This episode is sponsored by CURE Hydration. All right, I’m going to be real with you. Drinking water is boring. My ADHD brain is like, wait, we have to do this again? Like every day, multiple times. What in the world? And because I’m running from meetings to coaching calls to kid chaos, staying hydrated is not something I’m naturally good at. It’s not something I naturally think about. That’s why I’ve been obsessed with Cure hydration packs lately. CURE is a plant based hydrating electrolyte mix with no added sugar, only 25 calories, and it actually tastes good. The watermelon and berry pomegranate have been on repeat for me. I’m actually like really running low on those flavors, which is so sad. They’re refreshing without being too sweet or artificial. It feels like my water finally has a little bit of personality, which I enjoy. I really do. What I love most is that CURE uses a science backed formula that hydrates as effectively as an IV drip. So when I’m scrambling through my day forgetting my water again, CURE helps me to catch up fast. I throw a few packs in my bag and it makes drinking enough water simple, which for my ADHD brain is basically a miracle. So staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love Cure. It’s clean, tastes great, and it actually works. And bonus, CURE is FSA HSA approved. So you can use those funds to stay hydrated. The smart way For I have ADHD podcast listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com IhaveADHD with the code IHAVEADHD. And if you get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about CURE right here on the podcast. It really does help to support the show. Don’t just drink more water, also upgrade it with cure. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you’re listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 148. I am medicated, I am caffeinated and I am ready to roll. Happy March, y’. All. Spring Is here. Ish. Okay, I guess spring is not here, but it’s right around the corner, so they say. And I am dying for the Pennsylvania weather to turn warm. I am ready for 90 degree days and lots of humidity and all of the frizzy curly hair that comes with that. I am so ready. Let’s go. Hi. The Carter fam is still two and a half weeks away from moving, so you can just guess the stress level. The house is being finished up, but life is pretty dang good. I’ve gotta say, life is pretty good. I’m excited. We are really looking forward to being in our new house. Kids are having all sorts of different feelings. Some are feeling scared, some are feeling anxious, but also there’s a heavy dose of excitement as well. And for the first time ever, my middle child will have his own room. In 11 years, he’s never had his own room, which is totally fine. He is very excited to have his own room. So he gets to experience that in just a couple weeks and I am so excited for him. Today’s episode is a miracle. It is a miracle that you are hearing this today. We almost didn’t have an episode for you. So many, many things went wrong last week with our podcast. Not just one podcast interview, but two podcast interviews. All the things went wrong. But we’re making it work. We are making it work and I’m really pumped. I’m so glad we can make it work because I’ve got a five part series planned for you. March is International Women’s Month and I’ve never actually done an episode on women and adhd, which might sound shocking, but I, I haven’t wanted to touch this topic because I have so much drama around it. I didn’t want to explore it. But we’re doing it. We are doing it. So I thought it would be fun to dedicate the entire five weeks of March to understanding and celebrating women with adhd. How fun does that sound? I’m really excited about it. We’ve been planning it for quite a while and it’s finally here. Now listen, even if you’re not a woman, chances are that you are to or married to or friends with a woman who has adhd. Maybe your mom has ADHD or your daughter, or maybe you suspect your boss has adhd. So listening to this month’s series of episodes will give you some deep understanding and insight into the female brain as it relates to adhd. It’s going to be well worth tuning in for whether you are male or female. Okay, so on today’s episode, I interview two of my colleagues who are women with ADHD and life coaches. We have just a casual conversation about the specific struggles that we, as women with ADHD face. We give a lot of validation and encouragement for all of you women out there, and we give detailed explanations and insight for all of you men out there. But before we get rolling, I’m wondering, have you hit the subscribe button yet on this podcast? See, here’s the thing. If you have adhd, it’s very, very, very, very likely that you’re like me, which is 100% out of sight, out of mind with all of the things. So you might really enjoy this episode, but then totally forget that this podcast exists, because out of sight, out of mind. But if you hit subscribe, this little gem will appear in your podcast feed every single week and you’ll remember to listen, which will be great. And truthfully, in addition to that, it actually makes a huge difference when you decide to click that subscribe button, which you can do right now, by the way, while I’m talking, because I know that you’re an amazing multitasker. So go ahead and like, while I’m chit chatting here, go find where to hit that subscribe button because listen to why it’s important. A boost in subscribers tells the algorithm that this podcast is worth listening to. It’s like proof of concept. And then the algorithms suggest it to people who it could literally change their lives. So would you do me a huge, gigantic favor and take just a second to hit that follow or that heart or that plus or that subscribe button? And if you want to get super crazy, you could just go ahead and give it a rating while you’re there. Like, kill two birds with one stone. You know what I’m saying? Although no bird killing. I’m so sorry to use that phrase. All you have to do is click that five star button and it would mean so much to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I do not take you for granted. I don’t take your time or your attention for granted. And my friends who listen on Spotify, listen up. This is so fun. Spotify just introduced a rating system and 270 of you have figured it out already, which is really cool. So be an early adopter and give the I have ADHD podcast a rating. I will just send you the biggest hug ever. Thank you so, so, so much. All right, my friends, here is the first in a series of episodes on women with adhd. It’s a conversation with life coaches with ADHD Paula Engebrutzen and Megan Vigil. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, and I am so ready to roll. I cannot wait for you to get your hands on this episode today. It is going to be a good one. I am here in the presence of two women that I adore. I have Paula Engebretson and Megan Vigil here with me. They are two women with ADHD who also happen to be coaches, and they coach a lot of people with adhd. And we are going to have a fun and casual conversation about what it’s like to to be a woman with adhd. So welcome Paula and Megan. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having us. Yeah, thank you so much. So, Paula, let’s start with you. Why don’t you just introduce yourself to my listeners? Just tell us a little bit about who you are, where you are in the world, anything you might want to share with the people. Yes. So I am Paula Angebretzen. I am located in Boston, Massachusetts, and I am an ADHD coach. And I work with ADHDers to work with their brain and release perfectionism and take action and get stuff done. That’s what I’m all about. Love it. How about you, Megan? Yeah, my name is Megan Vigil and I am based just outside of Denver, Colorado, and I am a coach for creatives. I will say that a lot of my clients do have ADHD as well, and I do. So it is so fascinating to me, just this intersection between creativity and our brains and really what a gift it is to be a little bit squiggly brained. And it’s really fun to see my clients come to love that in themselves as well. So that’s a little bit about me. I love it. It’s so fun. I’m so happy to be sitting with you here today because first of all, I adore both of you, and I think that you know that. So both of these women have been a part of my team for a while in Focused, which I absolutely love. And so what’s so great about having colleagues who are coaches who also have ADHD is that we get to kind of share the love with each other’s clients. And so to be able to have Megan and Paula inside of Focused, giving their wisdom, giving their perspective, it’s just been so amazing. And I know that my members, you know, a focus, feel so well cared for and just so held by the both of you. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you bring to that. So I wanted to know, like, I want to start off by asking, what is your perspective on being a woman with adhd? What do you think is kind of like distinct as far as being female in adhd? So I know like adhd, the symptoms are pretty much across the board, but are there specific symptoms or difficulties or even specific, like, good things that you might see that are an outworking of being female and adhd? What are your thoughts about that? Yeah, I’ll go ahead and go first. In my experience, the ebb and flow of being female is already a lot. It is an intense experience, just like the cycles that we experience even in such a short amount of time. It’s just wild. And I find that my ADHD really like, raises the highs and lowers the lows when I think about my experience versus, you know, maybe some of my more neurotyp typical friends. And I think that my, my brain just has to work a little bit harder to do some things that feel, quote, unquote, easy to other people. So I think it really affects my energy as well. The number one thing for me is how it affects my cycle and the intensity of it. And. But other than that, to be honest, I don’t know if I know of or if I experience personally any like, massive differentiators that I haven’t heard men experience. For me, like, it’s really cycle related. I can’t wait to get into a conversation about that because I’m. I also experience that as being much more intense than I think most of my peers. And I think that will be really relieving as we move into that part of our conversation to the listener, because if it’s intense for us, I’m guessing it’s intense for a lot of people. A lot, a lot, a lot of people. So, Paula, what do you think you. Do you feel like there are some distinctive things about being female and having ADHD at the same time? Yeah. So, yes, and I think that. But I don’t know that it’s necessarily the ADHD component, which is my hesitation here, because I think, you know, pretty much all of the typical gender expectations for people socialized as women is what makes it very hard because, you know, you know, of course things are changing in society and expectations are, are changing and everything. But traditionally, girls and women are taught to be the caretakers, to navigate the household tasks, to meal prep, to organize outings, to remember what day is stuffed animal day and crazy hat day at school. And then you add in also navigating work and, you know, people doing homeschooling and all those things. I mean, these are unbelievable demands. And you know, our, our traditional roles that, that have been expected for women is, you know, it involves peak executive function, not only in terms of organization and planning, but in terms of cognitive flexibility. This constant task switching, being able to handle all of the things and prioritization, which you had a great episode on recently. And you know, these do not come naturally for the ADHD brain, but a lot of them are kind of general expectations for women to kind of be able to navigate. And then one of the things that I often hear from my clients building on that is, you know, well, it’s not like it’s that hard. It’s just folding laundry, it’s just scheduling dentist appointments. It’s just making. But it is hard, right? Like it is hard. And so I think that’s kind of one of the biggest