Kristen Carder:

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll.

How are you? How are you? Come in, come in. Get cozy. What are you doing? What are you up to? I hope that you are getting stuff done around the house, or maybe you are actually resting. And I love that for you, I actually could really use some rest. I realized in the last couple of weeks that it’s been quite some time since I’ve taken true time off. I was sick, as I have lamented to you many times. I was sick several times throughout the winter, and because of that, I didn’t actually take much time off, like for rest, I just was sick in my bed, like, uncomfortable and unhappy, and that doesn’t count as a vacation. So I’ve realized in the last couple weeks that I’ve been super tired and like not being able to recover. And even though I love my work, it’s so meaningful. I love my clients. I love the focus ADHD program. I am still I’m, like, resenting working right now, which is a very clear indicator that I need a break. I’m having resistance to doing things that I don’t normally have resistance to doing, like, just like the normal everyday tasks that are just a part of the job. I’m having a lot of full body resistance to and my friends, that is that is a clear indicator that my body is saying you need to take time off. I wonder if you can relate. I wonder if your body does the same thing when you when you need a break.

So, yeah, we’re going on vacation next week. Actually, it’s just the five of us. We are going away. We’re gonna be completely unplugged. And I cannot wait. I can’t wait. The weather, though, is not supposed to be good. So I’m already, like, mourning that. I’m like grieving. It’s possible that I will be in the Virgin Islands and it will rain every day. That is a possibility. And so what am I going to do? I’m going to read a book. I’m going to play Uno with my kids. I’m going to go for a walk in the rain. I’m going to I’m going to bring a rain jacket. It’s going to be fine, because I will not be at my house and I will not be working, and that is a good thing. I’m just wondering if you need a break. I’m wondering if your body is also giving you cues that you could use some time off. Most of the time that I take time off, I do staycations. I just am at my own home.

About once a year will go away, but normally I’m just at my house resting, recuperating and doing nothing. And our bodies need rest, like pushing through works, but only for a certain amount of time. So if you have PTO, if you have paid time off, or if you can make it work for yourself and your family, take time off. Just do it, even if you have time off but your kids don’t like they’re in school, you you can take time off and sleep all day long while they’re in school. That’s something that I usually do in February. But instead, I laid in my bed and had the flu. I did that. I opted to have the flu instead of take a vacation. I just wanna say thanks for being here. I love that you are here. I love that you’re listening to the audio. I love that you’re here with me on YouTube. We are really working on growing our YouTube channel, and that is work that is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the faint of heart. I was just talking to my producer, Dan about it. It is just not easy to do, especially when you’re just so used to like the audio versions of podcasts, like showing up here on in a studio on a set ad like recording for YouTube is just such a different experience, but I really am enjoying it. I did my first YouTube Live This Week, which was really fun.

About 200 of you came, which was just such a delight. And I think if I’m not mistaken, it is posted to the to the channel, if you want to watch it, I was just in my office, hanging out. It was a little chaotic. It was a little fun, but I enjoyed it, and I want to say thank you so much for those of you who are leaving YouTube comments, Apple reviews, Spotify comments. I did not know that there are comments on Spotify. I’m so sorry. Spotify. People I didn’t know. I didn’t know. So I discovered that there were Spotify comments. I think I saw it like somebody else talking about it on Instagram. And I was like, wait what? And I immediately went to the I have ADHD podcast, and was looking for comments. And I was like, Oh my gosh, there are people commenting on episodes. I’m obsessed. I read every single one I am obsessed. So thank you for leaving comments. Thank you for engaging. I wanted to read for you a very kind Apple podcast review, because the last one that I mentioned was slightly unhinged, and y’all, you guys called into the voicemail to encourage me. You reached out to me on Instagram to encourage me. You even Left Podcast reviews.

