This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it’s around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides we’re done for the day. We’re done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That’s when I reach for Cure Energy. It’s a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes. So I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid vi that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and acai berry flavors are my current go tos. Crisp, refreshing and they don’t taste fake, y’. All. They don’t taste fake. I’ll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly, I. I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. What’s wild is that Cure Energy is only 25 calories and has zero added sugar. It actually helps me stay hydrated while giving me energy. Okay, I love coffee, but coffee could never. Staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love CUR Cure. It’s clean, it tastes great and it actually works. And remember, Cure is FSA HSA approved, which is amazing. You can use that money to pay for cure and for I have ADHD listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com I have ADHD with the code I have ADHD. And if you do get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about CURE right here on the podcast. It really helps to support the show. Don’t just drink more, upgrade it with cure. Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? You are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am your host Kristen Carter and today I have on the podcast my client Rich. I’m so excited for you guys to hear from him. We have so many things that we could talk about because Rich, you’ve been in Focus tomorrow for an entire year. But today we are going to really constrain down to the topic of evaluating 2020. So one of my coaches said recently that the best predictor of success in 2021 is the story you are telling yourself about 2020. And I have been thinking about this so much because I think most of us would say that we are pretty entitled to tell a negative story about 2020. Globally, we’ve been experiencing so much fear and confusion and political unrest, and there’s so many people that have lost their lives and been sick and lost their jobs and had to alter their worlds in a way that was like, at the very least, pretty inconvenient. And so last week in our Focus membership, we did a 2020 evaluation. I really encourage the group to feel all of the feelings about 2020 and yes, of course, acknowledge and validate the pain and the struggle, but then really decide how they wanted to think about it on purpose. So on today’s podcast, we’re going to discuss how we can kind of rewrite our story of 2020 in a way that’s true and authentic, but also sets us up as the hero and allows us to step into 2021 with some badassery. So, Rich, you sent me a slack message of your 2020 eval, and I was so struck by the way that you processed your year that I forced you to come on the podcast. So thank you so much for being here. First, before we get started, tell us just a little bit about yourself. Who are you? What do you do? What’s your life like? My life is usually a little crazy. I have three kids, I’m married, I’m a designer and animator by day and then all sorts of whatever strikes my fancy by night, you know, ADHD and all. So, yeah, I mean, you know, pretty baseline, you know, middle class American existence. What does a designer and animator do? I’ve actually been curious about your work. So tell me for like a second, what do you do? Yeah, I mean, it’s basically graphic design that then you make move. And so it’s, it’s, you know, I do television commercials, I do video game trailers, I do web videos, I do all sorts of stuff. Yeah, I didn’t know that. That’s really cool. It’s good for ADHD because it’s a lot of variation. Everything’s different. I have to. Each project, I have to, like, learn different things about different industries or different companies so that I can do stuff for them. And so it’s a lot of var variety which Is nice. Yeah. Variety is so important. Yeah, I love that. Tell us a little bit about your experience of 2020 and give us kind of the unedited version, like, not the pretty version. Maybe the pre evaluation. Is there a pretty. I mean, at the end, I feel like you wrap it up in a very pretty package. But what would it be if you didn’t manage your mind around it? Like, what story would you tell about it, do you think? Well, I don’t really have to go far to tell the story because there are plenty of times in 2020 that I didn’t manage my mind very well. I mean, I think it’s. It’s. Obviously, I’ve learned a lot this year in focused and just about thought, work and managing your mind. And so I would say the end of the year was better than the beginning of the year. You know, just like, over time, you. It’s not like a steady progression. At least it wasn’t for me. It was kind of, you know, you. You manage your mind well for a while and you. And you are kicking ass and you’re doing well, and. And then you, like, fall off the horse