This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it’s around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides, we’re done for the day. We’re done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That’s when I reach for Cure Energy. It’s a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes. So I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid vi that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and acai berry flavors are my current go tos. Crisp, refreshing, and they don’t taste fake, y’. All. They don’t taste fake. I’ll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly, I. I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. 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Visit t mobile.com. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristin Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships with, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you’re listening to the I have ADHD podcast episode number 170. I am medicated, I am caffeinated and I am ready to roll. How are you? How are you? Welcome to the podcast. It is so good to be here with you today. I’m so grateful that you press play on this podcast episode. I really do believe that this episode is going to change your life forever. So how’s that for an intro? It’s pretty good, right? Turn up the volume because this episode is everything. If you struggle to maintain and sustain, sustain your improvements and your good results over the long haul, this episode is going to be the solution to that. So many of us ADHDers feel like we’re constantly taking two steps forward and three steps back. Just like Paula Abdul, but not as much fun. Over and over and over. One of the major reasons for this is because when we do make improvements, which we are totally capable of by the way, when we do make improvements, it’s actually way more uncomfortable than we anticipated. So so much more uncomfortable than we anticipated. And so our brains go to work to sabotage those good improvements, those good results so that we can get back to what’s familiar. And listen, what’s familiar is often not what’s comfortable. But your brain cares more about familiar than it does about being comfortable. So yeah, your brain does want to be comfortable, but it cares most about familiarity because what is familiar feels most safe. And the brain’s job is to keep you safe. So even if being in debt is uncomfortable, if it’s what is most familiar, your brain will work hard to keep you in debt. Even if being in an emotionally abusive relationship is uncomfortable, if it is what is familiar to you, your brain will work hard to keep you in that relationship or in relationships like that. Even if weighing 400 pounds is uncomfortable, if it is what is most familiar to you, your brain will work hard to keep you there. Right, you get the point. So today is all about the strategy of noticing and allowing the discomfort that comes with making improvements in your life. And there are a lot of discomforts that come with that. And then interrupting the self sabotage cycle so that you can sustain and maintain the good results that you want. This is everything. Everything, everything. This is oh my gosh I wish I had Learned this story 20 years ago, but I didn’t. And now here we are today and I’m so glad that I’ve been able to learn this and now I’m able to pass it on to you. This is a class that I taught in Focused and I do a little bit of drawing on like my fancy Dancy whiteboard. So you might have to use your imagination for some of this. But I’m telling you it’s life changing stuff so don’t give up if you can’t fully picture what I’m talking about. There will be so much, so much content in there that you can grab and use to change your life. And speaking of focus, you need to know that my ADHD coaching program is the bomb and clients are raving about it. My client Carmen said recently this is the first time that I don’t feel like an outsider in a group of people like wow. She says. I’ve never had real community before and I didn’t know what it felt like until now. Now Kristen Carter just popping in here to say that I get a lot of emails of people that want one on one coaching from people who really think that like one on one coaching is a better fit for them. But I want to offer that the legend, Dr. Hallowell himself says that ADHDers really need a group, a welcoming and open group in order to heal many of their rejection, sensitivities and negative self talk. So anyway, Carmen goes on to say with focused I feel like I can actually practice the skills that neurotypical people have and get better at them. I’ve stopped judging myself so harshly. My self talk is so nurturing instead of critical and I’m able to actually observe my thoughts. I never thought I’d be able to do this. So awesome. First of all, well done, Carmen. She’s the one putting in all the hard work, which is awesome. It’s so good. So if you’re an adult with adhd, even if you’re self diagnosed, I invite you to join us in my focused ADHD coaching program. Let me support you. Let this group welcome you in and show you how not alone you are. You won’t be disappointed. Okay, my loves, here’s all the juicy details on how to stop self sabotaging. All right, so we’re talking about self sabotage today. What is it? Why do we do it? How do we even recognize it? That’s what we’re chatting about