually need to go on Instagram.

Like immediately when I wake up, I can wait. I can put it off and I can get up earlier and move my body a little bit. So I hope that might me taking you through these steps with myself, help you to visualize or envision how you can do that for you. Think about what you’ve always wanted to do, [00:31:00] decide if that’s realistic, if it’s not make a more realistic goal, put that up in front of you somewhere, make sure that you can see it.

If you want to go a step further, put pictures next to it. So you can visualize yourself in those pictures and then make sure that you talk to yourself about these goals. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I am the person who is going to move her body every day. That’s just who I am. And so when I wake up in the morning and I want to reach for my phone instead, I’m going to reach for my phone.

I guess, I don’t know. Oh my gosh. I’m so scared. I’m actually like sweating right now. I’m scared. Hopefully I can do this. Okay. And then set a reward that is an immediate gratification. Do not. Be fooled into thinking that if your reward is tomorrow or next week or next month or next [00:32:00] year, that you will have the motivation to stick to the goals, you will not decide who you want to be and be that person on purpose to not just live your life.

Willingness to. Floundering floating from one thing to the next floating from one goal to the next floating from one relationship to the next floating from one career to the next. That is no way for you to be living your life. You are worth thinking through you are worth determined. A course and a path.

Remember a vision is a picture of where you want the end destination to be. So go back to that vision episode, listen to it again, come back to this episode and write down your goals. Make sure that you are talking to someone. A coach or a therapist or a mentor, or a friend who can really help you accurately assess your [00:33:00] goals and make clear steps toward being the person that you want to be.

I totally believe in you. And I do not believe in my ability to move my body every day, but I’m still setting it as a goal and I’m going to do my very best and I will give you updates along the way. I hope you have an awesome day. I am so glad that I was able to finish this podcast before work today. I now have 15 minutes to shower and get out the door, but I believe in myself because I have procrastinated every day of my life.

And now I’m amazing at getting things done quickly. So have a great day. I will see you next. Hey, I wanted to pop in here just for a second to let you know that this episode is brought to you by my brand new website, I have adhd.com. I designed this site for adults, with ADHD, who feel a little lost and are looking for some direction on it.

You’ll find free resources, [00:34:00] a link to my Facebook community, and a roadmap to help you move from point a to point. Remember, I’m not a doctor, a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I’m just a person with ADHD who has figured out how to achieve my goals and live successfully with this disorder. And I’m convinced that you can too, so make sure to check out I have adhd.com.

Episode Transcript

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Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up, this is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. I’m regulated and I am ready to roll.

I was gonna say something cute in there about stinking daylight savings time making me so gosh, dang tired. But by the time this comes out, that’s not even going to be a thing anymore. And you’re all going to be recovered from it. But listen to me when I say I am struggling. I am on the struggle. Bus. What is it about moving the clocks that like throws everything off? I don’t know if this is just exclusive to neurodivergent, folks, but like I am struggling? I have a bit of a lazy eye. This is this does not matter. I’m putting it in here. I’m a bit of a lazy eye. My left eye kind of droops a little bit you know, it’s fine. None of us are fully symmetrical. And when I am tired it is it’s so bad. It’s under here with all lefty, me and my droopy eye hanging out with you today because your girl is struggling. All right. Well, I mean, like I said, this is not even going to matter to you. Because by the time that you hear it, you’re going to be fully recovered, but at least stand in solidarity with me right? Like it is this is too hard. We’re going to be talking today about how to be a good partner, it has come to my attention that we need to have a conversation around how to be a good partner. And I can’t wait. I think it’s really important. I’m a little bit fired up about this topic. Because I think there are some things that we really need to take responsibility for, of course, and then there are some things where we need to hold some lines, and make sure that our partners are being kind and make sure that we are not taking blame for everything. So we’re gonna get into all of it. Before we do, I want to shout out one of my clients in focus. I haven’t done this in a really long time. But I just came across a Post this morning in our Slack community. So we have all of our members on Slack. We don’t hang out on social media because we have ADHD. And instead we use the slack app. And I was combing through I’m in there every single day. And I was combing through it this morning just replying to everybody. And I saw a comment from one of my clients, Jacob he was just commenting being nice, and talking to a brand new member.

