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If you haven’t seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin, take a week long vacation and save over $200. Book now@vrbo.com. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristin Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’re listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 139. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, and I am ready to roll. Happy holidays, y’. All. If you’re listening in real time, this episode is coming out between Christmas and New Year’s, and I am likely hanging out with my kids or getting my house ready to sell or both. That’s probably what I’m doing. So what are you doing? I hope you’re having a great day Week. Now, this episode is going into the category of persistent not consistent. I did not do what it takes to write a solo show this week. I prioritized other things, like staring at the wall and wasting my time. But also I made my first Instagram reel, so that counts as something great. But, yeah, I didn’t do what it takes to write a solo show. So, um, you may be wondering why I’m bothering to share that bit of information with you instead of just pretending like I planned all along to share this coaching call with you. But the reason why I’m just being upfront about it is because I want to model for you, that you can ebb and flow and totally crush your goals at times and completely miss the market other times, as long as you make allowances for your deficiencies. So for me, knowing that I’m inconsistent, I had set aside this coaching call as something that we would use as adjust in case episode for the podcast. My editor edited it. Did. I don’t know how to say that. My editor edited it weeks ago, and now, like, it’s ready to go. So I have to do is show up here and record this intro for you, which I’m doing. And I’m really glad to be here because I love speaking to you. So this episode is a coaching call from my ADHD coaching program, which is called Focused. And on it, you’re going to hear three different clients in three different locations in the world with three different identities and stories. And, like, backgrounds and their names have been muted for anonymity. But I do want you to notice a couple things. Even though you’re not the one being coached, it’s important for me to communicate. Like, I really want you to see how you will probably identify and relate to the person in a very big way. Because we are all the same, okay? Humans. We’re all the same. We all have human brains. We all have adhd. And those two things are enough to connect us very Deeply. Now, of course, I don’t know where you are in the world. I don’t know what your political stance or what you do for work or whether you’re married or have kids or whatever. I don’t know any of that. But what I do know is that you have a human brain and you have adhd and that’s enough to connect us. Okay? And so I want you to notice how the coaching that I give to the humans on this call probably applies to you as well because you have a human brain and you have adhd. So I encourage you to take it and use the coaching to change your own life. And second, I want you to notice how validated you might feel to hear other educated professional adults who are successful and yet talk about their ADHD struggles. And for me and for the people who are in this coaching program, it feels like being wrapped in a cozy blanket and just snuggling into safety. There is just something so validated, validating about hearing other people with ADHD who you look at and you’re like, they’re amazing. They’re successful, they’re killing it. And yet they are struggling. They’re just like me. So I hope that you find this episode to be so encouraging and so helpful. Here you go. So welcome to your coaching call. I want to encourage you, especially if you’re new around here, you might not realize how powerful it is to watch someone else be coached. And so I would just really encourage you. Even if you don’t get called on for coaching, your life can be changed through watching someone else be coached. Those of you who have been in focus for a while know how absolutely life changing it is to hear someone else’s struggles identify with them, you know, completely. And be able to take the coaching that I give and apply it to your own life. It is really amazing. Some of my biggest breakthroughs have come when I have watched someone else be coached or listened to a replay of a coaching call in my coaches membership. And the reason for that is we are all human and we are all the same. There is nothing that is super unique to us. And watching someone else have these aha moments and being able to take that coaching and apply it to our own Lives is 100% transformational. It is so fun. Okay. Wonderful. I see a lot of hands raised. If your hand is raised, just to have an idea of what you would like coaching on. And I’m going to come to you first. Hello. How are you? Well, how are you? I am so good. How can I help you? So I wanted to ask you about something. I’ve been a member for about a month and I’ve been listening to the calls, some calls as I can, and then looking at the workbook. I wanted to ask you about something that I can zoom in on or speak about more broadly. I’m not sure how to, you know, what would be most helpful or most productive. But. So I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was about 30 and before that I had gone through a bunch of self help books. I had, you know, the, I think, which is typical, you know, am I just lazy? Am I, do I have an iron deficiency, what’s wrong with me? That kind of thing. So now as I’m sort of doing this work, you know, ADHD focused work, I’m finding it’s very