Kristen Carder

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristin Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you’re listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, way over caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. I’m telling you, I’ve had way too much caffeine. This episode is going to be a doozy. I hope that you can hold on tight and stay with me. This is part two of how we adult ADHD ers can create new, healthy, enough, healthy ish friendships in our lives. And I feel a little high from the caffeine. I’m not the type of ADH deer that can have caffeine, copious amounts of caffeine, and like go to sleep and not be affected by it. I know that there are people like you out there, people like that who have ADHD, consume so much caffeine and are completely unbothered. That is not me. It’s probably related to why I don’t take a stimulant medication for my ADHD. It actually makes me a little loopy, a little bit too anxious, and that’s kind of where I am right now. I got myself a little iced coffee this afternoon, and I am telling you, it put me over the edge. It put me over the edge. So hang on tight. Let’s do this together. We are all in it together.

We are going to continue our conversation about how adults with ADHD can create new friendships? How we can create new friendships that are healthy? Ish, healthy enough, maybe a little bit more healthy than the friendships that we are currently in. Now, in last week’s episode, we went pretty deep, and we talked about why friendships are so hard for us, ADHD or so, we talked about the different symptoms. We talked about, just like the struggles that we have in creating friendships, and so much of that is related to our ADHD. Then we talked about red flags, like what to look for as a red flag in a friendship. And also, are you the red flag, which I know sometimes you are because I am as well. Like we’re just human. So when you figure out that you’re the red flag, how to improve that we talked about that last week. We talked about looking for green flags in new friendships, like, what do we need to do? What do we want to look for? Remember green flags include they respect your time and energy. They listen as much as they talk. They encourage and support you, rather than compete with you. There’s not competition. You don’t feel like you have to hide your wins. They don’t guilt trip you. They are consistent. You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You know what to expect from them. Those are huge things that we want to look for in our friendships. And then we talked about, where to find these peeps.

How do we go ahead and find them? Like, what do we do for so many of us? Like, we’re isolated, we’re working from home. We are struggling to go out. It’s winter. Well, it’s not winter right now, but like, winter just is ending, and we’re kind of maybe coming out of hibernation, and like, realizing, oh my gosh, I’m not interacting with people very much. I want to encourage you that like face to face, in person, interaction matters, so let’s make it a priority. Shall we? Let’s make it a priority. So we talked about all of those things in last week’s episode. It’s episode number 309, and I highly recommend that if this is a topic of interest for you, that you go ahead, find that episode and listen to it, because it’s going to be really important. Today, we’re going to talk about two aspects of friendship that we need to keep in mind as we are creating these new friendships, as we are building our village, brick by brick by brick. What do we need to keep in mind? And here’s the first thing that I want to talk about today, and that is, it’s really, really important that we are willing to go slowly.

Trust is built over time. Now. ADH, dears, we tend to emotionally speed run friendships, we can often get really excited. We have this ability to hyper focus, which actually just talked about in a recent episode. Sometimes our hyper focus can be a task or a project that we’re working on, but sometimes it’s a person, and when we meet a shiny new object, when we do find someone that we think, Oh, my. Gosh, this could be a friend. This could be my new BFF, or my new my new person.

We tend to go really all in which, on one hand, is endearing and it’s adorable, but I want to remind you that that’s a very childlike approach to friendships and you are an adult. I’m not saying that to demean you. I’m not saying that to dismiss a really endearing quality about you, but I am saying that it should be regulated, that that’s something that we need to take into consideration and really make sure that we are regulating because we don’t want to share too much too soon. We don’t want to bond with the wrong people. We don’t want to be connected and kind of like entangled with people before we’re willing to give the relationship a little time so that we can test out the green flags and the red flags. Remember, every human comes with green flags and red flags, including me, including you, but we want to give the person that we are getting to know time to show us who they are.

