Kristen Carder 0:05
Foreign Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and 100% ready to roll.

How are you come in. Come in. Get cozy. What are you doing? Do you need a snack? Do you need a drink? Don’t forget that water is a thing. ADHD er, for the next hour ish, we are going to be diving into the topic of moving from low functioning to high functioning in our ADHD journey. And let me tell you, it’s gonna be a ride as always. It’s a solo show. Buckle up roller coaster as usual. We’re gonna have fun today as we get started. I just wanted to say something that I feel like is really relevant, and I just wanna get the word out as a PSA, I actually scroll past every single Instagram reel that’s like, I don’t need to. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but like that, to me, is the most annoying opening, like one liner, so I’m not gonna say it, but like, truly, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but somebody needs to hear that. If you are experimenting and like, on a medication journey and you you take stratera, it’s gonna give you a bellyache if you don’t eat first. I know this is the most random, random, like opener to the pod that I’ve ever done, but somebody needs to hear this. I have heard from so many people recently who are on a medication journey and who have tried stratera, and they’re like, I can’t take it because it hurts my belly. And I just want to say, Guys, you have to eat first. I don’t know why it’s not on the bottle. I don’t know why our doctors are not telling us, but if you are on a med journey and you do notice that taking stratera makes your belly feel like you’re like, eight weeks pregnant.

It feels exactly like that. It feels like waking up and you’re eight weeks pregnant and you’re like, am I going to vomit? Question mark. That’s exactly how it feels. You get a hot flash, and you’re like, uh Oh, listen, you gotta eat first. So I just, I need the world to know. And like, can we just spread the word? Because for some reason this is not widely known, and maybe it won’t work for you, but for everyone that I’ve given this advice to, it has worked for them. Take it on a full belly. Y’all, stratara, take it on a full belly. Stratara, if you don’t know, it’s a non stimulant, and it is one of the oldest medications used for ADHD treatment. So it’s been around for decades and decades, and it’s been heavily studied. It’s been well researched. And as far as non stimulants go, it’s a great little med for the ADHD brain. It really helps with emotional regulation and other ADHD symptoms. So anyway, I just needed to get that out there. I needed, like, at least 20,000 people in the world to, like, understand and hear it, and just like, spread the word if you’re on a med journey, if your doctor suggests stratera For you, for your kid. I just had a mom reach out to me this week saying, like, my kids on ADHD medicine and it hurts their belly. And I was like, I know I knew exactly what better was. I’m like, because that’s just exactly what happens. So anyway, that’s just a word to the wise. Like I said, it’s going to be a ride. Today. We’re going to be talking about going from low functioning through medium functioning, like mid functioning, into high functioning with ADHD, and I feel like I am uniquely positioned to have this conversation with you, and so I hope that you feel really supported and surrounded as we discuss This, because I’ve been at this for more than 20 years. I’ve been at this ADHD journey for more than 20 years, and I know that a lot of you listening to the pod, a lot of you finding this podcast, are new to the ADHD space. You’re new to your diagnosis, you’re new to this journey, and you’re just like, ah, like, what do I do? How, other than medication, like, what can I do? How do people with ADHD get to the point where they’re able to set goals and accomplish things and and design a life that works for them? And so I’ve been at this for 20 plus years. I was diagnosed around age 2021, And I don’t actually remember which checks out for the ADHD experience. I always say I was diagnosed at 21 but like, I think I was, I’m pretty sure I was, it was, like it was, it was, it was around there. So anyway, 2021 I’m now 44 I just had a wonderful birthday. Thank you so much. Happy birthday to me. I am squarely in my mid 40s, which feels interesting that it feels real, real interesting. But suffice it to say, I’ve been at this for more than 20 years, and I believe that I have moved through the stages of ADHD pretty predictably, and I am now at a place, after 20 plus years where I am very high functioning, I still have ADHD. I’m still medicated and treated for it. I still have to set my life up in a way that’s really specific to my needs.

But because I’ve been able to do that, I am what I would consider high functioning. With ADHD, I feel really confident that I’m able to do pretty much whatever I want to do. Now I’m very specific about what I want to do and don’t want to do, but I’m I’m really confident and self assured. I have a lot of self trust, and I just believe like, hey, if I want to go do x, y, z, I have the ability to do it, whereas 20 years ago, that was absolutely not the case. And so here’s my hope for today. My hope for today is that I’m able to share with you 10 steps to move from lower functioning into higher functioning with ADHD, and that it doesn’t take you 20 years, because you’ve got the steps like nobody laid the steps out for me 20 years ago, but I am here with them for you, so that you can speed up the process for yourself, so that it can take you just A couple years, so that we’re not looking to span two decades to move you from low functioning to high functioning, that it will just take a little bit of time now. ADHD, or you’re gonna have to hang with me. You’re gonna have to hang with this because it’s not a week long process, and it’s not a month long process, and I would even go as far to say it’s not a year long process. But can you think about your life in five years, being so much more full of the things that you love, of being so much more full of you accomplishing what you want to accomplish, of being so much more full of you having good thoughts about yourself instead of bad thoughts, of you being able to set a goal and accomplish it, you being able to live in a home that feels maybe not perfectly clean and organized, but that feels like home to you. Can we set a five year goal? So for me, it was 23 years. For you, let’s bring it down. Let’s close the gap, close the window. Narrow it down to about five years.