difficult. So it’s very difficult for me to do anything for myself. So I’m an attorney and, you know, nobody at work knows I have adhd. Nobody can tell. I prioritize work, I do well at work, I’m unmedicated, I can’t tolerate stimulants. But I feel like I can’t trust myself to do things for myself essentially. So like, the specific issue I’m dealing with right now is, and it sounds so very, it sounds so very childish and I hate talking about it, but like I’m trying to get into a good bedtime routine so that I can wake up early and go into the office early. And then there’s other things too, like diet, exercise, you know, I know you say persistence, you know, persistent, not consistent. But I’m now at a point where it’s kind of exhausting to, to be this impulsive and sort of not know, not know what I’m going to do, not trust myself to take care of myself. And I do take care of things like I always, you know, like pay the rent on time, you know, pay the bills on time, doctor’s appointments, things like that. And so I have a lot of people say, you know, you’re doing great, you’re doing fine, or like you, you look successful essentially. But I don’t feel like I, you know, I don’t have real hobbies that I participate in because I don’t maintain them. I don’t, you know, I don’t have a good bedtime routine. I don’t. And these are all things that I look back years later and I say, you know, I wish I would have stuck with something or I wish, I wish I would have tried to get out and make friends. Friends and consist well, you know, Consistently out to people and maintain. I guess I have a very difficult time maintaining essentially anything. And like I said, I’ve really. Lately I’ve been thinking about how I feel, and I feel like I can’t trust myself. And that’s. So you have this story, this narrative that you have created for yourself where I don’t take care of myself. And you’ve gathered a lot of evidence for it. How does it feel? Disappointing is the main thing that comes to mind. You know, a little sad, I guess it feels. I would say it feels embarrassing because, you know, like I said, it’s very difficult to have these external markers of success. And then, you know, you pull back the curtain and it’s like, wow, that’s a mess. When you feel. What do you think is the heaviest emotion? Is it. Is it sadness or disappointment or embarrassment? It’s not embarrassment. I think embarrassment is sort of like a secondary. I think maybe disappointment. Yeah, I would say disappointment. And when you feel disappointed, what do you do? Well, I really. I mean, I guess I just. That’s difficult because I don’t feel disappointment. It’s, you know, in the moment. Like, in the moment, it’s like, I’m going to watch. I want to watch this TV show. I want to stay up late. I, you know, like, in the moment, it’s like, I want that extra cookie or I want, you know, tell me when the last time you felt disappointed was. I would say yesterday. Okay, what did you do out of that disappointment? I don’t. I don’t really know because I. Well, take me to. Take me to the situation. I was in the car driving, and I realized that I had not done the. My Russian homework from the class I’m taking. And I was able to be ready for the class I have today. And I realized that last Thursday I was, you know, I thought to myself, I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to, you know, I’m going to study up. So, yeah, I mean, I guess I went to Starbucks and ordered, like, more food and drinks than I own. So you’re in the car, you kind of wake up to the fact that, like, crap, I didn’t do my homework. So relatable, you’re overcome with like, a whoosh of disappointment. It’s just added to this story of, like, I can’t trust myself. I don’t take care of myself. You’re feeling super disappointed. And then the action that is propelled from that disappointment is action that serves the narrative of I don’t take care of myself. Yes, yes. Just in a different, in a way that I didn’t realize because it’s a different thing. Totally. But you listed like the food that you put in your body and as part of the reason why you quote, unquote, don’t take care of yourself. Right. Or that the evidence for that, from that disappointment, you’re taking action that’s serving that story. Yes. That’s wild, isn’t it? It is, it’s. It’s just reinforcing it. Yes. Which is why you’re living this cycle of like, I don’t take care of myself, and then we’re continuing together. Evidence. And then, you know, you’re, you’re making strides, like you’re taking a Russian class. You’re like, I have a hobby taking a Russian class. Right. Which I totally like, so relatable. And then you don’t do the homework. And then the disappointment propels action that serves this long held story of like, I can’t trust myself and I don’t take care of myself. Yes, that’s. I, like I said, I guess because it’s, you know, I’m not taking one to one. Like, I’m not, you know, I’m not burning my Russian books because I didn’t study them, you know, I’m eating, you know, more junk food, you know, than I would have. Or like, I stay up late. Like, I don’t. It’s not like I stay up late and then refuse to go to sleep at all because I stayed up late. Like, I stay up late and then, I mean, usually I eat, eat way more. Right. Or sit on the phone on TikTok for hours. And so it’s different, but it’s still reinforcing the narrative. Yep, 100%. Okay, so let’s go back to the car. You’re in the car and you realize you didn’t do the homework if you didn’t have the narrative of I can’t trust myself, I don’t take care of myself. If that was not even a thing. And you still felt disappointed because you’re like, hot dang. I, like, I really wanted to do that homework and I didn’t do the homework. So