and life happens, and for whatever reason, you can’t do all the things that you said you were going to do. And 2020, I think, provided ample opportunities for that to happen. I mean, it’s, you know, as somebody who I think relies on routine more than I want to admit and relies on just structure and those things, I think 2020 turned, like, just kind of flipped everything upside down. And so it provide, aside from, you know, a global pandemic and all the sadness associated with that or the, I don’t know, the somberness or whatever you want to call it, aside from just that part of it, there’s the normal life that everyone already would have been dealing with, and then being a. Having to be a teacher and home, you know, with homeschooling. And for me personally, I. I work from home. And so I’m used. I was used to having, you know, eight to 10 hours of, like, pure solitude every day, which I never thought about and never realized, like, how much I needed that and, like, utilized that. And so then, you know, my wife, she works at a company, and so now she’s working remote. And so that’s different for her, but. But she still is, like, kind of doing a lot of the same stuff, like, you know, meetings or whatever, whereas I’m like, all of a sudden, my office is right off of our kitchen, and so with kids screaming and fighting and all that stuff, while I’m trying to work is like, I have no, you know, it, it was just challenging on being productive, being everything, like across the board and, you know, that’s for everybody. And so you can look back on it and you can say it was a terrible year. And it was, you know, we, you know, for us specifically, you know, we had a lot of, like, unforeseen house repair costs in addition to business being down for me. And, you know, there are tons of reasons for 2020 to be terrible, you know, and think. I think it was at points, you know, and that’s. I think the, the big thing is realizing that that’s, you know, it’s all right. And there are also awesome things and being able to see both of them, you know, and. Yeah. Take away the appropriate things from both of them. What do you, what would you say were like, some of your primary emotions? Frustration? I would say it would be like a very across the board emotion for the year for a lot of reasons, but sadness. I mean, probably some anger, but then also, like, if I look at the positives, there’s a lot that I’m proud of. There’s a lot that I’m satisfied with. There’s a lot that I, you know, am able to take away that is, that makes me happy. You know, it’s. It’s. With all of the bad things that happened, I think that I’m able to at least look at 2020. And for me personally, I know that a lot of people, you know, dealt with a lot of worse things than I did. But for me personally, it was a pretty good year overall, you know, just enough positive to outweigh the negatives, I guess. You have been. I’ve really enjoyed watching you in focused because your participation really has ebbed and flowed. And I think that you are a really great example of just being persistent and, you know, kind of going dark for a couple weeks or a couple months and then coming back and being like, hey, what’s up? Like, I’m back, you know. And was that something that you had to work on? Like, were you tempted to kind of be like, ugh, like, it’s been, it’s been three weeks or it’s been three months, so I’m just not going to bother. Or when it made sense, you know, in your life to come back to more participation, was that easy for you? Like, did you have to manage your mind around that? I mean, I think yes to all of that. I think I. There were times where, especially early in the year, I’m somebody that A lot. When I like, decide like this is something I need to do, I’m usually like, like all in. Like I’m doing it, you know, I’m thinking about it when I’m not doing it and I’m, you know, all those things. And so I’m, I’m just somebody that gets kind of like hyper focused on. On things that I’m. That I’m interested in. But then, as, you know, as happens with us, I. Interest can wane. And it wasn’t any different with this, I think initially where I started. And initially it’s like doing the workbook every day, being at every call, being it, you know, because you’re gung ho and you’re like, this is what’s going to change my life or, you know, whatever thing. Yeah, this, this is the thing that, that will do it. And. But then life happens. I mean, it’s, it’s, you know, I think that you’re going to have. Everybody has times where, especially with three kids and owning a business and 20, 20, you’re going to have times that, that you just can’t do it. And I think that I have tended to have all or nothing, you know, black or white thinking where it’s either like, I’m doing this, I’m either doing an ironman or I’m not working out. Like, it’s, you know, it’s like it’s the. There’s no middle ground. And so I think that’s been the hardest. One of the hardest things for me just overall, of course, my life really is. Is not feeling like, well, I missed a week of this, I might as well