This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it’s around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides we’re done for the day. We’re done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That’s when I reach for Cure Energy. It’s a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes so I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid vi that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and acai berry flavors are my current go tos. Crisp, refreshing and they don’t taste fake, y’. All. They don’t taste fake. I’ll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly I. I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. What’s wild is that Cure Energy is only 25 calories and has zero added sugar. It actually helps me stay hydrated while giving me energy. Okay, I love coffee, but coffee could never Staying hydrated isn’t just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that’s why I love CUR Cure. It’s clean, it tastes great and it actually works. And remember, Cure is FSA HSA approved which is amazing. You can use that money to pay for cure and for I have ADHD listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com I have ADHD with the code I have ADHD. And if you do get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about CURE right here on the podcast. It really helps to support the show. Don’t just drink more, upgrade it right with cure. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristin Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this non neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast episode number 150. I am medicated, I am caffeinated times two and I am ready to roll. I am super pumped to introduce my guest to you today. We will be Speaking about the ADHD female experience all through the month of March. And today I have Yakini Pierce here with me to talk about motherhood. Yakini is a friend of mine. I think we met on Instagram. She now teaches in my program, program, a class on parenting, which is super fun. So she gets to add value to all of the members in focus, which is really, really, really fun. And she is a late diagnosis woman with adhd. Yakini is a mom of two amazing ADHD kiddos and the host of the ADHD Love Parent Talk podcast. She shares her wisdom on Instagram. You can find her at DHD Love 2020. And she’s here with us today to chat about all things motherhood and adhd. So, Yakini, welcome. Thank you for being here, my friend. Hey, Kristin, thank you for inviting me. It’s going to be fun. It’s going to be fun. So I was telling you before we press record that I was planning in my brain a solo show on motherhood and adhd, but just felt like, you know what? This will be so such a more valuable episode and just more interesting if we could just have a conversation about it. So you are a single mom with adhd. I’m a partnered mom with adhd. And so I think even just those two differences could be really important aspects of the conversation. So would you just introduce yourself to us a little bit? Tell us just a little bit about your ADHD experience. Like, tell me about that late diagnosis. I’d love to hear about it. Yeah, absolutely. So, again, I am Yakini and I’m so excited to be here and share my story. I actually, I would say my story starts off with my children. So my children are now. Well, my daughter just turned 13 and my son is about to turn 11 years old. And we started this journey several years ago when my kids were, you know, very exciting in the daycare system. Got kicked out a couple of times. And I was just trying to, as a parent, figure out what was going on. And I just knew my kids were wonderful, smart, loving kids, but there was just, just extra going on that I just couldn’t figure it out. And so fast forward a few years. I actually took my daughter in first to get assessed. And that was a recommendation from my therapist. And she was a family therapist. She met with my daughter and said, you know what, she might, it may be an ADHD thing or autism thing. And so I took her in and the doctor did not want to assess her because she was so young. And he said, well, bring her back if you still see the signs later. Well, long story short, my son, a couple years later, was going through the same symptoms and having the same issues and actually a little bit worse. And so I got him assessed and he was diagnosed with adhd. And what was interesting is all of the things that they were going through I saw in myself. I mean, I joke that this one I couldn’t really blame on their dad. This is 100% me, right? I mean, just 100% me forgetting things, getting sidetracked, just all of these different things we’re going to talk about. It was 100% me. And so after getting my son situated, and it took probably about, I would say about five, six years to get him really situated. After getting him situated and getting the support system, you know, in place for him, I decided to go ahead and have my daughter tested or assessed. And in parallel, I had myself assessed. And then we were both diagnosed with adhd. So I didn’t have a particular type. I was diagnosed with ADHD with a comorbidity of anxiety and depression, which is not too surprising for somebody who has been undiagnosed for, like, 45 years. Right, right. So, yeah, so that was when everything clicked. I was validated, and I said, okay, now I understand why I did all the things I did when I was growing up. Totally. So how long ago was that? Two years ago, because I’m 47 now. Okay. Okay. So what shifted for you when you got that diagnosis? So, as a mom, like, what were the shifts that you started to see or, like, allow for yourself as a mom? Yeah, so there were many things that really changed for me. I mean, to be honest with you, the changes really started as I saw myself in them. So I started putting little things in place to help me in terms of little things, like to help me not forget appointments, putting several alarms in place, you know, little things like that. But I think the biggest thing that changed for me right before and after my diagnosis is my overall perspective of myself and what was going on with my kids. I used to be very intense and used to be upset and angry all of the time. And, you know, they would come in and they would be intense coming in from school, and I would just try to figure out what was going on and why this was happening. And I would get intense in response. Right. And so there would be a lot of yelling and there would just be breakdowns, and I would cry a lot because I couldn’t figure out why I was doing this. And the biggest change happened when I was Able to take a step back, really understand the symptoms and how it was affecting. Affecting me, and in turn, how the symptoms were affecting them. And really being able to just see the full picture and say, wait a minute, it’s. First of all, it’s okay that they’re feeling this way, right? It’s okay that they’re coming home and, you know, they had a great day at school, but because they were masking all day, they’re just like, already, you know, they’re coming home, they are all over the place, and they just want to be themselves. And sometimes