Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you’re listening to the I have ADHD Podcast, episode number 190. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. And I am ready to roll. Hello, how are you? I am so glad that you’re here with me today. I’m so glad that you decided to press play on this podcast, I know that you’re busy. I know that you’re overwhelmed. I know you’ve got a ton to do. And yet here you are with me today in this space, I am so glad. So grateful for your time and attention. I promise you this episode is going to deliver. We’re going to talk today about how to be a good parent. Yes, you, even you with ADHD can develop the skills to be a good parent, and we’re going to talk all about it today. I want to say first of all, that you definitely 100% do not have to be perfect. I think that ADHD years are very prone to black and white thinking I don’t think I know, ADHD are very prone to black and white thinking. So we either think we are a good parent or a bad parent, we think we’re either doing it right or we’re doing it wrong. And I want to first relieve that pressure and say, Listen, you do not have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be right 100% of the time, you can begin to develop skills that will build connection with your kiddos and make your job as a parent feel. So lovely. can actually be fun. I can’t believe that I am saying that. But it can actually be fun.

So I want to say first of all, obviously this goes without saying I don’t have all the answer’s I do not have all of the answers at all. What I do have are three kids, a lot of experience with psychology and coaching, and neuroscience and the brains willingness and ability to change. A lot of self development, a lot of books read, and a lot of doing it wrong. And making changes a lot of hours in therapy, a lot of hours healing my own childhood wounds, so that I can show up better for my kids, a lot of time spent with my coaches, trying to calm myself down so that I can parent without being explosive. Just a lot of effort and time put into this. And if I can evolve in this, I think that probably you can too. And so what we’re going to be doing today is talking about my biggest takeaways in the last four years of my involvement in becoming a parent that I actually am proud of. All right. I think that one of the most important things that we say right away is that like, this is not an episode that’s going to be like, here’s how to organize everything. And here’s how to like pack lunches at the right time like this. Isn’t that kind of episode at all? This is more about like, a broader picture of what does it mean to be a parent? And how can you cultivate a beautiful relationship with your kiddos?

I want to say that if you feel activated during this episode, I just want you to take care. Many of you come from dysfunctional families. Many of you were not parented period. Many of you were made to parent, your parents, or maybe the examples that you had of your parents, maybe they were abusive, maybe there was a lot of dysfunction. I hate that for you. I wish that wasn’t the case. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. And we’re going to be talking about that a little bit in this episode. And I think that the first thing that we can do for our kids is heal our own wounds, and we’ve all got them. We live in a broken world. We’re parented by imperfect people. Of course we all have wounding from our own parents. And one of the most beautiful things we can do for our children is heal our own wounds when it comes to our parents. But

I promise you this episode isn’t super heavy, but I did start off pretty heavy. I just don’t know How to like ease into things. I don’t know, if you’re the same as me, I don’t know how to like beat around the bush, ease into things make things have like sprinkles and sparkles on them, I just get right to the point. So either you love that and you keep listening or you hate it. And you write a really mean review, I don’t know, like, I guess those are the two options here. Okay, so we’re gonna be talking about how to be a great parent, the first thing. And this, if this is the only thing that happens, this is everything, the first thing that you can do is begin to understand that the energy in a parent child relationship flows.

One way, I want you to think about the energy, I want you to make a picture in your head, whether you’re picturing a river or whether you’re picturing something other than a river, understand that the energy flows from parent to child. This is something that I heard Bessel Vander Kolk teach on a couple of years ago, he wrote the book, The Body Keeps the Score, and he holds a lot of lectures and classes, I’ve attended a couple of them, they’re insane, amazing, amazing. Anytime you can learn from him, I would 100% take advantage of it. And one of my biggest takeaways in all of his teaching is that the energy in the parent child relationship flows one way from parent to child. That’s it, okay, you, as the parent are there to serve your child, from the day they’re born for the rest of your life, you are there to nurture them, you are there to take care of them. And it’s not the other way around. Sometimes when we are not parented, when we do not have mother or father figures in our lives, sometimes we can use our children to fill that void. Sometimes we can use our children as our little best friends, as the people in our life who make us feel really good about us. And I want to really encourage you to understand that the most healthy thing for your child is for the energy to flow from parent to child, without the expectation of of anything coming from child to parent. I know it’s a big ask. I know, I know, it’s a big ask, it doesn’t mean that we don’t get residual lovely, lovely benefits of being a parent. Of course we do. But the expectation of that is not there. And this might be very spicy.

