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Just filter your search by monthly stays and save up to $1,500. Book now at vrbo.com. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what is up? What is up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 108. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, and I am ready to roll. How are you? It is so good to be with you today. I’m so glad that you decided to press play on this podcast and I want to ask you if you are new around here, have you subscribed yet? If you haven’t, I highly encourage you to do so. Because here’s the thing, if you have adhd, your memory totally sucks. So you’ll hear an episode or two and be like, that was great. And then forget all about it. So if you click that subscribe button, guess what happens? It just magically appears in your podcast feed every single week. And so, my friend, take a second now as you’re listening to this intro to head over. I don’t know where, I don’t know what platform you listen on, but like head over to that subscribe button, click it, and then magically I will be in your podcast feed once a week, every Tuesday. So much fun. I’m so pumped for today’s episode. I am so pumped. I am always glad to continue the series. ADHD is not just for white people. And today I am incredibly honored to have my client, Jennifer Daniels on the show. Jen totally bears her soul to all of us and talks about growing up as a biracial woman whose father father was First Nations Canadian. We talk about all the things, ignorance, intergenerational trauma, creating an ADHD scaffolding and using therapy and coaching to move into true healing. I know you will be so uplifted by what you hear today. But before we get rolling as usual on these episodes, I want to highlight for you one of my black colleagues, Ada Sewell. And Ada has adhd. She coaches adults with adhd and I can personally vouch for her as she is a community manager in my focused program. I mean, she is so good. I love her. I have loved getting to know Ada over the last couple months and the tagline on her website is everything it says creativity coaching that won’t make your brain cry. Like the humor, the wit, I love it so much. So if you’d like to connect with Ada, Visit her website adasul.com or find her on Instagram oachadasul and of course I will link her information in the show notes. All right, now here’s my conversation on being indigenous and ADHD with my dear client Jennifer Daniels. Well, thank you for being here. No problem. I love it. Good. I’m so glad. I’m so looking forward to people hearing your story. So why don’t you introduce yourself for us? Who are you? What’s your name? Where are you at? Tell us a little bit about yourself. So my name is Jennifer. I’m 42 years old. I’m married to a wonderful man who has been such a good rock and support. He’s my best friend. We have a wonderful dog named Tacoma, a golden retriever and two cats. I hail from London, Ontario, Canada. My background in my career, I’ve worked in film and television in costume and wardrobe. That is what I went. I went to school for fashion design, but it kind of just like evolved out of the gates into like working in TV and film. And then I kind of evolved into the world of retail and wholesale merchandising. I worked for a large apparel company and I’ve just sort of lived in the world of business for the last almost 10 years. I’ve had quite a, quite a great adventure in my career. You know, I love sports, as I mentioned, I love football and I love cooking tailgate food and I love baking and I love crafting and I love embroidery, quilting, like. And I actually just started a pottery class. I used to be in an art program that was like a three year program in high school. And it’s something I still miss to this day. I miss that environment and that, that, that hub of creativity. So I kind of took a step for the first time and just put myself out there and joined a pottery class. So I’m loving it. And so those are just some of the few things about me. So this episode is one in the series of, you know, ADHD is not just for white people. So we’re going to be talking a lot about your racial identity and how that played into your ADHD experience as a child and now as an adult. So tell us a little bit about your racial identity. Okay. So my parents had me young, so I mean, that wasn’t unusual in the late 70s. You know, my mom was 19 when she had me and my dad was 2021. My dad is native Canadian and he came from a family of nine kids. So he is a baby boomer. And my mother is white and has, you know, like British ancestry, German ancestry. My grandmother’s German. So she came from a working class household in a neighboring town. But my father and his family were associated with the Six nations, so. So with the Mohawk community, that is just about an Hour and a half away from where I live. So that’s my grandpa’s side and then my mother’s grandmother’s side is not far located the community not far from London. I’d say like 20 minutes away. Oh, wow. So I’m a mixture of a couple of things on that side. So I am, I do identify as bi racial and I have a brother as well who’s younger than me. We grew up in the city and you know, grew up in the 80s. And in the 80s it was just, it’s just unbelievable looking back, sort of like the perspective that people or the ideas and the stereotypes that they would have about indigenous people back then. Like it was not, it’s not rare now. A lot of. There’s a lot of indigenous folks that live in the city, everywhere, all over. But back then like you would get questions about you guys, don’t you. I live on the reservation. Right. Or, or your, your mom’s white. I just think everyone assumed that I would, I was, you know, that I was living on a reservation. They couldn’t believe that I lived in the city, that my parents were unwed. That was not normal. I grew up on a street with a lot of Catholic families, working class. So we always kind of felt a little bit out of place there as well. So like just really we dealt with a lot of, of that ignorance, I guess, like just misinformation or whatever. So it was very interesting question about that. What is that like? Or if, if you’re