Kristen Carder 0:05
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.
Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. I am here with you today, coming at you with an episode all about goal setting. We ADHD ers fall into a very predictable, delicious, yummy, yummy trap called our goal. Our goals are too big. We make we make goals that are so big. We over promise, we under deliver, we over commit, we underperform. We’re going to talk about all of that today. If you’ve ever been frustrated because you’re just like, I know that I can do a lot. I know I can do big things in my life. I know that there’s so much in me, there’s so much potential, but I’m just like, not moving forward. Like, what the heck? Why can’t I just take the steps forward? Why can’t I just complete these big goals that I feel like I have the potential to complete? We’re gonna be talking about it today. I cannot wait as we get started. I just wanna say thank you so much for all of the ways that you interact with this show, and if you haven’t already liked subscribed on YouTube, that would be amazing if you would do that right now, my goal is to get to 10,000 subscribers. And I have said this before, it’s a small goal. It’s a small goal. It is a realistic, doable goal.
That’s what that is, and actually that is on brand, on theme for today’s podcast. Because actually my real goal is I want over 100,000 subscribers. That’s the real goal. But we’re at like eight and a half k right now as I’m sitting here recording. And to say that I want to go from eight and a half 1000 subscribers to 100,000 I don’t know how to do that. You don’t know how to help me do that like your your one little Subscribe. How is that going to help me? Right? And so that will debilitate me, and it might even debilitate you. But if I say, Hey, I’m at eight and a half 1,008.5, subscribers, 1000 subscribers? Could you help me get to 10,000 that is a doable goal. There are 1000s of people that listen to this episode. If everyone just clicked that subscribe button, we would get there today. You know, I’m saying today. And so I am just so proud of myself for making this request for like, subscribes, and also, just like, if you listen on Apple or Spotify, thank you so much for being here. Hit that rating button. I read your comments. I read your reviews every day, every day, like a weirdo. I wake up and go to the review so like, know that I see you, know that I appreciate you. It is the best. It is so meaningful to me, and today we’re talking about setting realistic goals for ADHD ers, I feel like I’ve probably already lost you, because no person with ADHD wants to set a realistic goal. Am I right? No person with ADHD actually wants their goal to be realistic, because realistic is boring, realistic is not exciting. Realistic is for babies, realistic is for really boring people. And we 80 years are spicy and fun and exciting, and we don’t want to set boring goals. So forget about it, okay, and we’re going to have a conversation about this, because I understand, but what happens when we rely on dopamine to set our goals is that we end up making fantasy goals.
We end up making goals that are just a fantasy So, for example, since I am new to YouTube, and I am just the brand new kid on the block, and I’m just like, Hey guys, what’s up? I’m here. I don’t know how to grow YouTube channel, but my goal is have 100,000 subscribe. That’s a fantasy goal. We are not there yet. We need to go little by little by little. Not only is it a fantasy, not only is it a fantasy, it’s debilitating. None of us know how to do that. How do we get Kristen Carter, how do we get the I have ADHD podcast channel to 100,000 subscribers? I don’t know. And then I will spin out, and then I will be sad every single day because I’m quote, unquote, only going up by 100 subscribers. Do you know. I’m saying. And so these fantasy goals that we set actually debilitate us. They actually impair our ability to make slow and steady progress forward. They actually impede our progress. Okay, she’s getting fired up already, and we’re like, three minutes into the show, like, why are we fired up already? It’s very clear that people with ADHD have a desire for intense transformation, and that is valid, and we need to honor that. But I think there’s a disconnect between our desire and our urgency for intense transformation and just the reality of the world that we live in. There’s a disconnect between the two, and so we have this intense desire for transformation. We also also have, like, a lot of impatience.
We’re totally feeling, like, the urgency of like, I got to do it. I got to do it. I’m not okay. If i don’t i There’s no time. I had a client that I was coaching yesterday, and she said, I feel like I’m I’ve wasted so much time. And like, God bless her. I just, I really felt for her. She was nearly in tears, saying, I’ve, I just, I have so many goals, and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. And I asked her, I was like, How old are you, honey? And she said, I’m 27 and I was like, girlfriend, your 20s, like you’re gonna be okay. This urgency, this, like, no tolerance for slow progress, this, this all or nothing, mindset of like, I’m either at my goal or I’m not? Oh, we’re gonna talk about it today. We’re gonna talk all about it the all. Let’s dive into that just for a second. We have this all or nothing mindset where it’s like, I’m either at my goal so I can be satisfied with myself when I’m at my goal or I’m not at my goal, but we’re not willing. So it’s black and white, thinking we’re not willing to see the slow and steady steps that we’re taking forward. We’re not willing to give ourselves credit for the progress that we’re making. This woman that I was coaching yesterday and focused, she wasn’t giving herself any credit. She wasn’t given she had done so much, she had come so far, she had multiple degrees. She had all this self awareness. She had done a ton of healing work. I was like, lady like, you are not wasting your time. You are making such beautiful progress.