struggles that I notice for, for myself for sure, and, and for other clients and stuff. Yeah, I will co sign that struggle 100%, I think. And we talk about this a lot, like the accepting of how the acceptance of how much executive function goes into a quote unquote simple, easy task like making macaroni and cheese or scheduling a dentist appointment for the right person on the right day at the right time and then getting them to that appointment. Right. I mean, like so many steps involved and all skills needed by our executive function, which is deficient. It’s not, it’s not great. It’s not great. Let’s just get into it real quick since we don’t have all the time in the world. Megan, would you tell me a little bit, would you be willing to like talk a little bit about how you see the symptoms of your cycle heightened and how it seems maybe a little bit more intense for you than your same age peers? What is that that like? And how do you cope with it? Yeah, totally. There are two things that really stick out to me that I have heard people talk about, but I don’t know if it’s my understanding that other people don’t experience it as intensely as I do. And the first one is, and I’m just going to get really specific, but like the week leading up to my period, I experience such intense anger, which is, if you know me, very uncharacteristic, out of character for me, and for so long it like took me by surprise. And now I kind of have this little joke with myself because when I always look at my journal Pages the week before my period. The F word is just like scattered everywhere because I just get so, like just so amped about everything. Feels like it takes me almost out of my body a little bit. It feels so out of my norm. And that can be like really disorienting for me. But I think for that one, the biggest way that I’ve coped with it is this. Being able to expect it is like the biggest relief in the world. And also not having the freak out moment anymore of like, oh my gosh, what’s, what’s wrong with me? Why, why can’t I calm myself? I’m such a calm person and that like, I don’t feel the need anymore to be like, oh my gosh, I need to do way more meditation this week or whatever. It’s just like, no, I am a human and I do have anger and that’s okay that it, it comes out at this time for me. And the second one is just what I call period brain. And the first few days of my cycle, I really struggle with the brain fog. It is so real. Comes out a lot in my communication, not being able to remember certain words, you know, like stumbling over my words, just forgetting why I came into a room or, you know, and those things will happen other times of my life, but it’s just way more intense. And again, I mean, I think like reminders on the phone can be really helpful for things like that, timers, you know, all those sorts of things and being more intentional with those in those times. But just as coming back to like, it’s okay that this is the way it is for you, there is nothing wrong with you, that this is your experience during your cycle. You are not deficient, you’re not, you know, stupid in any way. I think for me, when I would like struggle with finding words sometimes or, you know, not being able to communicate as clearly as I normally do, my typical kind of go to thought is like, you’re so stupid. Could you seriously not remember that word in that situation? And now it’s like, well, I can joke about it or, and just kind of laugh it off because it’s not going to be forever. So those are the specific things for me that I really experience on a regular basis. And I’m sure other people listening have really specific things for them that they’re like, do anyone, does anyone else experience this? And just because you haven’t heard someone else talk about it doesn’t mean it’s not a legit thing for you, you know, so just normalizing Our experience. But, yeah, that’s a little bit about mine. Yeah. I love that. I. I relate to that. So hardcore. The irritation, for me, it’s irritation. It’s not necessarily anger, but it’s just like, I hate everybody. All of the people. Yeah. Including the people that I love the most. I hate you. All right. Exactly. And it. And it, like, welcoming that, like you said, just like, accepting, like, oh, okay, I see what’s happening here has relieved so much tension for me and for my husband, because I can just be like, I just hate everybody this week. And he’s like, okay, I know exactly what’s happening. Yeah. What about you, Paula? What are your thoughts on this? So for me, well, full stop, my biggest challenge is transitions all of the time. Like, changing tasks, task switching, getting started, stopping, hardest thing ever. And come week three, transitions are not happening very well at all. So if I’m in hyper focus and I’m working on something and, like, my husband comes in and interrupts me, that irritation comes out. Right. Or I drag my feet like crazy, you know, to get started on my podcast or to do the things that require a lot of intense focus or. Or something like that. And, you know, anything that I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about, I will drag my feet to get started, for sure. So transition, you know, in and out of things is way worse for me or that. That part of the month. And similar to what Megan was saying, it really is so empowering when you can plan for it. Right. How can I support myself knowing that transitions are going to be really, really hard this week? And can I set my schedule up so that it’s less transition time or that I’m not working on such demanding things at that time or letting my husband know ahead of time or whatever. That can be really helpful. And then also, my emotional regulation is I’m a crier. So, like, commercials, Instagram reels, Disney movies, like, I am for sure crying in all of them. And so that that week is even more so. It’s like, bring the Kleenex box. Here we go. It’s just all the crying all the time. I only just in the last couple years, have really committed to tracking my cycle, which I have the urge to say, like, I know that’s ridiculous, but it’s actually not ridiculous