Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up, this is Christine Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD Podcast. I’m medicated, I am caffeinated. I am regulated.

And I’m ready to roll. I’m so glad to be with you. Today on this hot and humid day, it is a balmy 95 degrees in Pennsylvania, and I am here for it. I was made for this weather. I love feeling like I’m living in an oven. It’s the best. The best feeling. Yeah, welcome to the pod, we’re gonna have a chat today about trauma. And I am nervous because this is a lot. And I’ve been putting off having a conversation about trauma and complex trauma, because it just feels like a very heavy responsibility. And while I know that I am equipped to have this conversation, I still understand the brevity of my position and and the weight that it carries. as being someone that you tune into for information about ADHD and mental health. And I, I just don’t take it lightly. This conversation is really difficult. It’s very tender for me personally. And it’s something that has completely changed and shaped my worldview in the last couple of years, I have always identified as someone who does not have any trauma. So we’re gonna start there. I’ve always identified as someone who doesn’t have trauma, and I have always up until the last couple years thought my gosh, I grew up in such a healthy family, I’m so lucky. And to have that shattered, that illusion shattered, was one of the most difficult experiences of my entire life. And I don’t take that lightly.

Being the bearer of this information. It feels really heavy and and really somber even, but I’m here today to talk about all things trauma. And by no means is this a comprehensive, you know, lecture on the topic of trauma, traumatic events, complex, PTSD, etc. This is the beginning of a conversation that I hope we get to have for the next couple weeks, months and years. Not that every episode is going to be about trauma, don’t you worry. But what I’ve noticed is I’ve alluded to things on this podcast without actually giving clear definitions without actually explaining my experience without actually talking about the ways in which I’ve actually trained as a trauma informed coach. And I use trauma informed practices. In my own coaching, those things I just haven’t really brought to the surface here on this public podcast because it has felt really exposing and tender. But here I am, y’all. Here I am to talk about it today.

So we’re just gonna have a conversation around what is trauma. And I’m going to ask you to reflect on your own life as to whether or not you might identify yourself, as someone who has experienced trauma. Again, I will go on record saying that up until the last couple years, I always thought to myself, gosh, I am so glad that I don’t have any trauma. And that is hilarious. In, in, in the most sad way possible. It’s hilarious, because I’m actually a very highly traumatized person who has worked through a lot of stuff in the last several years. And to make that transition from someone who identifies as I don’t have any trauma to someone who realizes that the truth of her story is that she is highly traumatized is an interesting transition to make and we’re just going to have a chat about it.

Within this podcast, I’m going to talk about the definitions of trauma. I’m going to explain the way that I understand trauma, I’m going to give you some resources, we’re going to have a chat about complex PTSD and how it relates to ADHD. And we’re just going to kind of get into it. But again, I want to remind you, this is just the beginning of a conversation. Okay, I don’t want this to be a lecture. And it was so One of the reasons why I’ve put this off for so long is because I wanted to cover everything in one episode. And I really had to just let myself off the hook for that I can’t cover everything in one episode. This is way too complex and deep of a conversation. So I the way that I got myself to record today, the way that I was able to just like stand in front of you and be right here, be in your ears today is that I took the pressure off, to be able to cover everything.

And I just said to myself, Kristen, what if we just started the conversation today, and let it be a springboard or a catalyst for deeper combos, you know, in the future. And so that’s where we’re starting.

