Kristen Carder
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast, I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated ish and ready to roll.

I’m getting started 30 minutes late today, which is, like, not a big deal, but also when you have ADHD and you have shame, like, for decades worth of shame around like your time management skills, 30 minutes late. Just feels like, not great. It just doesn’t feel great. So if you are in a place today where you’re just like, I’m just feeling it with the ADHD thing, same, same, same. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad that we’re hanging out together today, I always wonder what you’re doing. If you want to let me know, let me know. Like, what are you doing while you listen to the pod? I have loved reading your YouTube comments, reading your Spotify comments. I talked about that the other week, like, oh my gosh, there’s Spotify comments. This is so exciting. And your apple reviews. Thank you so much for engaging in the show. Thank you for subscribing to the YouTube channel. My goal this summer. And this is like in the world of YouTube, this is so small, but my goal is to get to 10,000 subscribers. And that’s not nothing, that’s not nothing, but in the world of YouTube, where people have millions of subscribers, it’s just like, it’s a tiny drop in the bucket, but that’s the goal. So if you are someone who’s like, hey, I can get on board with that, just go hit subscribe on YouTube. That would make my heart so happy. I wanted to read a comment on Spotify, because I read all of your comments. I appreciate you. I love you. I talk about the weather so much, and then I comment on myself talking about the weather. And I’m like, I shouldn’t be talking about the weather so much, and I’m like, narrating this whole thing. And you guys are just like, chill. Could you chill? And Janice commented on Spotify, and she said, I’m partway through your episode, and I wanna say that talking about the weather a lot is completely normal. Thank you, Janice, thank you for that, Janice. I appreciate you.

Janice says I’m Canadian, and I know that you’re a dedicated American, and the weather is a God given right here in Canada. I love this. She goes on to say, like, Hey, we’ve got major fluctuations in weather. It’s very normal to talk about it, and so I appreciate it. I adore you. Thank you for your comment. If you want to leave a comment on Spotify, or if you subscribe on YouTube, leave a comment there. I love hearing from you. You guys are my favorite. Whenever I get a new review on Apple podcasts, which I check every day, like a deranged weirdo, like I check it every day. Why do I do that? I don’t know. I don’t know, but I notice every day, if the ratings go up, if there’s a new if there’s a new review, whatever, whatever, because I crave dopamine, because I’m just like you, because I need that immediate gratification, because I am no different than any other human. It’s interesting, like my clients, often think that I’m immune to just being a human. I’m not, I’m just, I’m the same as you. I’m the same. I’m back from vacation. I am feeling so much better about life. I took a break, I disconnected. I disconnected for 10 days, 10 whole days. I can’t believe it, 10 whole days. I was completely disconnected from from reality, sort of and from work. And I have got to tell you, I am recharged. I am feeling so much better about my life, about my job, about just showing up to record this podcast, even though I was late, even though I was late and I couldn’t find parking, then I had to correct my parking three times. I drive a large car. The streets of Manayunk, Pennsylvania are tiny. They’re so narrow. Anyway, I had to correct my parking so many times.

Let us move on. I was so ready to come and record, even though I was running late, even though I had to correct that part, because, because why? Because I rested. And I just want to say to y’all, and I said this couple weeks ago, if you have the ability to take time off, if you have PTO that you’re not taking, if you have margin in your life where you’re able to rest, do it. Please give that gift. To yourself, it makes such a big difference, and the big wall of resistance that we feel toward, toward our responsibilities, toward working, even toward like taking the gosh darn trash out, you know, every day, or like doing the dishes every day, or doing laundry every day, when we step outside of that routine that the mundane routine, and we’re able to take a break from it. It makes entering back in so much more tolerable, and it just makes being able to do those mundane tasks so much easier. And so I really encourage you, if you haven’t planned for time off yet, and it doesn’t have to be expensive, you can just stay home, but shirk all of your responsibilities. Don’t do anything. Just lay on your couch, watch Netflix, go for a hike, go to the pool, go to the beach, like enjoy your life, even within the context of like your home that you’re already paying for. You don’t have to go stay in a hotel. You don’t have to go to another state or another country. You can just enjoy and I, I’ve already said I do staycations all the time, because relaxing in my own home is so peaceful. Okay. Anyway, this is my sales pitch for you to take some time off this summer and listen, if you do, if this inspires you, if you’re like, Okay, fine, I’ll do it. Let me know. Let me know. Come hang out with me on Instagram, at I have ADHD podcast. Leave a comment on YouTube. Leave a comment on Spotify.

Let me know on Apple podcast, all the places, okay, let me know, because I hope that I’m inspiring you to take some rest, to take some time off, to take some disconnection time, so that you can decompress and be more willing to enter back into the mundane life that we are all living. Life is just mundane. That’s just what it is. Is part of it. Okay? So today, my loves, this is a rapid fire Q and A episode. So what we’re going to be doing today is I’m going to be answering your questions that you submitted on Instagram. If you don’t follow me on Instagram, come hang out. It’s pretty much the only social media platform that I personally like, enjoy hanging out on, and so I am on Instagram quite a bit. Again, it’s at I have ADHD podcast, and yesterday, or the day before, I put up a question box, and was just like, ask me anything. We’re going to do a Q and A session, and I got a ton of question submission, so we’re going to try we. It’s cute when I say we, because who’s the we? Kristen, it’s like, look around. Who’s the we. I am going to go through and answer as many questions as I can. I also have a couple of your voicemails to answer. So let’s get started. These are questions about ADHD. Here we go. Number one, ADHD, paralysis is crippling. How do you get yourself out of it? I said this was going to be rapid fire, but like, how do you answer this question? Rapid firely. I’m not sure. I really don’t know. First I want to say, Yep, it’s crippling. It’s crippling. And what I want you to know is that it’s extremely complex, and there’s not just like, a 321, like quick, easy way to get yourself out of it.

