June 27, 2023

Processing Conflicting Emotions

Those of us with ADHD, and even those who don’t have it, can attest to times when we aren’t sure how to feel and we argue with ourselves in our heads. Problem-solving is an essential adult function, but it can be really hard at times and we can get frozen in our indecision.

This week’s episode is a recorded coaching session from FOCUSED, including three women who are all doubting themselves and struggling to stay regulated emotionally and mentally. There are endless reasons why any of us can feel this way, and it’s important to know that you’re not alone!

Tune in to this session as we navigate the internal thoughts of these strong, independent women who are learning how to stay motivated and grounded. If you’re inspired by this FOCUSED session, we would love to have you in FOCUSED! Click here to learn more.



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Kristen Carder 0:05
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. K, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you’re listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. I am regulated and I’m ready to roll.

How are you? How are you? Welcome to the podcast, I’m so glad to be with you. Today, I’m a little foggy, I’m a little tired, I’m not getting much done. I’m doing a lot of staring at the wall, I am definitely in an ebb, not in a flow. But I’m here for you with a recording of a coaching call from my group coaching program focused. And I think it’s going to be really helpful to you, I love to share these calls with you every once in a while for a couple of reasons.

First, I think it’s really important that you hear from real life ADHD errs besides me, not a therapist or a doctor or a psychologist or a so called expert, but just like regular old people with ADHD who are doing their best at life, just like you.

Next, I love the fact that when we listen to coaching, we can apply it to our own lives. It’s wild, how impactful it can be just listening to other people being coached. I think a lot of people don’t really even know what coaching is or how it might help them. And not only is this your chance to check that out it is but also it’s just a chance to be coached by proxy. Like I’m not coaching you specifically. But the coaching can be helpful to you. Notice how much you identify with each person, and how you can apply some of the coaching and encouragement to your own life. We are all so much more similar than we realize. We are all humans with an ADHD brain. And that makes us very, very similar.

So here are the coaching topics of today’s call. The first person that I coach doesn’t know how to feel about her job. The second person is an entrepreneur who’s stuck because she’s feeling shame. And the third is feeling frantic and doesn’t know how to just settle down. I mean, how relatable is that. So if as you listen to this call, you love it and you get tons of value from it, I want to let you know that we have three live calls pretty much just like this.

Every week in my focused ADHD coaching program. I host two calls each week. And then we have guest experts, psychologists, therapists and coaches hosts the other call. These calls are recorded and stored as videos in our membership portal or as audio in our exclusive private podcast.

We also have four courses available to you immediately including time management, self esteem, how to coach yourself and the best course I’ve ever created, which is emotional regulation for the ADHD brain. You will be welcomed into a community of like minded ADHD adults who are walking the path of self development right along with you. Focused is unlike anything out there for adults with ADHD and if you’re listening in real time, this is really exciting. Ready.

This week in preparation for Christmas in July, we are offering you 25% off your first month membership fee. So that’s a savings of 50 bucks. It’s my present to you I would love to welcome you in if you’ve been wanting to join anyway, now’s a great time to do it. So go to I have adhd.com/focus to learn more about the program. And make sure to use code focused 25 to get 25% off of your first month. This offer and Saturday, July 1 (2023), so don’t procrastinate my friend head over to Ihaveadhd.com/focused to sign up today. And now let’s get to it.

Please enjoy this ADHD coaching call.

Coaching 1 4:24
Let’s go. Hey, hello. Yeah, long time no talk. Yeah, it’s been a while, of course. Hello, hello. How

Kristen Carder 4:32
can I help you? Um,

Coaching 1 4:34
okay, so when I joined focus, like my big thing was I was feeling super stuck in my career. Within like the past month, I had like a lot of breakthroughs but now I’m not sure what to do with them. So the first thing I realized I was measuring myself worth by how I was performing at work. I was using work to me My relational needs specifically acceptance and validation. And I was getting really, I would get, I wouldn’t act out. But like I would internally be like really mad and frustrated with people when I wasn’t getting that validation. That kind of led me to realizing, I don’t know how I should feel about getting feedback at work. It doesn’t feel good. Like I feel like a failure when it happens. And I’m like, I’m not sure how to feel. So that’s one thing. Yesterday, I realized I also feel bad when I’m doing well. Which is that makes no sense. I don’t have any good role models about like, how to feel about work, like my I posted about this in Slack yesterday, but my mom hated her job and did everything she could so she could retire early. My dad loves his job, and he really likes helping people. So like, he gets a lot of fulfillment from that part of his job, which like, my job doesn’t help. And then I also realized I within like the past, like four or five years, I’ve been promoted to the level at work where it doesn’t come naturally to me anymore. Like I actually really have to put in an effort. And so I’m like struggling with that as well. So I have like all these things. And then maybe I’m like a little overwhelmed. Like I don’t know where to go next with like, all these like realizations I had. Well, first, I just want

Kristen Carder 6:40
to affirm like, these are big realizations.

