August 23, 2022

ADHD Coaching: Knowing What You Want, The Hard Parts of Your Job, Deciding to Put Yourself First

This episode is a compilation of a few coaching conversations I’ve had in the last couple of weeks in my coaching program, FOCUSED. I am sharing it with you because I truly believe that while you listen, you will relate to each person I speak with and you’ll be able to have life-changing transformation.



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Kristen Carder 0:05
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain. Unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter and you’re listening to the I have ADHD Podcast, episode number 173. I am medicated, I am caffeinated. And I’m ready to roll. How are you? How are you? How are you? I am so glad that you’re here. And that you decided to press play on this podcast episode today. I know you’re busy. I know you’ve got a lot going on. And you’ve only got so much time and attention. And I’m so grateful that you decided to spend your time and attention on this episode. It’s going to be a goodie. So get ready. Okay. This episode is a compilation of a couple coaching conversations that I’ve had in the last couple of weeks in my coaching program focused. I’m sharing it here on the public podcast because I’ve chosen what I believe are extremely relatable topics. Knowing what you want, finding the dopamine in your job, and putting yourself first and I coach these clients that I speak with to transformation on each of these topics. And I truly believe that while you listen, you will relate to each person I speak with. And you’ll be able to have your own transformation. It’s one of the best parts about group coaching. We get to hear other people and relate to them and identify with their struggles, and then apply the coaching that they receive to our own lives. Some of my most profound transformations have come from when I’ve heard other people being coached. So I hope that you have that same experience here today. Please enjoy.

Coaching 1 2:19
Where to go.

Kristen Carder 2:20
Turn that video back on. There you are. Hi.

Coaching 1 2:23
Hey, how are you doing?

Kristen Carder 2:24
I’m great. How are you? I’m

Coaching 1 2:26
doing good. Thank you. Good. I love listening to your podcast and been really helpful and funny.

Kristen Carder 2:31
I’m so glad I’m so glad to hear that. Good. How can I help you today? Um,

Coaching 1 2:37
I mean, I just you know, I teach and it’s, it’s really difficult to teach and have ADHD. On one hand, I can relate to the students that I have. Because I have a lot of kids often that have executive function issues. I’ve got a daughter who’s got ADHD and they both have had learning issues. So that’s been helpful in some some respects. But the school thing you know, I get overweight, especially with like grading is like terrible.

Kristen Carder 3:09
Would you say that’s the like the hardest part for you?

Coaching 1 3:13
I would say that, that that is probably the hardest part and just sort of being consistent in with like classroom management things. Those are tough for me. So, yeah.

Kristen Carder 3:26
Like is like which would you prefer to dive into today? Classroom management or the grading?

Coaching 1 3:33
I think the grading because I probably have improved my classroom management skills, but grading is still just, I mean, it’s I still have struggle with that at times. And I think it also depends on the class I had. I’ve had some very difficult classes with a lot of sort of issues. And but, you know, like I said, there’s been stacks of things that just like, getting the grading done and being consistent. It’s yeah, the paperwork thing is, is big and real. It’s

Kristen Carder 4:04
a real thing. Yeah. When you think about grading, this is gonna be a weird question. Well, it’s not weird, but like, if you’re new around here, it might feel like a weird question. What emotion comes up for you, when you?

Coaching 1 4:20
I would say, it’s a mixture of like, exhausting. I just want to go to sleep and anxiety. Yeah, those two things.

Kristen Carder 4:29
What, what thought do you do you think causes the exhaustion?