willing to kind of explore with me like as a kid or teen having all of those questions being asked of you probably constantly, maybe every time you met. Oh gosh, my brother and I would just start making stuff up. It was like people didn’t have a filter or didn’t think before they asked. They would just be like, are you native or are you Spanish or are you Portuguese? Why first off, what are you like? I. Right. I just don’t understand why we. If you don’t know, like, it was a lot of the first time I would meet people, that’s the first thing we need to get out of the way. I guess. Like that’s what people would ask me from the hop and I, my brother and I would make fun of, like we just, we shrugged it off or it would just become annoying because I don’t owe you an explanation. If I’m willing to share with you or talk about that, I will let you know. But I just think people were very more forward about it than they should have been. And I Felt like I had to owe them an explanation. What difference does it make? And if it’s small talk, sure. I get. I appreciate the small talk, which I hate, but I respect that. But there are other things like you might want to talk about first. And maybe we get to know each other in other ways before we. We go there, but that’s what it was like for us. And to this day, we sometimes still get that. It still comes up once in a while. Yeah, absolutely. And a lot of the time it’s people who are curious and want to know more and respect it, respect the culture and respect, you know, so sort of respect more or less now, but it was quite, quite ignorant and kind of annoying for us. Yeah, I can imagine. And we will be chatting about this identity of, like, not fitting in. And I’m sure that that must have perpetuated that for you over and over. Just like another reminder or another, like, confirmation bias almost, you know. Yes. Of that. Yeah, absolutely. So before we get there, tell me a little bit about your diagnosis experience. So you have adhd. What has your journey been like in receiving that diagnosis? It’s a heavy question. I’m already exhausted. I haven’t even answered yet. Growing up, I always knew, aside from the race factor, that there was something different about me. If it wasn’t music and if it wasn’t hands on. I even loved science and biology because it was hands on, you know, art, Anything that wasn’t hands on or anything that was boring to me, I didn’t care. And I was always the kid that was like two steps behind in class. If the teacher cracked a joke or asked a question and then I’d catch up and I was late to the party on laughing or even getting the jokes or whatever, I just knew that I was this daydreaming kid that was a little bit different than the others. And that carried through into high school. And I always had that feeling, that vibe deep down inside. And I never really thought to explore it. I didn’t even think there was anything to explore because in the 80s, it wasn’t on anyone’s radar, really. You know, they were looking for the stereotypical troublemakers. I was a different kind of troublemaker. I was a class clown. But if I got in trouble, you know, I did get in trouble from time to time. But like, I always passed school, I always had somewhat decent grades and I was always, you know, athletic. And there was just something there that I think I just skimmed under that radar. Like it was a very thin line. But when the teacher Says I’m good enough to pass. It doesn’t concern me that that was what could have been the issue. So I went throughout life thinking, oh, I’m just like, I guess I’m as good as the other kids, but I really like things that really interest me and if it’s boring, I don’t want to show up for class. I don’t care. So school had its ups and downs and I had my hyper focus areas and throughout life. But like in my career, I got to this place where it became overwhelming for me and I was finding myself struggling and it was very frustrating as I had always achieved and worked my way up from the bottom in every place I’ve ever succeeded. And you know, there were always learning curves and for everyone neurotypical or not. So like, I. It wasn’t until things got to a point where I was struggling and there was frustration and things were just sort of in my mind, out of character, surfacing in my career, my work that I was doing. And you know, I cared so much, obviously about my career. That was sort of like the catalyst to really looking for answers. I was, I always say this, now I’ve adopted it is don’t, because I get frustrated and angry and go in these shame spirals and wasn’t doing me any good. And then someone once said, and I can’t remember where or what, but it said, don’t get furious, get curious. Oh, I love that. Ask yourself questions and you owe it to yourself. You own you. No one else does. The situation doesn’t own you. You own your life. And it’s up to you to ask yourself the questions and to explore why the why, find out the why, like. And that sort of is something that kind of became prevalent in my work life. The why is a very predominant thing where I work, where I come from, in my career. So I applied that to my, to me personally. And then I started hunting around on the Internet looking. I talked to, I was seeing a therapist at the time just because I was in this place where I was so miserable, unhappy, anxious and depressed because I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was so unhappy. And then she suggested, is this. Do you think maybe you have something undiagnosed? And so. And I said, that’s a good point. She’s like, well, when you think about it, like, look back in school, look back in certain places and try and remember if there’s anything that might be an indicator. And so I took that, I took that to heart and I put that to work. And I did hunting on the Internet. And to be honest, Kristin, that’s where I kind of found you first, is I took the step and listened to the podcast and just like I had seen some things on the Internet of the signs and do the test online and all that, and it all sort of started falling into place. But listening to you and put it into words and scenarios and sort of like that’s how things kind of stick