Podcast Episode #34: Parenting with ADHD with our friend Laura

This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it’s around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides we’re done for the day. We’re done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That’s when I reach for Cure Energy. It’s a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes so I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid. Vi vibe that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and akai berry flavors are my current go to’s crisp, refreshing and they don’t taste fake, y’. All. They don’t taste fake. I’ll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly I I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. 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And don’t forget their Hero Hawaiian rolls. With 4 grams of protein and 0 grams net carbs. Herobred has you covered with 0 to 5 grams net carb and higher fiber options so your holidays stay delicious and balanced like their 3 grams net carb pan au chocolat. Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero and use code fall25 at checkout. That’s fall25 at Hero co. All figures are per serving of Herobread contains up to 17 grams of fat per serving. See the product nutrition panels on Hero Co for more information. Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with age. Adhd. I’m your host, Kristin Carter, and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor, and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. What’s up, people? You are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode 34. My mom is medicated, caffeinated, and ready to roll. All right, guys, we are trying something new today. This is a podcast on parenting, and I am sitting here with my three kiddos. Do you guys want to say hi? Hi. Hi. My name is Owen. How old are you, Owen? 11. Cool. What’s your name? My name is Charlie, and I am nine years old. Hello. My name is Crosby and I’m five years old. So these are my sweet, sweet kids, and they are very wiggly and goofy, and we’ve done this several times. But I thought it would be fun. Fun for a parenting podcast to include some kiddos. So they’re dancing silently. Tell me what it’s like to have a mom who has adhd. I don’t know what the difference would be because I’ve never had a mom without adhd, so I don’t know how to compare. What do you imagine it would be like? No offense. They’d be more patient, probably. Yeah, definitely. I don’t know what to say. You don’t? Yeah. What’s your favorite color? Yellow. Charlie, what do you think ADHD is? Will you be more forgetful? Just saying. Yes. That’s a good one. Okay, so now is when I’m gonna say bye to you guys so that I can talk about you on this parenting podcast. How does that feel? Yeah. Okay. Wow. Hopefully your ears are not bleeding. I apologize. Please don’t send me the medical bill from the audiologist who says you are now deaf because of my children yelling in your ear. I do apologize for that. Today I’m just gonna have a super fun and casual conversation with my friend Laura, and we are just going to talk about all things parenting. A lot of people have requested a podcast on parenting with adhd, and I will tell you that I have avoided this topic for a long time because I do not feel like an expert. I do not feel like I have anything to offer in this department. So I’m not showing up at all as someone who is super knowledgeable, but rather someone who is just totally in it with you and trying to figure it out right alongside of you. This is where all of my insecurities and where I feel like I’m at my worst, where all of that comes out. And so it’s a topic that’s really kind of messy. Right? Like, parenting is such a wild and beautiful and love filled adventure, but at the same time it holds a mirror up to all of your flaws. And that can be very, very difficult for any human. But I think especially someone with ADHD or, you know, any kind of neurodivergency. So today is just a little chit chat about the crazy, messy journey of parenting. And I hope that you find it to be really, really relatable. And I hope that you feel like you’re just sitting with a couple of your friends talking about, yeah, the road of parenting. So if you are someone who has ADHD or you love someone with ADHD, I want to encourage you to visit my website, ihaveadhd.com on it you’ll find a psychologist approved list of adult ADHD symptoms and lots of resources to help you and your loved one with adhd. I really want my website to be a place of education and resources and a place where you can gather up all of the info that you would ever want about adhd, as well as some opportunities for coaching. So. So that’s pretty much it. My friends. I hope that you enjoy this conversation about parenting. And I am literally going to put on my noise canceling headphones, drink an adult beverage, and completely detox from the last 30 minutes of trying to record that info with my kids. So here’s my conversation with Laura. I always get so awkward at this part. I know, I do too. So I’m like, oh, we’re gonna like actually start. Okay. So. Laura, hi. Thank you for coming on again. You are our favorite. Thank you for having me. You’re welcome, girl. I have gotten so many requests for a podcast on parenting. As in how in