If you’ve listened to this podcast for any length of time, you’ve definitely heard me talk about the fact that I don’t have a morning routine. I have what’s called a please don’t die list. Kristen, could you please not die. And on that list are things like eating, taking my medication, making sure I’m clothed, you know, the very, very basics. morning routines are so hard for adults with ADHD and I have just thrown in the towel and dropped all of the drama around it. But I want to tell you something fascinating. I have been able to be so consistent with the routine of drinking ag one every day, I kid you not I drink it every day, I wake up, I come down the stairs and the first thing I do is get my little shaker out, fill it with water, add a scoop of ag one and I’m telling you that it makes me feel so ready to take on the day like I’m doing something so good for my body and my body is like oh actual nutrition. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. Speaking of that nutrition ag one is a foundational nutrition supplement that delivers daily nutrients and gut health support. Now this is so important because we’ve talked about this before diet and nutrition are very difficult for those of us with ADHD we are prone to lean toward the sweets, we want the chips, we want the dopamine. But if we can make sure that we’re doing something good for our bodies every day, it will make a difference. What’s so cool about ag one is that it’s backed by multiple research studies. That is not nothing. You can really trust what you’re putting in your body when you take ag one because unlike so many other products, their entire formula is backed by research, not just the ingredients, but the whole formula. over 14 years ag one has been focused on innovation with a trusted nutrient dense blend. That’s the perfect complement to any diet. Whether your diet is healthy, or you struggle with nutrition. Ag one is the perfect complement no matter what. Now, you know, I’m a Research girly that is so much of what I do for this podcast. So I do care about the details. And with AGone I can trust their research and how they’re validating the product working in the body. If you’ve heard me talk about ag one before, you may have heard me say that I’ve actually noticed that I need less coffee in the morning, which is wild because coffee is literally the reason I get out of bed in the morning. What’s cool is that their research backs this, after 60 days of taking 81 91% of people in a research study, notice that they need less coffee as well. So I’m not the only one. Listen, if there’s one product I trust to support my whole body health, it’s ag one. And that’s why I partner with them and them alone for so long. It’s easy. If it wasn’t easy, I wouldn’t do it. I promise you that. And it’s satisfying to start your day with ag one knowing that at least you’ve got the foundation of a little bit of nutrition right there. So you can try ag one and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3 k two and five free ag one travel packs, which are going to be amazing for summer travel. By the way, you can get all of that with your first purchase at drinkagone.com/ihaveADHD. That’s drinkagone.com/ihaveADHD. Go check it out.

Now I’m going to say the phrase, quote, up until a couple years ago, over and over, and what I mean by that is in 2021, the very, very beginning of 2021. I started intensive work in therapy. And it wasn’t until then, in 2021 at the age of almost 40 that I began to understand how traumatic my story was. So when I say up until a couple years ago, it means until age 40 So That’s four decades that I lived believing one thing about my life. And then I experienced the phenomenon of sitting across from someone who listen to my story with shock, and horror, and validation. And she helps me to name trauma, she helps me to name my losses, she helps me to name things that were going on in my life, that I was never allowed to name that I never would have thought to name that I tried to name maybe as a child, but was shut down. And so when I say the phrase up until a couple years ago, that means like, you know, until I started therapy at age 40.

So, up until a couple years ago, I thought the definition of trauma was a singular event that happened to you that was horrific, catastrophic, life altering. So in that category, I would have put things like, you know, the untimely death of a loved one, or a horrible car accident, or some sort of sexual assault, like something like that, that would fall into the category of trauma. And I always thanked my lucky stars that nothing like that had ever happened to me.

What I didn’t know is that sure those events are traumatic, but the definition of trauma is so much more than just a singular event that happens to you. trauma or experiences that are negative, distressing, emotionally intense, and can undermine a person’s ability to cope with everyday life. They don’t have to be huge. Any experiences that are negative, distressing, emotionally intense, and can undermine your ability to cope with everyday life, that could be bullying at school, that could be being called out by a teacher for going too slow, traumatic experiences leave you feeling helpless and trapped, vulnerable, powerless, terrorized, isolated, and lonely. Any experience in your life can be traumatic, it doesn’t have to be a significant, horrific, tragic event that happens, it can actually be something pretty small.

When I first began to learn about trauma, one of the most wild things that I learned is that trauma is not actually what happens to you. It is the result. It’s what’s left behind of what happens to you. Peter Levine is one of the foremost experts on trauma. And he developed somatic experiencing. And what he says is trauma is not what happens to us. Trauma is what lives within us as a result.

So let me explain it like this. You and I may have the exact same event take place in our lives. And it may not be an event that leaves trauma behind. It may not be an event that causes trauma for you. But it may cause trauma for me.