with me or how I process things. As I started to hear more, it kind of scared the crap out of me because I’m like, this is real. This is not something that I can’t wait any longer. Like, I have to do something here. So I started researching assessment centers. Found one in Toronto. And that was about two years ago that I found them, contacted them and made arrangements with my doctor in this assessment center. I was on a long waiting list and I went in for an assessment. And that was probably one of the heaviest days of my life because I was exploring things that I never realized. And then a month later they diagnosed me. I was diagnosed at the age of 41. Wow. And it felt like a relief. But I also had that silly victim mentality is why me? Like, I already have all these other things I’m dealing with and that. But why, why do I have to have it? You know, like, why do I have like. But I was like, no, this is a good thing. This is a blessing. You are lucky that you and fortunate that you have these resources. So I just kind of like just had to put it all into perspective and see it as this is a gift to and have this knowledge. Because knowledge is power. And knowing more about me than ever I had ever known. I was like, wow, this explained so much throughout my life. This explains so much. And just I’m still exploring things to this day that I was like, ah, okay. All those light bulb moments, I’ve had many along the way, but that was one of the biggest ones. Getting, getting that momentum going, getting that diagnosis, that assessment, you know, all of that and feeling relieved. It just really took a lot of weight off my shoulders. And then from there I was like, okay, well what are we going to do about this? First thing I did was sign up for focused. Yeah. How long have you been in? I think I joined while last February. I think it was last February of 2020. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. Yep. Before the pandemic hit. Yeah. So that made for a more complex compound institute learning curve situation. Right. So totally. Because I am a hands on person. Just I’m certain it’s the case for a lot of people. But yeah, so that was. I’ve been a member since February and proud to be one to this day. And it’s really helped open my eyes to so many other things. I’m glad I joined. I’m so happy to hear that. That’s so amazing. So what help have you implemented for yourself? So you’ve joined focused. Have you chosen to be medicated or have you chosen not to be medicated? What does that look like? So I didn’t look to get medicated right out of the gate. I wanted to start with the community first and that regard, that part of the support that I could find immediately I held off on the meds because I wasn’t sure. And I kind of. I think listening to some people’s adventures of medication in the community has sort of helped give me an idea of what to expect. It is a trial and error. It’s going to take some time. What you try first may not work out right. You might have to try this or that. So I think I was just trying to gather the information first to see what it would entail to try medication. Before I went ahead and proceeded with that, it got. But yeah, like, I think it was probably about three to four months after my diagnosis that I touched, reached out to my doctor, said, you know, with the diagnosis, I’d like to explore medication options. So I’ve actually been working with a wonderful nurse practitioner who has been guiding me through that. And I would say it’s taken almost a year to find the right medication and the right dosage that works for me. And I also wanted to mention, and I wonder if our community out there, our members are dealing with this as well. So I was also diagnosed a few months later with sleep apnea. I spent my whole life. Well, we all have a hard time falling asleep. And I’ve never, like, I struggled my whole life. Even when I was a kid, having poor sleep, having low energy. And I took it upon myself. I’m like, well, now that I’ve explored this one part of my life, I think we need to start addressing. It motivated me to address other areas that needed attention. And I must say, like, with that diagnosis, I feel like that in combination with what I’m trying with ADHD has helped immensely. I’ve been on a CPAP machine. I have actual restful sleep. Just starting to. Now it’s been a few months. It takes time. So I feel like now that I’ve had the right medication and the effects of the sleep apnea, my Symptoms are, like, under control, a little bit better because I’m getting the rest and I’m able to stay better focused from both of those areas thanks to both of them because I found that lack of sleep really exacerbated my symptoms, and I’ve seen a massive improvement with those two things. That’s amazing. I would just love, since you brought it up, like, what should people look out for? Like, if someone’s listening and they’re, like, curious if maybe sleep apnea is a thing for them too, what are things that they might want to look for? If you have a high blood pressure, that is one big factor. If you have a dry throat when you wake up, do you have migraines? I had migraines, a dry throat all the time. I found that I got sick more with colds and sinus problems, had a hard time waking up, and I would always be low energy. I felt like I was at the bottom of the tank all day, every day. And it was. It was always, obviously hard to stay focused in things like meetings or whatever. If you really, really, really struggle with focusing in things in settings that are like that, those all could be things to look out for. I can certainly say I haven’t had a migraine since. And I have not. I have not had a sore throat or sinus problems or any thing like that that I’ve. And I don’t snore, which my husband is grateful for. That’s awesome. I love that. Snoring is a big part. Okay, so snoring is a big part. I love that. Your step of getting an ADHD diagnosis was a motivator and a catalyst for you to say, like, okay, what other areas of my life could I improve by maybe exploring and getting a diagnosis and treatment for that? Yeah. And it’s sort of branched out to other areas, like tonsils, if you have large tonsils that can