Okay, I’m gonna throw some shade here, and I apologize in advance, but there is an author slash self help guru who wrote a book called The Five second rule, saying that, like, hey, just count down from five to one and you will just do the thing. Just go, that’s it’s as easy as that, guys. You’re stuck in bed. Just count down five seconds and boom, it’s gonna change your life. You don’t want to do the hard thing. Just count 54321, great. Now I’m motivated. I I’m sorry, but it’s a no from me. It’s a no. ADHD, paralysis is so much more difficult than a than a trite countdown from five and like, just go on your merry way. What you’re struggling with, I believe, is probably a lot of self doubt, it’s a lot of fear, it’s a lot of indecision, it’s overwhelm, and that is complex. There is no simple way for me to just direct you through it. But what I will ask you, my dear question, submitter, is this, how much support do you have in your life? Do you have a diagnosis? Are you being treated? Are you getting help from your family? Do you have a supportive partner? Are there people in your life validating you and helping you to succeed? Are you in an understanding workplace? Are you able to tell the people who are closest to you, I’m struggling? Can you please help me? Because yes, the ADHD paralysis is crippling, but you were never meant to deal with it on your own. You were never meant. Is to do it without the support of of medication and therapy and coaching and community support.

And so while this is not like a rapid fire answer, what I do want to let you know is that this is actually quite complex, and you deserve a lot, lot, lot of support. My number one, if I could give you one tip, it would not be to count down, 54321, and just do it. So I promise you that my one tip would be, pay attention to your emotions and learn to regulate them. Learn to identify and self soothe what is going on in your body if you don’t have access to therapy or coaching or any kind of help or support with that, then listen to my podcast. I have so many episodes on this topic. Okay, so I love you. I’m sorry that you are paralyzed.

This is a complex issue, and it’s telling me that you need more support. So what I want to encourage you to do is go out and find more support. All right. Next question, my friends, where should someone with untreated ADHD start? I’m overwhelmed, but desperate. It sounds to me like you know you have ADHD and you you do have a diagnosis, so that that’s a win like we’re going to count that in the win column, that you already have some understanding of your brain, and you already have an official diagnosis. What I say on this podcast all the time is that research shows that medication is the number one contributor to success with ADHD. It just is. Some of you don’t like that answer. Sometimes I don’t like that answer. I struggle with the fact that it’s possible that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. I know then I have thoughts about, like, you know, is it all just a scam? Like, I have the same questions that you do. But here is what is undeniable, study after study after study has shown that medication is the number one driver of success with ADHD, does diet help Yes? Does exercise help? Yes?

Does community support help? Yes? Does coaching and therapy help? Yes, but all of those other modalities and tools are almost impossible to access if you’re not first treated, medically treated for the disorder, and so I would encourage you to ask for help again. Maybe this will be a theme. I’m not sure. We’re only two questions in, but I would encourage you to ask for help when it comes to acquiring medication. So ask a parent, ask a friend, ask your partner, ask your husband, ask your wife. Hey, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. I’m not treated for it. I’m learning that medication is actually more important than I originally thought. Can you please help me take the necessary steps required to get medication? Can you help me make the doctor’s appointment? Can you help me find the doctor? Can you help me make the appointment? Can you go with me to the appointment? Can you like Can you hold my hand through the process. Because here’s the thing, there’s so much executive function required to take these steps, and what you’re needing is medication in order to help you with your executive function. It’s so ass backwards and so freaking annoying, right? Because it’s like, how are you supposed to take these steps without the medication? Because what you’re struggling with, is the executive function that is required to do the 27 steps involved in getting that medication. So I would start with being treated. You’re saying, where should someone with untreated ADHD start? Start by treating it. You got to treat it, honey. This is not, this is not a joke.

This is not we’re going to talk about this later, because there were a lot of questions about, like, Is this even a big deal? The answer is yes. And like, look at your life. If you’re on, I always hit my mic when I get fired up, and it happened again. Look at your life if you are unhappy with where, with the direction of your life, with with where you’re going, like you can point to it and say, Yes, this is a big deal, and I need to start taking it seriously. And I need to start demanding that the people around me take it seriously. We’re going to talk about that a little bit later. All right. Next question, How did you know when strataro was working, I spent so long trying to not reveal what medication I was on, because I didn’t want to be like a medication influencer, because that’s just super weird. But it’s out I take stratera And I love it, and it’s really helped me I was previously. On a stimulant medication for ADHD, and then I had children, and I stopped taking medication during those childbearing years, which now that I look back and now that there’s new research out, I I wish I had never stopped. I truly, truly, truly wish that I had never stopped taking medication during those childbearing years. But again, we’re moving on. And when I went back on medication after my youngest was like, maybe two or three, the stimulant was it actually caused a lot of anxiety, and I took it just for a couple days, and I was like, Oh, this is no longer the one for me. Like, this is not this does not feel good in my body, and medication should always make you feel better, not worse. So I started taking a non stimulant, and I the difference between a stimulant and a non stimulant is that a stimulant is going now they’re going to start you on a lower dose, but like once you are at the the proper dosage for your weight and et cetera, you pretty much feel it immediately, and you’re gonna know it’s only gonna take a little bit of time for you to know whether or not it’s working, whereas with a non stimulant, it’s more subtle, which makes sense, it’s a non stimulant. And so for me, it really did take about three to six months before I really began to notice a difference and and I remember asking my husband and my best friend, do you think this is like, Are you noticing a difference with me?