you feel disappointment, but we don’t take action from it. What does someone who takes care of herself, what does someone who trusts herself do in that moment? So you’re in the car. I mean, I would say, like, you know, say like, I’m, I’m disappointed. I need to make a note to do a little bit of homework. And then I would go to Starbucks Like I was on the way to Starbucks and not order, you know, a ton of stuff just for the. Yeah. So you go to Starbucks, you get your normal order, you go home, you make a note, then what happens? And then I, you know, I do, I do what I can and then I, you know, I do what I can. How does it feel to do what you can? Like what, what emotion would you have to have in order to just do a little bit? I guess I would have to, I mean, I would say I would have to believe that it’s enough and I would have to accept that I, I do what I can and in the moment that’s all I can do. So what you would have to give up is this long held belief that you don’t take care of yourself and that you can’t trust yourself. Right? Yes. Yeah. So what I would just so encourage you to do is just to like, what we did here was just an exercise of awareness. So that was, was just showing you when you feel that disappointment and you act from it without thinking you’re serving, you’re, you’re throwing more evidence onto the belief that long held narrative about yourself that you don’t take care of yourself and that you can’t trust yourself. If you want different results, it’s not about, let’s figure out a way to, to, you know, make a reminder for Russian homework. That’s not actually it. The sustainable, actual huge change over time is going to be what if I am someone who takes care of myself? What if I am someone who trusts myself? What would that person do? Right now it is a matter of being that person and then watching the results come. So if I am that person, what you said was I would have to do just a little bit and believe that that was enough. Right. So like it’s 1:00am A person who takes care of herself, realizes it’s 1:00am and is like, oh shoot, I need to go to bed. And they don’t have all of this drama about I can’t believe we’re staying in the lady. And then I’m so disappointed in myself and then I just keep eating and I just keep going on tikt because that’s going to actually numb the pain that I feel because I’ve stayed up so late. So like now it’s 3am, right? Instead it’s like, oh shoot, it’s 1am and I’m a person who takes care of herself and a little bit’s enough. It’s great to go to bed right now. Put it down, go get Ready for bed. Hop into bed. It’s 1am and I am. Because I believe I take care of myself, because I believe I trust myself. It’s like, yeah, it’s one I am, but it’s fine. I’m going to kill it tomorrow. It’s not a big deal. Right. Do you see the difference? Yeah, and I guess I didn’t. I never equated the follow on with being a response to that, you know, emotion of like, I’m disappointed in myself. I, you know, and it’s. It’s. It’s totally internal, too. It’s not like nobody’s saying 100%. So I never equated that, like, with sort of stuffing down the emotion with tiktoks or food or, you know, distraction or, you know, something else. Yeah. So that disappointment, I think, is for you personally, that is like your alarm bell. Because it sounds to me like that comes up often when you kind of wake up to what you’re doing and then you’re like, crap, I didn’t do it. Right again. And then you feel that disappointment, and then that it’s okay to feel disappointment. I’m not saying don’t feel that. What I’m saying is know that if you take unconscious action from that disappointment, you will only be serving that narrative of I’m. I don’t take care of myself. I can’t trust myself. And if you feel that disappointment, which is valid, and you say, okay, Sucks, like, I can’t believe I forgot this again, or I can’t believe that it’s 1:00am Again, like, how did this happen? All right, honey, we are learning to take care of ourselves. Little bits, enough. Let’s do it. Now. What feeling is that? I don’t really have a feeling for that. Is that acceptance? Yeah. I mean, to me, it feels like. It feels like acceptance or just like it feels like more awareness or acknowledgement than, you know. Because, I mean, to me, that sounds very true, which is that, like, you know, a little bit is better than, like, derailing entirely. Except when you’re in the moment. Right. Well, in the moment, it’s like, I’m disappointed. Oh, more TikTok, you know. Right, right, right, right. So I think you and disappointment need to make really good friends with each other. And that feeling of disappointment, it’s not wrong. It’s not bad. It’s there for a reason. Like, shoot, I’m out of alignment. That’s all it’s telling you. Dang, we’re out of alignment now. How can we get realigned? Are you asking me or are you just want to make sure? I love it. I love this for you. This is so huge. So that disappointment is your. It’s your new bff. It’s your alarm bell. It’s your indicator light that’s like, oops, we’re out of alignment. And now let’s move into like, a little bit’s enough. I am someone who takes care of herself. This is how I do it. I do it in a way that looks different from everybody else, but I take care of myself, and I’m always going to show up for myself, and it’s never too late for me to do the things that I want to do, and I can always get that thing done and it’s no problem. Yeah. Unraveling that story is. I think that’s the work of your life right now. I agree. Go do it. All right. Thank you so much. You’re welcome, honey. See ya. Bye. All right. So good. My gosh. Who we got? Oh, look at those puppers. They are cute. Hello. Thank you. You’re welcome. How are you? I’m good. One