be associated with sleep apnea. I was going to ear, nose, and throat doctor and ruling that out, just like now that I’ve got that ball rolling. And this is a good thing for people out there who are waffling or struggling with taking that first step. The first step is definitely. It may not be easy, but nothing comes easy. And what’s on the other side is wonderful. And there’s a whole new world to explore out there. Like, I hated going to the doctor. I hated. I avoided the dentist, the doc. I avoided so many things over the years. But once you get going, it’s great. And you got to take care of yourself on every level Physically, mentally, like it all connects, all of it. Totally agree. So medication is, is. I’m so happy to find a place. And so right now I don’t have a therapist, I don’t have it covered. So I’m trying to explore therapy because it is definitely something that I have to get back into. So for me, the struggle is finding subsidized therapy or access to therapy that can sort of focus on the trauma and the adhd. But I’m fortunate that in my first nations community that I am registered to, there’s lots of wonderful health and well being resources that they offer virtually when there’s no pandemic. There’s a lot of like hands on and in person stuff, but they try to make those programs and resources offered to the community and they do offer therapy. And the great thing about that is that they have that deep understanding of those patterns of the trauma and the effects on first nations people. So I’m exploring that as an option and maybe it’s a matter of trying to find out what else is out there that I can sort of address the ADHD piece as well. So it’s going to take a bit of a village, really for me. I feel like it does. Yes. I totally love that. And, and I was just recording a podcast right before you and I met together, which will be out by the time that this podcast is out about the scaffolding that we need. And I think that’s what you’re describing is like your specific, like, specific to you, your specific scaffolding and you brought up trauma and I would love to explore this with you. And I just want to take a minute and say thank you for being willing to talk about this on this podcast because talking about trauma and, and bringing up these memories, it is difficult. And I’m actually back in therapy as well. And, and I just know the heaviness of kind of stuff stirring up the past and I know that is not easy. And so I just want to honor that willingness in you. Thank you so much for being willing to do that. Yes, absolutely. And I know that for you as a First Nations Canadian, intergenerational trauma was huge. And I would assume for a lot of my BIPOC listeners that intergenerational trauma is something that they’ve struggled with as well. And it’s something that we’ve never spoken of on this podcast. So would you be willing to tell us a little bit about your experience and how that kind of played into your story? Yes. As I mentioned before, my parents had me quite young My father’s family is native. And I never really knew much about our background. I never really knew much about our culture. I was never taught. It was never really talked about. You know, I think the most experience I had as a child growing up was going to community gatherings and powwows and things like that that took place. And we would just go to eat and hang out and socialize and, you know, see the. The art and the. And the crafts and just sort of like spending time being exposed to the culture from that perspective. But when it came to the deep history and it came to my family history, no one shared that with me. The adults in my life didn’t share that with me or my brother. And I never asked, but it always just seemed like there was this, I don’t know, this cloud of something that sat down over us as a family, that. Something sad or something. You know, maybe there’s tragedy in the past or whatever. And there’s been a lot of tragedies in my family. We’ve lost a lot of loved ones over the years, far too young, especially. And that’s. That’s a. We had a. We have a big family. We just never asked questions. And my brother and I sort of. I think, as I’ve learned, come to learn today. My aunt, who has been very willing and open to share some history with me, I sat down with her and I had conversations about, what do you know? I think I’m ready to ask, because I was always afraid to ask questions in general as a person in any way, shape or form. So I just wanted her to give me an overview, like, where do we come from? Who is my great grandfather? Who are my great grandparents? And she shared some wonderful information with me that I found so fascinating and couldn’t believe it. And I used to just shake off that I didn’t really need to know much. I didn’t need to know anything. I haven’t been told, so I guess I don’t really need to know. And my aunt shared that my grandfather, I believe, was in a residential school. And as people know, residential schools, you know, had existed, you know, from the late 1800s and for about 100 years. Like, there were. I was told there were still some of the last residential schools existed, even in the early 90s. The experience there was. Was. Was terrible. Kids lost their lives running away, and kids went missing. The kids that left carried years and years of pain from the experience. And then those kids have families, and then those kids have families. And as you would know, our parents come from a Place those generations prior to us. You don’t talk about things. You don’t talk about those heavy things. You kept it quiet. Like, you know, people always tell me about grandparents that were in the war. You never asked them. And there was an unspoken. You just never talked about it. Or people who were born out of wedlock, you didn’t talk about that. But the parents got married, and those are the generations. And how they didn’t talk. That’s just how it is. And so we’re dealing with compounded generations of not dealing with it, not processing it, not sharing it, not getting it out of them in a cathartic and healing way. And it came out in other ways. It came out in abuse, physically, mentally, you know, alcoholism