Kristen Carder 0:05
Kristin, welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristin Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated, totally sick, but ready to roll. How are you happy to be here with you by the time you listen to this, it’s probably going to be March, but let me just tell you February is februarying. I don’t know if anybody else feels this way? But it is the dead of winter. My entire family has been sick for the last month. We’ve just like, fallen like dominoes, one after the other, and I was the last of all. I was feeling so smug that I hadn’t gotten sick. And like, you know, I take ag one, and I work out ish, and I take care of myself, and I eat well Ish. Ish added to all of it, right? And I was just feeling so smug that I hadn’t gotten sick, because I’m so much better than everyone else. And then, bam, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I’ve not been well for nearly two weeks, which is just not that fun. This is not that fun. And I don’t know if this is just with everybody or maybe specifically for people with ADHD, but I you get to the point where you’re like, I’m never gonna be better ever again.

Like, this is my new life. This is my new life, and it’s never gonna end, and I’m never gonna feel better again. And I just have to keep reminding myself that that is not true. This too shall pass. I’m so grateful for antibiotics. I don’t love taking them. I don’t think anybody does. They kind of mess up my belly, and it’s just not that fun. But when you need them, I just am so grateful that they’re available, because literally within 24 hours of taking, you know, starting antibiotics, I was already feeling so much relief, but now it’s just lingering. You know, it’s just February, it’s and again, I know you’re listening to this in March, but still, March sucks too, at least on the East Coast, is just no fun. So hopefully we will make it through winter, hopefully this podcast will be just a very sweet companion to you as we all just kind of trudge through it’s just me. Today is a solo show. It’s, as usual, a wild ride. So let me just give you kind of a preview of where we’re going. We’re going to talk about boredom. Dr Marcy Caldwell was here a couple weeks ago, and she she mentioned some stuff on boredom that just blew my mind, and we need to dive into it. So we’re going to spend a good significant chunk of today’s episode talking about boredom, I’m going to share a resource with you that I think you’re going to really want to take advantage of. I’ve got a couple of voicemails for you.

We’ve got some research on exercise and ADHD, and then we’re going to dive into what triggered me. And I do want to say I spent a good portion of the last couple of weeks feeling in that fight flight triggered mode, which is not super fun, but it is what it is. And so we go in a chat about it. Taking care of your health isn’t always easy, especially for those of us with ADHD, we struggle to cook. We struggle to remember to eat. We struggle to plan meals. The executive function involved is just off the charts. But AG, one makes it so much more simple. That’s why, for the last several years, I’m talking two years, I’ve been drinking, AG, one every day, pretty much, no exceptions, which is saying a lot for me. That is saying a lot for Kristin Carter, who is generally pretty inconsistent, especially with eating healthy. But it’s just one scoop mixed in water once a day, every day, and it makes me feel so much better. I wake up, I head straight to the cabinet. It takes me, like, 60 to 90 seconds. My kids watch me do it, because it’s like first thing in the morning, and they watch me in my robe with my messy top knot. I’m just like, scooping the Ag one. They turn up their nose, and I just say, like, listen, it might look gross to you, but it is so easy. It’s such an easy way to support my health. Both. So I’m not not gonna do it. I’ve got to let you know that I have had other wellness companies reach out to me and ask me to try their products and ask me to be a sponsor.

And I just don’t like anything as much as I like ag one. I’m just not gonna do anybody else. So this is, like, the most genuine sponsorship ever. Each serving of ag one delivers my dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics and more. It’s a powerful habit, and it’s powerfully simple, which is why I’m able to do it every day. You might be wondering like, how do you know for sure that AG one is a quality product? And that matters a lot to me, because if I’m going to do something, if I’m going if I’m going to make the effort, you better believe I’m going to make sure that it’s worthwhile. But I know that with ag one, I’m giving my body high quality nutrition.

Every batch of ag one goes through a rigorous testing process so that you know it’s safe, and the ingredients are sourced for absorption, potency and nutrition density. So if there’s one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it would be ag one 100% and not the other products that people have tried to send me, literally, they send me products I’m just like, it’s just not ag one. That’s why I partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with ag one, try. Ag one, and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3, k2, and five free. Ag one, travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drink. AG, one.com/i, have ADHD. That’s drink. AG, one.com/i, have ADHD. Go check it out. Let’s start off with a conversation around boredom. Boredom is one of those emotions for those of us with ADHD that we run from whenever I mention boredom and focused in my in my ADHD coaching program, there are screams, like everyone’s like, no. Boredom feels horrible to those of us with ADHD, and we spend a lot of time trying to avoid it. We spend a good portion of our life trying to avoid boredom. Now I mentioned Dr mercy Caldwell’s episode already is episode number 303. If you haven’t listened to it, go listen to it. It’s essentially just like the basics of ADHD, but we have a full conversation about the experience of boredom.