And if you are just like five years, ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m not doing that. I just want you to breathe, breathe, breathe. Think about yourself five years ago. Think about your future self. Isn’t it worth it to just give it a try, and maybe you’ll be able to do it in one. Maybe you’ll be able to do it in two. So today, we’re going through 10 steps of how to move from low functioning to high functioning, and there is absolutely a spectrum of deficiency within the ADHD diagnosis. So even though all of us adults diagnosed with ADHD do display a certain cluster of symptoms, it’s not necessarily like the severity of symptoms may vary. So some of us are starting. We’re not all starting from the same starting point, I think, is what I’m trying to say. Some of us have more deficient memories, some of us have more deficient impulse control, some of us have more deficient emotional regulation. And so, you know, we’re not starting from the same starting point, but we do share this cluster of symptoms, and there is a spectrum of functioning, okay? And I know that you’re going to want to jump from low functioning, you know, if you put yourself at like a zero on the scale, and you’re going to want to hop over to high functioning, like a 10 on the scale immediately, but we’ve got some things that we need to move through first. Okay, so let’s define some terms here. The way that I’m going to talk about this low functioning in my just the way we’re going to talk about it here on the podcast is is more like survival mode. You’re missing a ton of deadlines. You’re getting stuck in a ton of shame spirals. You have major executive dysfunction issues, and maybe you’re not even diagnosed or medical. Treated yet. So like your life is just chaotic. You feel like there’s just dumpster fires everywhere. So that would be absolutely lower functioning, mid functioning. We could call it like rising functioning, emerging functioning. Like this is like the middle of the road, you’re becoming aware you have a diagnosis, you’re you’re being treated, you’re becoming aware you’re making some progress, but you know like you’re still really inconsistent, and you’re not quite feeling like you’re there yet. You’re not quite feeling confident yet.

You’re not quite able to trust yourself yet. But you’re certainly farther along, farther down the road than the chaos and the survival mode of lower functioning, high functioning. You’re much more self aware, you’re much more consistent, you’re extremely persistent, you’re resilient after setbacks, you feel like your life is really aligned. And of course, it’s not perfect, and of course you still have ADHD, but you’re just able to, like, set your mind, to do what you want to do, get it done, and live a life that feels really good to you. And so that’s what we’re looking for. We want to live an aligned life that feels good to you where you’re just like, Okay, I’m a human. I’m not perfect. I have ADHD. I have to really be careful and intentional about it, but my life feels good to me. I feel like I’m aligned, okay? And so we’re gonna talk about this journey today. So let’s start with number one baseline we’re starting at like chaos, dumpster fire, very, very low functioning. The first thing we need to do is you probably already know anybody who’s been listening to this podcast for any length of time, you’re gonna fill in the blank here, diagnosis and treatment. Okay, we need to know what’s going on in the brain. We need to know. We need to begin to develop an understanding. There needs to be this layer in your life of, Oh, I get it. I get it. I see what’s going on here. I have ADHD there. There is a specific reason why my brain works the way it does, and the reason is not I’m a lazy slob who can’t get her shit together like there’s a better reason for that. There’s there’s an actual diagnosis to point to, and then proper treatment. Medications, not everything. Medication is not everything, but research after research after research after research has shown that the number one thing that we can do to support ADHD and improve symptoms is to be properly medicated for it. There are many, many options for medication, stimulants, non stimulants. I was on a stimulant for a long time, and then after I had my kids, something shifted, and the stimulant really made me have a lot of anxiety, and so I shifted to a non stimulant, and I’m much happier on a non stimulant now, and it’s wonderful. But this is ground zero. This is like, this is base line, and it doesn’t get us to high functioning immediately, but it certainly helps. It gets the ball rolling.

I want to just pause here and say, I’ve kind of put this in an intentional order, not kind of I have. I’ve put this in an intentional order, but these steps do not have to be taken in order. So I’ve put these steps in order in a way that I think is logical, but obviously you can choose to do these steps completely out of order, in a way that works best for you. Everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable time, you wake up early, you make a list, you cross things off the list in order, blah, blah, blah. Like, yeah, we know what to do, but ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That’s why I created focused. It’s an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I’m a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019 I’ve coached over 4000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from Hot Mess express to grounded and thriving. I’ll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior and accept yourself flaws and all. And with this foundation, we’ll build the skills to improve your life with ADHD. And not only do you get skills and tools and focus, but you’re surrounded by a huge. Community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you’re an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real lasting changes in your life. Join hundreds of others from around the world in focused. Go to I have adhd.com/focused to learn more. That’s I have adhd.com/focused to check it out. Number one, diagnosis and proper treatment. Number Two, learn to take care of your body’s basic needs. And it’s sad that I even have to say this, but after working with 1000s and 1000s of adults with ADHD, one of the things that I have learned, and that breaks my heart so much, is that we struggle to take care of our body’s basic needs. I am talking food, water, sleep, hygiene, the very basics. This breaks my heart. This. This shows me, in my opinion. This is my opinion, how neglected that we have been by society, by our families, and even by ourselves, to ourselves, but the basic needs need to be extremely front and center and and I will say that this is one of The hardest things for me, especially food, remembering to eat, making myself eat, making the effort to eat, and allowing myself to spend money on convenience foods just so that I can get food into my body. All of that has been a lot of drama for me, and that makes me sad. That makes me sad for me, it makes me sad when I think about you and the struggles that you’ve had. Most likely I’m making assumptions about you, but I think that I I think that I think that I know you. I really do, and I feel like the the basic needs, need to really be front and center for us.

