Kristen Carder
Welcome to the I Have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristin Carter, and I Have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor, and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you’re listening to the I Have the ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated, and ready to roll. Get in here, y’all. Get in, get in. What’s that, you know, from Clueless, the movie Clueless, where the girl pulls up and she’s like, “Get in, loser, we’re going shopping. That’s what we’re doing right now. Get in, loser. We’re talking ADHD stuff. Don’t take events if you don’t know the movie. If you’re not like a millennial 90s kid, please don’t take events to that. It’s just, it’s just a quote, okay? But we’re talking ADHD stuff today. This is going to be maybe one of the most ADHD episodes ever. I’m here to just rant about everything that is on my mind right now, y’all. This world is a wild place to exist in, and I am just a human trying to navigate it, and it is not easy, and it is not fun right now. And I am here to tell you this because I wonder what you do when your life is not easy or fun. Do you know what I’m saying? Like, so much of the self-help content out there is from a perspective of an expert who’s been there and they’ve mastered it in the, like, now they’re in this amazing place and they’re speaking from the mountaintop, and I am telling you today, I am not speaking to you from the mountaintop. I am in the trenches. I am in the effing trenches. So, if you’re in the trenches as well, link arms with me, get in, loser. We’re talking all the stuff today, we really are.
First of all, if this is your first time listening to the podcast, I promise I am not always unhinged in this way. I promise, but today I am. Today I am. And so this is going to be a really like attract and repel, that’s a marketing term, like an attract and repel episode. You’re either going to love this, you’re going to be like, this girl is not for me. And listen, that’s okay, I promise I’m not always like this. But if you are new to the podcast, welcome. Hello, I want to let you know that I do have a resource that I did create from a place of expertise, okay, from a place of having been in this field for many years, having coached 1000s of people with ADHD, having multiple coaching certifications, and I created a resource called 10 Things I Wish My Doctor Told Me When I Was Diagnosed with ADHD. If you are either in the diagnosis process or have been diagnosed, but your doctor told you literally nothing, as my doctor did, he was like, “Here’s some meds, you have ADHD, and I was like, “Great, thanks, but I didn’t know anything about ADHD until 15 years later, and so if that’s where you are right now, I want you to go to I Have adhd.com/ten things, and there you will find this resource that really may change your whole gosh darn life, I have adhd.com/10 things. things, but if you’ve been here for a minute, you’ve already got the resource, and you’re just like, ‘Girl, let’s get into it. We are going to get into it. My ADHD symptoms are on high volume right now. The volume is turned up so high. There have been times in my life where, you know, I’ve been medicated, and I’m treating my ADHD with such tenderness and care, and everything in my life is going smoothly. And I think to myself, do I even have ADHD anymore? Like, shouldn’t stop taking medication, and I did that one time, and then I was like, oh shoot, abort mission, and I went directly back on the medication, because it was comical, how bad my ADHD was, but I will say that right now the volume is turned up.
