This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it’s around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides we’re done for the day. We’re done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That’s when I reach for Cure Energy. It’s a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes so I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid vi that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and acai berry flavors are my current go tos. Crisp, refreshing and they don’t taste fake, y’. All. They don’t taste fake. I’ll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly I. I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. What’s wild is that Cure Energy is only 25 calories and has zero added sugar. It actually helps me stay hydrated while giving me energy. Okay, I love coffee, but coffee could never Staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love CUR Cure. It’s clean, it tastes great and it actually works. And remember, Cure is FSA HSA approved which is amazing. You can use that money to pay for cure and for I have ADHD listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com I have ADHD with the code I have ADHD. And if you do get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about CURE right here on the podcast. It really helps to support the show. Don’t just drink more, upgrade it with cure. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter and you’re listening to the I have ADHD podcast, episode number 83. I am medicated, I am caffeinated and I am ready to roll. Today we are talking about the shoulds and the have to’s and I’m Going to beg you to please stop shoulding all over yourself. It’s not effective, it’s not fun, and it doesn’t get you the results that you want. No more. No more of that. But before we get there, I got some happy mail, and I wanted to share it with you. I want to shout out my client, Deborah, she’s in Focused. She’s so kind. Here’s what she said. She said, kristen, I am in awe of the work that you teach. I’ve had many coaches. Tony Robbins, Denslow Brown, and many more. And I’ve never found someone who can really get to my brain like you do. I am so glad. I repeat, I am so glad that I found you. I am moving along far faster than ever. Deborah, thank you. I love you. You’re so kind, and I’m so glad to have you in Focused. You guys, if you’re not in, what are you doing? It is so much fun. We have the best time. Being surrounded by a group of educated professional adults with ADHD is the best. Today we’re talking about all of the shoulds, all of. All of the have to’s, all of the things that we tell ourself that are really not effective. And I really think that this message can change your life. I have heard so many of you talk about the things that you should do and then things that you have to do. And a lot of the ways that you guys present on coaching calls is like, I really should be, you know, fill in the blank, going to bed on time or doing my work or finishing the paper that I have to write for school or cleaning my kitchen or calling my mom. Like, I really should be doing that, but I’m not. And I can’t figure out how to get myself to do the thing that I should do. Here’s the thing. When we tell ourselves that we should do something, it never works out. I want you to think about that. Do you ever have the thought, oh, I should do the dishes. And then you’re like, okay, great. That sounds amazing. I’ll just go do that right now. No, you don’t. I know you don’t. I know you don’t. You’re like, ew, gross. Leave me alone. Why are you telling me what I should do? Right? Because first of all, you’re a human. And second of all, you’re a human with ADHD. ADHDers don’t like to be told what to do. Stop telling me what to do. Stop being bossy. Like, Greg will suggest something to me. Oh, you should do this. And I’m like, well, I would have done that if you hadn’t told me to do it. But now that you’ve told me to do it, I can’t do it. I don’t like being told what to do. But what is so crazy, funny, ironic, annoying is that we do this to ourselves constantly. We are constantly telling ourselves what we should do, and then we wonder why we’re not doing it. You guys, it is time to stop. No more shoulding. No more shoulding on yourselves. It is time to stop. If I could change one thing, I would change this. Stop telling yourself that you should do stuff. Okay? It’s not working. I want you to think about that. Is it working for you? When you have the thought, I should go to bed, do you then go to bed? Like, oh, I should go to bed. Great. Let me just do that really quick. I’ll just leave whatever I’m doing right now and I’ll go transition to bed. Easy. Thanks for telling me that I should do that. No, you don’t. You’re like, I should go to bed. I should go to bed. I don’t want to go to bed, but I should go to bed. But I don’t want to go to bed. And then you just, like, torture yourself, and next thing you know, it’s 2:00am and you’re crawling into bed, right? When you tell yourself you should do something, it never works out in your favor. You don’t do it. I don’t. When I tell myself I should do something, I’m like, gross. Leave me alone. Don’t tell me what to do. You’re annoying, right? Okay, so, my friend, stop telling yourself you should do something. The next thing that I hear a lot is that you have to do stuff. Oh, I have so much I have to do. Ugh. I wish I didn’t have to cook dinner, but I do. I have to. I don’t want to take care of my kids, but I have to. I don’t want to go to work, but I have to. That is also something that does not work out in our favor. And the truth is, we don’t have to do anything. We are a grown adult that has complete autonomy