Coaching 1 6:46
It’s pretty impressive. But it’s kind of crazy.

Kristen Carder 6:50
Yeah, I mean, it’s just clear that you’ve been doing this work for a while and you’re seeing benefits from the work that you’re putting in on yourself. It’s really beautiful. It’s so interesting. Okay, so here’s what you said, I don’t know how I should feel about work, but left to your own devices. You just want to feel bad all the time about work.

Coaching 1 7:19
I do feel bad all the time.

Kristen Carder 7:21
Right. You’re like, I feel good. I feel bad when I’m doing well.

And I feel bad when I’m not doing well.

Coaching 1 7:28
Right? Why? Why? Well, when I’m doing bad, I feel like I’m a failure and a not a worthy person. And then when I’m doing well.

I feel like I’m just waiting to feel bad.

Kristen Carder 7:48
Yeah. Okay, that’s really insightful. You’re like, well, I feel good, like this second, but it’s not gonna last so I might as well just feel bad. I’m struggling because I don’t know how I should feel about work is equaling weight. Was I wrong? Go ahead, correct me.

Coaching 1 8:11
Just one. I guess the reason why like I don’t know how to feel it was like, I don’t want to put myself worth in my work. So it’s like, if I don’t want to attach too much to doing well or poorly at work. So I don’t want to like say I’m doing well at work. I feel really I want to say I don’t know, should I feel neutral apart about work should I feel because it feels like if I feel too good about it, then I’m depending on work to meet some needs. But I don’t want to do that.

Kristen Carder 8:53
Why? That’s interesting. I guess they taught.

Okay, so let’s just let me just do like a broad overview. When you’re like, I’m not sure how to feel. I’m not sure if I should feel this or if I should feel this. What that’s creating for you is your as always feeling bad. So let’s at least get there. Like, when you’re not sure how to feel. You’re just naturally choosing I’ma feel bad. We feel I’m feel bad if I do. Well, I’m gonna feel bad if I don’t do well.

Coaching 1 9:26
Does that feel true? Yeah. Okay, definitely. It’s almost like you are withholding from yourself. The good stuff like you’re not allowed to feel good about this. Because you’re just getting validation from your work. Well, that’s, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I get validation from my work. Like, you’re it’s almost like

Kristen Carder 9:55
you have these aha hours, and then you pull back Can we like, I’m not You’re not to feel good about. And

Coaching 1 10:07
yeah, that’s why I think I started looking at my parents and see how they feel about work because my mom hated her job. And my dad likes his job for a very specific reason that I don’t have. So like, I don’t have any models of like how to feel neutral or good about me my work doesn’t make the world any better. My work is I make money for investors. Maybe I’m making the world worse. So.

Okay, that’s fascinating.

Kristen Carder 10:42
Because even your stare map about your work, like if you if you put like my job in the situation line, and your thought is like,

Coaching 1 10:54
my job doesn’t make the world any better. How do you feel?

I guess guilty, I don’t know.

Kristen Carder 11:05
And then you’re feeling guilty. So what are you doing?

Coaching 1 11:11
I’m not letting myself feel good about when I’m doing well.

Like, that’s your result,

Kristen Carder 11:19
we could talk about all the actions, but your result is like, I’m not letting my job make me any better.

Coaching 1 11:27
Like, my job is,

Kristen Carder 11:28
the world’s any better is like, I’m worse off. Because I’m believing that like, you’ve got a lot of judgy thoughts about your job to do. And you’re like, I’m, I’m not allowed to feel validation. I’m not allowed to meet any relational needs, like, how much time do we spend working like 20 to 60 hours a week, depending on who we are? We’re going to need to get some needs met in the workplace.

Because we’re spending so much time there.

Coaching 1 12:06
But is it? I feel like it’s not it’s not fair to ask my co workers to or my colleagues to meet those needs?

Kristen Carder 12:20
Sure. But what seems to be happening is even when they are,

Coaching 1 12:27
you’re like, No,

Kristen Carder 12:28
you’re not allowed to feel good. You’re not allowed to like, No, you’re not allowed to feel validation. Do you know what

Coaching 1 12:35
I’m saying? Yeah.

Kristen Carder 12:38
What did you think about it with like a child. And I’ve been saying a lot like, our kids are not there to meet our own needs. But what I don’t mean is, if you get those residual effects, don’t shut him down. Like, that’s part of the joy of being a parent, right? Because our kids aren’t there to take care of us, your job is not there to take care of you. But we still get these residual benefits of like, Oh, that was a really fun thing. Like, I really enjoyed doing that. I really enjoy talking to this person, I really enjoy my time with this colleague, I really enjoy doing this particular project, I enjoy good feedback, like, don’t cut yourself off from the residual benefits.