Let me explain. If you think about trauma as being a wound, and we all experience wounds, we’re humans, we live in a broken world, we’re being raised by broken people. I mean, of course, we all have wounds, that’s just a normal part of life. I want you to think about it like a cut on your arm, you have a cut on your arm, it’s it hurts. It’s an intense cut, we all get cuts from time to time, we know it’s not going to kill us, but there’s a cut there. If you have someone in your life, namely a parent, who will see your cut and notice it and say wow, that looks like it really hurts. Let me take care of that for you. And they see the wound, they validate the wound, and they care for the wound. So they put some antibiotic cream on it and they wrap it with a bandage and they make sure that it’s protected. And if it’s a pretty deep wound, maybe they’ll even like put you in a sling so that you’re not banging your arm, you know into other things and reopening the wound. Your wound is being cared for. It may not become trauma, because the actual wound the event has been cared for.

So let’s put this in real life terms. Let’s say you’re bullied in school, if you’re being bullied at school, but you are able to go home to a safe environment where your parent says I am so sorry this is happening to you. Come here let me hug you. Let me tell you the truth about who you are. You are loved you are cared for. I’m going to protect you, I’m going to give that school a call, this person is no longer going to be able to hurt you. If you are cared for in that way, it’s very likely that the bullying will not leave the scar of trauma.

However, if you were brought up in a family who minimized your pain, who dismissed your needs, and who did not stand up for you or protect you, that bullying will likely leave trauma. Okay, so that looks like you coming home and saying, Mom, I got bullied today, so and so said this, and your mom says whatever boys will be boys get over it. Just stand up for yourself. You’re fine. Okay, well, you have a wound, you have pain. It’s not being seen. It’s not being validated. It’s not being cared for. It’s not being soothed and healed, it’s not given a place to heal. So that wound stays, it stays open and gaping.

Now the next time something bullying ish happens, that’s more wounding, or the next time that your parent dismisses you, and invalidates you and abandons you and doesn’t stick up for you. That’s an even deeper wound. And over and over and over those types of things happen to us, and they leave the lasting scar of trauma.

So again, trauma is not the event that takes place. Trauma is the wound, the scarring, the festering gross thing that’s left behind, if the wound is not cared for, if the event is not seen, heard, validated, and cared for Bessel Vander Kolk, wrote the book, The Body Keeps the Score. And one of the things that he says over and over is that if you have a soft place to land, it is very likely that trauma will not occur. Because if you have that safe place to go, when inevitably, because you’re in a human world, bad things happen. If there’s a safe place to go, it’s very likely that trauma will not occur because again, you’re being cared for you’re being loved, you’re being validated, those wounds are being stitched up and bandaged and cared for and loved. And it may leave a small scar, and there may be some evidence of that being there. But it’s not always going to be painful, it’s not going to be traumatic, it’s not always going to feel like a gaping wound.

Now, there are different types of trauma that we may experience as humans, the type that I knew about and thought was just all encompassing of all trauma was acute trauma, which is trauma from a single incident. So like I said, a car accident or something horrible happening, you know, like your house burns down or something like that, that obviously, that’s traumatic. And I always thought to myself, my goodness, I’m so lucky, I’m so glad I never experienced anything like that. And I just kind of like lalalala skipped through life, thinking I don’t carry any trauma. But there’s also chronic trauma, which is the same types of abuse over a long period of time. So maybe neglect, your emotional needs not being met, having food on the table, but not having an emotional connection to your caregivers.

That would be chronic trauma. complex trauma is and I’m not talking about complex PTSD, but in the in the framework of trauma. complex trauma is varied types of abuse. So maybe there’s some physical abuse, maybe there’s some emotional abuse, maybe there’s some also sexual abuse in there. It’s just like, varied types of abuse. And then systemic trauma is something that I know many of you have experienced, which is poverty, racism, sexism, and I would even put living as a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world, you’ve likely experienced copious amounts of systemic trauma.

Think about your experience as someone who is neurodivergent someone who is ADHD, living in a world set up for an neurotypicals someone who has tried to exist within systems, whether family systems, school systems, religious organization systems, and just not fit in because you have an ADHD brain you are neurodivergent in a world that was made and built for neurotypicals. And so of course, you have indeed experienced some measure of systemic trauma. You just have I’m sorry. Oh, it’s so painful.