for someone with adhd, because tracking anything is the worst. And so probably at, like, 38 years old, I decided that, like, I should probably be the one to know when my cycle’s coming, rather than Greg being like, yeah, it’s like, time for your cycle again. That’s why you’re feeling this way. And I would be like, wait, what are you. How do you. It was just here. Like, how do you know? Like, that’s exactly how the conversation would go every single month. Like, really? Are you sure? And he would be like, could you just trust me? And then like, two days later, like, oh, he was right. So I kind of got sick of that dynamic shocker after 15 years of marriage. And I was like, okay, how about I start tracking? And that has been so helpful to just be able to hop into my app. I use the Clue app. Not sponsored or anything, but that’s what I use. And I just hop in there and I’m able to see, like, where am I right now? Can I attribute what’s happening to where I am in my cycle? Or maybe not. And that’s good information, too. And I agree with you as well that, like, being able to make plans and make, like, decisions regarding work around, like, the best times that I can kind of, you know, if everything works out the way it should, I can kind of predict that this time is going to be, like a higher energy time. That has been so helpful and so empowering to me. So if you are someone who is not yet tracking, you know, this might be like the. The time when you might want to start doing that. Because having the ability to just kind of predict and know yourself and give yourself grace in those moments has been really, really, really helpful to me. And if you’re someone who’s like, I’m not going to track one more thing, I get it. It’s fine. It’s totally. Whatever, wherever you are, listener, it’s totally, totally fine. I have found for me that my goes way up and my energy goes way down. And that’s been really, really important for me to notice and to be able to communicate with people. And so I will even tell my team. I feel like I’m going into the cave. And I just want you to know, like, it’s cave week. I’m not going to really be here. I don’t really care about anything. Hit me with the urgent stuff. But that’s all I care about. And that really is kind of what happens. I just go into this like, I don’t want to talk to anybody. I want to see anybody. I don’t really care. I’m going to show up for the people, like, for my clients. I’m going to be, like, peppy and great. And that’s. That’s exactly how it should be. But when it Comes to, like, my team, where they’re there to meet my needs and the needs of the business, then that’s a different story. I’m like, okay, it’s cave week. Like, I need some extra support and being able to communicate, that has been really, really helpful. And then also giving myself permission to rest when I know what’s happening in my body. And I think that a lot of us women have been parented and groomed and conditioned to, like, dismiss our experience. But if we can, like you guys were saying, like, accept what’s happening, like, okay, this is what’s happening. There’s a good reason why my energy is so low. I’m going to give myself the. The space to rest. That’s been so helpful to me. Megan, I feel like you are an expert on rest. I don’t know if you see yourself as an expert on rest, but is that something that you do with yourself? Like, give yourself the. The space to rest? I give myself so much space to rest. I thought so. I knew it. I just knew it. Oh, man, you’re like, how calming her voice is. Like, you. I feel like you are the queen of rest. You need a t. Oh, my gosh. That is such an honor. That is. That makes me laugh so much. I just. I just spent so many years, like, feeling shameful about being a low energy person. And you know what? I have just come to terms with that and actually really grown to love that in myself because truly me giving myself the permission does give others permission as well. And so, yeah, I have so. And I also did want to say, like, I don’t have children or anything, so my life is. I really want to acknowledge that my life pretty much is. Is just about me and my husband right now. And I do acknowledge the simplicity of that. But yeah, I mean, like, even in the midst of owning my own business, having clients, et cetera, rest will always be important to me. And it’s changed my life. And there’s nothing lazy about that. There’s nothing lazy about that. It’s totally healthy. So, yeah, I rest a lot. I love that I’m jealous, but I feel like I’m learning. Yeah, we all learn. Yeah. Yeah. And now a word from our sponsors. This podcast is sponsored by Focused. Focused is the coaching program for adults with ADHD where you get access to binge worthy courses on topics like time management and relationships and real time coaching throughout the week on Zoom and a community of ADHDers that is positive and welcoming and kind. Listen to what my amazing client, Cyan says about Focused. Cyan says being here in Focused and listening to and learning from this community helps validate not only my previous experiences, but also my daily experiences with all the things having the support here, the community, the coaching, the scaffolding is what helps me improve little by little each day. Oh my gosh, it’s amazing. And by the way, Cyan is in New Zealand, so. That’s right. We have Focused members all over the world. No matter where you are in the world, you can get value from focus. So listener, why not invest in yourself and your ADHD brain and join us in Focused? It’ll change your Life. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more. And now back to the show. Paula, you brought up such a good point that traditionally a lot of us women have been kind of socialized to be a certain way. And I think that I completely agree with you that one of the hard things about being female in ADHD is kind of being handed all of these tasks, whether it’s by our families or society or ourselves. We take them on ourselves because we think that, like, we should and it’s our job. Or maybe we haven’t even thought it through or considered it. But I think one of the hardest things is all of the executive function involved in those, like running the home tasks. And I do think that there is something distinct for a female with ADHD who has that expectation of herself, whether it’s self imposed or it’s put on her, where it’s just like, I should be able to do this. This is what a real woman does. A real woman keeps her home organized. A real woman raises kids who are calm and obedient. A real woman, you know, makes dinner for her family at least a couple times a week. Let’s chat about that a little bit because I think for a lot of us women, one of the things that is that that really brings so much shame is our inability to do those quote unquote simple tasks easily. We might get them done, but usually there’s a trail of disaster, you know, in the wake of that task being accomplished. What thoughts do you guys have about that? I think for myself where I really noticed this, I mean, most of mine is all self imposed. It’s all the shoulds that I give to myself. And it really came up, you know, as what a good wife should be able to do. So, you know, I should be able to have meals ready each night and the house tidy and the laundry actually done and put away and you know, just nap for like. Yeah, right. But all of these expectations that, you know, I saw my mom do. I, you know, saw displayed on all the shows and all the things. Right. It’s just these. These expectations that I absorbed in different ways and put on myself. And. And to your point, about kind of having the ill effect of that. Right. The. Again, like, my husband never said a darn thing about any of it, but it was all put on me. But then I would get resentful or frustrated at myself or at not having time or all of these things when it’s all my own rules that I’m just giving myself. So it’s been this kind of process of reexamining this manual that I have for myself and what I want to keep in it, like, as guidelines and expectations for myself and what I want to just release and say. That’s. That’s a no. Yeah. What about for you, Megan? Yeah, I am not very skilled in this area of, like, home, you know, And I think I have become more and more okay with that and more okay with asking for help, like, specifically in my marriage with my husband. It’s kind of just become our norm. And I’ve had to release the shame around, like, not being the. Not really being the one who cleans our house and keeps things tidy. And, you know, that. That is something that. I totally relate to what you’re saying, Paula, of, like, that’s what a quote unquote good wife should do. You should be the one cleaning. You should be the one doing all of those things in addition to your work. And it’s just. It doesn’t have to be that way. And so the things that have been helpful for me, for the bits that I do around the house, are just, like, setting up rituals so that I can attach it to a certain point of my day and to where it becomes normal for me. But in all honesty, like, I don’t have a whole lot of those. I do some things around the house, and I’ve. And we’ve just kind of come to an agreement that. That. That is a big part of what my husband does around the house, which is. Which is lovely. And. But I do have to say this is one of my, like, biggest areas that I just struggle with is to get things done, you know, just that aren’t that fun and. But that also kind of need to be done. So it’s just. It’s a nuance topic, I think, of, like, home work around the home. I totally agree. Because everyone has a different expectation that they’re bringing into a home to a partnership Even a roommate situation, marriage, like, all of that, we’re all bringing our own expectations and we’re all bringing our own skill set and we’re all bringing our own comfort or, like, yeah, comfort level. As far as, like, we all have a different tolerance for clutter. We all have a different definition of clean. We all, like, it’s funny, because when you kind of like, leave your house and go out into the world, whether you’re living with roommates or boyfriend or partner, whatever, you have this thought, I think at least I did, was like, everyone thinks the way I think about this, right? Like, everyone. Everyone’s definition of clean is the same. Clean is just clean. And here’s what it means, right? But, like, really, when we are entering into these relationships where we’re actually living with someone, we all, we have such different definitions and we have different expectations. And even, like, if you’re living alone, but you have people over and you might think your house is either clean or messy, and your guest might have a totally different opinion because they’re bringing their own own thoughts to the situation. And I think it’s really important to communicate. Just like you were saying, Megan, like, having a conversation, whether it’s with your partner or your roommate, talking about, like, who is the best person for this job? Like, if we’re both bringing 100% of ourselves to this relationship, to this roommate ship, to this partnership, what does that look like? Who’s the best person for this job? Who’s the best person for this job? And, like, really having a practical conversation about that. I remember just like you, Paula, me getting married and just being like, obviously, I’m going to do on the inside stuff. I mean, I’m the woman. I mean, that was not that long ago. That’s 2004. And just really looking back on that version of me being like, oh, honey, you just didn’t. You just didn’t know. And Greg and I, like, navigating. This has been really interesting because just like your husband, Paula, he didn’t have all of these expectations for me, but I was carrying so much resentment at the beginning of our marriage. And I think now we, you know, I think we’ve, like, we’re working it out. We’ve worked it out. I want to say we’ve worked it out, but he might listen to this and be like, there’s a lot more you could do. Kristen Gardner. One of the things that I think sets. Sets us apart as women is our deep desire to nurture. And that might not be across the board, but, like, in general, we are nurturers. What