Actually, I think it is very spicy. But in my opinion, this dynamic of the energy flowing one way, it’s a lifelong commitment. If you have adult children, I want to say something that they will probably never say to you. I just am saying it with love and with care. Okay, gentleness, I hope you hear my voice and saying it with gentleness, your adult child doesn’t need you to be their friend. What they need as a mother, what they need is a father. Everyone else in their life is expected to be a mutual relationship with them, right? There are expectations in every other relationship that your child has. So if you’re parenting an adult child, and they have a job than they have colleagues where they have to, like have mutual relationships with if they have a partner or a spouse, there’s there’s mutuality there, the only relationship that is devoid of that mutuality is a parent child relationship.

Okay, if you can wrap your head around, like, Oh, this is the only relationship in their whole life where they don’t really have to show up and give. They’re not there to serve me, they don’t have to be my best friend. They don’t need to nurture me or take care of my needs or my feelings or make my holidays Great. I’m there to serve them, and nurture them. Because I am the parent. And this is the gig that I signed up for. I know I could do a whole episode on this, I won’t.

Okay, moving on. The second thing that you can do to be an amazing parent is begin to accept who you are. Begin to accept who you are. All of the great things about you and all of the flaws that you have. Your acceptance of yourself will teach your child how to accept themselves. You are modeling self acceptance or self rejection for them. They will either learn to accept themselves or they will learn to reject themselves based on how you treat yourself. Okay? They will learn to handle their own mistakes as they see you handle your mistakes. So I know this is a big ask because self acceptance is the hardest thing that we all I have to do this is the hardest part of life is self acceptance, right. So I understand this is a big ask. And I’m not saying you have to be perfect at it in order to be a good parent. But I’m saying that self acceptance is such a beautiful gift that you can give to your child. Because it leads me into point number three, which is, when you accept yourself, you understand that you have needs, and you learn how to meet those needs for yourself. And if you learn how to meet your own needs, then your kids don’t have to meet those needs for you. That’s that’s big. Learn how to meet your own needs, so that you don’t put your kids in a position to meet your needs for you. This is huge. So what do you need? A lot of you listening don’t really know how to answer that question. And that’s okay. But that’s your work.

Okay. Being a good parent doesn’t mean being on time for everything, making all the lunches signing up for all of the holiday parties at school, or whatever the case may be. But that’s not how we measure it. In my opinion, we measure someone who’s a great parent, by someone who understands that the energy flows from parent to child, someone who accepts themselves and someone who knows how to meet their own needs, so that their kids don’t have to meet them for them.

Okay, so reflect for a little bit, what do you need? Do you need an ADHD diagnosis so that you can be treated? Are you taking care of being medicated, caffeinated, ready to roll, maybe you would want to implement some therapy with a trauma informed therapist or get some coaching, what I would say to you is, listen, parenting is so so hard, get as much support as you can, the more support you have, the more you’re going to be able to pour into your child, the more full you feel, the more you have to give to your child, I used to really roll my eyes, when I would hear people say you can’t pour from an empty cup. It would really irked me and part of that is my Christian background. In Christianity, it is all about like self sacrificing, and serving and not looking for your needs to be met, necessarily. But I think we get it real twisted, we take it too far. And what happens is, mothers are trying to parent fathers are trying to parent from a place of just not having support or resources and not having enough. And so when you are not supported, you’re going to be resentful, you’re going to be emotionally reactive, and you’re going to be short tempered, you’re not going to have patience, and there’s really not going to be a lot that you can give to your child, get the support for yourself, you are the grown up your access to support even if that support is free videos on YouTube or free podcasts like this one, get support for yourself, learn and grow so that you can support your child because remember that energy flows from parent to child. Another point in here is that as you are learning how to meet your own needs, you’re going to get to know yourself. And this is really important because what’s important for you to understand is what helps you when you are feeling depleted, then you can take advantage of that what hurts you what triggers you what part of parenting is the hardest for you, you can begin to get to know yourself. And as you do, you can set support up for you.