Now remember, if you grew up in a family that was really welcoming, affirming understanding of your narrative urgence though the wounding the issues that happen out there, in the different systems in the church system in the in the school system, even in your work environment, they may not be wounds that leave lasting scars because you have a safe place to go in your home where you’re seen and validated and understood.

The problem is that I know that many of you did not grow up in homes in which you felt seen and validated and understood. You were also told at home that you’re being too dramatic, and life’s tough time to get over it. And you were told, stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about. And when you tried to express emotion, there was just no room for it. And so if you’re anything like that 1000s of clients that I’ve coached, then I know that that is your experience, or maybe there was inconsistency, maybe sometimes you felt like you were really warmly welcomed in your home.

But then other times, you felt like you were just too much and didn’t fit in, and then feeling like well, I don’t fit in anywhere because I don’t fit in at school, and I don’t fit in, in my religious system. And I’m not fitting in, you know, with the neighborhood kids or even in my home, and my friend that is going to leave some drama, okay, if you don’t have that soft place to land, if you don’t have the place that’s going to recognize your wounds and bind them up and heal them and, and take care of them, then they will leave this lasting effect of trauma.

So I want you to think about the type of trauma that I’m describing kind of as like death by 1000 cuts, there maybe is not one big thing that you can point to that says like, this is the one thing that caused me trauma. But there’s lots of little wounds that have never really been addressed or healed or seen validated, taken care of bound up. And so there’s all of these wounds. And if you go back to the arm analogy, and you picture an arm with cuts all over it, of course, you’re going to be more sensitive.

Of course, anytime something, quote unquote, little happens, and that arm gets bumped, it’s going to feel like an intense pain because there are so many wounds that haven’t been healed. There are so many wounds that are just kind of left over and still festering. And so anytime you bump that arm, it may just be like even air like the breeze blowing on it. Have you ever been in so much pain, I had chronic foot pain for a couple years. This was like a very long time ago. And it was so painful and it lasted forever. And it was like even I’m like laying in my bed. And the foot is just like exposed and even overhead fan like blowing the breeze on my foot caused pain. And so I want you to think about that, like with the arm analogy of like a death by 1000 cuts a lot of little wounds, like even something just like a gentle breeze blowing through that that’s really just benign. It’s not harmful. It’s just it’s just a gentle breeze, even that causes pain because of all the wounding that is already there that has not been seen validated, herd healt. Everyone experiences wounding that’s just a part of life.

Okay, so I’m not trying to over dramatize this, everyone experiences wounding. But not everyone experiences trauma. Because when you have a soft place to land, the event that takes place the wounding does not leave a traumatic imprint. But because few of us ADHD errs had a soft place to land, many of our wounds have left the scar of trauma. To put it another way, the trauma or the lasting effect of that wound can be mitigated if it’s handled well. So therefore, it’s not the event or the initial wounding. It’s how the event was handled.

So I have a son who had an experience at school that for sure, could have left lasting trauma for sure. Here’s how we handled it though. He came to us and told us and we immediately validated his experience. Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. That happened. That’s so unfair. I am so sorry. Tell me everything. How do you feel? What do you need? Then we immediately called the school we had meetings with the school. We included him as much as he wanted to be included. So he did want to be included in some of those meetings and kind of speak for himself. We allowed him to do that. We continue to validate him in front of the press. Support and the guidance counselor. And then we set him up with a therapist and we said, hey, we just want you to talk to someone else about this experience. And we’re so glad you shared it with us. But we’re not fully equipped to handle this. And we just want to make sure you, you get all of the help that you need. So let’s schedule a couple of sessions with this therapist. And as much as you are comfortable, please share with them and let them also hear your story and help you to work through it.