Maya Angelou, I’m sure that you’ve heard her say this. It’s one of her most popular phrases, and it is when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And as people with ADHD, we often tend to give others the benefit of the doubt to a fault. And I want to just invite all of us to go slowly as we make friends. Don’t jump in too fast. Don’t share too much, too soon. Give the people in your life the new people that you’re meeting when you’re going out and you’re maybe joining a local meetup, or you’re joining a hobby group, or you’ve joined an adult like sports team, again, I’m so jealous of you athletes. I’m so jealous like, I wish I could join just like an adult sports team, but I am the most unathletic person on the planet, and that’s just not for me. That’s not in the cards for me, but some sort of maybe artistic group or something like that. When you find someone that you think, oh my gosh, we’re making a connection. This is so great. I feel like there’s a vibe here. I feel like there’s some reciprocity here.

This is wonderful. Allow it to go slowly. Give just a little bit. See if it’s reciprocated. Pace yourself. So here are a couple tips on how to pace yourself. I want you to think about a new friendship like a video game. You don’t unlock the whole game, the all of the levels right away, like you don’t unlock everything at level one. You want to unlock things, level by level by level by level. Let trust be built gradually for yourself and for the other person. Let’s not jump all in right away. We’re just gonna test the waters. We’re gonna have fun. That doesn’t mean don’t have fun. I’m not saying don’t have fun. We’re gonna hang out. I’m not saying don’t hang out, but I am saying Be cautious about what you share right away. Share in layers. Start with some light topics at first, go slowly and let the conversation deepen over time. And by time, I mean months. Sorry. I know for those of you who are impatient like myself, that the idea of it taking months or even years can be just like, wait. What? No, I want connection now.

I want a BFF now. I want it to be close now, but I want you to just take a moment of reflection, and we did this in the last episode as well. Just take a moment of reflection and think about, has that gone well for you in the past, when you’ve shared a lot right away. Has it gone well for you, or has it caused some issues? Did you maybe become too close too soon, to people who eventually showed themselves to be untrustworthy or unkind or inconsistent with the energy that they bring to the table? So again, I really encourage you to share in layers, starting with light topics during a little bit at a time. I like to just joke that I let a little bit of the crazy out slowly, little bit at a time, because we all know that Kristen Carter is just she’s a little wild. She’s got a lot to say about a lot of things. I’m going to let that out a little bit at a time. I’m going to drip it out. I’m going to test the waters. Is it reciprocated? Is it received? Is there trust? Do I feel like they are like nodding along with me, but secretly judging me in their head? Right? I want to test the waters, so drip out the content little by little and check for reciprocity. See if the other person is opening up in return. Okay, if they’re not, like, if they are not also sharing a kind of, like, an equal amount of personal information equal ish, whenever I say equal, I always feel like to qualify it. It doesn’t have to be exact, but just like, notice, are they also sharing as well. Is there reciprocity? If not? Take that as a sign to slow down. And I think this is excellent advice. So like lean in, turn up the volume, because I think this is really important. Have a pre share checklist. Here’s what I mean by that, before spilling your heart out, ask yourself, have they earned this level of trust?

And I would even go so far as to say, make a list of things that you’re going to wait to share with someone. This might take some specific, intentional reflection on your part before you go out with a new friend. Okay, I’m going to share x, y, z. I’m going to share this. This is what I’m comfortable sharing. But I’m not going to share these things over here yet, because I need to give time. I need to let the relationship blossom a little bit. I need to wait and see who this person really is. My kids, I have two teenagers, and they’ve started dating. So they are dating here and there. Neither of them are seeing anybody at this particular time, but they are of age to begin dating, and both of them have had a couple of relationships with girls at school, and it’s been lovely, but it’s always come to a point where they have broken up, because obviously, that’s what you do in high school. You date people, and then you break up.

