Podcast Episode #66: How To Be Consistent

This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it’s around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides we’re done for the day. We’re done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That’s when I reach for Cure Energy. It’s a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes so I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid vi that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and acai berry flavors are my current go tos. Crisp, refreshing and they don’t taste fake, y’. All. They don’t taste fake. I’ll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly I I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. What’s wild is that Cure Energy is only 25 calories and has zero added sugar. It actually helps me stay hydrated while giving me energy. Okay, I love coffee, but coffee could never Staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love CUR Cure. It’s clean, it tastes great and it actually works. And remember, Cure is FSA HSA approved which is amazing. You can use that money to pay for cure and for I have ADHD listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com I have ADHD with the code I have ADHD. And if you do get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about CURE right here on the podcast. It really helps to support the show. Don’t just drink more, Upgrade it with cure. With stays under $250 a night. VRBO makes it easy to celebrate sweater weather, book a cabin with leaf views or a home with a fire pit for nights with friends with stays under $250 a night. Find a home for your exact needs book now@vrbo.com. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristin Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter and you are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 66. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, and I am ready to roll. I have said the wrong episode number on the last two episodes and my producer Karen has had to edit them up for me. Details, man. And by the way, she was the one who caught it, not me. This is why outsourcing the stuff that you suck at, like the small details is so helpful. I hope that you are figuring out a way to outsource the stuff that you suck at. Whether you’re bartering and therefore getting it for free or you’re spending money on it. Outsourcing is everything today. I am pumped, passionate, so, so purposeful with this episode. I cannot wait for you to hear it. And we’re going to start with shouting out one of my Focus members, Grace. Now, this particular shout out might come as a surprise because she actually posted this in our Fails channel in Slack. But I think that there is an amazing win hidden in this so called fail. And so I’m sending Grace all the love today because she’s given me permission to share this with you. Here’s what she wrote this week in our exclusive focused community on Sunday Slack. Full disclosure, I went for drinks with the girls after golf on Wednesday, then went to my friend’s house afterward and stayed there for the whole day. No work, no meds, had drinks again, stayed overnight, which meant no meds. Day two, I meant to go home but didn’t. No meds. Day three, went back to her house after borrowing her car for a date. This is now day four. No meds. To sum it up, I failed to take my meds, failed to stay on my routine, failed to work on my future self for four days. I’m feeling a little embarrassed and ashamed of my mini bender, but. And you guys, this is the side note here. This is everything. Here’s the win. I’m back on my meds today and I went to spin class today and I’m officially back to my routine. First of all, Grace, you’re amazing. Great job getting back on the wagon. You’re an example of what’s possible for an adult with adhd. And you guys, this is exactly what we’re going to talk about today. Most of us with ADHD would look at Grace’s last four days if it were us, right? And we’d call them a failure and then we’d feel shame and we’d beat ourselves up and the shame and self loathing would cause us to avoid everything good that’s out there to help us. But Grace did not let this happen. Grace went four days without meds and without being productive. And then she restarted her routine like a badass. She’s back on track. It’s not a problem. This is how adults with ADHD will succeed. This is exactly how they will quote, unquote, fail. And then they’ll restart over and over and over until they reach their goals. Grace is leading the way. She doesn’t even know it. How fun is that? Now we do this to ourselves all the time. I’m just now realizing it. And this is why I’m so passionate about sharing it with you today, because it’s going to change your life. Now, Dr. Ned Hallowell endearingly labeled adults with ADHD consistently inconsistent. And he’s right. I mean, so many of us who’ve read his book Driven to Distraction had light bulb moments when we realized that inconsistent is actually a hallmark trait of adhd. It explained everything for me. I wonder, did it explain everything for you? Now I’m going to totally blow your mind today because my opinion is that inconsistency is not a problem at all. Inconsistency does not lead to failure. Inconsistency does not mean you won’t reach your potential. I mean, I’m living proof of that. Like, hi, my name is Kristin Carter and I’m inconsistent. I’m a six figure earner and I’m inconsistent. I will soon have a million dollar business and I’m inconsistent. We’ve spent our whole lives believing that inconsistency is a huge problem and that we’re not going to be successful until we’re consistent. So if your brain is exploding right now or if you feel like you want to fight me, I totally understand. Because we’ve been told over and over that the secret to success is being consistent. But I want to just flip that on its head. I want to turn it upside