How many of you know that there are times, like there are seasons of your life where you’re just kind of navigating it, you’re like, this is great, I’m doing a great job, like everything’s going well, and yes, I have ADHD, but it’s, it’s managed very properly and very well, and I’m excelling, and let me say that is not where I am. I’m in a place right now, and maybe we’re all kind of feeling this while you’re listening to this episode a little bit later, but right now it’s like mid May, it’s the end of the school year, everything is kind of crying. Crashing down around me, I have three school-age children, I have a senior, a sophomore, and a sixth grader, and three boys. And my gosh, the end of the year is just too much. I’ve heard people call it May Summer, like it may, may as well be December with all of the extra things that are happening this week we had an award ceremony and a choir concert, and that’s just on top of like water polo and soccer and all of the things that we’re already doing, in addition to like work and life and everything else, and the end of the school year is not for the faint of heart, if you’re not in that season yet, or don’t plan to be, or if you’re out of that season, like, just remember, like, how crazy it was, because we are on the struggle bus right now. In addition, and I’ll talk about my book in a little bit, but I’m in this, like, really busy season. Well, I can’t even speak, that’s what’s happening, like, in the ADHD is taking over, even my tongue is not even allowing me to function and speak. I’m in a really busy season with my book as well, and so there’s just like so much going on, and yet I feel like I’m in a hypo arousal state, so instead of being hyper aroused, and like, you know, running around like just do all these things, I did it. I’m like, so low energy, I want to crawl into my bed right now. Like, please, someone hand me a blanket and let me snuggle. Okay. Actually, to be honest, I do have a blanket for me right now. Maybe I am already snuggling, but I’m just like low energy, very inattentive, very laissez-faire about anything that’s going on. I’m just like, I don’t care, all I want is my couch, and I want to watch the pit again for a third time, because I’ve already seen seasons one and two, twice. I’m obsessed. I love it. It’s so soothing and easy, and I just want to lay there and watch the pit. Oh, that’s all I want to do. But instead, I’m chatting with you, and I wonder if you feel that way too. Like, gosh, I’m just in a season right now, always tired, always just like feeling like life is just way too much again. I’m not speaking to you from the mountaintop or from a place of like having arrived. I’ve not arrived anywhere except in the trenches right next to you, right next to you. In addition to just like the typical end of year stuff, I am parenting a senior, which means that graduation is approaching, so we have graduation and all of the festivities that go along with that. We have family coming in from the Midwest, which is wonderful, and also I’m navigating this changing dynamic in the relationship with my kid, who is almost 18, graduating high school, really like asserting himself as he should be. This is good, it’s great, it’s exactly what’s supposed to happen, but it is new. It is a new, well, not him asserting himself, to be fair, that’s not new, but the fact that it’s like age appropriate now, and that he is almost 18, he’ll be 18 by the time that you hear this episode, he will be 18, and I don’t know how to parent an adult, I don’t know how to do that, I’ve never ever done it before, and not only is he an adult, but he’s neurodivergent. Not only is he neurodivergent, but he has never followed a traditional path, which, good for him, good for him.
I don’t want him to follow any path but his own, and as a person of faith, the Lord’s. But honestly, like, I’m glad that he’s not choosing a typical path, but it is an interesting place to be to navigate a relationship with an emerging adult, and we are having a lot of conflict lately, and a conversation, by the way, I totally effed things up the other day I totally messed up. I reacted to something in a way that was completely inappropriate, and I had to make a repair with him rightfully. And I went to him, and I was just like, “I’m so sorry, I totally screwed this up. You deserve so much better. And one of the things I said was, like, “It’s not your job to understand me as a parent, that’s not your job. I don’t want you to like carry that burden, that is not your job. But also, I am just trying to figure out how to be a parent to a grown-up. Like, it’s very interesting, a grown-up who’s still like dependent on me, but also like it’s. Six one, like 18 years old, and trying to figure things out. So, if you have older kids and you have figured it out, send me a line, drop me a line, send me a life raft or something, because this new phase of parenting is something that I’ve never navigated before. I’ve done the baby phase, I’ve done the toddler phase three times each. I’ve done the big kid phase, I’ve done the teenager phase. So, like, I feel like I’ve done so many different phases of parenting, and you know, there’s a learning curve with each of them, and you kind of figure it out. But I’m entering this brand new phase, and I don’t like it. It’s not that I don’t like that he’s growing up, or that I don’t like him. It’s just like I don’t want to learn something new again.
