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Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay. Save over $390 this holiday season and book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and Achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter and you are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 54. I am medicated, I am caffeinated times two, and I am ready to roll. I turned 39 three days ago. What do you think? Pretty awesome, right? I had a quarantine birthday, which I’m not gonna lie, it made me sad. It made me very, very sad to have a quarantine birthday. I just really feel like every human on the planet should be entitled to go out for chips and guacamole and margaritas on their birthday. And I did not have that luxury. I’m so sad about it, but it is what it is. I had actually a really busy day coaching all day long and then ordered Chinese food with my family, which of course was great. And then sat around on the back porch underneath the pergola. And I may have had a couple visitors come social distance in the backyard outside. I will not name any names. We’re not getting anybody in trouble. But it was really amazing to see humans in real life. This season has not been easy for any of us. I totally, totally sympathize with the entire world right now. It’s just not in a normal place. That’s okay. So. So when life becomes a little bit more normal and all of the things open up, how about we all get together for my birthday, Have a margarita drinks on me. It’s going to be so fun. I have been reflecting on the last year and for those of you who have been following along, I think you’ll understand. Like, I cannot believe how much my life has changed. And I’m going to do a podcast about that soon. Soon. And about the idea of developing a self concept and because when I think about the future version of me, I can’t really picture her right now. I’m not really sure what she does because I’m a little bit confused about, like, all of these changes that are taking place in my life. So one of the things that I’m working on with my coach is developing a self concept and it’s been really fascinating for me. So I think that it will be really fascinating for you too, because I feel like you’re my people. And so I believe that what’s fascinating for me is fascinating for you. Okay, that was weird. Let’s move on. Kristen Carter. I wanted to take just a second and shout out one of my clients in focused. I love this client and here’s why the girl gets it done. She shows up to a call and she gets transformation. It’s so fun to watch. So here’s what happened. A couple weeks ago she showed up to a call, she was, you know, struggling and immediately took action after the call and got the result that she wanted. So here’s what she posted in Slack, like just hours after a call where she was coached. She said good news to everyone who just watched the coaching call. My boss just responded to my email specifically picking which items need to happen first and she said she already cleared pushing back one of the projects with another boss. Turns out asking for help from your boss is okay. Thanks Kristen Carter for the coaching and encouragement. Kaitlyn, you are amazing. You show up, you get coached, you take action and you get results. This is the power of coaching, you guys. It is amazing. I’ve seen it in my own life. It is incredible to think back on the last two to three years of my life and how different it is today than it was just two or three years ago. It is absolutely crazy. I chalk it up to two things. Number one, the grace of God. I am so thankful for the privilege of this life and good health and all of that. Number two, coaching. By far, it’s the most transformational thing in my life. It’s incredible. So it’s so fun to see that in myself and believe it about myself and then also see it in my clients. Like that they are getting the results for themselves as well. It is so fun. Today I have for you the second half of my conversation with Greg Carter, the love of my life, the man of my dreams. Last week we laughed, we chatted, we joked and about how interesting it is to live with someone with adhd. And you guys reached out to me about that episode and I heard from a lot of you that it was really relatable, helpful, funny. You laughed along with us and I’m so glad to hear that. This second half of the conversation is pretty deep. It’s all about our, like, specific advice for having a great relationship, a great partnership, even when you are so different and you’re approaching life with two very different brains. I hope that you love this and find it to be super valuable. I’m going to check back in with you at the end, but here’s part two of my conversation with Greg. Enjoy. One of the main reasons why I wanted to do this podcast is because I have a lot of clients and we talk about marriage or relationship a lot. And so There’s a lot of people who are either partnered also with adhder or someone who’s neurotypical, and there’s just, like, a lot of conflict and misunderstanding in their marriages. And so that’s, I think, a huge benefit of having you here. And I’m just wondering, besides your interaction with the student that you were speaking of earlier, have there been any other moments that have really been helpful to you in understanding ADHD and being partnered with someone with adhd? Yes. I feel like this is the type of question where you’re supposed to answer, no, everything’s perfect, and the only flaw is that you love too much. Give us the drama. Okay, I want you to dish. Okay. Since you asked, I have three things. Three things. Three things. No, it’s good. It’s good. Okay. Yeah. So things that have really helped me understand and also accept Kristen for the way she is. One we kind of talked about a little bit, but misplaced items. Oh, yeah, we talked about the keys already. But what I didn’t mention before was once I found the TV remote in the