the world do you parent when you have adhd? It’s rough. It is so rough. What is so crazy though, is that I am no expert in this area at all. So every time I get that request, I am like, oh, no way. I cannot do a podcast on this because I have nothing to offer in this area. I feel like I am just learning and just trying to make it work. Oh, there’s no way that’s true. Though. I mean, you have three boys. I feel like you have to be an expert on some level to manage that. And you have three happy boys. So pretty. That’s pretty amazing. Oh, that was really sweet of you. I guess I will say that this is an area that I really need to work on my own, like, my comfort level with who I am as a human. Yes. I think this is definitely, like, my area of. I’m still getting coaching on this. I’m still really trying to learn how to accept myself and show up fully human and not beat myself up. Because, you know, we’re dealing with these people that we love so much, and we want to do it perfectly, and it is so hard. Yeah. And what about we have mom guilt anyway? And all moms have that, whether you’re neurodivergent or neurotypical. And then on top of that, you struggle so hard to be responsible for yourself, and then all of a sudden, you’re responsible for other life, and that’s scary. Totally agree. I wonder if dads struggle with guilt. I don’t think that they do. I think it just shows up different. Like, my husband, for instance, like, sometimes he comes home. He has, like, a pretty stressful job, but he’s pretty lucky. Like, the job doesn’t come home with him, but sometimes he’s just, like, stressed from, like, meetings all day. And he’ll kind of share with me, like, I really want to be here, but I’m just so tired. And, you know, he’s just tired. And I think the guilt just shows up a little different. But I see it in him. Yeah, that’s true. When I’ve asked my husband about it, he doesn’t really experience guilt from, like, being away from the kids or, like, doing the things, like, you know, he plays hockey and he works every Wednesday night. Like, things like that that I think moms would struggle with. Like, am I allowed to be away in the evening? Or something like that. Right. But he does have. He has shared that. Like, he does experience guilt over, like. Like, am I instilling enough of our values and into, like, that kind of thing? You know, are we, like, for him? Like, are we reading the Bible together enough? Am I making sure that they, like, really know who they are? Am I? So, like, that is actually. That’s, like, a lot of weight on their shoulders. So if there are any out there listening, this is not just for the mamas. Cause we know that you guys struggle as well. So I thought it would be funny to start off with. With just some very real Talk. What? Laura, is your. Can you share some like, funny or embarrassing ADHD parenting moments with us? Okay, so I have one from Wednesday this past Wednesday, which is yet. Wait, Tuesday. Tuesday. So it’s this week? Two days ago. Love it. Okay, so I have three kids. I have a nine year old boy, a three, four year old girl and a three year old girl. My nine year old son had a doctor’s appointment and I couldn’t get anyone to watch the girls at that time. So I don’t know if you guys know what it’s like trying to have a doctor’s appointment for a nine year old with two toddlers there as well, but it sucks. But I was already dealing with that and I’m like, okay. And then just getting all the kids ready for like a 20 minute doctor’s appointment, which it was just like a routine type of checkup type thing, but it was just so stressful. And we walk in, all my kids get there, it’s like, okay, wow, I made it on time. I’m thinking like, wow, this is a big triumph. And then the woman’s just like looking confused. I was there a day early and I was like, okay, see you tomorrow. And I just was so angry at myself. I’m just like, it took so much effort. And I’m either, I’m telling you, I’m either as a mom, a day early or a day late. That’s the way it goes. That is so amazing. I love it so much. And then you’re just so exhausted and spent and totally done after all of that, like, effort. Do you know what we did then? I was like, screw it, we’re going to Target. So we did Target family trip. And I did some shopping therapy because I was just so angry. That is so funny. And that is so contradictory to your, like, don’t go to Target. So I love that because you can tell that was just like desperate times. Yep. We got some Christmas stuff and we’re like in that zone. So I was like, yep, I’m really mad right now. We’re gonna go make the most of this and just be wild. So wait, had you pulled your son from school to do this? No, I am. We kind of did a year where I’m doing not like homeschool, like online school this year. Totally forgot crazy. Like, why did I do that? I don’t know. I feel. I think it was an impulse and I made a bad decision. Do we want to talk about that one? Because that’s a little bit too okay. All summer, my son, my He. He’s so. He’s like going. He was going into fourth grade, and he just was having all this anxiety around school. And you guys know I’m a professional organizer, so I do have a flexible schedule, and I can pretty much make my own schedule with work. So I had the flexibility. And it was totally like one of