So that brand new member is just like, hey, this is who I am introducing herself. And here’s what Jacob said, I thought it was so kind. Here’s what he said. He said the focus group is a game changer. I feel 10 times more capable of getting where I want to because I’ve got this group and all of the amazing courses and calls, even though I’ve never attended one live, I hope you have the same experience is what he said to this new member. I wanted to just highlight the part where he said even though I’ve never attended one call live, we get a lot of questions in our customer support inbox or just like the regular Focused Inbox being like, hey, I’m interested in joining. But the schedule doesn’t work for me. I’m at work during the schedule. And I want to let you know that. Yeah, that’s the case for most people. I only work during, you know, tend to for Eastern time. That usually does not work for everybody’s schedule. But listen, that doesn’t matter because we have all of the calls stored in a members only private podcast feed so you can hear everything. We have it uploaded within 24 hours. So if I did a call, like I did a call yesterday, and it was uploaded like three hours later for members to be able to listen to it. And then also we have a membership portal where you can actually watch the call. So if you learn better, it’s easier for you to focus by watching something. We have all of them recorded and stored in our membership portal. So yeah, 90% of our members don’t show up to the calls live if it is a really really interesting topic. We get about 15% of our membership showing up live but normally on a regular coaching call on you know a regular like I did a call yesterday.

We had like 80 Something people show up live that’s only 9% of our membership 10% of our membership so Please understand that if the coaching call schedule doesn’t work for you to show up live, it’s no biggie. Jacob says I feel 10 times more capable of getting where I want to because I’ve got this group and all of the amazing courses and calls even though I’ve never attended one live, oh my gosh, it makes my heart so happy. Okay, if this sounds interesting to you go to I have adhd.com/focused Learn more, we would love to have you join us. Okay, okay, okay, we’re gonna get to 10 ways 10 very clear ways on how to be a good partner. I’m talking in the context of being a good partner to a neurotypical partner. But it doesn’t really matter. This also works if you have an ADHD partner as well.

Most of us just statistically speaking, are going to be having neurotypical partners, right, because only about five to 8% of adults are diagnosed. And so that means that there’s a lot more neurotypicals out there than there are ADHD ears. And so I’m speaking in relation of like, you are listening as the ADHD partner, and you are likely partnered with a neurotypical, of course, it’s not always the case. And these tips will work for you, even if your partner has ADHD. But let’s get rolling. First, the number one way to ensure that you can be a good partner is get treated for your ADHD and take it seriously. Take responsibility for yourself and your mental health condition.

This I promise you, you might be like, No, that’s not what I wanted to hear. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Listen, getting a proper diagnosis, getting medical treatment for your ADHD is the number one thing you can do. It’s so important because what all of the research tells us is that medication is the number one thing that makes the biggest changes in an ADHD life. And ADHD is the most treatable mental health condition, meaning that it responds the best to medication, which is so cool. So please, please, please let this be number one on your list. If you want to be a good partner, treat your ADHD. Okay. Now, if you’re like, medication doesn’t work for me, or I’ve tried. Like, I would question that, I would really question that there. There is a segment of the population for whom that is true. But it’s a real small segment. It’s really small.

So I would just really encourage you, did you try several different kinds of medication? Did you try a stimulant and a non stimulant? Did you try different kinds of stimulants or different kinds of non stimulants? Were you willing to be patient? Were you willing to really wait and see if it made a difference? Were you willing to ask your partner, your friends, your colleagues, like, Hey, do you see a difference? Do you see anything different with me, it might be the case that you don’t notice a difference, but other people do. So get treated for your ADHD take it seriously, this is the number one thing you can do. Because all of your executive functions and this goes into step number two, like all of your executive functions are affected by ADHD. And all of your executive functions either allow you to show up as a functioning adult in your relationship, or they don’t. Okay, and so understanding your diagnosis, that’s step number two, learn to accept yourself and understand your diagnosis. You need to know that everything that allows you in your brain to be a functioning adult, is impaired by ADHD, every every part of it. It’s so annoying. And I’m so sorry.

And it’s a it got the raw end of the deal on this one. And I am so so sorry. You need to understand that ADHD affects every single aspect of your life, from the boardroom to the bedroom, there is no place that ADHD doesn’t touch. And that includes your home life, your laundry, your dishes, remembering to pick up milk on the way home from work, like it impacts every area. And so if you don’t understand that, you will likely just think that you’re a bad person or you’re a bad partner. And I don’t want you to think that because I don’t think it is true. If you can learn more about ADHD and how it impacts you, and then begin to communicate that to your partner. That’s going to be so huge. I’m getting ahead of myself here though. Okay, I’m getting, I’m getting ahead. But take responsibility for it. This is no small thing. Okay, so number one, get treated for your ADHD and take it seriously. Number two, learn to accept yourself and understand your diagnosis. Really see how it impacts every single area of your life. Okay, number three, this is similar but I don’t care.