Is this even worth it? Should I continue to take it? I asked them at different times, and both of them were like, Oh my gosh, yes, this was, and I remember so distinctly, this was during the 2016 election cycle. If you remember that period of time was, you know, roller coaster or the fiery depths of hell. And going through that time, I remember asking them, like, Hey, do you think that my ADHD medication is working? And I remember my husband saying, if you were not on this medication, you would be so much more triggered than you are. You you would be struggling so much more than you are. And I was like, Oh my gosh, that is so insightful. It was really helpful to hear from them. So it did take a little while for me to notice a difference, and I’ve shared this, but I will share it again. A couple months ago, I was like, You know what? I don’t think I really need medication anymore. I think that I have done so much work and so much self development, and I have so many amazing support systems in place, but I probably don’t need to keep taking this stratera. And so I started to back off of my strata. I didn’t go, I like, cut it in half. I was like, that’s probably fine, probably fine. It was not fine. I was not I was not okay. I didn’t feel okay. I didn’t act okay. I was just like, oh, I actually do have ADHD. Okay. I need to keep taking it, but I would encourage you to ask the people that you trust. I would encourage you to keep a journal, and I would encourage you to just do body check ins. How am I feeling? How am I feeling? Do I feel better?

Do I feel more regulated? Do I feel more grounded? Am I able to observe my thoughts? All of that is really important when you’re considering whether or not a medication is working okay. Next one best tips for getting yourself to eat more in the daytime instead of Binging at night.

Kristen Carder 18:34
This is a great question, especially for those of you who are on a stimulant because a stimulant medication can absolutely dampen your appetite and then make it really difficult for you to eat at all during the day. And then the medication wears off, and then all of a sudden, you are famished, understandably so, because you have not been eating all day long. And then the binging starts at night. And so first of all, you need to go follow ADHD nutritionist, Becca. Becca King, I believe is her name. She’s amazing. She’s on Instagram. She just wrote a book. Here it is. It’s called How to Eat well for adults with ADHD, I love it, a practical, non diet guide to feeding your body and mind when you have ADHD. So she’s the expert.

I’m certainly not the expert, and I would defer to her. She’s actually teaching a class within my focus, ADHD coaching program in the next couple weeks, which is pretty cool, but what I would say and what I would do, and what I remember doing when I was on a stimulant, is setting reminders to eat, having a lot of like, very easy, grabbable, yummy foods available, and setting myself up for success, not setting. Myself up for the fantasy of how I wish I would eat during the day. Are you hearing me? We all have the fantasy of how we wish we would eat, but when you’re on a stimulant, and let’s just say, your refrigerator and your pantry are full of fantasy foods, which are all of the healthy foods, it’s probably ingredients you actually have to make them. You don’t. They’re not easy. They’re not grabbable. They’re not just like, grab and go grabbable. That’s weird.

You’re setting yourself up for failure when you do that, because, in reality, especially when you’re on a stimulant, your body is just going to reject the notion of having to cook like extensively your body’s gonna reject these like, super fantasy healthy foods instead. Just like calories in are important and nutrition is nutrition, there are no good and bad foods. Just eat something. Fill your fridge, fill your pantry with pretty much easy grab and go stuff that during the day, you’re like, oh, that sounds good. I would snack on that. I would eat that. That’s not a big deal. I love things like Greek yogurt and hummus and like that kind of thing. But I also love Doritos. And listen, food is food like Doritos are amazing. Doritos are amazing. Can we have a moment for Doritos? Oh my gosh, they’re so good. Okay, so just make it easy. That’s my tip. Make it as easy for yourself as possible. A lot of times we have this perfectionistic view and we make it way too hard, and that’s not then, then it’s not practical for us, then we’re not actually able to go ahead and eat during the day, because we’re like, no, that doesn’t sound good. No, I don’t want anything, and I don’t feel hungry anyway, so I’m not gonna bother right? So just make it really easy and yummy for yourself.

If you have ADHD, then you probably struggle to sleep. You’ve probably spent many nights getting hot and then cold, and then hot and then cold, and then frustrated and then overwhelmed, and then your nervous system just kind of freaks out. Listen to what’s helping me lately, cozy Earth. Cozy Earth’s bamboo sheets and bamboo pajamas are temperature regulating and guaranteed to give you a comfortable night’s sleep. It may sound disingenuous how much this has affected my life and made things better for me. Personally, I am obsessed with cozy Earth, and when they say that their sheets and their pajamas are temperature regulating, they’re not lying, I have found it to be true, and I am a woman of a certain age where I need temperature regulating. If you know what I mean, what’s so great about cozy Earth is that there’s 100 night sleep trial, meaning you can try them during the hottest nights of the year, and if you’re not in love, you can return them hassle free, but you’re not going to want to. But you can, you can. There’s a 10 year warranty on all bedding products, and that is a decade of cool quality sleep. Listen, ADHD or luxury, should not be out of reach. Go to cozy earth.com. And use code. I have ADHD for 40% off, best selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel and more, you’re gonna feel the difference the very first night. Like I said, temperature regulating is no joke. It’s no lie. It’s not just a marketing ploy. It is the truth. I have three amazing pair of these bamboo pajamas. I cannot stop buying them. I have a beautiful bathroom. I have the bamboo sheets. I am now obsessed with cozy Earth, and you can be too go to cozy earth.com. Use the code I have ADHD for 40% off. You’re gonna feel the difference the very first night.