those mom guilt moments. Like, well, I could do this for my son, so maybe I should. Maybe I should listen to him if he’s having all this anxiety. And I told him, I was like, I don’t know if this is going to work out, but we can try it. Because he was like, the poor thing was like, crying, like, I don’t want to go back to school. And I’m thinking like, well, maybe even just for one year, we try and see what happens. And Pennsylvania is really, really great with the online K12 schools. It’s like free curriculum. It’s easy. There’s a lot of support. Like, if it was just me kind of winging it, there’s no way I could do it. But they make it as easy as possible. So I was like. I looked into it. I’m like, let’s do this. And I told him, I was like, we’re going to try it if it’s. If it’s not the right fit for you or if it’s not the right fit me, you know, we’ll have to discuss going back to school for fifth grade. So we did it. It was totally an impulse in August. And I was like, well, what’s the worst that can happen? We can just try it. And the first month was really good, and it’s slowly kind of going downhill. And now it’s, you know, almost December, and I’m like, what the heck did I get myself into? Why did I do this? But, yeah, so I have. And it was 100% an impulse on my part that I did not think through properly. And so by mom guilt, though, it was totally healed. By mom guilt, Exactly. We can all relate to that. We can all relate to that. And especially as someone who’s neurodivergent. Parenting someone who’s neurodivergent, I don’t think you mentioned, but all three of your kids have been diagnosed with autism Spectrum disorder, correct? Yes. And my son is also ADHD as well, as well as developmental discoordination or developmental coordination disorder, which is like dyspraxia. So he has a lot of special needs. The school wasn’t really giving him supports that he needed. So to be fair, it was in my head it was like, well, let me try to give him the supports that he needs, but I’m totally not qualified to do that. So that was bizarre too. And, you know, it’s just fueled by mom guilt. And it was one of those things, like, if I had a full time 9 to 5 job, there’s no way I could even consider doing that, obviously. And I don’t. And it was like that. Mom guilt. Well, I am home. I can put my schedule where I need it to be. And I put that on myself and it just wasn’t something I should have put on myself. So. Good. So now you can make decisions with that in mind in the future. Like, remember how that felt? That did not feel good. Let’s not do it again. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve learned that, like, you know, big. I don’t regret it because I actually learned a lot through this. And we’re going to stick through it. We’re going to go through fourth grade together and we’re going to learn together. And I’ve told him, like, you know, this is a learning experience. He’s my oldest, so he’s the only kid that’s in elementary school right now. My first kid in elementary school. So I’m taking this as not a parenting failure because I’ve learned so much. I’m taking this as a huge learning experience for the both of us. I love it. That’s so good. Yeah. Because what else are you going to do? And then I think that as someone with ADHD and executive function issues, it’s like, we have to make those mistakes and we have to have the ability to focus, frame them into, like a learning experience. And we’re going to do it differently next time because I think, honestly, like, in order to make good decisions consistently, we have had to make bad decisions and feel the pain of what that was. Like, like, when I make an important decision, then I know, like, I know this happens, this happens. I know how it feels. And your body, it’s like muscle memory. Like, I don’t want to go back there and do that again. So it’s almost like we have to have those negative experience, which is why, like, a huge part of my mission is to help people to see that, like, everyone makes mistakes and they’re so useful. They’re so helpful. Yeah, I agree. I. And I’m just someone who’s always like, I remember my parents when I was younger being like, why do you do everything the hard way? And like, you know, it’s something that people have seen around Me, I’ve definitely seen that, and I do. But it’s because for some reason I don’t fully grasp the weight of the situation until I’m in already just in the thick of it. I don’t know why, but it’s good learning. Totally hands on learning experiences. Really. I feel like that’s the way we all learn and if we can just embrace that and not look at every single thing that we do, like as quote, unquote wrong, but just like, okay, I had to learn it this way and now I’m going to make a different choice. We will be so much happier. So much happier. Okay, so I’m going to share my most embarrassing ADHD parenting moment. And this is a doozy. Like, I am. I think I already know which one it is. I’m so excited because it was like the funniest thing I ever heard. My gosh. Ok, so I. Two summers ago, we had not been to the library in so long and I was like, guys, it is time. We are going to the library. And I made such a big deal about it. I have two readers at the time, so my kids are currently 11, 9 and 5. So at the time I had two readers. They