it’s just an intense moment. It is okay. This is a safe zone for them. This is a zone for them to be themselves. And when I changed my perspective on that, it also calmed me. It also said, okay, Yakini, because you are allowing your children to come home and be safe there. It was like this relationship changed between us. So it was a safe zone, not only for them, but it was a safe haven for me, too, because we could all be who we were at home. Does that make sense? It totally makes sense. And it sounds like, you know, the. The tension of feeling like there’s a problem here that I need to fix was really what. And you can tell me if this resonates like that was really what was making it, like, feel very negative rather than like, oh, this is happening and it’s not a problem. Is that true? Right. I felt like I needed to fix the situation, and it’s not that I needed to fix it. I just needed to put things in place that worked for us to make the situation better, right? They still were going to come home. Like, my son still comes home. He is ready to go, he’s excited, and he, you know, just got off the bus. He sees his mom, he sees his sister. That life is great, you know what I mean? It’s just him being intense walking through the door. And before, like, my hairs on the back of my neck would stand up because that was just so much intensity for me. But now it’s like, come on here. Hey, what’s going on? And give him a big hug and kisses all over the place. And then, because he knows I also need that calming time, we will allow him to be himself excited. And then we have a moment where he starts to calm the energy down. And then we start to get into homework and we start to get into free play. So there’s almost a system now to when he walks into the door and when my daughter walks in the door. When. Before it was just chaos, when they walked in. Yeah. So take me back to that chaos. I would love to hear what you’ve personally found to be really difficult about being a mom with adhd. And it might be fun to talk about it if you don’t mind, like the pre diagnosis version of that. Because I think a lot of moms, you know, it’s statistically relevant to say here that most women are diagnosed later in life. And so, you know, a lot of moms either are not yet diagnosed or they spent a lot of their motherhood time period in an undiagnosed state. So, like, let’s chat about that for a little bit because, wow, it really is a certain flavor of chaos when you have a brain that is spinny and kind of wild and then you add in babies, toddlers to the mix. It’s like there’s so much dysregulation, there’s so much disorganization, all of that. Like, what did that look like for you as a. So even taking a step back, even before I was a mom, I just remember I was always stressed out because I always felt the pressure of the world around me, even though I didn’t really need to take it on, right? I always felt the pressure of friendships. You know, I was not the best at relationships and friendships because I would always put all that weight. I would always try to fix things and fix people and serve people, and I didn’t need to do that, right. Sometimes I just needed to be a friend and just be a person that listened. But I always wanted to be the one to fix things, and that was a heavy weight. You know, as a whole, growing up, school was really hard for me. I just felt like I was always trying so hard to get, for example, straight A’s in school. And number one, I didn’t really need to do that. But number two, it was because I just wanted to show people that I was one of the best, right? And it was not even about proving it to myself, it was about proving it to everybody else. And, you know, people around me, and especially those who were also really smart that I hung around with. I mean, I just always put that pressure. And it really caught up to me. When I was in college and I got sick, I was so sick that my hair would thin out. And I mean, I remember talking to my mom about it recently and she said, and she’s the one that brought it up, and she says, I said, do you remember? Because I just recently graduated with my mba. This is why it’s so interesting. I recently graduated with my MBA. That’s. Yeah. And in 2020. I know. Right on you. That is big. It is. It is. Oh, my gosh. Well done. So I graduated in 2020. Wow. And so when chaos was just, you know, we were, you know, virtually teaching our children at home, and I was getting my degree. But this, Kristen, was the first time I got a 4.0 in my schooling. And the reason is, I really believe, is because I just did not put the pressure. I enjoyed myself. I enjoy the classes. I enjoyed my colleagues. I just enjoyed, enjoyed the process, where I was always fighting against the process, wanting to do so well, wanting to prove everyone that I can, you know, be excellent. I want it to be the top. Right. And I put all that pressure on myself. So I was always, always, especially in college, not feeling well. And so I carried a lot of that into motherhood. I want. You know, obviously, there’s no instructions for motherhood, but I wanted to be the best mom. And when I saw my children acting out or having temper tantrums in school or when I would get phone calls on a daily basis, that stress, again, just built up because, number one, I wanted to fix it, and I didn’t know how to fix it. Number two, I didn’t want to be that parent that everybody was looking at, wondering why my kids were acting so bad. Right. And so it was a lot of pressure. It was a lot of pressure on me, and then also dealing with, at the same time, marriage and then divorce. So all of that building up, it was just a lot of pressure. And so when I moved into this stage in my life where I was starting to understand everything, it just. I mean, it was just. I know everybody has different emotions about it. Some are not happy about the diagnosis, but it put all the puzzle pieces together. It just validated everything because I knew now that I wasn’t crazy. For all of the things that I was going through, for all of the stresses I was putting on myself and the reason why, for me, masking and not feeling like I could be myself for all the things I was trying to fix. I mean, just on and on, the list goes on all the way up through motherhood. And, yeah, it was just a validating experience once I got that diagnosis. That is so incredible. And I agree. I think for me, there have been different stages of validation. So, you know, I was diagnosed at 21, which is not super late in life, and that was validating, sort of. But what was most validating was, like, 10 years ago, when I really started to take my ADHD seriously. I, I throw around numbers, like 10 years ago, five years ago. I don’t actually know how long ago it was. It wasn’t like yesterday, but I don’t know. I was 30, probably early 30s. Right. Anyway, I’m just saying time blindness is a thing. So if you’ve heard me say five years ago, now you’re hearing me say 10 years. I don’t really know. It was a while ago. My kids were little. That’s all I got, right? So when I really started to take it seriously and treat it with honor and the respect that