Kristen Carder 0:05
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. So glad to be with you here today. We are going to be talking about motivation and getting ourselves started on tasks. And I know we need it. This is such an issue for those of us with ADHD, motivation is one of those things that is like it feels so fleeting. It feels like it’s just out of our control. It just kind of like breezes in once in a while, and all of the sudden, we get so much done, and then it just leaves on a whim, and then we’re kind of left wondering, now, do I do? When is it gonna be back? How can I trust myself to get anything done if I’m not sure when I am going to feel motivated. We are talking about all of it today, and I’m glad you’re here with me. I want to say thank you so much for your apple reviews, your Spotify comments, your YouTube engagement. It’s been so fun to build this platform and engage with all of you in the different spaces that you listen. I so appreciate the ways in which you show the show support. Show the show. I don’t like how I said that, but whatever show the show support, if you could show the show a little support today, that would mean so much to me. Rate the podcast, review the podcast, give a Spotify, comment, subscribe on YouTube, guys, we are at 7,000. 7,000 on YouTube, which I know is tiny, it’s tiny, but for me, it means a lot, because this process of growing YouTube is different. It’s new. It’s something I’ve never done before, and it’s just a different animal. It’s just a totally different medium that I am learning and enjoying. And so for those of you who are watching, hit that subscribe button. So glad you’re here. I really appreciate everything that you contribute to this community.

All of you listening on Apple Spotify, wherever it is that you listen to the audio podcast, the OGs. Those of you who’ve been around for years and years, I just I adore you, and those who are just finding me for the first time, I’m really glad you’re here. Welcome to this ADHD community where we are learning about adult ADHD and trying to figure out how to make progress in our lives without burning ourselves out. That’s really what we are doing. And if that is something that you’re interested in, I am hosting a free master class on June 16, which is just next week, on the three pillars of self trust for the ADHD brain, if you have ADHD, you struggle with self trust. This is one of the fundamental things that obviously, it’s not a symptom of ADHD, but it is a characteristic. It is kind of like across the board, something that we struggle with so much. And if you’re interested in learning about self trust and how you can just feel more grounded in your decisions, go to Ihaveadhd.com/free class to sign up.

Yes, we have a replay. Yes, I will send it to you if you sign up again, the class is Monday, June 16, at 1pm Eastern. I love teaching. It’s one of the things that I think that I’m really good at. But what I love most is these webinars. These classes are completely live, and when there are hundreds of people with adult ADHD in the room from all over the world, it is such a warm and validating space to be in the same room with other people who have ADHD. It’s just it’s a good time. So again, go to I have adhd.com/free class to sign up and I will see you there. So some of you may know, if you’ve been here for a minute, that I am writing a book. I’m writing a book on relationships for adults with ADHD, how to navigate relationships as an adult with ADHD. That’s not the title, by the way. We don’t have a title yet, but I finally finished the book proposal. I have a publisher that I’m working with. We signed a deal a couple weeks ago, and I’m just, I’m super, super pumped about it, but I wanted to talk about this as we get started today on our conversation around motivation, because the book writing process is very interesting.

Hmm, there is so little dopamine involved in writing a book. I have been at it for a year now, which is wild to say. About a year ago, I said on the podcast that I wanted to write a book, and an agent reached out to me, shout out to Jessica, love you, adore you. And we signed an agreement, started working together, and for the last year, have been writing a book proposal. Your girl did not know how hard it is, how long it takes, how laborious, how involved a book proposal is. Oh my gosh. It took me a whole year. It took me a year my voice gets really high and shrill when I get very activated. But just like the thought of the proposal alone taking me an entire year, I’m the kind of person that gets shit done fast, like when I set my mind to something, I get it done fast. And this was not fast, it was very, very slow, and it’s really hard to summon motivation when things are moving slowly, when you’re moving slowly, when life interrupts your momentum, when you get sick, when you’re traveling, when life is life thing, right? And I just think this is such a great way to start our conversation on motivation and task initiation, because when we have something important that we want to do, when we have something that’s really values aligned, that’s that’s like that we know we are meant to do, I want to say something right as we get started here, yes, this whole episode is on motivation.