Being like that is not true. It was just really kind of you, and I appreciate you so much. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can go back and listen. But there was a slightly unhinged podcast review, which is fine. From time to time, to time, we’re gonna get those unhinged reviews, but I wanna read this one from Mrs. Bear. Bear, which is an adorable name. She says this podcast has been the validation and information that I have needed since receiving my ADHD diagnosis last year. Just understanding what the symptoms are and how they manifest has allowed me to better connect with everyone around me. I am so thankful for this podcast is helping me to make positive changes in my life. Thank you, Kristen, for your hard work and passion for helping others by sharing your experiences with us. That’s so nice. Thank you so much. Mrs. Bear, bear and to all of you who leave reviews on Apple. I appreciate you so much. Those of you who are making comments on Spotify, I am reading them and loving them, and those of you who are engaging on YouTube, I just so appreciate you. This community that we are building is wonderful. I love us. Thank you for being here. I just hit my microphone because I’m excited. Thank you for being here.

Okay, we’re moving on. We’re going to start with a voicemail today. This is from Otto, and I have to say, we did clip a lot of Otto’s message. He called two times. The first time he was just saying such nice things. And Otto, I want to say, I heard you, and I appreciate you and thank you for the nice things that you said. Now let’s get to your question. Here’s the message from Otto.

Caller:

Hey, Kristen. My name is Otto. I am a 53 year old dad of three teenagers. I live up here in the northeast part of the United States. I work two jobs. One of my jobs is I’ve been a special education teacher for 25 years now. And my question to you is, so my day ends around three o’clock. The hardest part of my day is from 305 to about 515 during that time, I completely have to switch gears from teacher mode to pad mode of three athletic children who have to be certain places, certain times. I have to be a great husband to my wife of 25 years, who likes to decompress her day during that time. And to be honest with you, it’s the hardest part of my day I come home, I am very dysregulated. I get angry. If I’m getting bombarded with too many questions, I get upset. Ultimately, I have no more bandwidth left. So I was wondering if you had any advice, any words of encouragement or anything that you think would help during this 200 minutes of complete ADHD unraveling, as I like to say, so, I appreciate your show. I love the content. Thank you very much, and looking forward to hear what you have to say about it. Thank you.

Kristen Carder:

Oh, Otto, 200 minutes of ADHD unraveling. If that is not relatable, I don’t know what is. Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, first, thank you so much for calling in. I so appreciate it. And if any of you listeners are wanting your questions answered on the podcast, the number to call in and leave a message is 833-281-2343, and that’s also in the show notes for you all right. Otto, first of all, just relatable. Just wanna validate how relatable this is. I think every single parent would absolutely be able to, like, raise their hand and say, same. Me too. But I think just humans in general, anytime that we have to switch out from one mode into another mode, anytime we have to switch hats, anytime we have to switch roles, it’s very difficult for our ADHD brains to. To make that transition. And so I just want to let you know that the fact that you’re struggling to transition is not because you’re a bad person. It’s not because you’re not doing enough. It’s not because you you you’re like missing some key, you know, to the secret of life. It’s just difficult. It’s very hard for us, ADHD ers to make that transition. So what I would love to start with is just like a little self compassion. It makes sense that I struggle with this. It makes sense that this is really difficult for me. It makes sense that this is not easy. It makes sense that, like, I want to cry or scream or curse or yell, it makes sense.

Oh, like, you have no more bandwidth. You’ve already worked a full day. It’s now 305. You’ve put in a full day of work, and now you have second shift. This is what I call for us parents, who finish our work day and then go home and have to, like, continue the constant output of giving, answering questions and really putting ourselves aside for the sake of someone else. That’s what you’re doing at your job, right? You’re putting your own desires aside your own needs, aside your own just like what’s going on for you, you put that aside for the sake of your work, and then you get home and you’re putting that aside for the sake of your kids. That doesn’t end, and that’s difficult. Part of what I want to say here is that this does sound like a boundary issue to me. It sounds to me like you actually do need some decompression time. It sounds to me like for the good of yourself, but also for the good of your family. Carving out some time for you to decompress would be extremely helpful, and you’ve already indicated that this is something that your wife is doing, which good on her. That’s wonderful. I’m curious why you’re not also doing the same. I’m curious why this is not like a shared thing. If one of you has to be engaged, could it be that you take shifts? Could it be that you do it every other day totally like, validate your wife’s need to decompress during that time? 100% I also want to bring to your attention that it’s very clear that you need to decompress during that time as well. And I’m curious why, oh, this is interesting. Gosh, I wish. I wish I was coaching you right now. I’m curious why you’re not taking up a little bit more space here. I’m curious why you’re not saying, hey wife, I love you so much. I’m I totally know that you need to decompress. I also need to decompress.