Coaching 1 13:24
That feels scary.

Kristen Carder 13:29
Because if you were to feel those residual benefits, what would the risk be?

Coaching 1 13:36
Um, that like, it’s, the risk would be that it could go away at any time, or it’s not something I’m in control of, like, I could do a really good job and still not get good feedback? Sure.

Kristen Carder 13:56
So I just won’t let myself accept any good feedback.

Coaching 1 14:01
Yeah. Because I don’t want to be completely dependent on it.

Kristen Carder 14:06
So we’ve got like a million maps going here. Your maps is like, positive feedback goes in the situation line. And your thought is, I don’t want to be dependent on it.

Coaching 1 14:19
And then you feel what I guess, like very rejecting or like, when I get positive feedback, I feel like well, they’re just trying to gas me up, or they just want to make me feel good. This is not actually good work.

Kristen Carder 14:37
So you’re not even receiving positive feedback from yourself, or accepting positive feedback from yourself? Yeah, okay. So I think that is probably at the heart of this is I need to believe that I am doing a good job. For me, for my own sake, if someone else also confirms that that’s delightful. But I need to believe at first. I guess like,

Coaching 1 15:17
that is where I get stuck. Because how do I know I’m doing a good job? If I’m not getting positive feedback, but then I get positive feedback. And I don’t put in the

Kristen Carder 15:29
work, you have to think what are the requirements? Am I meeting the requirements?

Coaching 1 15:37
And am I doing it on time?

Kristen Carder 15:40
Am I occasionally going above and beyond?

Am I performing at a proficient level?

Am I helping certain people? Like those are the questions you need to answer that’s just very, like factual. Like for me, am I showing up to my coaching calls? Am I holding space for my clients? Am I making sure that I am empathetic and kind? Am I showing up in Slack? Am I telling the world about this program? Like those are very, I think creating some black and white standards for yourself would be really helpful. What are the company that I work at? 

Coaching 1 16:23
The requirements aren’t always super clear until after the fact?

Kristen Carder 16:31
Hmm, so like, per project? Is that what you mean?

Coaching 1 16:35
Yeah. Like I, I don’t have timelines or deadlines. I mean, there are, but they’re not explicit. But I will get feedback of this took too long.

Kristen Carder 16:49
Okay. Establishing that criteria upfront would be really helpful. Yeah, maybe. So who would we talk to about that? Like you somebody sends you a project? Who do you talk to about criteria?

Coaching 1 17:03
I mean, I could talk to my team lead, I could talk to the product managers.

Kristen Carder 17:08
Yeah, I think right now, there’s a couple of things going on. But one of the things happening is that it’s very unclear what it even means to do a good job. Yeah, that’s gotta be more clear. That way, you can look at the set of standards and say, Am I doing it? And then you get to decide if you’re doing a good job. And then if you get positive feedback, great.

Coaching 1 17:36
I feel like one of the requirements of this job is being able to work in a lot of ambiguity. And I’m wondering if it’s, maybe it’s not a good fit for me.

Kristen Carder 17:50
I think finding that out for sure. Could be so helpful to you. Yeah. Because if you do start asking for clarification, and they’re like this, that’s not what we’re doing here. Like, that’s not what that’s not what we’re about. That would give you really good feedback. Yeah. Oh, man, that’s scary, too. Because I don’t even want to go to that place. What I would love is to just talking to someone about defining some parameters. What does success look like on this? Yeah, that question, I think it’s pretty easy. Any manager should be able to answer a question like that. What does success look

Coaching 1 18:35
like, for this project? Yeah, that makes sense.

Kristen Carder 18:39
Okay, here’s another thing that I want to say. I want you to think about your job as a human and I want you to work on your relationship with your job, because right now, you’re mean to it. Just to like a quick thought download for me. What you’ve already said is my job doesn’t help anybody. It might be making the world a worse place. Oh, my gosh. And then there was one more. My job doesn’t help anyone. These are all thoughts that are just not super nice to your job.

Coaching 1 19:14
Like, yeah, but they’re all true. Like there are facts.

Yeah, I don’t want to say too much about what I do. But

Kristen Carder 19:23
and when you think about that, how do you feel

Coaching 1 19:25
makes me feel like a bad person?

Kristen Carder 19:28
Are you a bad person?

Coaching 1 19:30
No but I may be helping bad people. But I like I like all the people I work with, I like our clients. But as part of a bigger system. I don’t know that we’re we’re doing something good.

Kristen Carder 19:48
I think that you being able to define that would be really helpful to you. It’s almost like you want to stay in the I don’t No so that you don’t have to know. Yeah. What if we just figure it out? And then we can say I’m a good person doing a job that’s helping bad people. But I’m going to do it for the next two years as a means to an end, and then I’m out here or something like that, right? Or we could say, actually, what I uncovered is it’s not actually a bad company, or it’s not actually doing bad things, or it’s not making the world a worse place. Because of this in this in this. It’s all like, there’s so much ambiguity.