deserved, and then really learn about the symptoms, that was actually the most validating experience for me was like reading a book about ADHD and being like, oh my word. Like all of these things that I hated about myself are actually symptoms. And so kind of then going through, you know, the way that plays out, especially with my kids, like emotional dysregulation. I still have shame around. Like the way that I showed up as a dysregulated mama, you know, just not being able to regulate my own emotions. And therefore, you know, when a dysregulated toddler comes in and I’m a dysregulated mom, like the, the intersection of those two, it’s not pretty. And you know, I actually just had a situation with my son a couple days ago. He’s 13, and I actually like yelled at him in a way that I haven’t yelled at him in years. And it was a different experience because, like, I yelled at him and then I was able to be like, okay, I see what’s happening here. I’m super dysregulated. He’s super dysregulated. But I’m the adult in the situation. Like, it’s actually my job to figure this out. Like, he’s 13, he’s supposed to be annoying. It’s like his job is to talk back. His job is to like, he’s a 13 year old boy. Like he’s supposed to, right? Like, but I am a 40 year old woman and it’s actually my job to learn how to regulate myself and then help him to do that as well. And so the conversation that we were able to have afterwards where, you know, I apologize, took responsibility, blah, blah, blah, but then was able to talk about like, how we handle it when our emotions get really big inside of us and like, what I did wrong and what I want to do differently next time, using that as a teachable moment rather than going down a shame spiral, I think was really useful. No, I agree with that 100%. And you really brought up a good point because that’s another piece of my world that has changed is being able to explain things in detail. So it’s no longer I don’t know why this is happening. I know exactly why. Even if it happens out of impulse, I know now why it is happening. And to your point, that is another reason why our home is a safe haven is because I will share with them what is going on with me or you know, like you said, how to handle it differently in parallel. My. I think I talked to you about this before. Where I set up, I will say a community of people around my children. Right. And my son is on the IEP and one of the focus for him is to really talk about how to deal with his emotions when it comes to being dysregulated. So when he is having, when he start to, you know, hit a hundred percent, one hundred and ten percent, how does he come down from that? And then once he did, what does he learn from it? How will he handle that situation differently? Right. For my daughter’s side, she is not on a specific plan, but she also has a community of people to help her work on her emotions. So when she starts to get really upset and internalize her emotions, which is just as dangerous as people don’t realize, when she starts to internalize and starts to get upset at herself, then she’s allowed to do one of two things. She’s allowed to go to the counselor’s office, she can sit there, help herself reset and then return back to class. Or she can talk it through. But again, both of them are allowed and can talk through their emotions. Well, obviously that’s not good enough if I don’t do the same thing. So if I, I am emotional about something or if I get upset about something, I also do apologize. And then we talk through how I can handle that differently and how I will handle that differently. Now I will. We have the conversation of, you know, it’s not going to be perfect. Right. Right. We are impulsive sometimes things just come out of our mouths. But I can tell you I’m a lot better than I used to be because I understand what’s going on. Same. What are some of the things that you do to self soothe when you are feeling the intensity of your emotions and maybe you’re even in the presence of your kiddos. Like what are some of the things that you have learned that you can do to kind of like calm down your nervous system and get yourself a little bit regulated does it include bringing them into it? Or is it more like mommy needs a timeout? Like, what do you do to regulate yourself in those moments? So it really depends on the level. It could be as simple as me right in front of them taking deep breaths, you know, taking four or five, six, seven, eight, whatever, whatever. It will take deep breaths so they can see me try to recenter myself, right? Because I want them to be able to see some of that. Some of it is, which we talk about is sometimes I have to leave the room. If I am really upset, I will say, I’ll be back in a second. I need to just reset and take a moment and I will go in, close my door and again breathe. But at least I don’t have that energy around me. So yes, I’m doing the same things, but it’s with myself to get myself together. Sometimes I go into tears, right. Just to again just to get it all out and be able to get myself together so I can come back and have the conversation with them. And sometimes I have to go take a walk around the block, right? Even if it’s cold, I’m piling my stuff on and I’m walking outside. Yeah, but all of those things are things that we even talked about for them because all of those things. So like for example, the going into my room and resetting, I don’t use time out as a avenue for them to. For punishment. We talk about going into our rooms and resetting. We talk about having that moment to ourselves so that way we can come back with a hopefully clearer mind so we can talk through what was going on. So that’s kind of how we deal with things at home. You know, it’s interesting, I think you talked about the pressure just of being human. And I think some of us feel more pressure than others. And it sounds like you, like that’s one of your go tos, like feeling pressure is a big one for you. And I think that’s very relatable to a lot of women because I think they’re. We do feel a lot of pressure around motherhood and around showing up as a quote unquote, good mom, whatever that means. Like, nobody really, really knows what that means. But like, you know, I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good mom kind of a situation. And I think a lot of us put in like the good mom category would be like, I don’t break down in front of my kids, or they don’t see me, you know, emotional, or they don’t know when I’m upset. And I think, I suspect a lot of women with ADHD probably try to suppress their emotions in an effort to be a quote unquote, good mom. And what I have found for myself personally is that when I do that, they come out anyway, they explode. And so for me personally, being a good mom means bringing someone into my experience. Now I give them age appropriate details, right? Like sometimes what I am dealing with is an adult thing. They have no business knowing. They don’t need to feel like they need to take care of me, but bringing them into, like, I am having an emotional experience right now. And I think also one of the most important things to say, at