were so excited. Take them to the library. Made a big deal about it, you know, and got them all books. They all like, we’re all waiting in line and all three of my like super cute precious children have like stacks of books in their hands. And I get up to the counter and we like put, you know, they all like put their own books up. It’s just like so cute, right? Like, you can imagine these like adorable, cute little people being so excited. And we go. I hand her my, I guess my license because Lord knows I have no idea where my library card is. And she looks at me with this like, with such disdain and she goes, I cannot lend you these books today. You have $100 fine on your. Oh my God, $100 library fine. Kristin Carter had $100 library fine. And I was so shocked and taken aback. I was like, wait, what? Like, I was so confused. And in the moment, like, processing this stuff in the moment is so hard and it’s hard to like, make a decision. I was like, I am not giving you $100, woman. You know, I was like, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Apparently 15 years ago, me got a library card at a different library and never returned a book and got a huge fine. And instead of taking care of it, guess what I did? I went to a New library and got a new card. Shocker, right? Shocker. So this fine was from 15 years ago. It was in like, the system. And since I handed her my license and not the card to that specific library she found, she found it. And I was like, so mortified. And I. I’ve talked about this a lot. I’m not someone who’s like, super in tune with her emotions. I’m usually like, I. I feel like I oftentimes process things like a man. Like, okay, let’s just like, solve the problem, get it done. It doesn’t matter, whatever. I start crying in the library. Like, can you imagine that? I’m crying in front of my kids and I’m just like. I’m like, we’re just leaving. So we left all the books there. My kids are like, mommy, what’s wrong? It was like one of the worst days ever. And I’m still like, I don’t know if you guys can relate, but when you just feel like if I just did not have this disorder and could process things like a normal human and could like return a library book or find a library book and just pay a fine like a neurotypical person, my kids would have such a better experience in life. Like, that’s where I went. I went down the dark. Oh, that’s sad to go there because I feel like there’s so many people who have library finds that you know all types of people. I think you’re probably right. But of course I made it something like, about my own flaw, like I’m flawed. I don’t want to call you out, but could you also share my favorite story of yours, which I thought you might be going to, about the pickup time from last year? Oh my gosh. Because I so relate to that one. I feel like your listeners would love that. Sorry to call you out. No, I totally forgot about that. When you said, I can’t wait to hear this story, I was like, I wonder which one she’s talking about. Okay. So my son Crosby last year went to a Catholic school. We’re not Catholic, but he went to a Catholic school and he went three days a week. He started in August and the drop off time was 8 and the pickup time was 2:30. And August through May, that is what we did. We dropped him off at 8. I picked him up at 2:30 in June. June 1 ish. Like the first week of June, my husband text me and he said, did you know that the pickup time is 2 o’? Clock? The pickup time is 2 o’. Clock. I’ve picked him up a half an hour late, 30 minutes late. And I was like, because I use this as my childcare while I worked. Like, I was never early because I was like, I’m going to get the most out of this, right? Like, I needed to work. I was never early. 30 minutes late. Every single day. Every single day. You would think that they would tell me. You would think that they would. That’s like the most shocking. You did a whole year, late every day, and no one ever said anything, not even in a nice way. They could have even said it in a. A rude way. You can imagine. Like, they’re probably so annoyed with you every day. And it was. I mean, I remember it was hot when I found out I was. It was like I was sitting on my front porch and it was. The sun was scorching, it was hot. So I know that it was late May or early June when I was finally, like, wait, what, 30 minutes? So did he have just the nicest teacher ever, like, who could not say anything for a whole school year? I was always like, I wonder why it is not busier. Like, I was actually patting on the back. Like, I must be one of the few people that gets here on time. Like, I had created this whole story that, you know, like, I was there at 2:28 every day, like, really proud of myself, hardly ever late. I mean, it was just. Yeah, no, they were there. They were there at 2. I love that you can laugh about that story, though, because I feel like that story specifically is so funny, but also leaves so much room for, like, major shame because you’re just like, oh, my God, that’s so embarrassing. But from the beginning, you cracked up about it. And I do love that too, because that’s what we have to do. We have to laugh this stuff off. Because parenting is so hard anyway at throwing in neurodivergent, you know, any type of trait. And then on top of that, most of us have neurodivergent kids, too, so it makes it that much harder to just be on top of everything. And all we can do is laugh. Because laugh to not cry. That’s what I say. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. And also, like, I have to really just let things go and know that, like, these are grown women that are his teachers. They should have said something. Like, they should have had the nerve to be like, Mrs. Carter, you know, we noticed that you’re coming late every day. Is there anything we can help you with? Is there any way, like, if they are honestly going to just Let me show up 30 minutes late. Like, everyone knows that an ADHD person is going to take advantage of that. Like, you give me an inch, I’m going to take like, seven miles. So, like, totally enablers of you. Totally. They enabled me. It’s. This is their fault. Can we just say it’s their fault? I mean, they definitely have a piece of that, you know, happening for so long. Right. It’s crazy. Okay, so what are some of the ways that you have been able to manage? Like, is there anything that you do that you’re like, okay, I have three kids. Like, this is what helps me to survive life. And I’m just talking about, like, keeping up with schedules and just like, obviously we don’t do it well. But when you do do it well, why? What is it that you’re doing that helps you to do it well? I think that one thing that’s really helped me is the fact that I need everything in my calendar, but not everything. So. So I just started about a year ago, started only putting really important things in my calendar because otherwise I get too overwhelmed. And then I stop even looking at it at all. And then I still, at times, don’t even look at it. Like, that day that I just showed up, I mean, it was in the right time in my calendar. I showed up at the doctor a day early just because I don’t even know. I was just like, today’s the day, and we just went. But that’s amazing. I think, like, learning. What’s the term? So just, like, prioritizing. That’s the biggest thing for me is figuring out what’s actually important and pretty much just focusing on that, because otherwise I get too overwhelmed with the three kids. There’s just too much. I mean, my youngest has three different types of therapists that we’re working with once a week now my son’s at home at school. There is a lot going on. And the therapists don’t all work on the same schedule every week. So I’m changing it up every week. Not my choice word. Yes. So what I have done is only important things go in my calendar. I look at, you know, the plan for the week, and that way I don’t get overwhelmed, because otherwise there would just be way too much information that I would have to process every day, and that’s just too much. So it’s all about editing what’s important, what. What can be taken care of later. And that’s kind of the only way I can stay on top of everything. Otherwise, it’s Just a jumbled mess and I’m messing everything up. So how do you decide what’s important? Like what qualifications does something have to meet in order to get on your calendar? So yeah, like for me it’s like what’s going on this week that or like tomorrow or you know, current events and then other things. You know, like that whole bullet journal concept has really helped me. Where you have like three categories or like through the brain dumps where you kind of like map out your brain dumps where you have like to do right now to do at a later time and then like way in the future. And that’s really helped me to kind of edit out the things that is, that’s just noise. Like maybe things like, oh, I really want to do this, but okay, that’s not important this week. So that helps me. Okay, that goes in the future. I’m not worrying about that this week kind of thing and just figuring out what is a necessity. So. And I have to throw in some self care items in there too so that I have to make sure I’m not just like killing myself for my kids and running down all my energy. So I’m making sure within the next week to put in things that I need as well because it doesn’t help my kids if I’m burnt out at all. If anything, it hurts them too. So I’m prioritizing top items for each of my kids and then top items for me and kind of putting that together in a way that I can manage it, which is going to be different for everyone. But that’s how I kind of stay. Keep my head above the water. I love that. Yeah. I resisted Google Calendar so much and I don’t know why. Looking back at the time I was unmedicated. My husband was just like, why can’t you just do Google Calendar? And I was like, absolutely not. Like that thing is trash. I’m not doing it. And about two years ago, maybe three, I finally was like, okay, like I will try it for, you know, X amount of time and it has saved my butt so many times. Like I don’t know, it’s so important. Yeah. How did I live without just speak so much to like our aversion to trying new things sometimes, you know, like new things that we perceive that are going to be like hard or overwhelming or not going to be helpful. I think I was already feeling so defeated in this area and I was like, absolutely not. I’m not doing that crap. So I had this like paper calendar and it was totally Unhelpful. And since I’ve started using Google Calendar, that