I’m putting it in Take responsibility, get help understand that you’ll definitely have to do more to manage yourself and your mental health than your partner. Well, that is just the truth. You have a mental health condition, it’s actually listed as a disability, you could get assistance under the Americans with Disabilities Act like this is not this is not a joke. This I, I need people understand. And I need you to understand this is not just like, oh, it’s no big deal. Like, yeah, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but I don’t really do anything about it. How are your relationships going? How are they going? Because if that’s your attitude, like, yeah, maybe I was diagnosed, but doesn’t really matter. It’s not really affecting me. What I want to ask is, how’s your relationship? How’s your partnership? Is it thriving? Do you feel connected? Does your partner feel satisfied with? With how you’re showing up? Are you satisfied with how you’re showing up? If not, if not, you got to really take some more responsibility for your diagnosis, your treatment, and how you’re going to manage your mental health. Okay. Number four, be vulnerable with your person, let them into your world. This is hard. I know this is hard. I know it’s hard. But vulnerability is the key here. Really share how hard it is to have ADHD really share what it means to have ADHD really share how much you’re struggling and do not accept. Well, you’re just using it as an excuse. Language, absolutely not. Hard boundary. No, that is the most invalidating, untrue, scientifically impossible thing that a neurotypical can say to someone who is struggling with their mental health, especially someone with a clinical diagnosis of ADHD. If you need language of what to say to someone who invalidates your ADHD in this way, you can say that feels very invalidating.

I am not using this as an excuse. I am simply explaining why things are harder for me. And I understand that this is my disorder to manage. And I am beginning to take responsibility for that. But please do not ever tell me that I’m using it as an excuse. I am simply trying to communicate how difficult this is for me and why I am simply trying to let you in on my life. I just want you to know me better. I want you to understand me more. Do not say that this is an excuse. If you do say it’s an excuse. I will walk away. The conversation will be over. I will likely shut down and I’m going to need a couple days to recover. Also do not accept everyone is a little ADHD. Yeah. Well, everybody struggles with that. Yeah, I mean, that’s just normal like that. Like, oh, you struggle to remember stuff. Yeah, that’s just normal. Everybody deals with that. So that’s also like, it’s a hard line of a no thank you that this is not how we’re going to talk to me. I do not accept those words from you. I love you. I don’t accept those words from you. Okay, everyone is not a little ADHD. I am clinically diagnosed with ADHD. And this is I just want to have a parenthetical statement here.

I know a lot of people are not clinically diagnosed, but do identify as ADHD. And I for one feel as though that is 100% Valid 100% valid to identify and self diagnosis, especially if you don’t have access to insurance, and health care, and a diagnosis. I know many people in Europe are waiting years years for a diagnosis. And so those of you in those types of situations might self diagnose, you know, you might be on a waiting list. And in the meantime, you’re beginning to identify with ADHD, I understand that it is harder for you to have this direct conversation with your partner because there is not the validation of a clinician saying yes, you have ADHD. And so I know that that is a specific struggle. And it just depends, I guess, on the openness of your partner to receive your self diagnosis. But that being said, everyone is not a little bit ADHD. Everyone is not a little bit ADHD. People with ADHD experience these symptoms to a debilitating degree, persistent over time, and in multiple areas of their lives.

Okay, so yeah, everyone gets overwhelmed once in a while and struggles to remember things. Everyone gets really busy at work and forget stuff or procrastinates everyone in the world has kids that don’t sleep at night. And then the next day, they’re super unfocused because they they didn’t sleep the night before. That happens to everyone. somebody with ADHD experiences these symptoms persistently over time in multiple areas of life and to a debilitating degree. Not everyone is a little bit ADHD. Don’t accept that from anybody. Anytime, okay. Want to hold you very close? And I actually just want to have that conversation with your partner, send them to me.

I just want to have the conversation with them. I want to be like, no, no, no, that is not how we are speaking to the person that we love. That is actually really invalidating, it’s actually very infantilizing, it actually strips away, the thing that is so hard for them, and it makes them feel like they should just get over it as if you can get over a mental health condition, as if you can just like think it away, or pray it away, or work harder and make it disappear. That’s not a thing. Stop it. That’s what I would say to them. We want to send them this pod. Go for it. This is step number five. And one of the things as you’re having conversations with your partner, and this will likely be multiple conversations over the course of time is you need to communicate the necessity of spending time and money seeking treatment. So you’re gonna have to spend money on doctor’s visits. And if your finances are combined, your partner might need to know about that you’re going to need to spend money on medication on perhaps therapy coaching scaffolding that makes it possible for you to function at baseline. at baseline, we’re just trying to level the playing field here.

