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Pow Pow is on its own schedule. Thankfully somewhere in the world it’s always snowing. All you have to do is use the last minute filter on the app to book a last minute deal on a slope side private rental home book now@vervo.com. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the Frustrations, humor, and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving. With this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you’re listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 99. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, and I am ready to roll. Today on the podcast, we’re talking about friendship, and I have one of my friends, Veri Garvey, on with me to chat about our friendship, and really mostly about how friendships have been difficult for us as kids and teens and adults, and how changing our minds about ourselves as adults with ADHD and accepting ourselves has allowed us to show up differently in the last year or so and create dream friendships for ourselves. So. Hi, Verity. Welcome. Thank you for being here. Hi, Kristin. Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be here. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad that you agreed to be my friend. When I asked you very awkwardly, I don’t know, maybe six months or a year ago and said, I know this is, like, a little bit weird, but do you want to be friends? And you said, yes, of course I said yes. I was, like, wishing and hoping and dreaming. And then when you asked me, I was like, obviously. And I also had a moment of, like, wait, I thought we were already friends. Like, I didn’t. I didn’t know. Like. But then, yeah, I think I was hoping that you felt the same way. And you did. I’m so glad. It’s magical. It’s so funny, because I think having this conversation together is going to be so powerful, because the way that we show up in our friendship is very imperfect. And this is actually. You are very imperfect. I am just kidding. I’m totally kidding. I mean, that’s obvious. But this is our second go around trying to record this podcast. The first time we got interrupted, it didn’t work out. And, um, I think there’s, like, a lot of grace in friendship when we both have ADHD that is probably not present in, like, a neurotypical slash ADHD friendship. So we’re gonna chat about all of it. Yeah. I feel it’s important to let everyone know, just as a side, why we got interrupted last time. Yeah, it was me getting a text message from my boss, hey, are you coming to the meeting this morning? And I had to literally just tell you, like, after so many small interruptions already, like, wait a minute, like, I Actually cannot be here. I have to just go. And you were so understanding, and I just. I don’t know. That story feels important. Yeah. Because how many of us have gotten that text where our heart, like, drops. Yes. Yeah. And we immediately are sweating, and we’re like, oh. Oh, my gosh. I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I didn’t even realize it. There’s, like, no way out other than to let one of these sides down. Yes. I have to. Like, and so the fact that it was you then, and, like, I knew that you would, like, 100% understand, like, I still. I was so sad that I. I would rather have been on the podcast, but, like, I didn’t have that sinking feeling in my stomach all day long because I just knew that you knew. I knew that you got it. I totally did. Okay, so let’s start from the very beginning. Why are friendships so difficult for kids with adhd? Let’s talk about that for a second. So walk me through some of your childhood experiences within your friend groups. I definitely. I think this is probably one of, like, the most traumatizing parts of, like, growing up with adhd. I have this really profound memory that has, like, come up in lots of different times in my life. Like, thinking back to myself as this little first grader, and even before that, like, feeling very much on the outside side of, like, other kids. But, you know, in preschool and kindergarten, I was kind of able to just, like, do my own thing. But when I transitioned to first grade and I was, like, in a new school, I remember, like, sitting on the sidelines at. At lunch and, like, not understanding. Like, I would just sit by myself and cry and, like, watch the other kids play, playing. And I just didn’t understand, like, how they all knew each other. Like, how they knew the rules of the game that they were playing. Like, was there, like, a meeting I forgot to go to that, like, planned for the game at lunch? Was there, like, some kind of, like, announcement? Like, how did they all know, like, what to do, where to meet? Like, how did they know each other’s names? Like, we’d only been in school for six months. Like, how do we know each other? You know? Like, I don’t. I still feel like that at times, but, like, that image of me, like, in my own mind of just sitting on the outside, just. Just crying because I did not understand how to, like, be the same as everyone else, just as a very defining, like, memory for me. Totally. Yeah. And that just kind of. That feeling kind of followed me and what I did was, like, I attached myself to one person, so I would find, like, a best friend and kind of just attach myself to that person and then, like. Like, just be with that one person for the rest of time, basically, as, like, security. Yeah. And as a way to, like, know what I was