just throw in the towel or, you know, those, that type of stuff. And so I think that I did probably do that a couple times throughout the year. But then I, you know, I think I said at one point that one of the things that focused has been consistently is just a reminder I have the slack open, you know. And so even when I’m not, when I’m really. When I’ve been really busy and not participating versus times that I am participating, the general setup’s not the same or not any different. I’m not, I’m still seeing everything. It’s just whether I’m engaging with it. But so it’s, it’s just a reminder, I think of constantly there, like, come on, dude. Like, even when you fall off the horse, it’s like it’s still there kind of like nagging at you. So you can’t. I couldn’t ever completely. I mean, that In a good way. But I could never completely, like. Like throwing the towel on it, I think, I guess, is what I mean, because it was. It was sitting there reminding me where it’s. A lot of times with things, it’s out of sight, out of mind. You know, it’s if. If I stop doing something for a week or whatever, it’s like my brain is like, okay, we’re not doing that anymore. And so unless it’s there in front of me, it’s. It’s easy, which is a pro and a con, I guess, to just move on from it and to. To the next thing. And so that was one of the good things for. For this or one of the things I learned, I guess, about myself is just to. To. To continue having that thing there even if I can’t do it. If it’s something that I know I want to do, to have it around me and it’s. It reminds me. It like, keeps it in my brain, you know, whereas I’ve never really done that before. I don’t know if that makes sense. That’s. It does make sense, and I love that, because looking at the things that you kind of shared as your wins from 2020, it seems like that was kind of a takeaway across the board where, like, you also just kind of continue to show up in your own life as well, like, with the hard things in your life. So can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah, I mean, I think it’s. I think that was a big takeaway this year for me, but to get right overall is just getting back on the horse. I mean, that’s. I guess that’s like kind of a mantra. I guess it’s not like, not an official mantra for it that. That I came up with or anything, but I just mean, like, as I’m thinking about it, like, that’s been a theme throughout, is just like, reminding myself to do it. Like there’s, you know, there’s been goals that I’ve wanted to. To work towards, and I didn’t, you know. You know, at the beginning of the year, you set these New Year’s resolutions where this year I’m gonna. Whatever, you know, and I didn’t hit that because it was completely outrageous and not, you know, would never have happened even under the best circumstances, but I made progress. And so I think that I’m. I’m able to see that in, you know, day to day. Sometimes it feels like I wasn’t making any progress, or sometimes it felt like I was regressing or, you know, because we all have good days and bad days. But when you, you know, at the end of the year, when you look back at, at a 12 month chunk of time, it’s easier to see, you know, I, I did do better on this or I did chip away at this or I did do, you know, and so it’s easier to see that the. Which I, I guess is a novel concept for me, but for, for all the neuro, you know, I’m sure my wife is like, yeah, that’s how it works. You know, it’s easy to see the progress it makes. It also more like it’s easier to get back on the horse each time. I think, like at first you’re. It’s like your default setting is, well, we’re not doing that anymore, you know, but it’s like anything else. It’s almost like a muscle where like each time you get back on the horse it’s like easier to get back on. And you know, it’s like when I’m not doing that, whatever the thing is that I want to be doing or that I’m working towards, instead of feeling like I’m not being productive, I’ve gotten better at being able to just take time to do other things and then come back to it, you know, which is, I think, a healthier way to do it. Especially for me. I mean, I’m. There’s no way, no matter how badly I want to do something, there’s no way I would ever be able to do it as much as my brain would probably want me to do it. So being able to like, just say that’s fine and, and like allow myself to do other things without worrying about this is like a big win, I think, because it keeps my brain, it allows me to be more focused and, and intentional on what I’m doing, playing with my kids. I’m not thinking about this other thing or whatever it is, you know, just across the board. It’s. It’s easier to just have a balanced life, I think, or, you know, which is the goal for me. Yeah. So you. It sounds like you’re talking about like accepting a minimum baseline from yourself. Like, accepting sounds like a negative when you say it. Like, no way, no way. It sounds like a huge positive. Yeah, you’re right. On the podcast, my wife was. I was joking with her and I said, I