Yes, this whole episode is going to help you with motivation. But also, I’m just going to kind of put the cart before the horse here and say that motivation is actually not necessary for us to get stuff done. Because do you think I was motivated to continue for an entire year to write a book proposal? No, I was not. I was not motivated. It was like, This is taking forever. I can’t believe I have to revise this again. I can’t believe this isn’t enough. Like this was it was not motivating. There was not like the winds of motivation didn’t blow in at the right time. Also, it’s the kind of thing where, like, you set aside five hours on a Saturday to write, and it’s like, I need to write regardless of whether or not I’m feeling motivated. And how many of you have projects like that, have deadlines where you’re like, motivation is irrelevant. I have got to get this done. So as we get started, yes, we’re talking about motivation. Yes, we’re going to go into task initiation and all of the ways that like ADHD or struggle with it, how we can improve it, how we can mitigate, like, the barriers to it, but also, but also, I want you to know that actually knowing what you value, knowing what you care about, knowing your why, is way more important than that mushy, gushy, great feeling of motivation, because that shit is fleeting that’s gonna come and go that’s not at your disposal all the time. So as we go through this podcast episode, I really, really want to encourage you. We’re only a couple minutes in, but I want you to, I want to encourage you to start to ground yourself in your values. What are your key core values that are that are grounded enough to move you forward, whether or not you feel motivated. So for me, I want to help as many people with ADHD as possible, and we don’t have a book that is specific to helping ADHD ers with different types of relationships, with friendships, co working relationships, family of origin relationships, like just regular run of the mill, really, we don’t have one of those, and we need it. Our community needs it. That is my why. I want to help more people with ADHD. I want to be able to impact people outside of just like the podcast space, and I want to be able to help people that might not be able to afford my ADHD coaching program called focused, which you should totally join if you’re able to, but if you’re not able to, I want to be able to help you.

I want to be able to give you my brain. I want to be able to to give you access to so much help for a much cheaper price than the cost of a coaching program, right? And so I have a very clear why I have very grounded values as we’re going through this podcast and motivation, which is important, and we’re talking about task initiation. So. Which is important, I want you to think about your values. What is driving you? What is your core? Why? Okay, all right, here we go. If you have, like ever stared at your to do list and you’re just like, I’m not gonna do it. I don’t know where to start. I’m completely paralyzed. Like this pod is for you. What is task initiation? Task initiation is the ability to start a task efficiently without unnecessary delay. Let me say it again. Task initiation is the ability to start a task efficiently without unnecessary delay. How many times have you unnecessarily delayed starting tasks that you know you want to do, that you know you should do, that you just want to have done right? And this is directly related to our executive function. So task initiation is an executive function that is deficient. And as you know, as an adult with ADHD, your executive functioning is impaired, okay? Or maybe you didn’t know that. Maybe you’re learning that for the first time, news flash. As an adult with ADHD, your executive function which is located in the prefrontal cortex of your brain, that area of the brain is impaired, and so your executive functions are deficient to varying degree, right? Not the same as everyone else. Not every executive function is going to be impaired equally, but to varying degrees, executive functions are deficient, and it they include like planning and time management and impulse control and emotional regulation and task initiation. And task initiation is one of these, like cluster skills that that pulls in a bunch of different things. In order to initiate the task, you have to be emotionally regulated. You have to know what you’re doing.

You have to have the ability to plan, you have to have all of these other executive functions to lean on as you’re initiating the task, which is so often why we get paralyzed, and we just don’t do it. We don’t feel motivated. We don’t know what to do. We are paralyzed. Okay? And I feel like I say this in every podcast, but this is not about laziness. This is not about you not caring enough. This is not about you being like a bad person or bad at your job or whatever. This is about. ADHD, okay, task initiation is about your brain’s wiring, and this is so difficult for people with ADHD and even autism, I found this great blog post on nd connect dot app.