And this is just how life is. It takes a while to get shit done, you know? Okay, we we also do this thing where we want the dopamine hit of the perfect plan. I don’t know if you relate to that, but we want, we love, the dopamine hit of a good plan. And so we bedazzle our plan. We bedazzle our schedule. We bedazzle like thinking through everything. But then what happens is we get enough dopamine from that plan that we don’t actually take the steps to move forward and follow through on the plan. So, like, the planning is way more fun than the doing. And then when we stay in this like, over commit, under deliver, then shame spiral and give up pattern, right? So we over commit, because that feels good. It feels good to make a big goal. It feels good to make a bedazzled plan. It feels good to tell someone, yes, I will do that for you. That’s where we get the dopamine, right? Unfortunately, that’s not where we should be getting the dopamine, but that’s where many of us ADHD ers are sucking the dopamine, right there in the over committing part. Then, of course, the reality of having to do the thing doesn’t feel good, it’s boring, it’s frustrating, it takes time away from other things that doesn’t feel good, and we we’re not sure how to regulate that. We’re like, oh, this goal doesn’t feel good anymore. I guess it’s not the goal. I guess I shouldn’t move forward. I guess that means that I need to pivot and so we don’t end up following through, then we feel shame about not following through, and like, oh, here I go again. I’m so unreliable. This is just me not not following through, and what I said I’m gonna do, I can never trust myself. So there’s that shame spiral, and then the shame spiral inevitably leads us to give up, and then the process starts all over again, over, commit, underperform, shame spiral, give up. My gosh, you guys, are you feeling it like?
Do you feel like this is you like this is just so, so important that we talk about so how do we interrupt this pattern? How do we interrupt this pattern? It’s so important, and we’re going to talk about it today. We’re going to talk about setting realistic goals. Goals and then managing the boredom and the frustration of actually following through on those goals. But before we get to all of it, how about we listen to a voicemail and answer a question from Kate. We’re gonna hear from Kate. She has a question. She’s turning 40. Y’all, she’s turning 40. Such a big, monumental birthday. I love it so much. Let’s hear from Kate. Go ahead,
Caller 10:25
hi Kristen, it’s Kate calling from way up in Upper Peninsula of Michigan. So I’m turning 40 tomorrow, and I have ADHD and I recently discovered your podcast, and it’s been really helpful, but I still feel like I’m indecisive about where I go, what I do with the rest of my life, and I would really love to choose a direction, like I have a lot of passions, I’m good at a lot of things, but I don’t know what I really want yet, but I’m training for you. I think it’s time to decide. So I, in the past, have had a traumatic relationship that was abusive, and there was a lot of, like, gaslighting and stuff, and I believe he used my ADHD against me, and so I’m out of that. And I was seeing a therapist who was trauma based, but I was talking a lot about my ADHD, and she was not familiar enough with ADHD, so she kind of said, maybe you need a new therapist. I really think the ADHD and trauma is related, but that felt like she broke up with me, and I haven’t been able to she was a new therapist since then. That was just like, oh, you know the rejection, sensitive dysphoria that we all have when you’re ADHD. That hurt. I really liked her. So there’s trauma, there’s ADHD, I’m turning 40. I’m in a good place now, the relationship and I just want to move forward from life without feeling bad about myself and without, you know, with the program messages that I was, you know, my 14 years of marriage, that I was like, ingrained in me, that I was not good enough. I want to move past that. I think you could help me.
Kristen Carder 12:08
Kate, oh my gosh. I think I can help you too. So I’m so glad that you called in. I’m so glad that you were so vulnerable. And Listen, lady, happy birthday. That’s so exciting. 40 is the best. I just absolutely love being in my 40s. Listen. If you want your question answered on the podcast, you can call 833-281-2343, that is 833-281-2343, that’s also in the show notes, just so you know, call in and I will answer your questions on the podcast as well. All right, Kate, let’s unpack this for a second. First, I’m really sorry that your therapist said that to you, like to me, I would also be very hurt. And for a therapist to just say, maybe you need a new therapist without also following it up with a lot of reassurance. I think you are great. I love working with you. I don’t know that I’m the best fit for you. Let me help you find someone else that would be a better fit, since ADHD seems to be a big component of what you want to talk about.