We’re not trying to like get you ahead or make excuses or make things too easy for you, we are simply trying to level the playing field and get you at baseline so that you’re just at the same starting point as your partner. And I promise you, if you are able to seek medical treatment, if you are able to engage in therapy, coaching, those kinds of things, if you’re able to implement support and scaffolding, you will, you will make so much progress. And you may present much more similarly to your partner, once those things are in place. Not that we’re trying to get rid of ADHD. But we are trying to be able to function in a world that is not set up for our brains. Hello. Okay. So you might want to communicate all of this to your partner and just be like, listen, it depending on the type of relationship that you have. I know I don’t need your permission to spend our money, but I am I asking for your blessing. I am asking for your encouragement, I am asking for you to cheer me on as I like commit to taking care of my mental health. You’re my partner, you’re the closest one to me in the whole world. I need a cheerleader, I need someone to be like you’re doing the right thing, go to that appointment, go to that yoga class, go to that coaching session, whatever the case may be. Because it’s hard, it’s hard. It’s hard to feel like we need more care than our partner does. And then we can often feel guilty and like oh my gosh, I’m spending money on this. Like, why? Why do I have to spend money on this? And they don’t want the answer is ADHD. Okay, so if they’re like, well, that’s not fair. You’re spending that you know, this much money on on your mental health.

And we could use that to save for a vacation and you can validate that you’re right. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I have a mental health condition. That’s not fair. You don’t. And I do. That’s not fair. I don’t like it. If we’re talking about not fair, let’s talk about that. It’s not fair that I have to work harder to function as an adult than you do. That’s not fair. I don’t like it. So yeah, there are things that are not fair. And it’s valid to say, you know, you’re spending more money on yourself than I am on myself. And sure that’s not fair. But there’s a lot of things that are not fair here. And I think the number one thing is that I’ve got this mental health condition that I didn’t ask for. Oh, I don’t really want it. I’m not going to I will not insert an argument about superpower or awesomeness here. I will not do it. I will not do it. holding myself back the first five are truly truly, truly baseline get treated for your ADHD. Learn to accept yourself and your diagnosis. Know how it impacts you understand it. Take responsibility for yourself. Get help. You’re gonna have to do more to manage yourself than your partner does a, you gotta accept that. It’s just reality. Don’t fight against it, just accept reality. Be vulnerable with your person and let them into your world really share with them how much you’re struggling. And if they push back, because they just don’t understand, I just want to empower you to use language that is very assertive. This is not an excuse, I am simply explaining to you why things are harder. You saying it’s an excuse is invalidating and it’s unfair. Everyone is not a little ADHD, this is to a debilitating degree across many areas of my life, it impacts me negatively, persistently over time, we’re not the same. So please don’t expect me to be the same. Communicate. Number five, communicate the necessity of spending your time and money getting resources and support for your mental health condition.

Okay, communicate that you need a support. You need a cheerleader, you would like that. And maybe your partner doesn’t consent to being that and then like, Why? Why Why wouldn’t they want to do that? i That’s the question. I would ask why? You don’t want to cheer me on, you don’t want me to take my mental health seriously, you don’t want me to do better. That’s a whole other issue. Okay, let’s, let’s move on. Now. So that’s like, all your stuff your responsibility. Number six, think about what kind of partner you want to be. I know that self reflection is very difficult for those of us with ADHD, obviously, it is one of our executive functions that is impaired. So self reflection is hard. But I want you to sit for a minute, maybe do some journaling, maybe a speech to text in your notes app or whatever. And just really think through what kind of partner do you want to be? And what’s actually realistic for you? Are you living in a fantasy world? Are you agreeing to things that you know, you’re never going to do just to get your partner off your back in the moment? Hello, hello, hello. Are you willing to stop living in the fantasy of I can be all things to all people, I can say yes to everything, I can make my partner happy. It is my responsibility to make them happy. That’s fantasy living my friend that is a fantasy. You’re not going to be a perfect partner. It’s not your job to make your spouse happy. That’s a whole other conversation that we’re not going to have today.