Coaching 1 20:31
Yeah, no, that’s, that’s kind of where I was, I want to stay here for at least a year, maybe two. And I don’t think anyone is a bad person who’s involved. I think we’re part of a bad system.

Kristen Carder 20:47
Is the system just a system that exists? A

Coaching 1 20:51
it’s capitalism I don’t capitalist is. So what I’m saying is like,

Kristen Carder 21:01
I don’t want you to go against any of your own values. But also, I want to encourage you that like, you can be a good person doing your very best existing in a broken system.

Coaching 1 21:14
Yeah, I kind of feel like maybe that’s, that’s where I am.

Kristen Carder 21:20
But telling yourself this is like, this isn’t helping anybody, like, I want you to go fine. Like, who is this helping? what good am I doing here? How is how can I love this job? How can I see the flaws in the system, but still appreciate some of the benefits or something like that? Because your relationship with your job right now is not cool? You feel that?

Coaching 1 21:51
Yeah, it’s, it’s pretty crummy.

So there’s just like a lot of ambiguity.

Kristen Carder 21:59
And what I’m encouraging you to do is to get clear.

Get clear on the parameters for success. Get clear on what good you’re doing. Even if it’s just a tiny bit of good, get get clear on that. I think asking about the parameters of success will be helpful to you will be helpful to your team. And there’ll be helpful to realize like, either Oh, there are parameters great. I can hold myself to the standards and see my success.

Or Oh, shoot. I have to exist within this ambiguous system. And I’m not, this isn’t the right place for me long term. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. What are you feeling in your body? company that I work at?
I feel a little bit of relief that I have some. There’s some concrete steps I can take here. Instead of just like a bunch of thoughts.

Kristen Carder 23:08
Yeah. And questions. You I want you to answer the questions. I like how should I feel about my job? Question, Mark? Yeah, the answer is, well, I know I want to feel accomplished. I want to feel capable. I want to feel proficient. I want like, answer that for yourself. So you could have a standard of what you’re working toward.

Coaching 1 23:30
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, go be great. Thank you.

Kristen Carder 23:34
Thank you for raising your hands. Going to talk to write changing your evolve See ya! Hey, hello, how are you?

Coaching 2 23:42
I’m good. I wrote. I raised my hand. And then I was like, No. And then I did it again. And I was like, I don’t know. Maybe you don’t decide she’ll decide. I decided. So I’ve been struggling a lot lately.

I haven’t been able to fill my regular medication for almost two months now. I’m so sorry. And I’ve been taking it for over 10 years. So I’m really, really struggling and like seeing Waltrip changing medication. I’m like, Oh, wow, the other medication really did help this, this and this with my executive function or this, you know, like, it’s kind of showing me, I guess, like how I knew it was effective. And it was obviously helping me a lot, but it’s really hard now, but I’m not able to fill it. But I think that aside, I think I’m trying to like consolidate like what’s going on? And I think it’s that when I feel behind I want to give up. And I know that I’ve listened to the like, podcast about Oh, not being behind and everything. I just blah, blah, blah.

I’m trying to think, basically, I’m not Instagramming I’m not reaching out to people. I’m not doing all the things that would give me more work. And when I think about it, I feel like, like, I haven’t Instagrammed any of the jobs that I’ve done in a year. And that’s not good like that. That brings me more work.

Kristen Carder 25:32
Are you in need of work right now? Yes.

Coaching 2 25:37
So it’s like, I’m a tailor for stylists, and like on photo shoots and stuff like that. So it’s like, when it rains, it pours. And then it will be dry. Like, just, I had so many jobs on top of each other. And then I’m like, still trying to get the catch up. Yeah, of like, have an invoice. I don’t even want to say it because I feel so embarrassed about it and see

Kristen Carder 26:12
what we got. Yeah. Like,

Coaching 2 26:14
I have invoices of jobs that I’ve done six months ago that I haven’t invoiced. Okay. And something that super, super helpful that helped was to tell myself This isn’t easy. That was really, really helpful.

It was, it definitely changed it from like, berating myself until like, what kind of help could make this easier? I just Yeah, I guess I just feel like a huge amount of shame and embarrassment around it.

Kristen Carder 26:49
Spent time surfing that at all?

Coaching 2 26:52
So, yes, but I don’t, I don’t really feel it dissipating. And I’m also realizing with my medication change, like, I’m not really sure how to shift my emotions, and how to help myself and comfort myself or soothe myself, I realize.

Kristen Carder 27:17
I just want to start by saying like, it’s so not fair, that you don’t have the medication that you need.