of them’s in trouble right now because she tried to eat the plant. So not okay. No. How can I help you? I just joined the club yesterday, so. Oh, my gosh. Welcome. Thank you. So welcome. So I. I want to really start changing my mindset and working on, like, Prioritizing, like my future and my business. Yeah. What do you think is your first step? I know the point that I stop. It’s where I run into a wall. I love being in front of people. I love working with the clients. It’s all the back end stuff of like, the website and the marketing and strategy and the funnels and the totally. Where it’s so many little steps that it’s so overwhelming. Yeah. And what happens is when I have this great idea of like, that’s how I want to market myself or that’s the tool or that’s the mastermind. That’s the thing. I run into a wall of, first of all, indecision that’s around, like, that’s like mixed up with self doubt because it’s like, that’s. Nobody needs that. That’s not. That’s not a good idea. Nobody wants that. Nobody needs that. And also, oh, if I go and find out if that’s what people need, that’s a whole other thing that I have to do. And I’m like, okay, let’s just add on more things to do. Right. Do you have a team? So maybe that is. I’m not saying go out and hire someone today. Maybe as you are here in focus and you’re doing this work. One of the things that I love to encourage my entrepreneurs to do is to hire a frontal lobe, Which I can tell is bringing up some stuff. I am actually recording a podcast with my team this afternoon. I cannot wait. I think it’s going to be so helpful, and it’s going to be all about the process of hiring and what keeps us ADHDers from hiring and getting their perspective on what it’s like to work for someone with ADHD who. When Christina came into my business, it was just me. I was a solopreneur. I was doing everything, and it was a hot freaking mess. And the shame that I had to tolerate with pulling back the curtain and letting someone into the back end, because front end was beautiful. Front end was this program, just as you see it, it was running very smoothly. Back end was me being a crazy person trying to do the things that my brain was not meant to do. And so I wonder if part of your work, I mean, you are so fresh and so new. So just do a little bit here, a little bit there. Just, you know, engage in ways that feel really good to you. But what I would encourage you, as you think through your business, if prioritizing the future of your business is where you think that, like, some of your work is going to be focused, I would really encourage you to start thinking through what might it be like to hire people to do the parts of the business that I suck at. Definitely. That’s on my list. So, yeah, prioritizing that first. That’s like, definitely. I. Okay. A fear comes up. Yeah, of course. How much do I need to have done before this person comes in? Nothing. There’s. So that’s why you pay them. There’s a thing that I literally why I give you money so that I do not have to do it. Yeah. So I think we have all of these stories wrapped up, actually. If you’re in Slack, I’m not sure if you’re in Slack yet, but if you’re joined. Yeah. Okay. Amazing. So there’s an Entrepreneur channel. You can go there to the Entrepreneur channel. And we just had this conversation in that channel because we have so many stories around. I need to clean things up before somebody comes in. I. You know, getting someone else to do it is just gonna. It’s so much easier if I just do it myself. I don’t know how to explain. Explain it to people. I’m embarrassed about what they’re going to find behind the scenes, I don’t want to have to answer to someone. Like, all of those stories are what keep us from actually getting the help that we need. Yeah. When I hire someone, and I’m going to say this on the podcast, when I hired Christina, so she was like, my first admin, I was like, like, it’s a mess back here. Like, I’m a great person and you’re going to love, like, being with me because I’m super fun and cool and nice and funny. But what’s happening back here is messy. So, like, if you’re up for it and like, you like working with fun people, great, because what you’re going to see behind the scenes is a lot of mess that I need you to clean up. And I was so honest with her. Yeah. I was like, I don’t. And she would ask me questions. Oh, gosh. Even now. So I have this, like, now my team is much bigger. So now I have people who just run ontraport, which is like the platform that you guys use to log into the membership. And we just had a meeting on Monday and the guy asked me questions. I was like, I don’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth, and I do not have answers for you. I’m running a million dollar business. I have no. I don’t know. I don’t know the answer. That’s why I pay you. Can you please figure it out? Like, I am so honest with my people. What comes up for you? When I say that it feels great, it feels very, like, relieving. I think that what we are so used to doing and I’m sure you relate to this, is masking our symptoms, pretending that we’re okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is like the first. This is the very beginning, like you said, of just, like, being like, oh, I’m really ashamed. That’s shameful. That’s, you know, like, if someone were to look at my. I remember when I hired a bookkeeper and I just kind of like, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s happening back here. I just don’t get it. Can you please get it for me? Because I don’t get it. Here’s what I get. I get this. I get you and me talking and me seeing your thought errors and me blowing your mind and you leaving and being like, that was the most