has been life changing for me. Checking it every day. I still miss things once in a while, but it’s rare that I miss things. When I miss something. It’s usually like in the early morning before I’ve really like oriented myself in the day. So I’ve missed a couple coaching calls, like my own calls, not calls with clients. But you know, like I’ve missed one of those, you know, it was scheduled for 7:30 and I hadn’t checked my calendar that day. Right. The stuff that benefits you, you kind of just skip over and you’re not even paying attention. But you make sure to be there for your clients, right? Yes. And that is so interesting. So how do you think that parents can reframe the way that we think about investing in other people and prioritize investing in ourselves? I know that’s something that you’ve thought through and I’d like to hear your perspective on that. Yeah, I think just adding myself into the priorities. When I’m kind of figuring out like what my kids need, I think it’s so easy just to forget about what I need within that mix. And I definitely this is something way more recent. It’s definitely not something I did when my kids were younger and I needed it more then than I even do now. Like the older they get, it’s a little easier to kind of prioritize yourself when they’re younger. They need you so much more. It’s like more of a physical commitment to your children. And I totally needed my time and my self care even more then. So this is still something new that I’m working through. But I think just making sure that I’m keeping myself in mind when I’m thinking about what my kids need because my kids need me too. Yep. They need, they need you to be happy so that you’re not just like angry mommy all the time. Right, right. And I totally go there. I do. Yep. Yep. Yeah. That’s one of the things I used to have this story that I would tell myself that my kids needed to be with me primarily. And if they’re going to be like happy, healthy, well adjusted, God fearing children, they’re going to need to be influenced by their mother specifically, like not their father. This is the story that I had in my brain. They need to be influenced by their mother the majority of the time. And so I really ran myself ragged trying to fulfill that for my kids and now I see that like really what they need is two Parents that are showing up authentically who are not just bending over backwards all the time to make them happy, like they need, whether it’s a parent or if you have a partner or if you have like family or friends that are like important in your kids lives, like, they need other people too. And that was really helpful to me. So like when my husband is home with them, like I had to really work through, like, hello, you do not need to feel guilty right now. They are being parented when they’re with my mom or my sisters. It’s like, you don’t need to feel guilty, Kristin. Like, go do your thing, enjoy it, have a great time. They are being loved and cared for. Like they don’t necessarily need me. I don’t know why I had this like savior complex. Actually I do, but that’s like a whole nother therapy session. So let’s not even go there. But I really think that, like, knowing that your kids need parents who are really invested in themselves as well, like, that’s setting a good example and it allows you to show up fully, not depleted all the time. And that’s what I was doing is showing up like resentful, depleted, like tired. Not that. I mean, we’re always tired and I think adults are just tired. Like there’s different types of tired though. There’s like burnout, I’m stretched too thin tired, or like I had a really productive day tired. And that one is not as bad. That’s so true. That’s so true. So what do you do to regulate yourself when your kids are throwing temper tantrums and meltdowns? Like, how do you not also throw a temper tantrum? I’m definitely still working on this and not an authority at all. And honestly, I find that it’s really, really hard. But even if it’s not authentic, if I can try to stay as calm as possible, even when I’m freaking out on the inside and I have like two kids screaming and going crazy, you know, two of my kids are toddlers, so if one’s kind of freaking out, it’s very common for the other one too. I find that just trying to stay as calm as possible and lead by example really does help. Because when at least my kids especially, I mean, it kind of depends what’s going on with your kid. Tantrums and meltdowns are two different things and need two different reactions. So that’s like a whole, a whole other podcast. But my kids typically do like meltdowns more than tantrums and adding stress to that makes it so much worse because they’re not just like mad that they’re not getting their way. They’re actually like communicating to me that they’re upset and they need help, but they’re having trouble with communication. So that’s like two different things. My kids typically do that. They totally have tantrums, but the meltdowns are more extreme. And I find that just trying to stay calm and teaching them how to communicate and kind of leading by example in that situation really, really, really helps. But not just them, it helps me because if I’m like screaming back at them, I’m not going to feel good about that. And then that just makes