today. One of the reasons why I think it is so important for us to come back to this concept over and over and over and over is because ADHDers often get stuck in a spin cycle of plateauing, improving a little bit, really feeling a lot of discomfort, self sabotaging, going back down to the plateau. And so what that looks like is, oh my goodness, I went to the gym, I worked out five times in a row, and then all of a sudden I just like, don’t know why, but I’m not doing it anymore. Or I’ve been really engaged with focus for a month, but now all of a sudden I’m just like not doing it anymore. I just don’t understand why. I’ve been so good spiritual practice and now all of a sudden I’m not sure what’s happening, but I’m just not doing it anymore. And I just can’t seem to be consistent and I just can’t seem to follow through on things. Does this sound like anybody? Does this sound like anybody? Okay, so you’re like, that’s why I’m here. In my opinion, this is a cycle of self sabotage. And so we’re going to be talking all about that today. It’s very insidious. It’s often quite hard for us to spot because it just feels so real in the moment. And the thoughts that come into our brain just feel so believable. And so I want to continually be just putting this in front of you over and over and over so that you have the opportunity to kind of search through your life and figure out ways in which you tend to self sabotage. Okay, so the first place that I want to start is in talking about a set point. Okay. And the way that I define a set point is essentially like your comfort level, like the familiar place that you’re used to being your set Point is the familiar place that you’re used to being. So all of us, let’s talk about it in terms of money. All of us have a money set point. It’s very interesting how this works, but have you ever noticed that no matter how much money you’ve earned or how much money you’ve spent, you always seem to come back into the same kind of like, oh, I always seem to have just about X amount of money in my bank account. I always seem to just kind of like, level out at X amount of money. So even if I, let’s say, you know, get a gift or a tax return or something like that, like at the end of the day, so to speak, at the end of the month, the end of the year, I always seem to have the same amount of money. Just like not getting ahead. Anyone or all of us have a comfort level when it comes to our weight, a weight set point. It does not necessarily mean that we are happy with the weight that we are, but it just means that it is the familiar place that our body and our brain are used to being. I am used to seeing myself at this weight. I am used to my body feeling a certain weight. I am used to wearing certain clothes. We have this familiarity. So I want you to recognize that as a set point. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re happy with your weight or the amount of money that you have. What it means is it feels familiar. It feels, and I’m going to use a very important word here, it feels safe. Your set point is your point of safety. This was really, really big, and we’re going to carry this into the whole class. Your set point, that familiar point, is your point of safety. So you have X amount of money in your account. That is where you feel most safe. Even if it’s less than you want to have. It feels familiar. It feels safe. This applies to so many different areas of your life, okay? And so it’s kind of like if there’s this, like, scale and we can talk about it in terms of any area of your life, your career, your weight, your money, your relationships, how you’re used to being treated in your relationships. We all have a different set point, okay? It’s like a scale, right? And so for some of you, you’re starting out with a set point. And, you know, let’s say there’s a scale for each area of your life. We all have different set points. And remember, your set point is where it feels familiar and where it feels safe. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re happy with it. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s producing the type of results that you want. It just means that it’s the place of safety and familiarity. Okay. And so if you begin to assess the different areas of your life. So like maybe your set point for your bank account is here, okay. And that means that like at the end of the month, you usually have like $1,000 in your account. Let’s just say, I don’t know, making it up. Okay. And maybe your set point for relationships is like here you’re used to being treated okay, but not great. Okay. And maybe your set point for your career is like way down here where you’re not used to being in a high position. You’re used to being, you know, kind of on the lower level. Right. All right. This is so important to just begin to look at the different areas of your life and assess. Where’s my set point? Where am I comfortable? Where does it feel familiar? Where are my patterns? Just really hard to self assess as an ADHDer, which is why you are in this program and we are doing it together. Okay? So I want you to understand the pattern that usually happens. What usually happens is we’re at a set point and then we want to make some improvements so we improve. But what happens when we improve is that our brain. So like now we’re here, our brain is like, wait, this doesn’t