It’s written by Elena Bravos. It’s fantastic, and what she says is that some ADHD ers think about themselves as having an interest based nervous system. We’ve talked about this on the podcast, but I love how she puts it here, an interest based nervous system. And I didn’t know this, so I learned something new. William Dodson is actually the one who came up with this term to describe how ADHD ers can struggle with situational demands. William Dodson, bless him, is the one that we have referred to many times regarding rejection, sensitive dysphoria, and I know that he’s contributed. Why can’t I speak? And I know that he’s contributed so much to the ADHD community, and describing interest based nervous system is one of the things that he has contributed. So we’re very grateful to him for that. Although ADHD ers can do things sometimes it’s often inconsistent and it can be hard to perform on demand, this is exactly what I was talking about. Like, okay, I’m blocking off time on a Saturday five hours to write, but how do I know what I’m going to be feeling? How do I know if I’m going to be able to follow through on that? Because it’s very difficult for me to perform on demand, especially when we don’t feel like it. Now, Dodson argues that for lots of ADHD ers, boredom and lack of engagement can feel almost physically painful.

Which who was it that was here? Marcy Caldwell was here and talked about this, that there’s actually research to show that boredom lights up emotional pain centers for us and makes us feel irritable, tense and like we have no energy to do things again. This is from an article in nd connect by Eliana Bravos. We’ll link it in the show notes. She does a great job here. So basically, Dodson is saying that ADHD ers performance, mood and energy levels are in large part determined by four key things interest, like being interested in it fascinated or. Passionate about something, challenge or competitiveness, novelty and urgency. And urgency is so important, right? Like it comes from the external pressure of time, which is often why we wait until the last minute to get something done. Often why we can’t engage our task initiation skill until the clock is striking midnight, and we’re like, oh my gosh, I have to go. I have to do it. I have to do it. It’s because we finally feel that urgency. Now, in comparison, many neurotypical people have an importance based nervous system. Lucky them, they have an importance based nervous system, which means that they’re able to more easily engage in tasks because the task matters, because it’s important to them, because it’s valuable, or there’s some sort of reward, or it has a punishment or consequence if it’s not done. An important difference is that for neurotypical people, urgency matters less, so they’re not necessarily having to wait until the last minute to do it. Tasks don’t have to be important right now to prompt the engagement, just important in general, everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives.

You go to bed at a reasonable time. You wake up early, you make a list, you cross things off the list in order, blah, blah, blah, like, yeah, we know what to do, but ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of knowing exactly what to do but not being able to get yourself to do it. That’s why I created focused. It’s an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I’m a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019 I’ve coached over 4000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from Hot Mess express to grounded and thriving. I’ll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior and accept yourself flaws and all, and with this foundation, we’ll build the skills to improve your life with ADHD. And not only do you get skills and tools and focus, but you’re surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you’re an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused go to I have adhd.com/focused to learn more. That’s I have adhd.com/focused to check it out. Okay, so it’s really interesting, and I think it’s extremely valuable for us to have a deeper understanding of the ADHD brain. We have an interest based nervous system. We often need urgency, challenge, novelty and interest in order to be able to initiate on task, meaning getting started. Okay, I wonder if we could take a stop and think here together, just like a pause. Do you notice that about yourself is that one of the most frustrating things about yourself, are you able to sit with the fact that, like this is the way that your brain is wired, and yes, you can make changes, and yes, you can make improvements, but this is your default setting, and that’s okay.