know it’s cool, but it almost kind of feels like really I had a very average year and that makes it so that I should be on a podcast. But then when you Actually, look at the reasoning. It makes more sense. But initially my brain was like, it doesn’t even make sense. Right, because what your brain wants to do is like, well, only we should only have people on the podcast who are, you know, setting huge goals and reaching them. Or we should only have people on the podcast who, you know, have. Have done something extraordinary. But what you have done, in my estimation, is extraordinary because I remember the first time that you finally raised your hand for coaching and I was able to coach my introverted friend Rich in the group. What you wanted coaching on was, like, when you were at work, you felt guilty for not being with your kids, and when you were with your kids, you felt guilty for not working. And you never felt like you were in the right place doing the right thing. And you just said, you know, two seconds ago that, like, you have been able to be more present and have been able to just, like, set the thing aside and then focus on the next thing. And that to me, like, our experience in the world matters. Like, not being agitated all the time matters. Not feeling like I’m doing the wrong thing. I probably should be doing something else right now that matters so much. So that, to me, is extraordinary. Well, and I think one of the biggest things for me is I do feel like my time spent with my kids is like, more quality time now because I am more focused and able to, you know, when I’m. My work has been very busy lately. So, you know, I guess I would say for the last few weeks, like, it has not been as much this the case, but that’s okay. That’s what we’re. We’re learning. Like, that happens. But I think that I’m better at putting my. Just leaving my phone on my desk and, like, that’s fine. Like, I don’t. I don’t need to have my phone with me all the time. Like, it’s, you know, like. Like just giving myself permission, I guess, to do that. And it. It was hard at first, and it still is sometimes, like, you still kind of feel that nag to, like, check the email or see if the, you know, check the slack and see if the person got the. Whatever you sent and did they like it. Do I have more work to do? Like that? You know, it’s. It’s like, certainly, like, that persists. But I do think that I’m better at, you know, for a couple hours sitting with my kids and playing or coloring or what, you know, whatever. And which is nice because it is. It is like, I’m not lashing out as much or I’m not, you know, I just feel like I’m like more pleasant to be around. And I hope at least I feel like it. But. And so, yeah, I think that’s been a big. It’s not a groundbreaking, you know, I didn’t make record amount of money or I didn’t, you know, write a novel or you know, any like some huge tangible like, goal. But I think for me personally, I feel like what I’ve, what I have done has been more life changing than that would have been. And if anything just puts me in a better position to do those things, like if I want to down the road, you know. Yes. Wow, that was so good. But it’s so cool because I think you’re, you’re absolutely right that like, sure, we can like set these big goals and accomplish them great. But if we’re not enjoying the little things, like the time with our kids, the time with our family, like if we’re not able to set work aside, then all of that agitation is just the word that comes to mind. And it’s something that I’ve struggled with my whole life. That feeling of, well, I’m hyperactive as well, so there’s that like mental, just like, I’m not doing enough, I’m not in the right spot. There should be something more. Like playing with my kids is a waste of time. Like those kinds of thoughts that I don’t, they don’t serve me. They don’t serve my end goal of like, part of the reason why I’m on this planet is to love my family and to be an awesome wife and mom. And if I’m constantly thinking, you know, like, this isn’t what I should be doing. I should be thinking about my clients or I should be thinking about my work or my money or like, whatever, it doesn’t. Then I don’t show up in a really important part of my life as the person that I want to be. And so, like, goals or not, you know, checking off those boxes doesn’t really change the experience that I have with the people that I love. And so I want to make sure that like, that is part of our work and that is part of our main like constrained goal is to be able to show up with the people that we love in the ways that we want to. You know, I think that there’s, it’s kind of a multifaceted thing because I think for me personally, part of, part of my agitation has been just feeling split. And you know, like you said, like, when I’m with my kids, I feel like I should be working. When I’m working, I should be with my kids. And. But I’ve also, I think, realized that a lot of things that I’ve felt like I needed to be doing were not as necessary as they felt all the time. And