And again, I want to make the point that you don’t always have to be paying for support. There’s a lot of free information available right now. And it’s incredible the things that you can learn on YouTube, or from a podcast or even therapists accounts on Instagram. I mean, I have gotten so much out of following various therapists on Instagram, it is so helpful to me. Of course, it’s not a replacement for therapy, but it’s pretty darn close. Very, very, very helpful. So take advantage of those free resources. Okay, number four, ready? Make it your life school to learn how to identify, feel and process your emotions.

This is really hard for those of us with ADHD. I’ve done a lot of podcasts on it. I have a whole course on emotions within my focus coaching program. And it’s because it’s so important because if you don’t learn how to feel and process your own emotions, you’re going to make everything about you asked me how I know I’ve lived it. I did it to my own children, okay. If you don’t learn how to feel and process your image Emotions. If you don’t know how to expand your capacity to feel the big feelings, you’re going to make everything about you. And there will be no space for your child to feel and process their emotions. I had this interaction with my kiddo this week, it was really painful. I noticed him, dissociating, we were in the middle of something, he was in trouble. And I literally saw, like a glaze go over his eyes. And it was as if, I mean, obviously, this didn’t happen. But it was as if his soul left his body, I could see him detach, from whatever he was feeling. And it was a really beautiful opportunity, even though we were in the middle of like, something to say, Hey, I see that you’re kind of like, pulling away. Is that because you’re feeling a big feeling in your body? And he was like, yeah, it doesn’t feel good. And we were able to talk about how when he was little, I used to say things to him, like, you don’t need to cry about this, or you’re so emotional, or why are you making such a big deal about this, I used to say those things to him. So of course, now, when he’s experiencing a big emotion, as a preteen, he’s going to dissociate from that, because I never gave him space to really feel in process and validate his emotions.

When he was a little kid, I am doing the work of repairing that now. And we’re going to talk about this at the end, but I don’t think it’s ever too late to repair with your kids. And the only reason why I am able to help my kiddo processes emotions now is because I spent a long time figuring out how to process my own emotions. And as you learn how to identify what you’re feeling, allow it into your body, process it, manage it, regulate yourself, as you learn that you’re going to be calm such a safer person for your kiddo.

And you’re going to be able to help them learn that important, important skill. When you learn how to manage your emotions, you understand that your emotions are your own responsibility, do not blame how we feel, and what our child has done. We need to take responsibility for the way that we feel. And this is a really, really important thing, because a lot of us are trying to parent our kids in a certain way, so that we can feel good. We want our kids to show up in a certain way so that we can feel confident. We want our kids to follow the rules so that we can feel like a good parent, we want our kids to go to bed at a certain time, so that we can feel like we are responsible. I want you to be on the lookout for this. And I’m curious if you can find it. If you can separate your own emotions, the responsibility you have with your emotions from what your child does, you’ll have so much more freedom because you can then take care of yourself. No matter how your child is showing up. You don’t need to manipulate your child into showing up a certain way so that you can feel good. This is a really complicated topic. But I hope that at least that little explanation makes sense.

When we can take responsibility for our own emotions. When we can learn how to identify feel process, soothe our own emotions, then we don’t need our kids we don’t we’re not desperate for our kids to be perfect. We’re not desperate for our kids to make us look good or to make us feel good. Because we know that we are grown adults, and we are in charge of our own emotions. I know there are free resources out there. If you have access to therapy and coaching that would be ideal if you don’t have access to therapy and coaching. Google how to process emotions Google emotional regulation, Google all have those things and watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts. Go follow therapists who talk about regulating emotions because learning that skill, practicing it everyday and then giving that gift to your kiddos is going to be incredible. All right, you guys still with me? I feel like this is deep. It is deep.