Okay, let’s take an audio question. Should we do that? Let’s hear first from Brooklyn. I believe that Brooklyn also submitted this question on Instagram, but since I had an audio message from her, I wanted to play this, because I thought it would switch things up a little bit. Remember, if you want your question answered on the podcast, I would love to answer it for you. You can call in. The number is 833-281-2343, just call, leave me a voicemail, and I will answer your question here. So let’s go ahead and hear from Brooklyn.

Caller 24:02
Hi. My name is Brooklyn, and I am from grants, pass Oregon, and I’m new to the podcast. My friend had been posting about ADHD, and I was like in amazement about how many of the symptoms, pretty much all of them, that I had. And so I’m currently trying to be diagnosed, but I’m fairly sure I have it anyway. The podcast has been super helpful for me. Almost every episode has kind of like brought me to tears, because it’s just I resonate with everything, and it’s really helping me to cope and understand that. You know, this is real, and I’m not crazy, but something that I’m struggling with is now I’ve been opening up about it with like my family, like my dad or my mother in law or whoever, and a common response that I get is that everybody has ADHD like it’s not a big deal, like everyone deals with it, or people are just not diagnosed. And I just feel like people just treat ADHD like it’s not a big deal, like it’s just, if you have it, you just can’t focus on stuff. But that’s just normal, but I just don’t know how to respond to that, you know, people watering it down and treating it like, you know, it’s a normal thing. So I just wanted some advice on how to respond to that comment that, oh, everyone has ADHD, oh, you’re just easily distracted. You know, that’s normal. Anyways, thanks for your time, and thanks for your podcast.

Kristen Carder 25:41
Oh, honey, I just want to give you a squeeze. I’m so sorry. I can hear the pain in your voice. I just want to say that I’m sorry and that that’s not what you deserve to hear when you’re sharing something so personal. It’s so vulnerable with the people that are closest to you, that’s not what you deserve to hear back from them, and so that makes me upset on your behalf. It makes me feel angry, and it makes me just want to, like, step in and defend you, and I I’ve gotten several questions that are similar to this, and so I’m really glad that you brought this Brooklyn, and that you are articulating this so perfectly, because there are a lot of listeners and a lot of people on Instagram who submitted questions that are going through the same experience, just feeling like, you know, when I talk about this, I feel like it’s explaining so much about myself, and I feel so excited to have these revelations like, oh my goodness, These things that I’ve been struggling with, they’re not because I’m lazy, they’re not because I’m stupid, they’re not because there’s something wrong with me. There’s it’s because I have ADHD, and I can point to that and like, maybe that means there’s a solution, and maybe that means there’s help for it, and that’s so exciting, and it’s such, it’s such a like an eye opening life changing time for you, and then to be met, to be met with such dismissal, to be met with such a demeaning like, oh, well, everybody struggles with that, like everybody has ADHD, that’s not a big deal. What are you even talking about? That’s so hurtful, and so I just want to mirror to you that’s actually really painful to hear, and it’s also very, very inappropriate, like, that’s an inappropriate response. So for those of you like Brooklyn, for you specifically, but for those of you who have friends, family, relatives, coworkers, whoever that are responding in this way, I want to encourage you to not feel invalidated and not feel like, oh, maybe this means that I’m wrong.

Maybe this means that, like, it’s not a big deal. Like, don’t believe them. You should be mad at them. Like, be angry that they’re responding in this way, the appropriate response from us, from the ADHD person who who goes to someone with such vulnerability and says, like, oh my gosh, I think that I might have ADHD, and I’m learning so much about myself, and I’m gonna pursue a diagnosis, and maybe there’s treatment that would help me and and maybe I can learn more about myself and some coping skills that will change my life and make everything better and easier for me. And someone dismisses that and says that’s stupid. Everybody has ADHD. What’s your problem? We should be angry about we deserve to be angry about that. Okay, it’s inappropriate. That is so inappropriate. Okay? So first, I’m really sorry that you’re hearing that from people. And second, I don’t want you to believe them. And third, I want you to remember that ADHD is heritable, that it travels in families, and that, yeah, for let’s say it’s your parent and you, I don’t know that you said it was your parent, but let’s just pretend it was your parent. You go to your parent and you say, I’m distracted, I’m unmotivated. I’m struggling with emotional regulation. I am what are the other symptoms of ADHD? Where am I? What is my job? I just My mind just absolutely left the building. So we’ll throw that in, like unable to have an organized thought. And you go to your parent and you say that, and your parent. Who? Hello, ADHD is as heritable as height. Your parent probably has ADHD. They’re like, yeah, so is everybody else. You’re like, No, this is not normal. This is not how we have to function. So I just want you to understand that you are probably, if you’re talking to family members, it is so highly likely that you are talking to people with undiagnosed ADHD so for them to validate your symptoms means that they would have to validate their own symptoms, and a parent who does not know how to validate themselves, will never be able to validate their child ever.