So number one, diagnosis and treatment number two, really being aware to take care of your basic needs. So I want you to think about like, do you get enough water in the day, or do you get dehydration headaches? Do you eat enough food? Or do you find yourself Binging at the end of the day? Are you sleeping? Now we’re gonna talk about sleep later. So we’re going to put a pin in that. Are you taking care of your hygiene and really, just like your health? If not, that must, must, must be your priority. And I encourage you to make it a priority until it’s automatic. So for all of these, the way that I have done this is I’ve made I’ve just chosen one thing to focus on until it became simple for me, I’ve chosen one thing to focus on until it just was automatic. And I really want to encourage you to do that as well. So instead of thinking about a list of 10 things, I want you to choose one area. And if this is not an area that you feel like you are meeting your needs in, I highly suggest, I highly encourage you, to focus on this area, water, food, sleep, hygiene, just the basic body cues, like, are you using the restroom? When you need to use the restroom?

So many of us are just ignoring our body cues. Then we’re getting ourselves all agitated, then our nervous system is dysregulated and freaked out, and one of the nicest things that we can do for ourselves is just listen to our bodies and what it needs. It’s so sad that I even have to say this. I just It breaks my heart, but I want you to focus on it. If that’s not something that you feel like you’re good at number three. And I could have added this into the other one, but I think it bears having its own category. Figure out how to move your body several times a week in a way that feels good to you. Doesn’t have to be every day, but if you can do it every day, amazing, and it doesn’t have to be a workout class or a specific type of anything, just move your body in a way that feels good. This is not about punishment. This is not about weight. This is not about physique. This is about your brain. This is about like the The number two thing that you can do. So the number one thing is medication. The number two thing that you can do is exercise to improve your brain, to improve your memory, to improve your cognition, your executive function. Really. Recent research indicates that exercise, even moderate exercise, can positively impact executive function across various age groups, including children, adolescents and older adults. Studies suggest that exercise improves general cognition, memory and executive function. And what I did was I found so this is the research of the week, my friends, I found a meta analysis of exercise improving cognition and executive function and meta analysis. I’m not a researcher. I’m I’m kind of a nerd. I’m like nerd light.

Do you know what I mean? I’m not a scientist, but my understanding is a meta analysis is a survey of all of the research done, a survey of all and then a compilation of that. Okay, so effectiveness of exercise for improving cognition, memory and executive function, a systematic umbrella review and meta, meta, not just meta, meta, meta analysis. I don’t even know what that means. Let’s just pretend. Just pretend we do okay. So here’s what the meta meta analysis found, memory and executive function improvements from exercise were greater for children and adolescents than for adults or older adults. But listen to this. Those with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder exhibited greater improvement in executive function than other populations. I’m gonna read it again. Those with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder exhibited greater improvement in executive function than other populations. Isn’t that cool? Effects were generally larger for low and moderate intensity. So that’s like, good news. You can do low and moderate, low to moderate intensity. Shorter interventions, one to three months and Xer games, I had to, like, pause and practice that word, because what is an X or game? Here’s what it is. It’s a video game that requires physical movement. Had the largest effects on general cognition and memory. Guys play video games that make you move. Go get Wii Sports or whatever it is the kids are playing these days. You know, I’m saying like this will improve your memory and cognition. That is huge. Figure out a fun way to move your body as much as possible. Now that the weather is turning I told my producer, Dan that I wasn’t going to talk about the weather. I was like, I’m not going to do it.

