Kristen Carder - ADHD Expert

I HAVE ADHD PODCAST - Episode #286

October 22, 2024

How Adults With ADHD Can Achieve Long-term Goals

I’ve got a solo show for you today and you know what that means – buckle up because it’s a rollercoaster of ADHD madness!

In this episode, I explore how ADHD impacts long-term goal setting due to prioritization issues and working memory deficits. I share personal strategies that have worked for me, such as creating urgency and seeking external motivation. A recent change in Apple’s download metrics inspired me to explore new avenues for my own long-term goals like YouTube and in-person episodes.

Then we answer some of your call-in questions, I share some resources with you, and of course, we wrap it up with what triggered me this week.

If you have ADHD or you think you might, join me for this action-packed show. And if you want my help with your ADHD, join FOCUSED!

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Kristen Carder
Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll it’s so good to be here with you today.

You’re in for a ride to solo show, which means we are taking a ride the roller coaster that is a solo show with an ADHD or that’s what you’re in for today. You know, I used to record solo shows in the privacy of my own office, all by myself or my dining room or my son’s closet, if you remember those days. But I was always, like, actually alone, like legit solo. It truly was a solo show. But now look around. I’m in a gorgeous recording studio. I’m posting to YouTube, which we’re going to talk a lot about today. So I’m recording solo shows, but they’re not actually solo, and I’m just going to call out the people in the room.

I have Dan, my producer. I’ve got Cody, the videographer here. There are manning cameras that are watching me. It is not it does not feel normal. I mean, on one hand, it’s reassuring, because Cody’s like, Hey, your face is shining. Let me take care of that for you. So like, that feels really, really good. Let’s make sure your hair is smooth. That feels great. They laugh at my mistakes when I’m absolutely ridiculous, and I get a thumbs up every once in a while when I’m doing a good job. So that feels good, but to have people watching me while I’m sitting here being vulnerable, sharing my heart and talking to 1000s of people, but also just to, like a camera, it’s just like different and uncomfortable and wild, and it’s just a brand new thing.

So I just, you know, I brought you along in my process, in, in all of the different transitions over the last five, five and a half years, and now this is just like a new version, and I’m bringing you along. And let me just tell you, I’m sweating. I’m like, sitting here sweating because it’s so uncomfortable and it’s so different, but I really am so full of purpose, and I feel like it’s absolutely the right next step. And like audio only, listeners, I’m always here to reassure you that, like nothing will change for you. But as we’re going to talk about in a little while, like long term goals, this is a huge step along the pathway of my long term goals. So I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it, but I do think it’s the right next step.

And so today we’re going to talk about long term goals. We’re going to talk about how to set your long term goals on fire. But before we do if you are listening right now, that’s you, the listener. You’re here with me. Would you do me the biggest favor ever and like this show, subscribe, hit the rating button, share it on YouTube, whatever platform you’re listening on. Would you let me know you’re listening? Would you hit that rating button? Would you hit that subscribe button? Would you hit that share button? Whatever it is, if you’re listening on YouTube, leave a comment, I will personally respond to you. So regardless if you’re listening on Apple or Spotify or YouTube or whatever, give me that shot a dope me. I would so appreciate it. And not only does it help me, but it helps other adults with ADHD find this important content. You know what it’s like to feel alone? You know what it’s like to feel like to feel like you’re the only one? You know what it’s like to be like, gosh, does anyone else think like me? Does anyone else act like me? Am I the only one out there? And when you hit that rating button, hit that like button, hit that share button, what it does is it shows the community that they’re not alone. So would you do that for me? I would so appreciate it. Okay, we’re gonna talk about how to set your long term goals on fire so that you care about them.

Now, every person with ADHD knows what it’s like to have a long term goal that would be really great to get done someday, but it feels like everything else in your life is on fire. It feels like everything else in your life is important. It feels like everything else just keeps coming up and you never actually get to the long term goal. You actually never get to do the thing. And so we’re going to talk about how to make those long term far off. So would be nice someday, goals important now, so that you can get them done. So I’m going to give an example for myself. I’m going to give an example from a client that I coached yesterday in my focused ADHD coaching program, and we’re just going to talk about how this might apply to your life. So I’ve been podcasting Since 2019 actually, I dropped my first episode in December of 2018 and I just kind of threw it out there into the world. And half of me hoped no one ever heard it, because I was like, so, so scared that people would actually listen to it. And then the other half of me was like, I think this actually might be able to help people. I think that I have something to say that matters. And so I was of two minds, which I think a lot of us are, when we have these goals. And amazingly, I’ve had a lot of success with this podcast.