Don’t want to. I’m sick of learning something new. Do you ever feel that way? Like, I’m just kind of.. I don’t want to learn a new thing. And I wonder if this is why some of us struggle in a relationship with our parents, because they never learned the new thing, right? Like, maybe I’m just throwing it out there. This again, this is going to be a very ADHD episode. Like, I wonder if our parents never learned how to parent us as adults, because I am telling you, it is different. It is different. It is new. I don’t love it. Anyway, we are.. it’s not that I don’t love it. I don’t love having to learn something new again. I want to qualify that, because I’m so excited for him. I am so relieved that he is graduating from high school. Do you know why? Because he hates school. He hates school, so I’m so happy for him that he’s not obligated to go there anymore. Like, I feel such relief that he is graduating, and that this season of his life is complete. I’m so proud of him for the way that he worked hard, even though he hated it, and he got decent grades, even though he hated it, and he played the game to a certain extent. As someone who’s neurodivergent, it is really hard to exist in a system that has this like set of neurodivergent rules and standards that you have to adapt to that is so hard, and this last year I’ve been saying to him, just play the game, just play the game, like it’s almost like he’s in corporate, like I feel like people who live in the corporate world are just like constantly having to play the game, and that is how school is. It’s just like this world was not built for you and your neurodivergent brain, but there are like a set of standards and rules that like you just kind of have to follow if you’re going to get through it. And so play the game. So I’ve just been encouraging him, and maybe that’s a word for you, maybe that’s a word for you today. Like, how can you just play the game in a way that does not deplete you, in a way that does not take away from your capacity and your spark, but just like, understand that it really is just a game.
Compliant people do so well in school, they do so well in school. This is not a compliant child, and I don’t want him to be. I’m not trying to make him a compliant child, but it’s true that people who are compliant do really, really well. They do really well. So, how can you play the game so that you can just get through it? He’s like, everything at school is so fake. I’m like, you’re absolutely right, it is so fake. So, just kind of be fake and play that game and get through it. It’s been really fun, though. It’s been really fun to watch him figure out his next steps. So I’ll take you back, like a year ago, about a year ago, he was like, I think I probably want to be in the medical field, and we were like, amazing, you would be great at that. Absolutely. So, the first thing that he thought about was physical therapy. I think I want to be a physical therapist. Then he found out that you have to go to school for seven years post high school graduation to be a doctor of physical therapy, which my sister, my ADHD sister, did. Good Lord, I have no idea how she did it. I have no idea how she did it. She’s an excellent physical therapist. She’s been on the podcast twice. You can go search for those episodes. She’s an excellent physical therapist, but when she talked to him about, like, what’s required to become a physical therapist, he was like, just kidding, I don’t want to do that. And then he thought maybe, like, a radiology tech, which I think is an awesome profession, and maybe he will go into that eventually. He observed a radiologist in a surgery, and he loved it. It was full of adrenaline, it was full of dopamine, and he was like, yes, yes, yes. So he applied to school to be a rad tech, that’s the abbreviation, radiology tech. They’re the people that take the X-rays, then you can also do MRI and CT, but then I’m so glad we did this.
He did a second observation, and he observed the students who were in the school that he was applying to, and he was like, “This is hella boring, I am not doing this. It’s a two-year program, and it’s constant, so you don’t get. Summers off, it’s like two years, actually, it’s like 27 months straight of school, and he observed them for a day, like in their school, and doing their, you know, stuff at the hospital, and he was like, this is so boring, I am not doing that, and at first I was disappointed, because I was like, oh, I definitely think this would be a great career for you, but on the other hand, yeah. How many of you are the kind of people that like, if you don’t want to do something, no one can make you do it, but if you do want to do something, no one can stop you from doing it. That’s my kid. That’s my kid. And so, because I know that about him, I’m like, great, if you don’t want to do it, don’t even, don’t go for it at all, because it’s not for you. Okay, so then he did an ambulance ride along with a paramedic, and guys, he got hooked, hooked, he got hooked. It’s so great. He was like, he’s now done four ambulance ride-alongs, including an overnight, and he is hooked, so.. and what I mean by that is, he’s obsessed. He loves it so much. This is exactly the type of medicine that he wants to be involved in, like acute care. Oh, actually, I don’t know if it’s considered acute care, I’m just making things up, like direct patient involvement, but high adrenaline scenarios, and I think that this is actually an excellent profession for a neurodivergent person. I wonder, how many of you are EMS workers, emergency medical service workers? I just think it is the more I learn about it, the more I hear from him, the more I talk to his mentor.