refrigerator, and I. Listen, we all know I didn’t do that, so. Oh, my gosh. So, I mean, was it one of the kids? It was before we had kids shoot the TV remote in the refrigerator. So that was cool. Just the other day, I found the jar of chunky peanut butter, a full jar of junky peanut butter in the sink. That I did not. We talked about this. That was not me in the sink. Okay, all right, whatever. But, yeah, misplaced items. You know, that. That’s just the thing, that for all you people out there who are living with or married to someone who has adhd, like, you’re gonna live with that. And that is just. Yeah, that is. That is your reality. And so accept it, because it’s there. Here’s another one that took me. This is probably one of the most recently realized ones in the last, I would say two years is time blindness. Time blindness. That’s a whole thing. I couldn’t even say it. Time blindness. Kristin really struggles to predict how long it’s going to take to get ready for an event. Is that all we should say about that? Oh, you should dish. Here’s the thing. Okay. It’s. It’s like, no, we’re fine. We have plenty of time. And so the whole idea of, like, getting ready, doing your hair, getting dressed, putting makeup on, getting in the car, I don’t. I think I know better than she does how long it’s gonna take for her to get ready for sure you do. To go out to dinner or to just get out the door for work, for sure. Or go to a wedding on a weekend or something like that. But time blindness is a really thing. And also, she might be ready, technically, before the event starts, but I think no matter how far away the location is in her mind, it’s always just five minutes away. And that’s. Wait, that’s not true. We don’t live five minutes from everywhere. We don’t? No. Like, sometimes 30 minutes, sometimes five. I mean, I have no idea. But in your brain, everything’s five minutes away. It’s five minutes away. That’s just around the corner. We’re just gonna get in the car and then we’ll be there. What about that thing I do when I pull into the garage and then I can’t get out of my car? That drives me insane. Because we. Like, not just the garage, but we’ll pull up and we’ll park anywhere, and you’ll just sit there and not get out. The kids have to get out, and we gotta get in the house. And if it’s at night, like, they gotta get to bed, and there’s things we have to carry in. It’s like, come on. It’s really hard. What are you sitting there for? Transition. It’s really, really hard to transition. Yeah. Yeah. Another. One more thing. We got time for one more thing. I mean, we got time for it all. So multitasking is definitely a big one. So, like, one example of that. If she’s typing a text message and I begin asking her a question. Why would you do that, though? Like, why? Well, why would you ask someone a question when they’re. I’m, like, super giggly right now because all my business is coming out. Okay, okay. But, like, why would you, like, start to ask someone a question when they’re clearly typing a text message? Well, I mean, maybe you all can, like, shoot Kristen some messages on what you think is proper etiquette, but, like, oh, you can’t interrupt a phone call because they’re on the line with someone else. But a text message. I just paused that thing. Answer my question. That’s so interesting. But anyway, so when I do begin to ask her a question while she’s typing a text message, her eyes shoot back at me. And my interpretation is that she’s experiencing the physical sensation of pain as she’s hearing me talk. Yes. While she’s concentrating on writing that text. That is accurate. That is 100% accurate. You are so perceptive. That is the truth. Wow. We’ve never talked about that. We’ve never talked about this. It is true. Like, my brain is trying to formulate a sentence and an idea and communicate with someone. And sometimes it’s a text message, but sometimes it’s an email or Instagram DM or whatever. And to stop in the middle of that thought, it’s just like, again, it goes back to transitioning. Like transitioning out of what I’m currently doing into something new. Painful. Painful. So, babe, should we come up with a solution? Like, you know, what do we do? Next time you have a question and I’m typing, I’m like, when we don’t want our kids to interrupt, we tell them to stand next to us, parents patiently, and wait. Gosh, that’s annoying. Like, I’m a man. Yeah, you don’t need to do that. I don’t think I should do that. You are a man. You real man. Okay. I agree with you. So, yeah, I don’t have. We don’t have a solution for you all. No. But that is definitely. So I guess that one’s really more for if you’re out there and you’re living with someone and they look at you in the same way, like they’re experiencing the physical sensation of pain when you want to interrupt their thoughts. Don’t take it personal. That is definitely an effect. Yeah. ADHD for sure. For sure. I would co sign that 100%. It’s not you. I love you. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your question. Especially if your question’s like, do you want a glass of wine? Do you want to order Chipotle? The answer to those questions is going to be always, yes, always, yes. But, yeah, I think that we could probably spend a little bit more time on time blindness. Absolutely. So let’s just pick at that a little bit. Time blindness, I think, affects our relationship a whole lot. One of the things that I know that I do that really annoys you is we’ll get ready to go and we’ll be ready to go. And then when it’s time to leave, I’m laughing. Cause it’s space right now. We’re. When it’s time to actually walk out the door. I remember, like, 17 things that I cannot handle this. Like, okay, I. Our kids go to an elementary school where there’s no busing. And so we live very close to elementary school. And the privilege of living close to this elementary school is that they don’t have any buses, so we have to drop off and