But stop agreeing to things that you’re never going to be able to do like really self assess. What kind of partner do I want to be? Who can I really show up as? And what’s realistic for me? Okay, just really think that through and start externalizing it and living it? Saying no, in the moment? Sucks. It feels terrible. Your partner says, Hey, can you do this? And you’re like, Oh, I actually don’t think I can. But what feels worse is being labeled unreliable in the long run. So when we say no, upfront, that’s disappointing to our partner, and they might get upset about it like, well, I want you to do it. And you’re like, yeah, no, I really don’t think I can. But if we say yes, just to appease them in the moment, what happens in the long run is we don’t do the thing. And then we’re unreliable. I don’t want to be unreliable, which feels worse, saying no in the moment, or your partner being mad in the long run and labeling you as unreliable. Hmm. That’s something to think about. Let’s just munch on that for a minute. Okay. Number seven, know your strengths and use your strengths to contribute to the family. Of course, there are things especially if you have kids and pets and jobs and all the things. Of course, there are things that you’re going to have to do that you don’t want to do.

This is just a part of being a grown up. But but but but if you can think through what your strengths are, and really use your strengths to contribute to the family, that can be so helpful. So have practical conversations with your partner about your strengths, and the best ways that you think you can contribute. Notice how you might be stuck in gender roles. Notice, notice how your strength might be outside of that gender role, and kind of play with that. So for example, in my relationship, I manage the money and Greg does the laundry. That is outside of gender roles. You know, I’m saying like, the man is Oh, methodical, consistent, and does not mind doing laundry. Now I contribute. I throw a load in here and there when I noticed something needs to be folded, I fold it. I try to like every Sunday is my, in my mind, I do laundry. So I tried to get the kids laundry done on Sundays, but I promise you, I don’t think about it during the week. And he’s constantly doing laundry. And that’s just very uncomfortable for me as a woman to be like, my husband does the laundry and I don’t, or I do it once a week. But he does it every day. We have three kids, two of them are teenagers.

They’re all in sports, doing stuff, like we’ve got tons of laundry, but understanding like he’s contributing with his strengths, and it doesn’t bother him. He’s like, I don’t, I don’t care about laundry, I have no drama about it. And I’m like, how do you not have trauma, not have drama, my laundry, I don’t understand. But for me, I open YNAB almost every day, and I’m in there managing our finances, I went into our credit card today I paid the bill like that, to me, there’s a lot more dopamine in that. Just like getting things done and seeing how things are working and making sure that bills are paid. Like that does not bother me. It’s not fun, like none of this is fun work. But it’s just a way that I can contribute. That’s fine. So think outside of the gender role box, when it comes to the things that you contribute to the family.

Number eight, check in to see if you might be living in a parent child dynamic with your partner. This is really interesting, this is really interesting. Is your neurotypical partner trying to parent you micromanage you take care of you in a way that’s maybe a little bit crossing the line into inappropriate? And are you letting them off? Are you kind of participating in that dynamic of like, Yes, I need to be parented. I am not saying don’t let your partner help you. That’s not at all what I’m saying we show up for each other, and we help each other. But notice, if you are living in a parent child dynamic, that’s inappropriate. And also it’s not sexy. There’s nothing sexy about your partner parenting you. So what I would start to think through is, is this happening? And how am I contributing to it? And I would really start to work on not allowing your partner to parent you. Okay, it’s a no, it’s just a no. So it’s not that like, like, hey, if if Greg sends me a text reminder, that’s helpful. Thank you so much. But if Greg’s trying to manage my time, no, thank you. That’s a no right? Do you see the difference? So a text reminder of like, hey, don’t forget that this child needs to be picked up at 430 instead of four today. Oh, my gosh, thank you for the reminder, I’m putting it in my I’m putting it in my calendar. I’ll make sure I’m there. That’s great. Thank you so much. But if there’s more of like, a micromanaging and like, Hey, you should spend your time this way. And why aren’t you spending your time this way? And why aren’t you doing this, this this?

That’s a no, you know, my mom, you know, my dad, I’m a grown up. But here’s the thing, I think a lot of us ADHD ears kind of like that parent child dynamic, we kind of rely on that parent child dynamic. I think we contribute to it. And I think that we need to stop. Now a big way to do this is go through steps one through five, get treated, take responsibility, set yourself up with support, communicate vulnerably to your partner, like all of that will help you to stop living in this parent child dynamic with your partner. But in any case, we got it, we got to check in and make sure we’re not contributing and living in the parent child dynamic. That ain’t sexy. That’s not going to contribute to a thriving marriage, or partnership. I promise you. Okay, number nine, checking to see if you’re living in a dynamic where you are always the problem. Who’s gonna take a breath here and let you munch on that for a second. A lot of us and this I’m just going to say real quick. A lot of us grew up as neurodivergent people in neurotypical society and we have kind of embraced this identity of I’m the problem.

