Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up?

This is Kristin Carter, and you’ve tuned in to the I have ADHD podcast. I am so glad to be with you today. Look around. Isn’t this so pretty? I just am so glad to be here in this space, and I hope that you feel like we’re just hanging out having a conversation about all of the ADHD things, because that is what we are going to be doing today. I’ve got a couple questions that I’m going to answer from viewers. We’re going to talk about some resources. I’m going to tell you what’s triggered me lately. We’re going to discuss a study that’s recently come out about ADHD and the relation to adverse childhood experiences, or the ACE score. So today is going to be a jam packed episode. First, I just need to tell you that I am sick and jet lagged and tired. Can you tell or no? Are we like? Are we good or not good? Because, like, right now, I am so drugged with ibuprofen and DayQuil and all the things. This podcast is not sponsored by any of these products. But let me tell you, it is getting me through the day.

I was just in Europe last week, like two days ago, and I was at a conference on trauma and trauma informed care. I’m obsessed. I’m doing all of the deep dives. I have a coaching certification in trauma informed coaching, and I am digging and digging and digging. I have so many questions, and so over the last couple years, I’ve been reading all the books and attending all the seminars. And I attended this conference the last two years virtually, and last year when I attended virtually, I mean, I have ADHD. You have ADHD. You know what it’s like to attend something virtually? It’s like, it’s not the best. And so last year, I was like, I need to go in person. And I made it a goal that I would get my butt to Europe and attend the conference in person. And I did. She made it happen. Your girl made it happen. And so I was able to spend an entire day learning from Gabor Mate. That was the first day. It was like six hours of Dr Gabor Mate, which you know, we will discuss in detail. I’ve mentioned him on the podcast before. He is a leader when it comes to understanding trauma complex, PTSD, childhood trauma, etc, etc. He has a lot of views about ADHD that I do not necessarily agree with. Gabor would say that ADHD is caused by trauma. We are going to get into that at some point, that’s probably not a topic for today, but I learned from Gabon Marty That was wonderful. I also was able to go to a session with Bessel van der Kolk, who wrote the book The Body Keeps the Score.

I mean, come on, that book is everything right now, I spent some time with Richard Schwartz and a bunch of other people that you may or may not have heard of, but the main thing that I walked away with from four days at this conference was that I already know a lot about trauma. That might sound a little bit like self serving, but as someone with ADHD, I wonder if you can relate to the experience of imposter syndrome. I wonder if you can relate to the experience of feeling like you’re just never knowing enough, feeling like you just have to catch up all the time feeling like, like I just, I need to, like, prove to myself and to others how much I know or my worth. And so yes, I learned at this conference it was wonderful, and it was really validating to walk away being like there wasn’t much that I didn’t already know. And I don’t know if you can relate to that experience of imposter syndrome, but it was, it was helpful to me to be validated in that way. I then spent 36 of the fastest hours of my life in London. I couldn’t go all the way to Oxford University, and, you know, travel seven hours on a plane to Europe and then not spend time in London. So I toured around London all by myself, like all by myself, like a basic white American tourist. It was so. Much fun. I took a bus tour. It was a hop on, hop off, bus tour around London, and then I hopped on a riverboat, and like half of the tour was on a riverboat. I saw the Tower of London, Big Bend, Buckingham Palace, St Paul’s Cathedral, all of the things. It was so much fun. I never knew that sightseeing by yourself could be fun, but it was I enjoyed every single moment of it.

And one of the things that I experienced as an American being in the UK is that the the transportation systems in the UK versus the US are so different. So while I was in England, I took a taxi. I took the tube, which is like the subway. I took a train, and I took the bus. I traveled in all of these different ways. And as a person with ADHD trying to navigate all of these new systems, I was full of anxiety. It was hard. I was constantly sweating because I was like, so nervous all of the time, but it did okay eventually, I don’t know, not today, but sometime, I’m gonna share with you some of the footage that I took. And by footage, I mean 15 second videos on my iPhone, but, like, still footage, right? It was so much fun. I’m so glad I got to go, but I am so sick and I am so jet lagged, and I think that one of the reasons why maybe some of us don’t travel more is, first of all, it’s so expensive, but then also, like the cost of travel on our bodies, on our nervous systems, Like it just costs so much to travel and spend, I think I spent six days. Yes, it was six days in another time zone, and my body didn’t really adjust. And now I’m back in eastern time zone, and my body is like, what are you doing to me? So I woke up at 5am this morning coughing, in a coughing fit, because, you know, sick and I was wide awake, wide awake. So I did morning duty this morning, which I’m very proud of, because that’s usually my husband’s job. Anyway, it was the best time. I can’t wait to tell you more about it, but I’m really glad you’re here. Thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in. If you would just take a second and like, subscribe, do all the things, I would appreciate it so much. I don’t know if you realize how much it matters to this show. To me when you take, you know, a fraction of a second to hit that like button or to hit the Five Star Review button, that matters so much to the show, because what it does is it proves to the YouTube gods, the podcast gods, that this is a show worth watching, worth listening to, and then they show it to more people and more adults with ADHD get the help that they are looking for.