Like, if she had said it in that way, you probably would not be feeling the sting of rejection, but because she was just like, Well, maybe you need to find a new therapist. Like that was a really sucky way for her to say it, and I’m sorry that that’s so hurtful. I would have been so hurt. And I just, I don’t know, I just, I want to say, I’m sorry that you had to endure that. I also want to say to you and to everyone listening, one of the things that I have found to be true is that a lot of therapists don’t understand ADHD, and that if you do want ADHD specific help, coaching, and especially trauma informed coaching, is probably the route to take. What I tell my clients and Kate, you can take this or leave this, but what I tell my clients is ADHD coaching like that’s where you’re going to find the ADHD help, because those are the people, presumably, an ADHD coach like myself is going to have a deep knowledge of the disorder, know how to specifically work with people with ADHD and have an understanding about, like, the goal setting that you’re talking About, and like, how to move forward with ADHD, a therapist, though, and it sounds like what you’re looking for is trauma informed therapy.
And I guess she was, but like, also I question it that is really important, because unpacking maybe your childhood story, but especially that long term relationship. That you had, and unpacking all of the trauma involved with that. And I totally agree with you, trauma and ADHD are very closely connected. So finding a therapist that is really trauma informed and that will help you to unpack all of that trauma is going to be really, really important for you, but having a coach that will be ADHD specific, and be able to work with you regarding ADHD topics, ADHD symptoms, how they relate to your life, emotional regulation for ADHD motivation, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. That’s where I would recommend.
I would love for you to join focused. I would love for you to come into our program. It is the most transformational ADHD coaching program that like is out there, and I highly recommend that you, that you come on board that that is where I can help you, for sure, but there are a couple of things that I do want to speak to and listen this whole episode is for you, Kate, this whole episode about setting realistic goals is for you. Now, there was a part two to your to your call, which we didn’t have time to play, but the part two in part two, you said, I want to find a career that’s permanent. I just want to know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. And my dear Kate, listen, that is a fantasy goal. That’s what I’m talking about when I’m talking about creating a fantasy around your goals, knowing what you’re going to do, having an ADHD or commit to what they’re going to do, quote, unquote, for the rest of their life. Fantasy, could you instead set a more realistic goal, like, hey, in 2026 this is what I want to do if I end up doing that forever, great, but like, I’m not even committed to doing things for the rest of my life. And I I feel like I’m right now living my life’s purpose, but I’m also giving myself grace and space to evolve, to grow, to change over time. And so that’s, that’s a pretty fantasy based goal of like, for the rest of my life. So I just really want you to understand that, like, let’s, let’s walk it back just a little bit. Let’s set something a little bit more realistic for yourself.
I also want to say that, like, 40 is such an amazing age, and for you to know yourself so much better at this age, to have been through all of the heartache and hardship that you’ve been through, and to come out the other side, it sounds like you’re struggling to trust yourself, and that makes sense because of the relationship that you were in, but I just want to encourage you to build your bank of evidence of how much you can trust yourself. You have gotten yourself this far in life. You will be able to take yourself farther. You have gotten yourself out of an abusive relationship. That’s incredible. You take care of yourself, that’s incredible. You can trust yourself to make good decisions and to follow through and to set goals and meet them. But here’s the deal, let’s not overcome it. Let’s not set a fantasy goal. Let’s not set a goal that’s just really unrealistic, like I want to commit to one career for the rest of my life. How about we just think through what do I want to do for the next year? Okay, I’d love for you to start there. And this whole episode, Kate is dedicated to you on your birthday. It’s all about setting goals. So you can use all of this to help you decide what you want to do next. Thank you so much for calling in. I so appreciate you.
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Okay, up next my friends. Unfortunately for the ADHD, er, I’m going to say something disgusting, and I am so sorry, but setting goals should not be a dopamine inducing process. Hear me out when, when you set a goal and it floods you with dopamine, that is actually a signal that the goal is likely too high, too unrealistic, because actually reaching goals does not feel good, the grind of doing the things required to meet the goal don’t that don’t feel good, that feels terrible. Actually, for example, if you have a goal, I don’t like to get fit that, like the going to the gym before work, that doesn’t feel good, that feels terrible, that feels terrible. Or if you have a goal to lose weight, like eating a keto diet. I mean, maybe the Keto apologists out there are going to be like, keto is amazing, but like for the rest of us, we know that that’s not going to feel good, right?