I was doing is looking at like laundry and dishes as my way to nurture. And I had just misplaced that nurture. Like, that’s not how nurture comes out for me. Nurture for me is I’m going to sit next to you, I’m going to put my arm around you, I’m going to say, tell me everything, tell me everything. I will sit here and I will listen to you and I will hear everything and I will validate you and I’m going to like, be in the conversation with you as the best listener ever. That is how I nurture. It is not by doing dishes. It is not by doing laundry. And so as women, I think like figuring out if you do think that you have a desire to nurture, how do you do that best? And really leaning into the way that you show up to nurture in a way that is true for you and not just like a societal expectation. And then the people in your life, like your closest loved ones, I feel like they also get a truer, more authentic, more loving version of you. And because instead of spending your precious energy trying to do the things that you, quote, unquote, should do as a woman, you’re showing up, you know, and, and where you can delegating those things, which is great, and being able to have the space and the margin in your life to show up in the way that really serves them even more beautifully, you know. So I just think that’s like a really important thing that we can do for ourselves, but then, yeah, also for our, for our loved ones. I totally agree. I love that. I love that so much. And I don’t know if there’s anything worth mentioning or if we want to talk about any, but I think something that is also, I think like challenging for women is that we’re overlooked in the diagnosis process. So we have 30 plus years, like, hey, I’m just a screw up who can’t do anything. And then, oh, wait, no, you’re not, you’re not lazy. You don’t just not get it. You don’t just drop the ball all the time. Turns out your prefrontal cortex left the building and you have adhd. And I think that that’s a big challenge for women generally because we’re so often overlooked at the younger age when diagnosis usually happens. What do you think is that big challenge? Is it the reconciling of like, is it true that I’m not a failure? Is it true that I’m not a screw? Up like what, what is the biggest challenge there, do you think? I think that especially well. So I was diagnosed at 31. So I had, you know, 31 or probably not since I was 0, but 20ish years of stories that like, I never follow through, I always drop the ball. I’m terrible with time, I can’t get things done. I’m, you know, all the, all the things. And that’s so many years that you’ve been building those neural pathways and creating those results for yourself over and over and over without the extra scaffolding and the support that you could have. And I think learning to really separate your ADHD from all of these stories that you have about yourself takes. I mean, that’s what’s so beautiful about coaching, of course, and working with a therapist and all of that. But it’s work to do for sure that I think when you have a later diagnosis, you have more stories that have been added up. Yeah, and I think you’re absolutely right. I mean, statistically most women are diagnosed later. And so, yeah, we probably have so many more stories wrapped around our capability, our lovability, our worthiness, our value, all of that. What are your thoughts, Megan? Yeah, what’s coming up for me is this idea also not only being a little bit dismissed or overlooked in a diagnosis process, but also when you do have a diagnosis, still being dismissed by the people around you that you’re being dramatic or oh no, you’re so smart, you don’t have adhd, you got good grades, you don’t have adhd, you know, all whatever, fill in the blank. There’s so many things that loved ones can say. And it’s just been really interesting to hear this pretty repeatedly with clients who are now just getting their diagnosis as well. And it makes me sad that, you know, you go through this whole process as well to finally have this language of like, oh, that’s why I am the way that I am. But then you also have these people in your life and this isn’t everyone’s experience, but it’s, I would say, pretty common of people dismissing you there as well and being like, really? That sounds a little bit far fetched for you, you know, dismissing your personal experience too, which unfortunately I do think is more common for women than men. Being told you’re dramatic or being told that you’re just making it up or whatever, you know. So that was kind of coming to my mind as you were speaking. And I totally agree with everything that you said too, Paul, about just having all these narratives and Stories. It’s, it’s a big burden for. For sure. Yeah, that’s such a good point that not only are we often overlooked by clinicians and dismissed by, you know, doctors that we seek diagnoses from or even just like, you know, teachers who, well meaning teachers who just don’t even know that, like, girls can have adhd and it presents differently in girls sometimes than it does in boys and what to look for, for and all of that and then to finally, like you said, finally have an answer and then feel like you have to, like, justify it, prove it to the people in your life can be so exhausting. Yeah, That’s heavy. I wish there was like a, like a cute little bow we could tie on that and just follow these three steps and you’ll feel better. But like, I think it’s just the weight of, like, this is reality right now. Like, honoring that, I think just takes feeling the, the weight of that, I think. As we wrap up here, I would love to chat about what it’s like to be in a relationship, partnership, marriage with a partner who does not have adhd. So as a woman in a partnership with someone who does not have adhd, what is that like for you? You know, we just had a conversation about kind of being dismissed and kind of having to, like, prove your ADHD to some of your loved ones. What is it like for you or for your clients if you don’t want to talk about you, to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have adhd? And