Coaching 1 4:38
Just not knowing sometimes where to start? Or how to sort of keep track of things? Yeah,

Kristen Carder 4:43
I don’t even know where to start. Yeah,

Coaching 1 4:45
so it’s like, um, I mean, the good news is I taught I’ve been teaching math and math is not my teach fifth grade, but it’s not my subject at all. And it was really difficult last year because there were times when When I would just like not able to teach when I’m teaching, I’m just like, really good luck. But again, getting back to the grading, I think it’s just, you know, sort of, I guess, when there’s many, there’s many moving parts and many things that I need to grade and get back to the kids sort of on a consistent sort of basis. I just, you know, I, I guess I get shut down and I find things, you know, I get in the classroom, and I’ll be like, Okay, I’ve got to, like, move this over here, do all these other things. And then all sudden, my, the time that I spent because I get there early before anybody else before you know, the one who’s like, you know, don’t does the not getting my grades and so,

Kristen Carder 5:43
okay, okay, so why are you telling yourself that you don’t know where to start?

Coaching 1 5:48
Um, why am I telling myself

that? I guess probably because part of it is habit. Oh, my gosh. It’s habit. It feels like, it feels comfortable. Like, I don’t know where to start. So I’ll just like, you know, focus on the thing I can do, which is like cleaning the fish tank, or whatever it is, I totally,

Kristen Carder 6:09
would you rather grade or clean the fish tank?

Coaching 1 6:13
Oh, I’d rather clean the fish tank. Totally.

Kristen Carder 6:14
So I think that this is a very sneaky thought that’s actually not even true.

Like, do you know where to start?

Yeah, you know exactly where to start. But you’re really feeling starting? Sure. You know that when you start? It’s going to be work. You know, that discomfort that we feel when we have to like, oh, transition, transition into that deep work. You know, that discomfort, right? Where you’re just like, I don’t still I feel that with my podcast stuff. Like, like having a podcast. I hate writing them. And it’s that discomfort of like, Ah, it’s gonna be hard.

Okay. I think that this thought

every time you think like, I don’t know where to start, I think you should grab it.

And question it. Not true.

Because I suspect that your brain is trying to keep you in comfort. Right? So much more fun and easy and comfortable to clean fish tank, or rearrange these desks? Or water the plants or go talk to someone in the copier room? You know where to start? Is this like, it’s gonna be hard?

Coaching 1 7:47
Yes, it’s hard. And it feels like, you know, where it’s like, and I know you’ve talked about this on your podcast where it doesn’t feel I mean, you can I guess it can feel finite at some point where it’s like, Okay, I’ve done this one thing. But then there’s another thing to grade where it’s like, if it’s an actual task, like likely fish tank or rearranging room that that is like definitive beginning and end and you can see results from that. Yeah, like, yeah, like,

Kristen Carder 8:15
so interesting. Okay, let’s think about this. What your brain is doing?

Can we relate it to

Coaching 1 8:23
laundry? Yeah, because I’m terrible doing laundry.

Kristen Carder 8:27
What your brain is doing is being like,

laundry never ends.

And there’s really no point in doing it. I don’t even want to start because I know it’s just like a never ending process. What your brain is forgetting is that you actually really like to wear clean clothes. So you’re not really taking advantage of the dopamine that comes from being like, here is a fresh pile of laundry. It’s clean. And I folded it, it’s not put away because like, let’s be real, but it is clean. And that feels really good. I know that I’m gonna have clothes to wear tomorrow. I know that if I go out and like work in the yard. And then I come back in and I want to change I know that I’m close to change into like, there’s, I think you’re missing out on some of the satisfaction that comes from that. It’s like dishes too. It’s like why bother do dishes is never ending, right? I really like having a clean kitchen.

I like walking in.

I have an island now a kitchen island. I’m very fancy. This is brand new. I’ve never had a kitchen on before. And I have a kitchen island now. With


like OMG for me, it’s just like I can’t wait I

Coaching 1 10:00
love that kitchen is too small here, but it’s awesome.

Kristen Carder 10:04
Like for my life, okay, so I have a kitchen island with stores. So I love to like, have my kids come up and sit at the island. And I really like it to be clean. But there’s no way to do that unless I participate in the never ending process. That is dishes.