Or if you have a goal like I do, to write a book, guess what? There’s zero dopamine in writing a book, you guys are going to read it in a year and a half. Oh, gosh, I still have a year and a half until I get to that dopamine hit. So, like, realistic goals, goals that, like, are truly values aligned and like that we’re able to reach. They they don’t induce a lot of dopamine. They’re just kind of like, oh gosh. A lot of times they’re kind of scary, or a lot of times, we just know what it’s going to take to do it. We know the cost benefit analysis. We know what’s involved in the process that doesn’t feel good. Okay, so if you are getting dopamine hits from setting the goal, red flag, if you’re getting a dopamine hit from making the plan. Red flag, if you’re getting a dopamine hit, if you’re laying in your bed and you’re fantasizing about what it’s going to be like when you complete the goal, red flag, the dopamine doesn’t belong there. The dopamine does not belong on in the goal setting portion of reaching goals, the dopamine belongs along the way, as we are doing the things and reaching like the the slow and steady marks, okay, okay, so I decided this year that I needed to build some muscle. I think I shared in my last episode that I have. I’ve always been a I use the word scrawny. I’m sorry.
I just was this is, this is genetically how I’ve always been a very scrawny person, zero muscle tone, not strong. But I am entering into my midlife. I’m not in my midlife yet, because I’m gonna live to 100 it’s my that’s my goal. That’s that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna live to 100 so when I’m 50, midlife, not there yet, but very close. I need to build some muscle. I need to build muscle. And so I decided to start yoga now, because I’ve been doing this work for years, I did not commit to going to four classes a week. I just said to myself, I’m gonna figure out how to go to one class a week. I’m gonna figure out how to get my butt on the yoga mat at this studio once a week. And for like two to three months, I started in like November. And for two to three months, I went every Thursday night at 7pm whenever I could. It was hot. It’s hot yoga. Oh gosh, I love it so much. It’s so hot, and they run like a hum. Not a humidifier? Is it a humidifier? What’s the one? Called where it puts humidity into the air?
Yes. I. Humidifier. So they run a humidifier. It is hot, it is steamy, it is humid. It’s my kind of weather. I grew up in Guam This is my weather, hot and humid. And so I started in November. I started going to one class a week, because I don’t set unrealistic goals anymore. I did not set a goal to go three to four times a week. I set a goal to go once a week. And it took me a while to figure it out. Took me a while to figure out. How long does it actually take to get there? What time do I actually have to, like, make dinner and clean it up by by the time so, like, if I’m gonna feed my family and go to yoga, do I have to shower after or not? The answer is yes, you absolutely do. Kristen Carter have to shower afterwards. How long does that take? What time am I actually like on the couch with my sparkling water and my phone and my readers? Because now I wear readers, guys, now I wear readers. Okay, it’s a whole new life for me. Okay, that took me a long time to figure out. Once I had that down and it was easy and just going every week was like easy for me, easy for my family. It was just a part of the life. It was just a part of our life. Then I added in Mondays, Mondays at 6pm not hot yoga, unfortunately, Mondays at 6pm and then that took a while to figure out. And so by the time that I had figured out how to go to two classes a week, it was like five months in. Okay, so now we’re in, like, Wait, November, December, January, February, March, April. Yes, that makes sense. So five full months of going from one class then two classes. Guess who goes three times a week now? Yeah, just guess who goes three times a week to yoga.
Me, I do. I do. But if I had started with saying I’m going three times a week I’m going to do that, I would have, there’s no way I would have been able to do it. It. It is too hard to figure out all of the logistics and all of the executive function and all that is involved in in in going three times a week, plus, I would have been so sore. I would have been so sore, so I would have absolutely thrown in the towel. How do I know that? Because I have four decades of evidence to support it. I’ve done this over and over. I’ve made fitness goals. I’ve made tons of different goals. I felt the dopamine hit of like, oh my gosh, I’m gonna go three times a week. I’m gonna be so fit, and then I don’t do it because I it was unrealistic. I didn’t figure out how to do it little by little. So I gradually added in more. Now I’m going three times a week, and one of those classes, I will say, is power yoga. Power Yoga, although I call it unhinged yoga, because it is so fast and I giggle the whole time I don’t know a single soul. So nobody in Berks County talks to anybody, and it’s really hard and really lonely, but that’s fine. I just giggle the whole time because it is so fast, like, up down, it’s hilarious. But anyway, it’s hard and it is great, and now I get to go to it because I’ve done the work of gradually increasing. Okay, so this is the point is that when we’re actually setting a realistic goal, it’s not that fun going once a week to yoga kind of felt like, what’s the point is this even taking me to my fitness goal? Is this even making a difference? It’s just one yoga class, but honestly, allowing myself to go once a week.