transformative conversation I’ve ever had. That’s what I get. That’s what nobody can do better than me. The Back end stuff. Oh, I don’t know. I’m gonna pay people who know better than me. Yeah. The responding to emails, the staying on top of things that remembering the calendar stuff, I’ve hired people for all of it. And this happened over a two year process. So it wasn’t just like snap the fingers. It’s perfect. Right. This happened over two years. And now, I mean, I was just sick for nine days. I was flat on my back in my bed and my business functioned without me. And I literally came back and was like, does anybody need me at all? Like, do you guys need. And I know you guys do. You’re like, wait, yes, we missed you. But like I calls that week that somebody else took and did a great job with. So I forgot. All of you that are entrepreneurs, this is my dream for you. That you begin to hire people and you are willing to tolerate the shame because it will come up. The shame of like revealing what’s behind the curtain and just being like, can I just pay you to fix all of this stuff? Yeah. And the feeling of like, since I’m not doing the grunt work, then I am not, you know, doing anything. Right. And maybe the end of that sentence is that I’m not worthy. Yeah. Or that I’m not adding value or that I’m not, then it’s not worth it for my people to pay me. Yeah. Right. And all of that is bs. Yeah. So if you’re an entrepreneur and you’re listening to this, I want you to know that the value that you bring is that secret sauce that you have that no one else can do better than you. The value that you bring, excuse me, is not in your marketing. It’s not in your email copy. It’s not in like your scheduling. It’s not, it’s not in that. It’s that secret sauce thing that no one can do better than you. And if you can spend 70, 80, 90% of your time in the secret sauce and delegate all of the other stuff, you will have so much fun, you will have so much freedom and you have so much money because the money comes from that secret. What did you say that you do? You are a coach that coaches what do you. What organizations through tough change or towards effectiveness. Yeah. And so when you are bringing that value, that is where people. That’s why people pay you. That’s what people want from you. That’s that magic that you bring to the organization. They’re like, yeah, that was worth thousands of dollars. Yeah, 100%. And all of the back end Stuff hired out little by little. Little by little by little by little. I can’t wait to record this podcast. You guys are gonna love it. Last question. Can you hire somebody to just, like, list that you pay to listen to you and just writes down everything that you say and then organizes it 100%? That’s the person I need. Because I don’t even. The ideas need to just come out. Yes. So I’ve kind of, like, tweaked things in ways that have worked for me. So when I started with Christina, I would do a thought download for her over, like, Marco Polo. Do you know that app? Yeah. Like a video messaging app. And I would use that a ton. Like, I. I hate having to write out my ideas. It feels like so much work. Do not make me do that. And these are all of the things that you discuss with your person or persons ahead of time. And you just say, like, here’s what I need. Do you want me to pay you for this? And some people will say, no, thank you. That’s not how I work. That’s not. That doesn’t sound fun. But, like, when you can just show up as yourself and build a relationship, that’s like, okay, here’s my zone of genius. It’s right over here. Nobody can do it better than me. All this stuff I totally suck at, and I need someone to take care of that. And maybe it’s not just one person. Maybe it’s someone’s. And here’s how I like to work. I hate writing emails. Don’t ever email me. I’m going to be calling you or Marco Polo ing you or Vox or whatever it is. Like, and your job is to organize it, and you make it pretty and you send it back to me. Yeah. 100%. And some people will say, no, thank you. That sounds terrible. I don’t. And then other people will say, amazing. Yes. Right? And you just kind of keep going through people until you find the right person. Yes. You can hire people. It’s. I’m trying to think. I. One of the questions that I’m going to ask them on this podcast is, what’s the craziest thing that someone’s asked you to do? And I can’t really remember if I’ve asked, like, people to do weird things, but I know that I am just like, can I just pay you to do this? Please go make me do it, please? And people will be like, yes, please pay me to do that. Yeah. All right. Go get him. Thank you so much. You’re welcome, love. I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you. I’m excited. It was great. You too. All right, see ya, sweetie. All right, let me see. Hello. How are you, Kristin? So good. How are you? I’m good. I’m actually in San Francisco. That’s amazing. This is the best time. It’s the most today. Yes. So I’m gonna repeat myself a little bit because all of us, we have the same thread. So. I was diagnosed when I was 24. The diagnosis was prompted by me being academically dismissed from my university. I’m an architect. My counselor at the time was very helpful and said maybe you could consider this. So I did was diagnosed. I realized that I’ve been ADHD all my life. I’m from the Dominican Republic. So that was not something that was necessarily. My parents were like just smack them or something. And it’s permeated my entire adult life. I’ve been fired from almost every job that I’ve had. It’s the same thing. I’ve been listening to your podcast. I know exactly what to do, how to do it, and it just became a self fulfilling prophecy of the self sabotage. Yeah. Your