One of the conversations that I continually have with my boys as they date girls is I say, hey, it is totally normal and natural to date people and then kind of see who they are, and once like the novelty wears off, if you are, if you don’t feel like you’re compatible, it’s totally fine to break up. It’s also totally fine for the other person to break up with you, because as you get to know someone, as you spend time together, you’re like, everyone’s gonna break up, or they’re gonna get married, right? Like, or they’re gonna, like, commit to a long term partnership. Like, that’s just how it works. Like, either you commit to a long term partnership or you break up. That’s just how dating works, and that there’s not a problem there. So it’s okay to get to know each other and then part ways if you feel like you’re not compatible.

I hope that what I’m doing for my kids is kind of releasing them of the pressure of like this has to work out, and I kind of want to do that with us, with you, with me, regarding our friendships as well, we might meet someone and have an instant connection, but as we get to know them, we realize like, Oh, we’re really not values aligned. This friendship is probably not going to be one of those deep, connected friendships. That’s okay. Can they be just a fun friend? If so, great. If not, that’s okay, too. All we’re doing, like, if we could treat finding friends kind of like dating, where it’s like, I’m going to meet someone, I’m going to see if I have a connection with them. I’m going to give them a little bit of information, here and there and here and there.

I’m going to see how they react. I’m going to see if it’s reciprocated. I’m going to see if we continually are aligned enough, not that we have to be the same people and have the exact same values, but like are we? Is there a connection here? It is very similar to dating, and if there is, then the friendship deepens and the friendship continues, and you continue to share and receive information from the other person as well. But if it’s not, if you notice like, Oh, they’re kind of being a jerk. Oh, they’re judging me. Oh, my body gets really nervous around them. I feel really anxious. I don’t like the way that we’re acting with each other, or I don’t like the way that they’re crossing boundaries, or something like that, like that, that’s important information. When people show you who they are, believe them. And I just really encourage you to like believe them the first or second time. Don’t make them tell you 100 times who they are before you start believing them. It’s okay to believe them the first or second time. I like to know in advance what I’m going to share with people. There are a couple topics off limits with people who are not my very closest people.

For me, it’s like politics. I’m not going to talk about politics with any. Joe Schmo, it’s. Too crazy of a topic right now, it is too like it’s too heated, unless you are a bestie. Bestie, I’m just not going to do it. It’s just not, it’s just not, it’s just not worth the emotional labor, in my opinion, for me, this is for me, you might have a totally different list. I’m also not going to talk about my family of origin, that’s just something that’s a topic that is really precious to my heart. I’ve done a lot of work in that area. That’s a topic that’s totally off limits for people until we have made a true, true connection. I’m not going to talk about my kids neuro diversity for a little while, until I feel like you can hold that with care. There’s just like certain topics that are off limits when it comes to fun and casual friends. Fun and casual friends are important, so I’m not diminishing that role. We need fun and casual friends, but we also need to know what we’re going to share with them and what we’re going to keep to ourselves. And so making sure that you go slowly and you allow trust to be built over time is super important.

It’s normal and natural and just wonderful. It actually feels great to be excited about a new friendship or a potential friendship. So like, you meet someone, and you’re like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I think this might be a new friend. And again, I’m going to relate it to dating. It’s a similar feeling, right? You’re like, Could this be the one? Could this person be a friend? Could this person really be the one? But just remember, good friends are built over time. It’s not going to happen in a day or a week or a month, it’s just not because anybody can fake it for a short amount of time. We want to give people time to show us who they are. We want to give people time and if they are continually showing you that they’re trustworthy, that there can be mutuality in the relationship, that they are a safe person to be around, that you can rely on them, that you know what to expect when, when you call them or text them, that’s those are good green flags. Proceed. Go for it, continue to build that relationship.