Make it easy. Figure it out. That’s what let me add in a second class and then going twice a week. Figure it out. Make that easy. Now we can go three times a week. It’s a slow build, and that’s what we need, but that’s what we resist. That’s what every person with ADHD resist. We don’t want a slow build. Ain’t nobody got time for a slow build. We don’t want a slow build because we tell ourselves lies. We tell ourselves lives. The lies are. This is taking too long. This isn’t going to make a difference. This shouldn’t be so hard. I shouldn’t need this much time to adjust. So and so does it five times a week. So I should be able to jump into five times a week the lie. And I know I’m repeating myself, but the lie that always got me is like, this isn’t going to make a difference. Like, once a week isn’t going to do anything. So that’s like me saying writing 10 pages isn’t worth it.
Writing 10 pages in my book isn’t even gonna it’s not even worth it. There’s no point. I’m not even gonna bother like no. The way that books are written is 10 pages at a time, right? So if I want to write a 300 page book, which I do, I’m gonna have to do that 10 pages at. A time, I don’t get to just sit down and write 300 pages. I don’t get to make a goal of like, I’m gonna write three chapters a day. Like, that’s not how it works, and if I tried to make that goal, I would burn myself out. Everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable time. You wake up early, you make a list, you cross things off the list in order, blah, blah, blah. Like, yeah, we know what to do, but ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That’s why I created focused. It’s an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I’m a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019 I’ve coached over 4000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from Hot Mess express to grounded and thriving.
I’ll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior and accept yourself, flaws and all. And with this foundation, we’ll build the skills to improve your life with ADHD. And not only do you get skills and tools and focus, but you’re surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you’re an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused go to I have adhd.com/focused to learn more. That’s I have adhd.com/focused to check it out. Okay, so let’s talk about like, exactly how to set goals for those of us with ADHD, I don’t want you to hear me say that we shouldn’t be setting big goals, but I do want us to be understanding and realistic of all that is involved. For example, a lot of us have things in the back of our minds like, oh, I would love to run a marathon. Should run a marathon. I should write a book. I want to lose 100 pounds. I want to save $100,000 like, those are really, they are like, good goals. Those are, those are great things. That’s wonderful. But have you thought through what’s involved in doing it? So you want to run a marathon. How is a marathon run? It’s run one mile at a time. Can you get yourself to go out and run one mile? That’s the question. The question isn’t, can I run a marathon? The question is, can I get myself to run one mile? Now, can I do it once a week? Now, can I do it twice a week? Like, the question is, am I willing to put on my shoes and go out and run in the rain? It’s not, can I run a marathon? It’s, can I get myself to put my shorts and my shoes on and go run no matter what the weather is?
Am I willing to do that? Because I can fantasize about being a marathon runner, I can fantasize about like what it will feel like at the starting line, what it will feel like at the finish line. But am I willing to think about what am I gonna feel tomorrow when I tell myself you gotta go run? Am I willing to think about where in my schedule am I going to put it today to go out and run a couple miles, right? So understanding what’s involved in the process is so important. So I’m writing a book. I’ve had this goal for years and years and years, years and years, probably five years. I’ve wanted to write a book. I’ve wanted to write a book. I didn’t let myself actually set that goal until I knew I had space in my life to do it. So I was building a business. I was parenting little kids. I did not have the capacity to write. I was also dealing with a lot of therapy, trauma, grief, trans, relationship, transition, like all of that, that’s tough. That’s a lot of burden to carry. So I knew that even though I wanted to write a book, I wasn’t willing to set that goal for myself until I felt like I had the capacity to do what was required. And for a year, I’ve already told you this, but for a year, I’ve been writing a book proposal for a year. So my goal wasn’t even write a book it was get a book proposal written like figure out how to write a book proposal. Then my goal was find a publisher. So then my goal was get my table of content. Approved by my publisher. Okay, so these are all these like little goals over time, I am finally at the part where I’m allowed to start writing. I’m so excited I’m finally allowed to start writing, and I have a chapter deadline. I have to turn in two chapters by July 7, and that’s like, so my goal is not to write a book. My goal is to finish complete two chapters to send to my editor. So even though I have the goal to write a book, I’m not thinking about write a book, write a book, write a book. I’m thinking about the small goals along the way. And guess how much dopamine is involved? Almost none.