So Be a pal. Press that like button. Share it with a friend. I would appreciate it so much.

I want to tell you about a device that I came across that I just purchased pretty impulsively this morning. So maybe don’t take, you know, buying advice from me, but I purchased this device because it looks like such a good resource for those of us with ADHD. It’s called brick. It’s a device that temporarily removes distracting apps and their notifications from your phone, leaving only the tools that you choose. So like, if you want to make sure that you have text messages and your camera and maybe your calculator, I don’t know, or Spotify or something, you can leave certain apps available, but then the other apps are no longer available. Here’s how it’s different from anything that I’ve ever seen before. You set it and then you leave the brick at home and you go for a walk, or you go for a hike, or you go to you know, next door, you go to work, and you cannot access those apps until you’re back with the brick. So let’s say you pop the brick on your refrigerator. It’s magnetic. It just sits there. You click it when you leave for work and you don’t have access to Instagram, Tiktok, whatever, all day long, until you’re physically back in your home. I love this.

I don’t know if you are a longtime listener, you are going to remember that I purchased a phone jail for my phone years ago, in the first couple months of recording this podcast, because I literally could not get myself to record the podcast, because I was so distracted by my phone, constantly freaking distracted by my phone. And so I bought this phone jail, where you set the time you put the phone in the phone jail, and then, literally, and. Till the time runs down, you cannot access it. There’s no way to unlock it. I mean, I would need, like, some sort of saw to get into it, which that’s not going to happen. What I didn’t like about that is that if there was some sort of emergency, I wouldn’t have access to call 911, right? Because my phone is literally in this phone jail situation. What I like about brick is that I can leave those tools, the things that I actually do need, like I want to be able to make a phone call from my phone, but Instagram, Tiktok, I couldn’t remember that other app is it’s called Facebook. For any of you who are over the age of 40, Facebook not available until I click the brick. So I think that’s really ingenious. I am going to hopefully get it in a couple days, and then I’ll let you know how it works. What their website says is, now you don’t have to take the distractions with you everywhere, leave them behind with the brick and engage with more of what matters. I love it. And so you can keep your tools, like camera phone, Venmo, Spotify, Uber, and you can block the distractions like Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tiktok, Facebook. I just think that’s really I think it’s a cool idea. I also think that once I start using it, and if I think it’s worthwhile, I’m gonna have my kids use it as well, like how awesome to send them to school with the ability to text and call, but not be able to hop on YouTube and watch gaming streams or whatever the heck, all day long, while in class.

You know, I’m saying, All right, so obviously this is not a sponsor to add, but if it sounds interesting to you, check it out. We’re gonna go to a new segment now of the podcast where I’m gonna answer your questions. I thought it would be really fun to create a sort of hotline, and I have ADHD hotline, where you, my dear listener, can call in and leave a voicemail. You can ask me a question. It can be about ADHD or life in general, and I’ll answer your question on the podcast. I would love to hear from you. So if you have a question, you can call 833-281-2343, I’m gonna say it again. I’m also gonna link it in the show notes. Don’t worry. You’re gonna get it. Okay? 833-281-2343, leave a message. Tell me who you are, tell me where you’re calling from, and I would love to just answer your questions. So we’re gonna go to Amber. She has a question about packing

Hi Kristen. This is Amber. Been in the program for a long time. I think it’s been, like four years. So, honestly, so amazing. But I had a question come up that I was thinking about something that has really been challenging for me, like ongoing, and I haven’t found, like, a V perfect system, I don’t even know if that exists, but packing. So I struggle a lot with packing for trips, and I typically start packing, like, weeks in advance, because I don’t know, like, my executive functioning with packing just lacking so much. And I usually have a really large list, and it takes me hours to pack, even if I’m packing like to go somewhere for the weekend. I’m just curious if you have any tips or ways to make packing faster or just easier where I feel like I’m not like running all over. So yeah, just any tips or your experience with that would be awesome. Thanks. Bye.