I. And that some of my agitation also came from frustration due to just things that I had control over that if I changed things, you know, in certain ways, that that would eliminate. I mean, you know, I still get frustrated a lot. That’s. I’m not saying that I don’t like it’s. But I think that it happens less than it did. And I think that I am able to, I think, see when I am being that way more now. Whereas before I feel like there were times where I would be kind of irrationally, like, irritable, you know, like, not about anything. Like not about a thing. Like there’s not something that was bothering me and, and like it was one of those where, you know, Anne would say, what is wrong? Like, nothing is wrong. Like, you know, like, because I don’t, I don’t feel like anything’s wrong. I feel like everything around me is wrong. Like, I feel fine. I feel like I don’t have anything that’s bothering me, but everything you guys are doing is. Is wrong and is, and is. Is bothering me. Because I don’t know why you all are acting this way when really, like, I’m the, I’m the, the common denominator. You know what I mean? I’m the one that is, is being kind of ridiculous. And so I think that I am better able to see that now. And, and to like, admit, like, why am I acting like this? And I, and, and either say like, I need to go take a minute or I need to go, like, just chill out and feel and figure out like, what is bothering me. And like, and like sorting it out or sometimes just the awareness that I’m doing it is enough to. To like, snap me out of it, you know, and to just like, why am I acting like this? And sometimes it’s just like I’m just tired or whatever, you know. But yeah. I don’t know. Limiting, limiting frustrations and like control. You can control kind of be more okay with the things that you can’t control are the, like, the biggest thing, I think for me for like agitation wise or irritableness. Yeah. It’s like accepting reality. Yeah. And also accepting that sometimes I’m going to be a little grumpy and that’s like, I’m allowed to be grumpy, and I’ve gotten better at being like, sorry, I’m grumpy, and just not, you know, just not making it a big thing of it. Like, it doesn’t have to be it a thing, you know? Totally. Totally. I love how you said that sometimes you take some time to sort out how you’re feeling. That is something that I’ve also incorporated this year, is when I’m feeling a strong emotion that I’m not able to, like, name and kind of, like, do the work in my head. I have been very conscious to, like, go to my bedroom and be like, I just need a minute. Like, I need to figure out what’s going on. Because sometimes the most agitated thing about the situation is I’m not really sure why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. Like, I feel like there’s something wrong. I don’t know what it is. Like, I need to go sort this out so I can have clarity. I think that that’s like. And then it’s like, oh, okay, I’m feeling. You know, I’m feeling frustrated because blah, blah, blah. Or I’m feeling angry because when I sort it out, it doesn’t take the feeling away, but it just gives me that clarity that I can be like, now I know what’s going on, and I can just process it as I go, rather than it used to be. And I’ve said this so many times, like, this storm cloud would kind of move in. I would just be like, I don’t really know what’s going on. And then I would just kind of lash out because it just felt so gross in my body, I would just want to get it out of me. So I think taking that moment to really process, and even as you’re thinking through your 2020, like, deciding and getting clear, like, what are the feelings that you’re having? What are the specific thoughts that you have about the year? And is that. Is that, like, first of all, are they true? You know, like, really thinking that through. Like, is this actual reality? Sometimes it is, right? Like, let’s say, like, you lost your job or, like, your business is down or whatever. Like, that is true. That did make life more difficult. And sorting out those emotions, I think it can be very painful but extremely clarifying. And then it kind of allows you to move forward in a way that. Where you’re not kind of bringing this storm cloud with you. And I think that’s the whole point here, is being able to process what’s going on process what happened in the last year and really choosing like what parts of it do I want to kind of really feel and give a hug and kind of like leave in 2020 or what parts of it do I want to bring with me into 2021? And that, that is a really kind of like meta question that I think asking ourselves and getting clarity on can really be a predictor of our results as we move forward. Well, and I think, I mean honestly everything emotions are basic are everything. I mean emotions are. Or getting control of emotions is really like everything that we’re trying to do and managing thoughts is the way that we’re trying to do it. But for me personally, I think that I’ve always been somebody that is probably hyper emotional, but I’ve learned