So how can we make it work? How can we make it work so that we can both have some time to chill, so that I do not unravel between the hours of 305 and 515 really, really important to kind of look inward and see what’s going on there, because there is a serious need for the ADHD brain to have some time to make that transition. So that might look like you staring at the wall. It might look like you going for a walk or a quick run. It might look like you doing some sort of like meditation, emotional regulation practice. It might look like you like going for a drive, driving to Starbucks and getting some sort of like, ritualistic like, coffee at the end of the day, you need to build in a buffer, my friend, you need to build in a buffer for the sake of yourself, for the sake of your kids, for the sake of your family. Nobody wants you to be unraveling. Nobody wants you to be yelling. Nobody wants you to be melting down. And so it’s very clear here that this is like a when I say boundary issue, it sounds a little intense when I say that, but what I am saying is it sounds like you’re crossing your own boundaries. Your body is saying, hey, I need some time here. I need to decompress. And you’re saying, No, you have to push through. No, you don’t get to decompress. No, we have to self sacrifice for the sake of others. But the thing is that’s having some negative consequences, not only for you, but I’m guessing, also for the family, when you do kind of have those meltdown moments. So my what I would do if I were in your place was, ha, would be to have a very open and honest conversation with my partner about, like, I want to meet your needs in this, but I also have needs that I need to bring to the table. And how can we both work together to make sure that there’s like, a more of a balance here. And then the other thing that I would do, if possible, I would try to make it possible is your work day doesn’t end at 305, I would say that work changed your work day, and it now ends at 345, and you need that 35 minutes to just, maybe even just sit in your car. You need, you need that 35 minutes to make that transition.

Transition like take an allotted amount of time to just transition and get yourself into dad mode, so that you can function at the level that you want to, so that you can show up for your family the way that you want to, so that you can show up for your wife, for your kids and for yourself the way that you want to. I hope this is helpful. I think this is something that we really, really struggle with. And I sense that you really love your wife and want to meet her need for decompression here, and I just want to continually put in front of you your own need for decompression. So how can we make that work? I would love to hear an update if you, if you want to spend a couple of weeks like working on this, and then if there are any changes, if there are any like, positive things that you’ve been able to incorporate, I would love to hear back from you. Otto, thanks so much for calling in. And again, if you listen or want your question answered, called, 833-281-2343,

all right, we’re going to switch gears here, and I want to let you know about a free class that I’m teaching on June 16. One of the things that I’ve seen in ADHD ers persistently in the last six years that I’ve been working with adults with ADHD exclusively, is that adults with ADHD, struggle with self trust. They struggle a ton to trust themselves. They have they’re riddled with self doubt. And I want to know, do you want to stop second guessing yourself? Do you want to start trusting your own brain? If you say things like, I don’t trust myself to follow through, I keep sabotaging my own progress. I wish I could just believe in myself or or know that, like I’m gonna do what I say, I’m going to do like I’m gonna I’m gonna say, I’m gonna do something, and I trust myself to follow through on that. If that sounds like you, this free class is for you. It’s called the three pillars of self trust. It’s Monday June 16 at 1pm Eastern, you can go to the website I have adhd.com/free, class to register. You can click the link in my bio. It’ll be in all of the places. Okay, again, it’s Monday June 16, 1pm Eastern, yes, we’ll send a replay, but you have to be signed up, because we need to know where to send it, you know, I’m saying so this masterclass is specifically for adults with ADHD who are tired of feeling like their own worst enemy, tired of feeling like you’re sabotaging yourself. I’m going to teach you the three foundational components of real, lasting self trust so that you can stop the self blame cycle. Oh my gosh, I want this for you so badly, and you can start showing up for yourself with a little bit more confidence. Okay, so go to I have adhd.com/free class to sign up, and I can’t wait to see you there.