and free freedom in this world. If I wanted to, I could leave my home in Pennsylvania and I could fly to Paris and I could, like, leave my family and be totally done with this life that I currently know. Nobody is holding me here at gunpoint. I can walk out the door at any time. I don’t have to be here. I don’t have to stay married to my husband. I don’t have to keep parenting my children. I don’t have to show up for work. I don’t have to do any of that. And I don’t think it serves us when we tell ourselves that we have to do something, because, again, it’s very much like the should. As soon as someone tells me that I have to do something, I rebel. Maybe I’m the only one. Am I the only one? Come on, you guys. I can’t be the only one. Whenever someone tells me that I have to do something, I rebel. I’m like, oh, I have to. Really? And I start throwing a temper tantrum on the inside. Now, I want you guys to really think through. When you tell yourself you have to do things, are you also kind of resenting that thing? Are you also kind of mad about it? Chances are the answer is yes. Okay, I really want you to think about it. You don’t have to pay any of your bills. You don’t have to. Unless someone is literally standing there with some sort of weapon overpowering you, you don’t have to do it. Right? There’s, like, tons of people that don’t pay bills. Now. Your car might get repossessed, but you don’t have to pay your bill. Right? Your home might go into foreclosure, but you don’t have to pay your mortgage. That it puts, like, such a different spin on it. Because what happens when we stop telling ourselves that we should and we stop telling ourselves that we have to is that there is now space to check in with our desire. Do I want to be married to my husband? Do I want to parent my children? Do I want to pay my bills? Do I want to pay my mortgage? Do I want to go to work? The answer to all of those questions is yes. For me, for me personally, the answer to all of those questions is yes, I have the freedom to not do them. And I think that that is what is so important here, is that a lot of you do not feel freedom. You don’t feel the freedom to not go to work. And so you’re like, ugh, I have to go to work. This is terrible. I’m so mad. I’m so annoyed. But if you and I were to really have a conversation and I was to say to you, oh, you don’t want to go to work? So then don’t go. You’d be like, but then I wouldn’t get a paycheck. And I’m like, yeah, I know. And we could have this Conversation about, like, oh, you actually. You want to go to work then, right? Like, yeah, I do want to go to work. Now, this might also lead you to, oh, if I don’t have to stay at this job, do I want to get a different job? And that is a very valid question and a very, like, valid thing to consider. But I want you to really understand the freedom that you have as a human adult alive in the year 2020 or 20, whatever. Whenever you’re listening to this podcast, you don’t have to do anything. I really think I’m going to get some hate mail from this. And that’s okay. I love you anyway. I’m not going to change my mind. Okay? I don’t have to go to church. I don’t have to volunteer. I don’t have to, like, drive my kids to school. My kids could easily walk to school. I don’t have to make them dinner. They could easily find dinner on their own, right? And if there’s nothing in the house to eat, they can call their grandmother. And if there’s truly, like, if I’m actually neglecting them, then child protective services will come and care for them. Like, I don’t have to do anything. And when I really put it like that, I cannot imagine not taking care of my children. I’m like, oh, my gosh, I want to, right? So, like, the baby’s crying in the middle of the night and I’m throwing a temper tantrum. I can’t believe I have to be up right now. I can’t believe I have to get this baby right now. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Right? I don’t have to wake up with the baby. I could put earplugs in, roll over and go to sleep, right? But, oh, I don’t want to leave my baby screaming and crying. I actually want to go and be with my baby and soothe him or her and take care of them, even though it means that I will be awake, right? So here’s kind of, like, practical applications of this. I think a lot of you. Let’s talk about, like, going to bed. A lot of you tell yourself that you should go to bed earlier. I should really go to bed earlier. I should go to bed early. I should. And. And you’ll look at the time, be like, I should go to bed. But then you don’t go to bed because, spoiler alert, none of us like being told what we should do, right? It’s not helpful. It’s not fun. We don’t like that. Instead, I want you to Build your desire. Do you want to go to bed? If you tell yourself, like, I hate going to bed, but I should go to bed, that is contrary. It’s conflicting. Your brain is like, I’m confused. I’m not going to do anything. Because if I hate doing the thing and I should do the thing, it makes no sense. How about, I want to. I want to go to bed. I love my bed. It’s so cozy. So one of the things that I’ve started to do, I don’t have a morning routine, I don’t have a nighttime routine. But one of the things that I’ve done intentionally at night is start feeling, fantasizing about my bed around 9 or 10, when I’m, like, unwinding, got the sweatpants on, got the bra off, like on the couch, totally hanging out, right? I’m like, my bed is the coziest, safest, softest place I’ve ever been. I love my bed. I can’t wait to get into my bed and be so cozy under the covers. It feels so, so good. And I literally think about how amazing it is going to feel to get snuggly and cozy. And