that I don’t, I’m not good at knowing. I feel emotions very strongly, but I don’t always know what they are. I don’t always know. Like, I don’t, I, I don’t know. It sounds dumb to say that, but like, you know, like when you, when you showed us the emotion wheel, having that and being able to look at it and, and like when, like feeling something, like feeling an emotion and like kind of being, having like a ballpark of what it is. Yeah. You know, like I, I, I’m angry, but I, or, or I feel like mad or whatever. But then being able to go on there and pinpoint more accurately like what it is was like for me was really helpful because then it, it’s, it just makes it easier to I think, understand why you’re, you’re feeling that way. So all of that to say was basically like, it gave me language which half the battle for me being able to like say what is that? That is the issue. And so, so getting language around, like how to communicate what it, what’s bothering me or how to, or how to communicate what emotion I’m feeling. Clear picture of what 2020 was and making it so I could even choose what to hold on to, you know, because I think 2020, 2019, Richard would have probably not even known how to parse through it. I think that I wouldn’t have even known how to talk about it or think about it. I guess being conscious of how you think about it and also not giving in to. I think most of us want to sugarcoat things or most of us want to look at things and just take away positive things or just take away the good things. But I think that a lot of what I learned was really more in like in the negative things. And so that is. It makes it easier to leave with a positive outlook because I’m already feeling good about the positive things. But if I can look at the negative things and not make them positive, I know they’re negative, and I don’t want them to be positive, but be able to take from it something that turns into a positive, then I think that that has been, like, the most important thing for me is to. And some things just suck. I mean, and there isn’t a way to make it positive. And that’s. That’s okay, too. Like, it’s okay to look at something and just be like, yeah, it just. That just sucked. One of the things that you said in your eval was that you have been able to get to a more neutral place. And Is that what you are talking about right now? Like, with the negative stuff? So you said I’m able to find a more neutral vantage point in most areas of my life, even if sometimes it takes me a little bit to find my way there. Yeah. And I think that’s. That goes for positives and negatives, like, not making anything more than it is, I guess, like, having perspective, you know what I mean? Like, just having, you know, there were things that happened that sucked and being able to look at them for what they are and not make them mean more than they mean, but to look at it and say, yep, that thing sucked. Why did it suck? You know, feel mad that it sucked and then move on to the next thing, as opposed to just sitting and ruminating about how that thing sucked, or not being able to let go of the fact that that thing sucked or trying to figure out all the different ways that I was slighted because it sucked or not slighted, but, you know, the ways that it affected me or, you know, just those types of things. I don’t know. Yeah. And just. And being able to take some of this stuff out of my head, I think has been helping too. Like, I used to just do everything inside my head, you know, And I think being able to just. I don’t really write down the coaching model, to be honest. Like, I don’t ever really write that out. I do thought downloads. I do journal. I do journaling and that kind of stuff. And I think another thing is getting it out of my head to my wife, too. And not like I would. When things would happen. I would just keep everything in my head and spin out in my head about all the different things that it could mean or all the different, you know, but never communicate any of that. And then. And so then my wife doesn’t even know it’s an issue, you know, Whereas now I think I’ve gotten better at if something happens or if. Or if she says something or if something’s bothering me, being able to. Like, she’s very neurotypical, and she’s very total opposite of me and how she processes everything pretty much. And so there was a big barrier in, like, her understanding. She just couldn’t understand what my. Why my brain was processing things that way, and I, you know, vice versa. And so I think getting language on, like, my brain is. My brain is telling me that. Yeah. You know, making it neutral that way too, where it’s not like you’re being a whatever, but totally, you know, what I’m hearing. I recognize it may be flawed, but what my brain’s telling me is this. And a lot of times it’s. No, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was. And, you know, and so just being able to. To deal with that stuff too, I think has been helpful. Yeah, that’s huge. You said in your eval that you accept yourself more and you’re more