He has not talked about that event, I’ve brought it up a couple times is to check in, hey, how you doing? And he’s just like, he’s over it. He just he’s like, I’m not joking. It’s wild. He is over it. Why is he over it? Because it was handled, because he was seen, heard, validated and taken care of. Now, I want to ask you, when you were a child, or an adolescent, and you went to your parents and said, Hey, this thing happened to me. What was the response? Like? Did you also receive that type of care, where you seen, heard, validated and protected? If not, it’s very likely that you’ve got some leftover trauma from that event and many other events. If you are not in a family system that took care of your wounding, or even had the capacity to acknowledge your wounding, it’s very likely that that left some lasting trauma, I just want to circle back and say, this is just the beginning of the conversation. I know that I can’t do this topic justice. In one episode, I just kind of want to open the door to your understanding of when we talk about trauma, what I actually mean, and what’s very interesting, and and this is where it gets weird. So hang tight. Trauma changes the brain that’s well documented, and the symptoms of trauma look a hell of a lot like the symptoms of ADHD.

And this is just where the conversation really overlaps of, is ADHD caused by trauma? Is ADHD caused by genetics? I would say yes. To both, that’s my take on it. I know there are people out there like Gabor Ma Tei, who say everything is trauma. You know, all ADHD is caused by trauma, I do not go so far as to say that I think Gabor has a lot to offer the community, I’m glad that he exists, I’m glad that his work is out in the world. I also know an actually, dear friends with a therapist who thinks that he’s really harmful and that his his work is really harmful. And and I can hold space for that, because I can see how if you say, you know, ADHD is solely caused by trauma that could be really harmful. And I want you to know that I do not adhere to that at all.

However, it is undeniable that trauma does change the brain, and that the symptoms of complex trauma look a heck of a lot like the symptoms of ADHD. And it is up to therapists and clinicians to unpick whether or not the symptoms have been caused by you know, the genetic component of ADHD and the brain based neurodevelopmental disorder of ADHD, or if these are ADHD, like symptoms that are caused by traumatic events in the family. When I was assessed for ADHD, nobody asked me about my family history about trauma. And I mean, of course, it was the 90s I was a woman and I wouldn’t have even been able to identify any symptoms of trauma, which is so sad. I was living a highly traumatized life, especially at that time. And sometimes I do just I do just wonder is it is all of this just Complex PTSD, I realized that I use the term Complex PTSD without defining it. And that’s just a whole episode in itself. But essentially, complex PTSD is the result of long term chronic trauma, the small death by 1000 cuts and according to Pete Walker, who wrote an amazing book on complex PTSD, it is characterized by emotional flashbacks. A really severe inner critic. Like if you’re negative self talk is like through the roof, toxic shame self abandonment, social anxiety, feeling of loneliness, fragile self esteem, attachment disorder, release You know, difficulties, huge variation in mood, we might call that emotional dysregulation, hair, trigger flight flight response, over sensitivity to stressful situations, so maybe extreme overwhelm. And lastly, and this might sound really familiar, dissociation, meaning like being really distracting, like using distracting activities, or mental processes to like, take you away, so that you don’t have to live in reality.

And a lot of that can look like ADHD. When I was reading Bessel Vander Kolk book, The Body Keeps the Score. This was years ago, when I was just beginning my journey into understanding what trauma was, I did not have any of this knowledge that I’ve already given you. And I’m just reading this book, hysterically like laying in bed at night trying to read the book before bed, which is so dumb, please don’t do that. This is like a textbook. I don’t really recommend it as a entry point to learning about trauma. But that’s that’s the road that I took when he was listing the symptoms that he saw in these patients that he was working with who had experienced, you know, chronic trauma, long term death by 1000 cuts type of trauma. He was listening the symptoms of being distracted being emotionally dysregulated, not being able to remember things. And I was like, oh, excuse me, that sounds like ADHD.