As far as I know, the I have ADHD podcast is the highest rated, most downloaded ADHD podcast out there. We’re talking audio, iTunes, Spotify, etc. So it’s pretty cool. I’m really proud of that. But for years I’ve been wanting to post on YouTube. I’ve been wanting to do it. I’ve been wanting to do it, and it’s been like, this would be great to do. Some day, this is probably a good next step in the business. Some day, it wouldn’t change anything that I’m doing with my audio. Only it, but it would maybe give me the opportunity to grow a whole new audience on YouTube, which is awesome. There are people out there and and that might be you who like, prefer to watch podcasts instead of listen to them. I’m guessing you’re like, younger than me, and you have less wrinkles than me, and that’s great. I’m so happy for you, but if you like to watch your podcast, then there’s, there’s a space for you now. But I just knew that it would be a great thing someday, but a long term goal is really hard to accomplish, because it’s like, it’s not urgent right now. It’s just not urgent, and everything else in my life is on fire, and so I’m trying to put out the other fires in my business. I’m trying to put out the other fires in my family life, in my personal life, everything else seems like it’s on fire, but this goal isn’t it’s just like it would be nice someday. So it’s hard for especially, I think it’s hard for everybody, but it’s hard for those of us with ADHD to accomplish long term goals. Let’s talk about two specific symptoms of ADHD that make it particularly hard. The first one being prioritization.

This is, I think, is the most important and most relevant symptom of ADHD, we struggle to prioritize, and so it’s very relevant to us when we have a long term goal. It’s super hard for our brain to prioritize a long term goal when literally other things in our lives are on fire. So it’s like, listen, the bills have to get paid today, the dishes have to get done today. Your kids are screaming and crying today. Your work project is due today, and that long term goal is like, it would be nice someday, but it’s not urgent. It’s not on fire, and so it’s really hard to prioritize something that’s not on fire when the rest of your life is the other symptom of ADHD that makes it really hard for us to accomplish long term goals is working memory. Now I’ve talked about it a million times on the podcast, but working memory is that skill where you have a bulletin board in your brain and you pin the thing, the task that you want to do, onto that bulletin board long enough to accomplish the task. Well, the thing with a long term goal is that it requires a crap ton of working memory, because every day you have to remember that you have this long term goal, that it matters to you.

And how many of you have goals that you’re like, Oh yeah, I forgot I wanted to do that. I forgot that was important to me. I keep forgetting that this is something that I want to do. I think this is a really common experience for those of us with ADHD, because the things that are happening right now, the things that are right in front of our nose, those are the things that pull for our attention, and then the long term goals get pushed to the side, because they’re just not on fire. So if everything in your day to day life feels like it’s on fire, which I think for many of you do, it’s like you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to put out fires wherever you go, you’re never actually going to be able to accomplish your long term goals, because they won’t feel urgent enough. They’ll be nice to get done someday, but they’re not going to be urgent enough to accomplish right now. So we have to learn how to set our long term goals on fire. Sometimes we have to do that ourselves. Sometimes the universe does it for us. So with this podcast and and making the step to go to YouTube, the universe did that for me. So for me, it was the iOS 17. Update, I’m going to give you some nerdy info. Are you ready for it?

So in January ish of this year, Apple started calculating podcast downloads differently, more accurately, actually. And what it looked like in the stats is that the I have ADHD podcast monthly download numbers went down by a lot. That’s what it looked like in the stats. Now nothing was actually changing. This was just like a more accurate representation of people actually listening to the podcast, rather than people who aren’t really listening, but it’s just automatically downloading to their phones. But when you look at the stats and and you see that it’s going down by a lot. All of the sudden, I was just like, oh, mg, we need to make a change. We need to do something different. We need to hop over to YouTube ASAP. And so a goal that was like, Oh, this would be nice to do someday. All of a sudden, felt super urgent, and I didn’t really do anything to make that become urgent. It was like this, iOS 17 update, which like, why do things have to update? Let me just take a neuro divergent pause and say, Could we just leave things the same? Why do we always have to update? Whenever my phone is like, you’re gonna get an update. I’m like, no, please don’t make me relearn my own phone, my own life. Please stop updating everything. Okay? Neurodivergent. Pause complete.