But if you’re noticing red flaggery, which I love that term, if you’re noticing red flaggery, if they’re criticizing you or belittling you or being really judgmental of other people, constantly, red flag if the friendship is always feeling one sided, like there, there’s not mutuality, there’s not back and forth. That’s a red flag if they don’t respect your boundaries, or they get upset with you constantly, or you’re always the problem, or you’re not allowed to say no, or you have to abandon yourself to keep the relationship with them. Red Flag, if they drain your energy. Red flag, not that. I mean, socializing sometimes strains our energy, right? But I’m talking about, you know, human vampires that, like suck the energy out of you, that suck the joy and the happiness out of you, that, like, when you leave your exhausted, that’s an indicator that you’ve been around a vampire. We want to be around people who are uplifting and fulfilling, who we can feel encouraged by that we feel like they’re pouring into us in a way that feels really kind. Here is my test of friendship and anybody. I don’t know if anybody in my real life ever listens to this podcast, but here’s the test for me. Wow, I can’t believe I’m going to share this when I meet someone new, I have a very easy test to see if this has potential for me. The test is, do they ask me any questions? Do they ask me any questions about me, about my life, about my kids, about my experience? I’m just going to go ahead and say, you know, like I was groomed and raised to be a therapist. I was groomed to learn how to hold space for people from a young age, that was my role. That was my role in my family. It was my role as a youth pastor’s wife, which I loved. It’s now my role as a pastor’s wife, and I love that role. It’s my role as a coach. I love that role. I want to ask questions about other people. I want to hold space for them.

I am really good at that. Okay, how do I know if someone can be a friend to me? Do they ask me any questions? Do they want to know about me? Do they want to know about my experience? Do they want to know about my life, and not in an information digging way? You know? You know the difference, but in a way where they’re just, like, curious about me, and they they just want to know about my life. So immediately, this, for me, is a test of, is that, is it possible that this person might be a friend? So if I have a conversation with someone, or, like, go out to coffee with someone, or meet someone, and we’re having, like, a longer than five minute conversation, if the conversation is longer than five minutes and I have asked them five questions, and they have not asked me one question. For me personally, that is an immediate indicator of this is a really nice person. They’re great to be around. They’re not going to be a friend, because for me, a friend reciprocates. For me a friend, there’s a mutual back and forth, there’s a give and take, there is a show and tell on both sides. I wonder for you, what is an indicator that someone has the potential to be a friend?

What’s that indicator for you? Like, do you have any of those kind of sure fire or shortcut ways to figure out? Does this person have potential? Not saying that like anyone who asks me a question is immediately promoted to the level of, you know, to to the role of friend in my life. But that’s how I figure out. Is there potential here should I continue to pursue? Is there potential Should I continue to pursue for me, that’s what it is.

Does the person ask me any questions. Now, it’s inappropriate to expect, like a coaching client to ask me a question. I never expect that of them. That’s inappropriate. It’s inappropriate for me to expect my kids or like even just like someone at church, like when I go to church, I’m in the role of, I want to be a supportive, lovely giver. I want to be in my role of pastor’s wife and ministry supporter. Happy to do it. Love to do it. I also need friends. So when I am vibing with people, I am figuring out, are they interested in me, or are they just enjoying me being interested in them. So I wonder if this makes you think, uh oh, I don’t know if I really show interest in other people I’ve experienced, and I often hear from ADHD ers that they tend to listen with the intent to respond, rather than just listening, because they care and they’re curious about the other people, like the person talking. So the fast moving ADHD brain can mean that we often interrupt with our own stories, or we finish people’s sentences. I am so guilty of this, or we get distracted and we lose track of what’s being said. Like, Wait, where am I? What are we talking about? We can zone out and miss key details. And if that’s you, I have no judgment of you, and I don’t want you to judge yourself.

So if you need to just give yourself a hug and be like, Ooh, I think maybe I do this, go ahead, give yourself a little squeeze. It’s important that you notice it’s so good that you’re realizing this. The awareness is everything. If you think that you are someone that struggles to show interest in other people because of just how fast your brain is moving, I have some tips for you. Okay, I want you to start to get curious. I want you to throw your brain’s attention on the other person. Your brain is working overtime. It’s going 100 miles an hour. Put that energy on the other person. Get curious about the other person. Get curious. Curiosity is the best, best, best, and most ADHD ers do not lack in curiosity. The problem is we’re not regulating our curiosity. So while there’s someone in front of us talking, we’re allowing our curiosity to kind of dabble in other topics. And what I am encouraging you to do is try to use your brain’s engine, your Ferrari engined brain on the person in front of you.