All right, Amber, thanks so much for calling. I love hearing your voice, and I totally relate to the chaos of trying to pack, especially when it’s like if you’re going to a different location every time. So it’s almost like you have to create this new map every single time that you’re packing. The first thing that I would suggest is starting with a master list that you’ll need for each trip. So so much of the stuff that we bring is is stuff that we have to bring every single time. And so spend 1520 minutes using your executive brain to sit down and and make a master list of the things that don’t change. For example, every single item in your toiletry bag you’re going to need that every time you go on a trip. And you don’t need to use your brain power to do the same thing over and over and over. So if you have a master list of the things that need to be packed for each trip, that can save you so much brain energy. Part of the problem with packing, in my opinion, and I just did this, like I said, I just got back from Europe, part of the problem is it takes so much brain energy. It’s exhausting. Think. Through every single thing. Think about our inability to prioritize. Think about our inability to organize and plan. All of those deficient skills make packing really, really difficult, and we can often think that we’re forgetting something, or we often are forgetting something, and not really sure of like, what’s most important. And so if you kind of hop into your executive brain and make a master list that you’re going to need for every single trip, that’s going to cut down on a lot of your energy spent. What we’re trying to do here is reduce the amount of energy spent. It’s not that packing shouldn’t take time. It’s totally fine that it takes time, but if you’re having to expend a ton of energy every time that you pack, it can just feel exhausting and daunting, and then your brain is really going to resist it.

The next thing that I would suggest, after you’ve made that master list of the things that you’ll need for every trip every single time. Don’t forget your medications. By the way, is I would mentally walk through each day, picture yourself on each day of the trip, and maybe jot down what types of outfits that you’re gonna wear now. I mean, as a woman who also enjoys looking cute, I think that there are just so many costume changes. When you’re going on a trip, like in the morning, I’m going to go out for a run, but I want to look cute, and then I’m going to come back and I’m going to eat breakfast, but I want to look is this like costume change, costume change, costume change. And so if you can mentally walk through each day, that’s going to be helpful. Something that I didn’t do well when I packed for this past trip is that I didn’t trust my gut. I didn’t trust myself when I was packing. And here’s an example of that. I have this very cute pea coat that I was like, hello, I’m going to Oxford University.

I’m going to London, England. I’m going to bring this, like, really cute wool pea coat. And I was chatting with friends who are European, and I said, I’m going to bring this Pico. And they were like, You do not need a coat. You’re going to be so hot. And I was like, Really, are you sure? And they’re like, seriously, don’t bring a coat. You’re going to be too hot. And so I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t bring a coat. I didn’t listen to my husband, and my husband, and my husband was like, You’re gonna freeze. And I was like, well, they said, don’t bring a coat. So I guess I won’t bring a coat. Little did I know that the word coat got lost in translation. And apparently, to a European coat means, like, a very heavy, heavy, I don’t know situation. And so many people were wearing jackets exactly the way, like, exactly like the peacoat that I was going to bring. And so I just want to say I didn’t bring it because I listened to someone else, and I let that override my own intuition. And when you’re packing, you know yourself best.

You know what you want, you know what you need, you know what what temperature you like to be. So even though, as someone with ADHD, yes, it’s very hard to trust ourselves, just remember that you do know yourself best. So it’s okay to lean on your own intuition when you’re packing it’s not just Okay, actually it’s it’s encourage, I encourage you to lean on your intuition with that. And the last kind of thing that I want to say is like, packing takes time. There’s no perfect solution for it. We can mitigate some of the drama, but I just want you to remember that unless you’re going to somewhere extremely remote or some sort of impoverished area, you’re gonna be able to buy whatever you forget, and that’s okay. You can chalk that up to being human. You can chalk it up to the ADHD tax, but you’re gonna be able to buy whatever you forget. I brought an adapter from home because I thought it was the right type of adapter for England to plug in my hair dryer and et cetera, all of my iPhone charger and stuff. And I get there and it’s the wrong type of adapter. And I was like, shoot, none of my electronics are going to be able to be plugged in. And I was able to borrow an adapter from a friend and then purchase one. Like, it’s not that big of a deal. I needed an umbrella while I was there because it was hella rainy. It was totally fine. I just I bought a $15 umbrella. Like, you’re gonna be able to purchase things that you forget or that you find out that you need, so you can drop some of the drama around having the perfect system just make a master list, create something that you can look at every single time, so you don’t have to do that brain work every time, every time, and then spend most. Of your time anticipating the trip, being excited about where you’re going, it’s not really that fun to use your brain’s energy being nervous and anxious about not having what you need.

