Podcast Episode #42: ADHD and Schedule Fantasies

This episode is sponsored by CURE Hydration. All right, I’m going to be real with you. Drinking water is boring. My ADHD brain is like, wait, we have to do this again? Like every day, multiple times. What in the world? And because I’m running from meetings to coaching calls to kid chaos, staying hydrated is not something I’m naturally good at. It’s not something I naturally think about. That’s why I’ve been obsessed with Cure hydration packs lately. Cure is a plant based hydrating electrolyte mix with no added sugar, only 25 calories, and it actually tastes good. The watermelon and berry pomegranate have been on repeat for me. I’m actually like really running low on those flavors, which is so sad. They’re refreshing without being too sweet or artificial. It feels like my water finally has a little bit of personality, which I enjoy. I really do. What I love most is that CURE uses a science backed formula that hydrates as effectively as an IV drip. So when I’m scrambling through my day forgetting my water again, CURE helps me to catch up fast. I throw a few packs in my bag and it makes drinking enough water simple, which for my ADHD brain is basically a miracle. So staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love Cure. It’s clean, tastes great, and it actually works. And bonus, CURE is FSA HSA approved. So you can use those funds to stay hydrated. The smart way For I have ADHD podcast listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com IhaveADHD with the code IHAVEADHD. And if you get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about Cure right here on the podcast. It really does help to support the show. Don’t just drink more water, also upgrade it with cure. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 42. How’s it going my peeps? You good? I am medicated, caffeinated and ready to roll. Can’t Wait to chat with you today. I’ve been thinking about this idea of schedule fantasies for the whole week, and it’s been really fun to have it on my mind and work it out and think it through and process it and really mull it over. I am not really a muller, you know what I’m saying? Don’t really spend a lot of my brain’s power mulling, but it’s been really fun for me, so I’ve enjoyed it so much. Can’t wait to chat with you about it today. I’ve just been having the best time in our focus group. You guys don’t even know. What’s really funny is that I started the Focus membership and I thought to myself, well, so let’s see if we like it. I mean, how do you know if you like something unless you try it? Unfortunately, and we just chatted about this on our Decisions podcast. I think it was last week or the week before. We don’t get to know the end result before we decide, so we don’t get to know if we like something before we decide to go for it. Right. Like, you don’t know if you like chocolate until you try chocolate. You have to do the thing before you figure out if you like it or not. So starting something new is a huge risk because of that, which is why so many of us live in inaction. Correct? Correct. So it’s so fun and freeing and just like super gratifying to have started the Focus Membership and taken the risks. And, you know, I’m doing the hard thing now, but also totally loving it. So fun. What’s also very interesting and fun is the person that I’m having to become in order to do it successfully. The person that I’m having to become looks different than the person that I was three months ago. So I have to become the person who emails the group three times a week when we have a. When we have a call. I have to become the person who schedules text messages. Why can’t I speak? What’s going on? I have to become the person who schedules text messages in advance and remembers to do that. I have to become the person who is willing to figure out website stuff now. I created my own website. I have ADHD.com, of course, with my amazing web developer. But honestly, she didn’t want to help me and she made me do it myself, which I will be forever grateful for, because now I can do all the things on my own. And then she’s there for all of the techie. Really amazing backend stuff, but the person that I’ve had to become in the last couple weeks is someone who is willing to try and fail with this website stuff, someone who’s willing to try and fail with merchant services, someone who’s willing to try and fail with zoom webinars. Like all of this stuff that I’ve never had to deal with before and I have to evolve into the person who’s willing to do it and willing to figure it out. And also one of the things that I’m noticing is that I’ve had to develop a tolerance for, for the. There’s no better word to describe it than like the hangover that comes from working more than you’re used to working. Do you guys relate to that? Like, totally hung over the next day. It’s like an energy hangover when you expend all of your energy and you just work, work, work, work, work, work. And maybe you’re working till 11pm and then your brain doesn’t want to settle down, so you’re really up until 1pm and then the next day you just feel so hungover. But you still have appointments, you still have coaching calls, you still have, well, three kids, right? And things to do. So that’s one of the things that I’m like having to do is just become a different person. And I’ll tell you, it’s not easy at all. It’s so not