So all of the sudden it felt urgent to me, like, Oh my gosh. We got to do this. And so once my long term goal where, for two years I’m like, we should do this. We should make this happen. Once it was on fire, my brain was like, let’s go and so we took action immediately. So within a couple of weeks, I was touring podcast studios and investing time and money and committing to drive to Philly once a week to record in front of people instead of recording in the comfort of my own office by myself looking like a troll. So even though it was painful to have that iOS 17 update, it definitely set my goal on fire. It was really helpful to me. That’s great. Sometimes the universe takes care of it for you.

But what do you do when you have a long term goal and no fire insight. How do you set your own goals on fire? So yesterday, I coached a client. Her name is Natalie, and she she was the most like articulate, wonderful client ever. And as I was coaching her, I was in awe of just how smart and grounded she was, and she was explaining to me that she’s successful and she has a great job, and she loves to write. She wants to do more writing on the side, so her long term goal is maybe write a book, write some essays. She feels really grounded when she writes. She knows she’s a good writer, and so she wants to commit more time to this long term goal of doing more writing. How many of you can relate, like, what’s your long term goal? Think about it right now. What is that thing that you’re like, Ah, man, I have this, like, side project that I would love to invest time and energy into.

But here’s the thing, she has 12 year old twins, 12 year old twins. And she was telling me how she lives in New York City and she’s having to apply to public school, which I do not understand, but she’s having to apply to public schools for her kiddos, and it’s almost like applying to college, and she’s got two of them, and so like, her life is on fire. There are so many fires in her life. And so, of course, the goal of writing more often is getting pushed off. And so this is so many of us, right, so many of you listening.

So I want to share with you what I shared with her, and literally, what I said to her, is everything in your life is on fire right now, and that makes sense. You’re a mom, you have a job like your life is difficult, but you have to figure out how to set your long term goal on fire. You have to figure out how to make it urgent, not just to pretend deadline because ADHD or you know that your brain and body rejects pretend deadlines. It’s like, Yeah, I know this isn’t a real deadline. So you creating a deadline for yourself and being like, this is my deadline. You know that doesn’t really work. Like, I mean, if it does work for you, amazing. I’m jealous. But like, in general, that doesn’t usually work for those of us with ADHD, so what I encouraged for her specifically was to hire someone like a writing coach who would help her to set goals and then hold her accountable.

But I made a very clear distinction. This is not like, hey, ask your husband to hold you accountable, because at the end of the day. Right? Like, you don’t really care that much. If you break a goal with your husband, you don’t really care that much. If you say to your husband, hey, I’m gonna, like, submit this essay to you, and then you don’t like, it’s fine, but what if it’s someone that you don’t know? What if it’s someone that you really respect? What if it’s someone that you really want to impress. In that case, you’re absolutely going to feel the pressure to deliver what you said you’re going to deliver. I’m doing this with my own book. I’m in the process of writing a book right now, which is actually a very generous term, because I have not touched it in like six weeks, but it’s there. I need to go back to it. I know it’s important, and it is one of those long term goals that is just not always on fire. And so I know that if I want to make sure that I do some writing, I have to set a meeting with my book agent. I just know that I have to set a meeting with my agent and say, Hey, let’s set a meeting for next week. By that time, I’m going to get X, Y, Z to you. In that case, I will absolutely deliver what I say. I’m going to deliver because I want her to like me. I want to impress her. I want to make sure that I’m not wasting her time. And so it’s a hack that I use for myself.

You might be thinking, but I should. I should, first of all, let me stop you there No, but maybe you’re thinking, I should be able to do it on my own. I shouldn’t have to need the extra accountability. And you know my answer to this, if you have ADHD, you should need the additional accountability. If you have ADHD, there is no such thing as not needing the additional accountability. You do need it, and so adding in that deadline, where you’re probably going to scramble at the last minute, but at least you’re going to do the writing. So when I set up a meeting with my literary agent, or sometimes I set up a meeting with my research assistant, who’s a PhD graduate from the University of Pennsylvania. She’s a boss. Like to set up a meeting with her and be like, Hey, I’m going to get this to you. Let’s talk about it. I’m going to deliver on that.