and. And drug use, addiction, and so many other other ways. Now that I know what I know, I can understand why my household was the way that it was. And it wasn’t a great place for a child to be. It was not the most nurturing environment, and it was my brother and I walking on eggshells. I felt like I didn’t have the full childhood experience. I was sort of afraid every day or worrying, and a kid shouldn’t worry. I spent my childhood worrying about not having the things that other kids had. We were low income. I couldn’t always go on class trips, and my parents didn’t always have a car. And my parents were always different than the other parents. That gives a child. Well, kids are mean, naturally, like about these things. And so then it gives you a complex, and then you’re self conscious about not having the money and the security that the other kids have, and why are we moving again? Or, you know. And I grew up in a household that. That if I spoke back, it was trouble, it was bad. My brother and I endured a lot of painful times and witnessed a lot of things that children shouldn’t have to see. It wasn’t until my brother and I were older that we understood that there was undealt pain, that there was. How did I hear it? That this intergenerational thing is basically passing on the pain that was not dealt with. And there’s a lot of pain rooted there. And I thought, well, you just get older and you move on, and then once it’s away from you, that’s it. But no, it carries on with you until you’re ready, until you’re willing, until you want to deal with it. So when my parents split up and it was for the greater good, I had a lot of anger and frustration and years of not having the freedom that a child would have and it built up and I was like this, this pressure cooker by the time I was 15. And I was angry and I was furious and so compound that with the unknown of the ADHD that’s there and then the anger and the trauma built up. Made for a very interesting time for my mother, my poor dear mother, who did her best, she did the best she could, but I gave her a run for her money. I was a problem child essentially and I wanted to make up for lost time, right, do what I wanted to do. And my brother, my poor brother, he just did what he was supposed to do, he did what he was told. But I was this free spirited jerk of a kid. But I always had these visions. I was always creative, the creative one. And my brother was the jock or the sports guy and I just, I think I was just trying to escape whatever needed to be dealt with. And I was put in therapy for anger issues and I was very much a hothead and I rejected it all. I rejected it all and I didn’t want, and I wasn’t ready, I guess. And that even carried on into my 20s and my 30s in a lot of other ways. And there’s a lot of things I can’t go back and fix and so I get to live with these things. But I’m learning to. What is that? Pardon myself. So good, I just got to chill. A lot of pardoning happening up in here. So it’s really carried on into my life. And sadly that’s enough in itself to deal with the intergenerational trauma. But then you’re taking ADHD and it’s just become so much more compounded. I have to like almost double learn. I’m learning from two different angles, I guess you could say, on how to become Gen 2.0 through the avenues of the trauma and the ADHD and coming together as one to be my better version of me that I’m striving to be. So it’s just that much more complex. But anyone that knows me knows that things are always complicated with me. I’m the queen of not being simple or, you know, I have, my husband’s the best sounding board, you know, like it’s wonderful if you have that person in your life that brings you down from the clouds of confusion or, you know, the overthinking of everything. So, you know, it’s, it’s not an easy journey. Right. You know, it’s, it’s very challenging and I’m, I’m so happy to have this knowledge to move ahead. Right. And forge ahead. So, yeah. What does Gen 2.0 look like when you envision her? Because I think you’re pretty freaking awesome right now. Thank you. And my interaction with you, I’m like, this is gen 2.0. But. But what’s your perspective when you think about the future? You. What’s different about her? I think that I have a lot of work to do in terms of changing my thought patterns that I’ve made a habit of using for 36 years. Still struggling to change my narrative on things, still struggling to. To give myself credit, to think in an objective manner and not resorting to those terrible thought pattern habits that are hard to shake. Like, that is sort of like the 2.0, I imagine, is the person that knows how to manage or handle things when the ADHD gremlins want to take over in your mind. Learning how to, like, reel it back in, learning how to navigate and identifying red flags and just sort of like finding the way to navigate and what works for me and to be, I think, happy. There’s been no happiness for a long time. I was sad. Still feel sad a little bit. But gen 2.0 has to get a grip and better manage those gremlins and navigate to get what she wants and to do it with confidence and to tell shame to take a hike. Because I feel like that shame cloud still hangs over my head no matter how hard I try to fight it. That I could just be one day, just screw off, Shane. Like, just don’t even start. Like, just get the heck out of here. I don’t need you. Like, it’s just getting better at those thought patterns, you know, and that’s why I’m fascinated with maybe exploring neuroelasticity and, you know, all of those other things that we have out there to explore. So. But one step at a time, like, we gotta deal with the healing and the pain and the history and to try and just get through all that and just take it to the next step. So it’s always gonna be work in progress for the rest of my life. That’s. That maintenance will always be needed. And that’s another part of the 2.0. Consistency is a struggle, but to just do your best, don’t beat yourself up and keep working on it, no matter how you can, just as long as you keep working on it. Right. Persistent. Yes, Absolutely. Love it. When we were corresponding via email, one of the themes of your