Can you put your curiosity onto that person who’s in front of you? This is why I love interviewing people, because I am very curious. I want to know more. I want to know more. I’m I just I want to know all the things, if you can develop this for the other person and develop a curiosity that’s going to serve you so well, taking care of your health isn’t always easy, especially for those of us with ADHD. Okay, we struggle to cook, we struggle to remember to eat. We struggle to plan meals. The executive function involved is just off the charts. But AG, one makes it so much more simple. That’s why, for the last several years, I’m talking two years, I’ve been drinking, AG, one every day, pretty much, no exceptions, which is saying a lot for me. That is saying a lot for Kristin Carter, who is generally pretty inconsistent, especially with eating healthy. It’s just one scoop mixed in water once a day, every day, and it makes me feel so much better.

I wake up, I head straight to the cabinet. It takes me, like, 60 to 90 seconds. My kids watch me do it, because it’s like first thing in the morning, and they watch me in my robe with my messy top knot. I’m just, like, scooping the Ag one. They turn up their nose, and I just say, like, listen, it might look gross to you, but it is so easy. It’s such an easy way to support my health. So I’m not not gonna do it. I’ve got to let you know that I have had other wellness companies reach out to me and ask me to try their products and ask me to be a sponsor. And I just don’t like anything as much as I like ag one. I’m just not gonna do anybody else. So this is, like, the most genuine sponsorship ever. Each serving of ag one delivers my dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics and more. It’s a powerful habit, and it’s powerfully simple, which is why I’m able to do it every day. You might be wondering like, how do you know for sure that AG one is a quality product? And that matters a lot to me, because if I’m going to do something, if I’m going to make the effort, you better believe I’m going to make sure that it’s worthwhile. But I know that with ag one, I’m giving my body high quality nutrition. Every batch of ag one goes through a rigorous testing process so that you know it’s safe, and the ingredients are sourced for absorption, potency and nutrition density. So if there’s one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it would be ag one 100% and not the other products that people have tried to send me, literally, they send me products I’m just like, it’s just not ag one. That’s why I partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with ag one, try. Ag one and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3, k2, and five free. Ag one, travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drink. Ag one.com/i, have ADHD. That’s drink. Ag one.com/i, have ADHD. Go check it out. There are also some other like tips and techniques that you can use so you can try to establish a wait time.

Mindful breathing is going to really help with this, if you can just connect to your breath while someone else is talking and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, and maybe even count in your head while you’re listening. And try to really pay attention, but mindfully breathe and connect to the present. I am here, I am listening. I am here. I am listening. You will you will be someone that people want to be around because of your listening skills, you will be someone that people want to tell things to because of your ability to listen, if you can also try to develop the skill of reflecting back to the person like what They are saying so like, instead of replying with your own experience, try to summarize what they said first. Like, wow, that sounds frustrating. That seems like that was really hard. Tell me more, if you could just get curious about them. Why was that hard for you? That must have been really excruciating, or that sounds so exciting. Tell me everything. If you can think of a question to ask when someone says a sentence, if you can have a question there, and maybe your brain is like, listen, I do not, I do not consent, maybe your brain on the spot kind of goes to concrete.

That’s okay. Could you have a couple questions that you prepare in advance that you always kind of follow up with? So like, wow. How did that make you feel? Okay? That’s like a very coachy therapy question. Maybe that’s just a little too much here. Here’s another example, wow. What was that like? What was that like for you? That’s an easy one. That’s not a therapy one, right? Or, how did you handle that? That’s a good question.