And so my question to you is, if the universe does not set your long term goal on fire, how can you do it for you. How can you set up accountability? How can you set up deadlines, real deadlines, not pretend ones. How can you make it so that you are creating urgency with that long term goal, so that it stays in your head, so that you’re remembering it, because don’t forget. Working memory is one of your deficient skills, so that you’re prioritizing it, because don’t forget. Prioritization is one of your deficient skills. Setting up that external scaffolding is what is going to help you move that long term goal a little bit forward and a little bit forward and a little bit forward.

All right, let’s transition to the resource of the week. Now, a couple weeks ago, I told you about the brick, and I got it, and I brought it here with me today to show it to you, I wanted to give you an update. Actually, really like it, like 100% I think it’s a great little I don’t know, device, trinket. It truly is just like, I don’t know how to describe it other than a brick. It truly is. It’s got a magnet on the back. I just stick it on my fridge. Once you download the app, you can set different types of profiles for like when you’re at work or when you’re at school or when you’re maybe working out or on a hike, and you can block certain apps for different profiles. And what’s so cool about it, it just lives wherever you put it again. It’s magnetic, so I would recommend putting it somewhere where it’s just gonna stay. And then you tap it, and it’s kind of like Apple Pay you just like, click your phone to it, and it sets it up for you. It’s so simple. Highly recommend. I have a code for you, just for fun, just because we reached out to them, and we’re like, Hey, we’re going to mention this on the podcast. Do you want to give our listeners a discount so I don’t get anything for it, but if you want to use the code IhaveADHD, you’ll get 10% off. So I love it. The update is, it’s a go. Highly recommend moving on

The resource for this week is a book that I am in the process of reading. I love it. It is Tamara rozier’s new book. You Me and our ADHD family. I just met with Tamara last week. She’s actually going to be flying in in a couple weeks to do a VIP event for my focus membership. And I just got to say to her, like, I love the book. I can’t wait to talk to her about it. We are going to be recording an in person interview, so you’ll get to hear from her directly about this book. But it’s all about family relationships. It’s all. About understanding ADHD within the context of your family. It’s brand new. I think it came out in September. Tamara is the author of your brain’s not broken, which, hello. That’s an amazing book. If you haven’t read that, get that one too. It’s the tagline here for you, me and our ADHD family is practical steps to cultivate healthy relationships. Absolutely adore. Highly recommend. You can get it on Amazon or wherever. There’s also an audio version, of course.

And you know, relationships are my special interests. There’s something that I think affect all of us. Many of us feel like our relationships are a dumpster fire, especially our family relationships. And so if that’s you, I think this book is going to be so helpful to you. And the way that Tamara writes is just so like, endearing, and you just like, get her in the book. It’s not super clinical, although she could write in that way, but it’s very warm, and I just so appreciate her take. She’s also just as a human being, like very forthcoming, very real, what you see is what you get. And so I really trust that. You know, we don’t always get that with a professional in the field, and with her, she’s just so authentic, and it really comes through in her writing. So again, the book is called, you me and our ADHD family. I love it. Highly recommend. Everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable time, and you wake up early, make a list, cross the things off the list in order. Yeah, we know what to do, but ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That’s why I created focused. I’m a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019 I’ve spent 1000s of hours coaching adults with ADHD. Time for me to focus on you. Hello. Welcome to your coaching call. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from Hot Mess express to grounded and thriving. I’ll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and accept yourself, flaws and all with this foundation, we build the skills to improve life with ADHD. And not only do you get skills and tools in focus, but you’re surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you.

Dr Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you’re an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused. Go to I have adhd.com/focus to learn more. That’s, I have adhd.com/focused Okay, next up, we’re going to take some Colin’s. We have two people calling in today. We’re first going to hear from Bill. He’s from Philly. So first of all, shout out. Shout out, Philadelphia, let’s hear from Bill.