life basically that I was noticing was this thought pattern of like, I do not fit in. You have a lot of evidence for that, right? And there’s. There’s been a lot of just bias and aggressions or microaggressions or whatever. Like so many things that have fed into that narrative. But tell me a little bit about how you recognize, like, oh, this is a thought. Like, I don’t fit in is a thought. Like, tell me a little bit about that journey for you. Okay. When I was growing up and dealing with all the. Dealing with all of the noise of growing up as a biracial indigenous child, you know, experiencing racism directly from other kids and experiencing racism even from other children’s parents, like, we don’t want you playing with them. Like those kids. Like, it existed out. It was ugly and nasty. I just can’t believe when I look back, even to think that that existed, you know, and then just always feeling different because of my family structure or dynamic. The worst thing, I think the worst, one of the worst enemies is comparing yourself. And that’s just like something that sort of was also there, comparing yourself. And so that’s how my life was sort of like framed from the get go or whatever of feeling like you didn’t fit in. It carried on to a point. Well, I guess when I got into high school, like, I didn’t even feel like I fit in with other native people. Like, if I wasn’t full Native, it didn’t matter. Like, you’re only half kind of thing. Like, that was the attitude. Like in my high school, there was a lot of tension because there were the native. There was the native crowd, like, and there were a lot of crowds in, you know, minorities that sort of stayed in their bubble, that had their own social bubble. There was a lot of that in my high school. My high school was a wonderful high school. It was extremely diverse and cultured and just it was a great school. And I talk about it all the time, how great that school is. And a lot of other people from other schools ended up going there. That’s just how great it was. But like, there was that tension between different groups and I didn’t feel like I was accepted because I was half. And then I felt like I wasn’t accepted because I wasn’t all white. But, you know, so, like, that’s how I felt in high school. And then it carried on into like my college days and my post college getting into the work field. I kind of almost became a habit in my narrative to just already resort that I was not fitting in. And so I would get this guard or I would not Let people in because I didn’t want rejection, didn’t want to get that anymore. So I just almost like almost already automatically went there to the corner of the room and assumed that I wasn’t fitting in. And I even noticed that carried on like when I met my husband in social settings, other married couples and other, you know, his friends, I just kind of always thought, why? They all went to the same high school, they’re all close, they’ve known each other for a long time. I just already automatically resorted to not fitting in. And the thing is, it’s like that wasn’t always true. You know, so many wonderful people in my life I, I’ve connected with and became good friends with and that wasn’t what was going on. It was all up here, you know, and I probably missed out on some good friendships, some real whole friendships because I was too busy protecting myself or already dictating what the situation was going to be and so that you’re missing out on that. And there were times when I look back where I’m still really good friends, made some really good friends that I love and they’re the greatest people and so happy they’re in my life. And I was, I, the line was so thin that I would dismiss them or assume I wouldn’t like them. And I’m so glad I didn’t go to the go there because now I have these great people. So it makes you wonder how many people you’ve missed out on. But you can’t look back. You just got to move ahead and know that that’s not how it is. And don’t let that thought control what the outcome is for you. If you haven’t even given these people a chance, why is it up to them to reach out to me? Like, you know, like, so I’ve learned so much and I’ve learned this and I realized this, this bad thought and what I, what was going on. I didn’t realize that until like maybe five months ago. Like it didn’t hit me. And that comes with that evolvement I was explaining earlier. Yeah. How did it hit you? Do you remember? Oh gosh, I think it hit me how I think again in the times of pandemic, not seeing people and I’m an, I was always like self labeling as antisocial and introverted, which I can be. But I was like when I got to that point, like a lot of people did were like, I’m actually missing people. I don’t like where you’re like missing stuff and people and Things and human contact, I think that is when it happened was maybe over the summer when we were allowed to actually interact again with people and go places. And I was starting to see what it’s like when you have no choice and you can’t socialize and now you can. And I think that’s when it hit me with it. I was like, somehow I talk to people, strangers and people I don’t know naturally now, because I don’t let that thing get in the way. I’m like, I just noticed I had no guard up. I was so happy to just see people that I. That I made these realizations. I think that’s when it came up. That’s so fascinating. Yeah, that is so fascinating. So how are you working to unravel those narratives? Because the thing is, like, racism exists and you’ve experienced that and not fitting in exists. Right? Rejection exists. Like all of those things are actual facts that exist in the world. And then we also have this layer of the protective story that we’ve created for ourselves where it’s like, I’m not even going to bother try so that I protect myself from rejection. Which is completely understandable. Right? It’s so understandable. And. And in some ways we’re all operating out of our traumas, right? We’re all in this, like, protective stance. So how are you working to unravel these things? Still knowing though, that like, racism does exist and rejection and not fitting in exists, how do you balance that? I guess is my question, and I don’t even know if there’s a good answer. I’m just curious. I think that I kind of have to approach. The way I think I feel I need to approach it is that they’re two separate things that sometimes have to be dealt with separately. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I think that now that there is more of an understanding and awareness now out there about the racism, about the first nations people and the whole reconciliation thing, you know, I think the awareness is out there. There’s still a lot more to do with that. So much has to change. So much has to be done. I think that luckily that awareness, I think I’m already that even that and some friends, like I have some wonderful friends who want to educate themselves more about it. I think having. Having that support, having that awareness already out there helps with that whole fitting in narrative. I think that it’s changed a lot over the years. It was once more of a struggle, but it’s still a struggle. I don’t know how else to word it, but how to unravel that and balance both. I just think that I take things with a grain of salt, try to keep educating myself and knowing in my ADHD brain that things have evolved, but we still got a lot of work to do and that I just have to work through things. When the thoughts come through, I have to learn to manage those thoughts and know how far we’ve evolved so far with the first nations issues and all of that, and being indigenous, I think, and taking what I’ve learned in my coaching and in my community and just sort of like, taking it all step by step and kind of like, it’s a little bit delicate right now for me, but I think if I just keep working away at those areas, the best way that I know in a positive manner that’s constructive, I think it’ll get better in time and in practice and that it’ll hopefully come naturally, that’ll have trained my brain. I have to say, I never used to be one that kind of was curious about their culture. If anything, there was some shame there because people made you feel shameful. You know, like, it was just everything I’ve described to you in my life, all the events, like, it’s amazing. Like, I already had the shame from being this race that people had a stereotype attitude about, and. And then I had the adhd, and that just made it even more of a snowball. But, you know, now that I’m educated and trying to do more and bring more awareness and exploring my culture, because I didn’t think that I needed to do that, but I very much did. And knowing everything I know already about my history made me feel like there was a void that was fulfilled there. I feel, like, more complete. So, you know, there was a time where there was shame, but this is who I am, and I’m embracing it. I am educating myself. There’s a lot more education that I need to learn because it was embarrassing if people ask me things. I didn’t know how to answer it. So I’m proud. I’m proud, and I’ll always do what I can to share my story and help others out there and to do myself justice and to try and do what I can for our people and for our community in the ADHD world. So it’s a lot of work, and you got to be kind to yourself and ask questions, Always ask questions. Me being afraid of asking questions can be the one little thing that keeps you from evolving and exploring and finding out how much more greatness you can achieve. In your life. So I don’t know. That was a loaded question. I love that. That was a really hard question. And I love, I love that answer. I appreciate that so much. And of course there’s not like a right answer or wrong answer. I’m still kind of learning as I go along. I think I’ll always find new angles or explore a better way, you know, to, to grasp these things, to sort of tackle them and, you know, so always learning. And that’s a good thing. Continuous learning is important. What I was thinking of when you were speaking, and I’m curious if this is kind of like in a nutshell, what you were saying. What I was thinking of is that when you said you’re thinking about it as two separate things, maybe what you were, what you were saying is like, there is racism and of course it’s horrible and of course you experience it and it’s a real thing. And then there’s my thoughts that are holding me back and that’s a separate thing. And they don’t have to be intertwined. Like there’s racism and I’m going to deal with that and I’m going to build up my own protective mechanisms and I’m going to my own cultural identity and all of that, but it’s still going to be there and it’s still going to be hard. But then there’s my own thought over here that I, that you notice now is holding you back. That you notice now like, oh, this has, this is a thought and it’s. This is not necessarily always the truth. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. And I just want to mention imposter syndrome. That is something I’ve struggled with in a lot of situations. And I never really knew that was a thing until I joined this community. And I’m so glad I know about it. Knowing these things have sort of empowered me to be more self aware. And I think that also is a contributing factor to these unhealthy thoughts that I’m. That I lived with and made a habit of using and not, you know, I didn’t even know it. Like, that’s the thing. Like we’ve all, until we get our diagnosis, have had these blind spots we didn’t even know existed until someone just told you or you realized or you heard a story or something resonates with you or hits you and it’s a nerve. Yeah. Yes. Okay. So, yeah, I, I had lots of blind spots. I still have some and I’m still working on them, you know, so that’s why I’m so thankful that you are willing to share your story, because I do really believe. And actually, I’m becoming more and more convinced of this as I talk to you and other clients. That, like, story is so important. Our stories are so important. And to hear the feedback in focused from these episodes where you’re willing to be vulnerable, you’re willing to be honest, you’re willing to kind of, like, relive these painful moments. It is unlocking something inside of other people who are listening. And it’s such a gift that you’re