I’m not going to talk about the weather today, because only an old person would mention the weather as much as Kristen Carter does. But I’m telling you, the weather is getting just so beautiful, and it is the most gorgeous day today in Philadelphia, and now that the weather is turning and everything is thawing out, including my cold, dark heart, we can move our bodies with so much more ease. And so I just want to encourage you, this is an intensely effective way to improve your ADHD symptoms and to move the needle of functioning of your ADHD, okay, so we’re gonna do a very quick review. Number one, diagnosis and proper treatment. Number two, take care of your body’s basic needs. Number three, move your body as much as possible in ways that are fun and feel good to you. All right, so that’s like a cluster of very basic things that you can do. And I will go so far as to say, if you’re not mastering those three things, if you don’t feel like those three things are mastered, if you haven’t gotten a diagnosis, you’re like, oh gosh, I need to start there. Or if you’re not, if you’re taking a moment of pause and you’re realizing, Oh, I’m not taking care of my basic needs, okay, start there. Or if you’ve finally gotten your diagnosis and you’re you’re treated, and you’ve been paying attention to your basic needs, but you’re not moving your body several times a week, okay, start there. And again, it’s not about your body, it’s about your brain. So just move your body any way you want to. It doesn’t matter. Go take a walk, go for a bike ride, do some gardening, get yourself moving in any way. Do an extra game, get a Nintendo play, play, all of the things. Okay? So it doesn’t matter how you do it, just do it. So those I would say, are like, that’s the foundation. That’s the building block. Okay, all right, moving on to number four. The next thing that you can do to improve your functioning, to move yourself from lower to mid to high functioning, is to begin to journal and slow down your thinking.

I have several podcast episodes about this, especially from the earlier episodes about brain dumps and thought downloads, and what that will do for you is allow you to get the clutter and the chaos out of your brain. Team to be able to get the clutter out of your brain. Now, I have talked about this many times, but many people with ADHD do not have an internal monolog, and that is related to a deficiency in non verbal working memory, which is one of our executive functions. This is not across the board, so like we discussed earlier, ADHD is a spectrum. It looks a little differently for all of us, but many of us with ADHD do not have an internal monolog. Okay? So what does that mean? What it means is we don’t have the internal voice directing us to accomplish our goals, to get the next thing done, to remember, to pick up milk on the way home. We don’t have that internal voice. And so what happens is we have all of these thoughts. We still have lots of thoughts. We’re just not really paying attention to our thoughts, and so we’re being directed and driven by thoughts that we’re not even aware of, and I feel like this is really important, so I want you to lean in, turn up your volume and really hear me here. If you don’t have an awareness of your internal monolog, that means you are being directed by thoughts that you’re not even aware of, and if you’re not happy with the results that you’re getting in your life, the place to look is those thoughts. That’s the place to look. Who’s in the driver’s seat, who’s driving the bus, what thoughts here are driving the bus? Okay? And so getting your thoughts out of your brain onto paper and just word vomiting onto paper, once a day, twice a day, five times a day, here and there, once a week, any little bit will help.

Okay, the chaos in your mind will become much more manageable on paper, I promise you, if you’re interested in this, go look at early episodes. I have a bunch of episodes on brain, dumping on thought, downloading on figuring out how your thoughts are actually creating so many of your results. So I have the resources there for you. But just know, please understand that journaling is so free. It is the freest thing exercise, free, taking care of your basic needs free. Like we’re not even like, I understand diagnosis and treatment is not free, and not everyone has access to it, but most of these suggestions are free. Like, just journal, you can do that at no cost to you, on the back of an envelope with a marker from your kid’s crayon box that didn’t make any sense, with a marker from your kid’s craft box, that makes more sense, but journaling and getting your thoughts onto paper is going to change your life. I promise you. Take it to the bank, I will give you a refund, money back, guarantee, if it doesn’t work, okay, let’s move on. This one is a real goodie. Number five, you’re gonna need to find a community of support. My love, you’re gonna need to find a community of support.

It is not healthy for you to be alone, to for you to feel like you’re the only one struggling, for you to feel like you’re the only one with ADHD brain who is a little bit quirky and a little bit different. It’s not it’s not good, it’s not healthy, it’s not serving you, and it’s probably lack of community, lack of support, lack of ADHD, friends, mentors, et cetera. It’s going to contribute to a lot of shame, a lot of self judgment, a lot of self blame. And so if you can find a community online, on social media, come follow me and and be a part of the community on Instagram. At I have ADHD podcast. There’s a lot of us that hang out there on YouTube, here in the comments on YouTube, in a coaching program like mine, focus. Go to I have adhd.com/focused join us like figure out in your town. Is there an ADHD support group? Is there a mental health meetup?

Are there people that you can connect with that will help you to feel less alone and to feel less weird? We need to normalize the neurodivergent brain, and we can’t do that if you’re just surrounded by neuro typical people who think that you’re weird. I’m sorry. Like, that’s impossible. If you’re surrounded by neurotypicals, 24/7, and you don’t have a community of neurodivergent folks that needs to be one of. Steps that we take along the journey from of moving from low functioning to higher functioning with ADHD. So a community of support is extremely, extremely important. I’ve talked to Dr Ned Hallowell about this several times, and he calls it vitamin C, which I find so endearing. I’m so grateful to Dr Hallowell, and to the work that he’s done for people with ADHD and he calls community vitamin C. We all need a healthy dose of vitamin C. And so what I want to add to that is like, neurodivergent community. Neurodivergent vitamin C. Like, yes, community is important, but a community of people, at least in one pocket of your life, who who relate to your experience in the world, I think, is going to be so important. Vitamin C. Y’all, vitamin C, okay, let’s do a quick recap, just so that we can stay on the same page, because I know it’s kind of hard to keep track of all of this. Number one, diagnosis and treatment.