Bill
Hey, this is Bill from silly. You know, this isn’t a very interesting question, but it continues to be like main thing, or one of the main things I really struggle with. I have a super busy job right now, and generally I get to work at around 10, because I generally go to sleep late later and get up later. Problem is that I actually am also kind of the most alert in terms of like answering emails and writing things for work and all of that in the morning. So I do I feel like I missed good productivity time by not getting there until 10. And I just am having such a hard time consistently, persistently getting up early, earlier. My goal is to get up really not that early, but like 730 so I can be at work by nine and still have some time in the morning for myself, and I just can’t seem to get my body to do this, my mind and my body to do this. I know that if I got to sleep around 11. 30, I could get up at 730 that would be enough sleep. But then, you know, I wrestle with maybe I should just allow my body to do what it wants to do, which is why I have been kind of sleeping a little bit later till eight or 830 and that not getting to work until 10. So yeah,

Kristen Carder
I love the way you ended that bill. So yeah, like I feel that, I totally feel that. I think all of us feel that, like it’s clear that you’re torn it’s clear that you’re of two minds. It’s clear that you’re not really sure what the right or the best decision is here. And I get it. I think a lot of us struggle with this. Like, is it better for me to, like, do the excruciating work of trying to get to bed on time and or on like, whatever that means for us. Like, for you, you said 1111, 30. So is it more advantageous to do that excruciating work, and it’s gonna be excruciating, it’s hard to get yourself to bed at a reasonable time. Is it better to do that and get up at 730 or is it better to just like, let my body do what my body wants to do? Like, I totally, I totally get that. What’s important here, and I certainly can’t make this decision for you, but what’s important here is that you are weighing the outcomes. That’s really what you have to do. You have to weigh the outcomes. Which is more beneficial? Is it more beneficial to just like, drop the drama around bedtime and around waking up and just like, get into work by 10? And yeah, you’re gonna have to, like, bust your butt all day long to get your work done, but at least you’ve got, like, your evening and your morning in a way that feels good to you. That’s one option. Or is it better for you to do the work of getting to bed at a reasonable time, getting up at 730 and having that, like, amazing productivity time in the morning where you’re, like, really able to bang things out quickly at work, it sounds like right now, you’re just not sure which one is best. And for everyone listening when you’re vacillating between a decision like this, it really is just important that you sit with yourself and make an executive decision. No one can make this decision for you. I can just reflect to you what I think is happening, but I can’t make the decision for you. I don’t, I don’t know what’s best? I don’t I don’t know, like, on one hand, yeah, just like, go to bed when you want, wake up when you want, and bust your butt while you’re at work. I guess my question is, do you like that? Is it working for you? Are you able to get your work done when you’re at work? Is it, is it moving you forward in your career the way you want it to. So those are some questions that you can answer, or do you want to do the work of figuring out how to get your ADHD ass to bed on time, which is literally the title of one of my episodes from a couple years ago, like figuring out how to get your butt to bed at a reasonable time, whatever that means for you. That’s not easy. And I think acknowledging that it’s not easy is really important, because you’re not deciding between good and bad, you’re not deciding between right and wrong, you’re deciding between hard and hard, like it’s going to be hard at work if I let myself sleep in until 830 but it’s going to be hard at home if I try to go to bed at 11. So this is why this decision feels terrible, is because it kind of is terrible. You’re deciding between hard and hard. What I want you to think about are the outcomes. Like, what is the outcome that you want the most. What is What do you feel like is gonna move you forward the most? And then once you decide that I would just drop the drama. So we talk about this a lot around here, we carry a lot of drama. And so either you’re gonna have to drop the drama about getting to work at 10, and you’re just gonna have to bust your butt and get your stuff done, or you’re gonna have to drop the drama about getting to bed by 1111, 30. Either way, there’s drama. And this is why being a human is hard. This is why decisions are hard. Is because if it was just choosing between good and bad, right and wrong. It would be super easy, but it’s actually choosing between hard and hard. So I just want to validate you bill that absolutely everyone listening to this is like, Yup, I get that. I understand. I’ve been there. I struggle with the same thing. So you’re. Definitely not alone, and it makes sense that you’re kind of going back and forth. And one thing you might consider is playing with it for a month and saying, for a month, I’m going to get to work by nine, and I’m going to start to kind of keep a record of whether or not this actually is amazing. Is it just a fantasy that getting to work by nine consistently or persistently? As you said, which I appreciated? Is it just a fantasy that it’s like the best thing, or is it actually the best thing? So just do it for a short amount of time and track it, see what it’s like. So it’s hard for you to decide, because it’s not an easy decision. It’s just really hard, and I’m sorry. I wish I could make it easy. I wish I could be like, Oh yeah, there’s just, like, three simple steps that you need to follow, and all of this is going to be solved. But I do want you to know that, like, we are with you. We are you. We are struggling with the same thing. So thanks so much for calling, Bill, I so appreciate it. If you’d like me to answer your question on this podcast, all you have to do is call 833-281-2343, leave a message, and I would love to hear from you. Okay, let’s go to Alex next. Alex is calling from Delaware. Let’s see what she has to say.