It’s a lot more fun to anticipate your trip and get excited about it. Anticipation is like my favorite emotion ever. So I really encourage you to like, yep, do some of this. Make that master list. Remember that you can buy anything that you forget, and then spend your time being excited, not nervous or anxious. Thank you so much, Amber, I loved hearing from you. Okay, Carmen has a question about relationships. This is going to be a little juicy. Here we go. Let’s hear from Carmen. Hi Kristen,

it’s Carmen. I am part of the focus community, and my question is, do I go to my cousin’s son’s birthday party that I was invited to? Me and my cousin have had some animosity in the past. She has accused me of using my mental health as an excuse. We have not gotten along or really spoken in maybe a year, maybe almost two, and I’m just kind of stuck as to what to do here, if I should go and try to kind of make amends and try to repair the relationship, or if I should stick to what I’ve been doing and not go. But it’s starting to feel like a really long time, and I don’t think anything’s going to change with how I’m viewed in my family in that way. So my question for you is maybe, what do I do, or how can I go about this? And I would love your insights. I am part of the awesome membership that Kristen has called focus. So yeah, I hope that there’s some links on the podcast.

Hey, Carmen, this sounds really hard. I’m really glad that you called in for any of you who maybe didn’t hear Carmen is wondering if she should go to her cousin’s son’s son’s birthday party, so she was invited to her cousin’s son’s birthday party. Now, what’s really interesting about this is that, you know, you express that there’s a lot of animosity. She’s accused you of using your mental health as an excuse. You haven’t even talked in over a year, close to two years, you said, so if we were sitting face to face, I would be so interested to hear like if you were surprised to be invited to this birthday party, because it does seem like a little bit out of the blue, and that’s kind of interesting to me. So your question is, Should I go? Should I go and make amends and repair the relationship. And that’s so hard, because here’s what is true about relationships, it takes two people to make amends. It’s not just on you. It’s not just on one person to repair and make amends. Repairing and making amends is it? It takes both parties, and so I’m really curious what that means to you to repair and make amends. Does that mean that you just say, Hey, we’re gonna just let bygones be bygones.

We’re just gonna sweep this under the rug. We don’t need to talk about it, and it’s okay that you’ve, you know, said that I’m using my mental health as an excuse, and I’m just going to let all of that go, and I’m just going to move on. Like, is that where we’re at, or is there going to be a conversation where you express how that made you feel and express kind of what you need in order to be safe in this relationship. And so it really depends on what you mean by make amends. The way that I like to, you know, wrestle through these questions for myself is I ask myself, what are my reasons for going, Why would I go, and what are my reasons for not going? Why would I not go? And then, which set of reasons do I like better? It’s, in my opinion, better than just a pros and cons list, like, what are the pros of going? What are the pros of not going? But it’s more of like, why would I go? What are my reasons for going. And so it sounds like for you, the reasons are to repair the relationship and to make amends, and but I’m curious what your reasons are for not going. So maybe it’s nothing’s going to change it with the way that people view me and my family, and people are going to just. Just tell me that I use my mental health as an excuse, and I’m not really seen and heard and valued and which set of reasons.

And of course, you create your own list, but which set of reasons do you like better? Which? Which ones are more resonant for you? You know it’s so hard to navigate relationships as someone with ADHD, especially when you’re kind of going against the grain of the family. For a lot of us, there’s these family rules, this system that we’re just expected to fit into and that we’re expected to go along with, and that’s all well and good, as long as we are valued and seen and heard and protected and safe. But if we are not valued and seen and heard and protected and safe, and we’re being kind of forced or expected to go along with the family rules, then I would start to question. I’m just going to give you my gut reaction, and I want you to test it and see if you agree with it. But my gut reaction is that there’s an expectation that you will go to the party and that everything will be fine, that we don’t need to have any conversations, and we don’t need to have any actual back and forth, and we don’t need to talk about the past, but we can just pretend that nothing happened and move forward. And my question is, who does that benefit? And are you comfortable with it? I just want to point out also that this is, this is about a child. This is the cousin’s son’s birthday. So what does he want? Does he even care if you’re there or not? Could you send an amazing gift and totally make his day with your gift, and have him not really notice that you’re not there? I think that’s a really interesting angle to look at as well. Like this is really about a kiddo, like a little guy who’s having a birthday party. Do you know him? Does he know you? Is he gonna care if you’re there or not? So I would really look at it from from these different angles.