It’s, it’s so unfair. I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry that you have to deal with that. We all know what shame does, which it makes us hide in a void, which is exactly what’s happening, right?

Coaching 2 27:40

We could start making me like try to be as small as possible. Think that means like that. I’m not posting on Instagram. I’m not reaching out because I just like you said, it’s like, just wanting to hide? Yeah.

Kristen Carder 28:06
I’m going to ask you

a question that you’re probably not going to want to answer and if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. How much money do you think you would make if you were to send the invoices?

Coaching 2 28:18
Because Should I just let it go? Just see, because I done that before. And I was like,

Kristen Carder 28:26
No, I wasn’t dollars. Are we talking? $10,000? Are we talking $20,000?

Coaching 2 28:31
We’re talking closer to one to one or 2000? Yeah, but after doing my taxes, I feel a lot more aware of how didn’t do as well this year as I thought. Yeah, freakin’ taxes. So I’ve been the month of April. I’ve been like looking through all my finances and it’s just like, yeah, sorry. So there’s there’s many stuff is hard, but I still have not. I’m not sure how to get

Kristen Carder 29:00
totally join the Club. I just want to read some of these two because I think it’s so relevant. You said I haven’t sent invoices. I feel so embarrassed. To Koba said been there, Courtney said I’ve been there it took me six months to send my invoice to my last freelance client. Joanne says in there, Kathy says, Oh, girl invoices are on my list. My hubs is like um, can you get us this money relate so much in the shame. So many people Danny says for 1000s of dollars, that she hasn’t sent the invoice for like, and I could keep going like hard relate from the whole community. So the first thing you need to know is like, Thank you for being vulnerable. You are not alone. I want you I want you to receive that you’re really not a loan, you’re not a bad person, you’re not lazy. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s unfair that you don’t have your medication. And we got in some some shame stuff. But like there’s there’s so much of this, it’s so relatable.

So, there’s a couple of different ways we can think about it. We could just be like, we’re going to pardon our past selves. We’re not going to go after this money. Yes, let it go and start fresh.

You could also say, you, here’s what here’s, here’s the plan. I like better.

What I would love is for you to hire an assistant. Yeah.

Make them sit down with you.

And do the invoices as a body double. Because let’s say you pay an assistant $500. Yeah. Would you pay $500 To make $2000?

Coaching 1 31:01
I? Yeah.

Kristen Carder 31:04
I can see you like, starting to?

Coaching 2 31:07
Yeah, I’m trying to sorry. I’m trying to remember the thought that I had before. And basically, I think it was something like, I have sent invoices late and people have had a bad reaction. Yep. And I think I’m like, because I’m like, just sending the invoice. If they don’t answer, then you did your part. And like, you can follow up. But I’ve also had people be quite angry with me. So there’s some invoices that I haven’t sent. And there’s some invoices that people are ignoring me about? Like I’ve been trying to contact and they’re not answering me. And I find so I realized recently I’m like, more being upset with myself that I didn’t put in. Parameters and a 50%. Sure. Yeah, no deposit, or like, let’s set up how I’m setting this invoice before I even do the job. Yeah. But then I’m also like, because it’s easier to be mad at myself than it is to be mad at others. So much more uncomfortable, brutal. What I would

Kristen Carder 32:28
love to see you do is offload the invoicing, and even the plan for invoicing to an assistant.

Coaching 2 32:38
And how would one go about finding that person?

Kristen Carder 32:43
Think that you should reach out to… let me give you an actual name. Because the woman that is supporting us in focus is also taking new clients. Okay, so I’m gonna pop it in Slack. And she’s also on the list of BA’s that we have. We have a list of BAs in the entrepreneur channel. I gotta be here, heather@virtuallyalignedservices.com. Heather at virtually aligned services.com I think there would be a great fit for you. And what I want you to do is to explain to whom ever you hire, like, I’m very good at my job. Yeah, what I need is for you to take over invoicing past clients, and make a plan for new clients. And I don’t want to have to deal with that part at all. I don’t want to see the money. I want to see the money. Actually. I don’t want to see the invoice. I don’t want to see the correspondence. I don’t want to see any of it. So it would come from her she would take care of it. All you’re doing is you are doing the tailoring. Yeah. And then that would also free up space for you to post on Instagram. You’re not posting because you’re in hiding mode right now.

Yeah. And that’s okay. But the key isn’t let’s make a plan for Instagram. That’s not how we’re going to do it. The key is, let’s make it so that I don’t have to hide anymore.

When that happens, you are naturally going to be able to post. Yeah, because you won’t be in hiding.

Coaching 2 34:28
Yeah. And I used to. Yeah, exactly. So you used to be very good at it.

