Kristen Carder

I HAVE ADHD PODCAST - Episode #269

June 25, 2024

Stop Exploding! How to Master Emotional Regulation in Relationships

What if mastering your emotions could radically improve your relationships? 

Join me as we explore the powerful impact of emotional regulation on our personal and professional connections.

Living with ADHD often means dealing with intense feelings that can lead to explosive reactions, affecting how we relate to those around us. By becoming more self-aware and learning to self-soothe, we can reduce conflicts and develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

We’ll discuss how understanding our emotions can help us cut down on emotional outbursts and build stronger bonds.

Ever wondered why certain emotional patterns, like resisting or impulsively reacting, can harm our relationships? We’ll unpack the common pitfalls, from explosive reactions to emotional shutdowns that lead to inauthentic interactions. 

This episode introduces the RAIN tool, a widely used method in therapy and coaching, designed to help us pause and allow emotions to be present. Finding a balanced approach to feeling and expressing our emotions is crucial for healthier interactions, and this tool offers a practical way to achieve that balance.



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Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. I am regulated and I am ready to roll.

How are you so good to be with you today. Come on into the room and get cozy. Whether you are multitasking, maybe you’re driving or out for a run, or doing a chore around the house, I am so happy to be your body double today. Or maybe you’re sitting quietly, I can’t imagine that that’s the case. But maybe you are. Maybe you’re just like cozied up in a in a snuggly chair, or you’re in bed and you’re just relaxing. And like, Hey, I’m glad to be with you. So glad that you press play on this podcast. Today we are talking about how to improve your relationships. By improving your emotional regulation.

We’re on a relationships kick right now. Because I am teaching a relationships course in focus. And I’m prepping for it. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. This is my special interest. I love talking about relationships. I love teaching on relationships. And I love coaching ADHD ears to have better relationships. And so as I am prepping for this course, I’m getting ready with these podcast episodes as well. And it’s gonna be a good one today because I know, I know, I know, I know that every ADHD ear to at least some extent, struggles to regulate their emotions. And this is one of our deficient executive functions. I’ve talked about it many, many times on this podcast, but I’ve never talked about it specifically in relation to improving your relationships. Your emotional regulation absolutely impacts your relationships. Think about when you’re feeling something really intensely, and you don’t know what to do with that feeling.

And so you end up yelling at someone, you end up exploding on someone, you end up saying something that you don’t mean that you wish you could take back, you end up hurting the people in your life and really wishing that you hadn’t. And if you had just been able to regulate your emotions during that time, it probably wouldn’t have come out so intensely, it probably wouldn’t have been such an explosion. It probably wouldn’t feel like such a roller coaster. But because we struggle with emotional regulation, which is the ability to identify and self soothe our emotions. Because we struggle with that, we can often be kind of volatile in our relationships, whether that is our most intimate relationships like with our, our spouses, or our kids or our best friends, but also like at work when you get super pissed at a coworker for being an idiot. And you can’t stop yourself from saying something that’s going to put your job at risk, like hello Anyone, anyone at all. So I want to kind of sell you on this idea of exploring emotional regulation as it pertains to your relationships because it is one of the number one ways that you can improve your relationships is being self aware, and being willing to self soothe your emotions, and not kind of delegate that responsibility to the people around you. Now, as you’re listening to this podcast, it is hitting it slaps as my kids say, or if you are really resonating with it, I want to invite you to come join my coaching program focused in the month of July we’re going to be studying relationships and how to improve them. And if these last relationship podcasts have been resonant to you, that likely means that your relationships could use some improving and listen, this is the place to do it in focus surrounded by a community of ADHD peers who understand you who do not judge you for the way that your brain works or expect you to show up as a neurotypical we are going to link arms and take this journey together. So go to to learn more and I would love to see you in focused in July to study how to improve your relationships even when you have ADHD.