But the last question I want to leave you with is, what does going or not going mean to you if you go? Is it people pleasing if you don’t go? Are you a quote, unquote, bad family member? I think what this is doing is just opening up a lot of questions for you to think about. But the truth is that you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, and it sounds like the view that your family has of you is already pretty fixed. And so I’m just curious what benefit would be to going and what benefit would be to not going. I really appreciate your call. I wish that it was that there was a black and white answer here. But I hope what this is doing for all of you listening is opening up questions about your own family’s expectations and the choices that you make regarding participating in events and sweeping things under the rug, and who is that convenient for, and who does that protect and who? Who is that helping it?

It’s really interesting when we start looking at the family dynamics and looking at the system in general, and questioning, hey, who’s being protected here? Is this really about my cousin’s son, or is this about my cousin? Or is this about I don’t know. You fill in the blank, my aunt, my grandma, whatever. Who is this really about here, and who is the family protecting and is it me? Is the family ever protecting me? That’s a real interesting question for every single listener to ponder. Is the family set up to protect me or someone else? Is it shared protection? Is it equal opportunity when it comes to protection? A lot of times in the families that we ADHD ers grow up in, there is not equal opportunity when it comes to protection. It is usually centered around the most toxic person, and the most toxic person gets the most protection and and then the least toxic person gets labeled as the bad guy. Let’s go ahead and move on. Thanks, Carmen for your call.

AG, one is like daily self care for me, I have ADHD, I’m pretty inconsistent with my diet and nutrition, but I know that I’m doing at least one good thing for my body every day, when I start my day with ag one, and I’ve been doing that for years now, and it really does give my body the vitamins, minerals and probiotics that it needs. And speaking of probiotics, in a. Recent research study, AG, one, was actually shown to double the amount of healthy bacteria in the gut. These healthy bacteria work together to break down food and are known to alleviate bloating, promote digestive regularity, and aid to digestive comfort long term, and also, for those of us with ADHD, having a healthy gut actually does improve our brain function. Now that’s so, so important for us. AG, one is just a simple thing that I’ve implemented into my daily routine, and I use that word very loosely, routine that has made a big difference for me. It’s helped me to fill nutrient gaps, and I know that it has supported my gut for healthy digestion. So start your day with ag one and notice the difference for yourself. It’s a great first step to investing in your health, and that’s why they’ve been my only partner on this podcast ever. That’s why. So try a g1 and get a free bottle of vitamin d3, k2, and five free. AG, one travel packs, which are amazing, by the way, and I was just in Europe, and you better believe that I took those. AG, one travel packs with me. I 100% did so you can get five free travel packs with your first purchase at drinkAGone.com/ihaveADHD. That is a $48 value for free if you go to drink aG,one.com/ihaveADHD. Go check it out. All right.

Now Nicole has a question about home management. Let’s hear from Nicole. Hi Kristen, so great to chat with you over voicemail. This is Nicole from focus. So I wanted to get in touch because I’m always so impressed by your talking about your family life. You go to church on Sunday nights. You go to different water polos ornaments over the weekends. And I think your different children do different activities, so you keep up with that somehow, during the weekend, on the weekend, and yet you sound so relaxed about it. We’ve I’ve also asked you a question or two here and there during some of the calls about how you have dinner and how you do some of the things. And I’m wondering, how you make those things, all that coordination easy, because when you’re coordinating multiple kids, going to multiple things, and then doing nighttime activities and also getting in dinner and getting people to bed, for me, it feels kind of complicated. And I have a son who was in a few different activities last year, and then my other son, my younger son, was in maybe one or two activities, and then my older son was in two that were a couple of times a week. So it just was complicated to have dinner ready on the table and get everybody to bed on time and do all the things that needed to be done. So I’d love to hear your take on this and how you make it easy.

Thanks.