easy. But if you think about your dreams and your goals and what it’s going to take to make them reality, want you to really think about, who do I have to become in order to make this happen? What am I gonna need to tolerate? What am I gonna need to do that’s different from what I’m doing now? What am I gonna need to be able to feel that’s different from what I am willing to feel now? So for me, I hate feeling frustrated. And yet if I want to do this membership successfully, I’ve got to welcome frustration. It’s a part of it. So if I’m someone who’s adverse to frustration, if I’m someone who’s like, no, won’t do it, can’t do it, can’t tolerate the frustration, then there’s no way I’m going to try and fail and try and fail until this is like the best thing ever. So I just want to encourage you. As you’re thinking through your goals, as you’re thinking through your dreams, think also about who you need to become in order to take action and stick to it. It’s a very interesting question to ask yourself. And it’s a really neat process to watch in myself. So, like, yesterday was a really awful day, which is my thought about it, right? So there were some facts and there was some drama and I really was battling within myself because the thoughts I was having were like, this should be easier. I shouldn’t have to deal with this. Why isn’t this working? How am I going to get this done? So we were having some technical difficulties with the payment processing. And honestly, like, that’s a big deal, right? And so feeling the weight of the big deal that it is, but then also being willing to tolerate the frustration and just relentless, relentlessly working at it until it’s done is just so huge. And so I’ve been really pondering, like, who do I really need to be in order to continue to take action in order to show up as the best coach ever for my clients. And if my goal is to be an example of what’s possible for someone with adhd, then I better embrace frustration. I better embrace the potential of failure. I better embrace the risk of looking stupid. Right? That’s just a part of it. So I just want to say, my friends, that evolving is not easy. But my whole premise here is it’s going to be so worth it. Because who wants to stay the same? I don’t. I love the who I am. I love who God created me to be. I love my life as it is. And I always want to improve. Always, always, always want to grow and change and evolve and become someone who is even more productive, even more valuable to the world, even more helpful to those around her. So thanks for coming to my TED Talk. I feel like we should just close in prayer and be done. What do you think? Just kidding. That’s a church joke. So if you don’t think church jokes are funny. Sorry. So today we’re going to be talking about schedule fantasies. And this concept, like I said, is something that I’ve been thinking about for a while. Can’t wait to talk to you about it. I’ve been running it by the people in the Focus membership and then also my one on one clients. And it’s really been resonating with people, so I can’t wait to chat with you about it. So one thing that I feel like is very pervasive with the ADHD community is the fact that we love to fantasize. Okay. And so today we’re going to talk about fantasizing about our schedules. So here’s what, I mean, here’s what we do. We Say, it’s going to be so great when I get this and this and this done. Tomorrow’s gonna be so amazing because I’m gonna get this done. I’m gonna get this done. It’s gonna just be so great. Someday I’m gonna be a millionaire. And someday I’m gonna have the perfect spouse. And someday I’m gonna have three kids. And someday I’m gonna have the thing, whatever it is that we fantasize about, right? And what we don’t realize that we’re doing is that we live in the fantasy and not the reality. And when reality comes, it’s hard. We don’t follow through. So we get stuck in this cycle of fantasizing and then avoiding. Then fantasizing and avoiding. And here’s what I mean. So for an example, if you’re fantasizing about having the perfect mate, someday I’ll find the perfect spouse, and they’re going to be like this, and I’m going to feel like this, and they’re going to treat me like this, and I’ll be so content and I’ll be happy and I’ll be secure. But what does that fantasy, what does living in that fantasy land about the perfect mate protect you from? It protects you from actually doing the hard thing, which is dating, putting yourself out there, risking potential failure, trial and error, meeting people who some people you’re going to like, some people you’re not going to like. So the fantasy actually keeps you in this protection. And my theory is that it’s the brain’s way of protecting you from the severity of reality. Because sometimes reality bites. It was a 90s reference. Anybody get that? Anybody get that? Right? Sometimes reality bites. And so the fantasies protect us from reality. If you’re fantasizing about having a ton of money, being a multimillionaire, how great would it be if I didn’t have to worry about my bills? How great would it be if I could get whatever I want? How great would it be? Oh, my gosh, it’s going to feel so good. And you actually go into that space of feeling some of what it’s going to be like. What does that fantasy protect you from? It protects you from actually getting down to business and figuring out how you’re going to make