self sabotaging podcast. I listen almost every day to remind myself of what. Yeah. Oh, I just got chills because it’s true. When I was listening to it, I was like, yeah, the self concept and the self concept and the fact that self sabotaging is a coping mechanism for when if you do something right or you do things the way you’re supposed to, then your whole dynamic will change because it’s not what you’re used to. And that’s pretty much what I’ve been experiencing. I was actually let go of this yet another job recently, although it was not exactly my fault, but it fits the pattern. And I said, I’m done. I gave up. I said, I said to myself, clearly, I can’t do it on my own. I’ve been trying. I’m very self aware. So I’ve been working or attempting to work consistently since I was diagnosed, but I’m still feel at a holding pattern and school’s been challenging because of that. So it’s. Yeah. So I said to myself, well, I clearly I’ve reached the point where I think I need someone or. Yeah. To help me. Yeah. So tell me, what does it mean for you not to do it on your own? What does that mean for you? I’ve done a lot of research on my own. I’ve read a lot about adhd like you say, the tricks and turns and many other Podcasts and a little bit of therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, all the stuff that I can work on my own. And I have achieved some progress. But in the important thing, which is academics, in my professional life, I can’t say that I’ve done much improvement, because the same things keep happening. Yeah. So, however, I’m very lucky. I feel very lucky because I keep getting opportunities, so I keep getting better jobs and better jobs. So that’s why I’m like, it’s unfair to the universe that I keep getting another chance and another chance and another chance. So I want to, like, not be complacent and be thankful and do it, like, do the. Totally. Okay. So that’s why I’m here. I love, love all of this. Except for the part where you think it’s unfair that you keep getting chances. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I have never. Knock on wood on everything. I’ve never been unemployed more than two months. Yeah, it’s amazing. And why is that? Well, at first it was. It was because I’m like, okay, so maybe if the universe or God or something would be like, okay, so I’m gonna let it. Let you struggle a little bit more. Maybe that’ll give me an extra oomph to, like, do things. Because, like, right now I have two interviews lined up, both with great firms. That’s amazing. Okay. Yeah. So I’m like, okay, so I’ve also gotten. I believe that I’m great in crisis mode. So if I’m in a crisis, like, I’m diligent and I’m consistent. What’s the word you use? Persistent. Persistent. I am persistent, but then I kind of get complacent. Okay, just take me really quick when you think it’s unfair that I’ve gotten all of these chances that I keep up. Wait, wait, go into your body. No brain stuff. It’s unfair. How does that feel? Exhaustion. Yeah. Okay, wait, so you feel exhaustion? So you have this thought, gosh, I’m getting all these chances, and that’s really unfair. You feel exhausted, and then what do you do from that? Exhaustion? From that exhaustion? Well, I say to myself, well, this time I’ll get it right. And. And. And, yeah, and this time I’ll do this different, and this time I’ll do that different. Okay. So I want you to notice that that’s fantasy. Okay. Right. So I’m gonna, like. I’m gonna bedazzle my future. Right? Oh, this time. Yes. That’s been like, yeah, right. This time it’s just gonna be great. Okay, so it’s unfair that I keep getting all these chances. Clearly God or the universe or whatever likes me and it’s gonna run out. So this time, yeah, I’ve got to do it. Right. And then what you. What you said that you do is you do great at first, and then you get complacent. Mm. And then it’s through that complacency likely. Right. That things. Correct. Okay. So I think that I want everyone to really pay attention here because this is something that we do whether it is on a small scale or on like a. Yours is more of like a bigger scale of like, okay, this job. This one, this one I’m going to get right. This one I’m going to do it. We’re setting. You’re setting yourself up for failure when you have this thought of like, this time is going to be the time and I’m going to kind of fantasize about it. I’m going to think about all the things I’m going to do differently. It’s living in fantasy land and it’s not grounded in reality. What’s true about this time, that’s going to be hard. I’ve never seen it like that. Right. Like what? Because what’s true about this time is you’re going to be really excited about the beginning. You’re going to go really great. And then you’re going to start to feel bored and complacent and like you don’t really care that much. That’s what’s going to happen. More than bored. Because I really love my profession and I love everything that it’s more like I can get away with stuff. That’s where the self savage is like, oh, I’ve done good enough that I can. I can slack a little bit. I can get away with this. I can procrastinate a little bit of this. I can do this. I can do that. Is that feeling like maybe permissive? Oh, yes. Give yourself permission. Is that. Is it an emotion or maybe entitled? Yes, entitled and feeling like I am part that I am smart enough and that I’m cute enough to get away with it. Even though my experience in the last, what, five, six, seven years completely points out that I cannot. Right, right, right, right, right. Okay. So I want you to see this cycle. It’s very predictable. So chance opens up. You think it’s unfair that I have all these chances. You feel this like, kind of like weighed