Kristen Carder 34:32
Exactly. You still are very good at it, but you are in hiding. And so what I want you to do is set yourself up to come out of hiding. That’s going to be an investment. But you’re adorably Miss medicated brain right now. deserves to have support. Yeah. Because this ain’t it like this is not working. This is not working. No And I’m not fair, while streeted it’s so frustrating and it’s not fair. But instead of just being like, I should be able to why can’t I do this? I want you to be like, okay, obviously I can’t do it.

Coaching 2 35:13
I already had a trouble when I was medicated. So now I definitely need help if I’m not being properly medicated.

Kristen Carder 35:23

And people are looking at your Instagram. Um, it’s a big freakin deal. Yeah,

Coaching 2 35:35
you didn’t what I do? Not I don’t even like my family will like, I don’t know, find out I did something they’re like, you know, you can tell us that. Like, they just exciting things that you’re doing. And it’s like, I’m just in this hiding all like

Kristen Carder 35:57
okay, so I think that the first step is to come out of hiding through having support. Getting the money thing off of your plate, that’s not your job anymore. Okay, having your assistant whoever you choose to hire, sit with you in a body double. You’re going to brain dump everything they’re going to synthesize, prioritize, and accomplish the tasks.

Does that sound great? Yep. You do a brain dump.

They tell you what the priorities are. And then they go do it.

Coaching 2 36:39
I love the idea. I just this is just like a question about like, virtual assistants. I guess I would just, I’ll just talk to Heather about it. I just don’t totally understand how, like, does it is it usually like a flat rate thing? At first and then like, I’m

Kristen Carder 36:57
gonna do it for everyone’s gonna do it different. I would say to start out, it’s usually um, hourly.

Okay. And then once kind of like the triage period is over, they kind of figure out like, Okay, I’m, I’m doing about this many hours a month. If you want to do a flat fee, like that kind of thing. But right now, what you need is someone to sit with you for hours for a while. Yeah. Right. And just like hear you rant about all the things you need help with, and then make the plan. They can make the system and they can do the tasks.

Coaching 2 37:38
And to be honest, I feel like I’ve been trying to figure out what therapist I need. But this is what I need.

Kristen Carder 37:45
I think this is I mean, I’m not saying don’t do therapy by No, I also think

Coaching 2 37:49
so many problems, but it’s like it’s more that I would I’m more desperate for someone to like, hear all of what’s on my head and in my head and then yeah, help prioritize rather than make me feel better about all the back. Because

Kristen Carder 38:08
Exactly, exactly. Okay.

Go do it. Thank you so much, Kristen. Welcome, honey. Sending me batteries, man. I’m glad you did.

By 3d. Appreciate you. Okay.

Coaching 3 38:26
I am

Kristen Carder 38:27
friends. Yeah.

Coaching 3 38:28
Hi. I’m good. How are you?

Kristen Carder 38:33
I’m good. How can I help you?

Coaching 3 38:36
Yeah, I’m, I’m curious about this experience I’ve been having I observed it. I’ve observed it over the last couple of years. I feel like I wrote it out. I’m just gonna read whatever I said when a big thing comes up and I feel like it swallows me whole and then when it’s over, I feel like I have to totally reorient myself. It’s like I go from one tidal wave to the next life is just tidal wave after tidal wave. It keeps me from feeling balanced and from having foresight because I can never see beyond the current tidal wave is this and I like as I was thinking about it today, I think that it’s wrapped up in emotion. But maybe there’s also time blindness wrapped up I like the truth is I was only diagnosed like it’s been less than a year. I’m still figuring out the medication thing that I really related to you on that point. But like, just as an example, I had companies stay with me for the last seven days they left yesterday early in the morning. And while they were here, it’s I was just consumed with it. I even like I did have like I had some work to do and stuff like I took a couple of days off to spend with them, but I had some work to do and like I Like, I got the work done. And then they left. And I’m like, It’s January 1, like, it feels like it’s January 1, and like, Okay, what is life? What am I doing? You know. And like another example last year I, because I, I’m self employed also. So last year, I would do a big project, like I’d have a webinar or whatever, then the webinar wouldn’t be done. And I would look at my calendar be like doing a workshop tomorrow. And like, I It’s like, I was so consumed with the webinar, I forgot what was coming up next. So like to fix that I got a calendar on my wall so that I can physically see the things coming up in the future. But there’s still this very emotional element to it. Where it’s like, I feel like I’m swallowed, I’m swallowed. And then I just that n, that thing ends and I come up for air, then I get swallowed again. And then that ends and I come up for air and see what the

Kristen Carder 41:09
problem is with that. What’s the problem? Like? I’m hearing Yeah, but I’m not. Yeah, problems. Yeah, well.

I mean, there was a problem when you were like, shoot, I’m doing a workshop tomorrow.