Because it is possible. I promise you that it’s not going to be immediate. It’s not a quick fix, but it is absolutely possible to improve every single one of the relationships in your life. And for you to feel like a more grounded adult who’s not missing the memo. Like, raise your hand if you feel like you’ve just missed the memo, on relationships, like everyone else has the rulebook, but you don’t. And that’s what this course is all about is like, giving you the rulebook, helping you to not miss any memos, and helping you to improve your relationships. First, starting with the relationship that you have with yourself, so you’re not so much of an a hole to yourself. So like, there’s that, but then also improving the relationships with the people around you. Again, good, I have to learn more about that. Today, we’re going to chat about improving your emotional regulation and how much that can improve your relationships. Now, all of us take action from our emotions. I don’t know if you know that. But it’s well known in psychology that emotions, fuel actions. And so if you find yourself exploding in the people that you love, fighting with people, when you’re just like, probably shouldn’t be fighting right now, writing nasty emails or fighting with your kids or being just a little bit spicy. Like, are you just a little spicier than you wish you were? And is that making your relationships difficult, then we need to work on improving your emotional regulation, what we want is to cut down on explosions cut down on fights cut down on the hurt that we’re causing for ourselves and for other people.

And the way that we do this is to learn how to regulate now, there’s a huge conversation to be had around emotional regulation. But today, what we’re going to talk about is emotional regulation in the context of relationships with other people. And so there’s two things that ADHD ears often do with their emotions, when it comes to other people. There’s two things that we do we, we react to our emotions really strongly. That’s number one, tell me if this resonates, you’re experiencing something really intense in your body, and you’re not sure what to do with it. And before you even have a chance to think you’re finding yourself yelling, you’re finding yourself shaming someone else, you’re finding yourself writing a nasty Facebook post or writing an email or speaking to the manager or whatever the case may be like, all of the sudden, your body or your mouth is in motion, kind of without your consent, like you haven’t, this is not a thought through decision that you have made. This is like your body, your mouth is moving, and you almost don’t have control over it. That is you reacting to a big emotion in your body. That is you feeling something really deeply. And instead of self soothing, you’re dispelling it on to someone else, you’re wanting to get it out of your body, it feels so uncomfortable. And you’re like, get this thing out of me. And so we’re dispelling it on to other people. And listen, I did this for years, I did not know that emotional regulation was tied to ADHD, I did not know that this was a skill that was underdeveloped for me that I needed to learn and improve as an adult, I didn’t know.

And so if you’re just learning this for the first time, I just want to be here for you. If you feel any shame, or like any type of way about it, I get it. I also did learn this for the first time like 10 ish years ago. And I was like, Excuse me, Why didn’t anyone tell me this information? Like, I thought that the way that I was feeling and reacting was just like normal, just typical. And I’m not trying to invalidate the way that we feel. But sometimes our reactions don’t match the reality. Sometimes our reactions are much bigger than what the situation calls for. Because what we’re feeling is so intense, and we haven’t learned how to deal with it. We haven’t learned how to identify it and self soothe. So reacting to emotions is one of the main ways that adults with ADHD can cause harm in their relationships is I feel something big and I don’t like it. I need to get it out of me. I need I need it to go somewhere. And so I’m going to throw it onto you, husband, I’m going to throw it onto you child. I’m going to throw it on to you, Facebook or whatever. Okay. And so one of the things that we do when we haven’t learned to hold on Our own emotions is we throw them on to other people, because they’re so uncomfortable for us, we just got to get them out.

I want you to think through how difficult this can make a relationship, I want you to think through how intense our relationship with a dysregulated ADHD are, can be. And so one of the best ways that we can improve our relationships is to improve our emotional regulation skills. The second thing that ADHD errs do with our emotions, when we really haven’t learned to regulate them is we resist them. Now, this is so common. And I think there’s a really good reason why we do this. So let’s just put a pin in that for a second and talk about why. Why do we resist our emotions? Well, I’m curious, did you grow up in a family that celebrated emotions? Because I didn’t? Did you grew up in a family that taught you that emotions were normal?