supposed to do. Yeah. And it’s so interesting because I’ve always been friends with twins, and I think that’s because they’re, like, used to having another person who’s just, like, bonded to them. I don’t know. Wow. That’s just a total theory, but it’s, like, so many of my really close friends have been twins. Oh, that is fascinating and a little weird. Yeah. It might just, like, it might have nothing to do with what I said, but, like, there might be an understanding and a twin of, like, this person is, like, needing to be bonded to me in a different way. Yeah. Yeah, I remember. So I didn’t go to traditional school first through sixth grade, so I was homeschooled. And I don’t have a ton of childhood memories. I think I’ve blocked a lot of it. And also just adhd. Like, I just don’t have a lot of memories. But I went to school for the first time in seventh grade. I know. Were you. I mean, obviously you were homeschooled then. I was homeschooled, yeah. Not only was I homeschooled, let me paint a little picture for you. I was homeschooled overseas, so as a missionary kid. Right. So when we moved back to the States, we kind of, like, bounced around a little. But we finally settled in New Jersey, near Princeton, where people were quite wealthy. Yeah. And I moved in in seventh grade, first day of school, wearing clothes that were purchased from, like, Goodwill. I had a teal blouse with, like, a crocheted bib, shoulder pads, pleated khaki shorts, and flowered. I don’t know why I remember it. Wow. But it was a thing when I. It must have been a spectacle, a sight to be when I showed up in Princeton, New Jersey. Yeah. I’m, like, feeling traumatized, like, just by listening to this. I appreciate that. I really do appreciate that. And one of the first memories I have of, like, interacting with people. Like, I. I remember, like, helping. Offering to help a girl open her locker like she couldn’t get it. And I’m like, oh, I can help you. And she was just like, ew, why are you talking to me? Yeah. And you were just trying to be kind. Like, you were literally just trying to show up. So Sweet. But I didn’t know anything about social cues or about. Yes. Like, what’s acceptable in school. Like, I was just so happy to be in school. Yeah. How dare you be nice to someone. Yes, I know. So rude of you. So there was this one girl that I knew from the church that we were going to, and so I was like, oh, my gosh, obviously, we’re best friends. And I sat with her at the lunch table, and after, like, a couple days, I remember the group of girls were like, no, we don’t want you here. And they kicked me out of the lunch table. And I just remember being like, I don’t. Like, I am a catch. Like, I don’t know why anyone would not want to be my friend. Totally. Like, why are you giving away this gift? But it was really hard because I did not know at all what was expected. And we haven’t talked a lot about masking on this podcast. I don’t know that we’ve really talked about it much at all. But I. I think that that was my first introduction to, like, being you is not okay. Like, there’s a certain way to act. There’s a certain way to show up in the world. And so, like, you need to be observant of what other people do and mimic that in order to be able to fit in. And fitting in was my number one goal. It took me two years, but by the time I got to ninth grade, I found a group of friends, and it was wonderful. They were lovely. But it did take me two years to learn how to fit in. Yeah. I think what is so crazy, and this maybe doesn’t have much to do with adhd, but I think having ADHD makes this experience so much harder, is that I also immigrated in seventh grade, so we both had that experience of going to school, like a normal American public school in seventh grade. Like, being very different. So not just, like, from a different culture and a different country, but, like, neurotypical versus neurodivergent. And that feeling of, like, yeah, that profound, like, realization that, like, you. You aren’t. Right. Like, you’re not. You’re not the same as other people. And, like, trying to be nice and people just reacting with this, like, why are you talking to me? Attitude. I can relate so much to that. And wanting to fit in and having no idea, like, where am I missing the boat here? Like, how I remember going home and telling my mom, like, mom, the girls are just different. And you said you moved to Princeton, New Jersey, which is super wealthy. I have the same Experience, too. I moved to Laguna Beach, California. Like, oh, my goodness. Like, I walked into that school, these seventh grade girls looked like real life supermodels. Like, I cannot even describe the culture shock of, like, going from Johannesburg, South Africa, to Laguna Beach, California, California. And like, like walking into a school where I’m, like, now surrounded by what they seemed like adults. Like, these girls were terrifying. And I remember going home to my mom and being like, mom, Like, I don’t think. Like, I. I don’t. I’m not the same. I’m not the same species. Like, I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing here. Yeah, Masking was huge. Like, yes. Learning slowly how to, like, look like other people, sound like other people, act like other people. And, yeah, I very quickly bonded with one person who I’m still in connection with today. And what I was thinking when you said, like, you found this group of friends who were so wonderful, and I have that