Alex
Hi Kristen. My name is Alex. I live in Delaware, and I have ADHD. So I am calling because I have a question with regard to masking. I just recently listened to your episode a few weeks back about masking, and I am feeling kind of stuck in this situation, and I don’t really know what to do. I so I in addition to having ADHD as well as a comorbidity of bipolar two disorder, I I am also an educator. I am also a coach. I have just finished my masters, which almost killed me, to be perfectly honest. And I grew up in a very high achieving environment, and my mission is to go back into some of these environments and help kids that were just like me, or you know, or who are going through their own like learning challenge or ADHD diagnosis journey, and try and give them some love and some support and help them figure out, you know how they learn and how they can you know how they can excel in a high achieving academic environment. And what I’m finding is that I don’t fit in. I don’t fit in at all, and I don’t know what to do. I love my job, I love my career, and I love my kids, but I never felt like I belong in a new piece environment and makes, um, excuse me, it makes um, interacting with my co workers extremely challenging, because the way that I present is is probably perceived, not probably, I know it’s perceived as being very immature. And I don’t want to self isolate, and I don’t want to just turn my business and my my passion for education and helping kids I don’t I don’t want to close myself off, and really, I guess, also close off my business and all the opportunities that come along with it, but it is so draining, and it is so hard to be in these environments where I know people are judging me essentially, and I also don’t know how to coach My clients and coach my kids on, you know, on these topics, because a lot of my kids feel the same thing, coming from their teachers and coming from their peers, and I don’t have any solid advice for them. And asking is exhausting. It’s exhausting. It’s probably the hardest part of what I do. I’m good at what I do, and I’m passionate about what I do. It’s just, I guess how I do it, that people have a hard time digesting any advice you could give on this. You know, you know, have being a high achiever and a high achieving environment, and having ADHD, and also being able to show up as your authentic self for you and for your kids, I would greatly appreciate any insight you have. So thanks so much. Bye,