And that you should be able to feel? Because I didn’t? Did you grow up in a family that really created space for your emotions? Because I didn’t? Or did you grow up in a family that was more like, stop being dramatic, stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about. Stop being making such a big deal out of this. I don’t know what your problem is. Because like, if you grew up in a in a family like that, and that just did not help you to have emotional literacy, you probably spend a lot of time resisting your emotions. What that means is you’re trying really, really hard not to feel Can I get an amen? Like anyone trying really, really hard not to feel now, this doesn’t work. But it is something that we do, especially when we’re unaware that emotional regulation is a thing. So when we resist our emotions, what it means is we’re pushing them down, or trying to like push them away, it kind of like trying to hold a beach ball under the water. And I want you to visualize this. It’s summer, at least in my neck of the woods, it’s the summertime, I want you to picture if you can picture a pool, and then picture yourself holding like a large inflated beach ball. Now, have you ever tried to keep or push a beach ball under the water and fully submerge it? It’s like nearly impossible. And what’s hilarious about this is it looks so awkward. And so I want you to picture yourself, like hopping on top of it and trying to push it down and like rolling off of it. This is kind of what it’s like when we are trying to not feel our emotions.

We’re trying to resist them. We’re trying to exist as humans in the world who don’t have emotions. It does not work. It doesn’t work. Because you are a person, just FYI, you’re a person and you’re supposed to feel you are supposed to feel all day every day. And so when you are brought up in a family that says you’re not allowed to feel there’s no space for your emotions, your emotions don’t matter. What you learn is that you’ve got to like shut off your emotions. And so we try to resist them and we try not to feel them. Now I want you to picture you like you finally get that beach ball down under the water, you finally do it, you fully submerge it. And then what happens? It pops up, it pops up so high, it goes shooting out of the water, probably shooting out of the pool, it hits somebody in the face, it’s hysterical. But the problem is that our emotions do the same thing. Okay, our emotions do the same thing. So we’re trying to keep our emotions down, but they eventually explode. They eventually come out and usually about something that doesn’t even pertain to the original situation. So maybe you’re upset about a dinner party that you were invited to that blah, blah, blah, I don’t know, you felt some sort of way about maybe you felt rejected. And you’ve been trying to not feel that and just push it down. It doesn’t matter. You’re being dramatic, stop feeling that. And then all of a sudden, three days later, you’re screaming at your child because they want to go to the pool with their friends instead of to target with you.

And you’re like why do I even care about this? I don’t know why even care. Hello is because you never actually experienced the feeling that you had from the dinner party. And so now it’s coming out and it’s exploding onto your child’s Oh, man. It just makes me so sad because I know we do this. I know that you’re probably hearing it and you’re like crap, I totally do that. I can think of times that I’ve done it and I know it impacts our relationships. I know that it makes it really really hard to just function as a grounded steady person and In relationships, and so the way to mitigate this, my love, is to start allowing your emotions to be in your body. This is super hard. It’s super hard. And we’re not there yet. We’ll get there, we’re gonna get there, don’t worry, I’m gonna give you some very clear steps on how to allow your emotions. But first, I want to check in with you, do you notice yourself resisting your emotions? And then they kind of explode out of you accidentally at some, like, seemingly unrelated time? And or do you notice yourself reacting to your emotions, like you feel something big in your body? It’s so uncomfortable. You need to get it out immediately and impulsively, you’re yelling or screaming or punching something or writing a nasty email or doing something really reactive to dispel that emotion and to get it out of you. I’m just giving you a second to think it through.

I want you to check in like how does that impact your relationships? How does it impact your spouse? How does it impact your kids? How does it impact the people that you work with? This is really tough because this podcast specifically about emotional regulation, this is all stuff we need to work on. And I know a couple weeks ago, I kept saying like, hey, it takes two to tango. It’s not just a one sided thing, which is true. But no one can regulate our emotions for us. And when we dispel them onto other people, we are causing harm, we are causing a difficulty in the relationship. And so take a minute if this is something that you’re struggling with, and allow yourself to like feel that big feeling of like, Darn, this is something I really need to work on. And that’s valid.