You know, I’m saying, Yeah,

I think that you’re robbing yourself of some of the dopamine and satisfaction that comes with like, I love handing out papers to to kids. I love when a kid does their work. And then they get to see like, this was awesome, great job, or here’s where you need to like tweak I love. Like, I would really encourage you to make the handing out of papers, a dopamine filled process, everybody gets candy, something like that. Do you know what I’m saying? Where it’s like, it is never ending? It’s going to be never ending. Like, welcome to being a teacher. You’re always going to have to create stuff, right? Yeah. But I want you to start to look at how is this really satisfying?

Coaching 1 11:25
Well, for for me, it’s satisfying, because I can see progress or not. And I’m able to like, say, Okay, this, this student needs help in this area. And I’m able to organize how I teach because their grades and their you know, their progress or not progress. Do you like to teach? I do. There’s a lot of portions of it that I don’t like. The whole administrative part of just dealing with that is gotten really tricky, but thanks. But I do like it in. Yeah. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 12:03
Does grading make you a better teacher?

Coaching 1 12:06
i Yeah, it does. Because you can you can see the progress or you can kind of evaluate yourself on what you’re doing.

Kristen Carder 12:15
Yeah. How does your body feel right now?

Coaching 1 12:19
Right now relaxed. Focus, like I had, I was having trouble focusing this morning. I just feel like I’m more focused.

Kristen Carder 12:25
Totally. I think that you are more focused, because you’re thinking about the satisfaction of like, I actually really do like my job. Yeah, I actually really do like teaching. I acknowledge that grading. While it’s an annoying process. It makes me a better teacher makes me more effective. I love showing students the, like the fruit of their labor, oh my gosh, I don’t know if that works. I love I love it when I can see a kiddo working hard. And then they’ve made improvements. And I get to show them that like, hey, great job. So I, I want you to notice the difference in your body from I don’t know where to start. This is never ending, I have to be consistent, and I’m not consistent. I wouldn’t like the difference in your body from that moving in toward. This is a never ending process. But it really makes me a better teacher. And I love the satisfaction of it.

Coaching 1 13:39
Think it’s great. Yeah. And, you know, it’s basically your training, retraining your brain to like, focus on something.

Kristen Carder 13:47
Yeah. And

I want you to start, one of the things that you’re going to learn how to do in this program is like, watch yourself think it’s like being an observer of your own mind. And I want you to begin to grab the thought, I don’t know where to start. I want you to grab it. And I want you to be like, that’s actually not true.

We know where to start. We don’t want to have to do the thing. We know where to start.

Okay, but the last thing I want to leave you with. I’m spend much time here but the last thing I want to leave you with is you have a very strong story around being consistent with grading. I think you said it like maybe four times. And as an avid listener to my podcast, you know how I feel about that word. So I want you to I want you to start to like question, Can I drop my story on consistency and just be persistent. I love that. Can we just let go of like, consistency? It’s not really a thing for us. Can we just let it go? And can we be like, I’m going to persistently tackle this grading so I can have the satisfaction of seeing my students progress. You don’t get to see your students progress. Unless you are grading their stuff. It is literally the reward for your labor. Being able to see oh, my gosh, they’re killing it. They’re getting it. Like that is the reward of your effort.

Coaching 1 15:44
That’s that. That’s great advice.

Kristen Carder 15:47
Amazing. Now go be great. Sounds like an awesome teacher. Teacher. You’re awesome. All right, change in your role. Send me back. Oh, so good. What’s up?

Coaching 2 16:02
I don’t know. Just last time I was on, you helped me process the resigning through coaching volleyball and all that stuff. And that was back in June. And so it’s been a summer of processing the emotions of being done and knowing it’s okay. Like each day is a new hurdle in regards to thoughts or emotions in regards to, hey, I feel this way. But I’m doing a really good job of redirecting my feelings and knowing that resigning was a good thing, okay. It was a good thing. I’m home with my family, but I still feel lost. It’s been a hard summer of a lot of unstructured. I feel lost. I just sit here. I’m not sure what to do. Although I know what to do. And just not doing it because I feel stuck.