That makes me laugh. First of all, Nicole, I am so glad that you called in and listen. I don’t know why you think that it’s easy? Like, if I have made it sound easy, or given the vibe that like, Oh, I’ve got it all together, like, I apologize because I don’t, I just have embraced the chaos. Like we are going in 100 different directions at all times, from the hours of 330 to 930 it’s just the way it is. I have three kids. They’re all doing sports. My husband, like he has stuff. I have stuff. We’re all going in different directions. And it’s not that it’s easy, it’s not easy, it’s chaotic, but it’s, it’s fine. I think that, I think that we ADHD ers, and I’m curious listener, if you resonate with this, like we have this thought that it’s so easy for other people, but it’s hard for us, so we’re the we’re doing it wrong because it feels hard or because it feels complicated. And I just want to tell you, like, if you’re after school, like, if you’re a parent of school aged kids, and after school feels complicated to you, you’re doing it right. Like, there’s no easy way to do it. It’s chaos. I like, I can’t even describe the amount of trips that I make to my kids’ school in a day. It’s like back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And I just Yeah, I just embrace it.

And so I just want to invite you, Nicole, and everyone listening who feels like. Gosh, there’s got to be a better way. There’s got to be a system. I must be missing the perfect system, because this feels chaotic like, No, you’re not missing any perfect system. It’s chaos. I think the part that you’re missing is that you don’t have to feel dramatic or frustrated or anxious about it, you could just embrace it like this is my time to Uber my kids around and to make sandwiches and to eat McDonald’s on the go and to not beat myself up about it like we’re getting milkshakes. It’s fine. So much of my life has gotten so much better since I have just not been frustrated with the reality. I’m just not frustrated with it. I just don’t feel like it’s a big deal. I’m just gonna drive to this I love driving to my to the school. It’s just my favorite thing. I’ve just decided that it is my favorite thing that when my kid calls me and he’s like, I need to be picked up, that I’m like, Great, I’m coming. I’m on my way.

I love picking you up. So that’s like, the first and most important thing is like, it’s not easy, it is complicated. It’s chaotic, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be you’re not missing anything. You’re not missing the perfect system. You’re not missing the one thing that’s gonna make everything better and like, the one system that’s gonna make everybody happy. Like, no, it’s just, I think what you’re maybe missing is just the acceptance of the season of life like this is just how it feels to be a parent right now. It feels chaotic. The other thing that I will say, and Nicole, because I know you from focused, I know your kiddos are younger than mine, and when my oldest two were younger, I really didn’t do a whole lot with them. I was very averse to getting them enrolled in sports. And actually, I feel badly about that, because I really couldn’t handle I didn’t know how to drive them here and there. And I relate so much to kind of the tone of where you’re coming from, because I was just like, I don’t know how to do it.

I just don’t know how to do it. And I will say that, like, you get better at it. You just you learn like your kids are little Nicole, my kids, my oldest is 16. Now I feel like I’m a pro now, because I’ve had a couple years of figuring out, how do I pick up from soccer and drop off at water polo and like, and then like, make sure I’m at band pickup at the at the right time. I’ve had a couple years under my belt, and so I just want to encourage you that the more you do it, you will figure out what works for you and and your brain is going to kind of create that map for you. And it’s going to be like, I got you. Girl, I know what we’re doing, but when you’re first getting started, which I know your kids are littler than mine. So I feel like you’re just kind of coming into this season of life. It’s new. Your brain is just trying to figure it out. I really want to encourage you to drop perfectionism here.

There’s no perfect system. You’re not missing something. There’s no like one right way to do it. Some days you might make dinner and some days you might have cereal. My kids are so excited when I’m like, Just do whatever, make cereal for dinner. They are like, thrilled. I have to battle mom guilt about that because, like, I know they’re eating cinnamon toast crunch for dinner, and then I’m just like, Oh, my word. I know better than this, but like you just dropped the perfectionism. We are just humans in the world doing our best. There’s no perfect, right way to do it. There’s no easy way to be a parent. You just put one foot in front of the other. And lastly, I have to say, from my own experience, like my partner, my husband, he’s a true partner. I don’t do any of this alone like he does not work late. He is constantly driving the kids around. He takes responsibility. The kids are not my job. And I wonder if you could invite your partner more into that role where it’s a shared responsibility, it doesn’t have to be all on you. So maybe they’re working late, but they could still take care of dinner the day before. Like, okay, you’re going to work late, but you got to figure out what we’re eating for dinner, or something like that. Have them drive, pick up, be a part of it. I think that parenting is extremely complicated, and you single parents like you are my hero, because parenting is so complicated, and when there is a true partnership, it’s so much easier because there’s shared responsibility.