it happen. What’s the next step that you can take? Do I need to start a business? Do I need to ask for a promotion? Do I need to look for a new job? Do I need to get a raise? Do I need to get a second job? That part Is hard. That part is reality. It’s the hard work of reality. And so the fantasy actually protects us from that. We fantasize about being a certain weight or a certain fitness level. Right. It’s gonna be so great If I lose 100 pounds. It’s gonna be so great if I lose 10 pounds. I’m gonna feel so much better, you know, work out and then I will have really sculpted arms. This is my fantasy to have, like, amazingly sculpted arms. Like, I think about that, but I don’t actually do push ups ever, right? So, like, what’s the point of fantasizing about it if I’m not going to get down on the ground and do the push ups? The fantasy, the feeling of what it would be like or what I, you know, project and perceive and pretend it will be like, protects me from doing the hard work of pushups, which I totally wish I would do. It’s another topic. You guys always hear me complain about that. Okay, moving on. So we adhders often live in fantasy land, and I think that this likely started for us when we were kids as a protection from boredom, as a protection of the pain of being human. Being human is not easy. It’s 50% amazing and 50% hurts. Right? And so I think as kids, many of us went into this coping mechanism of fantasy. I can remember having trouble sleeping as a kid, of course, right. Because I am ADHD hyperactive. And so my parents would put me to bed and literally I would lay in bed for hours and just develop these elaborate stories. And of course they involved like, horses and babies and backstreet boys, all of the things that little girls are going to, like, have the stories in their brains about, right? So there’s all of these fantasies that we have of the future. And I can remember so distinctly. And what’s funny is I really don’t have a lot of memories from my childhood, but I do remember some very distinct fantasies that I had. One involving a horse. I always wanted to have a horse. And I would just go to this place in my brain where I would have this horse and like, I would like, muck out the stall and like brush it down. Like I would have all of these. Yeah. Stories about it. And really I think it was a protection from the boredom, just laying there doing nothing. Right. And I think a lot of us also have fantasies that are protection from reality of like, the world is hard, life is hard sometimes. And it’s easier to fantasize about what could be than to live in the reality of what is the Problem is, a lot of us don’t grow out of this fantasy land. A lot of us are not even noticing that our brains are spending a lot of time fantasyland. Because living in the fantasy is easier than living in reality. Because when it comes down to it, following through on the hard thing is hard. We don’t feel like it. We talk ourselves out of it. We find an excuse, we get out of it. Somehow we’re not sure where to start. It feels too overwhelming. So here is the real concept that I want to talk about to you about today. Schedule fantasies. How many of you get to the end of your day and you’re disappointed with what you’ve accomplished or not accomplished. And you tell yourself, tomorrow’s going to be different. Tomorrow, this is what I’m going to do. And then you live in the fantasy of what could be tomorrow. It’s going to be so great. Get this done and then I’m going to this done and then I’m going to get this done. But then tomorrow comes and you don’t do it. You don’t follow through, you don’t do the hard things. And then that night you fantasize about the next day. And it’s just this vicious cycle of fantasy and inaction. Because reality is hard. Reality bites. Reality is work, right? Reality can be so uncomfortable. In reality, I have to tell myself no. When I want to do something fun instead of my work, I have to tell myself no. In reality, I have to make myself do the hard thing. I have to make myself face my fears and risk failure, risk looking stupid in front of people, right? So reality can be a lot less comfortable than the fantasy. So what we do, so we live in the fantasy. It’s really not productive to live in the fantasy. Here’s what we do. We get the dopamine hit in advance. When we are living in fantasy land. When we’re dreaming about the things that we’re going to do tomorrow or all that we could accomplish, what we’re doing is we’re like getting some of that dopamine hit in advance. And then when it comes to actually following through and doing the hard thing, we’ve already gotten that dopamine, we’ve already gotten the dopamine. And so we just are like, eh, I don’t really wanna. I just don’t really want to, right? We just find so many reasons not to do the thing that we say we’re going to do. So what I would offer here is spending a lot of time in reality. Reality is amazing. It doesn’t get any better than this. A fantasy is not real. It’s just a fantasy. It’s not the real thing, it’s a fraud. It’s just a made up story of what could be. But it is not actual reality. Don’t let yourself fantasize about tomorrow. That is like the number one way to predict that you’re not going to do the stuff if you’re living in the dream. If you’re living in the fantasy, of course you’re going to make a list. But don’t put yourself in that future and feel all