Kristen Carder 16:45
What is it? What do you know? Well, I

Coaching 2 16:48
know that I should be cleaning, I shouldn’t have to actually be in the office, I should be getting my daughter this I should be up doing these things. But I just haven’t been the motivated because I’ve been so kind of depressed and mopey, per se. But I also know that school is coming. So my structure is going to come back in three weeks. So like, I’m kind of like, Okay, I will survive, things are gonna go okay. But I just feel like now I need to put it into play and like be more accountable. But I I’m also struggling with all sorts of outside parts of my life, like my husband and his snappiness. And then my parents and my brother and my family who I have not talked to for a month, because I they trigger me and they make me freak out. And I just don’t even want to be around them. So I’m trying to, you know, what do I do next? Do I reach out to my parents and say, Hey, we haven’t talked because of blah, blah? I don’t know. So it’s just, I’m unsure. And I’ve literally just blocked them out. And I’m going to therapy later today, too, as well. But it’s like, I don’t know, do I just continue to leave them out of my life for now,

per se, but

they want to see my kids, but I don’t want to see my parents, but you don’t like and I don’t my husband doesn’t want my kids to see them. It’s like it’s just a what? How do I go with the routes of my family? Like, do I continue to keep them out? Or do I try to say, here’s a boundary, blah, blah, blah, you know? Or do I want to go through that emotional trauma? Again? I don’t want to do that.

Kristen Carder 18:15
What? Can you just sit with that for a minute, like, what do you want? It sounds like you’re really in your head, like kind of jumping from thing to thing. And for all of you like when you notice that you’re kind of like, Don’t do this. What I really recommend is just like, stop and hop into your body, you’re very much in your head, which is normal for us with ADHD are very much in our heads, right? And we struggle to kind of like, calm down. Yes. So I’m gonna just keep pulling you down. What does your body tell you?

Coaching 2 18:53
My body tells me that I shouldn’t talk to them. Perfect. And I know that. But that’s the next step. But

Kristen Carder 19:01
then your brain see this is so interesting. And how many of you experienced this, your body tells you one thing and then your brain tries to talk you out of it.

Coaching 2 19:09
It tries to validate that or not validate but the devil’s advocate like but yeah. And like even so with my parents, but then like was saying my husband, he’s kind of snappy, he’s getting better. He’s acknowledging.

Kristen Carder 19:27
Bring it back, bring it back. Just for now. I want you to be honest with yourself about what you want with your parents. It doesn’t mean that that’s what you’re going to continue to do. But I don’t want you to ask yourself today, at least for today. Well, what do I want to do? Do I see them? Do I not see them when you go to your therapist today? I want you to be grounded in

this is what I want. I don’t know how to do it. Right.

I don’t know if it’s the right thing. But I want to set you up. We’re doing the prep work right now, for the therapy appointment, right? You can go in and be like, my body is telling me.

Coaching 2 20:13
I don’t want to be around them at all. Dude, like, it just makes me like,

Kristen Carder 20:22
and how long if you could just like pause and reflect? How long have you been talking yourself? Out of listening to your body?

Coaching 2 20:34
In regards to my parents for about 10 years,

Kristen Carder 20:37
may be longer? I don’t know. And so it’s very.

Coaching 2 20:44
I don’t I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to talk to them. Because everything they do is anti anti good. Let’s, let’s start with let’s cuddle my brother who is alcoholic? This this this? Do we do we do it. They’re paying his rent, they’re paying for whatever, like they are holding him in this dish of Oh, you’re so great. And then there’s got a full time job, the husband, good career, everything. But you need to give me the money back for the bill when I bought your groceries. So this is like a double standard. And I just can’t I’m done with it. I don’t know how to separate that.

Kristen Carder 21:22
Okay, so I just want you to hear yourself. What I’m hearing from you is, I actually do know what I want. The way that you presented initially was, I don’t know, I don’t know what I want. But I like to anticipate that it’s right. And I just want you to come back to, I know what I want. I don’t know how to go about doing it. And that’s what your therapist is going to help you with. But I want you to really be grounded in your own authority of like, I know exactly what I want. Sometimes what we want is super uncomfortable, y’all.