Number two, taking care of your body’s basic needs. Number three, figure out how to move your body in a way that feels good to you. Number four, journal and slow down your thinking. Chaos in the mind becomes manageable on paper. Number five, find a community of support. Get yourself some vitamin C, Okay, number six, learn how to regulate your emotions. I feel like I have 100 episodes on this topic. Learn how to regulate your emotions. This will change your life. This will become your superpower. This will become your ability to change your future, because your emotions are the fuel that drive your actions, and if you don’t like the actions that you’re taking, like avoidance and procrastination and putting things off and being impulsive and etc, etc. If you don’t like your actions, you’ve got to look at the fuel. You’ve got to look at your emotions, okay, and so learning how to regulate your emotions, to feel and process and self soothe and move on from big, overwhelming emotions in your body. Learning how to do that will change everything for you. It will it will move the needle on your functioning. I, I guarantee it again, another money back. Guarantee. It’s the Kristen Carter, money back. Guarantee here, this is why I have an entire course on emotional regulation in my focused ADHD program. It is the most important thing. I point people to. It constantly, that emotional regulation course, an entire course with a workbook and eight classes. I mean, it’s just so important. Emotional regulation, once you learn how to do it, once you learn how to harness your emotions, it can become a superpower for you. As a person with ADHD, your ability to regulate your emotions can become your greatest asset. But because of ADHD and our deficiency in this area, a lot of times we are flying blind. A lot of times again, it’s like a who’s driving the bus situation like I feel this extreme emotion. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m totally overwhelmed. I’m totally overcome by it, and now I’m just paralyzed. Now I’m just not gonna get anything done for the rest of the day. So all of my goals and all of my plans go out the window. Why? Because of my fricking emotion. And if I can just learn how to regulate my emotion, then I can get that under control. It’s I can get that under my control, right? It becomes like I become in charge, and then I’m able, once I move through it and move past it, I’m able to do the things that I set out to do today. So emotional regulation is paramount.

This next one, number seven, is something that I have really taken to heart in the last couple years, and I think it’s made such a huge difference for me overall. I’m so excited to talk about this specific topic, figuring out your limits, figuring out your specific limits, your capacity, your edges, the edges of your functioning. What often happens for us at each deers is we are in this binge burnout cycle, this high productivity, and then burnout cycle that just is this continual perpetu. Will cycle of I’m going all in I’m totally working so hard. I’m so so so productive. I’m working way past my limits, because I don’t even know what my limits are. And I work past my limits for long enough that now I’m burned out. And so now, when I’m in burnout, I can get nothing done. I go into the cave, I ghost everyone that I know and love, and I’m completely

the word useless is what comes to mind. But I don’t mean useless as a human being. I mean like I cannot function, like I’m completely non functional. And so now I’m in a burnout. And finally, after some time of rest and restoration, I am able to function again. But instead of just functioning within the limits of my capacity, I’m going absolutely crazy, super hyper productive and working way past my limits over and over and over and over, and then inevitably burning myself out again. And so it’s just this perpetual cycle that if we are going to be high functioning people with ADHD, we need to stop. This must stop. This is not healthy.

This does not serve us. It does not serve our families, it does not serve our careers. We know this, and the only way to stop is to begin to honor your own limits. I literally have a podcast titled honoring the limits of your capacity. This is stuff that we’ve talked about before, but it’s extremely important if you want to be a high functioning ADHD er is starting to recognize where your limits are and saying no to yourself and others before you’re exhausted, before you’re burned out, so that you can have so much more consistency. This is a huge reason. I just pointed my finger at the camera like a, like a, like a 44 year old mom that I am like, this is the reason why we’re inconsistent. It’s one of the main reasons why we’re inconsistent, because we are hyper productive, and we work far past our limits for far too long, and then we burn out. And so it looks extremely inconsistent. Oh, you’re so productive one day and then You’re so lazy the next day. Why? Because my my productivity is not within my own limits and capacity. And so saying no to yourself actually stopping work at 5pm Excuse me, are you listening? Actually stopping work at 5pm whether you finished your list or not, you heard it, whether you finished your list or not, actually stopping work at 5pm and then resting and just like going home, being a parent or just a person, either way, it doesn’t matter just living your life not working so important, because then what happens? You have more capacity the next day to continue to be productive. I’m very passionate about this. I coach so many people with ADHD from all over the world, and this is one of the main things that we work on is setting limits on your productivity, even when you haven’t reached your goal, even when you haven’t crossed everything off your list, allowing yourself to rest, allowing yourself to rest, because that is what is going to allow you to be productive. I mean, this is another take it to the bank moment, but I’m not going to say it again because it’s getting old.