the fuzzy feelings of it, knowing full well you likely will not follow through on it. What we do when we say, oh, I’m going to schedule my time, I’m going to make my list, a lot of time we spend like an hour doing that. Oh, and if I do this, that’s going to be great and I’ll just move this over here. And we just have like all of the gadgets and the tools and the sparklies and the stickers and the iPads and the technology and the apps to like make this schedule. But what we’re missing is the actual follow through. What we’re missing is the ability to make ourselves do the thing that we want to do. When you find yourself spending so much time planning, know that that is just another way to buffer. That is just another way to avoid. It’s just another way to procrastinate. It’s just another way to make yourself feel good in the moment because your brain is looking for that feel good thing. What if you turn it around? And what feels good is doing the hard thing and getting it done. Getting that dopamine hit at the end, getting that satisfaction of knowing you’ve completed what you say you’re going to do. Getting the dopamine from the follow through. See, my theory is that our brains get the shot of dopamine in the fantasy moments with no actual accomplishment. And then when we go to do the thing, it doesn’t feel as good because the dopamine was already there. We got the dopamine from the scheduling, from the planning, from the dream, not from the reality. So then reality just doesn’t feel good and we avoid it. We procrastinate. We find something else to do, something else that feels important, something else that sure it needs to be done, but it doesn’t need to be done right in that moment. So here are four tips for getting out of the fantasy. Actually following through on getting the things done that you want to do this first Tip doesn’t count. Go back and listen to the Vision episodes. I have two episodes on Vision. One from the very beginning of this podcast, maybe episode like six or something like that. Then one from just a couple weeks ago. Those vision podcasts are important because you need to be very clear about your vision. You need to be very clear about your values and what you want out of this life. It’s only then that you can set good boundaries for yourself and know what to do. It’s only then that you can make good decisions about your schedule. My people, okay, make sure you have a good vision. This is why we’re spending a whole month in Focused studying vision. And guess what? It’s hard. We had a strategy class yesterday. It was not easy. It’s hard for us to constrain and only pick five values. It is hard for us to imagine a vision of what we want and then follow through on making it happen. It’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be easy. It says higher level thinking, my friend. This is calling you to a new version of yourself. Just like I was mentioning at the beginning of the podcast. Who do you need to become in order to have a vision and follow through on it? You need to become someone. Doesn’t live in fantasy land. Now some might argue that a vision is a fantasy, right? It is just a picture of what we want for the future. And isn’t that a fantasy question mark? But what I would say to that is what? Of course we want the picture of what we want our lives to look like. But if we’re only living in the picture, if we’re only living in the fantasy, if we’re only thinking about how good that’s going to feel when we accomplish that, then we are never going to be willing to take the day to day steps of getting it done, of being uncomfortable in the moment so that we can accomplish a goal. So it is partially thinking about the future and having a visualization of it and having a quote unquote fantasy. But I don’t want us to spend our time there unless we’re accessing it during the difficult moments of like, hey, I want to access that picture so that I will actually follow through on this task. So Here are the four tips. Number 1. Set attainable goals that can actually be accomplished when you are going to schedule your time. A lot of times our schedule is laughable. It’s not doable, it’s not something that any human can actually accomplish. So don’t live in Fantasy land. When you’re making your schedule, what is actually realistic? What have you proven in the past that can be done? What can you actually get done? Do not schedule a fantasy item. Now. This is where a good coach or a therapist could come in handy, because they can help you be much more realistic about what you’re scheduling for yourself. I always recommend putting it on your calendar. I use Google Calendar. I block off my time. My podcast recording time was blocked off, and actually I’m doing it in two sittings. So I finished one part of the podcast, and then I went and did a coaching call, and now I’m here doing the second part of the podcast, and I’m having to rearrange some things that I actually finish it and get it done. The podcast is the one thing that I procrastinate on the most in my life because it’s the most uncomfortable, it’s the hardest. There are the most details. With this, there’s the most risk of failure. With this, there’s the most risk of ridicule with this task. There’s also a lot of, like, technology that I have to learn and. And things that I have to do on that end. So I totally see myself procrastinating with this podcast, and I’m