Coaching 1 41:25
You saw that problem? I did. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what’s

Kristen Carder 41:29
the problem with being like, swallowed, and then coming up for air, and then swallowed and coming up for air? Unpleasant? Yeah,

Coaching 3 41:37
I’m about unpleasant. Um, because it feels unbalanced. And the other thing is, I feel like it makes it hard for me to plan for the future because I’m so consumed in this present moment. But it’s not it’s not a peaceful, it’s not a it’s not peaceful. It’s turmoil and like, like, like the the, the metaphor that came to me for it was a tidal wave. I mean, you know, how Tidal Waves Are they just, like bowl you right over. Not that I’ve ever been. But you know how powerful the ocean is like that’s like, like, can I be consumed in a warm blanket? You know? What would that be like? That would be more fun.

Kristen Carder 42:22
Okay, tell me. So you said it’s unpleasant. It feels like turmoil. Yeah, can you tell me so if turmoil is the emotion Where where is that in your body?

Coaching 3 42:34
Oh, oh, I’m very much brain ride

Kristen Carder 42:40
that. Maybe it’s not turmoil. Maybe it’s something else. So just like go to that emotion of you being swallowed. Hey,

Coaching 3 42:49
well, yeah, it’s brand. It’s frantic. Yeah, it’s frantic. It’s like I listened to your episode on chaos. That was the most recent the two ones you just did in the private channel chaos. And then there was the other one. They were both like very applicable to this

Kristen Carder 43:11
in your body go to front. Yeah. Yeah. You feel it? Yeah.

Coaching 3 43:15
She’s like, When can I leave? Please?

Kristen Carder 43:21
Talk about it. I don’t want to

Coaching 3 43:25
it’s in my head. And also like a little bit upper chest a little bit throat but it’s it’s in my head. Because thoughts are just zooming around.

Kristen Carder 43:38
And what what do you think is the primary thought causing the emotion of frantic?

Coaching 3 43:53
Or you can give me a couple. Yeah, it’s like, what do I have to do next? What’s happening now? Is everything okay? Where Where do I need to be now? Oh my god. I like ketchup, Ketchup, ketchup. Like that sort of like growing up. My mom she stayed home mom made everything we ever ate from scratch, like processed foods. Never. And like they were there. They’re a sin, you know, anyway.

And the thing is, is like she’s a fabulous cook very, very good. Um, but every time she opened the oven, she screamed every time because it was like, it’s working. And of course, it’s never burning like that happened once you know. But it’s this belief that like, everything is always going wrong. Everything is always like, like every meal is going to be destroyed somehow, you know, and wasn’t It never like never. And it leads this fallacy and like we like I’ve spent my life reassuring my mom like mom like this food is delicious. Mom, you do know how to cook. You know? Like you know,

Kristen Carder 45:17
the one that actually needs reassurance I mean, I’m

Coaching 3 45:27
grounded coming into this.

Kristen Carder 45:29
I’m on my monitor. I’m trying to engulf you. I’m trying to swallow you. In my head. Who is the one that needs insurance? Assurance reassurance?

Coaching 3 45:44
Yeah, perhaps I’m just looking at a mirror.

Kristen Carder 45:47
It’s you. You need that reassurance. I want you to really that’s just sit with this your life is the perpetual opening up the oven and screaming.

Yeah, absolutely. Like nothing wrong.

Coaching 3 46:09
Yeah. Cool.

Kristen Carder 46:15
What’s that emotion that’s coming up for you now?

Because it’s different. Yeah, no,

Coaching 3 46:21
I’m feeling I guess. Acceptance. Ease peace.

Yeah. Yeah.

Because it is true. Like, I mean, I have a great life due to when you

Kristen Carder 46:38
notice a specific problem, such as, Oh, I forgot about the workshop tomorrow because I’ve been consumed for the webinar. You solved. You solve it,

Coaching 3 46:50
right. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Like, I’m very as I’m sure. All of us are, like, very good at that. That. saw me in a state of urgency. Like, I’m an expert at that.

Kristen Carder 47:07
Yeah, I mean, to say something a little bit brutal already. It was never your job to reassure your mom. Yeah.

But it is your job to learn how to reassure yourself.

Yeah, just be like, Honey, we’re okay.

Yeah, I got us.

I’m gonna make sure that we we do the things. Yeah. I also want to mention something that Libby said in the chat, which I’m sure it passed by you, which is good. It’s appropriate that you’re not really looking at it. But she said, it almost seems like time blindness put some of us in a fictional future. And others in an all consuming present. Wow. Yeah. I wonder if if your time blindness kind of pops you? Or like, Hold you into an all consuming present? Yeah. It’s like, Yeah, this is the only thing I can see.

Coaching 3 48:16
That that is exactly it. Yeah. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 48:20
I’m working to the next thing. Yeah. And then I get there, and then boom, the next most urgent thing, and then boom, the next month. So it’s just like, I want you to know that that’s actually normal.