And so even if your partner is not physically present, I don’t. Know if they work late or whatever, but they can still share some of the mental load, helping you to remember when pickup is, helping you to put everything in the calendar, setting the reminders for you, invite your partner, or maybe I’m going to use a harsher word, demand that your husband is a partner in parenting your children with you. I don’t know how that’s gonna make some of you feel, because I know that’s like a whole other conversation, because some partners don’t actually want shared responsibility of the kids, and then that opens up a can of worms and like, that’s what couples counseling is for. That is what couples counseling is for. But for me, one of the reasons why it might sound like I’m totally stress free and that it’s quote, unquote easy for me, is because my husband is sharing the load. I’m not carrying this on my own. He knows when the kids stuff is. We have a calendar. He’s adding things in. I take care of water polo. He takes care of soccer. We both look at band equally, and so, like, those are obviously the three things that our kids are doing right now. Like, I’m not in the soccer app. I have no idea what is going on for Crosby soccer. No clue if Greg doesn’t coordinate it. He’s not going. Same thing with water polo.

Greg doesn’t know about water polo if I don’t coordinate it. Charlie doesn’t go. So we really share the responsibility in that way, and that’s really helpful. So if you don’t feel like you’re sharing the load at least a little bit with your partner, that is a way to make it a lot less stressful. Nicole, I’m so glad you called in, because I think you speak for so many parents who are just like, there’s got to be this perfect system. There’s got to be this, like, awesome way that I can make this so stress free and easy. And I’m just, I’m glad you called in because, my friend, there’s just not we’re just gonna embrace the chaos. We’re gonna let ourselves be messy. We’re gonna let ourselves be human. We’re gonna eat cereal for dinner. We’re going to put on a smile for our kiddos, because really, like, they’re the ones that we’re doing this for, and so being with them, connecting with them, like singing along to silly songs in the car. Like, that’s what it’s actually about, not having the perfectly clean house or the perfectly cooked meal. All right, that wraps up our call segment. Let me know what you think about this part. I would love to hear from you.

Now, if you have mean words to say, maybe don’t tell me or or, like, say it in a nice way, but like, I would love to hear if you enjoy hearing from other people, I would love for you personally to call the hotline and ask a question. I want to answer it right here on this podcast. You can call 833-281-2343, and I might answer your question here. I would love to hear from you. And also, if you missed that number because you’re like, wait, that was too fast, don’t worry, it’s in the show notes. Just go find the show notes and go call the number.

Okay, all right. So I came across this really interesting study. This is the study of the week. We’re going to do some dorky stuff. You all know that trauma is one of the things that I’m completely obsessed with. I just spent a week at Oxford University learning about trauma and trauma informed care. I’ve read a million books and studied and gotten coaching certifications in trauma because I really know from the bottom of my heart that so many of us with ADHD have struggled in this area, that we’ve grown up in families where we’ve been really mistreated in so many ways. And the study that came out recently is heartbreaking to me. It’s a study among people with ADHD, and they found that the severity of ADHD symptoms and distressed increased as ACE scores increased. Now, if you remember from a recent episode that I did on trauma, an ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse and neglect and other hallmarks of a rough childhood you might not relate to that you might not identify as someone who’s had a rough childhood. I say all the time that the title of my memoir is going to be I don’t have any trauma, and the tagline is going to be stories from a highly traumatized person with ADHD like I never thought that I had trauma until the last couple years, but the ACE quiz is a pretty reliable thing that the World Health Organization and the CDC have been using to determine how much trauma someone has experienced. I’m gonna link in the show notes for you.

Um. Um, an article from NPR, and it includes the ACE quiz so that you can, like, kind of go through and see but what’s interesting about this study is that adverse childhood experiences are associated with a range of negative health outcomes, including ADHD and neurocognitive deficits. It’s just like confirming what I already know, what we’ve already been talking about. But it’s just really disheartening. It’s so sad when research finally catches up with what we’re seeing. It’s like, the more ACE scores that you have, the more severe your ADHD is going to be. Findings underscore the association between the aces and worse symptom profiles marked by impaired neurocognitive function, increased externalizing and internalizing psychopathology and heightened perceived stress in adults with ADHD. So essentially, more research is needed, but what we know is that the severity of ADHD symptoms increases the more ACE scores that you have. So how do we flush this out practically, if you are severely ADHD, it’s highly possible that you’ve got a lot of ACE scores, and that might be something that you want to explore with a trauma informed therapist.