I know I do it wrong. I know everything that I do is wrong. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. Sometimes. When we get into relationships, we participate. Just goodness We don’t think we do it. I don’t think it’s our fault. But I think that we participate in creating a dynamic, where we are labeled the problem for all of the things like you’re the one with ADHD, you’re the one who forgets the things you are the one who is impulsive, you’re the one who spent the money bla bla bla, I just want to say you’re not always the problem. And if your partner is using you, as a blame, shame target, that’s a problem. Okay? This is way above my paygrade. Y’all need counseling. But go ahead and check in. Am I in a relationship where I’m always the problem, where my partner is not willing to see how they’re contributing, where you know, no matter what it seems like, I’m the one that gets blamed for everything we just check in. Because I promise you that you’re not always the problem. You’re not perfect, of course, but you’re not always the problem. So go ahead and check in.

If you feel like you’re living in this dynamic, it’s a great red flag that says, hey, I think we need some counseling, I think we need some couples therapy to work this out. Number 10. Sometimes you are the problem, of course, of course. And when you are own it, own your weaknesses, apologize, make amends repaired, do better. Okay? If you need help with how to apologize, I have an entire episode on it. It’s called wait for it, how to apologize, okay. So go listen to that and take notes and really integrate it into your life. Don’t just say you’ll do better your partner is sick of hearing that just actually do better. Maybe don’t even say you’ll do better. Don’t Don’t say just start doing better. Okay, which means you need to be treated for your ADHD. And I’m sorry, some of you’re gonna be triggered by that you’re gonna be like, Why is this girl keep talking about medical treatment for ADHD. Because that because all of the research shows that that is what helps the most with ADHD, and Chi. get treated for ADHD, use tools like therapy, and coaching and counseling and mentorship and all of the things. Add in support and scaffolding as much as you can. There’s so much free stuff available out there. Set yourself up with as much scaffolding as you can. And I know that’s gonna look different for different people. But there are a lot of free resources out there, you can learn so much for free on YouTube, this podcast totally free. And there might be support groups in your area that would be free as well. So take advantage of those resources.

Okay. I want to end with something that I heard Brene Brown saying a little while ago, and I just really loved it. So I’m gonna give her credit for it. Shout out to Brene Brown, we love you so much. I want you to think about not splitting a relationship 5050 And keeping track keeping record of who does what, please, please, please, please, for the love of everything. That is not the way to do it. That just turns into yucky, yucky, yucky. And if you know, you know, okay, what I want us to all be thinking about in our partnerships is I’m going to be giving 100% And I assume that my partner is also giving 100% We’re giving 100% of what we have. Now there are days, when I’m just like, Listen, I don’t have it, I’m it’s not there, I don’t got the 100% to give. And in those moments, I go to my partner, I go to Greg and I’m like, I need space I cannot perform today, I cannot show up in parent, or I can’t like I need help. Right?

I’m working at 20%. And in those moments, your partner can cover you and be like, I got you. I can make up for what you’re lacking. And it goes both ways. So there are times when Greg is just like, I’m so depleted, and I’m like I got you, I will show up at 120 person and cover what you’re missing. And just thinking through like partnership, as we’re both giving 100% We’re not splitting it 5050 We’re not trying to keep record of like you do this and I do that we’re just like, we’re both giving 100% I trust that he’s a good person. If you don’t trust that your partner is a good person, that’s a great place to start in therapy. Okay, that’s all I’m saying. But if you trust they’re a good person, then it’s like, okay, they’re doing their best. They’re showing up the best they can. I’m going to show up the best I can. And what is so beautiful about marriage or partnership is that like, when I am lacking, he makes up for it. When he’s lacking I make for it, that is one of the most beautiful things about a partnership. So, are you being a partner? Is your person being a partner is that maybe where you might want to start is like, I don’t really feel like we’re partners. Let’s start there.

Oh my gosh, go have the most beautiful relationships. I hope you have an amazing week. And we’ll talk to you real soon. Bye bye. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential you’ve got to join focused. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted. No matter what season of life you’re in, or where you are in the world, focus is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all the info.

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