least on my end, is this is actually not about you. So, like, I’m experiencing something in my body, in my mind, and I’m having a hard time. But just so you know, it’s not about you. So if you notice me being upset, it’s not about you. I’m gonna, I’m working on it. I’m taking care of myself. I don’t need you to take care of me because you’re the kid and I’m the parent. But you know, you might notice that I’m stressed out or you might notice that I’m struggling with this. And I just want you to, to know that it’s not about you. I think that that specifically is like a gift we can give to our kiddos, you know, to model being an emotional human in front of them, but then also giving them the reassurance that like, it’s not because of them, it’s just because being human is hard and sometimes we’re emotional. What are your thoughts about that? No, I do like that because the situations that I was specifically talking about is if we had a conflict between each other. But point. If I had a conflict externally of us, whether it is a hard day at work or I got in fight with a friend, whatever it may be. To your point, I am very open with my children in terms of what I am going through, what I’m experiencing. And sometimes it’s not even, you know, some of my frustration. It’s just like I cannot believe this, you know, X person did X. And I will say it in a funny way because everything isn’t it. Some things are frustrating, but everything does not get deeply into my skin. It bugs the crap out of me, but it doesn’t get deep into me. And I want them to experience that too. I want them to experience how I deal with the hard times. I want them to experience how I deal with certain situations that just annoy me because especially in their age group, they have a lot of people that annoy them. Right? They deal with that all the time. And so I want them to see all the different situations. To your point, there’s some things we don’t get in details right. About. But I will share with them as much as possible so they know how I handle, you know, different situations. Again, I tell them I don’t handle everything perfectly if I handle something wrong. I’ve also shared that with them, and I will share with them, okay, what either what I did differently the. The next time that came up or what I think I will do differently because maybe it was a new situation. Right? So, again, there’s a reason why I try to put different situations on the table and really keep our conversation open is because one of the things, especially like, around little boys, we always tell boys how, you know, and I’m not going to say everyone, but, you know, boys are taught to grow up to be very strong and hold on their emotions and not share their emotions, but it’s eating them up inside. And then on the other side, we tell our girls that they’re too emotional, right? And they’re always wearing things on their sleeve. So to break either one of those boundaries, I try to make sure that we are open about our emotions and we are open to share how that is making us feel and what we can do differently or how do we deal with other people that we may have hurt and what we can do differently. So we talk about that all of the time, different situations, whether, like I said, it is happening within our family or it’s something that happened externally, you know, of our family. So I love that so much because the ability to model the human experience, model failure, model imperfection and, like, model the process is so. That’s so vulnerable, you know. And again, I think this goes back to, like, wanting to be a good mom. I think many women are not willing to model that imperfection, model that failure, especially with the shame stories that we have around, you know, the body of evidence that we’ve collected that we do it wrong or that we mess up and, like, all of that stuff, right? And so if we can let go of some of that and embrace vulnerability and embrace, like, the messiness of being human, just, like, so cliche. But, like, whatever. Like, if we can embrace that and model it for our kids, that I’m sure. Well, actually, let me not assume. Let me ask you, do you find that that’s a point of connection? It Seems to me that that would be a point of connection between you and your kiddos. I truly believe it is. And I think it’s really changed our relationship. When I became more open and again, I became more open really when I understood everything that was going on with us when it came to the ADHD journey, our connection is so much stronger than it was even a few years ago. And that’s just because I’ve changed how I approach things. I’ve changed how I approach things with myself, with them. And again, I keep bringing up this safe haven is because when they walk in the door, now they feel safe. Now they’re, you know, my. I have a teenager and I have almost preteen. Right. Doesn’t mean they tell me everything. But I know that they are more open than they used to be because I can tell the ease. When they used to come home, it would be tension, it would be sadness, it would be frustration. Now when they come home, it’s okay. If I do have some frustration. Let me tell mom. I will sit and listen unless I think it’s something unsafe. Then I will, you know, give my thoughts. Otherwise, I’ll just sit and listen. And like my daughter, for example, I’ll say, if it’s something I really want to help her with or guide her with, I will say, would you like me to share anything with you? Or I can just listen either way. And if she says, you know what, I would just like you to listen, I might just listen. That’s so beautiful. Yeah. And. And we didn’t used to have that, right? I. It was kind of like I needed to remember. I needed. I was a fixer, right? I needed to fix things. There was a lot of people in my life who did not want me to fix daggone thing, but I always wanted to fix it. So I became a lot better with my kids with that. And my daughter said to me one time, she was telling me a story, I didn’t say anything. And I just gave her a hug. And she says, you know what she says? I feel so much better. Like, I just feel so much better now. It was just like a whole weight lifted off her shoulder just for. Because she was able to get it off her chest. That’s all she needed to do. She just needed to work through it. And it was a situation where I didn’t need to say anything, you know? So. Yeah. So the connection is a lot stronger now that I understand my role now as a parent. It does not mean I don’t. I don’t question Certain things I don’t stand when it’s unsafe. I mean, that doesn’t mean, and it doesn’t mean I don’t have the alpha role. Right. That doesn’t mean that at all. I don’t anybody questioning that. Right. But because I think that is some fear with parents if they really connect with their children on a deeper level. I think that’s what they’re afraid is that, oh my God, we’re, you know, they’re treated, we’re treating each other like friends or, or if I share too much of myself, they can see me as being weak. And I think that is strength and they will see it eventually. Right. It may not be today, but they will see that vulnerability can be strength. It