Actually. I’m feeling the weight of it. So I don’t know you have for a deep episode today. I hope so. Alright, let’s review the first couple. Understand that energy and a parent child relationship flows one way from parent to child. Begin to accept who you are. Learn how to meet your own needs so that you don’t make your kids meet your needs for you and make it your life’s goal to figure out how to identify feel and pride Since your emotions, number five, work toward being a safe person with your kiddo. I released a podcast episode a month or two ago on safe people versus Unsafe people. So if you have no idea what I’m talking about, at the end of this episode, you can go listen to that one.

I think it’s one of the most important episodes that I’ve ever recorded. But essentially, I’m not talking about physical safety necessarily. I’m talking about emotional and relational safety. And so I’m going to read you characteristics of safe people. Now, this is ideal, right? Like, of course, we all want to be this all the time. And I know we’re talking in ideals right now. But I want you to understand that if you are working toward this, if you are making changes, if you are just making a 1% change every single day, you are going to become the most incredible parent to your child. So work toward being a safe person with them. What does that mean? Safe people are willing to acknowledge when they are wrong. Safe, people are open to feedback, and they’re willing to take responsibility for their words and their actions. Safe people are humble and can admit their flaws with a safe person and apology is followed by behavior modification. Safe people are willing to admit when they have a problem, and they take action to solve it. Safe people will share their concerns with you and we’ll be honest with you. Safe people understand that trust must be earned. This is an important one for parents. Your trust as a parent must be earned, you are not entitled to your child’s trust. Trust is built slowly over time.

Safe people try their best to learn and grow and improve themselves over time you working on the skills of parenting is an indicator that you are working toward being a safe person. And the more that you can implement these safe characteristics in yourself in your relationship with your child, the healthier that relationship is going to be.

Okay, number six, learn how to apologize and repair. This is a good one. Listen, you are human, you are human, and not just human, you’ve got ADHD, you’re gonna mess up, you’re gonna make mistakes, you’re going to yell, you’re gonna explode, you’re gonna forget things you’re gonna say you’ll show up at this time and you’ll forget, you’re gonna say you’ll buy something from the store and you’ll forget, you’ll inevitably leave them stranded at soccer practice sometime like it’s going to happen. But when it does happen, repair, repair, repair, repair, everybody say it out loud with me right now, repair is more than an apology. It’s a repair. Okay? An apology is beautiful. But saying sorry, is only one step of what I think is a five step process.

So when you do mess up, here are five things that you can do. First of all, acknowledge the offense, take ownership of what you did. Next, explain what happened. But keep this part brief. This is just for their understanding this is not to make a case for why it makes sense that you failed them. Okay, this is we’re just keeping this part super brief, one or two sentences, Max, then you express remorse, you apologize. Okay. And then two other things you’re going to offer to make amends, how can I make it better? What can we do to help you feel better about this? And then number five, you’re going to make a change. Okay, that’s an important part. And this, this is just referring back to what it looks like to be a safe person. When a safe person apologizes. It’s followed by change. So what’s going to be different next time? And why is it going to be different? How is it going to be different? What are you going to implement to ensure that it’s different next time? So an apology has five parts, acknowledge the offense? Explain what happened, but keep that part real, real brief, express remorse, offer to make amends and then make a change. One of the really important things about repair is that you don’t make it about you. And that’s why I keep saying like, the part where you explain you’re gonna keep that real brief because this isn’t about you. And like all the things that were hard for you what you’re acknowledging is like, I messed up and my my child was impacted by that. You as the parent, you’re probably going to feel some shame.