Frankly, I think all of us need to be seeing trauma informed therapists, but especially if you are on the severe end of ADHD. Now all of this is linked in the show notes. I have more questions than answers, and every time we talk about trauma, that’s what I say. I have so many questions. There are not a lot of answers. But I’m really glad to see that there’s a research study supporting what so many of us already know about the link between trauma and ADHD. We’re gonna end with what triggered me this week. I think that, um, there’s so much chaos on the internet, and I don’t know if you relate to the experience of just like, swipe, swipe, swipe, you’re just like scrolling, you’re scrolling, and then, bam, you get hit in the face with something that just feels so jarring and triggering. And what is concerning to me about this video in particular, I’m gonna play it for you. What’s concerning to me is I actually adore the Creator.

So Dr John deloney is someone that I’ve followed for a while. I think he’s got great insights. I appreciate what he does. I hate this. Take, roll the footage. Add. ADHD is not an illness in the medical sense, like disease or it’s not like that, okay? And it drives me bananas when people call it a medical issue. It has biological consequences, of course, but it’s not this fixed, inherited brain disorder. And I took that line from the great Dr mate. Here’s the easiest way I can explain it. ADHD is the way some bodies respond to chaos. You being raised as a young girl by basically grown up teenagers. Yeah, some people’s bodies would respond to that by shutting the system down. Some people’s bodies would respond to that by overstimulation. Some people’s bodies would feel that deeply. Just so happens that your body responds to it with chaos, everything all at once.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Um, love Dr John deloney. Respect his work, but like, what are you doing? I cannot. I cannot with this. First of all, we just had a conversation. Yes, I understand trauma Complex PTSD. I understand that we’re learning so much more about the origins of ADHD, but we do not know at this point if trauma is the cause of ADHD. Now, Gabor Monte, 100% believes that trauma causes ADHD but there are a lot of professionals, ADHD experts, that have done so much research, that are convinced that this is a neurodevelopmental disorder that is inherited in families. And I feel like I’m kind of stuck in the middle of these two worlds. I feel like Russell Barkley is on one side and Gabor Mate is on the other side. You know, like the, well, I don’t want to say Devil and Angel, because that’s kind of rude, but like the two sides. Polling where Russell Barkley is like, trauma has nothing to do with ADHD and Gabor Mate is like, genetics has nothing to do with ADHD and like, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But what I’m triggered by is the fact that someone like John deloney is going to be so dismissive of this woman’s ADHD and just say, uh, it’s not really a medical condition. You don’t even need to worry. I mean, implied you don’t even need to worry about it. It’s not even it’s just like growing up in chaos. That’s all it is.

What that does is it dismisses the severity of the diagnosis. ADHD is serious. We need to take it seriously. We need to treat it seriously. And sure, you can borrow some stuff from Gabor Mate. He’s great, but he’s also not well respected in the ADHD community. Like Russell Barkley is not a fan of Gabor Monte. We’re not going to look at gabrie for all of our answers to ADHD questions. Do you know I’m saying and like a week ago, I was sitting in a room with Gabor Mate. That’s how much I respect his work, but I am not in favor of saying, oh, ADHD is just a result of growing up in chaos, as if that implies we don’t need a diagnosis, we don’t need treatment, we don’t need to take care of it. We don’t even need to really worry about it, because it’s just like this little thing that doesn’t even matter. Do you hear the dismissive nature? The dismissive tone, I am not here for it. So triggered by it. So triggering.

Here’s what I want to say, when we come across things on the internet, we need to be real careful and weigh it against what we know has been studied and tested by experts. If, if, if we get to the point where there’s consensus, and we can say, Listen, ADHD is 100% caused by trauma. If there are more people that are going to get on that bandwagon, and there’s more research, and we have more information, sure, but even in those instances, I do not appreciate the dismissive tone. I do not appreciate the minimizing, the dismissing, the making it sound like, Oh, it’s just like, not a big deal. You don’t even need to worry about it. Cut it out with that. I am not here for it.

Listener, you deserve to be taken seriously and not dismissed, and so make sure the content that you’re consuming is validating your diagnosis, is encouraging you to get support, is empowering you to reach out for resources that are going to be helpful to you. Because when we encounter people, especially people with such a huge following and so much power that are dismissive of the diagnosis that does nothing good for our community, and I’m not here for it. We’re ending on a spicy note. I’m going to see you next week. I can’t wait Bye. Bye.

A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation, you know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with, I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out, and then I created focused for you. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will too go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all details you.