is strength when you can show that side of you and how you deal with it. So. And now a word from our sponsor. Hey, Kristin here. I’m the host of this podcast, an ADHD expert and a certified life coach who’s helped hundreds of adults with ADHD understand their unique brains and make real changes in their lives. If you’re not sure what a life coach is, let me tell you. A life coach is someone who helps you achieve your goals. Like a personal trainer for your life, a life coach is a guide who holds your hand along the way as you take baby step after baby step to accomplish the things that you want to accomplish. A good life coach is a trained expert who knows how to look at situations, all situations, with non judgmental neutrality and offer you solutions that you’ve probably never even considered before. If you’re being treated for your ADHD and maybe even you’ve done some work in therapy and you want to add to your scaffolding of support, you’ve got to join my group coaching program, Focused. Focused is where functional adults with ADHD surround each other with encouragement and support. And I lead the way with innovative and creative solutions to help you fully accept yourself, understand your ADHD and create the life that you’ve always wanted to create, even with ADHD. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused to join and I hope to see you in our community today. I just want to just play with the idea of safety because, you know, it’s not something that I was thinking about before our conversation, but you’ve brought it up and I do think that that could be one of our primary goals. I don’t know if that’s like a good word, but like aspirations as moms to create safety within our home. And that’s a concept you’ve probably heard Me share this with Inside of Focus, but I haven’t shared it much here on the podcast. Like, the. The concept of safety is one that I really didn’t understand. And I used to kind of roll my eyes at I really. Which is, first of all, telling. And second of all, like, when I look back, I’m like, oh, Kristen, you just didn’t know. But, like, when somebody would say they felt unsafe but they were physically safe, I was like, I do not understand what that means. Like, my brain could not wrap around that concept. And after a year of weekly therapy appointments. Oh, I am now learning, really, really beginning to learn the concept of, like, emotional safety and what it means to allow and prioritize, like, the emotional safety within a space. And that has for sure changed my family dynamic because if someone feels threatened by a temper tantrum. So, like, let me speak for myself. When my kids would throw fits, I would feel threatened by it. And kind of, to your point of, like, there’s a problem, I need to fix it. I would go into fixer mode. Let me, like, solve this problem. So first of all, like, this temper tantrum is a problem. That’s first. And then second of all, it’s my responsibility to fix it, right? So, like, two things that actually make motherhood much harder is if I can look at a temper tantrum as, like, yeah, he’s three years old. Of course he’s going to throw a temper tantrum. This is not a problem, right? Or very similarly to like, yeah, I have adhd. Like, I’m going to lose my focus. This is not a problem, right? Understanding that, like, big emotions are actually not a problem that need to be solved was one of the main things that has allowed me to create safety within my home. So when my child is having a very human experience, like, the child is frustrated with homework. That’s a very human experience. What I used to do is my spidey senses would go up and I would feel like there’s a threat. Like, there’s a problem here and I need to solve it. Like, don’t be frustrated. But instead of just being like, yeah, this is really hard, it makes sense that you’re frustrated. Like, let me help you, right? Or do you want some help? If you. That even that just subtle shift is one of the ways to create safety in the home is just like, allowing people, allowing the humans in our lives to have human experiences. What are your thoughts on that? Is that too, like, weird? I feel like. No, no, no. I really like that. It was interesting because I just went Through a situation with my son. He and I were playing a game last night, and, you know, I’ve gotten to the point where he’s old enough, where I don’t. I know some parents will say, he’s not old enough. You should let him win. But my kids are extremely, like, smart and competitive, and we play games all the time. So it’s at a point where I no longer let him win. Right. And so he was having a bad, bad moment of losing, and. Because usually he beats me, too, but he was having a bad moment of losing. And at the last game, he had this huge meltdown. And before it was, like I said before, I really understood it all, it would have been like, you shouldn’t have a meltdown. And, you know, why are you melting down? We all lose. And just all the things that, you know, people could say. Yep. And yesterday I just grabbed him, I held him, and I just gave him kisses. And I said, I understand that you’re upset. I know you tried your hardest and gave him lots of kisses and hugs, and we just breathed together. And it probably took him, I would say about five minutes. It would take. It took him to calm down, and then he just put his arms around me, and then he just finally calmed. Where before. If I did it differently, Kristen, he could have had that breakdown for 30 minutes to 45 minutes to sometimes an hour. Right. And that’s just because I changed how I, number one, connected to him. I connected to him, first of all. Right. I really want him to understand. I understand what he’s going through. Plus, I was that exact same child. I hate it to lose. I was one of those children that if my dad beat me in a game, I remember throwing. Throwing. Throwing the board up. So mad. So how can I be mad at my child who’s feeling the same exact way? Right. I just want him to learn sooner than I did how to deal with those emotions. So, yeah. So, yeah, I just do things differently. Oh, it’s beautiful. Do you have any, like, mom fails, any at all that you would be willing to share with us? I think that there is such solidarity and camaraderie in motherhood when we share our fail stories with each other. I don’t know if that resonates with you or not, but do you have any, you know, kind of off the top of your head of, like, an ADHD moment where it was like, that was a total mom fail? Yeah. I mean, I think that just going through the ADHD journey process. So when I first started this journey, even though in My heart, I knew my kids. There was something going on with my kids. All I could see is my kids getting into trouble, getting those phone calls and acting bad. So I was not completely on their side at that point. Right. This was all new to me, and I didn’t really understand that they’re like. I said, it was like, in my soul, but all I could see is that phone ringing and the phone number coming up, and I’m, like, cringing because I knew I was gonna have to come pick up my kid. Right. And I would just. Could see your face right