feel comfortable and it doesn’t feel familiar because I’m used to being down here in my comfort zone. Okay. Of my set point. And so what happens then is we get begin to experience a lot of discomfort. Dun, dun, dun. Lots and lots of discomfort. And really, this is comfort, cognitive dissonance. What’s happening here is cognitive dissonance. Because we are experiencing all of this discomfort and cognitive dissonance, our brain starts sending us messages, really sneaky messages that sound really true and really beautiful and really amazing. And what we end up doing is. Is self sabotaging so that we can get back to our original set points. Right? So you see what’s happening here. We’re at a set point. It’s where we feel familiar. We decide, I’m going to make some changes, I’m going to improve, let’s say I’m going to go up for that promotion. I’m going to go for that promotion that I think I really deserve. You go up for the promotion, you get the job, you get the promotion. It’s like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. But then it starts to feel very uncomfortable. There’s a lot of imposter syndrome. There’s a lot of fear. There’s a lot of fear of failure. There’s a lot of thoughts of like, I don’t think I can do this. I’m not going to handle it. I can’t be consistent. There’s no way I’m going to be able to follow through. And so one way or another, we figure out how to sabotage and lose that promotion, not do a good job. And all of a sudden we’re self sabotaging back down to our original set point because it feels very comfortable and familiar. Another example, we’re at our money set point. Maybe we save and save and save and save and save and save and save. We do an amazing job saving. All of a sudden we have $20,000 in our bank account and our brain starts to look at that $20,000 and say, you know what I should do? I should probably buy a new car. You know what I should do? I should probably, whatever, fill in the blank. It just offers up this idea, all these ideas to get that $20,000 out of your account because you’re not used to seeing it there. Your brain is like, this doesn’t belong here, this doesn’t belong here. What’s this doing here? And it starts to feel really uncomfortable. There’s some cognitive dissonance. And so all of a sudden we are like spending so much money to get rid of that money. And it’s not a conscious thought. It’s not like I feel uncomfortable. And so I would like to get rid of this money so that I don’t have to handle the discomfort of it being there. It is not a conscious thought. Instead it’s more like, oh, you know, would be so cool. I should go to Europe. That’s what it sounds like. Without realizing, like, I’m just, I’m in, in 15 minutes of buying flights and scheduling Airbnbs, I’m going to get rid of all of this money that I just spent two years saving. Does that make sense? Does that make sense? And because we struggle with impulsivity, Katie is putting out something so important. Because we struggle with impulsivity, when our brain offers up thoughts like, you went to the gym for, for two months in a row. You do not need to go tomorrow. Don’t set your alarm. That’s stupid. You’ve gone for two months. You don’t need to go tomorrow. When it starts to offer up thoughts like this because of our impulsivity, we don’t take that stop and think moment to Be like, wait a second, is this going to serve my long term goal or not? Right. Carol says I’m reading her mind. Love it. Okay. Yep. So Jessa just said, at first I didn’t think I did self sabotage, but now I realize I just don’t recognize it when it happens. Exactly. Exactly. That’s why we have this class so often, because it is so difficult to recognize on our own. We need to be constantly reminded that self sabotage thoughts actually sound like, you’ve been so good with your. Like, any of you who have, like, gluten intolerance, who get really, really sick eating gluten and your brain, like, just once in a while is like, I mean, you’ll be fine. Like, maybe you won’t get sick this time. Frickin brain is not used to you being consistent. It’s not used to you following through. It’s not used to you being really firm with your boundaries on your gluten. And so it’s just really like, offering up, like, I mean, like, pizza this time is. Is totally fine. And then you get a stomachache and then you feel horrible because your body can’t even process it. Right. Molly just said, omg, I just did this last night with the gluten intolerance thing. Yeah. Like, for those of you who have food sensitivities, like, where it’s not a complete allergy, where it’s like, if I eat this, I’m going to die. I really feel for those of you who have sensitivities, because it’s like your brain probably works so hard to convince you to get off of your diet. That feels really, really good for your own body. Okay. I don’t know why I just talked about that, but I just. I feel like self sabotage can be found in that a lot. And what’s so interesting is that, like, for example, if you are totally killing it at work and you’re doing a great job, and you’re doing a great job, sometimes your brain will want to bring in, like, let’s just have this pizza tonight, even though we’re gluten intolerant or even though we can’t process dairy, and that makes me sick for work tomorrow. So I can’t actually go to work tomorrow and continue killing it at my job. Do you see how