But I’m telling you, people don’t believe me. They say like, I can’t stop because I haven’t gotten my list done. And what I say is, how is that working for you? How’s it working out? Is it helping you get your list done? Is it helping you be more consistently productive? I know it’s not stopping work and resting, regardless of how much you got done during the day. That’s how to do it. Okay, I’m getting hot, which means I need to move on. All right, so I’m just going to review the first eight that we just went, oh, excuse me, the first seven that we just went over, and then we’re going to take a quick voicemail. So number one, diagnosis and treatment. Number two, take care of your body’s basic needs. Number three, wow, she said that in a weird way. Number three, move your body in a way that feels good to you. Number four, journal and slow down your thinking. Number five, find a community of support. Number six, regulate your emotions. Figure out, learn it can be learned. Learn how to regulate your emotions. Number seven, learn your limits. Limits and work within them. Get curious about what burns you out and listen to that wisdom, that inner wisdom. So learn your limits. This podcast is sponsored by ag one and listen. I have some huge news to share with you all. Ag one just launched their next generation, the same single scoop once a day, but now with more vitamins, more minerals and upgraded probiotics, and it’s clinically backed by four human clinical trials, they’ve seriously gone the distance to raise the standard in supplement testing. Ag ones next gen is now one of the most clinically backed greens powder. They went above and beyond the industry standard in testing, and they have made a great product even better.

You know that I love this product? You know that I drink it every day? I am not lying when I say every day. It is easy enough, it is tasty enough for Kristen Carter, the queen of ADHD, to drink it every single day. And what’s so awesome is now it’s clinically backed with an advanced formula. This is the perfect time to try ag one if you haven’t yet, I’ve been drinking ag one every day for more than two years. I’m so happy to be partnering with them. They are my favorite. You already know this, so subscribe today to try the next gen of Ag, one, and you’re getting more than usual right now I just I read this, and I was like, Oh, this is more than usual. If you use my link, you’re also going to get a free bottle of ag D 3k to an ag one welcome kit and five of the upgraded ag one travel packs with your first order. So make sure to check out drink. Ag one.com/i have ADHD to get started with. Ag ones, next gen and notice the benefits for yourself. I know you will. I have, I know you will. So that’s drink, AG, one.com/i. Have ADHD to check it out. Okay, we are going to take a voicemail now. I love that you guys are calling in. I’ve gotten so many voicemails lately. I’m obsessed. I love it. If you want your question answered on the podcast. Call 833-281-2343, and we are going to hear now from Paula.

Caller 42:30
Hi. My name is Paula, and I am calling from Alabama. However, I am from Georgia, so go dogs. But my question, or actually my statement, is that I have been dealing with mental illness for a very long time, throughout most of my life, and just was diagnosed with adult ADHD later in life. And my question is, is it common for people suffering with ADHD to always try to be accommodating to the people around them, to be making everyone else around myself comfortable instead of the other way around. I just I find that that I have to make other people comfortable to be around me, and then, as I’ve grown and had medication change that has helped extremely well with my bipolar and ADHD braylar has changed my whole thought process into thinking that I don’t have to accommodate anybody. I’m here. I’m not here to make anyone else comfortable. If they want to be around me, then that’s their choice. But it’s not my job to make other people feel comfortable.

Kristen Carder 43:52
Paula, what a question. I love it. I love your accent too. Paula, is so warm and comforting. Absolutely love it. Thanks for calling in. Okay, so here’s why I placed this voicemail right here in this specific spot, because we are going to be talking now about this very topic. And what I want to say to you, Paula, is I’m so proud of you for getting to a place where you realize that you’ve been working your whole life to make everyone around you comfortable. And I can just kind of like picture you looking around now, like, Excuse me, who’s here making me comfy, who’s here making me comfy, and why am I the one with the responsibility to make everyone else comfortable. And I think the point that I just want to get across is I do believe that this is very common in the ADHD experience, and I do believe that it is connected to our relational wounding to our upbringing. To our various traumatic experiences, to our rejection sensitivity and our reject, our experiences of rejection throughout our infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence, etc, etc. And so it makes sense that we finally enter like adulthood and and we want to make other people comfortable, in order for them to accept us, in order for them to love us, in order for them to be happy and pleased with us, in order for us to get our needs met. Some of you grew up in families where you literally had to make the people around you comfortable or your needs were not met, your emotional needs, your physical needs, your needs for connection, they would not be met if you did not make other people comfortable. So I think that, yes, this is common, but what I sense in you now is a little defiance, and I love that, and what I just want to throw out there is that I encourage you to find relationships that are mutually accommodating. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m never accommodating the other person I want. I want to accommodate the people that I love, but I want the same kindness to be afforded to me. I want to make sure that I’m not the only one being accommodating. I’m not the only one trying to make people feel comfortable.