now. I would be so mad because I’m thinking, I have to go pick up my child again. I just know they’re calling me to pick up my child. Yeah. So I would say probably if. I would say that was a failure. It was that learning of. Well, no, it was just that experience of being upset and just trying to figure out how to keep my child into daycare and why are they getting in trouble and why am I getting another phone call. Right before I just took a step back and said, you know what? I think I had a tipping point when. I don’t know if I share this in your group, but there was a tipping point when I went to a camp or I took my. My child to a camp, and I walked into the door and I could see my son. Like, he was. His eyes were bloodshot red. You could see he was shaking. And that changed everything. And because the first thing I said to now keep in mind, before I put them into any daycare, well, they don’t do daycare anymore. But before I put them into any daycare or send them to any camp, I always made sure that they could accept children with adhd, especially like my son. My daughter had. Like I said, she had been less external because she also went through the same thing for a little bit and also got kicked out a couple of daycares. But she was less external and more internal. So she didn’t really show. She didn’t really get into trouble as much. So when I got that, well, I didn’t get the call, but I walked into the daycare, and I could see he was shaking, and I could see his eyes were red. And the first thing I asked the director is what she did versus what did my child do? And the reason why, Kristen, is because I do the same thing with. I do everybody else. I sit with them at the beginning of camp. We go through some scenarios. I have, like, a piece of paper of, you know, this happens. This is what you can do this is how you can transition him. If you follow that. Yeah. You may get some, you know, slow transitions, you may get a few talking back, but I’m telling you, overall, you will get him to go to the next thing. They decided not only to ignore what I gave them, I went through a few points. I didn’t go through everything. I found out later that they didn’t even read the rest. And one of the people working there decided to go ahead and tell me this. And so when I found that out, I was so. I mean, that just changed everything for me because it made me realize that it isn’t perfect, but if you can follow a plan for that specific child, yeah. Things could go a lot smoother than you think. Right. So that was the point where I never was not on their side anymore. That was the point. If parents, teachers, camp directors, anybody looked at my child wrong, or if I got a phone call, I will say, well, did you try this, this, this and this? Did we talk about this? You know, I mean, I was completely on their side. And I think he was probably about, I would say about five, five and a half at that time. And that changed everything. I said, I will never let my children feel this way ever again. And I remember that when I talked to her boss, she not only read that information and implemented it for my son, she also implemented some of those things for the other kids, of course. And. Right. I mean, there were things that worked for the other kids. Right. It really wasn’t that hard. So I will say probably the beginning of the process was my biggest fail, because all I wanted to do is appear. Like, you said that I was like the best mother, you know, and I didn’t understand why my kids were acting the way they were acting. Yeah. But then as I grew with them, I realized it really wasn’t them. And then that point was my tipping point. And they never had issues with support for me ever again. I just think that is so awesome because I actually really relate to that. And I don’t know what your growing up experience was like, but, like, when you are parented by baby boomers, like, baby boomers were not on the side of the child. Right. They were like, the teacher’s right, the parent’s right, the authority is right, the child’s wrong. And so when we are parented in that way, we’re just like, oh, yeah, I guess that’s just the way it is. Right. And then you have these little people in your care. And for me personally, I totally agree. I started off with that as well, where it was like, obviously, my child has messed up. Obviously, my child is the problem. I need to fix the problem. And I remember, oh, my gosh, one terrible, terrible, like, mom fail moment in this, like, same vein is that we were out trick or treating. And I think it was the first, like, the first time trick or treating in our newer neighborhood. This was, like, six years ago. And so there was, like, a special flavor of, like, I’m new here. Like, I’m the visitor. So I don’t know. I just. I felt a little bit like I had something to prove, I think, to your point. Like, I’m a good mom. I’m a good person. We’re a good family. Like, I don’t know, we’re not the weird neighbors, even though we probably are. And so my, like, we’re out trick or treating. I have three kids. It’s chaos. And my son, like, we’re in front of somebody’s house, and my son grabs candy from a little wagon. And I thought that was, like, where you were supposed to get the candy. And then this mom turns around, and she’s like, your son is taking my daughter’s candy. And, like, it was her daughter’s wagon, and he thought it was, like, the. The basket to take candy. Oh, my gosh. And so he’s, like, taking candy. And in that moment of, like, oh, my gosh, I want to, like, I mean, it happened so fast, but instead of my reaction being like, oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I thought this was the thing. I instead, like, to my son was like, what are you doing? You’re taking the person’s candy right on, like, almost on the other person’s team rather than my son’s team. Right? And that’s such a painful memory to think about, right? And that’s not who I show up as anymore. But just to remember how, like, I. I would think my kid was the problem, rather than like, hello, I’m the adult here. Like, I’m the one that should be looking at what he’s doing, right? Those kinds of things. Like, your child senses that. Like, and I’ve apologized for that so many times, but your child senses when. When you’re not on their team. But I think that, again, as moms, we want to be the right mom. We want to show society, the world. Like, we have all of this stuff in us that’s like, I’m a good person. I’m a good mom. Like, I need to kind of prove it. If I wasn’t Concerned about proving that I was a good mom in that moment, then I would have just addressed the humanity and like, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. This is on me. Like, here, buddy, let’s go over here. You know, and I wouldn’t have shamed my kiddo for it in the moment. And I just think if we can drop that story, whatever that is of being a good mom and kind of shift it into. A good mom is on their kid’s team. A good mom creates a safe environment. A good mom allows their kid to show up as a human being who is imperfect. A good mom lets their kid freak out and doesn’t make it mean anything about them, the