It’s impossible. So a parent who dismisses their own struggles will always dismiss their child’s struggles. It’s just the way that’s just, this is the way that it works. Okay? And so I want you to think about for you Brooklyn, like you’re just discovering this for the first time. But I want you to think about the generations of people that came before you, honey, all of the people that came before you, that were undiagnosed, that were unaware, that didn’t know, your great grandparents, your grandparents, your parents, your aunts, uncles, cousins, like whoever it is in your family. This travels in families. My love. Okay, so there are. So it’s likely, if you have ADHD, that there are many, many people in your family that do as well, but they just don’t know. And so I want to encourage you to be a little more self protective with what you’re sharing with people, because it doesn’t seem that they are capable of holding your vulnerability with care. And so I want you to be a little more protective of those vulnerable parts of yourself. I’m not saying disconnect from your family. I am not saying, you know, throw a big fit and rage at them. I’m not saying any of that. I’m not saying tell them that they have ADHD or diagnose that like I’m not saying any of that. What I am saying is notice that they are incapable of validating you, but don’t let that make you invalidate yourself. Just be aware that they are the they’re not capable. They’re just not capable. And so be a little more self protective. Find safe people that will understand come come into an ADHD i I almost had come into focus and like, I’m not trying to make a sales pitch. I’m trying to give an invitation. Of like, if you need people who will validate your experience, come join focus. It is the most encouraging, validating and accepting community that you could ever find. We welcome people with self diagnosis. We welcome people who are undiagnosed but just curious. We welcome all types of people, and you will never feel invalidated in this space.

Okay, anyway, anyway, anyway. Be a little more self protective and only share these vulnerable things with safe people and continue on your diagnosis journey. I’m so proud of you. I’m excited for you. I’m so hopeful for your future. I’m so hopeful that you are like gaining this awareness and this understanding and that you are pursuing a deeper knowledge of yourself. It’s beautiful. It’s so good. Oh, Brooklyn, thank you for calling in. Thank you. I appreciate you. And remember, if you want me to answer your question on the pod, call 833-281-2343,

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Okay, let’s move on. I’m going to answer another question submitted on Instagram. How can I trick my brain into being more driven. You can’t, I’m sorry you can’t trick your brain. You’re smart. You’re way too smart. So instead of trying to trick yourself, how about you think about what you want. How about you go after things that matter to you. How about you stop doing all of the stupid stuff in your life that you’re trying to do because you’re shoulding on yourself. Like I feel like I should clean my room, but I’m not driven to clean my room. It’s because you don’t care about your room being cleaned, so just let it be messy. What do you care about? The ADHD person has an interest based nervous system you’re only going to be driven toward things that you really care about, unless you’re extremely high functioning and you’ve done a shit ton of work on yourself and on your on your ability to function. With ADHD, I am 23 years into this game, so like i i have the tools to be driven on things that like I just don’t really care about. I do have those tools. I don’t know those. Use them, but I do have the tools. But here’s the thing, especially if you’re new to this journey, or you haven’t done much self development work, there’s no way that you’re gonna be able to be driven on stuff that you don’t care about. So stop doing stuff that you don’t care about. Stop trying to get yourself to do things to please other people, to make yourself look good in a community of people that you don’t even like. Stop it. She’s getting a little fired up, and she’s gonna take a chill pill. So I’m doing right now. I’m taking a I’m just taking a little chill pill. So how can I trick my brain into being more driven? You can’t trick your brain. Your brain is smart. You there’s no like.

You know, there’s no trick. The trick is to organize your life in a way that you care about. The trick is to like, if you hate your job, but like, do you like eating? Do you like paying bills? Do you like having a place to live? Because you can hate your job but still be driven to go to work, because you know that that job is affording you food on the table and a roof over your head and education for your children. Does that make sense? You have to get to the root of the why behind your doing. The why behind what you’re doing. The key here, though, is to notice when you’ve got a BS why, when your why is to please someone else, when your why is to make yourself look good to people that you don’t even like, when your why is to please others and in a way that’s just like, I want to impress people. I want people to think that I’ve got it all together. Those Whys are not going to get you out of bed in the morning. So you have to go deeper than that, and you have to, like, shirk, nope. That’s the second time I’ve tried to use that word today. You have to, like, delete everything from your life that really, truly is not aligned and connected to your authentic self. And I know that sounds like so privileged and so like, Okay, well, that’s easy for you to say, but truly, this is the journey of being someone with ADHD is figuring out how to do that. You can’t do it all in one day, but how can you begin the process of deleting things that you truly don’t care about? Now, again, this is not like, oh, okay, I don’t like my job, so I’m gonna quit my job. Well, you might not like your job, but do you like eating? Do you like providing for your kids? Like you have to tune into that type of alignment, but ADHD ers are allergic to doing things that they don’t care about.

We have an allergy. It’s it’s a pervasive allergy. We are allergic to doing. Things that we don’t care about, and so the key is to do things that you care about, do more of what you care deeply about. Okay, I’m moving on. I’m moving on this next one. Tell me about your brain dumping process. Okay, awesome. Question. I’m actually gonna record an entire episode about this next week. So next week’s episode is gonna be all about metacognition thinking, about your thinking and brain dumping. So stay tuned for that. Okay, what is a good way to gently educate my loved ones about ADHD? Any good resource recommendations? Well, this podcast is an awesome resource. I even have an episode called Dear neurotypicals, like, what every ADHD er wants you to know. Hey, neurotypical friend, neurotypical family member. This is what we want you to know. So you can go check that episode out. There are a couple great books about ADHD. Your brain’s not broken, is currently my favorite one by Tamara rose here. That’s a really good way there. The thing is, like the media coverage of ADHD is really mixed. We mentioned that New York Times article a couple weeks ago or months ago about, you know, like, are we thinking about ADHD all wrong? And so media coverage is gonna be very, very mixed about ADHD. I’m curious, though. This sounds to me. I wanna read between the lines here. This sounds to me like, why do we need to educate my loved ones about ADHD? Why is it their business? So this sounds to me like my loved ones are demeaning and dismissing my mental health. And so I would like to have some fuel to to educate them, because they’re being dismissive. And again, I just want to say just like I said to Brooklyn, we don’t tolerate people who dismiss us. We don’t tolerate that behavior anymore. We are grown ass adults. We know ourselves. We have a medical diagnosis.