sneaky our brains can be? Do you see that? It’s like our brains will use a different area of our life to sabotage the one place that we are succeeding. Super sneaky. Okay. Why does our brain want to do that? Because doing something new and unfamiliar is dangerous to our brains. It’s like this is uncharted territory. Juliet says, I really feel like this is what’s happening to me right now with my new career. Yeah. Anytime we take this new step and we change the set point, our brain experiences major cognitive dissonance. Because what happens is our results, our current results go above where our set point is used to being. It doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t feel familiar. And so there’s a lot of discomfort, a lot of cognitive dissonance, and a lot of like your brain trying to be like, this is not where we belong. This is not where we belong. We need to go back down. We need to go back down to safety, back down to familiarity. Okay, any questions so far? I always self sabotage with signing up for a huge amount of courses, webinars, books, and feel overwhelmed and then don’t do the thing that I thought I needed the strategy or fix like a form of procrastination. Or am I not good enough and need to look for external things to fix me? It seems to me that your brain wants the dopamine hit of the purchase and the release belief of like, this might actually be the thing, but the follow through of it, the work of it. That’s where either self sabotage comes in or the procrastination comes in and it’s just like, eh, this isn’t really worth it. It’s probably this other shiny beautiful thing over here. No, it’s probably not that. It’s probably this. But it sounds like the signing up and the purchasing part is where you’re getting some major dopamine mean from. Yeah, like this is going to change my life. But then you never actually give it an opportunity to change your life because you’re not actually doing the thing. Okay, Shawnee asks, how does poor habit retention play into this? So many of my flubs don’t appear to be discomfort. I just randomly drop and pick up habits without realizing it and I go in circles instead of making progress. Example, I have heat intolerance. So if it is too hot, I can’t exercise. And then I suddenly realize it’s been two weeks. Okay, Shani, I’m curious and I know you and I are not having a face to face convo here, but I’m curious. What if, if it’s too hot, I can’t. Exercise is actually the problem, the thought problem. What if that’s the thought that your brain uses to get you off course instead of solving that problem? Like it could be true, it could be Like I have this medical condition. My body temperature can’t get above X degrees. But like the question is how do I solve for that problem? Instead of saying like well it’s too hot, the end. Does that make sense? Do you see how that thought that just seems so believable? Well, it’s just heat intolerance. Sorry, I can’t do it. Doesn’t allow you to solve for it. Like, could be a legit medical condition. No problem at all. But like how do we solve for that? Is there a pool we can use? Is there an air conditioned space we can use? Can we work out in the shower on cold? I have no idea. Yes, Shani is saying I actually do have medical condition, totally legit. But I haven’t figured out a remedy. That’s the thing. When we have this thought of just like, well, this is just it. Well, it’s raining so I can’t go for a run or whatever. Exercise is not a good example for me because I don’t exercise. It’s like not something that I am choosing to care about. I just like, I go for walks when I want to. So like me using an exercise examples like don’t take anything I say as gospel here. But, but do you notice how we make our brains make these excuses? Like, well, I mean like as soon as you get into a habit, your brain wants to get you off of it, right? And it gets you off of it with something that is very true. And this is what I want you to all be on the lookout for. Listen, this is what I want you to all be on the lookout for. Your brain knows that it has to give you like actual truth in order to sabotage you. So something like I have heat intolerance and it’s too hot out. It’s too hot is true, right? Like truth. You have an actual medical condition. Heat intolerance, truth. The temperature is X degrees outside. But what I want you to notice is what it wants you to do is just be like, oh, well I guess I’m done then. Instead of like, oh, okay, so I have heat intolerance and it’s hot outside. How do I solve that problem? What am I going to do about it? Because not reaching my goal isn’t an option. If not reaching your goal isn’t an option, then what? Okay, this is, this is going to be big. Ready? So many of you are giving yourselves the option to reach your goals or the option to follow through. For example, Shani, I’m just using you as an example, okay? If it’s not Too hot out. Then I’ll exercise. You’re giving yourself the option not to follow through. If gas prices don’t continue to increase, then I will save money this month. Whatever. I’m just making stuff up. If I don’t have any parties planned, then I will go to bed at a reasonable time this month. Literally making stuff up on the spot. How many of you are giving yourselves the option to stick to what you say you’re going to do? Yeah. Why? Why is there an option? I don’t like struggling so