Okay, today we are going to be talking about organization and how someone with ADHD can be better at organizing back in 2019 which feels like 100 years ago, I recorded an episode after watching Marie condos tidying up. Do you remember that show on Netflix? I was so angry with that entire show, and I recorded like a very fiery podcast episode. It was my fourth episode ever. So if you want to go back and listen to 2019 Kristen Carter before she knew she was a coach, before she knew she was gonna be working exclusively with adults with ADHD, all of my growth will be on full display. Yeah, it’s episode number four at the very beginning of 2019, and since then, I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned so much more about not just about ADHD, but about trauma and emotional regulation and and how those three things, ADHD, trauma and emotional regulation intersect. And so today’s episode is like an updated, completely new take on organization for the ADHD brain. And our ADHD brains really struggle with organization, because it’s literally one of our deficient executive functioning skills. It’s in a group, like a cluster group of organization prioritization and planning, and those three things are in this, like cluster of, you know, an executive function that is deficient for most of us, and that’s hard. That’s real hard. Not only is this very hard for us, but we also struggle with emotional regulation and task initiation, which are two extremely important skills when it comes to wanting to organize. And not only that, but many of us grew up in cluttered, chaotic households. I wonder if you could think back to your childhood and and just remember like what your whole. Was like, what the piles were like, what the what the shelves look like? Was it hard to find things in your home? Was it easy to find things in your home? You can also think about like, did you move a lot? Did you have a parent like, maybe your parents split up, or maybe you had a parent that passed away? All of those experiences that that kind of impact where we live and the stuff that we have, it really affects our ability to organize. And I just want to start off by saying that if you live in a cluttered environment, that’s not a sign of laziness, it’s not a sign of failure. Your home is not a reflection of your worth. People who have clean homes are not better than people who have cluttered homes. Clutter is not moral. Clutter is not a moral issue. It does not make someone good or bad. It’s just stuff. It’s it’s not. It’s neither good nor bad. Okay, your home may look like an Instagram you know, content creator, or your home may be something that you actually hide from the world. And either way, you can still be a good person. You can still be a person who is wonderful and giving and kind and loving and a great parent and a great partner and just a great human in general. Okay, so again, the clutter that you may see in your home, it’s not a sign of laziness, it’s not a sign of failure. It doesn’t reflect your worth and it isn’t a moral issue. Can we all just like, grab hands together and make sure that we really begin to let that sink in? Now your space is a reflection of what’s going on in your mind, and so the ADHD mind is often a little bit cluttered and chaotic. And that’s just like, that’s where we’re at. That’s just very normal. So if you’re looking around and you’re saying, Yeah, my space is a little cluttered and chaotic, well, that makes sense, because most often the ADHD brain is also a little bit cluttered and chaotic. Okay, if you have ADHD, then you probably struggle to sleep. You’ve probably spent many nights getting hot and then cold, and then hot, and then cold, and then frustrated and then overwhelmed, and then your nervous system just kind of freaks out. Listen to what’s helping me lately, cozy Earth. Cozy Earth’s bamboo sheets and bamboo pajamas are temperature regulating and guaranteed to give you a comfortable night’s sleep. It may sound disingenuous how much this has affected my life and made things better for me. Personally, I am obsessed with cozy Earth, and when they say that their sheets and their pajamas are temperature regulating, they’re not lying, I have found it to be true, and I’m a woman of a certain age where I need temperature regulating.