it’s soft and it’s warm and it’s just like one of the best places in the whole world. I love my bed. I want you guys to think through how much more compelling that desire is, as opposed to, I should go to bed. Ugh, I hate going to bed. I should go to bed. No, I want to stay up. No, I should go to bed. I should go to bed, right? Like, that is not compelling. Same thing in the morning. I’ve talked to you guys about this, like, getting myself out of bed. I used to tell myself, oh, I should get up. I should get up early. I should, I should. I should. I do not tell myself that anymore. I used to have so much trauma about this, and I never do anymore. I’m just like, I lay there in bed and I fantasize about coffee. Like, I love Starbucks Sumatra coffee so much, especially now that I have a Keurig. And it tastes the same every morning. Because one of the things that was so annoying about, like, having a regular coffee pot for me personally was that I never remembered, like, the exact measurements that got it to the exact level that I loved. And so now I just press a button and it tastes the same every morning, right? And I’m just like, it’s so cozy. I go sit in my little corner of the couch with my soft blanket and I drink my coffee and I. I like, watch My kids wake up and they’re so cute in the morning and it’s like the best experience. I want to get out of my bed now. Do I have to wake up? No, I don’t have to. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. It is incredible. It’s so fun. I don’t have to. I don’t have to get up. I could lay in bed until 10am now that would mean I wouldn’t see my kids. I wouldn’t, you know, be on time for work. I wouldn’t have any space in my morning for thing other things that I wanted to do that would be like the flip side of that. But I don’t have to. I actually want to. I want to get up and get dressed and have my coffee and be with my family in the morning. I want to. Do you see the difference? This is everything. Adhders hate being told what to do. So stop telling yourself what to do. Start building a desire. Start building the desire. Like if you want to be someone who exercises, do the work of building the desire for fresh air, for heart pounding, for sweat, for the endorphins afterwards, for the cute workout clothes, for like the checking off the list of like I worked out for the muscles, for the weight loss or whatever, you know, for the rush. Like whatever it is. Build the desire. I want to. I want to be someone who works out. I want to be someone who goes to bed at 11 because I love how I feel in the morning, right? So the desire for like tomorrow I’m going to feel amazing or my bed feels so incredible when I like slip into it. I’m just like, I like seriously, that feeling of when you crawl into your bed and it’s peaceful and safe and cozy and warm and you just kind of like situate yourself and it just is like no other place on the planet, right? Like build your desire for that. Do not tell yourself you should do anything ever again. If I could like hop into your brain and control it, I would love to turn off the should capability. I would love to turn off the have to capability. Especially this time of year, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, holidays. All of the things that we tell ourselves we have to do. I have to go visit my parents. I have to go to, to this party. I have to volunteer at church. No, you don’t. You don’t have to do any of that crap. You don’t have to do any of it. No, your parents might get mad, sure, but you’re a grown adult. You can do what you want to do. You don’t have to volunteer at church. You don’t have to buy one Christmas present. You don’t have to. You can if you want to, but you certainly don’t have to. If you are a person who is free, who is not being controlled or physically harmed by someone else, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It is the privilege of being a human, an adult human in the year 2020 or whenever. You’re listening to this, so I want you to notice, begin to check in with yourself. How often are you telling yourself you should do something? How often are you telling yourself you have to do something? And how is it working out for you? Is it working? Is it leading you to a result that you like? Are you enjoying your experience of it? If not, I would highly encourage you, highly recommend that you start to consider what do I want? What do I want to do? And build your desire for what you want to do. I want to get up with my kids and so I’m going to build my desire for that. I’m going to build my desire for my coffee, for my snuggly blanket, for my warm bathrobe. Right? I want to finish my paper for school. So I’m going to build my desire for sitting at my desk and having a warm cup of tea. Tea. And being super efficient and like a cozy blanket and being in the zone and in that flow, I’m going to build my desire for that. I’m going to build my desire for hitting the button that says submit and feeling the accomplishment of being done. I’m going to build my desire for that. I don’t have to go to work, but I’m going to build my desire for. For getting there on time, for accomplishing the parameters and the goals that they set out for me. I’m going to build my desire for my paycheck and just like love getting my paycheck. I’m going to build my desire for being helpful and for adding value to my company. I’m going to build that desire because I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do. So what do you actually want to do, my friend? That’s the work. I’ll see you next week. Hey, Adhder. I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I. I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.