Yeah. For people with ADHD. Yeah. All consuming present. Normal. Hmm. So

I think that what you might want to do is take some executive sessions where you say, Okay, I know, naturally, I’m kind of stuck in this present all the time. Yeah, that’s going to be normal and natural for me. But let me take an executive session, and think about my future. I want you to build time on your calendar

to plan for the future. Because what’s happening now is it’s not happening naturally. And then you’re judging yourself for it. Like, I’m not even planning for the future. I don’t even know it’s like, Well, okay, because you’re going to actually have to carve that out, put it on your calendar, follow through with that, or it’s not going to happen. 

Coaching 3 49:35
You know, what this is causing me to realize is I came here with a problem. And I think in fact, there’s two distinct things happening. One of them is this failure to be able to see beyond the present moment and that That’s a reality. Like, I can accept that. And I can plan for it with the very tactical strategies like like my calendar here. Yeah, and the executive sessions you’re describing. So that’s that. The other very separate and more pertinent problem that I wasn’t accurately perceiving is the emotional state that creates my experience of being consumed. That’s, it’s that opening the oven and screaming, that’s, that is the thing that is going to be the game changer, which is like creating that safety and peace within myself and reassuring myself. Like, it’s time for me to turn, turn, like open a new a new page, and say, Mom, which is really hard, because she’s now becoming demented. And so I now have this like, extra layer of feeling like I need to be your caregiver like, times 10. So I all work through that. That’s like a whole other kettle of fish. But the bottom line is like, I’ve spent my life reassuring my mom, I’ve spent my life reassuring my mom, and now it’s time for me to, you know, look in the mirror and reassure myself instead of my mom.

Kristen Carder 51:26
Like mind blowing right through my mom. Mind blowing, like, that’s so beautiful. So beautiful.

Coaching 3 51:40
Thank you for helping me uncover that and see that this this was really, you know, like, powerful. 15 minutes.

Kristen Carder 51:53
15 minutes, y’all. Bam. We’re gonna get it done. I want you to know that that journey is a brutal journey.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But knowing that it was never your job. And now you can turn back the reassurance to the person who owns it. It’s almost like this, like ownership that you’re giving to someone else. Like, I’ll take the reassurance that belongs to me and give it to someone else. Another grown up. And I think that’s key. It’s a grown person, right? We’re not talking about a child. I’m talking about a grown person who’s actually in charge of themselves. And so being able to see like, No, this belonged to me all along. Yeah. And now I’m going to implement it for me as the owner of it along to you all along. So now just go ahead and is that selfish to take something that is actually yours?

Yeah, that’s that’s selfish. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, okay. I mean, this,

Coaching 3 53:13
this feels doable, but I know it’s going to be like it. Persistence is whatever it will take. Yeah. 

Kristen Carder 53:22
And I just find like, when you feel frantic? Yeah. When not if it’s gonna happen. Yeah. Probably in five minutes. You’re gonna have a new screen? Yeah. You’re going to say, we’re okay. Take things fine.

I got you, and you’re gonna ground yourself. Yeah. And then five minutes later, you’re gonna feel frantic again. Because right now your nervous system is primed for frantic.

Coaching 3 53:54
It. Totally, totally. And like that, that started happening. When I like the minute I was born, essentially. And mom opened the oven and screamed every time you know, like, every time and so like, of course, like, I’m like, Whoa, what’s going on? You know? So I think what I want to do, because visuals really helped me I think the next time I have that feeling, I’m going to picture the open oven and like a peach cobbler like mom’s peanut hauler unit, right? Yeah, or her famous lasagna, which is perfection every time. You know. Ya know, like, the lasagna is perfect.

Kristen Carder 54:45

so, picture and maybe even say out loud, nothing’s burning.

Coaching 3 54:53
You know, I’m gonna breathe in and inhale the scent of peach cobbler

Kristen Carder 55:00
Peach cobbler smells amazing. Yeah.

The candle that somebody sent her a Yankee Candle. Yeah. This was so powerful. Yeah. Yeah. Really appreciate. Really. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Oh, my goodness, what can be done in a 15 minute period just sometimes blows my mind. Thank you. To all of you. This is just such a privilege.

Hello Dear listener, I hope that you thoroughly enjoyed this coaching call and that you were able to apply that coaching and encouragement to your own life. I am back here to remind you that if you’d like to join my ADHD coaching program focused, you can head to I have adhd.com/focused And make sure to use the code focus 25 to get 25% off your first month’s membership fee, which is the value of $50 It’s my gift from me to you. Happy Christmas in July. I’ll see you next week. Bye bye. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization productivity time management, emotional regulation. You know all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created focused for you. Focus is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program and I’m confident that you will to go to I have adhd.com/focus for all details

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