same experience. And I feel like we can mask to a point, but then when we find our people, like, even if they’re not ADHD themselves, like, they are just very special people. The people who end up being our close friends are. They have a depth and an understanding and a compassion. And I don’t know, I just like, yeah, they’re just very special. I totally agree with that. And it’s not that there wasn’t conflict, because there certainly was, but the level of acceptance that they were willing to offer me all through high school, first couple years of college even, we stayed really close. It was just so lovely. And it’s everything that I always wanted. As a kid, I felt like, oh, my gosh, I finally have people. And I remember one specific example where I had my first boyfriend. I think I was like, 15. And my. One of my, like, very close friends, Colette, called me and was like, hey, we are going to the fair. There was some sort of, like, fair, I don’t know, the fair today. Do you want to come? And I was like, I actually want to go with this guy. And I had forgotten that it was Colette’s birthday. Like, that. She called me on her birthday, invited me to go. I said no, because I was, like, infatuated, hyper focused on this totally. Relationship. And she forgave me for that. Yeah, right. And that is the kind of acceptance that we need in friendship. Totally. Because we are going to do those things. Like, it’s hard to be friends with us sometimes. We do not show up perfectly. We do not show up with the same level of Remembering things like birthdays or being able to show up on time. I remember my other friend Karen really struggled because I was late all the time. And I come from an ADHD family. Yeah. So I didn’t have parents that were like, rushing me out the door. It was kind of like we’re all just whatever about it. Time is not real. Time is not real in the Sullivan household. This is not. So what do you think are the hardest things about being friends with someone who has adhd? Like, what’s hard about us in friendship, do you think? So all of the things that we feel guilty about all the time are the things that neurotypical friends have to tolerate or accept or understand. And I think it’s just cultural norms. Like, none of these things are actually real. Like, we just joked about time not being real, but that’s actually a true statement. Time isn’t real. It’s just thoughts. And so, like, for us, it’s not real, but the tension that we feel is. We know that for other people it’s real. And so, you know, it’s seen as rude if we’re late, and it’s seen as uncaring if we forget a birthday or if we don’t text back or if we forget to, like, ask about something that is important. When this is not the worst thing. This is the thing that I struggle with the most about myself is, like, if someone tells me something that’s going on in their life, that’s really big deal. Like, if their mom is sick or, like, something bad has happened and then I forget to ask about it the next time I see them. And I remember at like, three in the morning on a random Tuesday, but, like, not when I’m with them. And I feel, like, terrible about that. And for a neurotypical person, I think it’s just really normal to interpret these things that they’ve been taught their whole life. Oh, you have to do these things to show respect and to show that you care about someone. These are necessary things. And they’re like, okay, we’ll do that. Like, we’ve been taught the same lessons. We just don’t do it all the time. And so for them to have to shift their thinking about what is normal and what are, like, normal ways to show respect and care is actually a really big ask. I think it’s, like, a hard thing for them to do. I can understand that. Like, oh, for every other friend you have, like, it’s acceptable for you to expect them to be right on time, but for me, you have to like, know that I’m just always going to be right. I mean, let’s be honest, probably 30 minutes late, especially now that I have kids. Like, there’s no way. There is no way. Oh, my gosh, that is next level. Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree with you. And I think that we as ADHDers, spend so much of our time, like you said, feeling guilty, feeling like we’re not, like, knowing that we’re not showing up in a quote, unquote, normal, typical way, knowing that many of the behaviors that we exhibit or the words that we say can often imply that we don’t care or can often imply that we are, like, we’re just unconcerned with the other person when in actuality we are. We, like, deeply love the person. We just don’t remember to show up in the ways. Yeah. Communicate that really, really clearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think even, like, I think it would be a true statement to say that as ADHDers, we probably think about our friends more than anyone. Like, I think that we, like, for. Because of maybe some anxiety. Like, we. I mean, we know, like, adhd. Like, we do know what we’re not doing. Like, that’s just a. That is a common experience. And so at least for me, and I imagine that this is. It might be something that we’re all doing, is that, like, I spend a lot of time thinking about my friends and my family that I. That I haven’t spoken to, and I’m wondering how they’re doing, and I’m kind of anxious about, like, oh, I probably should call them. Like, I don’t know how long it’s been. Like, maybe it’s been years. Like, I don’t know. And the