f you know what I mean, what’s so great about cozy Earth is that there’s 100 night sleep trial, meaning you can try them during the hottest nights of the year, and if you’re not in love, you can return them hassle free, but you’re not gonna want to. But you can. You can. There’s a 10 year warranty on all bedding products, and that is a decade of cool quality sleep. Listen, ADHD or luxury should not be out of reach. Go to cozy earth.com, and use code. I have ADHD for 40% off best selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel and more. You’re gonna feel the difference the very first night. Like I said, temperature regulating is no joke. It’s no lie. It’s not just a marketing ploy. It is the truth. I have three amazing pair of these bamboo pajamas. I cannot stop buying them. I have a beautiful bathroom. I have the bamboo sheets. I am now obsessed with cozy Earth, and you can be too. Go to cozy earth.com. Use the code. I have ADHD for 40% off. You’re gonna feel the difference the very first night. Now I don’t know where you are in your journey. You might be completely satisfied and happy with the space that you’re living in, and if that is the case, awesome. I hope you still hang out with us here. I hope you still enjoy this episode. I hope that I can still entertain you, and that we can still be besties, but you don’t need to like apply any of what I’m saying to your life if you are happy with the way that your space is if you feel like it’s working for you, if you can find everything, if you if you are, if you’re just satisfied, good. That’s wonderful. But if you are feeling like it’s not working for me, everything does feel cluttered. It is a little bit dysregulating. I feel kind of activated and triggered in my own space, which I don’t really love, and also I’m struggling to find things. I’m struggling to to, just like locate the basic things. I feel like I’m always having to spend more time getting out the door in the morning because I’m having to look for things, or I’m having to locate things. Okay, then that’s this. Yes, this, this episode is for you, my friend. Okay, a lot of us really avoid dealing with our stuff, and I mean physical stuff, but gosh, does not. Doesn’t that apply to our emotional stuff too, but I am talking about our physical stuff. A lot of us really avoid

our out, like, dealing with our clutter because we’re completely overwhelmed and dysregulated, and so it’s really, it’s not easy. It’s not just a matter of just, like, just clean it up, just go, just make a pile, just just break it down into small steps, just spend a little bit of time every day. Like all of that neurotypical advice is very cute and like, Sure, it’s logical, but when you are riddled with overwhelm and when you’re completely dysregulated, when your home literally is triggering for you, and you’re feeling activated constantly, and your body is going into fight or flight, then those tips are not helpful. It’s not helpful. It’s not about motivation. It’s not about time. It’s not about like, not knowing the steps. It’s just about how do I deal with the way that my body is feeling about my stuff? Because clutter can really trigger shame and and really can put us into like, a fight or flight, like we can really feel our bodies being so dysregulated and kind of freaking out, and then we go into like, decision fatigue and shut down. And now we’re frozen. Now we just, like, are completely frozen, and it looks like we’re lazy, but we’re not lazy. We’re just struggling. We’re really, really, really struggling with the way that our body is feeling. Woo, okay, so the key here is not, please give me the tips and tricks to know how to organize. Like, that is all Google able and like, Sure, we’re gonna talk about it. But the key here is, how do I actually self soothe so that my body can stop freaking out, so that I can implement the very logical steps that I know how to do? I mean, you’re smart, you know what to do. It’s not a matter again, with everything with ADHD, is not a matter of not knowing what to do. It’s a matter of not being able to do the things that you know would help you. It’s like I know what to do, but I just can’t get myself to do it. Yeah, that. That is the definition of ADHD. I know what to do, I can’t get myself to do it. What’s in the way? What’s the barrier? It’s our bodies. It’s the way that we’re feeling. It’s our nervous system freaking out. It is our dysregulation. It is the going into fight or flight.