down exhaustion. And then you start to fantasize, okay, this time I’m going to get it right. This time it’s going to be great this time. It’s going to be perfect. And you do go really hard and you do a great job. And from that of like, I did a great job, then you start to feel entitled and permissive and you start letting yourself off the hook. Correct. Or like not doing your job. Correct. Yes. Okay. And then we get fired, and then an opportunity comes along and it’s just a cycle, cycle, cycle. And I joined Focus now because in my 20s, I’m 33. Now in my 20s, oh, I have time. I’m 22. I’m 23. I’m 25. But I’m starting to get the heat that I don’t have time, that I don’t have 15, 20 more years of this up and down sign kind of thing. Yes. So you want to. Is the desire here to keep a job? I want to. I want to feel that I’m thriving. I want to feel that I am. I want to stay at a job for more than a year successfully, which I haven’t. Okay. That’s an amazing, impossible goal. We talk a lot about impossible goals around here. And for you it’s impossible because it’s not happened yet. It hasn’t happened. Correct. Okay. So in order to keep a job for a year, even if you don’t love the job, but you just have this, like, if I’m going to leave, I’m going to leave on my terms. Exactly. Yes, exactly. When you keep a job for a year, you know you can get a job. That’s easy. Yes. You’ve got the factor. Yeah. You know how to get a job. Yeah. What you cannot. What I want you to look out for is fantasy land. So instead of this time is going to be amazing. This time I’m going to do XYZ this time, blah, blah, blah. I want you to ground yourself in reality and tell yourself the truth, which is this time, I’m going to get really excited about it. I’m going to go really hard. For how long do you think? Two months? Sometimes one month. Okay, so about a month. So then I want you to set a reminder in your phone. Mm. The novelty is going to wear off. And the feeling of entitlement is your huge alarm bell. That’s like danger. Danger. The minute I say to myself, I can even feel it, I say to myself, oh, I’m doing fine now. Right? I got it. Yeah. Yeah. That. That’s not actually the truth. Those are dangerous. Now, different thoughts. Like, I want you guys to understand, like, thoughts are not good or bad. They either Serve us or they don’t serve us. So for you, that thought does not serve you. No. No. In order for you to sustain a job for a year, when that thought comes in, oh, I got it. You’re gonna have to capture that. There’s a level of awareness that you’re gonna have to develop to really tell yourself the truth. What does it mean to got it? That didn’t really make sense, but to have it. Like, when you say, like, I’ve got it, what does that actually mean? What would it look like for reality, in reality, if you actually had it? You’re asking me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Two months in, and you start telling yourself, oh, I got it. And then you’re like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It would look like. Like you say in fantasy land, that I am finishing my projects in a timely manner, that I’m hitting all my deadlines, that I’m being. That I feel in control of my particular project, like an architecture. And so entitlement of like, ah, this doesn’t really matter is exactly having it. Right. So when you tell yourself, I’ve got it, you’re not telling yourself the truth. Mm. Right. Like, I’m gonna prove to myself and to my team that I’ve got it, and I’m gonna do that. Here’s how I’m gonna do that. I’m gonna do things on time. I’m gonna do things ahead of time. I’m gonna be in control. That’s how I prove that I’ve got it. So even if you just start to ask yourself the question, like, oh, really? Do you have it? Show me. Show me how you’ve got it. You can be a little devil’s advocate with yourself there. And it’s very deluding, because if I ask that question that you just asked me, I know when I’m like, I’m not. It’s not. Yeah. And then I said, well, but then tomorrow or next week, that’s the fantasy that gets you. Yep. This is very similar to people who like that. You don’t get a lot during the day. You don’t get a lot done during the day. And then you lay in bed and you fantasize about how tomorrow is going to be different. It’s the same with my schooling. For instance, right now, I am failing one of my classes. Yeah. And mind you, my professors have been very. They are aware I’m ADHD and everything. They are. They’ve been very helpful. But it’s the same pattern. It translates. It’s because of the fantasy so what I would. What that fantasy does is it gives you a little shot of dopamine so that you can feel good right now. You don’t actually have to do the thing. Correct. And so what I’m going to encourage you and everyone who’s resonating with this to do is no more fantasy. So no more like if you’re like, oh, next week, blah, blah, blah, no. Oh, whoopsie, didn’t mean to do that. No, there is no next week. And then at that time I say there’s no next week, I’ll just stand up right now and go and do the thing. If there is no next week, what would you do? And maybe that’s the question every time to ask yourself. That’s a great question. If there was no next week or next day, I would just hunker down. And if it takes six hours to finish what I have to do and go to bed at 5am Then that’s what I’m going to do. Dude, that’s your answer. And that’s your answer for your work too. There’s no fantasy. There’s no fantasy about what I can accomplish next week or tomorrow. Yeah, there’s no fantasy about that. It’s just. There’s no tomorrow, there’s no next week, there’s today. That’s it. Because what? And that scares me then. Yes. And now we have feelings. It scares me because