good. I’m waiting for a time to be inspired. You’ll be waiting so long. So long. Inspiration is fleeting. Okay, okay. How do I raise my set point? I’m going to get to that in the second half of this class. Can you briefly explain cognitive disson? Here’s what cognitive dissonance feels like. Cognitive dissonance to me feels like intense discomfort, borderline nausea, and a lot of. A lot of intrusive thoughts. Oh, I don’t think this is going to work. I don’t think I’m cut out for this. Oh, this doesn’t make sense. Cognitive dissonance. Most of the time when you’re experiencing imposter syndrome, that’s cognitive dissonance. I told them I could do this thing, but I don’t think I can do it. It’s your brain being like, are you sure? Because this seems dangerous. Are you sure you can take that promotion? Are you sure you can save $1,000? Are you sure you’re the right person to do this? And then all of the intrusive thoughts come of, like, I’m not cut out for this. I don’t think this is going to work. I don’t think I’m not going to be able to be consistent. They’re going to be mad at me. They’ll just be disappointed. In the long run, all of that stuff starts coming in. It doesn’t usually happen when we’re at our set point. Ironically, when we’re at our set point, we’re like, gosh, I wish I wasn’t here. So annoying. Brains are so annoying. Brains are annoying. But if we have the awareness, if we have the awareness, then we can just be like, oh, brain, I see what you’re doing. I want you to begin to take a position of watching yourself think. I want you to begin to take the position of the watcher of your own brain. Just notice what’s happening. Oh, I noticed that my brain is doing this. I notice that my brain is telling me that I should just, like, not attend the focus class that I do have the time and the space and the energy to attend. But, like, it’s telling me that, like, I shouldn’t bother. This topic doesn’t really relate to me. Or I could just, like, I’ll catch tomorrow’s class. I don’t need to go to this class. Like, just watch your brain offer you up all of those options to help you stay comfortable. I’m doing air quotes here for anybody who’s watching the replay. Safe, familiar, and not putting out too much energy. All right. I create opportunities for myself and then when it’s time to take the next step, I freeze and hide behind making the right decision first. Yes. So this is one of the things that we do a lot is wanting to know the outcome of the decision before we’re willing to make the decision. And that’s not how decisions work, which is really annoying. Like, I wish they did. I wish we could just know, like, oh, yeah, like, if I make this decision, this is going to happen. If I make this decision, this is going to happen. And so here’s the decision I’m going to make. But we don’t get to do that. We have to take the information that we have. We have to make an informed decision and tolerate the discomfort of not knowing. Tolerate the discomfort of potential failure. It sucks. Being human is hard. It’s not for everybody. Okay, so Naila is saying, I mean, you’re already working on a project and you keep telling yourself you can’t complete the project, basically. Imposter syndrome, I guess. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, yeah, okay. So your brain is like, we can’t do this, we can’t do this. And you’re like, you know you are doing it. It’s kind of like if you’ve. If anybody in the room here has birthed a child before, I had the Privilege of birthing 3. And all three times I was like, I can’t do it, I cannot do it. And my midwife would always look at me and say, you are doing it. And we would go back and forth. I would be like, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this. And she would look at me say, you are doing it, you are doing it, you are doing it right now. And I think that that is an amazing response. You are doing it. This is you doing it. You’re doing awesome. Keep going. You’re doing it. And I think, Naila, that that would be really helpful to you. Like, your brain is saying, we can’t do This. I can’t finish this. I can’t finish this. And you just responding like a gentle but firm midwife. You are doing it. Keep going. You’re doing it. Who better than you? That’s a question that I love. And I think that that would really apply to this. Who better than you? Who do you want? Who else do you want to do this? Who better than you to do this? Let’s go. Who better than you to birth your baby? Who better than you to finish this project for your boss? You want your colleague to do it and have the credit for it? Who better than you? Who better than you to pay off your debt? Nobody else is going to do it. Who better than you? Who better than you to save $10,000? Nobody. It’s you. Go. I think that that would be a beautiful thing for you to say to yourself. Who better than you? I love it. All right, you guys, let’s talk about how do we raise our set point? How do we interrupt a self sabotage cycle? So we have this goal to go to bed by 11pm and let’s say that we spend two weeks doing it. Okay, let’s say we spend two weeks. So what are the thoughts that come at you when your brain is trying to get you off course? It’s Friday. You don’t have to. This doesn’t really matter. I don’t feel like it. One night won’t hurt. How do you feel when you think the thought one night won’t hurt? Free, Excited, Rebellious. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I can do one night. Self assured. Yeah, Relief. Let’s use relief. So you have the thought one night won’t hurt. You have the emotion of relief. And then your actions are, let’s just say stay up till one and then we sleep later than we want and then we’re grumpy the next day. And then what do you tell yourself after you’ve, you know, the one night won’t hurt situation? What do you tell yourself after that? Judge and shame ourselves. Right? And then it’s like, yep, I can’t get back on track. Exactly. Like I’m already off. There’s no point in getting back on track. There’s no point. And then the cycle continues and your result is one night totally hurts. Do you see how this thought right here is just the really sneaky self sabotage thought. Now your other ones were really sneaky as well. We just need to watch one more episode. I haven’t been productive enough to go to bed yet. I don’t feel like it. This doesn’t really matter. Now here’s how we interrupt a self sabotage cycle. We allow those thoughts to be present. This doesn’t really matter. One night won’t hurt. I’m just going to watch one more episode. We allow those thoughts to be present and we don’t change the plan. We watch the thoughts come in. We watch the thoughts come in. We’re like, oh, there it goes. There goes the brain trying to sabotage. It’s telling me one night won’t hurt. Oh, my brain just said we should watch another episode. Isn’t that funny? Oh my gosh. My brain says that this is stupid and that this is the only alone time I get, so I should totally stay up. Okay, tell me how you feel when I say allow those thoughts. Just. They’re there. The thoughts come, but you still go to bed at 11. What feeling do you have? What feeling do you have? So the thought comes, no, you’re not feeling proud yet because you haven’t done the thing before. Proud before, proud. The thoughts come, but you’re like, no, we’re not changing the flam. The. The flam wants a new one. Okay, I want you to know that that is the cognitive dissonance. It’s that yucky feeling. It’s that. No, that fear, that resentment, that irritation, all of that, that anxiety. That’s the cognitive dissonance of your brain saying, it doesn’t matter. This is not a big deal, it’s just whatever. What are you like a child that you have to set a bedtime? So stupid. And then you just don’t change the plan? Yes, exactly. Barb. She’s already got the next step. The thoughts come and you just surf whatever emotion comes up. Stop. Let the feeling unfold. Allow it to recede. Follow the original plan. Do you see? Surf it. You feel resentful. Surf it. Right, I’m gonna stop here. Wow, I really notice a lot of resentment. It’s coming up for me. Oh gosh, that feels terrible in my body. Right. And then you allow it to unfold and then it will eventually seed and then you follow the original plan. I am so glad that you guys are loving this class. I’m so glad. Okay, the only way not to self sabotage is to let that discomfort happen. So for example, let’s say your set point is bed at 1am you’re trying to change it to 11pm you’re going to experience all of the discomfort and terrible thoughts. Okay, now you have a choice here. See the up and down, up and down, up and down. You can either it’s like choose your own ending surface, go to bed at 11, or you can self sabotage and go back down to bed at 1am do you see what I’m saying? Okay, so your set point is like bed whenever the heck I feel like it. If it’s 2am, that’s totally fine. You’re trying to create a result of, no, we go to bed at 11 or whatever your time is, right. We go to bed at. We go to bed at 11pm all of the thoughts and feelings come. No, this is so stupid. Resentment and like, fear of, like, I’m going to miss out and fear of whatever, whatever it is that comes up for you. Then your option is right here in this moment of cognitive dissonance where it’s like, I will either surf and not change the plan and keep my results up at this level or I will self sabotage and I will go back to my original safety zone where it feels familiar and I feel like I’m in charge. Juliet says I need Kristen in my living room at 11pm with her whiteboard. I do not consent to that role. Thank you so much. Hilarious. Okay, let’s take five minutes to review and then if there’s any questions in the Q and A that I haven’t answered, I will, I will take those. We’re going to review your set point. We have set points and each area of our lives, and it’s where we feel safe and familiar. We don’t necessarily enjoy it or like it, but that’s where we feel safe and familiar when we try to raise our set point, when we try to move our results up from where we feel familiar, from where our brain is used to being. The brain perceives it as dangerous and as expending too much energy. And it does not want you to expend too much energy because it believes that you’re going to die. But I promise you, if you go to bed at 11pm you actually have less risk of death, not more. Okay? So moving on. Your brain will very sneakily try to get you off course because it doesn’t want you to have these new results because it wants you to stay the same, because it sees evolving as dangerous. Okay? And so what that looks like is a lot of intrusive thoughts that cause a lot of emotion that we’re not used to observing and recognizing. And so what we usually