Like me You’d be a lot of shame, you never want to mess up, of course, you don’t ever want to harm your kiddo. And then you’re probably going to feel some rejection and those emotions are going to be screaming at you. But remember, this is about your child and their experience. It’s not about how you are experiencing this mess up, okay? And this goes back to learn how to manage your emotions, so that you don’t put those emotions on your child to take care of for you, when you’re the one that messed up. Okay. All right, are you still with me? Let’s keep going. Number seven, practice empathy. I’m going to be brief here, I talk about empathy a lot. If you are curious Brene. Brown has extensive work on empathy, research based, really, really, really important work on empathy. But empathy is essentially hearing someone and understanding even if you don’t agree with them, even if that hasn’t been your experience, even if you don’t get it, I hear you, I understand you. Empathy is being with someone in their experience, even if it doesn’t match your experience. And let me tell you, your kids are craving empathy. The whole human race is you’re craving it, I’m craving it, everyone’s craving it. If you don’t have empathetic people in your life, if you were never offered empathy as a child, this is going to have to be a skill that you literally, like, learn about read about try to implement, like, it’s going to be almost like an academic exercise for you. Because it’s very foreign. It’s not something that you’ve experienced, and that’s okay, but I’m telling you, your kiddo is dying for it, it is worth practicing.

Number eight, let your kid be themselves. They are not you. You do not own them. They are their own little person. This should go without saying. But I think it has to be said because when I had kids, I wanted to make them into me. And when people would say let them be their own little person, I would be like, but it’s my job to shape that person. It’s my job to help that person grow. It’s my job to like, you know, all the fundamentalist thoughts were in my head at that time. So like, discipline them and raise them, right and all that thing. What I’m understanding now is that my kids were born with talents and gifts and ideas and personalities that need to be cultivated, and fostered and brought to light. Yes, of course, discipline is involved in parenting. He has, of course, we’re going to set boundaries, and we’re talking about that real soon. Actually, that’s the next one on my list. Okay, so boundary people, don’t worry, it’s coming. But honoring who they are seeing the good in them, calling out the amazing things that you see in them, telling them like, Wow, you’re really good at whatever fill in the blank. Noticing when they have a special skill, noticing when they have a talent, allowing them to develop the parts of them, that maybe you don’t understand. I encourage you to let your kids be themselves. This will serve you so well, when they grow up. And they are doing their own thing.

Because if you don’t look at them as an extension of you, then you don’t expect them to stay around and serve you forever. If you look at them as their own individual as an autonomous human, which is just a basic human need. we just all need autonomy, we need to be told that we are an individual, we need to understand that we are our own person that can make our own decisions. And the more that you can foster and encourage that, the better off they’re going to be. But also, you will have trained your brain for years and years and years to believe that your child is their own person. And so you will celebrate when they make achievements. When they go off into the world and they do their own thing. And you won’t feel slighted by it. Some parents are actually offended when their kids leave the house. Some parents are actually offended and feel abandoned when their kids grow up. But if you can begin to develop the skill of No, this is this is a person that is totally separate from me.

And I’m just going to encourage their gifts and I’m going to help them build their talents. Even if we do it for free on YouTube. Again, this has nothing to do with money. Even if we’re doing everything for free. And we’re checking books out of the library and we’re developing skills for free. I’m going to let them be their autonomous person And I’m going to be autonomous. I’m going to develop myself so that we can have a healthy separation of parent and child. All right, just two more. Number nine, set clear boundaries. Boundaries are very difficult for those of us with ADHD. I understand that if you’re like, wait, what I don’t get it, I don’t know how to do that, like same. Find Nedra twap spoke on boundaries, read it, we can implement it in your life. But clear is kind. So be very clear with your boundaries. One of the things that Greg and I have done from time to time, not all the time, but sometimes there’s just like, misunderstandings about the rules, especially in a two parent home.

Or maybe even if you’re like co parenting is really hard to be clear on rules. And every once in a while, we write them down and externalize them so that there is just clarity. And I’m not saying we have like a family rules list. But like with certain things like screen time, for example, there’s like 700 caveats to the screen time rule. Once in a while we write it down, okay, what is what is actually our boundary around screen time, set clear boundaries for your kiddos, you are the parent, kids need boundaries, obviously, and expect them to push those boundaries, they’re never going to be happy about it, they’re never going to be happy about the rules that you’ve set, they’re never going to be happy about the boundaries that you enforce, they will never be happy about it. Don’t get mad.