I’m like. And that was the thing that I learned from one of your podcasts also. I found myself way back. I’ve managed to not be like that anymore. I would find myself stretching tasks that would take me knowingly, let’s say four hours. Yeah. Eight hours a day or two. Because I was like, what if I do this right? Then they’ll give me something that I don’t know what to do. Then they’ll catch me. Yes, yes. And that is self sabotage. Absolutely. Yeah. That is failing ahead of time. Correct. I’m afraid to not have it, have the skill to do it. So I just will be non functioning and not have any skills to do anything that I’m feeling ahead of time. Okay. So I want to, I want you to know that this fantasy has been an important, important coping mechanism for you for 33 years. But you don’t need it anymore. I really don’t. Oh, you’re gonna get me over. You’re gonna get me verklempt over here. You just don’t need it anymore. It was important. It was especially important in your childhood and in your developmental years. So many of us, myself included, have used fantasy to escape the difficulty of reality. Because as children and as, you know, adolescents, we didn’t have the tools to cope with reality. We just didn’t. And we didn’t have parents who knew how to take care of us in a way that was helpful. And I really want you to know that the fact that you have this habit of going to fantasy land, it. That did serve you for a time. You don’t need it anymore. And so now your work is to pull yourself out of that fantasy land and to just focus on, I only have today, I only have reality. Like, and asking yourself, like, okay, what’s actually reality here? That might be helpful to you when you start to think about, well, this time it’s gonna blah, blah, blah, and you’re like, whoopsies. I see myself doing it again. I’m gonna bring it back. What’s reality? What’s difficult is that reality is hard. Reality is a lot harder than the fantasy. So if you were to tell yourself the truth about your upcoming jobs, reality feels like, okay, this is going to be hard. I’m going to feel some feelings. I’m going to be afraid really quick because I don’t want to take time over from the group. But I think reality would be. And this is something that I don’t share often is that whether it’s true or not, I feel that maybe I’m not as talented as I. Yeah, maybe I’m not as. I’m not as. As talented. Or that I think I know more than I do, or that I oversell myself, which I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t. I don’t totally want to. But then I go, no, but I do my stuff. But it’s that battle. The reality would be like, oh, maybe the reality is that I’m not that good. Okay, so what if that is reality? Let’s just play with that. Let’s say that’s reality. That would be terrible. Okay, but what if that’s not actually terrible? What if that just means. So then I have to work harder. If I oversell myself, if I really am in touch with reality of that, all that means is, well, I better bust my butt. I better get to work. I better start to gather this body of evidence for me being who I say I am. It doesn’t have to be terrible. So what you’ve done is you’ve said, we have this, like, nagging, like, what if. What if I’m not as good? And you’ve tried to cover that up. With, no, you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine. That’s exactly it. What if we. What if we embrace that reality of like, yeah, I am amazing at selling myself. And so I need to make sure that I’m backing that up with doing my studies, managing my team, doing this project really well, doing the research. Yeah. Because then my co workers and everyone, they can’t really understand it. Yeah. Because they say in my work, it’s the evidence and I have my portfolio. They’re like, they don’t get it. They feel terrible every time that I’ve been let go. My bosses and I feel fortunate. They feel awful about it. Yeah. Because they just don’t understand. They’re like, we like you. You’re responsible, you’re on time. We don’t. But you’re not producing. We don’t understand. Yes. Yeah. And it’s a business at the end of the day, so I can’t really, for them. This is so good. I want you to just know that this is an unraveling. Okay. We’re just unraveling things here. And so you’re going to leave this conversation and you’re going to have a lot to, like, process. And then you come back to another coaching call, you come back to Slack and you just start to unravel, like, the next layer. The next layer. But you have what it takes to succeed if you are willing to be grounded in reality. That’s the only high estimation. That’s your only barrier is this desire to fantasize and not to be grounded in reality. And so what I would just really encourage you to do is constantly bring yourself back to reality. That’s. Yeah. No one has ever. Yeah, I’ve never seen it. Like, it’s great. I’ll be rewatching this. Oh, my goodness. I think that will be so helpful for you. All right, love. I’m so glad that you raised your hand. See, sweetheart? All right, goodbye. All right, guys, that was so good. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your contributions. I saw the chat going crazy. I love it so much. Just sending you all sorts of love and I just can’t wait to be back here with you again soon. All right, my friends, that’s it for today. I am sending you all, all kinds of love as you navigate this life with an ADHD brain. Go be amazing this week and I’ll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Hey, adhder. I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost confused, frustrated and like. No one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created Focused Focus is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.