We don’t need the validation or the blessing of mom or dad or sister or husband of our ADHD diagnosis, are they like it? Just it makes me upset that a person in your life would dismiss your diagnosis, and so I don’t know. I’m just, I could be reading way too much into this, but it, it’s what it sounds like to me. What’s a good way to gently educate my loved ones about ADHD? It sounds like your loved ones are not being kind and and you’re feeling dismissed, and you’re feeling like, I wish they understood me. I wish they cared and like, why aren’t they educating themselves? If they love you, I just I’m sick of it. Okay, did you hear me pound the table? I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Okay, moving on, resources and recommendations. I think that there are a lot of great educational reels on Tiktok and Instagram, and I have a ton of resources in that regard for you. On my Instagram, lots of clips of the podcast, lots of things that you can grab, like easy, digestible things. There are a lot of ADHD creators, some of whom are Grifters, but most of them are great. Most of them are great. Most of them are great. And so you can find digestible information that way. I don’t know if they would go out and read a whole book on ADHD, I like

Kristen Carder 43:50
Russell Barkley’s taking charge of adult ADHD. I think the first half of that is really, really great. Also his YouTube channel, Russell Barkley’s YouTube channel is great, so you can find some stuff there, but essentially, like when I have a loved one with a diagnosis, I’m the one researching, I’m the one wanting to understand. I’m the one trying to figure it out. I don’t put the burden on them to educate me about it. So I just am wondering, or just I want more info on this one, but it’s okay. Okay. I’m moving on, moving on.

Next question. I’m struggling about, oh, let me try again. I’m struggling with daydreaming about living in different places, because places get boring so quickly, and it keeps me in decision paralysis in all ways in life, I’m wondering if this is a thing, and thing is capitalized like I’m wondering if this is a thing. I’m struggling with daydreaming about living other places. It sounds to me like you are struggling with the reality that, like real life, everyday life is. Pretty boring. And I’m just wondering if you are kind of using daydreaming as an escape, as a fantasy land, as a way to disengage and almost dissociate from the real life of just like life is a grind. It’s just kind of a grind. It’s kind of boring, like marriage kind of boring, having kids kind of hard and boring, working a job every day, even if you love it, it gets boring. And so it sounds like you’re wanting to escape through fantasy. And what’s really interesting is that you’re saying it’s keeping you in decision paralysis, and that I just am so sorry about that, that must be so hard. And I would encourage you to get some specific help on this, some coaching, some therapy, like, what’s going on that you are like in fantasy land and kind of escaping to other places in your mind and then not being able to deal with like the real life decisions. Because decisions are your power. They are the way that you move forward. So it almost sounds to me like this fantasy is self protective. It is keeping you, quote, unquote, safe from making those hard decisions and taking steps forward, and I just wonder if you’d be willing to get some specific help on that. I mean, you could, like, take this blurb to a trauma informed coach, to a therapist, and just be like, This is what I want help with. Like, I’m not staying forever. I’m not working with you for six months to a year, like, Help me, help me unpack this. And I think that they they could be so helpful to you, because the decision paralysis is a tell that actually this fantasy is keeping you stuck and it’s keeping you from moving forward, and that’s not what we want for you.

We want you to be able to have the power to make decisions and do what you want to do in life. Okay? How to prioritize when I have a million ideas, pick one, that one was easy, that one was short and sweet and super easy. Pick one. Pick one. Having a million ideas, like the ADHD brain is a blessing and a curse. We’re super creative. We’re not all of us, but some of us super creative and idea generators. And that’s what it sounds like. It sounds like you are. You’re an idea generator. You have a million ideas. That’s awesome. Like, lucky you. But here’s the problem, we then have this tendency to think, I have to follow through on all of these ideas. I have to, I have to make all of these come to life. It’s not possible. It’s not possible. It’s not possible. I want you to think about it in the in the in terms of, like choosing a spouse. There are millions. There are actually billions of people in the world. How do you choose a spouse when there are billions of people in the world? You either date around for your whole life and you just never settle down and you never experience like true, monogamous marriage, which is fine, that’s totally a choice. It’s totally a choice, but it is giving something up, right? It’s giving up the long term monogamous connection. And so, like, it’s the same with your ideas. And I have this entire episode. I don’t even remember which one I’ve recorded, like, 300 and what is this 18? Ish? No, 320 320 episodes. That’s a lot for a little lady, that’s just a lot for a little lady with ADHD to keep track of. So I have no idea what episode it is, but I this, I I have this episode where I talk about cheating on your goals with like one night stand ideas. It’s a whole weird thing, but I think it’s a great concept, because we all have these, like, goals and dreams and like, yeah, we have lots of ideas, but we, there are some that were just like, Ah, this is the one. This is, this is what I think I should do.