Kristen Carder
Alex. I wish I could hug you in real life like right now. I could just hear the pain in your voice, and I’m just sending you so much love and solidarity and compassion. I just I hear just the the brokenness that you’re carrying, and I think so many of our listeners are going to relate to this. So I just really appreciate your vulnerability and you bringing this. Um. Welcome to the podcast today. So here’s a couple things that I want to say. I think that you are articulating an experience that a lot of people with ADHD have, and so I want to thank you for that, because a lot of times we need someone else to put words so that we can understand our own experience, and I think that you’re probably doing that for a lot of people today. And I just want to say that I really appreciate that. You know, you’ve done so much work and you have achieved so much, you have a master’s in some sort of academia. And what I want to say is that it’s time to get a masters, so to speak, in understanding yourself, in connecting to yourself, in belonging to yourself, you’ve done the professional academic work, which is a huge accomplishment, but what you are noticing is that that’s not enough for you to thrive in those high achieving environments. And so what I think is happening right now is you’re being invited into a self exploration journey, and I just want to reflect that to you. I just want to give you language for what I think is happening is that you’re being invited into, like, a really deep self exploration journey. And that’s not for the faint of heart, like you might not consent to that. You might be like, Nope, that’s not for me. No, thank you. But I want to let you know that I believe in order for you to be able to thrive in a somewhat hostile environment, you’re going to have to do some very deep work of understanding yourself, of really creating a sense of belonging and groundedness within yourself and setting up your other environments, your home environment, your social environment, in a way that you’re just surrounded by so many people that accept you, and here’s why that’s so important. It is cruel to ask a human being to daily go into again, I’m going to use the term hostile environment. It’s cruel to ask a human being to go into a hostile environment over and over, and that’s like the workplace Okay, without having a safe place to land on the outside of that. So I think that this is going to be a long and grueling journey for you, but I know that you are capable, but I want you to know that it’s not just learning about yourself. It’s not just connecting to yourself. I think working with a really good trauma informed therapist would be so appropriate in this context, because you likely have so many examples of rejection you know, throughout the decades of your life that are now kind of culminating in this work environment. And so you’re not just existing in a vacuum within that work environment. You’re bringing all of the baggage that you have from your childhood, from your adolescence, from your college experience, from your post grad experience, like all of that you’re bringing now, to this work environment, and it’s likely making you even more raw and making this experience even more painful. And I can tell that what you’re craving is to just be able to exist as yourself without being judged. And so what I’m asking is, can you set up other environments, your home life, your friendships, every hour that you spend outside of work. Can you make sure that you are in I’m going to use a kindergarten term. Are you ready? Neuro divergent rabbit trail, but I know you’re going to follow me. So when my son was in kindergarten, his kindergarten teacher would whenever she noticed someone being kind, being gentle, being accepting, being loving, she would give them this, like soft, fluffy puff, and she would say, I can tell you’re being a warm, fuzzy, and that’s wonderful. And literally, she would put this like fuzzy thing in their hand, and they would get to play with it, and it would be a visual representation of, like, how they were acting towards someone else. And then she would talk about being a cold Prickly, and how we don’t want to be a cold prickly. We want to be a warm fuzzy. And this is, again, I. Didn’t plan to talk about kindergarten terms, but we’re talking about kindergarten because it absolutely applies to the work environment. If you are surrounded by cold, Prickly, day in and day out at work, you have to make sure that when you’re outside of the work environment, everything else is warm, fuzzy. Was that too weird? I it may be too weird. I think you’re probably tracking with me, though. Okay, so this is a two fold process. It’s doing a self exploration journey. It’s making sure that you have a ton of support so that you can begin to connect with yourself, know yourself, accept yourself, even in environments that are not accepting of you. So that’s that’s number one, and I think you’re going to need a lot of support for that. I highly recommend engaging a trauma informed therapist and taking this question to them and and really working on that. You can also join my coaching program. We are actually currently coaching on identity and self concept, and once we’re done with this course, it’s going to be available to everyone the minute that they join focused. So it’s identity self concept and how to quiet your inner critic. And it absolutely applies, Alex to what you’re talking about here. But then, in addition to that, you really need to make sure that the environments that you’re in outside of work are accepting, are loving, where you can go get filled up and built up, and know that you are a good human, and know that, like, the quirky way that your brain works is just like actually wonderful, so that you have the courage, the fuel, to show up to work day in and day out. Because Alex, it sounds like you love your job. It sounds like you’re really good at your job. It sounds like you’re so passionate about helping these kids. But here’s what I know about leading people. Here’s what I know, we have to be a couple steps ahead of them. And so if you are really identifying with your students struggle and really feeling like, oh my gosh, I don’t even know what to tell you, because I’m dealing with the same thing, it’s your responsibility to get help with that, to get support for that, so you can be just a couple steps ahead of your students and say, Listen, I understand where you’re coming from. And here’s what’s helped me. Hey, I know what it feels like to be rejected. I know what it feels like