One person, two people will be reading these chapters, and they will be giving me feedback. These chapters are not going to help any people with ADHD for a whole year and a half, there is so little dopamine to be had along the way, but if I can keep the end in mind, and if I can try to figure out, okay, what dopamine can I give to myself? So I’m going to meet with my with my editor, Well, that’ll be fun to see her. I’m going to meet with the person who’s helping me with research. Well, that’s gonna be fun to see them. And so being able to create these little dopamine hits is important, but understanding that like is following through on goals is just like, it’s not that fun. So can I tolerate last week, we talked about emotional regulation. Can I tolerate boredom in my body. Can I tolerate that feeling of like this is hard in my body? Can I create a reward system for myself so that I get really excited about turning into chapters? Can I Can I think about and really enjoy meeting with my editor. Can I really enjoy reading meeting with my research assistant? Can I really enjoy just the time spent on the crafting of the book, just like if you’re running a marathon? Can you enjoy the run? Can you have a great playlist? Can you go to a beautiful, scenic place, because a marathon is one day, it happens in four hours. That’s it, or five or six, or however long it takes, right?
But like, the process of getting it done happens over time. Same thing with, like, a goal of finding a career. So Kate talked about like, I want to know what I’m going to do next. Okay, well, that is that’s an amazing goal, but the process of getting to that point that’s going to take some work, that’s going to take some emotional regulation, that’s going to take some real movement on things that are hard. So are you willing to help yourself along the way? So when we’re setting goals, I really encourage you to start smaller than you think you should. So instead of like Kate saying, I want to figure out what I’m going to do for the rest of my life, I want to commit to my career for the next 20 years. Instead of that, could we just, like, pull it back and say, What do I want to do next year? What do I want to do? Like, 2025 moving into 2026 what would feel good? What would feel grounded and aligned for that year doesn’t mean I’ll stay there, but can I take some forward motion that feels aligned to me with my book, when I started the process and I wanted to, when I was finally like, Okay, I have the space. I’m ready to do this. I started with like, Can I have a conversation with an agent? Can we decide what the book’s going to be about? Can Can we break down the the book proposal? Right? It says like, little by little, by little by little, brick by brick by brick, instead of thinking about the whole building being built, can you enjoy and honor each brick that goes into creating that goal and it becoming a reality, understanding that, like, things are always harder than we think they’re going to be. Things are always harder than than than we anticipate they’re going to be so, like, for me, going to yoga once a week, that was hard to figure out. That was that was so hard, or writing the book proposal that took a whole year. Like, why did it take a year?
Because it was harder than I expected it to be. So understanding that, like. So if we start with a like just one brick at a time, and we repeat it until it feels too easy, then we can move on to the next step. This is a way to build self trust. This is a way to build our capacity to move forward. Okay, and emotional regulation is a huge part of this because boredom, self, doubt, frustration, fear, annoyance, these are not necessarily signs that anything’s gone wrong. This is just a part of what it feels like to be a human who’s got a goal. This is part of what it feels like to be a human being who’s trying to accomplish something that they’ve never done before, right? I think we we do this to ourselves where we’re like, other people can do this. It’s so easy for other people. Like, it’s not fair that this is hard for me and like, Sure, give yourself time to to feel that, but then make accommodations for yourself and understand that, like, it’s supposed to feel hard. It feels hard for everybody. It’s not really supposed to feel easy. If reaching goals was super easy, everybody would do it. If, like, saving $100,000 was easy for everybody, everybody would have it saved. Like, this is hard. There are sacrifices to be made. There’s, there’s like discomfort to be tolerated. There’s, there are like habits to be created. This is not easy stuff. This is difficult. Okay, one of the things I follow this person on Instagram, I think her handle is the lose it log. At the lose it log. She’s such a sweetie, and she has this goal to lose, I think, 200 pounds. I don’t know how I came across her, or really why I started following her, other than she is a beacon of light, and I just adore her. I think she’s like, the kindest, sweetest person, and I really enjoy her content. She’s like, at like, right now, I think she’s down 85 pounds. And one of the things that I like about following her is that she’s not fixated on the scale changing. She’s more concerned about what she calls non scale victories. So yes, she has a goal to lose 200 pounds, and I hope that it’s not triggering for me to like talk about weight. I I absolutely enjoy people’s content when they are, like, moving and evolving in a way that feels really healthy and really grounded and really aligned with, like, who they are, and so it’s just really fun to follow her, and for her to talk about non scale victories is really cool.