It’s not something you chose. It’s just something that is and so can you accept that about yourself? Can you accept that about yourself? Now, one of the other things that is a factor here when it comes to motivation and task initiation is that ADHD brains have less dopamine, and dopamine drives motivation. Lucky us, so we have to be more precise. We have fewer dopamine receptors, which means our brains are receiving less dopamine, and since dopamine drives motivation, we struggle with motivation. So this part of our brain is impaired in some ways, so we often can’t feel the urgency or the importance of something or the reward of starting a task, unless, as this Eliana Braavos woman said in her post on nd connect, unless it’s extremely stimulating or there’s great urgency or there’s great novelty, it’s last minute, like, it’s just like, Okay, I gotta go. I don’t have a choice now. I just actually have to. Go. There’s also, like an emotional component to task initiation. So first we we can’t really regulate our dopamine. That’s that’s just a brain thing, but we can’t regulate what I meant to say was motivation. So the instead of feeling motivated, we are often kind of trapped in this, like, fear, Dread, overwhelm, like perfectionistic shame. It’s not going to be good enough. I don’t want to do it. I’m dreading it. It’s going to be awful. And then couple that with like, I should have done it already. I should have already started. Why is this so hard? This shouldn’t be so hard. So now we’re spiraling in self judgment, and because we struggle with emotional regulation. It’s really hard for us to just kind of self soothe and get ourselves out of that. Now there’s also, and maybe someone has said this to you before, there’s also these, like cultural myths, like passed down from people who really don’t understand the neurodivergent brain. Like, if you wanted it badly enough, you just do it, or, I guess you just don’t want to do it, since you’re not doing it. And as I have said before, actually, no, I put off, avoid and procrastinate most on the things that I care deeply about because of the fear and overwhelm and perfectionism and really wanting it to be so good, and not trusting myself that it will be good, and not knowing if, if the impact that I want to make is going to be just enough. Oh, I’m getting a little emotional here. I truly, I truly avoid and procrastinate the most on the things that I care about most. And I think that that is really typical for us at each doers. But what is so painful is that in our families or in our partnerships or in our friendships or at work, we’re so misunderstood because we there’s this attitude, this aspect of like, I guess you don’t actually want it badly enough. And I know that’s not true. And as I parent my kids, one of whom is quite neurodivergent, I always try to encourage him. I have three boys, and I always try to encourage him, because there are certain things that I know that he wants, that he really avoids. And I always try to encourage him by saying, I know you really want this. I can see it. And I just want to encourage you that like I know you can do it, and you’ll get there eventually. And I just wonder if anybody talks to you that way, if anybody has ever parented you in that way, and if not, we missed out on a lot, you know? Okay, let’s move on so we don’t get emotional, because ain’t, nobody got time for that.

Here are some common barriers to getting started. So that’s essentially what task initiation is. Is just getting started. It is starting. It’s getting started on the things that you want to start. So some common barriers for us are we’re overwhelmed or anxious, so we’re feeling dysregulated. We don’t really connect to the why of the task. A lot of us are just doing things because we should do them because we think we should do them, because someone else has asked us to do them, because they seem like like, I guess good people do this, and I want to be a good person, so I have to do it so we’re not super connected to the why the task feels vague or too big or unclear. I will say that this was a big barrier for me with my book proposal, because this is all so brand new to me. The whole book writing process is so brand new. I haven’t even known anyone in real life who’s written a book proposal like I I’ve never talked to anyone about it like I just it’s it was so vague and like wrapping my head around it. Whoo, very, very difficult for me. So when that is, when that is a part of our task, that it just feels big and vague and unclear, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be able to get ourselves to initiate unless we gain clarity in it. On it. Another reason why we struggle to initiate is because we’re afraid of doing it wrong. We struggle with perfectionism.

As you know, perfectionism is the most common thought distortion for adults with ADHD, according to Dr Russell Ramsey, another, aspect of this is we just don’t have enough support. We’re just, like, trying to start without support. And also, I think if I’m going to add one at the end here, it’s like, we want to wait around until the conditions are good. So it’s like, now’s not a good time for me to do this because it’s raining. Now’s not a time, a good time for me to do this because my desk is messy, and I should do that first. Now’s not a time a good time because I don’t really quite feel right, or I don’t feel motivated, and I have to wait to do it until I feel motivated, which, again, is the biggest myth ever. If we can instead of motivation, if we could access determination, that will be a good enough fuel for us to get started. So with this book, which I’m going to be writing for the next six months, six months in each year, I want you to think about long term projects, and how hard learn long term projects are to complete. Do you know, my friend, that you won’t even be able to read the book until the fall of 2026 that means that I have to wait for dopamine so long until the fall of 2026 so the delayed dopamine really makes it super hard for me to initiate the task, because I want dopamine now. I want to engage in tasks that are offering me dopamine now, which, by the way, rabbit trail. I have been planting flower gardens all over my property, which is not a large property, but that’s neither here nor there. I am finding places to plant flowers, and I am in love with flower beds, and I think that we can all agree that I am squarely into my 40s, because I think that’s like something that old people do. And I’m not old, but I am in my 40s, and I think this is proof. And so when I am looking at my Saturday and I’m saying,