the whole situation worse for everybody. So, yeah, just trying to stay calm is my biggest thing because my impulse is to scream back. I mean, like, that’s when someone’s screaming at me. I want to scream back. I don’t care if it’s my kid, my parents, you know, my sister, everybody. That’s just the way I am. And it’s an impulse. And I’m sure all of you relate to that. So even when it’s your child, if they’re screaming at you, I still have to like take a step back and be like, okay, we don’t scream back at a little person. We try to be a good example. And a lot of the times it’s not authentic. Like, I want to scream back on the inside and I’m really stopping myself. But I think just leading by example is the biggest thing. I think kids learn so much. And I know for me, especially growing up, I definitely had one parent, I’m not going to say who that was like all talk and kind of led by words and not by example. And I learned the hard way that kids learn so much by what they see. And I wanted to go back too to what you were kind of saying, how like you felt like you had to be there all the time. But what kind of example is that setting too? When kids grow up with a mom who’s like giving a kid everything they’d ever need, killing themselves to meet their kids needs, is that really setting up a good example of what life is like when they grow up? It’s really. I feel like personally it’s not. And that just by setting an example of like, listen, I’m taking care of my kids, but also a kid seeing a mom taking care of herself, I feel like that’s such a good example to set and the kids are going to grow up and hopefully see like, you know, my parents really took care of themselves and took care of me together. And hopefully they’re going to be more inclined to do that because you. I’ve seen, like, especially my clients that I’ve had, you know, I hear, like, what I asked them, what kind of example did your parents set for you? And almost all of them who are having trouble taking care of themselves had parents who did not take care of themselves. Yep, Yep. I totally agree with you. And I think that what has changed for me is understanding that it’s not my job to make them happy, and it’s not my job to fulfill all their needs. It’s my job to teach them how to fulfill their own needs. And when I really realized that, like, when I really got it, I was like, okay, so what I’ve been trying to do is, like, for example, when I see them melting down, like, trying to solve it for them, like, let me just get in there and stop your pain. Like, I can see you’re in pain. I don’t want you to be in pain. So let me get in there and solve it instead. Instead of teaching them coping mechanisms so that they know what to do with it. Like, totally. It is so transformative. And I think this goes back to even just the worldview of, like, for me, it’s also not, like, knowing that it’s not other people’s job to make me happy. Like, knowing that it’s not my husband’s job, it’s not my kid’s job, is not my boss’s job. Like, it’s nobody’s job to make me happy. That’s my job. And so. Right. And they’re going to grow up too, thinking, like, oh, my mom and dad, all they cared about was making me happy. They grow up and they’re going to expect everyone in their life that it’s their job to make them happy. Exactly. Exactly. So I think it’s so interesting because I don’t know that our parents had the tools and, like, there just wasn’t as much available for. With, like, self help and just understanding how emotions and thoughts, like, they create all of these actions. And like, when we melted down as kids, it was like, you’re being belligerent. Cut it out. Instead of like, oh, I got spanked. Oh, yeah, I totally got spanked for having tantrums or, like, questioning my parents at all with anything. Or, you know, just, I got spanked for being unhappy at times. Like, like, we’re having a good day. Like, why are you ruining everybody’s day? You know, which is like, I can probably Promise you. Maybe you weren’t spanked, but disciplined for, like, ruining your parents day. We all got that. If you’re in your 30s or. Plus, I know you got that. Amazing. That’s so amazing. Like, we’re having a good day, so I’m gonna spank you so that you have a good day. Like, that is amazing. Makes a lot of sense. Makes so much sense. I’m still questioning that one. Like, what. Wait, what? How did that work? What was your thought process there? We need to have a talk about this. But I feel bad. Do you ever feel bad, like, asking your parents about, like, specific questions, how that. How they raise you, and, like, they’re kind of like, oh, well, yeah, maybe that wasn’t the best choice, but. And then they totally, like, do the. I’m. I’m sorry. Like, I honestly don’t. Oh, my God. Go there. I love it. I know I shouldn’t. I totally go there sometimes. And my mom’s like, okay, I’m sorry. I love it. I always think, like, what are my kids going to have to work through in therapy because of me? Oh, I’ve thought about that a lot, too. What do you think it is? I don’t know. I know there’s gonna be stuff. I mean, all kids have stuff that they’re sure that sucked. I really don’t know. I love it. I wonder if my kids will feel like I wasn’t present. Like, when. I wish my mom played with me more. Oh, my gosh. I struggle with