child or, you know, you as a mom, like, oh, that hurts my feelings when you, you know, when you’re frustrated or something like that, you know, like if we can just let them have their, their human experience, like that’s really what being a good mom is, I think. What are your thoughts on that? I agree. No, I really like that. Yeah. I think we just have so much pressure in our heads just because of the way society lifts up moms in a certain way, right? We have to be this, this perfect superhero type mom and we have to have our kids standing in a perfect line and their hair has to be perfect and their clothes can’t get dirt. I mean, just the wild ideas about what our children should be or how they should be really does affect how we raise them. And I just don’t. I just want them to be good humans, right? I just want them to be confident in themselves, be confident in their souls, know that they’re wonderful, caring people. Knowing that they’re intelligent people, you know, because I even remember a phase when, you know, my children, and I’m sure many ADHD kids, parents can probably attest to this is when they go into self negative talk, right? When they really get down on themselves because they make a mistake. And I just want them to know they are intelligent people, that they’re wonderful beings. That’s all I want them to know. Everything else is kind of like second nature, right? It’s like, you don’t have to be perfect. Like I remember my, my daughter says, you know, I don’t feel like doing my hair today, okay? She’s still going to class, she still works her behind off, gets her A’s and B’s and she still goes out for her sports, whatever, right? And then the next day she says, I think I’m gonna do my hair today, okay? I am not going to focus on things like that. Yeah. And if you were someone who. Who made being a good mom mean, like, my kids need to look perfect, then that would have been a whole fight you would have had with her. Right. Like, you can’t go out of the house without your hair done. Like, come on, let’s go. And then it would have been this tension and the back and forth, rather than just like, okay, there’s actually not a problem here. It go back to what you said at the beginning. There’s actually not a problem here. This is not a problem. And I think that would be a great question for us to ask ourselves. Like, is this actually a problem? Most of the time, the answer is no. My kid is freaking out. Is this a problem, or is this a human experience? Human experience. My kid is wearing. For me, I had to let go of my kids wearing sweatpants to school every single day. They were sweatpants to school when? Like, in the 90s, if you wore sweatpants to school, that was not cool. Do you know what I’m saying? But now, I don’t know. I guess that’s what people wear. And, like, my husband and I have tried. We’re like, you have nice clothes. Can you please wear them? But, like, honestly, is it a problem? No, it’s not a problem. Right? Like, eventually, positive peer pressure will catch up with them, hopefully. And, like, I’m gonna. Hopefully, they’ll have a couple nice pair of sweatpants. I mean, I don’t know, right? It’s like, we gotta make. I hope you’re laughing at me. Well, you know what else? It’s because I’ve seen the kids walk out of the door with pajamas. I’m like, raina, why are they wearing pajamas? Yes. Like, is this a thing now? So my son. That is one of his arguments is that when I said, like, you know, you don’t have to wear sweatpants every day, and he’s like, well, at least I’m not wearing pajamas. Like, you know, whoever wears pajamas to school. And I’m just like, what? Okay, fine, you can wear sweatpants. Like, true. You make a very good point. At least you’re not wearing pajamas. I love it. In what ways do you support yourself as a mom with adhd? What scaffolding do you have in place for you as an ADHDer who is a mama? What scaffolding do you have in place to support yourself with adhd? Yeah, so I would say I’m better at this. I mean, I’m not 100% good. Because, I mean, honestly, my kids are My everything right now, I mean I’m at, you know, every practice and running them all over the place when they come home. You know, we focus on homework, conversations, games, etc. So they’re probably the biggest focus. The. I. I won’t say this is a lucky thing. I mean obviously it’s depends on how you look at this. I have every other weekend, right. So because of my divorce. So during those times it allows me just to have moments with me. I mean moments with me whether it is literally just sitting there watching Netflix and having a glass of wine. Moments with me where I will do some yoga. Moments with me where I’ll go visit friends and moments with me where I’ll just sleep, right. It just depends. It just, it just allows me to do whatever I want to do and I take it very seriously. I tried not to be too connected to the world. I just, well, except for social media, I just, you know, that’s my, I would say that’s my downfall. But outside of that I try not to be too connected to the world and I just try to be there for me. I mean I do believe in now when my kids are with me, I do believe in sometimes I will because they’re old enough, I’ll sit there in the corner on my couch and just take a quick nap. I mean, because they will be busy doing other things anyway. And I think that’s the beauty about my children being older. When my children were little, if they took a nap, I took a nap when they took a nap, right. And so I always try to fit some things in. I will say I’m a lot better with it today because I’m more conscious of it today. I felt like I needed to be there and do everything. And you know, when they were sleep, sometimes I would get things done every, like I said, every once while I was taking naps. But for the most part I would try to get things done while they were asleep. I don’t do that now. Now I will, I mean while they’re there I will, I will take a moment. For me, I just, I have to, I have to especially. I mean they’re just. There’s just so much going on in my life, right? And as a mom, as an advocate, as a business owner, as a person that works a full time job, as two kids who have so many activities, there’s just so much going on in my life. I can’t do what I did when I was a teenager or young, in my twenties. I have to really be conscious of taking care of myself extra now. Yeah, so I do. And I just make sure that like I said every other, my every other weekend I really take care of myself. And then when they’re with me, I may slide in some naps in between. So. So it sounds like you find a lot of joy in spending time with them, but you also understand your own limits and that you set up some like boundaries around that time. Would that, does that sound. Absolutely, absolutely. And, and they know, I mean they’ve grown to know when I need my time, even if they’re physically there, like I said. So for example, my daughter may be at the table playing on her phone because on the weekends we have a more open phone policy or electronic policy. So she might be at the table, he’s sitting on the couch, you know, playing his game and I’m in the corner asleep. So