Coaching 2 22:07
Yes, I don’t. How do I tell my mom, I don’t want to talk to her because of this.

Kristen Carder 22:11
Oh my gosh,

Coaching 2 22:12
I don’t even remember that if I tell her that she’s not gonna want to hear it. So she’s gonna go on defense and blah, blah, blah, economic. It’s like, the conversation in our head.

Kristen Carder 22:22
Totally. And this is why like, I’m so so thrilled that you are being supported by a therapist, because really, that’s their area of expertise. Yeah, and if it’s not find a new one, right? Like if you join and they’re just like, oh, no, then like,

Coaching 2 22:38
no. And she just like you had talked about boundaries, shoot with her. She’s like, with my mother in law, I go in, I get an hour, she gets three, three strikes, after three strikes. If she says the middle neck, she’s out. I’m like, that’s your mother in law? Like, how do I do that? With my mom. I don’t you know, like, there’s a way to do it, but I just gotta find it.

Kristen Carder 22:55
I really think that

we have so

much programming,

where it’s like,

with our parents, especially, we can’t set any sort of boundaries. Especially, I mean, if they’re aging parents, then there’s this whole other right thing.

Coaching 2 23:21
70 Yeah.

Kristen Carder 23:24
I just want you to know that you do know what you want. Okay, so when you go to therapy today, I want the conversation to start with, I know what I want. I don’t know how to do it. So I need your help. But I know what I want. And then I want you to apply that to your husband.

Coaching 2 23:46
And that’s it’s like I’m legit pinching my husband, and I’m picturing my parents and it’s like the same thing.

Kristen Carder 23:53
It’s part of the going to be the same skill set. Yeah, it is. So you’re going to be able to apply what you learn with your parents to your husband. Now you probably actually I don’t know. But you might not want to, like, cut him off. Right? But like, how can we learn to set boundaries in a way where we let people have their drama, and we still honor our own boundaries. It’s, this is the toughest work. Honestly, it’s like, I think the hardest work of our lives is number one, accepting ourselves and our ADHD. And then number two, setting up healthy relationships in our lives. And how many of us kind of like wake up to like, Whoa, how am I in all of these unhealthy relationships? Right? We just never realized it. And then when you start doing the work, and you kind of wake up, you’re just like, oh, we need like an overhaul. And

Coaching 2 24:47
that’s exactly what it is. Like I’m finding I’m like, you don’t get to talk to me that way anymore. I’m done. Like because this and this happened. And you’re pissed because there’s a mess on the floor because the dog you don’t get to yell at me. You don’t get to yell at the kids. because it’s a mess. It’s not the end of the frickin world. Yep.

Kristen Carder 25:02
So good. You know what you want? I know. So catch yourself, your brain will probably offer up like, I don’t know, and just catch it

Coaching 2 25:12
all the time. I always don’t myself is to doubt it’s the Yep. Okay. So I think,

Kristen Carder 25:16
for you, especially, and I don’t know if you guys can relate to this. I think the doubt is a heady thing. But if you can pull yourself into your body, there’s a deep knowing. And so when you are experiencing that doubt, and and those thoughts looping, I want you to practice pulling yourself into your body. Just slow down, things slow down and like, like, deep grounding into, like, is it true that I don’t know what I want and just sit in it? You took like four seconds of grounding yourself in your body. And you’re like, Yeah, I know what I want. Yeah, give yourself for a second. Okay, it’s not hard. It’s not. It doesn’t take long. But the it’s a practice. It’s a bringing, it’s a redirection from like to like. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Awesome. Have a great therapy session. Thank you. You’re welcome.

Hi, hello. I

Coaching 3 26:22
already know that I’m gonna like break down. But of course, that’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m in this space. Welcome. Of course, I wanted to say kept coming to my brain that I wasn’t going to come on the call today. And then I was like, No, coming on the call tonight, whatever. And I’m gonna put my hand up, and I’m gonna be coached. It’s my birthday. So I was like, today, I am doing this from this is my gift to myself. But before we even go any further than that, already. Thank you, everybody for being so vulnerable, because it just gives everybody else.