So she talks about, like, how her clothes fit differently, and she celebrates, like, buying new things and buying new clothes and feeling better in her body, and being able to, like, do different things, like I took a hike and I felt so much better, like things like that. I remember her celebrating when she didn’t need the seat belt extender on the airplane. She was like, that’s a non scale victory. It’s a victory, but it’s not a victory attached to a number on a scale. It’s just like, oh my gosh, this is so fun. Here’s what I what I think about us. ADHD ers, we’re not that good at celebrating our non scale victories. We have this black and white way of approaching our goals where we’re either at the goal and we’re allowed to feel proud, or we haven’t reached it yet, and we should feel really, really badly about ourselves. And I wonder, in the context of your goal? What are some quote, unquote, non scale victories that you could celebrate? So for me, my goal is to write a book that’s not going to be done. I’m not going to be able to, like, truly say I’ve written a book. The goal has been accomplished. I am done. I can put a stamp on it. I can check it off my list. I’m not going to be able to say that until right now. The publishing date is like October 2026, that’s a long time from now. So what are my quote, unquote, non scale victories along the way? What are things like?
Am I going to withhold feeling proud of myself until I’ve reached the goal, until I have the book in my hands? Or am I going to allow myself to celebrate along the way, I finished a book proposal celebration, I connected with a publisher and got a book deal celebration, I got my table of contents approved celebration on on July 7, when I turned in those two chapters, you better believe celebration, right? So those are my quote, unquote, non scale victories. Yes, not yesterday. Oh, no, I said yesterday. This Saturday. So I spent five hours writing celebration victory. I ignored my family for five hours, and I focused on writing the book, celebration non scale victory. I wonder for you, what types of things can be, quote, unquote, non scale victories for you and your goal. So for Kate, who is wanting to, like, figure out what she’s gonna do for the rest of her life, non scale, quote, unquote, non scale victories for Kate might look like finding an ADHD coach. It might look like taking a personality quiz, of like, figuring out, you know, those quiz is, like the wrong word, like tests to see what your personality is kind of wired for.
Career wise, a non scale victory might be submitting some applications just to random places, just to kind of get a feel for the market. Some non scale victories might be talking to really close friends and family about, like, what do you see me doing? What are my what are my gifts and like, what, how do you think I can contribute to the world? Those would all be little contributors to her meeting her goal. Now she might not decide what her next step is for another six to 12 months, but that’s okay. Can she celebrate non scale victories along the way? I hope you’re getting the analogy here. I think it’s I think it’s fun. I think it’s fun now your brain will resist it, because your brain will say, Well, that doesn’t matter. You’re not reaching your goal. You’re not there yet, like when I was taking one yoga class a week, like Kristen, come on. What difference is this really making? You’re not. It’s not it’s not enough. This isn’t even making a difference. Or me writing for five hours on Saturday and not really completing a chapter, really easy to feel like defeated with that, like I spent five hours I’m not finished with a chapter. What do I have to show for it? Is this enough? You can see where my brain would want to go with that. But could we allow ourselves, though grace and space, to make slow and steady progress? I know you hate me for saying that. I know you do. I know you’re resistant to slow and steady progress. I know it’s like, I know I want to sprint. I’m going to do it fast. I got to get this done. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my time. That urgency, by the way, is going to bite you in the butt every time. Sorry, that urgency is going to bite you in the ass every single time, the impatience and the urgency is really not usually a good fuel. What’s a good fuel? And we talked about fuel last week in our emotional regulation episode, the fuels that actually move us forward are determination, willingness, a grounded, open, a feeling within our body. That’s like, Okay, I’m willing to do it.