Okay, I have the option to play with flowers, or I have the option to write a book that no one’s going to read for a year and a half, it’s really hard to initiate on the task that has the delayed dopamine. And so I want to let you know that what I’ve been accessing is my very clear why I want to help as many people with ADHD as possible. I am committed, committed, committed. And I think about you listener, and I think about your relationships, and I think about how much help all of us in the ADHD community need from someone who is kind and compassionate and trauma informed. It’s important. It’s so important that we’re connected deeply to our why. So I think about that. Okay, moving on. How do we actually get started? I think before we can get started, we really, truly, 100% have to understand why we’re resisting. If I had $1 for every time I said, I don’t know why I’m not just starting. I don’t know why I don’t know why I can’t just make myself do this. I don’t get it. I don’t know why it’s such a powerless place to be in, even if you don’t take action, even if you’re committed to not taking action, even if you’re fully committed to not initiating on the task. Don’t tell yourself you don’t know why. Okay, because after listening to 26 ish minutes of this podcast. We do know why. We know exactly why. The reason why is that you, you’re you’re struggling with resistance because you have an interest based nervous system that wants urgency and dopamine and motivation and novelty and challenge, and this task doesn’t involve any of that. And we also know that you’re resisting, probably because you can ask yourself and fill in the blank, but some perfectionism, some fear, some dread knowing that it’s going to be hard, like knowing the cost sometimes I don’t initiate on a task because my brain is doing a cost benefit analysis of like, how much is this going to cost me in energy and in like, emotional pain, and what is the benefit to me going to be? How soon is the benefit?

So again, with the book writing process. It costs me a lot to sit down and write. I’m exhausted afterwards. And the benefit truly, the dopamine that’s not gonna that is 18 months away, 18 months away, so getting myself to initiate on that task. And I keep using this as an example, because I think it’s relevant. A lot of us have things that we want to do, that we’re putting off, where the dopamine is is delayed, where there is no real deadline. You know, like there is a deadline. I have a manuscript deadline. I have to turn in the Manu, like, the full manuscript by November 1. But like, that is a. Long time away, my friends, that there is a lot of life to be lived between now and November 1. It’s like, I think we’re good, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. So don’t say I don’t know why I’m not doing this on like, really begin to self reflect and understand your resistance, and then give yourself some compassion. This makes sense. It makes sense that you’re feeling this way. You’re not lazy.

There’s, there is a real reason why you’re resisting, why you’re not initiating on this task. And like, Yeah, we’re gonna deal with that. But first, I just need to tell you, this makes sense. You’re allowed to be this way. This is your brain’s default, and that’s okay, as with everything else, with getting anything done, emotional regulation has to come first. Like if you are feeling dread, if you are feeling fear, if you are feeling that full body resistance, I invite you to take some time to emotionally regulate. Now, you might say, I don’t have time to feel my emotions. I just need to get the things done. And I would say, How’s that working for you? Are you doing it? Is it? Is it happening? Because you might be telling yourself, I don’t I don’t have time for emotional regulation. I just have to do it. Okay. Well, are you doing it, or are you? Because what I can tell you with my clients is that when I ask them that question, first of all, they get mad at me, which is valid. But second of all, they say, No, I’m not doing it. And then I say, Okay, well, then how about we spend 10 minutes regulating and self soothing before you attempt to activate, before you attempt to initiate on this task? Okay, okay, thank you for that. All right. Next, I really want you to think about, how can you make this easier for yourself? How can you make it easier for yourself? Can you can you cut down on the time so if I block off five hours on a Saturday to write, that’s pretty daunting. Could I tell myself and like, truly mean it? Hey, let’s just get started with one hour and see how you’re feeling after that. Can we make the time smaller? Can we break it down into smaller steps? Could I say, All right, we’re gonna do an hour and a half in the morning and an hour and a half in the in the evening, and you have your whole afternoon free. Maybe creating some visual cues or some timers. I love the Time Timer.