more anxious I get, the harder it is to reach out because I don’t even know. Like, I don’t fully remember when the last time was. And so I think when people, when. When friends are thinking that I just don’t care about them, the opposite is actually true. Like, I think about them all the time. And then I think that, like, I feel like I’ve spoken to them recently because I’ve actually been speaking to them in my own mind and thinking about them. And maybe like, I said something on social media that, like, you know, oh, I wonder how so and so is doing. And then I see this whole post about how they’re doing, and I’m like, great, we’ve checked in with each other, right? When actually I have not spoken to this person and I just forget. I just forget. Oh, my goodness. I think that it takes a very secure person to be able to be in, like, intimate relationship with someone with adhd. Because if you are questioning, like, your own self worth and whether or not this person is, you know, loves you or is friends with you or, you know, cares about you, we are not going to show up in a way that really convinces you of that all the time. Like, it takes a neurotypical person who’s like, pretty secure, pretty okay within themselves to be able to be in a deep, connected relationship. I think, because. And I think that that’s really why I found the friend group that I did. And they were all very secure, independent, amazing. Well, they’re women now, but I guess girls at the time who. They didn’t need me to show up a certain way in order for them to feel good. Right. So, like, when I showed up the way I did, most of the time it was just fine. And sometimes there were, you know, there were fights, but we always, like, fought. It was worth the fight and we would fight and, like, work it out. But they had to be willing to say, like, hey, this really bothers me. And if you’re not willing to say that, then I think it can be very difficult to be in relationship with us because if you don’t tell us, we’re just going to be like, everything’s great. Awesome. Amazing. Yeah. Unless you’re like, hey, this, like, this really hurt my feelings when you forgot my birthday and went to the fair with, like, your boyfriend instead, even though I called you and invited you on my own birthday. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I think it’s harder to find that the younger you are. So I feel like I’m finding that more and more in my life now that I’m in my 30s than I did in high school. I think it’s amazing that you found, yeah. A whole group of girls that were secure enough to, like, take you as you are. Amazing. And yeah, like, I’m finding that more and more. So, yeah, there’s hope. I think the older we get, the more secure people are in themselves and then the easier it is for them to just know that, like, people are just different. And that’s okay. So let’s chat about that for. For a hot minute because in the last, like, year, year and a half, you’ve done a lot of work to change your mind about yourself. So if you haven’t listened to that episode, I don’t know what number it is, but just look it up. It’s called Changing youg Mind About Yourself. And Verity talks About her story of going from basically someone who thought that she was the worst to now someone who fully accepts herself as she is. And I’m interested to hear how that has changed your friendships. How has accepting yourself changed your dynamic in your friendships or in your relationships? I mean, I still have those friends that are like. That. Nothing has changed because it’s always just been, like, fine with them. You said something to me the other day that just made so much sense to me about how, like, when we start to accept ourselves, it obviously starts, like, with us first. Like, it was me and me, like, having this massive conversation about, like, how I’m. I’m okay. Like, I’m. I’m doing okay, like, in all my, like, imperfection, and then also my gifts, like, it’s all fine. And then. And then it goes to, like, one ring out, which was my husband and my children and how I relate to them and how I show up. And that was, like, a huge, traumatic thing, which is now. It’s now good. Like, everything is good. But there was this massive adjustment with my husband and I that was, like, crazy. But then now that. That’s good. There’s, like, the next ring, which is, like, my closest relationships. That’s been, you know, the further out from myself, it’s gets. The harder it gets to manage. Because obviously, when it’s just me and me, I’m with myself all the time. I’m like, you know, I sound crazy now. I’m talking to myself all the time. But, like, we all do that. And then when it’s me and my husband, we’re very connected, and so that’s it. But then when it’s the next ring out, it’s like, I don’t know. It kind of blindsided me. And I think that’s the conversation that you kind of helped me see that there’s these layers of growth that happen. And that was so helpful because I just thought, like, oh, I’m good. Like, I’ve worked it out with myself. I’ve worked it out with my husband. We’re good. And I just was blindsided when I started to have these conversations in, like, close friendships and close relationships that were, like, kind of one step out from that. And it’s been, like, a really good test for what I actually believe about myself, because it’s one thing to say to yourself or your spouse, like, no, like, I accept myself. Like, you need to accept