But then these other like, one night stand ideas come in and we just, we cheat on our goals, and we never get to our goals, and we’re gonna cheat on them with these one night stands. So pick one. It’s just like a partner. You just You gotta pick one. You just gotta pick one. And if you choose not to, that’s also okay, but make that a conscious choice. I’m gonna intentionally choose not to pick one, and I’m just going to like play the field, so to speak. But you’re asking, How do I prioritize? And what I’m saying is, you pick one, you pick one, and you mourn. You grieve the fact that you have to let others go away. You grieve. Grieve the fact that you can’t date around. You grieve the fact that, like, this is it? This is the one. So like, when I went all in on podcasting and coaching, that was hard. I already had a day job that I enjoyed. I was giving up a day job that I was good at, that I enjoyed that was paying the bills. And I I like, my gosh, we’re good. Just going all in with this analogy. I divorced. I divorced that idea, even though it was a good thing, because I thought there was something better. And I just went all in, like, nose to the grindstone. And I just went for it, and there were still, there were people that were like, You should at the time, you should start a YouTube. I couldn’t start a YouTube at the time. This YouTube channel, if you are here and watching, thank you. I love you. Is brand new? Why is it brand new? Because I didn’t have the bandwidth to do more than one thing. I was audio only for so long, and very successful at that because I prioritized it. Okay, so prioritizing is just choosing. It’s just making a choice and then being sad about what you’re letting go, but moving forward and not cheating on your goal with one night stand ideas. Okay, that was really weird. Let’s take another call. We’re going to hear now from Ben, from Ben in I think Brooklyn. Let’s Let’s go. Ben

Caller 51:34
Kristen, my name is Ben, calling from Brooklyn, New York. Really appreciate your work, and I’m calling because I’m an artist, and I say the rich team, and in some ways, pursuing the life of an artist seems like a super smart choice that I made for myself when I unconsciously desired it so many years ago. And also, though, like it’s so overwhelming so there, there’s endless variety and newness inside of the work of being an artist. And also, I have to manage so many things at the same time and be an entrepreneur of my own artistry as a musician, as a theater maker, as a writer, and it’s really overwhelming, and I’m definitely struggling. I was diagnosed with ADHD a year and a half ago. Made a lot of things make retroactive sense, and I’m just struggling a little bit to keep it all together. So I wonder if you have done any episodes that I haven’t found yet, specifically on intersections between creativity and ADHD and or if you have any particular thoughts for those of us that are really pursuing a creative lifestyle and the gifts and challenges inside doing that with an ADHD brain, thank you.

Kristen Carder 52:57
Ben. Oh my gosh. It’s so good to hear from you. Your life sounds magical. I just want to say like an artist in Brooklyn, as like a Philly suburban housewife in her 40s, like that. Life sounds so magical, the creative life as an artist in Brooklyn, New York. Ah, okay. Anyway, let’s move on. Here’s what I want to say, honey. I don’t have any specific podcast episodes you ask, like, about creativity, the intersection of creativity and, like, the ADHD brain. But I do know a lot about entrepreneurship and ADHD, and I think what you’re describing is the struggle of many creatives and entrepreneurs with ADHD, where we have the creative, amazing thing that we want to do, that we’re really talented, gifted at, and so we have that, but then we have To sell it like we gotta eat, we gotta pay the bills. It’s similar to coaching like my gift to the world is being an ADHD coach and to talking to you guys like this, right? That’s my gift. But it’s not enough for me to just be good at that. I also have to figure out a way to promote it, to sell it, to tell people about it, to let people know that it’s an option. I can’t just have a podcast. I have to also advertise the podcast, right? So I just relate to you so much, and I coach so many people that are so similar.

And here’s what I will say, that has been the most helpful to me, and I think has provided the most clarity for my clients when, when we are Creatives or and or entrepreneurs, it seems like the world is our oyster, and there are. So many options, but what we don’t realize is that there is so much power in boundaries and in structure. And I’m sorry to use that triggering word structure, because especially as a creative you might balk at that word, but I want you to really do a deep dive into the structure of your creativity and how whatever medium you use, like I believe you said you’re a musician, there is structure in music, there’s tonality, there’s scale, there are boundaries within music that allow music to make sense to the ear and to be appealing to others. So structure does make sense, even within creativity. If you’re an artist, the structure of like paint or the different mediums that you use with your artistry, there is structure. There are certain rules, and some rules are meant to be broken, but there are rules there for a reason, things that are pleasing to the eye, that that are really drawing people in, right? It’s the same with entrepreneurship. Structure is so helpful, having boundaries around what you’re willing to do and not willing to do when you’re willing to work and when you’re not willing to work things, I just it sounds to me like you need structure, and so I would just really encourage you within like, what feels good to you creatively? How can you create a structure for yourself so that you’re not pulled in 150 different directions at all times. The other thing that I will say is that the most successful ADHD creatives and entrepreneurs that I have seen always have a neurotypical in the background, kind of grinding out the mundane scheduling, like, what is the word administrative tasks?