do is just allow those thoughts and emotions to sweep us away and self sabotage our results. And so if we can instead learn to surf those emotions, if we can learn to watch our brains think and watch Our brains serve us up all of these like really interesting thoughts. Like, my brain works so hard to get me off course. It really is fascinating. Like 30 minutes before this call, my. I was just not feeling great. I’m a little bit tired. And I was like, I could probably cancel this call. I had a thought. I could probably go take a nap. Literally. I was like having images of my bed pop into my head. Brains know. They know what we love. I love my bed. But if you can begin to watch your brain and what I like to picture is like a server at a fancy wedding, like all dressed up and like maybe even gloves on, like holding an hors d’ oeuvre platter. Your brain is just like trying to entice you with an hors d’ oeuvre platter of thoughts. Like, just choose a, any one of these thoughts. So I could have chosen. I don’t feel really well. I’m pretty tired. I can’t. I could probably reschedule this call for tomorrow. Any one of those hors d’, oeuvres, if I had just chosen one, would have gotten me off course. But instead I just watched my brain do it. And I was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Look at, look at what is happening right now. Right? And so I was able to just surf the feeling of like, I don’t know, I was kind of like, eh, right. So I stopped and I recognized it. I let it unfold in my body. It was not a pleasant experience. Eventually it did recede. And then I followed through with the original plan. I followed through. I’m so glad I did. Right? But I don’t get to experience that. I’m so glad I did until I’ve already gone through, through the like the yuck of like allowing those thoughts and feelings to be present without changing the plan. Right. Are you with me? So when we are at a comfort level, whatever our result is just very typical. Whatever result is typical for us and we want to improve that result to something else. Our brain is going to go wild and throw tons of thoughts and feelings to get us back down. If we can surf those emotions and watch ourselves think, we can stick to the original plan and keep our results up at this amazing level. If we’re not aware or we’re not willing or we think that our results are optional, then we’ll allow ourselves to self sabotage, which we likely will not. We’re not going to recognize it in the moment, which is why watching ourselves think and really trying to assess is this self sabotage? Am I trying to get myself off course. Am I trying to just interrupt all of the good results that I’ve created for myself over the last week or two or three? If we don’t have that awareness, we will for sure go back down to our original set point, which we don’t really love, but it does feel safe and familiar. All right, let me see if there’s anything else I can answer for you before we go. Katie gives me an A. That’s so funny. Okay. Okay. So Heather says, okay, I was super productive on a portfolio for a set of opportunities I really want on Sunday and Monday. Yesterday I tried the normal tactics, but progress slowed and I got super down slash sad. Today I jumped on YouTube right away. I don’t consider it an option not to do it. I plan on forcing it one way or another. I have my coffee and laptop. It doesn’t feel like brain, but body is tired. Kind of at war with self. That is a great way to explain cognitive dissonance. Kind of at war with yourself. That’s actually a perfect way to describe it. I wish I had had that in my brain before. Thank you so much. Heather made the decision. It’s not an option, but it’s like a physical self exhausted. Yes. Okay, so it does sound like self sabotage to me, Heather. And so what I would do is allow for that tired and then solve for it. Okay, I’m feeling really tired. What’s the solution? How can I help myself here? How can I change my state? How can I get more energy? Like, what do I need? How can I meet my needs so I can follow through on the thing I said I was going to do? How would you distinguish or draw the line between self sabotage and self care? Are you all ready to hear this answer? You look at the results it will provide for you. Self sabotage will always lead you to a negative result. Self care will always lead you to a positive result. Listen, that was profound. You need to hear it. You distinguish between self sabotage and self care in this way. Self sabotage will always lead you to a negative result. Self care will always lead you to a positive result. All right, y’. All. How does one deal with the loss or frustration or anger after you realize you’re self sabotaging for years? You have a really good cry, you validate it and you honor that loss and you give yourself a big hug and you do the work of pardoning your past self. That’s all in the self concept work. Pardon your past self. Then you move on and you don’t let your past keep you dragged down in those results that you don’t love. What a way to end it. Love you guys. Talk soon. Bye. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn’t find anything, so I reached, I researched, and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for your. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will too. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the details.