For those of us with ADHD, and she mentioned that we are able to now see on fMRI imaging the fact that when someone with ADHD feels boredom, it actually lights up emotional pain centers in the brain, which is like we already knew, right? Like that just validates what we already knew, which is boredom feels excruciating. It feels horrible. It makes us feel like we just want to die. It’s just like I will do anything to get out of feeling bored, and now we know why, and for me, that is just the most validating thing you could ever tell me, because my experience of boredom is that I get extremely agitated, extremely frustrated, and I just want to get out of my body when I’m feeling the feeling of boredom. I want to escape.

I want to leave. I want to run away. I want to do anything other than the thing that is causing me boredom. Now this is a big part of why we experience impulsivity as adults with ADHD. Obviously, impulsivity is, you know, a frontal lobe issue, but it’s also an emotional issue. It’s also the fact that we experience boredom, which is really, really unfun. Un fun. Yep, I said it. I meant it. We’re not cutting it out. It is un fun. It actually causes us emotional pain, which for anyone with ADHD emotional pain often feels like physical pain, so we feel it so strongly in our bodies, and it makes us want to escape. So we end up living our lives if we’re not aware, if we don’t understand it, we end up living our lives to the point where we are trying. We’re playing this game of escape. We’re playing this game of hopping around from one task or one thing to the next to the next to the next to the next, so that we can avoid boredom. So impulsivity for ADHD ers is not just because of our frontal lobe and you know the fact that we have ADHD, but it is also. So this escapism game that we are playing with boredom, I want to avoid it. I want to get out of my body. I want to do anything other than the thing that is causing me boredom. And so I’m going to hop from task to task to task to task, so that I don’t have to experience boredom, so that I don’t have to feel the way that I’m feeling right now, so that I don’t have to be stuck in this emotional state of pain, this agony, this agitation, this inner frustration of just like, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here.

And so when I am not self aware, when I don’t understand the process. This can lead to a ton of impulsivity, of what looks like impulsivity, right? Because I start a task, it becomes boring, inevitably. Because literally, every task does, my body is like boredom feels horrible. I’m feeling this emotional pain. It’s registering as pain in my body, and I’m like, oh, I need to escape this. And so I go to a different task, usually a lesser priority task, usually something that doesn’t matter as much as what I started out to do in the first place. This is why we have so many unfinished projects. This is why we leave so many things undone. This is why we have so many goals that we have yet to reach, because we have not been willing to feel bored. That’s what we’re going to talk about now that we understand what happens that we literally feel this emotional pain that we’re experiencing it in our body, to a really uncomfortable, agitating, frustrating, sometimes, just like I can’t even handle it like to that degree. Now that we understand that we have to begin to think through is this goal worth feeling bored for? That question can change everything for us, because you know us, ADHD ers, we make a lot of plans. We make a lot of promises to ourselves and to other people. What if, before we made a promise to ourselves or to other people, we started to ask ourselves this question. First, pause, okay, is this thing that I’m promising myself or someone else that I’m going to do? Is it worth feeling bored for?

Because, if not, I need to rethink it. Because inevitably boredom is going to come. Inevitably it’s gonna it’s gonna happen right along the way of whatever goal, no matter how much we want it. Boredom is going to be a part of the process. Is this thing worth feeling bored for? I think that you could probably say no to a lot of things that are not meant for you with just that question alone. Is this worth feeling bored for? And you’re like, oh, absolutely not. Well, then obviously I don’t want it enough, because boredom is the currency for our dreams. ADHD, hear me, boredom is the currency for your dreams, for your goals. It’s the price that you have to pay in order to get the things done in order to accomplish what you want. Nobody gets to escape that we’re all just humans. No one gets to escape the fact that no matter what the goal is, no matter how committed you are, no matter how much you want it, that boredom is going to be a part of the process. You’re just a human and you’re a human with ADHD. Okay, so boredom will be a part of the process. Is it worth it to you?