It like shows the passage of time in a really cool way. So it’s really great for those of us with the ADHD brain, any way that you can reduce friction without being perfectionistic and without engaging in procrastivity tasks. So a lot of us, what we do is we’re like, I’m gonna reduce friction by cleaning my entire home before I get started, which, my friend is just procrastivity, which is a procrastinating task that is like, like, Sure, it’s a great thing if your house is clean, I guess, but not at the expense of you doing the thing that you really need to do. Okay? So remove distractions. Put your phone in a phone jail. I use brick. So I brick my phone. You can go to brick.com to learn about it. It’s pretty great. And it just removes all of the apps and stuff from my phone. And I can’t, I can’t get to it without, like, then walking over to the brick. Anyway, anyway, this podcast is not sponsored by brick. Um, the next thing that we need to talk about is dropping perfectionism, which I have an entire course on perfectionism.

I highly recommend that if you suspect that perfectionism is one of the things that keeps you from initiating tasks. Take this course. It’s great. It’ll be really, really helpful for you. We’ll put a link up right here, and we will also drop the link in the show notes as well. And yeah, I really, highly recommend it. But anyway, we need to drop perfectionism, because perfectionism tells us a couple of things. Perfectionism says I have to the conditions need to be just so in order for me to get started, and that is a lie from the pit of hell, it’s just not true. It is just not true. Okay, so one of the things that I learned from from someone who I used to learn from a lot, who I don’t consider a mentor anymore at all, but she used to say being b minus work can change the world, and that was so helpful to me. And I wonder if that’s helpful for you, your work does not need to be a. Plus, it can be B minus. You couldn’t. You can ask yourself, Okay, can we just do a b minus job on this? Can we at least get started with B minus work, and if we want to edit it afterwards, great. But can we just get started here with, like, something? Essentially, we’re trying to get our brains to consent to get moving.

We need to get our brains to consent to get moving. And again, we need to check in with our values. This is where we started out from the very beginning. Motivation is amazing, being able to just like task initiate, because the winds of motivation have blown in, and we just feel so inspired and so so energized to get it done. That’s great, but that is not our typical state. That is not what is normally happening. Normally. We feel kind of blah. Normally. We don’t want to do it normally. Our typical State is one of fear and dread and perfectionism and resistance. Okay, so if we can tune into why do I want to do this? Is this aligned with my values? Am I doing this because of someone else’s expectations? Am I shoulding on myself like, what’s going on here? If I can align with I want to do this because it is deeply connected to something that matters to me, that’s so important, because then all of the sudden, as we’re doing this thought work around, why do I want to do this? Why is this important? How does this move the needle forward for me or for somebody that I care about? All of the sudden, feelings like determination and willingness and readiness are kind of arising within us, and that can be the fuel to power us to initiate on the tasks.

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The last thing that I want to talk about here is just planning a reward for yourself, especially if there’s delayed dopamine on the project, especially if you know that, like, the thing that you’re doing is not going to give you a lot of dopamine, even if it’s something like dishes, like, there’s zero dopamine involved in dishes, zero. And yet, we have to do them all day, every day. Same thing with Laundry. Laundry is always there. It never, ever ends. And whatever that is for your job or for your life. It’s like these kinds of tasks that just need to get done. They have zero dopamine involved. How can you give yourself some dopamine?

What’s the word? Not organically? How can you manufacture some dopamine for yourself? That’s the word Okay, so I bet that many of you listening right now to this podcast are using this podcast as a body double as a little dopamine hit while you’re getting something done that’s really not that fun, maybe you are doing your dishes or folding your laundry, or you’re out for a run, or you’re mowing the lawn. You’re doing something like that that’s like, it’s just something that has to be done, and you want to add in a little dopamine hit with it. I do the same thing. I listen to podcasts constantly. I also FaceTime my sister, or I’ll call a friend, and I’ll try to do things like that. If it’s a task that I can just you know that I don’t need my full brain for Does that make sense? But in other, other ways that you can do that is a fun snack or something fun to do afterwards, or, like, watch your favorite show.