We have a neighbor who’s an EMS worker, and I just reached out to him, was like, “Hey, I know we’ve never talked before, but I’ve seen you in your uniform, so I know you’re in EMS, and I was just wondering if you have any advice, because our kiddo is thinking of going into this profession, and immediately she was like, “Have him do an ambulance ride along with me, so when he did, she was like, he’s amazing, he’s got it, like he’s gonna be so great. I want to mentor him. Well, like, okay, that’s great. But I wonder, how many of you are EMS workers? Because I’m telling you, this is a very neurodivergent, friendly environment. Well, as an EMT, which is the tech, so the EMT supports the paramedic. As an EMT, you just like hang out in the station, you literally hang out, and then the alarm rings, and you’re on an ambulance rushing to like save someone’s life. It’s like incredible. It’s incredible. Anyway, I’m so, so, so happy that he found something that he loves, and that he is really going to be excellent at. So, I just, that part is like so fun about parenting older kids is that you get to see them make choices for their own life that are just like, yes, that’s amazing, go for it, and you get to see, like, their personalities and their gifts, and, like, all of the things about them just come to, they get to externalize it so much more after high school. It’s just so incredible. Anyway, I just told you my life story. It’s just an interesting time to navigate the end of high school, the beginning of something new with your kid, who was literally a newborn yesterday. He was literally a newborn yesterday, a newborn who did not sleep yesterday. Yesterday, and so, like, how is this happening? How is this happening? Another thing that I wanted to rant about today, and without getting political, because I never ever do, and sometimes you guys actually get mad at me for not getting political, which is fair, but I’m still never going to do it. Are you feeling the pinch of the economy right now? Like, what is actually happening in the world?
And I would just want to acknowledge, like, I’m speaking from a place of privilege, and still literally, what is happening right now, because I feel it in me, like my family is feeling it, my company is feeling it, I see it all over the Focused Membership, like the economy is making people’s lives so hard, and we’re doing a lot of downsizing in the background of our company, just because of the pinch of the economy. That’s one of the reasons why I’m recording this in my bedroom right now, literally recording the podcast live from my bedroom, because, dude, what is with the cost of everything right now? Gas in Pennsylvania, it’s like $5 a gallon. What is happening? And I know, like, gas is just like, okay, I was just gas, but like it’s a reflection of all of the costs. I spent $460 on groceries last week to be. Fair, I’m feeding three teenage boys, but still for a week’s worth of groceries. Like, I’m.. what is happening? I just.. I wonder, like, how the ADHD community itself is like experiencing it, and whether or not it’s intensified, because for so many of us with ADHD were underemployed or unemployed, we were already struggling with our fan finances, like money is really hard to manage. We have time blindness, I know that, but I’ve also talked to you about how I believe we kind of approach money in the same way. We have this like kind of money blindness, where money just doesn’t feel real and it’s not tangible, and we really struggle to manage it and make thoughtful decisions with it, and it’s just there’s just so much happening in the world, and the heaviness of the human experience is so intense right now. I just wonder how your little empathetic heart is taking all of it. Are you okay? Because I’m just sending you a hug. Now I’m sending you the life raft, like I’m sending you that, that life raft, saying, like, hey, I think it’s gonna be okay. I hope it’s gonna be okay.
If it’s not okay, at least we have each other, at least we have this community, at least we have this like group of people who are like on the same page and and feeling things in a similar way, but I just want to acknowledge that the world right now feels really dark and really weird, and I’m not loving it, I’m just not loving the heaviness of the human experience at the moment. How are you doing with it? I’m just very curious. The last update, and the last thing I want to rant about is my book, and I, I hope that you don’t get sick of me talking about it, but also I’m just going to talk about it, because it is such a huge, huge part of my life right now. I signed the book deal last May, a year ago. A year ago is when I signed the book deal with DK, which is a division of Penguin Random House. So I get emails from Penguin Random House, y’all. It’s like Penguin Random House author, like, here’s your blah blah blah. I’m like, oh my gosh, how is this my life? I signed the book deal a year ago and started writing, and that consisted of me working six days a week for the last year.