And this is a very safe place for you to do it. There’s absolutely no judgement, I promise you nothing that you have done will shock me nothing. You can’t say anything that will shock me, I’ve heard it all I’ve done it all I’ve said it all, like nothing that you have done is going to shock me. And so I don’t want you to feel judged at all. But I do want you to to begin to develop a sense of responsibility of like, I think I need to take care of this, I think I need to start to learn this skill, so that I am not causing harm in my relationships. Okay, so let’s move into talking about how in the world do we begin to learn the skill of emotional regulation, so that we can be more grounded in our relationships. Remember, you’re making decisions from your emotions. So if your emotions are really intense, and you’re not really sure how to feel them, process them, identify them, like maybe you don’t even know what you’re feeling, you’re just feeling something really, really big, it is likely that you will be someone that like explodes on people, or fights with people or hurts people, unknowingly, or without meaning to because of what’s going on in your body. On the flip side of that, I just also want to acknowledge that it might also cause you to shut down. So if you are not the type of person that finds yourself exploding on people or fighting with people or hurting people, first of all, great. But I wonder if you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum as someone who is shutting down as someone who is not telling the truth and people pleasing and fawning, and just being quiet and kind of wasting away on the inside, because you’re not able to show up authentically in your relationships, and you don’t want to explode on people. So you just don’t say anything at all. And then you find yourself kind of just being a shell of a person, and not really authentic and just showing up in your relationships as like a yes person, even though that’s not really true for you internally. So when we don’t know how to process our emotions, that could also be the experience where we’re just trying to shut them down. And we’re trying to hold ourselves back from causing any harm. But then in turn, we’re not showing up as a real human, we’re not really interacting with people. And we just are kind of I don’t know, a zombie is like not the right word. But we’re just kind of like not fully present not all there in our relationships because we are feeling things so intensely.

And maybe we feel ashamed about that. Maybe we feel like there’s no space for it. And so we just shut down. And that’s the other end of the spectrum, or the pendulum swing the other way. We’re not exploding and causing fights but we are just shutting down and not really being present. And that’s not great either. There needs to be some happy medium of us being able to feel our emotions and express ourselves authentically. and accurately in our relationships, and somewhere, somehow, just being able to show up as an adult in relationships, it’s so important. So let’s talk about how in the world do we regulate our emotions. Now regulating your emotions involves a couple of skills, you need to identify that you’re having an emotion, you need to have the ability to pause, and you need to allow that emotion to be present in your body. And those three things can be really, really difficult it requires you getting out of your head and into your body, it’s, it’s probably a brand new skill for those of you who are new in this space. So if you have no idea what I’m talking about, it is no problem at all. I’m going to share a tool with you today, that is actually a new tool that I’m sharing on the podcast, but it’s one that is widely used in therapy spaces and in coaching spaces. And it’s called the rain tool. And what’s awesome about this, I’ve, I’ve taught you the search tool previously, but I love rain as well.

And I wanted to offer it to you as an additional way to regulate your emotions. So it’s our A I N, N, two ends at the end there. And so I’m going to take you through it, the first thing is to just for our recognize, you’re going to recognize that you’re feeling something. There’s something happening in my body right now, when I was first learning about emotional regulation, and how to regulate my own emotions, I would literally have to pause in the middle of a conversation. I remember one specific time that I did this with Greg and I said, I am feeling something, I’m not sure what’s happening. I don’t want to say anything that I regret. I just need five minutes to go be alone and kind of work through what I’m feeling. And I’m going to come right back. I want to have this conversation. I like I’m going to be right back. I’m not trying to avoid. But I need to go regulate and figure out what’s happening on the inside of my body, so that I can have a good conversation with you. So the first thing to do is to recognize that you’re feeling something alert, something is going on in my body, take a minute and acknowledge that you’re feeling something. The next thing is to allow it to be in your body. So you want to get comfortable. And you might want to close your eyes and take a deep breath. And just allow yourself to sink into your body and do an internal scan. All right, what’s going on here? Where’s this emotion, what’s happening? What’s coming up for me, allow it to be in your body. If you can allow it to be in your body, you’re not going to throw it on to someone else. Hear me say it again, if you can allow the emotion to be in your body, if you can make space for it. If you can say, hey, you’re safe to be here, I will feel I will feel you hear you’re okay to be here with me, then you won’t throw it onto someone else, then it’s not going to fuel your actions and cause harm to someone else. Okay, so you want to just kind of tell yourself like, Hey, you’re experiencing an emotion, it’s okay. And at this point, you might not even know what you’re feeling.