to be judged. I know what it feels like for people to just like, feel like people are talking about you behind your back. Here’s how I deal with it. Here’s here’s some ideas for you. And it sounds like Alex, that you just need a little bit more support so that you can get a little bit farther ahead than your students and then reach back and grab their hands and lead them along with you. You’ve got this. This is possible for you. You are extremely intelligent. You have shown and proven to yourself that you can do really hard work. This is just a different type of work that you’re being invited into, and I know that you can do it. I am just sending you the biggest hug. Thanks so much for calling in. And again, if you want me to answer your question on the podcast, call 833-281-2343, all right, we’re gonna wrap it up with what triggered me this week, and I don’t know why. It just continues to happen that the night before I record, I am actually triggered, and I am actually losing sleep and but twice in a row, now that has been the case, so let me tell you about what triggered me this week. I am currently in talks with the school to set up an evaluation and an IEP for one of my kids, and there are a couple things that are highly activating about this. Number one, if you have had any interaction with the public school system, it is really set up in a power dynamic where the school is the expert and the parent is not, and that’s valid in some ways, but you know, as a parent, you’re the expert in your child, and all of us parents do bring a different level of expertise professionally, and so the power dynamic is a little activating For me with just the assumption that, like, the school is the expert the parent is not. That’s probably a little bit of my Oppositional Defiant Disorder rearing its ugly head, even though I am a 43 year old, grown ass woman, because I’m like, you can’t tell me what to do, and that just always seems to, like, burn in my belly. Oh. Okay, but in addition to that, I mean, the school has been wonderful. We’re really, really Hashtag blessed whatever, to be in a great district, and the meetings so far have been really, really good. But what happens after you set up a meeting is that you they send you paperwork and you’re expected to sign through Docusign. And when I’m reading the docusigns, like it’s starting with the 504, and like the the explanation is just inaccurate, like what they’ve written is inaccurate. And I’m like, Well, I’m not gonna sign that. So I send it back. And I’m like, Hey, can we talk about this one section? You know, what you’ve quoted from the different evaluations that I’ve sent to you is inaccurate? Can we get this fixed? And then they, like, replied, and were basically like, No, you’re misunderstanding. And I was like, I’m pretty sure I’m not. And I’m going back and forth with like the school psychologist and the Director of Student Services, and I’m trying so hard to just be cool. Just be cool, but I’m also really struggling with I’m asking too much. I’m a burden. People are going to hate me. I’m making their life harder. I should just let them be the expert. I’m probably doing it wrong. I’m probably the problem. So that’s like, one side of my brain or body is doing that, and then the other side is like, No, I know what this report says, and this information right here is inaccurate. And like, it’s a simple fix. Just fix it. Like, why are they? Why are they saying no, it has not been super fun and as warm and fuzzy to call back the warm fuzzy, as warm and fuzzy as the meetings have been trying to get accurate information before I sign these like legal documents, has been so hard. So I guess what I want to say is solidarity to every single parent out there who’s parenting a neurodivergent child. And then also I want to say, can you imagine if our parents were fighting this hard for us in the 70s, 80s, 90s to get us services that we needed. Can you even imagine? I mean, maybe some of you had that type of parent. I know I didn’t, and most of my clients haven’t had that type of parent. So that’s part of kind of I think what’s activating me as well is like I never got this I never had a mom fighting for for for services. For me, I never had the opportunity to have an IEP, to have people in the school and teachers understand the way my brain worked, which is, like another I don’t know grief or just like triggering piece of all of this. So it’s just been a whirlwind, and it’s always getting up to use the restroom. I’ve already said this, which is probably too much information, but I know that it is universal. Like, you get up and you’re like, Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, Don’t think, don’t think, and then all of the sudden it just, like, floods back. So last night, I’m like, don’t think about it. We’re gonna take care of it tomorrow. It’s no big deal. And I’m like, trying to soothe myself, and then I get back into bed and I’m just flooded with like, they hate me. Why is this so hard? Maybe I’m just misunderstanding it, which I don’t think I am. Y’all I like I can read. I’m pretty intelligent. I don’t think I’m misunderstanding so that’s what’s got me going this week, the dynamic of interacting with schools, the dynamic of trying to get your kids accurate services, and then the dynamic of helping your kid with something that you were never helped with.

All of that, man, all of it is just, it’s just getting to me. So hey, if you have any thoughts on that, send them my way. I’d love to hear from you. You can leave a comment on YouTube. You can send me a DM on Instagram or Tik Tok at I have ADHD podcast, but I’d love to hear from you and hear your experience, because ADHD and other neuro divergences are highly inheritable or highly heritable. I’m not sure how to say it, but anyway, if you have it, your kids probably do too, and vice versa. So I know a lot of you are trying to get your kids support and services and like solidarity. Let’s just go ahead and link arms and support each other with that, because it ain’t easy. All right, that’s it for me. This week, I hope that you enjoyed this roller coaster ride, and I can’t wait to see you next week, I’ll talk to you then, bye, bye. Hey, ADH, dear. I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost. Can. Confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focus. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes, alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world, visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more. 

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