So, your girl is real tired, because I’m not a six day a week work kind of girly, like that’s not a sustainable amount of work for me, and yes, I’ve had breaks here and there, but for the most part over the last year I’ve worked six days a week, so I’ve worked four days in my business, and then I’ve worked on my book all day Friday, all day Saturday, and it has been so much, so I started with the editor said, okay, give us three chapters at a time, and then they sent edits, but they were like, don’t do anything with the edits, just kind of like apply our feedback to the next group of writing. So I did that, and then I had to go back and implement all of their edits, and then I submitted the manuscript, and then they did a huge edit and asked me to cut 10,000 words, 10,000 I told you that last week. 10,000 words, which is so hard. And right now we’re in the copy editing process, which means, like, I’ve written it, the editors have edited it, I’ve applied their edits. This is so freaking boring. I’m so sorry. And now a person who is really good at, like, grammar and punctuation, and also doing a sensitivity read, like making sure that I’m not saying anything offensive. Hopefully, that is one of my biggest fears. I will say is that I would say something that I didn’t mean any harm by, but still had a negative impact, because intent and impact are not the same. I would never want to have a negative impact with something that I said, and I will tell you that my rejection sensitivity is on high alert, because I think 1000s of people are going to read this book. I hope you’ve already decided to purchase it when it is available for pre-order, and like, what if I say something so god-awful? Gosh, I’m so scared. I don’t think I will. I don’t think I will. I’m just sitting here like talking to you off the cuff, and to my knowledge, I haven’t said anything god awful, but like, oh my goodness. Anyway, she read it for sensitivity as well, so she copy edited it and did a sensitivity reading, which I highly appreciate. And now we’re working on cover design, and I’ve sent it out for endorsements, and I told you that all of these people have said yes to endorsements. What? What? When you see the endorsements on the book, you’re going to be like, how the hell did this girl get all of these people to endorse her? I know, and I’m going to. Like I know, right? Right. How the hell did this girl get all of these amazing giants in the ADHD and psychology and mental health field to endorse her? Great question, great question, great question.
And now, hopefully next week, I am hoping and praying that next week will be the book announcement on the pod, and it’ll be available for pre-order, and I’ll be able to, like, tell you the title and do all the things. So it has just been so much. It’s been so much, and I want to give you a little insight into what the title almost was. And this is how I’m going to wrap up with you today. The title of the book, and keep in mind the book is about building healthy and connected relationships. Okay, it’s about building healthy and connected relationships, even when you have an ADHD brain, even when you’re not perfect all the time, even when you know that you have symptoms that are obnoxious and annoying, and show up in a way that affects the people that you love.
We know that we, we own that, we honor that. We’re just like, yes, I know that I have an ADHD brain. I know that the way that I think and act and present myself in the world often conflicts with what people are expecting and wanting from me. I get it, I know it, I own it, but also I don’t think I’m the problem all of the time, and the title of the book was Almost Nobody’s Mad at You, Almost, that’s cute title, right, Nobody’s Mad at You, it’s very catchy, Nobody’s Mad at You, and the reason why that was the title is because that’s kind of how I lived my life was worrying that people were mad at me, even people that I loved, even people that I knew loved me. Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? And when talking to clients and talking to podcast listeners and interacting on Instagram, and if we’re not hanging out on Instagram, what are we doing come hang out with me on Instagram? That is the vibe that I heard from people a lot, like I feel like I’m just always one step away from people being mad at me, even the people that I’m closest to. That was almost the title for the book. It’s also something that Greg has started to say to me as like a point of reassurance. Hey, nobody’s mad at you. And let me tell you, I would almost rather, maybe not almost, maybe just 100% rather hear nobody’s mad at you from my husband than I love you. Like, it is so reassuring, it is so calming, it is so grounding, it is so connecting to hear, hey, nobody’s mad at you. So every once in a while, like, I’ll be like sitting on the couch, and he’ll walk through the living room, and he’ll be like, nobody’s mad at you, and like, oh my gosh, he sees me, he loves me, he understands me, he gets me. How would you feel if your partner said, said that to you? Just, just a reminder, nobody’s mad at you. And now, when he starts a hard conversation, or when he has something to say to me that’s like maybe a point of correction, or a point of like he needs to say, like, “Hey, this is upsetting to me. He often will preface it with, “I’m not mad at you, but I do need to tell you this. Nobody’s mad at you right now, but you do need to know this, and I have got to tell you, that is the most effing reassuring thing ever.