I again, another rabbit trail. I have been wanting to watch Secret Lives of Mormon wives. I haven’t watched it yet, but I’ve heard about it, let me know if it’s a good show. It’s next on my list and and I will use that as a little dopamine hit after I do something that’s not super fun, after I’ve gone through all of the work involved in initiating on a task that is difficult to initiate on remember it is task initiation is difficult for those of us with ADHD, not because we’re bad people, not because we don’t care enough, not because we’re lazy, not because any of that, but because it is connected to our executive function, And our executive function is deficient and task initiation is one of those executive functions that is so difficult for us, getting started on the things, getting started on the things. So if you can understand your brain and how your body is connected, and how everything is working really kind of working against you here, and kind of like accept that and give yourself a ton of self compassion, and then implement some of these strategies, especially aligning with your values. Why do I care about this? Why do I want to get it done? I remember when I was really practicing doing dishes, which only someone with ADHD is going to understand what I say, understand what I mean when I say, practicing doing dishes. When I was practicing keeping my kitchen clean and doing my dishes, I would think about the kind of experience that I wanted for my kids as they entered into the space. So I had like this counter space, like this island, where the kids would kind of gather to, like, eat snacks, and they’re not little anymore. Oh my gosh, let’s take a moment of mourning.

They’re not little anymore, but they were little, and they would come and they would sit and they would have a snack, and I would think about, what kind of experience do I want them to have as they’re sitting at the counter and and I would think through, like, Okay, I want them to feel peaceful. I want them to have enough room to sit. I want them to feel just like calm. And so that would be my fuel to just do the freaking dishes, which I hated doing. And I would have to, like, really connect to that values based why, and use that as my fuel, because motivation wasn’t there. Motivation is fleeting. Motivation comes and goes. Is never there when I need it. That’s what it seems like anyway, and I certainly wasn’t motivated to do my dishes. But if I could kind of think through like, why does this matter? What impact is this going to have? And begin to feel that like, determination, that willingness, that like, Okay, I’m gonna get this done, because I think it has. I think it’s going to affect other people. I think it’s going to make their lives better. And I want to do it, and that then becomes the fuel, because motivation is just like, fleeting, all right. I hope this is really helpful, and I want to play for you a voicemail from Jeffrey. I saved this voicemail specifically for this episode, because it relates so perfectly, and it’s a great way to wrap up the episode. If you want your question answered on the podcast, you can call 833-281-2343, and let’s go ahead and hear from Jeff. 

Caller 44:05
My name is Jeffrey, tell and I live in New Mexico. I was introduced to your podcast at episode 299, because I was trying to find information on follow through, and I’ve struggled with it for years. I’m 50 years old now, and I still have issues with follow through. And your segment was remarkably enlightening. But here’s my question, I’m working on my big why? What gets me out of bed in the morning? In fact, I believe I have it. My wife and I hope to retire in a mountain cabin, and that’s what we’re working towards. But what happens when the follow through fails? Because what I have to do doesn’t fit with my big why? For example, state reporting is an important part of the work I do, and while I like my job, it. That is not something that gets my big why juices going, if that makes any sense. So the trying to focus and trying to vision and find the big why doesn’t seem to apply when it’s work or when it’s the work parts of life. So what is the best method, or what are good strategies for lack of follow through when it’s the work stuff that really, I’ve believed my entire life, you just have to suck it up and deal with it. But I’m 50, and I haven’t learned how to suck it up and deal with it yet, so any help, I will be listening to the podcast now that I’ve discovered it, and I’m going back through past episodes to see what I missed. Thank you very much for posting, and I look forward to hearing more great information. Have a good day. 