And so I encourage you to spend a little bit of money on hiring someone who is neurotypical, who can support you and and provide that structure, someone who can be your frontal lobe, someone who can offer up gifts that you don’t have. When I really began to take my work seriously, I hired a neurotypical to help me, and it was the most helpful thing that I have ever done, and I will never not now, from now on, have a support team, because I know that what I want to be, what I want to do, is my creative work. Now it doesn’t look like musician or artist, but it is coaching. It is that like service based people, based business. I want to show up and record this podcast. Do you know what I don’t want to do? I don’t want to edit it. I don’t want to schedule it. I don’t want to figure out how to post it. And all of the platforms I don’t I cannot be trusted to have a podcast drop on Tuesday mornings, you think I’m in charge of that, you think I’m in charge. I am not in charge of that. That is not my ministry. Okay? And so I want you to think about what is your ministry? What what has what gifts have been given to you to use? And then what are the areas that you’re really weak in that you could delegate and hire out. And I know that’s not possible for everyone, but especially if you are an entrepreneur, I really, really encourage you to make that investment in your business. So number one, structure and boundaries. Number two, hire support. All right, Ben, I hope that was helpful, and I’d love to hear back from you if you’re able to use that. Okay, we’re gonna do two more questions, and then we are going to wrap it up. I love learning, but I hate doing my homework. What can I do to enjoy doing the work you can’t. This goes back to the other question of like, How can I trick my brain into like, there’s no way to enjoy homework sucks. You’re not gonna enjoy it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I wish that I could be like, Oh, I was like, make it a disco party. Like, no. Homework sucks. You’re not going to enjoy it, but here’s what you can do. You can get really determined that homework is important to you. You’ve got to make it important to you. You’re not going to enjoy it, my love, you’re not going to enjoy it. It’s all fun that. Barrier to you getting what you want out of your life is the discomfort and boredom of doing the crappy work that you don’t want to do. The barrier to you getting what you want out of life, which is an education, good grades, a degree, the barrier to that is the discomfort of doing the mundane, boring work that you don’t feel like doing. This can also apply to those of you who have a job that you hate or have a job that you love with certain parts of it that you hate, that you’re just like, I hate this part of my job. The barrier to you being successful at your job is the discomfort of doing that work that you hate. And what I want all of us to do is increase our tolerance, increase our tolerance for boredom, increase our tolerance for discomfort, increase our tolerance to do the work that we’re just like. This is so stupid. I hate this. I keep saying to my son, I have a 17 year old. I can’t believe he’s 17. I feel so old. He just turned 17, and I just keep saying to him, like, he’ll come home from work. He works at Chick fil A. It’s adorable. He has a whole uniform and a name tag and all of the things. And he gets home, and I’m like, how’s work? And he’s like, it’s boring. And I’m like, the more you can tolerate that boredom, the more you’re gonna get what you want out of your life. I’m so proud of you for tolerating boredom today. That’s what I say to my kid. It’s what I wish my parents would say to me, right? Like I’m so proud of you for tolerating that boredom, that discomfort, because that’s how you’re gonna get what you want out of life.

All right, so my dear, who submitted this, I love learning, but I hate doing my homework. What can I do to enjoy doing the work you can’t do anything to enjoy Homework. Homework sucks. What you can do is get determined to get what you want. You can build your tolerance for discomfort. You can say what I really want and what I’m going to enjoy is having a degree. Is having an A in the class, or a B or a C in the class, passing the class. That’s what’s going to be enjoyable, and this is the pathway, and I’m willing to do it because I’m gonna get what I want, because I deserve to get what I want. You deserve to get what you want.

Ah, okay, okay, okay, let me see what all right, this is a great question, and we’re going to end here. What type of job should ADHD people do? This is like a little theme here today. What type of job should ADHD people do? ADHD people should do a job that they care about. They have to be aligned with it. They have to be connected in some way, shape or form. Now, some of you hate your job, but what you do care about is the paycheck. And to that, I say that’s a great reason to work. A paycheck is a great reason to work. And so if that’s the only thing you care about with your job, lean into that. Write a gratitude list of all of the reasons why you’re grateful for that paycheck, all of the reasons why you’re aligned with making that amount and being able to provide for yourself and your family and the people that you care about, but truly an ADHD, or again, I’m going to say it again, has an interest based nervous system. If I don’t care about it, I’m probably not going to do it. And so the job that we should do is one that allows us to do work that is meaningful to us.

There are ADHD ers in every field of life, right? Every field of of work. So it doesn’t. It’s not necessarily about like, oh, ADHD ers should be in tech or ADHD or should be entrepreneurs. It’s not necessarily that. It’s what, whoever you are and whatever your gifts are, you should, oh, I don’t like using the word should. I want to encourage you to be aligned with who you are and with what your gifting is. I want you to be aligned with the work that you’re doing. But I’ve had three completely different jobs that I’ve been successful at. I taught private voice and piano lessons, and I enjoyed it. It was great. I was successful at it. I had a private studio of 25 students a week. It was success for me. That was that was success. Now it got to the point where I just couldn’t hear another repetition of the same song, and I was kind of bored of it, and so I moved on, and I did private tutoring. I owned a learning center in my town, and I I did private tutoring, and I loved that so much, and I was really good at it. And as I grew older and as I did more work, I began to develop this understanding of myself that I’m really good working with people. I really love helping people. I really love working in a one on one capacity. And so being able to understand that about myself allowed me then to step into Oh my gosh. I love yapping away on this podcast.

Yes, and I love coaching people. I’m certified coach. I absolutely love speaking into people’s lives, and so the job that people with ADHD should do is one that they care about. It’s one that gets them out of bed in the morning. And if you’re like thinking, I don’t have a job like that, like my son, granted, he’s 17, but like Chick fil A is not his dream job, but what he does love is every other Thursday he gets a paycheck. He He loves getting a paycheck. And I love that for him, that’s great. And so that’s motivating. And if that’s your only motivation, that’s totally fine. I don’t look down on that because we got to eat we got to feed our families, we got to have a roof over our head. We want to be able to have the freedom to live life. And so I just, I don’t want to make it sound like, Oh, your job has to be super meaningful. And like, if you’re in a job that you don’t love, then you should quit it and move on. That’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is what is meaningful to you at your work, and if the only thing is the paycheck, lean into that, that’s totally fine. So the type of job that ADHD people should do is one that they care deeply about. All right, that’s it for this week. I’m sorry if I didn’t get to your question. There were so many, but I had a great time.

This has been a ride. If you want to submit more questions, follow me or hang out with me on Instagram at I have ADHD podcast, and I cannot wait to talk to you next week. I’ll see you. Then, hey, ADHD er, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focus. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes, alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more.