And that’s totally fine. You’re just making space for it. As I’m talking you through this, I’m realizing that it would probably be helpful for me to include a script for you at the end. So what I’m going to do is I’m going to just talk through it, theoretically. And then at the end of this podcast, I’m going to actually walk you through a rain practice, so that you can have me as a guide, leading you through this practice of regulating your emotions, okay, so we’ll talk about it in theory, and then I will lead you through a practice after that. So after you’ve allowed the emotion, you want to spend some time investigating this is the eye. So with a lot of compassion, you’re gonna get curious, like, what’s this emotion? Why is it here? Why does it make sense that I’m feeling this like what’s going on?

For me, this is going to be most likely a brand new experience for you if you did not grow up in a family that validated and made space for your emotions. So you might actually have this kind of knee jerk reaction to be like you’re being stupid. It’s not that big of a deal. You don’t need to feel this way. But if you can actually listen to yourself, hey, this makes sense that you’re feeling this it’s no problem. I’m Really glad that this emotion is here. It’s allowed to be here with me and my body, you’re you’re allowed to be here. If you can validate and make space for that there’s going to be so much relief, Abramov zeal, and promise there’s going to be so much relief. Okay, the first n is non identification, which is just a fancy way of saying, remind yourself that you are not this emotion that it is, it is something that you’re experiencing, but it is not you, you are not overwhelmed by it. It’s just happening. And you’re experiencing it, but you are not the emotion itself. And then the last n is just spend some time being really nice to yourself. The N stands for nurture. So this is just, it’s just like a whole nother thing. This is why you need to join my course, like a podcast episode is not going to do it. But at least it’s a taste, it’s at least something we have been so under nurtured in our families and society, that what we really need at the end here, as we’re kind of wrapping up this practice. And reestablishing safety is just a lot of nurture, you did a good job. Proud of you. Really, really good job. I know, it’s hard to feel emotions, and I’m so glad that you spent this time.

Okay, so did I lose you, I feel like this is like a little woowoo. And you might be like, I don’t this is stupid person. I don’t want to do it. But I have to tell you that this one skill has changed my life. This one skill has it allowed me to improve my relationships, to make a whole heck of a lot more money to stay in one career path that I absolutely adore. The skill of emotional regulation has allowed me to accomplish my goals and get the things done that I want to get done. So you might label it as a fluffy skill. I promise you it’s not, I promise you. And I like I want you to put me to the test. I want you to try it. And I want you to tell me it don’t work. Like go ahead, like try to practice regulating your emotions, and then come back to me and tell me if it doesn’t change your life.

Because I think it’s gonna, I’ve seen it work for 1000s of people with ADHD. And I think it’ll work for you too. I really, really do. Okay, so the whole point here is that we want to have grounded relationships where we are able to show up authentically, without causing a lot of harm. We want to show up and tell the truth, but not tell the truth. And in the way that is yelling, screaming, exploding, harmful, scary. We also don’t want to be shut down and totally like, detached from the relationship because there’s just so much emotion happening in our body. And we don’t know what to do with it that we’ve just had to run away and hide. So we’re trying to find this happy medium, where we can be connected in our relationships, and we’re telling the truth, but we’re also mitigating explosions. It’s not a roller coaster. And we’re also not shutting down and detaching and hiding. All right, doesn’t that mean zone great. And that sounds great. So having the ability to not react to our emotions, and to not be forced to stuff them down and then have them explode up like a beach ball, but just be able to recognize something is happening.

Allow it to be in our body, investigate it with kindness, not identify with it, and then nurture ourselves back to just like a place of balance and equilibrium. Even though that emotion is valid, and maybe we do need to say hey, you hurt me, this is not okay. But we can say it without screaming. We can say it without throwing something we can say it without giving our beloved person the silent treatment for three days.