giving. It’s such a gift. I appreciate it. It’s just been a. It’s been a long and winding road, you know, like years of not knowing a lot. No knowledge. Yeah. You know, and, you know, losing friends, hurting people, all those residual effects, you know, not even knowing that and realizing that I was hurting others or hurting myself, burning bridges or being careless and not taking care of myself, like all of those, you know, byproducts. I just think that sharing the story of how you come out of all that is going to help others, because others might be living in those places right now and not really knowing how to make the right step to where they need to go, hearing other people’s stories. I think that’s how I managed to get that first foot in the door to seeking that diagnosis. You know, some of it was your stories, you know, like, that sort of gave me that push. So. And you have this great community you put. You started, and it’s grown. Like, this is telling you right here. This is proof that there is something more for you to build your life and do the work. And there’s hope. I felt hopeless so many times. Like, I have hope for the first time in so long. Like, I’ve never. It’s such a shock to my system. So there is hope for those people out there and take that first step. So that was going to be my closing question, and I think you just answered it, but I’ll give you a second to add anything else that you might want to add. My last question is, like, what words of encouragement might you have for my indigenous listeners, whether they’re Native Canadian or Native American or any Native anywhere. Right. What encouragement might you have for them if they’re maybe considering a diagnosis or considering, like, wading into the past, like, trauma stuff and the. The intergenerational kind of, like, cloud that might be hanging over that? That seems like, my gosh, this is so overwhelming, I don’t even want to touch it. Like, what? Yeah, what words of like soothing calm might you have for them? Again, my favorite saying is, don’t get furious, get curious. Look at things how they are now and ask yourself what you can do to help yourself to become what it is you want to be. And I think, you know, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, and that’s where I was. I was overwhelmed to a point where I didn’t know what’s the first step? Who do I ask? What do I do? You know, this is all new. This could be all new to someone. These realizations or the idea that maybe you have adhd. Just know that. Just know that you need to take that first step somehow. And it could be as simple as telling a friend or a family member first. There’s no shame in taking that first step and sharing it with someone. When I made that first step of sharing with someone in particular, it turned out that their husband had adhd. Wow. And we never talked about that before. She shared that with me when I had the idea that this was what it was that I had. And that was probably the best thing I ever did. You just never know who might you reach out to, might know something or someone. So from there I would reach out to him. And he currently is always willing to offer support anytime. So it’s going to take you out of your comfort zone, that first step. And things might not be easy towards getting a diagnosis or treatment, but you’ll grow and evolve more through that process. It takes work, but just know that there are communities out there waiting to support you. Because I feel like the resources out there right now, and especially for adhd, ADHD years with adults, it’s out there. The resources to support you along the way. Honestly, the Slack program or the Slack community is wonderful. It’s like the best sounding board, you know, so the effects of community support makes a world of difference. Huge. Huge. So the first step is what it takes. I mean, just look, it started with one thing and then it snowballed and branched out into other areas. It made me more motivated to want to find out what else I could do. Sleep apnea thing. Like, it’s just amazing how everything is connected. So that first step is all it takes. That’s so beautiful. And I think that you speaking of this first step is so important because I think for most of us, the first step there is the hardest. Yeah, the first step is like. Some people describe it as like the wall of awful, you know, like the wall of awful between where you are now and that first step is just gigantic. And so the encouragement that you give there is just beautiful because I think. Yeah. And for my fellow indigenous people, we do. It may vary from community to community. Maybe some aren’t comfortable with sharing that with their community, but there’s a community out there somewhere that will support you and embrace you. If you want to be private about it, you don’t want to involve your community, but then, you know, maybe some. I would advise or suggest, suggest rather take advantage of the resources that your community would offer you. I don’t know. The range probably is different and varies. Right. So if you’re willing to share with your community or you. You want to take advantage, like, just take advantage of what, what might be available for you. Either way, you’re going to have a community to support you. And that, I think, is a major factor in your. In your journey. It is for me, and I’m. And I’m preaching about it. And this is coming from someone who is quiet sometimes and like, shy. And that’s what I can say. And I hope that that can help someone out there. Yeah, I’m sure it will. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for coming and for. For sharing your story and for just the encouragement that you offer. You’re so soothing to chat with and I know that you are going to be encouraging so many listeners. So I appreciate you. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation, you know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn’t find anything, so I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for your. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already being benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will, too. Go to ihaveadhd.com focus for all the details.