down. I do not believe that that is true. And I’m letting go of that belief. It’s no longer a part of my self concept. And I invite you to join me because here is what I believe is the actual debilitating problem. It’s not inconsistency. Here’s the problem. Adults with ADHD are actually not willing to be inconsistent. Now hear me. We’re constantly trying to reject the inconsistent part of us. We hate that we are inconsistent. We shame ourselves for it. We get into the habit of self loathing. And that is a huge problem. It’s a problem because once we inevitably see the dreaded inconsistency in whatever area of our lives that it shows up in, which, spoiler alert, it’s going to be every single area, we quit, we give up, we cancel, right? And here’s the kicker. We then think that we didn’t reach our goal because we were inconsistent, but the truth is we didn’t reach our goal because we quit. I literally am getting chills saying this to you because that is how important I think it is. Oh, my goodness. Inconsistency is not the problem, my friend. Quitting is. Now let’s put this in terms like, super easy. I believe we can all relate to it working out. Okay? Dun, dun, dun. Now, let’s say you sign up for a gym membership and it’s a nice gym. You know, it’s like kind of costly. You’re super excited about it. You start by working out all the time, but of course, you cannot sit sustain the schedule and you become inconsistent. Not just because you have adhd, by the way, but because you’re human, like all humans do this, but because you do have ADHD and you’ve seen inconsistency throughout your life and you’ve been shamed for it by parents and teachers and you’ve just made it a whole big thing. When you notice it in the area of going to the gym, you begin to beat yourself up because of course, this is what you’ve always done when you’ve been inconsistent. So it sounds like this, there I go again. I can’t be consistent with anything. I’m such a screw up. I’ll never get in shape. I knew I was going to do this. I knew I wouldn’t follow through. I’ll never reach my goals. I should just stop wasting my money. And then you cancel the gym. Instead of simply deciding to go to the gym today, you talk yourself into canceling the one thing that could be helpful to you, right? My gosh. Now what if you had just been like, dang, I notice I’ve been really inconsistent with working out. I’m going to go today and I’m going to schedule a time to go next week. And you just allow yourself to go to the gym inconsistently. Maybe it’s once a week now. Isn’t working out four times a month better than not working out at all? But no, we adhders with our all or nothing black or white thinking. We just go ahead and we quit the stuff that’s helpful to us. Now I spend a ton of time helping My clients see that inconsistency is not actually the problem. Quitting is the problem. When new members join Focus, I tell them to expect themselves to be inconsistent. Of course they’re going to be inconsistent. They have adhd. We are all inconsistent. There’s no such thing as being behind in the Focus program. Just give it an hour a day or an hour a week or an hour a month. Honestly, an hour a month is enough to make changes in your life. But I’ve noticed that some. Now this doesn’t apply to all, but some are not willing to be inconsistent because inconsistency feels so terrible in their bodies. They’ve made it mean such bad things about them that they feel obligated, compelled to quit the program instead of just deciding to show up today. Now, of course, some people just need to cancel because they need to cancel or they want to cancel, which is totally fine. But a lot of the cancellation emails that we get include sentences like, I’m behind or I haven’t been consistent or I feel like I’m not taking advantage of it like I should. These members, like, as soon as they realize they’re inconsistent with the Focus program, they think they need to cancel, which is so ironic because they’re canceling the one thing that could help them learn to be consistent, right? Spending brain energy beating themselves up and quitting instead of spending that energy taking advantage of the support that that’s available to them. Now listen, I get it. We do this, I do this. But we do this to ourselves because we idolize consistency. We put it on a pedestal because we’ve been told our whole lives that consistency is the pathway to success. It’s our holy grail, right? We think it’s the only way that we’re going to reach our potential. But I’m telling you we are wrong. I am telling you that the only way for an adult with ADHD to be successful is to be inconsistent and never quit. Now you are going to be inconsistent. Duh. You have adhd. It’s a hallmark trait of adhd, right? Like, now that I think about it, why would we ever set ourselves up for failure by telling ourselves, well, this time I’m going to be consistent. This time I’ll be consistent with my diet. This time I’ll be consistent with working out. This time I’ll be consistent with this self help program this time, this time, this time. What if we just stop, right? Like, how about you tell yourself, I’m going to keep going no matter how inconsistent I am? Wouldn’t that be so much more productive for us. I wonder what would happen if you completely let go of the idea of being consistent. Like, what if it wasn’t even a thought in your brain? What if the idea of consistency wasn’t even an option that was available to you? Like it doesn’t even exist? Consistency is not even a thing. Let’s talk about it in terms of eating healthy. A lot of us, when we decide to improve our diets, what we do is we make a new plan and we get excited about it and we stay rigid for a few hours or a few days, or if we’re lucky, a few weeks. And then we are inevitably inconsistent, of course. And when we are inconsistent, we shame ourselves, we beat ourselves