pick up our kids and every single day. Which you probably heard about on a previous podcast. Oh, yeah, I complain about that a lot. Yeah. Worth complaining about. But listen, our lives are so good. Yeah. We love our school. Yeah. Our school’s great. To our kids and. But we are trying to get out the door, and all they have to do is put their coat, their shoes, and grab their back, put their coat on, put their shoes on, get their backpack and get out the door, and all of a sudden you’re remembering five things that they have to do. They have to drink this, they have to put this paper in their backpack, they have to. Whatever, fill in the blank. I don’t. I have nothing to say other than yes, that’s true. And I do that. Yeah. Even when the kids aren’t involved. Like when it’s just the two of us. Yeah. Yeah. If we’re just like. If we’re going out to, you know, dinner with friends or if we’re getting. Waking up Sunday morning, going to church, like, whatever. And I honestly don’t even know what it is. I’m standing around waiting. Honestly, in the last two years, until I’ve really come aware and had a framework of thinking about time blindness, I am predicting your moves in my head, just waiting for you to be done. Thinking about all the things that don’t need to be done other than just get out the door. Oh, my goodness. I don’t even know what to say. I think that it might be the urgency of the deadline finally being like one minute away. And then my brain produces finally all of the things that need to be done. Whereas if there’s five minutes, if there’s 10 minutes, if there’s 15 minutes left, the urgency is not there. And so my brain’s not kicking in and giving me all of the things that need to be done. Other than that, I really don’t know what it could be. But that’s a whole thing. And I do that on the regular. I don’t know what else to say about that, man. But we love you. I know. I mean, I am very lovable, but it’s a thing. All right. I think this question is a really, really good one. There are times, I think, when the non ADHD spouse or partner might feel. Feel a little neglected because the partner with ADHD is either hyper focusing on something that they’re really into or maybe really distracted by, you know, whatever going on in their lives. So have you experienced that? Yeah, for sure. Tell me about that. Mostly on the weekends, just when there’s, like, when we’re all home together and you’re trying to play catch up on some work or some things. It’s hard to break you. We talked about this a little bit earlier, but it’s hard to break you. Transition you out of whatever it is that you’re thinking about in that moment to pay attention to me. Like, even when you send me for me to say that out loud. Aww. But it shouldn’t be. Yeah. Even when you send me, like, something funny on Instagram and I’m like, I’m in the middle of my stories, like, I’m catching up and you’re like, just look at it. I’m like, but I’m in the middle of some. It is really hard, that transition. How have we kind of navigated that so that I’m not unreachable? It. Like we said earlier, it takes a lot of work. You have to be committed to your spouse before being committed to anything else. Honestly. I mean, you. You have to care about your family and your marriage more than you care about the assignment or the project or getting work done in order to make this thing work. And so if. And that takes training your brain to. To think. Yeah, to think that first rather than second, that it. If you also takes a level of trust to give your spouse, your partner a little bit of credit. Like, if they’re going to interrupt you, they either have an important reason to, or it’s a time sensitive question, or they simply just don’t understand what it is that you’re working on and the level of concentration that you’re putting into it. So it’s giving them a little bit of credit and a little bit of trust. But it’s also, you have to do some work in yourself too. To say like, okay, this Instagram story that I’m going through can wait. Yes. Because my spouse is talking to me. And they’re more important than this. So that goes to something that we haven’t even touched on, which is priorities. I said that really weird. But prioritizing is something that we do not do naturally. Well, no. And that affects you and people as an ADHDer. So it’s very difficult for the ADHD brain to continually put priority number one in the forefront of their mind so they can say, like, okay, I want this to be my priority. I want my husband to be my priority. But when other things are distracting, when I’m hyper focused, it is very hard. My brain doesn’t naturally call it up and be like, you know, red flag, here’s your priority. He’s talking to You. He’s standing there. It just doesn’t naturally happen. So I love how you said we have to train our brain, because I really think that that is what it. What a very clear picture of what it has to be like. It has to be work to get that priority in the forefront of your mind. But then also, you have just started saying, like, hey, time to focus on me. Yeah. Yeah. Like this morning when I came out of the bedroom after waking up, you know, it was raining where we are today. And so it’s just this kind of dark, dreary, like, morning where it’s. And it’s a Sunday, and so everybody’s home, obviously, and so we’re all in our sweatpants, and. And we’re just taking it slow. And I went out to the couch where Kristen was, and she was go. Just going through your Instagram stories, I guess. And I sat down next to her, intentionally, really close, and she didn’t say anything or look at me or stop what she was doing. And I said something to the effect of, hey, can you put down your phone and say good morning to me? Oh, that hurts so much. I hate that so much. I felt like I acknowledged you and made space for you and snuggled up to you. So it’s so interesting, the different perspectives and reality versus my version of it. In my