We can’t do executive functioning work like organization when our bodies are in that state. And so what’s the solution to that. How do you learn to self soothe? And I truly believe, and you’ve heard me say this a million times. If you’re a longtime listener, you’ve heard me say this a million times. Emotional regulation is the main issue with ADHD. If we can learn to process and self soothe, process the emotion, soothe the emotion, move into like a more neutral state, that’s everything. Then we can actually implement the tools that we know we need to use. Then we can actually implement the logical steps that you know. It’s like, start small. Yeah, start small, except when my body is freaking out, I can, I can’t do anything. It’s, yeah, it’s just so interesting how the very logical, some would say, neurotypical tips, they make sense, but they don’t make sense when your body’s freaking out, all right? And so I just like the steps that I want to give you is take the morality out of organization, out of the clutter. This is not a moral issue, and if you are mired in shame, that’s what I want you to deal with. Forget about the piles. Deal with the shame. What’s the solution to the shame? So that might look like working with a trauma informed therapist, that might look like joining my focused ADHD coaching program, that might look like going on YouTube and finding free resources to deal with shame, including a really recent episode that I just recorded and released on shame, being able to work through the barrier of shame like that’s our Everest, if we can deal with the shame around our clutter, if we can deal with the shame around feeling like a bad. Person, or a dirty person, or a lesser than person because of our clutter. If we can deal with that, then the resistance will be so much less the resistance to actually doing the thing, doing the the organization. It’ll be so much less that we won’t have to kind of, what is it called when you climb a mountain traverse scale. That’s it. Scale the mountain of shame. It’s like, if we don’t deal with the root issue, then every time we try to face our clutter, we have to scale that mountain of shame. And so I just really invite you to try to deal with that root issue. One of the best books on shame that I’ve read, I know Brene Brown has a lot of she has a lot of work on shame and building shame resilience, and that’s great. And one of the deepest books that I’ve read is by John Bradshaw, called Healing the shame that binds you. And my goodness, it is a deep dive into why we have chronic shame and how to deal with it. It’s really, really, really wonderful.

So if that is something that would help you, I highly recommend that book. Again. It’s John Bradshaw’s healing the shame that binds you. So we need a lot of validation and self compassion here. Validation and self compassion, okay? Because for many of us now, let’s talk about like, how you grew up, what your experience of your stuff is. For many of us, for our parents, actually, let’s start there for our parents, stuff was safety, right? So if you think about like your grandparents and your parents, my grandparents lived through the Great Depression in World War Two, that’s a lot of trauma, and they were impoverished. They did not have any money. And so the way that my that my parents were parented, was much more like, keep your stuff. Your Stuff equals safety. And I wouldn’t say there was like a hoarding tendency, but there was definitely an emotional connection to stuff. And then, you know, I was raised in that environment, and if you can kind of think through generationally your family’s relationship with their stuff, that might give you a lot of clarity on why it is either easy or hard for you to keep things organized and and, you know, get rid of things that are like, broken. That’s one of the things that I see in so many of us, is like a resistance to get rid of things that you don’t even use. A resistance to throw things out that are broken. A Resistance this like feeling like I have to keep it and so that’s really, it’s just an interesting thing that I just want to bring to your attention, because that can really impact our ability to organize. If we have a shit ton of stuff everywhere, it really makes it hard to stay organized, because there’s just so you can’t organize when there is just an overabundance of stuff everywhere, it’s much easier to organize if you just have the things in your home that you use every day, that are useful to you, that you love, but but definitely more of like a minimal approach or or an approach of just like utilitarian like keeping the Things that you use and love. And I think it’s important that we bring up that like, if your parents had ADHD, have or had ADHD, which they likely do, as ADHD is extremely heritable. It makes sense that you know your home was probably a little bit chaotic, that they struggled with organization as well that you didn’t grow up learning how to organize. So I follow this actually. I’ve had her on the podcast Stacey stout,

and she her handle is sanctuary with Stacey, and she is a trauma informed what does she call herself? She helps people declutter in a trauma informed way. And she says that clutter is internalized, chaos made external. Clutter is internalized, chaos made external. And I so appreciate that perspective. I completely agree with her. I notice that when my mental health is really good when I am feeling rested ish, when, when things are just kind of following a pattern, it is so much easier for me to put things away, where they belong, tidy up after myself, just like keep things like chill in my home. But when I am feeling that internalized chaos. When, when things are not going my way, when I am not sleeping well, when, when things are hard, I get real messy, real fast, real messy, real fast. And I have like, three areas of my home where I just an apologetically, unapologetically, am just very messy. I have a pile in the kitchen where I just, my gosh, it is a huge pile in the kitchen. And then especially, like in my bedroom, I have some space in there. I’m just not that like the other places in my house are perfectly clean all the time, but those are the places where I just allow myself to get extremely messy, and I’ll just pick up this stuff from around the house, like my stuff, and just, like, Pile it into my bedroom until my internal world is less chaotic and I have this space and the emotional regulation to tackle it so reminding yourself that like this is a reflection of how I’m doing on the inside, and the solution is not to punish myself, berate myself and make myself follow the like the five steps to organization. It’s more like a compassionate reminder to self, like, Hey, you’re not a bad person for having a messy home.