I’m happy to do that for people that I love. Happy to but not if it’s not reciprocated, not if it’s just all on me, not if I’m the only one having to do it. And so I would just really encourage you, Paula and others that relate to Paula, to begin to seek out relationships where there’s a lot more mutuality, where there’s a lot more reciprocity, there’s a lot more back and forth of like acceptance, but also accommodation. Like, um, you know, in a marriage, in a friendship with my kids, like, there’s, there’s times when it’s so appropriate to accommodate, and it’s so appropriate to make sure that the other person is comfortable, but not always at my own expense, and not if it’s just me doing that for them, like, what about the mutuality here? What about the back and forth? What about the reciprocity? So I just want to make the point here that I think we can be mutually accommodating. But if you are finding yourself, if you’re kind of waking up, which I think so many of us do, we wake up in relationships, we you, said you’re on a new medication. It’s really changed everything. You have so much more awareness. And so now you’re kind of like waking up, you’re looking around, and you’re like, What is going on? Like, I’m the only one being accommodating. Okay, that’s inappropriate. We don’t want that. We want to be in relationships that are much more mutual than that. And so I just want to encourage you to begin to find relationships and friendships where there’s reciprocity, which just means, like an equality, a back and forth, where there’s where there’s mutual accommodation.

Thank you so much for for calling in Paula, and this sets us up so perfectly for the next couple things we’re going to talk about. If you want your question answered on the pod, call 833-281-2343, don’t worry, we’re going to pop that into the show notes too, so you don’t have to remember that. Paula, thank you, because this leads us into number eight. Explore some therapy or emotional healing. Content, y’all. If you have ADHD, you’ve had some trauma in your life. I never identified as somebody who had trauma. I never identified as somebody who was from a dysfunctional family. I never identified as somebody who who had any issues in those areas. And then I went to therapy, then I went to therapy, and I realized how, how difficult I had actually had it. And even if we take out family dysfunction, even if you’re just somebody with ADHD who has existed in a neurotypical world for decades, you have absolutely struggled in a way that others haven’t, and you deserve some support. You deserve to explore your story with a professional through the lens of emotional health. I know that not everyone has access to therapy, but if you do listen to me, if you have money, spend it on therapy, Please. I’m begging you, if you have money, spend it on figuring out how to be emotionally healthy. Spend it on figuring out your childhood story. Raise your hand if you don’t remember your childhood Okay. Now. Now I’m just going to go ahead and tell you that that for many therapists, is a huge red flag, that you had some major trauma, that your childhood was so overwhelming that you actually had to detach from the experiences. I know that was a bait and switch, and that was really not fair of me to do, but I wanted to prove a point that so many of us who don’t identify as having trauma, which is anything that overwhelms the nervous system and anything that we’re unable to cope with, so many of us don’t identify as having difficult childhoods, but if you don’t remember your childhood, it’s an it’s a I’m stumbling over my words, because this is so important. If you don’t remember your childhood, it’s an indicator that you actually had a very difficult childhood. And so I just want to encourage you to spend time and energy exploring your story with within a therapeutic relationship. Now there’s reason why this is number eight on the list.

I’m not saying you can’t start with this. You might want to start with this, but I want to say to you, I would have never been able to function in a therapist’s office if I wasn’t already medicated for ADHD, I would have not had the patience for that. I wouldn’t have been able to function in a therapist’s office if I wasn’t already taking care of my basic needs and doing some baseline ADHD, like semi functioning. I didn’t start going to therapy until I was mid functioning. It did help me move into high functioning. It helps me move from mid range functioning into high functioning. But I would have never, personally, I personally, would have never been able to engage in a true therapeutic relationship at a low functioning level. And so I just want to explain to you that this is why I have this much later in the list for to help us move from mid range functioning to much higher functioning. I will say that if we can tackle the first, like six, seven things on this list, if we can get to the point where we’re diagnosed and treated and moving our bodies and covering our basic needs and downloading our thoughts and able to observe what we’re thinking and regulating our emotions, et cetera, et cetera, that’s like a good mid functioning range. But if you want to move into high functioning you’re going to have to explore your relationships. And this is scary. This is hard if you’re if you truly want to be a high functioning person with ADHD, you’re going to have to explore your childhood, your relationships, your story. And so I just, I want to encourage you, for those of you who kind of can identify yourself in the middle of the road in your like, mid functioning range, if you want to move to high functioning, begin to explore your relationships. Whew. I just get so passionate about this. Is why I’m writing a book on relationships and ADHD and such good news to share. I literally just accepted a book deal. So this book is happening. I’m so excited. I will share much more. But on my birthday, May 1, I accepted a book deal, and we will be writing this book. We by we, I mean me. I’m gonna be writing a book on ADHD and relationships. And the reason why this is so important is because this is one of the missing pieces to the puzzle of becoming a high functioning person. I just want to let you know that if you don’t have access to therapy, a great resource on YouTube and Instagram is Patrick Tien.