There’s such powerful work that

Kristen Carder 27:00
I don’t know. Anyway. So it’s so beautiful, isn’t it? Like, the vulnerability of allowing people in to what you’re experiencing? So that first of all, we can all share that burden. And then second, we can learn from each other. There’s so much to learn.

Coaching 3 27:18
It’s I’m sitting here like, like taking it in and like feeling it in my body like it’s you anyway. So it’s just tumultuous? Isn’t everybody tumultuous? But I’m coming off of having a really bad flu at the same time as so there. And then I have a chronic condition that flares up. So I’m on prednisone, which No wonder I’m a little emotional today. And my 25 year old is moving out for his into his, like, permanent move out, which is wonderful. But at the same time, very, you know, transitional for me. And my 22 year old and my husband had a big fight last week and he left he safe, everybody’s fine. It’s actually there’s a big silver lining, but at the same time, there’s all that stuff. So there’s just it’s a huge additional space and


also gifting myself of starting therapy again this week. So Congratulation. Thank you. I think I just I’m also gifting myself the acknowledgement that I need. Yes, you need to actually start really digging into those workbooks that you have access to. And self concept is the one you need to start with.

Kristen Carder 28:44
You know, I’m just saying like, the facts I just want to recognize like the fact that you’ve been in focus for two and a half years and you’re like okay, now I’m ready.

I love that. Now I’m ready.

Coaching 3 28:58
I think part of it though, is kind of like it’s not like rock bottom because I’m not at rock bottom. I know that not at all but it’s kind of like like Do or die like do it like

this so I think I

don’t even know I don’t even know what I want coating on I won’t go just got all the things but as

Kristen Carder 29:22
Okay, tell me tell me what you want. I think that’s the question of the day

Hop in to that body.

Your brain spin but hop into your body? We think

Coaching 3 29:41
oh my god, this is like making me emotional and who would have thought this made me emotional. I think I want


be okay with

letting go of doing everything for everybody else, making sure they’re all taken care of. And

Kristen Carder 30:13
that it’s my turn to be okay with that.

Coaching 3 30:21
Like, I can practically see it and I can acknowledge it and like, yeah, I can do like the actions and I can go out there and start doing the things and even feel good about it. But I think there’s an I get it there is it? There’s an emotional transitional, there’s a normal emotional transitional time. Stay at home homeschool mom. Every my identity was like succeeding with my kids. And then there’s the therapy that’s going to come from all the things I didn’t do, but that’s a shake. Yeah, I think I need to

Kristen Carder 31:01
let myself be okay with putting myself first. That seems so simple yet. It’s not.

I really don’t think that’s simple. It

Coaching 3 31:13
all sounds simple. Like I just okay, I have the tie downs.

Kristen Carder 31:17
Instagrammable. Yeah. It sounds like a great little like Instagram. Yeah, I mean, I’m for me now. Yeah, right. Exactly. It sounds like a cute real. On Instagram. It doesn’t sound actually simple. put into practice. Tell me what it means to be okay with it. What do you mean when you say I want to do it, but I don’t just want to do it. I want to be okay with that. What does that mean?

Coaching 3 31:57
That I can listen to my gut. Well, my gut says

you’re allowed to do this. Yeah. And then I don’t have to be trying to

once I do this, then I can do for myself. Once I finally do the thing that everyone is always is this. Like everything is so freakin multifaceted. But

Kristen Carder 32:31
yeah, yeah, yep. Yep. Yeah.