You’re just like a person who’s got a nervous system that’s freaking out right now. So how can we deal with that? How can we help you to calm down? How can we help you to self soothe? How can we help you to like chill? Before we even ask you to organize, we need to help you self soothe and take care of that internal chaos before we do any organization. So I want to just give you some ADHD friendly tips for organization, but, but like before, these can be applicable. Why was that so hard to say? Before these can be applicable? You have to remember, like your nervous system, you have to regulate your emotions again. I hit my microphone when I get excited, that microphone gets hit, you have to remember that, like, the way that you feel inside is going to be a direct reflection of whether or not you’re going to be able to organize. So maybe we start with some emotional regulation and some self soothing. But once that has happened and you’re like, No, I want to organize. Like, give me some sort of system, a simple three pile system, in my opinion, is always the way to go, a pile for trash, a pile for keep, and a pile for donate. And listen, I want your trash pile to be the biggest pile. I swear. I just know that there are tons of broken, expired, unknown, unusable items in your home. I know it. I know that there are, and I think we, we have so much drama around throwing things out, and I just want to relieve some of that drama. This is me, like, I’m cleansing your aura. I’m like, taking away that drama. I’m washing you of it. We need to let go of that drama of throwing things away because some stuff is just trash. And I know it can feel really badly to throw things out, but you have to come to grips with like trash is just trash. If it’s broken, it’s trash if it’s expired, if it’s unusable, get rid of it. If it’s got a stain on it, if it’s got a hole in it, if it’s if the material is like not worth donating, then trash it. Okay, now we’re gonna donate the things that are in great condition, not good condition. We’re donating things that are in great condition, that you no longer need. But here’s the thing, we’re not donating trash. We’re not donating anything that you wouldn’t wear. You know, we’re not donating like we’re not giving people who are in need trashy things. We’re making sure it’s in great condition. Then, of course, a keep pile. But you’re here, are the things. I do have some criteria for things that you’re going to keep. You have to love it. You have to love it. It’s not just like, like, it’s okay. It’s like, no, it actually sparks joy. I love this. You have to love it. It has to work. You’ve had to use it like you’re gonna use it. Either you’ve used it last year or you’re gonna use it this year. You have a specific intention. You know what it’s used for. Your know when you’re gonna use it and the last Lastly, you need to know where it goes. You need to have a spot for it. If you don’t have a spot for it, you need to create a spot for it. Because if you don’t create a spot for it is gonna go on the floor.

It’s gonna go on the counter. Like, where does it actually go? Some of the things that do spark joy for you you might not have a place for, and so those you might consider getting rid of. Okay, when I recorded the episode in 2019 Oh gosh, I was just like, I was just a little baby podcaster, and I just didn’t know much at all. And I also didn’t know much about trauma. I didn’t know much about how difficult it is for those of us with ADHD to let things go, and so I think I was a little callous about it. I was just like, throw it all out. Who cares? I just want to circle back here to like, I know that there is a connection that we have with our stuff, and I know that it can be very dysregulating to get rid of things, and I know that it can feel like we’re doing something wrong, and I know that we keep things because other people expect us to, like your parent expects you to keep this certain thing, and I just want to encourage you to lean on your own self trust To make sure that you are