head, I was like, yeah, no problem. I don’t know. Yeah. So in that moment, I had an opportunity to get really angry if I wanted to, Right? Yep. But I think that that’s one of the things that we’re really committed to is, like, giving each other the benefit of the doubt. And you have to. That takes work. That takes so much work. Because my initial emotional reaction is like, what the heck? But then I’m like, that’s my man. Of course. Like, I really want to, like, think it through. And then, of course, I want to put my phone down. Of course I want to talk to you. I think that’s been one of the most helpful things, and that transitions us really nicely. Like, what advice would you give to couples? For me, the most important thing, I think, is always assuming the best about whoever you have decided to partner yourself with. You partnered with them for a reason, because they were someone that you love and admire, and there are so many good things about them, and they’re still that same person. So believe the best about them. So when something comes up, like, hey, you’re on your phone, and I would love to talk to you, can you put your phone down? Instead of, like, going with the initial reaction which is maybe, like, offense, like, working through it and remembering, like, he loves me, he wants the best for me, he’s a good man. Those are the three things I remind myself over and over. That’s really great. Yeah. And that pays off. Yeah. A lot. When you can really think about the person that you’re with from that perspective. Yeah. I’ll add one to that. For me, one thing that I found really, really helpful in our marriage is when I approach a situation where I see potential for it to crumble or fall apart or lead to an argument or even just something that even might just be more selfishly motivated or just me focused. Right. Rather than something that’s just kind of neutral or nothing at all. I try and ask myself the question, like, what is this argument worth? Because arguments are necessary at certain times and during certain seasons of your marriage, but also, if you’re the kind of couple that. That hasn’t yet figured out how to argue. Well, like, it quickly devolves into, like, name calling and, you know, just hurling things from the past about each other. Like, you need to guard yourself against those things because your partner or your spouse is going to do things that are going to frustrate you because they’re not perfect. And one thing that you can do when you’re living with someone with ADHD who might not have the type of, like, emotional control in the moment is just ask yourself the question, like, what is this argument worth? And am I willing to risk a night and perhaps even the next day by voicing this complaint? So, like, hey, you find the TV remote in the refrigerator. Like, is that worth arguing over? Or is it worth laughing about? About? You know, it’s like, the TV remote was fine, but I would imagine that there’s some people out there who’d be like, how dare you do this? Well, that’s not productive. Yeah, that’s not fun. And so you really just have to ask yourself the question, like, am I about to risk a part of our relationship over something that is in genuinely minor? And we’ve talked about a lot of things already on this podcast. Like, there are some things that you just have to live with when you’re living with somebody, and you have to accept those things. And so I would say, is this something that I just have to accept, or is it worth risking, you know, getting into a brawl about? Because we can brawl, whatever the struggle or the issue is. And so, yeah, that’s it. That’s really good. I love it. Thank you so much for coming. This. I think that this Is my hope is that this is gonna be really validating for some neurotypical spouses, like laughing along as they listen, but then also really, really helpful for couples because, you know, relationships are not easy at all. Nope. And when you add in a neurodiversity like ADHD or whatever the case may be, it complicates it and there’s a lot of potential for bumps in the road and misunderstanding and hurt. And so our hope, both Greg and I, really hope that this is helpful and that you and your spouse find more understanding, more acceptance for each other and for your differences and see how you can kind of leverage, you know, the things that you understand about each other to become things that you can just laugh about and enjoy and fight about, the things that need to be fought about. But we laugh a lot more now. We do. Than we ever, ever, ever used to. Because I think we both took things very personally. Yes. For the first years. Couple years, few years. Yeah. And I think we both really work hard at not taking things as personally anymore. I think, again, like, one of the biggest things is just really being convinced, like, this person is not out to get me. I’m not. I’m not trying to hurt you by, you know, leaving lids off of things, and you’re not trying to hurt me by, you know, bringing things up or reminding me or whatever the case may be. I think that’s really, really important. Cool. Thanks. Any other, you know, last words for all of our friends here, my love? Nope. Nope. Embrace the journey. It’s a good one. Get a lot out of it. It’s pretty awesome. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Thanks for coming. See ya. All right, my friends, what did you think? Was that helpful? I really hope that it was. Enjoy the rest of your day. Make sure that you are believing the best about your partner and assuming that they have good intentions, not bad intentions. I’ll see you next time. Bye. Bye. If you’re being treated for your adhd, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential, you’ve got to join Focused. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted. No matter what season of life you’re in or where you are in the world, Focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the info.