me. But it is a lot scarier to say that to a friend. It’s a lot more emotionally challenging. And you really have to examine. Wait a minute. Do I actually believe that I’m enough? Do I actually believe that, like, not just that I’m good enough, but that it’s okay that I struggle in the ways that I struggle? Yeah. Which has been a huge shift in thinking for me. So before, like, obviously I’ve had conflict with friends before, and I’ve thought that it was like a sign of maturity when I was able to, like, apologize and be like, no, I’m so sorry that I didn’t remember your birthday. Or I’m so sorry that I’m bad at communicating. Like, you know, like, I thought that I was being really mature by, like, apologizing and being understanding of their complaints. And, you know, and I think that responsibility accept. Yes. Accepting responsibility. Like, I’d be like, oh, well, like, I was the one who hurt them, so I’m going to accept this responsibility. And I think, you know, there are, there is an appropriate time for that response. But when it comes to, like, somebody basically being upset because I have adhd, even if they don’t know that’s why they’re upset, then for me to respond and say, like, I’m really sorry that you’re hurt. But I’m also, like, I’m not apologizing for just functioning in the way that I function and being able to say, you are right, that I’m not a good communicator, but these are the ways that I do love you well, and I want you to know that. So, like, for me to see what I’ve, like what I’ve brought to the relationship without someone else telling me that I brought that to the relationship, that has been a real sign of growth for me. But, like, so hard. So hard. Yeah. It just is different to any other way that I’ve functioned before. I love that you point out that there’s this, like, next level. Because I think that when we do the work of self acceptance and we feel good with us, we’re like, great, I’m done. Like, I’ve done the work. Then it’s like, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. How does a human with ADHD who accepts themselves, how do they show up in their marriage? Right? And then it’s like, how do they show up in their close friendships? How do they show up as a parent, like, truly accepting yourself and your ADHD characteristics? How do you balance taking responsibility for. Of course, like, we have flaws and we’re not trying to say, like, well, it’s too bad, like, I, I was born this way, so move on. Like, it’s not that at all, but it’s okay. Also not accepting responsibility for, like, inconveniencing someone because of your neurodiversity and that. That’s a very fine line. But I think that constantly going back to, like, who am I? What is what, how does ADHD show up for me? What does that mean about me? And what sort of strengths do I bring to the table? Like, I’m never going to be the friend that shows up on time. So if that’s your measure of friendship, you will always be disappointed. And I’m not willing to stress about that anymore. Like, I just let myself off the hook for that a couple years ago where I’m like, I am no longer going to hold myself to a standard where my love for my friend is measured by how on time I am. I’m just not going to do it anymore. And I don’t. I just don’t. I text when I’m on my way and there you go. Like, I try to get out the door on time, but I’m not going to beat myself up and hold myself to a standard. That really isn’t a measure of my love anyway. Yeah, exactly. It’s like, I accept you fully as a human. I’m going to have your back at all costs. Like, that for me, like, loyalty and like, having someone’s back, that is one of, like, the biggest things that I bring to the table. Like, being able to fight for someone and that, like, a lot of times looks like, like showing them how amazing they are, you know, and being like, no, no, no, you are. Like, you don’t have to feel this way. Because I feel like I see the good in my friends that maybe they don’t see about themselves, you know? Yeah, totally. So, like, those are the good things that I bring to the relationship. I don’t bring remembering birthdays. It’s not like I. I forgot, like, one of my closest friends, Jamie. I love you, Jamie. I know you probably don’t listen, but I love her so much. And actually, funny enough, I also asked her, do you want to be friends? You are the only two people that I’ve done, but it was like our first year at my husband’s previous church, which I will have to be sharing with all of you about. But anyway, and she was like the only young person there, and I was like, oh, my gosh, do you want to be friends? And she was like, yes. And we’ve literally been like, best friends ever since. But I just forgot her birthday a couple weeks ago and I Texted her. And I was like. It was like four days later, and I was like, jamie, I forgot your birthday. Like, that’s all I said. And she wrote back and was like, I don’t care. I know that you love me. You don’t need to remember my birthday. Like, those were the words that she said. And I was like, amazing. Gosh. Yeah, that, like, a text like that just means so much. Yes, it’s. It’s everything. Is everything. What do you think that we bring to the table as friends? And why is it so important that we think about that? Well, I think it’s important that we think about that because I think that it’s the only way that we will start to accept what is labeled deficiency, you know, in our culture. So all of those