And so to understand that the symptoms of complex trauma can often look like the symptoms of ADHD is really fascinating thing. It’s just fascinating. I’m not invalidating my own diagnosis, I’m not invalidating your diagnosis. But what I am, I guess trying to say is that maybe we should continue to learn about this aspect, that may be making things even worse, that may be adding to our symptoms that may be making things worse, that may, you know, like the medication is helping, but it’s not helping that much, there may be more there, my friend, there may be more there for you. And I just want to introduce that idea. And say, Hey, you may be being invited into a deeper healing journey. And I wonder if that’s something that you want to entertain. We can have a conversation on trauma without also incorporating trauma responses, which are fight flight, freeze, and fawn. These are wonderful, in my opinion, God given characteristics that are responses to actual threats, okay, these are really, really, really good responses to threats. So I want you to understand that if you notice that your body is going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn just know that that was adaptive at one time, it was good. This is the way that our bodies are supposed to be wired. So let’s talk about it first fight. If you go into the fight response, you are likely very highly reactive, you’re totally seeing red, maybe you’re screaming, yelling. And this is just like a hair trigger response. Something sets you off and all of a sudden, you’re screaming, you’re reacting and you’re not really even in control of it. It is just happening. Maybe you’re like watching yourself do it. The flight response is more of like a hiding the running away.

It can look like avoidance, a lot of avoidance, it can look like a lot a lot of avoidance. So we’re we’re running away from conversations. We’re wandering away from arguments, maybe we’re running away from our tasks and the things that are exposing. Yeah, that that’s the thing. Okay, the freeze response is one that I really engaged in that my body used as a coping mechanism to keep me safe. And I want to say it did. It kept me very safe. I am so grateful. Oh gosh, cannula emotional. I’m so grateful to my body’s natural response of freeze. Because what that did is it protected me from abuse. I was already being abused. But the freeze response protected me from further abuse and I will be forever grateful to it. However, in my 40s I had to do the deep excruciating work of learning to override my freeze response so that I could function as a grown ass woman in the world, which is not an easy feat. That is not easy. The freeze response is kind of like the deer in headlights, your your brain goes to concrete, you just kind of clam up you’ve got nothing to say in response to someone and then maybe an hour or two or a day later you’re like dang it why I didn’t I just say XYZ, you’re kind of always beating yourself up after, or I’ll speak for myself. I was always beating myself up after the fact of like, why couldn’t I just say what I wanted to say like I could not show up as the full version of myself, I had to abandon myself, in order to stay safe. Fine often goes with Freeze and fawn is when we’re really agreeable, even when we disagree.

And we’re maybe complimenting and people pleasing, and we’re again, keeping ourselves so safe. So for me, personally, my trauma responses of choice, although it wasn’t a choice, but my go to trauma responses were freeze fawn, I would first freeze clam up, not tell the truth, not say what I wanted to say self abandon. And then I would find to get back into the good graces of the person. So you’re the best I love you so much. I’m so sorry, I did that even though I probably did not need to apologize. And just over explaining and people pleasing in order to get back into the good graces of the person with whom I wanted connection. This is so much about connection. As humans, we just crave connection so much our souls crave it, and when that connection is disrupted, when we go to a caregiver, and we say, Hey, I’m wounded, I am hurt, I need comfort. And they say, Stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. Or they say, go to your room and work this out and come back when you’re regulated. Or they say whatever you fill in the blank, that is a disruption of connection. And then our body goes a little bit haywire. And especially if we kind of grew up in these chronically abusive families, our bodies for sure employed either probably fight flight, or freeze fawn, they usually kind of go as a combo deal like Baskin Robbins, two scoops, you know, I’m saying who,

what, again, I want to highlight is that these were adaptive when we were young. And when we truly were at risk. These were adaptive, thank God, we had these coping mechanisms. But now as an adult who is safe in the world, and who was old enough and strong enough to take care of herself, freezing up, when someone says something that I disagree with.