He’s an amazing resource. He has a ton of videos. I also believe that he has like a community where he helps people who struggle. And so Patrick Tien, the last name is T, E, H, A N, on YouTube, he has so many videos that are helpful in understanding just like toxic families and childhood trauma and emotional health. So I highly, highly recommend. Okay, we’ve got two more left. We’re going to rush through them, because I don’t want to keep you longer than an hour, my friend. Okay, number nine, this goes hand in hand with what I just said, but it it bears standing alone. Stop people pleasing. Stop people pleasing. There. There’s no way that you are going to be a high functioning person with ADHD if you are a people pleaser, because, by definition. Mission, a people pleaser is focused on other people’s happiness, is focused on other people’s emotional regulation, is focused on other people’s nervous systems and regulating everyone else in their life, and so their personal life, their own life, is the back burner is a second thought. And if you want to be a high functioning person with ADHD who is able to set goals and reach them, you got to stop people pleasing. You’ve it’s just so many of us people please in in ways that we don’t even realize. For example, like you are a neurodivergent person. Are you living like it, or are you trying to pretend that you’re not neurodivergent? Are is your life designed for you, or is it designed to please the people around you, to impress the people around you to make the people around you like you, Paula, I’m talking to you, girl, I’m talking to you, Paula, and everyone else that resonates. So there is no way to be a high functioning person with ADHD and be a people pleaser at the same time, your functioning will always be lower than it could be if you are focused on others, if you have an external locus of control, if you are more focused on other people’s regulation, on other people’s happiness, on other People being happy with you, you will never reach the potential that you possibly could if you were not a jerk, not an a hole. I’m not, I’m not asking that of you, but what I’m but what I do want is, can we have an internal an internal locus of control, an internal people like a personal pleasing I’m gonna I’m gonna make sure that I am living a life that feels aligned to me. I’m gonna prioritize my own nervous system.

I’m gonna prioritize my own emotional regulation. I’m gonna prioritize the way that my brain and body work and need. And when I do that, I actually have so much more to give to others in a very appropriate way, in a way that’s appropriate. Okay, the last thing number 10, and maybe we should blow through these. Ah, we’ll do it at the end. The last thing number 10, and I mentioned it just a little bit here. Set up a life that works for you. Set up a life that works for you, accommodate yourself, understand your needs, your struggles, your neurodivergence, set up your life in a way that works for you. Like to down to the simplest things like put the dishes in the cabinet that makes the most sense for you, put your keys in the spot that makes the most sense for you, go to bed at the time that makes sense for you, set up your life in a way that works for you, not for anyone else. Again, this is very connected, like the last three here, really, really connected to each other and and I will kind of go out on a limb here and say that for many of us, we’re not going to be able to stop people pleasing, and we’re not going to really be able to set up a way that we’re set up a life that works really for us, if we haven’t explored our story in therapy. I don’t know that to be 100% true, but that’s my gut sense, because there is so much wanting to make everyone else happy, connected to our ADHD experience, that needs to be unraveled and undone in a therapeutic relationship, and So much detachment from other people and other people’s expectations and other people’s desires for us, and like so, much of that has to be

unraveled in a therapeutic relationship, but setting up your life in a way that works for You is going to change everything actually living like you have ADHD, hello, and not pretending, not trying to pretend that you don’t that is one of the key ways to be a higher functioning person. So we’re going to recap just really quick here the 10 Ways to become someone who is high functioning with ADHD, and this is not necessarily in order. I would say the first three are so foundational and so needed, the last three are probably best saved for the end. But not necessarily. We’re gonna, we’re gonna blow through ’em here. Number one, diagnosis and proper treatment. Number two, taking. Care of Your body’s basic needs, water, food, sleep, hygiene. Number three, moving your body in a way that feels good to you regularly, regularly. Number four, journal and slow down your thinking. Figure out what thoughts are driving the bus of your life. Number five, five, finding a community of support, getting yourself some vitamin C, as Dr Halliwell says.

Number six, learn how to regulate your emotions. And again, I’m going to say it, it can be done. This is a skill that can be developed no matter who you are. Number seven, learn your limits and work within the boundaries of your own capacity. Number eight, explore therapy or emotional healing. Content, do some emotional healing. Oh, my goodness. Number nine, stop people pleasing. And number 10, set up your life in a way that works for you and nur your neurodivergent brain. Okay? This is not a linear process, even though I have it like adorably numbered from one to 10. This is not a linear process, okay? This is non linear. And it’s also it may be a longer process than you want it to be. Let’s just be honest, as someone with ADHD who is constantly impatient, everything is a longer process than I want it to be. But we don’t have to jump quickly to the top of the functioning scale. We just need to move that needle a little bit at a time. So what can you do this week? What can you do this week that is going to allow you to just move that needle just a little bit if you can develop persistence for moving that needle of functioning just a little bit farther, a little bit more, a little bit more. I promise you, you’re gonna look back in a couple years and be like, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I promise you that will be your story. Okay, as we end I just want to normalize like setbacks.

There’s no actual like done. I am constantly shocked by like, how my symptoms present in my life, and I’m still procrastinating, I’m still avoiding, but I certainly have many more tools in my tool belt to overcome that, and that’s what I want for you too. I know that your story is not finished. I know that you have more progress to be made, and I know that that can be done in a way that’s without shame, without blame, without judgment, and that’s what I want for you. All right, ADH, dear. I’m so glad we had this hour together. It was so fun. I’m going to talk to you next week. I will see you, then goodbye. If you’re being treated for your ADHD, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential, you’ve got to join focus. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted, no matter what season of life you’re in or where you are in the world. Focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused, for all the info.