what kind of encouragement can you give to the listeners that might be helpful to them? Luckily, I have a very supportive husband who is, you know, super, like I said, super supportive and tries to understand as much as possible. And when I share something, you know, he listens and tries to get it and, you know, put it into context and all of that. So I am super fortunate in that way. And so for me, I kind of use the prefrontal cortex in his brain to help me with stuff. Like, my biggest obstacle right now is getting to bed, and he is my constant nagging reminder to go to bed on time. Right? And just some of these other things, I’ll just say, you know, Ryan, can you help me here with this thing because I’m really struggling or I, I’m not making this appointment. Can you please, please call? Like, if I’m really struggling and need some support, I lean on him. And again, I’m super fortunate in that he is there. But that’s, that’s been really helpful for me in Terms of some of the executive function challenges. He’ll, he’ll take those on. Was, is it hard for you to ask for help? And if not, why not? It was for a very long time because I had that big old manual of, oh no, I’m supposed to be able to do all of this myself. So it’s been a lot of coaching, frankly. Coaching my brain and kind of rewriting those stories that I told myself. And then a lot of, kind of the whole truth. When I talk with him about stuff, like, I’m really embarrassed that I have to ask you to help me go to bed. This seems ridiculous and I feel ashamed about it. But I also need your help, and that’s the truth. Can you help me? And you know, being vulnerable, when you have a space where it’s safe and you have safe people, it’s a gift. And if you have that, it, it’s, it’s really great. I love your point about telling the whole truth. That’s such a great way to put it. Like the truth isn’t just like, I need help going to bed. The whole truth is I’m embarrassed. I’d be a little ashamed. I’m having this story that like I’m being ridiculous and that like, you know, a 35 year old woman should be able to put herself to bed or whatever the case may be. Right. And so to tell the whole truth, it gives, it gives a window for vulnerability and connection and also kind of helps you to discharge that, those feelings. Do you think? Yeah, 100%. And I, I got, I want to say I got that concept from Jody Moore and she talks about how it’s, it’s like so lovable almost when you just give the whole truth. Right. It, it’s, it is that vulnerability instead of kind of, I go into a defensiveness if I’m not just being completely honest. When I’m completely honest, then it’s, it’s both, right. It’s, here’s where I’m at and I need your help as opposed to trying to protect myself and that kind of thing. What about you, Megan? What’s it like to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t have adhd? I would say that my experience is actually really similar to Paula’s and almost like using my husband as like a helper. It’s like he’s, he’s a constant like pillar for me because he can see a lot of things more clearly than I can or just differently. And that is very helpful. So I would say that yes, there is that Beautiful aspect of it and like, being in this safe space where you can be vulnerable and share and be accepted as your full self. But for me, there also is sometimes still that tension and that, like, frustration of like, oh, oh, our brains work so differently. And so I just kind of like, want to share that you can be in, like, a beautiful, supportive, healthy relationship that you love being in and still have those moments where you don’t quite get each other, you know. And so, you know, some of my biggest, like, ADHD symptoms, like, for example, time blindness is just huge for me. I really struggle with that. Knowing how long things take, like, I’m always late, etc, that can still be like a point of frustration, you know, and. And that’s okay. You can work through those things. You can have this beautiful, flourishing relationship and still have some things that are like, a little bit tense sometimes. But I would say for the most part, like, yeah, it is really beautiful to be able to be vulnerable and ask for help and to receive it, you know, from someone who isn’t going to be like, oh, why do you need that? You know? So, yeah, that’s so okay. The human in me is like, well, that’s so great. You guys are in just these great relationships with these great people. It’s great. So great. And I would say that I am too, but it, like, I went through a major transition about five years ago, and that’s when all of the support has started. Because as someone who didn’t really recognize the ADHD symptoms for myself, like, I knew that I had ADHD and I took medication, but I didn’t really understand what that meant. And so I wasn’t able to, like, help Greg to understand what that meant. And so when I finally had that realization, it was probably a little longer than five years ago, maybe eight years ago, where I was like, oh, all of these things that I suck at and most of the things that I hate about myself are actually ADHD symptoms. When I finally had that realization, then I had to go to him and be like, oh, my gosh, you’ll never believe this. All of these things that I totally suck at are actually ADHD symptoms. And on his end, he has a very, very analytical mind, which I absolutely love. But it made it hard for him, I think, to really, like, understand and accept. It took a lot of me having to explain it over and over and that, you know, going back to feeling dismissed and overlooked, that was the experience for a little while. Not because Greg is a bad guy, he is a such a good guy. But in his effort to understand, you know, when you show up and you’re like, you know, I’m always late and how that’s really, really annoying. Well, guess what? That’s a symptom of adhd. And it’s like, okay, but like, you’re still always late. So, like, Right. And so a huge part of us working in our relationship was me being authentic about, like, I know that these are struggles that affect you, right? Like, me being late all the