That’s not how I want to respond, I don’t want to freeze up, I want to respectfully and kindly state my opinion, I want to be able to disagree with someone or even dislike someone without fawning, trying to charm them, and trying to be extra safe around them. It’s just not adaptive for me anymore. It’s maladaptive. And so growing into someone who understands her wounding, that’s been a really important thing, growing into someone who understands her traumas, her wounding and my responses to it. All of my emotional flashbacks, my severe abandonment wounds, that’s been so important, because what that’s allowed me to do is connect to myself, connect to safe people in my life, and really set up my world in a way that is supportive and kind and safe. And that’s new. That’s new to Kristen Carter in the last couple of years. And oh, my goodness, I’m so grateful. It’s common, a very high cost. I’m not ready to really talk about the cost, yet. It’s come at an extremely high cost. But it’s been, it’s been worth it. I’ve been able to transform myself and my relationships in a way that I’m so proud of. So let me give you some resources in case you want to take this conversation deeper in case you want to learn a little bit more. I mentioned earlier that I read The Body Keeps the Score and I just, it’s so intense. It is like a textbook. I don’t really recommend it as an entry point to understanding trauma. I think that Dr. Bruce Perry, and Oprah Winfrey’s book, what happened to you is an excellent entry point. Who would have ever thought that Oprah Winfrey would be co authoring an amazing book on trauma, but my goodness, she’s done it and I highly, highly recommend that book. I’ll put a link in the show notes if you want it.

Additionally, Pete Walker has an excellent book called Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, highly, highly recommend this book. And then there are two, like assessments that I would recommend if you’re interested. The adverse childhood experiences scores test is one that is widely used. And there was just research that came out very, very recently, that associated adverse childhood experiences with a diagnosis of ADHD, I’m going to pop this research article into the show notes as well. Essentially, it shows that there’s a greater number of ACEs adverse childhood experiences reported by patients who are severely impaired by ADHD, and like, no da, but it’s really great. It’s really great that the research is showing that it’s also very sad, and it makes my heart hurts so much. And just so you know, if you go and take the ACES score, and you score pretty low, which I do, I feel like there is some issue with the ACES score where they don’t account for emotional abuse, and they don’t account for emotional neglect. And I think that that is a primary problem with the adverse childhood experiences, scores. But nonetheless, it is widely used, and you can go and take the test, I believe I got a four out of 10. However, I’m also going to link this in the show notes. Patrick Tien is a well known therapist in the area of toxic families, and he created a toxic family test, essentially assessing how toxic is your family? That’s a really interesting, that’s a really interesting test. And I think what it helps you to understand is like, was it really as bad as I, as I’m thinking, is this was this even bad? Or like, How bad was this? What would a therapist say about my story, essentially, is what I think that this test can give us.

And I will tell you that my sisters and I all took this test separately and came back together, and we all scored in the 90s. And so even though my aces score was only four, which is not bad, Hi, my toxic family test score was in the 90. So I got an A on the one test that you don’t want to get an A on. Okay, have I shared too much? Maybe, maybe, I want to let you know that this is a really tender topic. And if you’re feeling a type of way, I understand I got you. I’ve done so much work in this area. And it still gets me every time because we’re talking about such vulnerabilities. And it is not easy to talk about vulnerabilities. But I will say that if you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, if you are treating your ADHD and you’re still finding like, why am I freaking out when something little happens? Why am I not able to speak my mind? When so and so starts going off? Why do I feel like I activated at just like by nothing, you really may want to look into therapy with a trauma informed therapist and begin to understand how your history is impacting the Now I read this amazing quote and I don’t remember where it’s from but there’s this sentiment in toxic families that’s like don’t talk about the past. We don’t need to bring up the past Why are you bringing up the past and I read this quote that was so validating to me it said I’m not living in the past. The past is living in me and I really want you to feel so validated by that. If you feel like you’re the one version in your family who keeps bringing up the past and people are just like what is wrong with you? Why can’t you just let it go? It’s because you’re not living in the past the past is living in you. And until those wounds are seen heard, validated cared for. You will continue to have the past live in you and cause pretty intense reactions to even small things in the present and this is why doing the work is worth it. I adore you. I actually almost said I love you and then I was like maybe that’s too far but no, it’s true. I love you. I love the fact that you are here for this conversation. If you have made it through 50 minutes or however long of listening to me talk about trauma and engaging with all of this. I love this for you and I love you and I’m so glad You’re here.

I appreciate the work that you’re doing. I know it’s not easy. I am cheering for you. A few years ago I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with, I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. And then I created focused for you. Focus is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program and I’m confident that you will to go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all details.