Like, of course, they’re not happy with rules, their kids, especially if you have teenagers, like you don’t have to take care of them. And make them feel good about the boundaries, you just be very clear about them. And then they’re gonna have their own experience. So they might get really mad, they might get resentful, they might hate you know, hey, you This is so stupid. Like, that’s okay. That’s kind of what kids are supposed to do. Right? You set clear boundaries, and then you let them have their own response to those boundaries. Right, last one, you ready, and we’ll do a little review. Prioritize connection. This is everything. I have shared this on the podcast before but about, oh my gosh, it was awhile ago, maybe four or five years ago, I realized that I really did not feel connected to my kids. She was so sad. At the time. They I can’t do the fast math. But my youngest was three. So maybe three, seven, and nine. And I did not feel connected to them. I was overwhelmed. I was frustrated, I was resentful. I wanted them to behave a certain way so that I could feel good.

Hear me, I wanted them to behave a certain way so that I can feel good. Now this goes back to learning how to manage your emotions and understanding that you are in charge of the way that you feel your kid is not in charge of the way that you feel. But prioritizing connection started for me about five years ago, I remember writing it down. At the time I was writing down affirmations Isn’t that adorable? I don’t do that anymore. But at the time, I was writing down affirmations. And I remember writing down, I will figure out how to connect with my kids. And it’s been a long journey of figuring that out. And one of the things that I asked myself regularly is, do I want them to obey? Or do I want to be connected to them? Now the answer to that question is both, but which one is more important? Right now, I am prioritizing connection over conformity?

Yes, we have boundaries. Yes, we have rules. But connection is the most important thing to me. I’m working to prioritize connection over looking good to the outside world. I want to look like a really good parent. I want to look like to other people, like I’m a good parent. And do you know what I think is the best way to look like a good parent, when my kids are perfect. So if my kids could just please show up and do all the right things at all the right times, then I can look like a good Baron. And then I can feel validated and I can feel good about myself. What I realized is that it’s not really great. It’s kind of not great. And so now I’m prioritizing connection. I want to know my kids, I want to feel connected to them. I want them to feel connected to me connection right now. In my estimation. It’s pretty much all that matters. All right, very brief summary here on how to be an amazing parent. First understand that the energy in it parent child relationship flows one way from parent to child, begin to accept who you are, you’re never going to accept to your kids are unless you first begin to accept who you are. Learn how to meet your own needs.

So you don’t make your kids meet them for you. Make it your life’s goal. Make it your goal, to identify and process and feel your emotions, learn how to self soothe, and you oh my goodness, this would change everything, learning how to self soothe, work toward being a safe person with your kiddo. Learn how to apologize and repair, practice empathy, let your kid be themselves, set clear boundaries. And last but certainly not least, prioritize connection. Listen, you just tolerating the discomfort of getting through the last 40 minutes of this podcast episode is an indicator that you already are an amazing parent, you already are somebody who wants to be a great parent to your kiddo. And so I want to say thank you, you’re doing an amazing, amazing job. And if you feel like you’ve messed up, same, I have to, but it’s never too late to try to repair.

Every child desires a good relationship with their parent, every child, no matter how old your child is, they want a healthy relationship with you. Now, maybe you and your child are estranged, maybe you haven’t been able to have a healthy relationship with your child. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want it. And I guarantee there is a lot of grief and pain there. And so I would really encourage you to take a look at where you can take responsibility. And take a look at where you can make changes and repairs so that you can prioritize connection. If you’re feeling shame and guilt for the way that maybe you’ve shown up with your kiddos, I get it. Those are big emotions, I feel them as well. I really do. I really, really do. I feel so much pain when I think about the mama that I was to my little kiddos. And I don’t make my kids take care of me in that. But I do want to hear from them. Hey, what was that like for you? How did that make you feel? I bet that was really hard, wasn’t it, validating their experience and helping them to see that like, we’re doing things differently now is really really important. You are good parent and you have the capacity to be an even better parent.

I love that you were able to engage with me on this episode today and I can’t wait to talk to you next week. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization productivity time management, emotional regulation. You know all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created focused for you. Focus is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program and I’m confident that you will to go to Ihaveadhd.com/focus for all details.