Coaching 3 32:36
It’s almost like ignoring the

not ignoring. That’s not

the right term, not absorbing so deeply the demands and complaints from outside myself. So there’s responsibilities that I have, and I’m willing to, to other people, for sure how, to my husband, to my family, whatever, that that’s fine, but, but I feel like, I think I’m realizing that that without me knowing without my understanding, that’s been like, the thing that I’ve always like, once I do that, then I can,

for myself, use

Kristen Carder 33:29
an awesome word. She used the word prerequisite. That’s a good one. I think that’s a good word. Like, like, Yeah, I’m willing to put myself first but I have these prerequisites I need to meet.

Yeah, I can do that.

Coaching 3 33:49
Yeah, so many ways, so many ways. And then, you know, I, like diagnose ADHD and then making sense that like, I’ve been doing this my whole life. So again, a lot of stuff to walk through for the shift, I get it. But I think one of the first things is allowing myself yeah.

Kristen Carder 34:12
So I think that I’m not an an affirmation person. You guys know this about me? Like, I’m not like, let’s create affirmations. I’m not a lot. But I do think for you. pulling some truths that you want to keep at the forefront of your mind would be really helpful such as there are no prerequisites to self care. Or there are no prerequisites to my own self development. I don’t have to meet you know, XYZ check off XYZ before I start

Taking care of myself, or

honoring what I want. I know that we’re holding multiple truths right now. Because I know that you’re not like, Screw you, family, I’m done with you, like, I’m gonna take care of me. Like, I know, that’s not what you’re saying. I know you still want to, like, love your people and serve your people. I know that. But you made a very good point when you said you’re absorbing expectations. And so I think your work, especially with your therapist is creating some emotional distance.

Once you all to repeat that,

to yourselves, create emotional distance, so many of us, especially because we’re parented by immature parents, most of us there’s no emotional distance, there’s only emotional investment.

Oh, wow. Like this is like,

Coaching 3 36:00
yeah, these are exact. And when you said that, like absorbing expectations, I was like, I said that that’s like, perfect. Like, how did I? How did I know what to say?

Kristen Carder 36:09
Because you know, you know, you already know. And this is why like grounding yourself, for all of you listening. This is why grounding yourself in what do I want? You know, you already know you have the answer. Creating emotional distance does not mean that you don’t love people well, does not mean that you don’t sacrifice for people, sometimes, it does not mean that you are a jerk. Or that you’re selfish, it means that you understand the separation between that person and you. You’re not the same. Their desires are not your desires, their wants are not your wants. And when you’re in relationship with grown ass adults, they get to learn to take care of their own desires. And once it’s, it’s a weird thing, right? Because I’m like, with Greg, like, I want him to come to me with things that he needs. I want him to share with me when he’s hurting. I want I want that. But also, I trust him to be a grown man, and to take care of the things that he needs to take care of. And I’m going to share it with you. Yeah, yeah. I’m going to be a meshed all day long and, and overly worried about his stuff. Oh, my gosh, you just said that. Yes, detaching with love. That’s exactly right, that went down to its emotional distance, that actually creates more intimacy.

Coaching 3 37:56
It’s kind of like that cut. Well,

like you said, in my mind about, like, you know, you talk about moms and moms, like, oh, you should fill make sure you fill your cup first or whatever. That’s both. Sorry. It lets you are like, so emotionally healthy. Right. And I like to see that very emotionally healthy mother, in our society right now.

Kristen Carder 38:20
So I think that it’s more like take a swig on the side whenever you can get to it. You know what I mean? Unless you can get up at 4am, which I cannot. Well, I choose not to, but also I can’t. So what I do to fill myself is I take opportunities and and there are some non negotiables I am going to be coached, I am going to be in therapy. So that is a non negotiable. So if if my kid has an appointment at the same time as my therapy, I don’t cancel my therapy to figure out a way to make his appointment work.

Does that make sense?

Coaching 3 39:02
It absolutely does. It’s so funny because you just say the word non negotiable. Like the vocabulary I use is so important to me. It’s an I’ve realized that it stopped like, I’ve like started to, like, acknowledge that that’s a truth and it you were saying about how

you know, like,

self affirmations, or whatever affirmations or whatever. And I think I tried that. We all have, I am big on and I found mostly through this program is just to have the reminders. They’re not affirmations. They’re exactly like mini mantras.