things that we’ve been talking about, like, all of the reasons why it’s hard for a neurotypical person to be friends with us, like, you know, like I said, it’s cultural norms. It’s not like they’re just making up random rules. And so as an adhder, like, we’re flying in the face of, like, what’s, like, considered normal expectations. And so if we don’t realize for ourselves what we bring to the table, we are going to be destroyed, like, by other people’s opinions. We have to be able to answer that question for ourselves and fully believe it, because people will not answer that kindly for us. So that’s why. And then as far as, like, what we bring, I think obviously it’s very dependent on each person. I think that we all have different gifts, and it’s easy to identify as an ADHDer, like, we all have that in common. But then we also are all our own people. We all have our own personalities and talents and interests. And I know for me, I mean, you said you show up with loyalty and like this, you know, I know you’re an enneagram8, so, like, you’re going to protect your people. Like, you are going to be so loyal. Mostly I show up in relationships as an enneagram9, so I am super accepting. I have very little expectation from my friends. It can get tricky because with having low expectations or no expectations, and it is easy to be mistreated. But as I’ve, like, evolved in myself, what that looks like is I. I don’t tolerate mistreatment anymore, but I do tolerate all of the things that, like, could come up in a relationship. Like, especially things that, like, maybe, you know, are more ADHD traits. Even if, like, you know, if someone’s not usually late, but they are like 10 minutes late. I’m like, girl, I’m so grateful that you’re late. Like, thanks for being late because it helps me out and I don’t care. I didn’t even know you were late. You know, people were like rumbling at like 15 minutes. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’m like, I don’t even know you’re late. Yeah, I don’t know. Like, you’re on time. All right? You are on time. If I go over to someone’s house and it’s like a total disaster, I’m like, mine is worse, like for good. I just, I don’t know. I just have this acceptance of people as they are. And I think that’s my personality, but I think it’s ADHD too, because I’m used to needing that from other people. Yeah. Yes. So one of the things that I think we can all relate to is hyper focusing. And so I have these special interests that I like get obsessed with for a few months and then I teach all my friends. And so like a year ago I was like hyper fixated on skincare and I wanted to talk to everyone about skin care. And so now all my friends have awesome skin because, like, I told them all the things and they’ll come back to me now and be like, oh, like, what should I use? And I’m like, I don’t know. I don’t think about that anymore. That was like months ago. I’m over it. I couldn’t care less. I don’t even wash my face anymore. But like, I’ve given them like this wealth of information. Like a few years ago I was super into fertility and like a few of my friends literally got pregnant, I think because of like the information that I shared with them about like the way that our bodies work, like women’s bodies and cycles and hormones and like, next thing you know, they’re pregnant after like years of trying and I’m like, yeah, they like, oh my gosh, I shared that information with you, but now I don’t. I don’t even know anything about my own body. I just like extra. But you know, it’s crazy, but it’s also like valuable. And so. Yeah, I don’t know. I love that. Fun to be friends with adhder. I think so too. I think you’re absolutely right because we can be very spontaneous. We can have those hyper focus, like periods of time. We are so accepting and forgiving. We really are. I really do think that we Bring that level of understanding that a neurotypical gestational can’t because they don’t have all of the trauma. Yes. Yeah. I think we bring a level of understanding and acceptance. And not that a neurotypical would not have experienced trauma as a child or a teen or even as an adult, but I think that for ADHD years, we have this, like, shared experience of trauma and friendships and trauma with, like, just always showing up in a way that, like you said, goes against cultural norms. And. And so we just bring this level of acceptance to friendships and relationships. That is just really special. Yeah. Yeah. I think we have the ability to understand that not everything is based around, like, how much somebody cares about us. Like, there’s very little. I’m trying to even think of a time where I have done something intentionally because, like, I don’t care about the person. Right. Like, you know, but versus the number of times I’ve been accused of that, I can’t think of a time when I’ve, like, been late. I will be later if I care more. You know what I mean? Like, it’s. It is completely the opposite if I don’t care at all. Like, I’ll roll up in my, like, sweats and messy hair, whatever. If I’m. But if I really like the person or care about the event, like, I’m going to be there late, but I’m later because I’ve, like, been spinning around in my own head for the last hour. I think understanding that the reason people, like, quote, unquote, mess up is because of their own stuff. It’s very rarely. Because they’re thinking, oh, I’m just going to stop, sit here for an extra 10 minutes because I just don’t care about this person enough to be on time. Yeah. Or like, I’m. I know it’s their birthday, but I’m just not gonna text them so that they know that I hate them. Like, Right. That’s just not how people think. But that is what culture will tell you that. Like, oh, if you’re not. If you’re not early, you’re late. I hate that, like, so much, that saying. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that, but I’ve. I’ve heard that by people in my life. They’ll, like, casually be like, hey, I live by this principle. If you’re not early, you’re late. I’m like, if you’re not early, then you have adhd. Like, it’s just kind of like, there are other reasons. There are other reasons. I Mean, it’s very rare, actually, that it’s based on how much somebody cares. And so, yeah, I think we just have this understanding that comes from the trauma of, like, being rejected over and over again for things that we can’t help. And maybe we can help them over time, but it takes time. And that’s something I’m learning too. Like, I am actually working on being better at communication, right. But I can only do it, like, at the pace that makes sense for me and this time in my life. Like, I cannot do all of it all at once. So, yeah, I love that. So what I want to say to any of you listening, who are struggling in friendships, feeling lonely, wanting to be able to show up as yourself, this is just Kristin Carter’s personal opinion. My advice first is do the work of self acceptance. It has to start with you learning how to accept you. No one around you is responsible to accept you before you do. Like, that’s your work. That’s our work as ADHDers, is to do the work of self acceptance first. And really, that means, like, understanding your adhd, having a level of tolerance for yourself that other people don’t. So it’s not like, it’s not their work to do, it’s your work to do. And then teaching the people in your life how to accept you just by modeling self acceptance for them. So you don’t say, like, listen, you got to accept me because I have adhd. You model, I accept me. I understand that you’re upset about this, and I totally get it. And I fully accept myself in this moment. And that work is not easy work. That’s not for the faint of heart. And then also really knowing what you bring to the table in relationships, what is your secret sauce? Stop holding yourself to the standard of being on time or remembering everything. Instead, really get to the bottom of, like, what are your gifts? What are your strengths? What do you bring to the table? What is amazing, amazing about you? And lean into those strengths, because that is going to be so much more fun anyway, wouldn’t you say? Yeah, I do think that once you get there and when you find your people who see your strengths, it is so much fun. But I also want to just emphasize that this is the hardest work you’ll ever do, like learning to accept yourself as you are right now. Like, it’s not saying that you’ll never grow and move beyond some of the things that you, you know, you may be working on beyond time or communicating better or remembering things better. Like, it takes time, but accepting yourself as you are right now, it is normal for this to be overwhelming, for it to hurt, to go. Like, this is not like a fun, light, easy process. I mean, like, you know, Kristen knows what I’m talking about when I say this. And, you know, at a certain point in, in. I don’t know if I started a podcast, you’ll probably all find this out. But, like, my life honestly almost exploded like a few months ago. And it was because I had reached a point in self acceptance where I was not able to tolerate, like, assumptions or treatment of me that that didn’t align with my self acceptance. And so I want to say that it is normal. If you’re going through the process of learning to accept yourself, to feel pain and to feel struggle and to feel disruption in your relationships, you’re doing it right. Like, I don’t want to kind of minimize the work that it takes, but I also want to say that it is so worth it. It is essential. You have to accept yourself to be able to live at peace in this culture that is the opposite of the way that our brains work. And so it’s a beautiful process. And if you haven’t started it or if you’re in the middle of it and you feel alone, like, keep listening to this podcast, Hire a coach, go to a therapist. Like, get the help that you need to go through the process of doing this. Oh, that was so beautiful. So we have so many resources for you. I love that you mentioned, like, hire a coach, go to therapy, reach out for those resources. Of course we want you to join Focused. Verity is in focus. We love Focused. Yes, Verity also coaches. And so, Verity, tell us how people can get a hold of you. I am on Instagram. That’s probably the easiest way. My handle. I literally forget this all the time. So I’m going on to my Instagram right now. Is Verity Garvey Life Coaching. I thought that would be easy for me to remember, but it’s Verity Garvey Life Coaching. So that’s on Instagram. You can also find my website, veritygarveilifecoach.com that’s why it’s hard to remember. Perfect. All right, my dear, thank you so much. This has been so helpful and we will see you guys next week. Hey, Adhder, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like, no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created Focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.