you know those type of things because they know they we. That’s the beauty about the open conversation. I really stay connected to them to let them know that your mom is extremely busy, especially with you guys. And so there are times when I just need a few moments even if they’re around. And I actually Kristen, it’s really interesting because they’ve gotten older and they’re able to be more self sufficient. It’s a lot easier to take some moments while they’re there. And I still like their energy there. Yes, I just take a quick moment for me and they’ll just sit there and not bother me. And then when I’m up again or when I’m done watching something, we connect again and we do whatever we do together. I totally agree that like this phase, so my oldest is 13 like yours and that phase is so much more tolerable for my ADHD brain because I’m able to have more adult conversations and be more open about like my own limits. That’s something that I’ve been talking to my kids a lot about lately is just I have limits. Like I’m a human and so my capacity is not endless. And so especially like at the end of the day, my 8 year old goes to bed at 9 o’ clock and you know, he wants me to like lay in bed with him and, and it is great. And then, and then my body says like you’re done here, get the F out. Like my body is like leave, you must leave. And so I will gently, very sweetly, but I will gently just tell him like, okay, mommy’s reached her limit, like I love you so much. Give him a squeeze and leave. And just being able to have that language, it’s not. I’m not putting it on him. Like, you made me reach my. Like, it’s not about him. It’s just about, like, my own capacity. And just very kindly and gently being able to share. Like, I’m at my max. Like, every human has a limit, and I’ve reached mine. And being able to share that. And that’s kind of what you’re saying, too. It’s like, I love being available, and also, I have limits. And when I know I’ve reached my limit, I communicate that gently, and I take a little nap. And I just. I love that because I think so many women equate, like, good motherhood with, like, no limits, with just being constantly available. And I think what that breeds is resentment and then those explosives, you know, emotions. Because we’ve been pushing down the part of our body that’s saying, like, okay, I think, like, we. I need some time alone. Like, I think we’re done here. We need to kind of escape for a minute. And we push it down. No, I want to be a good mom. No, I want to be a good mom. And then, boom, we end up exploding and essentially not meeting our standard of being a good mom, because we just did not listen to our bodies, listen to ourselves, when we knew we had a limit. Exactly. And being open, not being afraid to be open with your children, I think is really important. I. I just don’t hide it. I don’t hide it anymore. I. To your point, I’m very clear about, okay, I’m done. You know, and it was so funny. I remember a friend of mine being around when they said that, and it cracked them up, because I was just like, okay, I’m done. Right? And. But I. Like you said, I said it in a way where they didn’t feel like, oh, my God, she just cut me off. It was kind of like, all right, sweetie, sweetheart, I’m done. So you guys do what you’re doing, and I’m going to sit here and just take a moment, and then after I’m done taking a moment, we’re going to finish our game, you know, or whatever it may be. I love that. And so, yeah, all right. This has been so much fun. I really appreciate all of your insight and your expertise. You really have just a beautiful way of communicating the parenting experience, especially. Especially as it pertains to, you know, adhd, kiddos. So thank you so much. I’m just curious, do you have any, like, last tidbit of encouragement for the mamas listening who, you know, are kind of floundering, maybe like similar to a couple years ago version of you or of me who are, who are struggling. What encouragement do you have for them? There’s a lot I could say, but I’ll just say a couple of things. One, be patient with yourself. I mean, you’re going to. It’s not an easy road, it’s not an easy journey, but it can be a successful one. You’re going to learn a lot. Learn as much as you can. Try, try as many things. Be flexible, right? Because everything doesn’t work for everybody. And then find those things that work specifically for you and for your children. There are things that will work. You just have to, to not give up. So the other thing is, we just talked about it. Love on yourself. It is important for you to give yourself attention and love and patience. Do not beat yourself up when you do have a moment where you might yell or scream. It’s going to happen because we all, like you said, have our limits. That’s why it’s important to take care of yourself. But if it does happen, do not beat yourself up. And then I say the last thing is, is that just keep learning. I learn things about ADHD and myself and my children all of the time, especially because they’re growing, right? There are. They are constantly changing. So now it’s like ADHD and preteen and teenager. Then it’s going to be ADHD and teenager and college student. Right? So they are constantly growing and learning. So you are too. And you’re going to constantly grow and learn. How do I say this? You are going to constantly learn how to interact that with that person that’s changed. So it’s always going to be a learning experience. So don’t stop learning and do not stop researching and gathering information and how you can see support your children. So I think that’s it. Can you tell my listeners where they can connect with you? How can people find you, find your, your info, all of the things. Tell us how we can find Yakini Pierce on all the platforms. Absolutely. So I kept it very Easy. I am ADHD Love 2020. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, I am new on TikTok and Twitter, so but you can find me there. And I am not as active as I used to be on Clubhouse, but at some point I think I am going to be active again. So you can also find me there. I will have my website probably up in the next, within the next month. And that is www.adhdlove2020.com and my store is www.adhdlove2020 store. There’s just too many dots, so you can find me pretty much everywhere. That’s awesome. And your podcast, ADHD Love Parent Talk Podcast is on itunes and Spotify. Yes, yes. It’s pretty much on most platforms, so. Yes, on the platforms. Perfect. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. I just adore you. I appreciate all the value that you offer to the Instagram community, to your podcast community, to my Focus community, just all the things I just. And to me personally, I just, you know, I think you’re great. So thanks for being here. If you’re being treated for your adhd, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential, you’ve got to join Focus. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always wanted. No matter what, no matter what season of life you’re in or where you are in the world, Focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the info.