forgiving and kind to yourself. Like, how. Tell me a little bit about that. What does that mean? Well, I think a lot of it has been awareness and learning, taking the time to think about who I am, I guess, which I never really did before. I just sort of. I don’t know. It’s kind of weird because I’ve always been into, like, self improvement. I’ve always, you know, I think a lot of us probably are because we. We recognize that there are things we struggle with, and so we’re looking for. For things or ways to. To be better at those things. And so if it, you know, a method or a system or whatever, you know, whatever. And so I think that one of the things that. That I was able to do is. Is get a better understanding of myself, get a better understanding of. Of what I’m good at and what I’m not good at and just looking at that neutrally as well and saying more. I think what I used to do is just, like, work ten times harder to. To do the things that I struggled with, like, almost out of, like, a need to just, like, prove that I could do it, you know? And so I think one of the biggest things I’ve learned is to, like, just, like, accept the way that I am and accept the things that I’m good at and accept the things that I’m not good at and then structure my life In a way that maximizes the things that I’m good at and then puts systems or help, you know, in place, whether that’s my wife or whether that’s a, an app or whatever, to take care of things that I struggle with. You know, there’s a difference between being accepting of something and being happy about something. And, you know, there’s just things that I’m not. I’m not someone who’s great at, at remembering anything really, you know. So, you know, I’ve just told my wife, like, look, it’s not nagging. Like, she used to be worried, like, oh, I’m nagging you to do everything. And so I basically just had to like, tell her it’s not nagging, like, I’m not good at that. Remind me as many times as you need to remind me, you know, and just like, basically giving her the permission took away a lot of the tension because, you know, she doesn’t want to feel like she has to remind me. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s nagging me, you know, and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s, you know, just being the wife that’s telling you, you know, whatever, like, shit, that’s just not her personality. She doesn’t want to do that. And so me just telling her, like, no, you’re helping me. It’s not a. It’s not bad. It’s good. Like I need the help to do those things, just those types of things, you know, or putting, putting structure in place, you know, for work related, where there’s an app on my computer that just blocks everything so I don’t have a choice. Like, I can’t get distracted on. It blocks my phone, it blocks my computer. Like, I can’t do anything. And so, like, I just turn that on. Like, you know, now the process of getting to the place where I turn it on is sometimes a challenge. Convincing myself, like, no, this is, this is a time when you should turn this on like that sometimes that still is a lot of times as a challenge, but it gets easier each time, you know, like everything else. Totally. I love it. Your closing sentence was so beautiful. You said, I have a long way to go, but I’m so happy with how far I’ve come and I can’t wait to take all of this with me going forward and take the next steps toward being authentic and living the life I choose, not the life that happens to me. What did you mean by living the life I choose and not the life that happens to me? Well, I think, I think that all of this has, focused, has taught me that I didn’t realize how much I was not an active participant in my life, I guess, and how I was just sort of going through the motions makes it seem like it’s bad. And I don’t mean it that it was bad. I just mean it. I just wasn’t consciously thinking about and deciding the things that I wanted to do or the things that I wanted to, to change or, you know, I don’t know, spend more time doing or spend less time doing. It was just sort of the routine that we had fallen into or the, you know, the work I’d fallen into or whatever. And, and I think that this getting a more, a bigger awareness of the things that are important to me and the, the who I am as a person and the, the things I want to spend my time doing has allowed me to sort of decide ways I, I want to shift things or ways I want to adjust things. And to be honest, most of it’s not like, major stuff. Like, I’m already, you know, I already have a good home life. I already, my job is something that I, I kind of fell into it, but it’s something I like and I have pursued more because I like it. And so it, it, it’s, you know, I don’t, I don’t have that much to complain about. It’s more just tweaking the types of things I want to do or the, the types of projects I want to take or how I want to divide my time or how I, you know, just those types of things that allow me to just. My life is more intentional in the sense that I, I, it’s more balanced and I’m able, you