Kristen Carder 45:51
Jeffrey, that was amazing when you said, I’m 50 years old and I haven’t learned how to suck it up and deal with it like my heart. I was like, yes, that is ADHD in a nutshell. I love it. Thank you so much for calling. I loved hearing from you. Listener, if you want your question answered, called, 833-281-2343, we also have that in the show notes, so you can go there and find the number, okay. Here’s the thing. First of all, I love the idea of a mountain cabin. I can envision it. You and your beautiful wife retiring in a mountain cabin. Are you kidding me? That is the best why ever? Now, here’s the thing. Your question is, what happens when the tasks that I need to do don’t fit in with my big why? You mentioned work and you mentioned state reporting and following through on those types of things. And here is what I want to offer to you, Jeffrey, my dear, I don’t believe that your work and your state reporting don’t fit in with your big why your big? Why is to retire in a mountain cabin with the love of your life? My question for you is, is it possible to retire in a mountain cabin with your wife, without keeping your job, like if you stopped state reporting and you stopped following through at work today at 50 years old, would you be able to retire in your mountain cabin. Would you be able to do that? Would you be able to take that step? Would you be able to fulfill that vision? My guess is no, that you actually need that job for 510, 15 more years in order to eventually retire with your wife in a mountain cabin? Yes. And so what I’m seeing is that you’re just not connecting how closely related you performing well at your job is to your big why you perform well at your job, then you get to keep your job.

And we like keeping jobs. Keeping jobs is the best, because when we keep our job, we get to then decide when we retire. Okay, and so your why, of like the vision of mountain cabin, which I can picture it. Ah, I can picture it. It’s gorgeous. It’s just like a pretty simple but beautiful cabin in a very woodsy, lovely mountain area, probably like a little stream running through the back, probably some hiking trails, like I am obsessed. But in order for you to realize that vision, you have to keep your job. You have to follow through on the state reporting. You have to do the things, even though the dopamine is a couple years out. And I just want to relate this to my book writing process, because apparently I have to make this about me. Apparently I have to bring myself into your story and say, like, listen, I understand what it’s like to have the delayed dopamine and the why that feels really, really it feels really important, but it’s kind of hard to connect to like right now because it’s a few years out. And I just want to say, my friend you, I want you to draw very, very clear comparisons, clear lines, with the why that you have, which is mountain cabin and you keeping your job and doing a good job at your job. So every single time you complete. The state reporting every single time you follow through on something at work, you are directly impacting your ability to retire in a mountain cabin with your wife. It’s like it does. It fits the big why? I just don’t think you’re making that connection, and I really want to pull that in for you, I think for all of us and listener, I really want to pull you in here. I want you to think and make clear connections between, like, your core values and your big why and like, the really mundane, boring stuff that you have to do every single day, they are connected. So like, if one of your values is to be, I don’t know, like a great parent, well, there’s so many boring, stupid things that you have to do all day, every day in order to be a great parent. And so can you make those connections for your brain?

Can you make the gap between your task and your why can you? Can you bridge the gap between the two? Because it might feel like state reporting has nothing to do with mountain cabin, but actually they’re very closely connected. Jeffrey and I wonder if you listener are are able to make some connections for yourself too. Like, for me, it was like, I can do the dishes so that my kids have a calm space to eat a snack. That seems kind of like, okay. Like, do I don’t know if that’s really connected for everybody, but for me, that felt like a solid why? It felt really like a like a solid reason. Or for me, like writing this Saturday, I’m gonna sit down writing for hours, even though the dopamine is gonna be delayed a year and a half. Well, I’m making the connection between the work that I’m doing now and my very strong why so Jeffrey and other listeners, I really encourage you to bridge the gap so that, and this is again, of course, relating to task initiation. We can get ourselves to do the things period. We can get ourselves to do the things. That’s what we want. We want to be able to get ourselves to do the things, but so that we can eventually reach those goals, so that we can eventually realize the vision and be able to, like, look back and say, look at all I’ve done to get here like Jeffrey, when you and your wife in five or 10 or 15 years are sitting in that mountain cabin, and you’re looking across at her, and she looking across at you, and you’re just like listening to the sound of the wind blow through the trees. You will only be able to do that. You will only be able to sit there and enjoy all of that because of the state reporting that you did because of the follow through on the mundane tasks at work that you did. They’re directly, directly connected.

All right, guys, this has been so fun. Thanks for being here today. I cannot wait to talk to you next week. I will see you then bye, bye, if you’re being treated for your ADHD, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential, you’ve got to join focus. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted, no matter what season of life you’re in or where you are in the world, focus is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused, for all the info you.