onto myself. I’m like, kristen, look what you’re doing. You’re procrastinating. You are not willing to tolerate the discomfort of just getting it done. Now, do I dream about being, like, six months ahead with this podcast? Yeah, I do, but it’s not. I don’t even bother to write like I used to write on my calendar. Complete two podcasts for one day. And then I tried that a couple times, and let me tell you, my friend, doesn’t work. Does not work for me to get two done in one day. So that’s just the way it is. So I don’t keep putting that on my calendar. I know now that that’s not realistic. I don’t have the fantasy that I’m going to. To get that done. Okay, so now my goal, just finish one, girl. Finish one. Get it posted. That is the goal. So make sure your goals are realistic. The way to know if your goals are realistic is if you’re actually able to accomplish them. If you’re not able to accomplish them, then they’re not realistic. Cut them in half, see if that’s doable. If that’s not doable, cut it in half again, see if that’s doable. Okay, so do not put fantasy goals on your schedule. Put actual doable Things on your schedule. The next thing is. Take only 5 minutes to plan your schedule out. Do not get lost in the feeling of what it will be like when you’re done, what it could feel like when you’re done. Do not get lost in the organization, in the planning, in the color coding and the sparkle making. And don’t, don’t bedazzle your schedule. People don’t need to bedazzle it, okay? Just make a simple schedule that’s realistic and do not fantasize about it. Just be like, okay, what’s happening? Number three, visualize following through. So instead of visualizing, like, having the end thing, like, oh, I’m going to visualize having a million dollars, or I’m going to visualize having the perfect spouse or I’m going to visualize, you know, losing 50 pounds. No, visualize getting to work. Visualize doing the thing that’s on your schedule. Visualize, like, sitting down to write an email or going for that walk or, you know, whatever, signing up for a dating app or going on a date with a person. Right? So, like, visualize the actual little steps that you have to do, not the fantasy of, like, what it’s going to be like when it’s all done. I really think this is an important step, so I want to say it again. Make sure you’re visualizing doing the hard thing in advance. Doing the not fun part, the getting done part. Right? Completing the goal and being finished is the fun part. Okay, but don’t visualize that part yet. Just visualize, like, okay, I’m going to do this. I’m going to make myself do, do this. Expect it to be hard, welcome it. It’s supposed to be uncomfortable. Then number four, make sure that you really take the time to experience the dopamine at the end when you actually have done the thing that you said you’re going to do, like, celebrate it, feel it, really be proud of yourself and, like, really let that dopamine course through your whole body. I said I was going to do this and I did. I’m a frickin boss. I’m amazing. I said that I was going to only take two hours to record a podcast, and I only took two hours to record a podcast. I’m amazing. I’m a boss. It’s amazing, right? So I really want you to, instead of trying to get the dopamine ahead of time by fantasizing about the thing, spend conscious, intentional time at the end once it’s accomplished, feeling that dopamine, being proud of yourself, being happy, and knowing that you did a good thing, I think that a lot of us could really use some time in reality and just kind of like embracing what is. Byron. Katie says, loving what is. I love reality. This is all I have. This is amazing. And sometimes it feels really hard. Sometimes it actually feels like trash. I’m not gonna lie. But the thing is, living in the fantasy, in the pretend version of what could be is not productive. I couldn’t think of a word. Sometimes there’s silence because I literally cannot think of words. Then I’m like, should I go back and edit that silence out and make everything sound perfect? But then I wouldn’t accomplish my goal of getting this podcast recorded and posted in two hours. So the answer to that’s no, it’s not going to be perfect because B minus work can change the world. So set attainable goals that can actually be accomplished. Number one, the way to know if a goal is if your goal is attainable is if you can attain it. And if you can’t, then it’s not attainable. You cut it in half. Number two, take five minutes to schedule. That’s it. Don’t get lost in the fantasy. Don’t bedazzle your schedule. Just take five minutes and be done with it. Number three, visualize the doing of it. Visualize it being hard. And that’s okay, right? So we’re going to embrace the reality that carrying these things out is going to be hard. It’s no problem. And then number four, really experience the dopamine hit at the end. Really take time to celebrate and feel it. Be proud of yourself. Scream it from the rooftops. Post it on Instagram. I did the thing. I did a hard thing. I think that is so, so great. All right, my friends, I hope this was so helpful to you. And as always, if you are looking for some extra help, some coaching, some support, come check out my monthly membership. Focused. It is freaking awesome. Love it so much. We’re having a blast. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused. See you over there. Bye. Bye.