making decisions from a grounded place, and that you are making sure that you’re keeping things that you love, that work that you’re going to use within a year, and that you know where they go during this process of deciding, what am I going to keep, what Am I going to donate. What am I going to put in the trash? You are going to be tempted to sell things on Facebook marketplace. Look at me in the eyes here. I know you are. You’re going to be tempted to say, I could sell this, I could sell this. I could get $6 for this, or I could get $37 for this. And here is the thing, selling on Facebook marketplace is the least ADHD friendly thing that you could do to yourself. Okay, as an ADHD accommodation, please, don’t, please, don’t, please don’t try to sell it. Think of all of the steps involved in selling things on Facebook marketplace. Think of all the steps. Think of all of the decisions involved, all of the executive function involved. It is not very ADHD friendly to yourself to make yourself sell things. And so I want to relieve you of that guilt, because you’re like, why would I donate this when I could get $14 for it? Listen, if you actually need the $14 to put food on your table, then I encourage you to just suffer through the executive function hell that is selling on Facebook marketplace or wherever it is that you sell things. And go ahead and do it, but if it is not a matter of putting food on your table or not putting food on your table, please don’t. Please don’t. Please be accommodating to yourself and let yourself off the hook for selling you don’t need to sell it. Okay? You don’t need to. You don’t need, you don’t need to sell it. Okay, as you’re going through the process, you will probably suffer from some decision fatigue. Decision making is really difficult for us, and it becomes really taxing, and in those moments, I encourage you to take a break, to be really kind to yourself, to lean on someone else for help, okay, really notice when you are tempted to over complicate things, when you’re tempted to, like, give a little too much pressure to yourself, like you’re putting a little too much pressure on, like a pile of old papers we don’t need to spin out about that and and notice, instead of quitting and throwing In the towel. Just notice when you need a break, notice when you need to say, Okay, I’m gonna go for a walk around the block. Kind of do some self talk while I’m doing that, and come back to it when I’m done. The good news here is you’re a good person whether or not your house is clean. You’re a good person whether or not like everything is sterile and organized and Pinterest worthy like it. That’s not what this is about. What we’re looking for is just a functional space, a space that feels more intentional and a place where you can feel more regulated. That’s what we’re looking for. Okay? And so that means creating a space that’s functional for you, that’s utilitarian for you, where stuff goes, where you’re going to grab it, where you’re going to remember that, that it’s there and and it’s a space where you can rest, where you can think clearly, where you’re not feeling activated and triggered all the time. Okay?

And you get to define what organized enough looks like. You get to define that. You get to drop your own judgment around yourself and your space. You get to soothe the shame that comes up, and you get to decide, like, what’s organized enough for me? What do I want my house to look like? Not a fantasy version I please, not the fantasy version, but what. Does, like, you know, maybe you have a couple kids, or maybe you have a couple pets, or maybe you have a couple husbands. I don’t, I don’t know, like whatever it is that you do, but like what is realistic for you in your season of life, in the home that you’re living in. When we lived in a very small home, we lived in a home that was 1700 square feet, and we had five people living there. And for us, that was small, that that was a very small space for us, and it was impossible that it was organized all the time just wasn’t going to be it was a small space. And we had growing kids, and they came with a lot of stuff, and, like, it just wasn’t going to be organized all the time. So being realistic about the season of life that you’re in and like, just like the reality of your home, the reality of of who’s living there, that’s going to be really, really important. This is a skill that can be developed. Okay, again, you’re not lazy. You’re allowed to take one drawer at a time, one pilot at a time, or not do anything. Okay? It doesn’t I love you either way. You’re a good person. Either way. It doesn’t matter if it’s if it’s too hard, if it’s too dysregulating, pause, do some deep breathing, put on one of my podcasts on emotional regulation and walk through some of those emotional regulation tools. That’s the work is keeping your body regulated, not not your home organized, necessarily. It’s keeping yourself grounded and regulated. Okay, my friends, I hope this is helpful. If you want more specific help with organization. This is something that we talk about in focused constantly. So go to I have adhd.com/focused to learn more about my ADHD coaching program and how I help adults with ADHD. But in the meantime, I really hope that you feel more relief, that you feel more grounded, that you feel more regulated in your own space, and I can’t wait to talk to you next week. I’m going to see you then. Bye.

A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with, I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out, and then I created focused for you. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will too go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused, for all details.