I’m willing to go to one yoga class a week so that eventually I can go to two. I’m willing to write and edit 17 pages so that I can eventually turn in 30 I just made that up. I have no idea how many pages I’m turning in. Can I choose small wins along the way? Can I choose a goal that’s a little bit boring, but it is sustainable, because with ADHD, we don’t want the goal is to be sustainable. We want to be fast, easy, quick, immediate gratification, but that that burns us out then, then we’re in a binge, burnout cycle, right? And that’s not sustainable, absolutely not sustainable. So we want to set realistic goals when we’re thinking about the big things that we want. So for example, if you want to save, let’s say $10,000 like, Okay, I want to have a $10,000 emergency fund. Instead of cutting everything out of your budget and saying, I’m eating beans and rice, I’m going to make everything at home. I’m never eating out, I’m never going to Starbucks. I’m not I’m doing a spending freeze. Like, okay, that’s extreme. How long is that going to be sustainable? For not very long. Your you will likely resist that extreme measure and then go back to binge spending or impulsive spending, because it’s just too extreme. What are some small things that I can cut, what is a realistic way that I can curb my spending? Okay, instead of going to Starbucks five days a week, how about I go three days a week? How about I go twice a week? Or instead of having Thursday, Friday, Saturday off, I’ll pick up an extra shift or something measurable for you. Personally, what is a small way that you can contribute to that? Okay, understand that thinking through your capacity. It’s not easy for somebody with ADHD. But can you commit to thinking through all right, what do I have the capacity for? Can I commit to doing this once a week?
Can I commit to cutting spending in this one area? Okay, one of the best things that you can do for yourself to accommodate your ADHD is check in with a neurotypical, safe friend or partner and say, hey, does this feel realistic? Am I overshooting it here? Is this doable for me? What do you think somebody that loves you, somebody that’s committed to you, somebody that wants the best for you. But can kind of speak into like, whoa. You need to you need to slow it down. Here. I use Greg and my, my bestie for that constantly. Am I over committing? Is this too much for me? Like, what do you think? And kind of leaning on them to just trusting them and their like assessment of my capacity and the goals has been so, so helpful, so understanding why. I hope, after listening to this podcast, that you really understand why we go through this over, commit, underperform, shame spiral, give up cycle, and then we use the over committing as our dopamine hit. Underperform shame spiral, quit like that. That cycle needs to stop if we want to move forward with our goals. That cycle needs to stop instead, instead of getting the dopamine at the point of goal setting, can we understand that reaching goals actually feels terrible. It really doesn’t feel great along the way. It’s always harder than we think it’s going to be. It always takes longer than we think it’s going to be. But can we can we set values aligned, goals that we know that we want. For example, Kate knows she wants to take the next step in her career. Okay, that’s values aligned. She knows she’s 40. She wants to decide what to do next. All right, great. Now what’s the smallest step that she can do today to move her forward, not I’m going to apply to 17 jobs tomorrow, and I’m going to get a job by the end of the week like whoa. So it down. What’s the smallest step? What are the little like we talked about, non scale victories along the way that she can celebrate what is realistic, what is she willing to tolerate?
Can we allow for boredom and for frustration and for annoyance and for impatience? Can we allow that to be a part of the process? Because guess what it is. It is. Can we make it easy for ourselves? Are we willing to kind of evaluate and reassess and pivot, if necessary, this, this whole goal thing, I just I hear from you guys all the time, like I just feel stuck, and I just don’t feel like I’m reaching my potential. And part of the reason is that we set these fantasy goals, okay? And that’s why I wanted to address it today, because we can absolutely do whatever we want eventually, but we can’t do everything. We have to choose. We have to decide, and we have to be willing to feel the frustration and the boredom and the impatience along the way. We have to be willing to tolerate all of those.
I don’t enjoy them. I don’t know if you enjoy them, but like all of those difficult emotions along the way, all right, listen, I hope that this has allowed you to think through whether the goals that you’re setting are from a place of being realistic, or whether they’re a fantasy and you’re getting dopamine hits just from the goal setting. Instead, think through your values. Think through what is aligned for you make and commit to goals from a grounded place. Lean on the neurotypicals in your life to kind of help you assess your capacity, allow yourself to go at a slow and steady pace a little bit along the way, celebrate those non goal victories, the non scale victories, the tiny little victories along the way, to give you the dopamine boost to allow yourself to have the motivation to proceed.
And you will get there one way or another. I believe that about you 100% I can’t wait to talk to you next week. I will see you. Then, a few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization product. Time management, emotional regulation, you know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with, I couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out, and then I created focused for you. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will too go to Ihaveadhd.com/focused for all details.