up, we begin the pathway and the spiral of self loathing and we quit the plan altogether. So instead of getting back on our healthy eating plan, we just quit because inconsistency is not acceptable. And so if the only way we’re able to do the plan is inconsistently, well, that’s not acceptable to us. We make that mean terrible things about us. And so we just, like, it’s a no, I’m not even going to try. But what if we approached our healthy eating with inconsistency, knowing that we’re humans, not robots, knowing that we have ADHD and we are, as Dr. Ned Hallowell points out, consistently inconsistent. What if our thought was, I’m going to eat healthy and be consistently inconsistent with it until I lose the weight or get my blood pressure down or whatever it is. That’s your goal. Now listen, listen, listen. Consistency is not the goal because it’s not gonna happen. Let it go. Instead, be persistent. Turn your thoughts from consistent and instead always think of persistent. Persistent, not consistent. Okay, so persistence is the firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition. Dude, this is what we need, right? Screw consistency. It’s not available to you. You’re a human adult with adhd. You will always be inconsistent. But are you willing to be persistent? Are you willing to be firm, even obstinate in your course of action despite difficulty or opposition? Drop the expectation of consistency and you will be so much happier and fulfilled in this life. And spoiler alert, you will also find yourself developing consistency. I’m telling you, this is how it works. Here’s what I mean. Let’s say you want to arrive at work on time, but you’re finding yourself to be very inconsistent. And everybody has thoughts about it, right? Your boss has thoughts about it. You’re afraid Your co workers might have thoughts about it. So right now you’re making your inconsistency mean that you’re a total failure. You’re a screw up. You’re probably not even right for the job. Maybe you shouldn’t have that job, right? Every time you’re late, you beat yourself up and the shame spiral starts because you’ve totally idolized consistency. Now if you’re willing to change your perspective, it could be the turning point for you. Accept that you’re inconsistent. Start talking nicely to yourself. Be gentle with yourself when you realize that you’re going to be late, and then increase your persistence. Develop the muscle of persistence. This means that you’re committed to getting to work on time. And you know that you’re inconsistent in your wake up time and how long it takes you to get ready. And sometimes even when you leave early, you still sit in your car on Facebook. It’s just like a whole thing, right? So you add in some persistence. Remember, persistence is the firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition. Now if you accept that you are inconsistent, but you’re determined to be persistent, persistence will ask, how can I set myself up for success with my morning routine? Persistence asks, where did I go wrong this morning and what do I want to change for tomorrow? Persistence asks, how can I add so much extra value to my company, to my boss, to my co workers so they don’t even care that I’m late once in a while? Persistence asks, am I willing to set my alarm 15 minutes earlier? Now hear me. I’m not saying just don’t care. I’m not saying tell your boss like, hey, sorry, this is just like a symptom of ADHD and I’m never gonna be on time and you’re gonna have to accept it. That’s not at all what I’m saying. And I’m not saying don’t have goals, but I am saying let go of the fairytale idea of consistency. So if you stop telling yourself, oh, I just need to be consistent. Oh, I just need to develop consistency. And you start telling yourself, hey, I’m never actually going to be consistent, so I better figure out how to be persistent, what would change for you? Keep your goals in front of you and be persistent no matter how many times you veer off course. Always be willing to get back on track. Be like Grace, who went on a four day bender and then posted in the Focus Slack channel that she was getting back into routine. She didn’t let the inconsistency throw her off course. She decided to be persistent and take advantage of the resource available to her. She went to her spin class. She also, by the way, showed up for the coaching call last night. She’s inconsistent. Totally. Yes, 100%. But she is persistent, my friend. Always be willing to take advantage of the resources available to you. Instead of quitting the gym because you’re inconsistent, be persistent and go today after work. Instead of quitting Focus because you’re inconsistent, be persistent and listen to one call replay today on your lunch break. Instead of giving up on saving because you’re inconsistent and, you know, overspent this weekend, be persistent and make a small contribution to your savings account right now while you’re listening to this episode. All right, one last push here. When we think we should be consistent, we shame ourselves for being inconsistent. And shame always, always, always leads to procrastination and avoidance. And procrastination and avoidance, of course, will make you dun, dun dun inconsistent. Now, I invite you to spend time accepting your inconsistency. Accept the reality of who you are. Generate the feeling of acceptance. And from acceptance you will take action. And that action will lead to. Wait for it. More consistency. Now, I know this is huge and maybe your brain is exploding or maybe you’re having a lot of resistance to this. So if you’d like help join Focused, I will personally teach you how to accept and take action. I’m sending you all the love. I will talk to you next week. Bye bye. Hey ADHD er I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created Focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.