Okay, so have a couple questions in your back pocket. So. To speak that you are kind of prepping to ask, as someone is sharing their story, instead of thinking about something else, instead of thinking about your own experience, instead of thinking about the next thing you’re going to say, think about, what can I get curious about? What can I ask a question about? Okay, using visual cues can also be extremely helpful. So that would include like nodding along, making eye contact if you’re comfortable with it. Eye contact is everything if you’re comfortable, if you’re not comfortable with it, don’t do it. But what I would encourage you to do is say, I really struggle with making eye contact. So I might seem like I’m not listening, but I promise you that I am. That’s easy to say. It’s also really generous of you to tell them something that you’re struggling with, but that you care about them. Hey, I’m I don’t really make eye contact very much, but I am hearing what you’re saying. I am retaining it. I used to force one of my kiddos to make eye contact with me. This is one of my parenting fails. I feel so badly until I realized that he’s not comfortable with eye contact, and he actually remembers things better and retains information more aptly.

I don’t even know if that’s the right way to say it. He retains so much more information if he’s not making eye contact. And so what I am trying to teach him is to say to people, I don’t like making eye contact, but I promise you I’m listening. That’s easy. Just say it. Who cares? I encourage you to do something like that, along with the visual cues, like saying to show that you’re like engaging, I I’ve actually gotten this as a review on the podcast that I vocalize too much as someone else is talking and listen, I’m sorry, not sorry about that. When someone else is sharing a story, I am in it with them. That is a technique that I’ve practiced over and over and over and over, being in someone else’s story, if you can also practice that, jumping into someone else’s story with them and being like, Wow, that’s crazy. Uh huh, yeah. And just like giving those vocal cues that like I’m with you, that can be so helpful, and it also helps your brain to know what’s important. This is what we’re focusing on right now.

This is what we care about right now. Okay, next up, if you can hold your thought, if an idea pops into your head while they’re talking, if you can hold that thought, that’s going to be a valuable skill set for you. I think that what we do as ADHD ers is we get really scared that we’re going to forget the thing. We get really scared that we’re going to forget the idea, and so we want to get it out as soon as possible. And this will often lead us to hijack conversations because someone else is talking, and we have an idea, and we’re like, oh my gosh, this is the best idea. I’ve got to share it with you. And so we hijack the conversation and we interrupt, I just want to go on record saying, once in a while, that’s totally fine, like, you be your ADHD self, and you pop in there and you say stuff, and that’s that can be fine, but if it’s happening all of the time, that can be really tiresome to be on the receiving end of it can be really, really tiresome.

And that’s not necessarily something that we have to expect somebody else to accept about us. So I’m not necessarily going to expect my friend to just accept that. I’m going to interrupt them and hijack the conversation about my own thoughts all of the time. It’s going to happen once in a while. I don’t want it to happen a lot. And if it does happen, I really want to be intentional to circle back. Okay, you were saying X, Y, Z, go. Sorry. I interrupted you. I just, I had to, but, like, I still want to hear your thing. So go a lot of times. And this is not, this is not everybody, but a lot of times ADHD ers are guilty of dominating conversations because our brains are going really fast. We’re very creative. Some of us, we have lots of different ideas. We want to go in a lot of different directions. And we can be really guilty of dominating conversations that can be really endearing and sweet and lovely and good, but it can also be taxing on a friendship, because if we’re not also holding space for the other person, and what does holding space mean? That’s a coachy therapy. Word holding space means making room and being interested and curious and having a space where the other person can show up, where we’re interested about them, we’re. They can share their stuff where we are asking questions and getting curious. That is so important. If we’re not able to do that, then it can be really draining if we’re constantly hijacking conversations so parking your thought. And here’s something that I here’s something that I do in my own brain, and I’ve been doing this work for a while, so just keep that in mind. But something that I do in my own brain is like, is this worth hijacking the conversation for?

Sometimes I have an idea or a thought, it’s not worth it. It’s not really that interesting. It doesn’t really matter that much. It’s is that I can just let it go and forget about it. And if it’s super important, it’ll resurface. But if it’s not, it’s fine, because what’s most important is the person in front of me, who’s talking, who’s sharing, who I’m interested in and curious about.