that. Luckily, I have a husband. I think we’ve talked about this before. I have a husband who’s very hands on with them and can just sit and play with them for. Unfortunately, I’m just not that person. Like, I love taking them out of the house and going and doing things I can’t sit on the floor. And, like, I didn’t even do that myself when I was a kid. Like, just sit and play with dolls or blocks. So trying to do that with my kids now feels impossible. And I feel bad about that, but I’ve kind of let that go. But that’s probably something that they’ll kind of think about. Like, oh, my mom didn’t really, like, sit and give me that type of play attention, and I definitely didn’t. They’d be totally right. Exactly. That’s the part where you’re like, I will totally pay for your therapy bill with this. Yeah. Yeah. Because I own that. And I’m the same way. There’s not denying it. Like, I just can’t do that. I feel like it’s excruciating. Like when they were toddlers and we had like a full day of being home, I would just be like, I don’t even know what to do. Like, just like, go live your lives. Like, why do you need me so much? I don’t. I could not sit and play with them. And my husband is so, like, he’s the same. He’ll set up like Nerf gun wars and they’ll, they’ll do all of these elaborate things and I literally hide in the bedroom. I’m like, have fun, Goodbye. This is too loud. Yes. I put it my noise canceling headphones and I’m just like, I love you, but I will not be involved. And I think honestly, that is a type of self care where it’s like, there are certain things that are just not going to be something that I will participate in. And I love you and I honor you and I will set up scenarios so that you can do that with friends or with other family members, but I cannot fulfill that for you. I think as long as they get that somewhere. And even if it’s not necessarily a parent, if they go to like preschool or daycare and they have that like floor time with other kids, I don’t think it’s going to damage them. Honestly, if it’s not. Like, if they don’t have every single person in their life sitting down on the floor with them and playing with them, like, that’s kind of what I’ve. I don’t know, maybe that’s a cop out, but I’m just like, they’re going to be okay. They’ve played on the floor with other people. It’s fine. They’re going to be okay. The kids are all right. I always think that the kids are all right. They’re okay. They’re gonna be okay. Okay, we have one minute. I am wondering if you could communicate anything to ADHD or neurodivergent parents. Mamas and daddies out there just kind of, you know, muddling through, trying to make it work, trying to love their kids and also figure out life. What do you think is like one of the most important things you could share or one of the things that you’re working on in your own parenting journey? Be realistic. You are not going to be a perfect parent because that does not exist. You can only give your kids what you’re capable of at that moment. And of course you can work on things and get better at things, but that’s a process. And we’re also not going to get that, like, within a day that we want it. So I think just, like, being really realistic and not having guilt and shame over the things that you can’t provide at every moment and saying, hey, this is who I am, and I need to work on this, but not, like, turning that into a horribly negative thing. I love it. So mine would be to let your kids see you fail. Like, bring them into it. I love that. Yeah. Talk to them about it. Show them that adults are not perfect. Show them that it’s okay to make a mistake. And this is, like, how we’re gonna handle it. And even when you, you know, when you yell at them or you do something that you feel like is inappropriate, apologize and bring them into that. Like, this is something that I’m working on, and I’m struggling with it. Even the library thing, Like, I sat with my kids in the car and I was like, okay, this is what happened. I have this fine and this. Like, I need to go back and pay it. I don’t know. Like, allowing them to see see you fail for me has been very healing because I think it’s a great teaching moment for them. And you can kind of, like, coach yourself while you are teaching them about just, like, being human. Because all humans struggle. We all struggle, we all fail. And it’s an amazing way to, like, help your kids grow into adults who are not afraid to fail, who are not afraid to take risks and show up fully, authentically. I totally agree. And it’s a great experiment, right? Because a lot of us didn’t have parents like that. We had the. Because I said so parents. We had the parents. Like, I don’t make mistakes. This is the way I parent. And I think a lot of us are so different. I’m actually really excited to see how our kids kind of grow up and see the differences between us. It’s very interesting. I love that. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today. I feel like we should do this parenting thing kind of regularly, because I think a lot of people who have ADHD or neurodivergent just are really craving, like, what in the world can I do to survive this parenting journey? I love it. Thank you for having me. Always a pleasure having this mom versation with you. All right, Bye. Bye. Bye.