know, like we’ve said before, I, I, I am able to separate time better than I did before. I’m not, I’m not great at it. I still struggle with it all the time, but, but it’s better than it used to be. And it’s, and everything else, it gets easier each time, you know? Yeah, you said, like, you’re noticing the little wins stacked up over time. And that, that I think is one of those things, like, and it’s not perfect, but, I mean, this is something that I’m consciously working on in my own life as well. Just really enjoying my family time. I love my family. They’re the, they’re the best. Right? Like, they’re so awesome and loud and obnoxious too, but, like, they’re great, and I really want to enjoy that time with them. And sometimes I really do, and other times I just really don’t. But. And it’s okay. Like, instead, I used to feel guilty about the times that I didn’t, and now it’s, It’s. I’m able to just be like, you guys are all annoying me. I’m. I need to go do something else for a little bit. And, and it’s fine. Like, it’s not, it’s not a big deal. Like, it’s. You know, they’re allowed to do that. They’re allowed to annoy me. They. They live in this house. They’re allowed to act the way they’re acting and annoy me, and I’m allowed to not be happy about it and go somewhere else. Like, it’s, it doesn’t have to be more than that. It doesn’t have to be more than. Than what it is, you know? Totally. Now sometimes it takes me 15 minutes of being somewhere else to come to that conclusion. And in the moment, I’m yelling like a crazy person because everyone’s driving me nuts. But I’m also very good at admitting when I do something wrong and apologizing. Yeah. So good. Okay, so all of the Focus members who’ve been in for a year are going to be joining me in a mastermind. It’s going to be centered around an impossible goal. And so your cohort, the people who joined for January of 2020, which, like, holds such a special dear, dear, dear place in my heart, your cohort is the first to start this impossible goal Mastermind. We start next week. My question for you is, what do you think you might be capable of in 2021? Like, what is on your mind? Like, what are some ideas that you have for impossible? Like, I’m only gonna let you pick one. You can pick some other ones privately. Like, you can have as many as you want. But, like, I’m only, like, we’re gonna constrain down to one for our mastermind. But, like, what are some of your ideas for yourself? My biggest goal is honestly to continue trying to find a good balance between work and home and productive time and leisure time. I, you know, I think my biggest goal, if we’re, you know, from a, from, from that perspective, is just. It’s just continuing to structure my life in a way that is what I want it to be. But from, like a more tangible, you know, I’m going to set this goal to achieve this thing. Man, It’s, It’s. There’s so many things. One of the things I’ve really done this year is sort of rediscover a lot of things that I used to enjoy doing or that I used to like doing as I think a lot of people have. But. And so now it’s like thrown a lot of that into it. Do I want it to be a work goal, which is more like a functional thing that will bring money in or something like that? My tendency is to always think that way, which kind of makes me more inclined to put extra effort into something that’s not that just to, you know, forced me. And so, you know, I went to school for screenwriting and so I’ve been writing a lot again and so. And like that’s been fun. So like part of me wants to try and write a screenplay but then I. I’ve always played music and I’ve been playing music a lot more and so part of me wants to like, you should like write an album, you know, like, so I don’t know, a little work to do in the next few days to like. That’s so cool. We’ll sort it out. It’s so fun. And the cool thing about it is whatever you pick, it’s going to help you to transform into more of who you want to be. So there’s no wrong answer. I would love for you to let people know how they can reach out to you if they have a design animation project that they are just looking for an expert and maybe someone who is also an adhder and might be a good partner for them in that. How would people find you? The easiest way is probably just to go to my website. I do all my work under my. My company’s name is Magellan, which is M A G E L Y N. It’s named after. It’s half Maggie and half Evelyn for my kids. And so just it’s Magellan.com I think that has my email and all that jazz on it, all the stuff on there. Awesome. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being an og, one of the originals and for really being an example of just those little wins stacked over time. Persistently showing up for yourself and really like changing your own life as you look back in retrospect, it’s just been really a privilege to be a part of that. So thank you for allowing that for me. Hey, adhd er I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created Focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.