Okay, the last one, which I think I’ve already talked about, is ask more, share less. Challenge yourself to ask one more question before sharing your own experience. Challenge yourself. I am telling you as someone who only has a couple friends, because there are so few people who are willing to be interested and ask questions about me. I challenge you to be a question asker, get curious. Show people that you’re interested in them. Show people that you care by asking a question. So someone says something, blah, blah blah blah blah blah. They share something instead of now, you sharing something, instead of that, you just ask one question first. Oh, what was that like?

Oh, how was that? Oh, tell me everything. I mean, like, I don’t know. I’m blanking on questions right now. That’s probably the caffeine talking, because I’m a little high on caffeine right now. But prepping yourself in advance. Okay, after somebody says a sentence, I’m going to ask one question before I share my own experience. If other questions come to mind, I will happily continue to ask questions. If they don’t, no biggie. I’m going to share my experience. I remember this was years ago, I’m talking 20 years ago. I was brand new to the area. We were attending a really large church, and at that time, the church was predominantly people in their 30s, 40s and older, and I was in my early 20s, so there were so few people my age. And I met this one girl, she was my age, she was married, we had a couple things in common, and I knew her sister in law randomly. And I was like, oh my like, distantly, went to college with her sister in law. And I was like, Oh my gosh, we could be friends, right? So I had that initial like, oh my gosh, there might be a connection here. That initial like, Oh baby, this could be it. We went out for coffee. We sat at Starbucks for an hour and a half. She talked about herself the whole time she she talked about herself the whole time. She did not ask me one question about my life, not even one question. And even at the teeny, tiny baby age of 23, years old, I was so little, was just a tiny baby, I knew this isn’t gonna work out.

This isn’t gonna work out if you can go to coffee for an hour and a half and not ask me one question. There’s no way that this relationship is going to be a friendship. There’s just, there’s, it’s impossible. And I have used that wisdom from 23 year old me, that little Wonderful, well intentioned, highly ADHD version of me, who was under treated and under supported and blah, blah, blah, you’ve already heard all the things about about 23 year old me. I’ve used her wisdom over the last 20 years to just show me, Is there potential here? Is there potential? If we talk for an hour and a half and a half and you don’t ask me one question, there’s no potential. So I wonder for you, are you someone who shows interest in other people? Is there a balance between the questions? Are you able to get curious? Can you show someone else that you’re interested? That’s important. That’s so important. And are people doing that for you? Is there an equal enough back and forth? It’s not always going to be equal. It’s not ever going to be balanced. But is there just a give and take of some sort, a good enough give and take there? That’s so. So important, ADHD ers struggle to be good listeners, and I get it. I get it, but if we can develop a curiosity about other people, that’s gonna serve us in creating new connections and new friends. Okay, so to wrap it all up, making friends as an adult with ADHD is hard, 100% but it is not impossible. Okay, so you want to begin to set intentions. You want to begin to, just like make it your mission to find some new friends.

And while you’re doing that, you want to be aware of red flags to look out for, and you want to look for green flags, and you want to allow people to show you who they are. So you want to have enough opportunities where you’re in each other’s presence, or you’re texting back and forth, or whatever that might look like, and you’re allowing people, you’re giving time and space for them to just reveal themselves, and you might love everything you see, and that’s amazing. Or you might start to see things and be like, Okay, I don’t actually think that this is going to be a compatible friendship, and that’s totally fine. Or it might be a 5050, situation, where you’re like, I see some good and I see some I see some green flags and I see some red flags. Most people are a mixed bag, myself included, most people are a mix of some green and some red, and that’s okay. We’re not looking for perfection. We ADHD ers do tend to be perfectionists. We want to be perfect friends, and we want our friends to be perfect. We’ve got to allow for some humanity. We’ve got to allow for things to not go well.