Right? Okay, let’s do that. Okay, so I want to end here with just walking you through a rain practice so that you can have my voice you can come back to it anytime you save this podcast, have my voice walking you through an emotional regulation practice. This is just going to take a couple minutes and we’re just going to slowly and steadily make some space for you to feel whatever it is that’s coming up for you. All right, so my friend get comfy and just notice the sounds that are around you right now. What I’m hearing are some birds chirping in the background. Maybe you’re a fan going Here’s some cars, I’m curious what you hear. Just acknowledge how safe you are in your space. No one is coming to harm you, you are safe. So we’re gonna just take a minute to recognize that you’re feeling something, something’s coming up for you. And it’s big. All right, that’s no problem. Now we’re going to allow it to be with you in your body. If you know what emotion you’re feeling, you can name it already, that’s great. You can just say, this is shame. This is frustration. Just speak to it. But if you don’t know what you’re feeling yet, that’s no biggie. But I want to invite you to sink into your body and do an internal body scan.

Notice the emotion, notice where it is.Maybe it’s in your throat, chest, your belly, your back, wherever it is, just go to it and put your attention on it. Take a deep breath. And internally tell yourself it’s okay to feel this tear for a reason. This is a normal experience. Maybe as you’re putting your attention on it, it’s getting a little more intense. I want to let you know that this is not going to last forever. But if you can turn the volume up on it, it’s really going to help you to process it. So notice how it feels. It might burn or feel tight might move around, it’s normal. However you’re feeling this emotion is normal.

It’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be felt. It may be uncomfortable, but I invite you to welcome this emotion because it’s here for a reason. So just breathe into it like hey, you can be here. You’re here for a reason. Now with another breath, expand the space around the emotion. And a focus on where it is in your body and take a breath and feel your body get bigger and bigger and make space to hold that emotion. You are so expansive you have plenty of room in yourself for this emotion. And as your body gets bigger, notice that the emotion might be getting a little smaller, notice that it might be getting a little more distant or the volume might be turned down on it a little bit. Notice how when you create more space for the emotion, the intensity seems to diminish a little bit. Taken out another breath, your arms and your lap and your legs.

They’re all expanding and creating more and more space. Now with a few deep breaths, let’s direct that emotion down into your belly into your lap down your strong, long legs out through your toes. And you can repeat that a couple times. You can even kind of blow air downward and think about that emotion just going down through your belly through your legs through your shins or your feet through your toes. And you’re just kind of like sending it on its way. Now you can bring your attention back to your room. To the sound of your breath to the feeling of your feet on the floor. Just notice again how safe you are. How brave you are. You did such a hard thing.

Such a hard thing. So now is the time where you want to get curious. You want to investigate a little bit why is that emotion here? What What’s it here to tell you? Your emotion is valid. You’re not being stupid. You’re not being dramatic? You’re not being too much. This is extremely valid. Why is it here? Has there been an offence? Is there something that you need to talk to someone about? This is all very valid. But remember, just because you’re feeling the emotion doesn’t mean the emotion is overtaking you or that you are consumed by it. I want you to picture the sky. Or even just look out the sky, like look out your window, or go outside and see the sky, the sky is always blue. Even when weather moves through the sky, we just always know that behind the clouds behind the storm, the sky is blue, you are the sky.

Even though weather moves through, it does not mean that it’s going to stay that way forever. We know that a storm can come in. And it’s going to be stormy and scary for a little while, but then it always clears up, always. And so even when you are experiencing this really intense emotion, just know that you can always get back to baseline to the blue sky. Allow yourself to experience the emotion. But don’t worry that it’s going to consume you The sky is not scared of the rain. The sky is not afraid that the storm is going to stay forever. The sky just knows that like weather is a part of life. This is just a part of being human. So yeah, it’s going to move through. But it’s not going to be here for ever. You did a really good job. I know that this is hard. I know that this is it can be awkward. It can be weird. I know that one little podcast episode is not going to, you know change absolutely everything.

But I hope that I’ve given you enough of a tool to be able to begin to have this practice of regulating your emotions. Because if you can regulate your emotions, you can improve your relationships. I want you to test me on this. I want you to see if this is true. Can you regulate your emotions? Can you give yourself a moment to breathe and to feel so that we’re not yelling, screaming, hitting, punching, whatever the case may be writing nasty emails, or saying things that we later regret? Can you begin the practice of emotional regulation so that you can improve your relationships and listen, if you resonated with this, you need to come join me and focused go to I have And let me take you even deeper. I can’t wait to talk to you next week. Bye bye. Hey, ADHD, or I see you I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understand the way that your brain works.

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