Kristen Carder 39:49
Yes. Oh, yeah. I forgot that I wanted to be creating emotional distance. Yeah, because our ADHD brains it’s so out of sight out of mind, right so we can set intentions then we can be like, Yes, I really want to become more emotionally healthy. And I really want to. I really want to create some emotional distance. And I want to detach with love in order to create more intimacy. But we forget, we really do.

Coaching 3 40:16
Yeah, it’s Yeah. So like, can you read what it is over there? But I have like one of my chris Christie, I have your card, you sent out a c minus or B minus work or whatever. here and it’s funny, I don’t see it every day. I don’t see it every day. Right? Some days? Oh, oh, yeah. And like, like being so like, I’m writing all these down. And some of these I’m gonna make, like I’m gonna have.

Kristen Carder 40:44
So good. I think the boundaries work as we get into it next month is going to be really, really helpful for you. And I do just want to

say that, like,

as we make this shift, it’s worked for us. It’s worked for our partners and our families, like, everybody feels the tension of like, Wait, it’s changing, like what’s happening. And that’s okay, we can be loving, and we can be compassionate. And we can still hold firm and like, Yeah, this is happening.

Coaching 3 41:21
That is brought up, that makes a lot of sense. And it also just brought up a

thought of it’s like, positive and

negative. I said, Well, 1550, where but yeah, but we’re like, I think I felt like I’ve been the not head. The leader of the household, like the household follows my example. And therefore I’ve, and so that boundaries work, it just made me think like, I’ll do it and set an example. And then they get to follow or not. That makes sense, what I’m trying to say, and

Kristen Carder 42:00
what am I so beautiful is that you have adult children, they will be so happy to have their own autonomy. So a big part of boundaries work is seeing another human as their own person, and allowing them to be their own person. And as you are doing this work, you’re going to just honor your adult children in such a more meaningful and beautiful way. Because you will see them differently, you’ll begin to view them different, you’ll begin to view them as like, I love you, and I’m here for you. And also your grownups present even know what you want, it’s totally fine. And you’ll set those boundaries for you. But you’re also interact with people in a much safer way. My prediction is that it’s going to be hard. And then your relationship is going to really be beautiful with your adult children.

Coaching 3 42:58
And I think it might improve my relationship with my husband too.

Kristen Carder 43:00
Totally. Oh, another conversation. I adore you. I also want to say that I remember our first conversation years ago, and I don’t feel like I’m talking to the same person in a lot of ways.

Coaching 3 43:14
Thanks, that was talking to

Kristen Carder 43:17
someone with so much clarity.

Coaching 3 43:21
That was about a boundary to with my son, who’s a EMT and figuring out code.

Kristen Carder 43:27
I remember. I remember that very clearly. When you said it was about COVID It all clicked. So I’m just want to say that you are I experienced you as being so open, which I didn’t the first time around really clear and able to observe your own thinking.

It’s beautiful. Thank you.

Coaching 3 43:56
It’s a lot of it is those things of like, even though I haven’t had one on one coaching, and I haven’t done hardly any of the workbooks. Okay. Over the last two years that definitely like comes like comes up and day to day stuff where I’m like, No, that’s okay. Or no, the biggest thing is like, allow for other people to be human allow for their humanity. Allow them to have their human moment. Whatever this

Kristen Carder 44:21
is not what yeah, anyway.

Coaching 3 44:24
So thank you for all this work that you do and yeah, anyway, my privilege.

Kristen Carder 44:30
All right, dear. adore you. Happy birthday.

Thank you. You’re welcome.

Okay, y’all, I wish we had more time. This was beautiful. I am so in awe of you doing this work. It is absolutely. Just a beautiful thing to witness. Not everyone. A few years ago I went looking for help I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with, couldn’t find anything. So I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. And then I created focused for you. Focus is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program and I’m confident that you will to go to Ihaveadhd.com/focus for all details

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