Here’s why I didn’t name the book Nobody’s Mad at You, because there are people who are mad at me. There are there are people who are mad at me right now. There are people that are mad at me. I couldn’t title the book Nobody’s Mad at you when I know full well that there are people currently who are mad at me, so I didn’t name the book. Nobody’s mad at you, but it’s a very interesting experience to be writing a book on relationships, to know that it’s going to be published and read by 1000s of people, and also at the same time, know that there are some very significant relationships in my life where people are mad at me.
I have family members who are mad that I stopped kind of playing the part that I had always played. There are friends that are mad at me for shifting our relationship, because it no longer worked for me. Every person in my company that I’ve had to let go, or have decided to let go, has been mad at me. My kids are mad at me all the time, because I’m their mom, and they’re supposed to be mad at me. Like, that’s just that’s that’s the job, like you show up and you serve your kids, and they are mad at you, like that is the role of being a parent. So, there are.. it’s just a very interesting experience to be like, I’m writing this book from a place of expertise, I.. it’s grounded in research, it’s grounded in experience, it’s grounded in my sort of. Vacations, and my trainings, and the 1000s of hours that I have spent coaching people with ADHD from all over the world, and yet there are people in my life that are mad at me, and gosh, how strange, and I just wonder if you’ve ever experienced something similar, or if maybe currently you are experiencing something similar, where you’re like, I don’t know that I’m doing anything wrong, per se. I’m certainly not doing anything unethical, and I am staying true to my values, and yet there are people that are mad at me, and that’s okay. Like, what if it’s okay? What if it is actually okay? What if I still get to publish a book on relationships, knowing that some of the most critical relationships in my life are marred with this, like, them being mad at me situation. Like, it’s just a wild ride. This life is not for the weak, like living life as a full adult, expressing yourself and living it as an autonomous person who is making decisions that she or he feels is best for themselves and their immediate family. It’s not for the week, y’all. It’s not for the week. You know what’s easier: people pleasing.
Yep, yep, acquiescing, self abandoning, pretending, pretending. I did a lot of pretending for decades, and I’m pretty much done. No, I’m 100% done, I’m 100% done with pretending, and I just want to invite you into that, I just want to invite you, I want to invite you into also being done with pretending, it doesn’t mean that you turn into an asshole, it’s not what that means, but it might mean that you set some limits, it might mean that you stop laughing at jokes that aren’t funny to you, it might mean that you don’t say yes when you want to say no. What does it look like to stop pretending in your relationships? It might look like not letting yourself be the problem in your, let’s say, your romantic partnership. It might look like you saying, actually, it doesn’t work for me any more to pretend that I agree that I’m always the problem. Y’all, we’re at a turning point. I feel it’s just a really interesting, interesting road to navigate right now. And as a community, I feel that we’re at a point where we’re ready to make some significant improvements in the relationships that we have and stop agreeing or pretending that we agree when we don’t stop consenting to always be the problem. Stop pretending that things are okay when they’re not. That’s where I’m at. I’m curious, where you’re at. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope that you are doing well. I hope that the economy, that it’s an afterthought for you, that it’s not even on your mind. I hope that if you’re also at the end of the school year or newly into the summer with your school-age children, that you’re handling it with a lot of self-compassion, a lot of compassion for self and compassion for your kids. It’s their first time, it’s their first time being humans, you know. Compassion for self and compassion for others, it’s where we’re going. That is where we’re going. I adore you, and I can’t wait to talk to you next week. I’ll see you. A few years ago, I went looking for help.
I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself, and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation, you know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn’t find anything, so I researched, and I studied, and I hired coaches, and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for You. Focused is my monthly coaching membership, where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will too. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all details.