time definitely affects him. I also know that this is something that is deficient in my brain. I also know that I need your help. I also know that I’m going to put in structure for myself. So it was like this four part thing that had to happen with all of the different symptoms. So I would just say that, like, now I’m able to show up very similar to what you guys are saying. Like, I need help. Can you please help me? Here’s what’s going on. And he is like, I’m there. And the things like, the other night, Crosby was sick. So Crosby’s my 8 year old, and I gave him medicine and then he drank half of it and spilled half of it. So he, like, he took it from my hand, he spilled it all over the floor, and then he drank half of it. And I was like, well, gosh darn it, I need to give you like, half of a dose. So I went to grab the bottle to give him half the dose, could not find the bottle. I literally had it in my hands 30 seconds earlier. We tore the kitchen apart trying to find this bottle of medicine. It was in the silverware drawer. Why? Why? Why? But what was so cool is that, like, we had a good laugh. Like, Greg laughed and he was like, oh, your brain was like, that’s where the medicine cups go. That’s where we put the little medicine cups. So obviously that’s where the bottle goes. And like, in those moments now we can laugh instead of fight. And that’s really cool. But that took some time for him not to be annoyed with. Like, why do you do that? Why am I finding weird stuff in weird places? Why are you always losing your keys? Like, all of those things? So it’s like educating if. If you find yourself not in a. In a relationship where you’re feeling completely supported and, like, you can lean on your partner. I think educating yourself about the ADHD symptoms, gently educating your partner about the ADHD symptoms and then being vulnerable enough to ask for help is like, those things can really create connection. And I love how you said Megan that your husband’s like a pillar, Because I feel that way, too. Like, I know that he’s like an anchor for me. And when I feel floopy and, like, I’m spinning like a tornado, like, Greg is like an anchor, but he. We’ve, like, created that relationship, and we’ve created it through fighting, and we’ve created it through conflict, and we’ve created it through, like, it hasn’t been magical the whole time. Am I making sense? Sense? Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. Cool. And I would say, too, for myself, I realized kind of from grad school on, because that’s really when my symptoms got. I kind of tipped the scales. And it was at that time I started playing a much smaller life. Right. Like, I was kind of living this life on eggshells where I didn’t do much of anything else. So then once I got my diagnosis and I started learning more about why some things were challenging, I would start adding things in where I might be dropping the ball more often. But I was educating Ryan at the same time. So we were both kind of, like, learning it together. Otherwise, I was just playing such a small life because that was the control I could have because I hadn’t had a diagnosis yet. And I knew that, like, I couldn’t do a bunch of stuff because I would just, you know, screw up everything. But once I got the diagnosis and realized, oh, this is what’s going on now, I can start maybe trying some more things. And if I mess up or drop the ball or do my ADHD thing, I’m learning and Ryan’s learning at the same time. So, like, that’s, I think, kind of how it happened for me with that side of stuff. I love that. That’s really beautiful. I love, like, the constraint there where you’re kind of, like, learning one area at a time together. That’s really beautiful. I think that a beautiful way to wrap up this episode is just to say that, like, no matter how high functioning you are, like, someone who, like, you guys are coaches with adhd. Paula, you are specializing in adhd, and it. We still struggle. There’s no getting out of the struggle. But there’s community in the struggling together. And I think that, you know, as we close that that’s a beautiful way to wrap up this episode is to just say, like, there can be change for you in your life. You can make changes. You can improve, improve. You can bring your partner or your spouse into it. That you can become vulnerable and rely on the people in your life to kind of be an anchor or a pillar for you. But also, this is hard. Having ADHD is hard. And specifically as a woman who, you know, we go through all of the different cycles in a day, in a month, or over the span of, you know, decades, that is a distinctly, just a unique flavor of difficulty. Not that men don’t have difficulty as well, but it’s just a unique little flavor of it. And so I hope, listener, that you are encouraged to just know that there are women just like you who are also struggling and thriving at the same time. It’s okay to struggle and thrive at the same time. Megan, would you tell our listeners how they can be in touch with you if they were? They resonated with something that you said or, you know, want more information about your coaching? Where can they find you? Sure. I am on Instagram the most so you can follow me or find Megan Vigil and send me a dm or if you want to check out my website, website, it’s just MeganBhill.com love it. And how about you, Paula? Yeah, so I am. You can check out my podcast called I’m Busy Being awesome. And that is also my handle for Instagram, my website, all things I’m busybeingawesome.com I love it. It’s so great. That is so great. Thank you so much. Thank you to both of you for being my colleagues, for being my friends, for being confidants and people that I can trust and know that you are making progress but also struggling at the same time. There’s just such a special connection in that. So thank you so much for being here. I appreciate you both. Thank you for creating this community with Focused where we can be seen and feel seen and all of that. Hey, adhd, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created Focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.