We don’t have to hold people to a super, super high standard, and we don’t have to hold ourselves to a super high standard. But we do want this, like, I’m going to say it again, reciprocity. We do want to be able to see good and feel good around people, there should definitely be more good than red flagry, and the red flags that we see shouldn’t be deal breakers. You and I, we’ve got to figure out what our deal breaker red flags are. This goes for dating too. This is why it’s like, it’s so similar to dating. It’s like, every buddy that you date, there’s definitely going to be red flags, but are these red flags that I can live with? Are these red flags that the other person is willing to work on? Are these red flags that kind of make or break the relationship, or are they just, like, no big deal? And those are the kinds of questions we have to ask ourselves about our friends. I really encourage you. Remember, last week we talked about being a villager. If you want to have a village, you’ve got to be willing to be a villager. You’ve got to be willing to, like, build your village, brick by brick, slowly over time, you’ve got to be willing to invest you’ve got to be willing to invite people over and put yourself out there, and the worst thing ever, you’ve got to be willing to be a little vulnerable. That’s so hard, it’s so hard, but it is so necessary.

Go slowly, pace yourself. Good friendships take time. Good friendships take time. I wonder, what is one step? What’s one step that you want to take toward cultivating new friendships? Do you want to figure out, like a new thing, that you can do, a new community, that you can join, or maybe you want to take advantage of the communities that you’re already in, but you’re not really fully participating in. So for example, I’m using a church example, because that’s my own experience, and that’s that’s just the world view that I come from. So at church, there are often opportunities for us to go beyond just the Sunday morning. So there might be an opportunity for a small group, or there might be an opportunity for a meetup, or there might be opportunity to, like, serve here and there, and those are the times where you’re like, Oh, I’m in this community, but I’m not really taking advantage of like, being a part of it at a deeper level. Now, you might not even go to church, and that is totally fine, but like, what is that for you? Maybe you’re a teacher at a school and there are opportunities for teachers to connect, but you’re not really taking advantage of that, because you’ve told yourself, like, I’m too tired, which is valid, because, like, teachers work really hard, but maybe there are opportunities within the community that you’re already placed in that you can take advantage of. That won’t require you to create a brand new space, that, being said, there might not be, you might not have that space, and so creating a brand new space for yourself could be the only option. And. That’s okay, too. Can you find someone in a community Facebook group? Can you join Bumble BFF? Can you connect with a meetup or a walking group or a hiking group or a running group or a hockey team or an adult softball team or something like that, where you’re going around people that like the same things that you like. Is there, like a dog walking group or like something, you know what I’m saying? Get creative. Get creative.

Do a quick Google. What are the groups in my area? What are the fun things to do in my area? What do people in their 30s do in my area, or whatever age bracket you’re in? All right, my friends. My final thoughts here are that friendships are really important, and they can be really complicated and hard. And if this is a point of struggle for you, I just want to give you a hug and say me too. This is really difficult, and I am in this like weird balance of I do have two really solid friends, and I’m so grateful for them, and I can’t rely on just these two people to meet all of my friendship needs. The person that I am, I know that I need a deeper bench, and so that’s something that I’m really prioritizing and trying to be intentional about this year is creating a deeper bench. One of the ways I’m doing that, I do have a friend far away, not in America, who I adore, and we talk nearly every day. It’s not the same as having someone that you’re sitting across from, but sending voice notes back and forth and being there for each other and creating that connection and friendship that’s working that it’s been a such a blessing to me, but I also know I want to create a deeper bench in person. So what might that look like for me? That’s something that I’m going to be working on. I encourage you to work on it as well.

You Deserve friendship just because you’ve messed up in the past, maybe you’ve screwed some things up, maybe you’ve accidentally let go of friendships that were really meaningful to you. That doesn’t mean that you have to punish yourself and not create connections. Moving forward, you can still create good, healthy friendships moving forward with your new found self with this new version of you, you’re not the same person that you were 10 years ago, you’re not the same person that you were five years ago. Let this version of you have an opportunity to create new friends. I’m cheering for you, and I’m gonna see you next week. Bye, bye.

Hey, ADHDer, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focus. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes, alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more.