Do you want it that badly? So right now, I’m in the process of writing a book. Oh, my goodness, this is so it’s so hard. I’m only just writing the book proposal, which actually my book agent is telling me that that’s actually harder. It’s the hardest part of the process is completing the book proposal, because you have to think through the entire book, and you have to, like, make a plan for every single chapter, and it’s literally doing, like, all of this work in advance. And then by the time the book proposal is done, quote, unquote, all you have to do is kind of fill in the blanks with the writing. And so right now I’m in the planning and the proposal phase, and it is hard. It’s really hard, and boredom comes to me in this process. All. Often it’s because of, just like, how much thinking I have to do in advance. And it’s just like, I just want to get to the writing part, but what I have to be engaged in right now is the planning, the big picture, the where is this going? And that part right now is just, it’s not what I want to do. It’s boring. I don’t want to do it, but I know that I have to be willing to feel bored in order to finish writing this book proposal. And I have to finish writing the book proposal in order to write a book like it’s just like, there’s steps, and I just gotta follow the steps. And as someone with ADHD, I don’t want to follow the steps. Steps are stupid. Please don’t make me follow the steps. But like, these are the steps. So these are the steps that you follow. And I have been asking myself, is this worth feeling bored for? And the answer is, yes, it is. This book needs to be written and it needs to be read. It’s a very important book.

I believe it with all of my heart, and so is it worth feeling bored for? It is it’s really I don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but it does allow me to accept that boredom is part of the process, and I’m willing to feel it in order to get this done. Now, ask me about something else, like, I don’t know, writing an email that I don’t want to write, or doing the dishes or the laundry. Sometimes the answer is no, this is not worth feeling boredom for and I have to own that. Then that is what it is, especially when it’s someone else’s agenda for me, something that someone else wants me to do, something that someone else finds important or suggests like, Hey, you should do this. This is probably something you should do. I’ve been very, very intentional about recognizing the cost, and the cost is often going to be boredom, and I’m not willing to pay the that price for someone else’s version of what they think I should be or what they think I should do, I’m not willing to pay that price. I’m not willing to pay the price of boredom for someone else’s suggestion. And so the answer to those types of things is usually

Thank you, but no but to understand that boredom is just a part of the process. Can be really helpful. It’s also really sad and really annoying. And I’ve had so many clients ask me, but like, how can we make it more fun? But like, Could I make it fun? And like, sure, but I think that where we need to start is boredom is normal, even for the things that I really want to accomplish. I think we have this perception that if I’m doing what I’m truly meant to do, I’m gonna feel good about it all the time. And I just want to say that is not true. That’s not true. If you’re doing what you’re truly meant to do, you’re still going to have the emotions of fear and boredom and confusion and overwhelm and all of the things. It’s just it’s a part of it. None of us get to escape it, and when we try to escape it, that’s when we’re hopping around from goal to goal, or from task to task, or focusing on the lesser priority items, because they’re just easier.

They have more novelty. They’re more interesting. They maybe have a bigger payoff in the short term. And so we don’t get to the longer term goals, because there’s so much boredom involved with them. So I just want to encourage you that, first of all, like you should feel so validated, that boredom actually is an excruciating emotion for us, and that you’re not crazy, and that the experience of it really is awful, and we hate it and and that’s normal, and that it’s something not necessarily a problem to be solved, but something to be experienced and accepted. Can you accept that boredom is part of the process? Can you treat it like any other emotion that feels terrible in your body and spend some time surfing it. So when I say surf, what I mean is we’re going to stop and recognize that something’s happening up. I feel bored, something’s going on in my body. I feel terrible.

And we don’t take action from that emotion. We just stop and. Recognize that it’s there, boredom. I see you. Ugh. You feel terrible. This feels awful. I’m bored right now. I see what’s happening. And then you The S stands for stop, the U stands for unfold. You let the emotion unfold. You allow it to be in your body. And this is the hard part for those of us with ADHD. Many of us do not have experience allowing our emotions. We were punished for our emotions as kids, most of us and not taught how to like, handle emotions. We were never taught to like, co regulate with other people. And so, my goodness, we struggle so much with this, and so the important thing to do here is to just let the emotion be in your body again without making decisions from that place. So I’m just I’m breathing. I’m making lots of space in my chest, in my tummy and my legs. I’m letting the boredom kind of course through my veins. And then the R in surf stands for receipt. I’m going to let it be in my body until it recedes, and I’m going to reassure myself, okay, you did a great job. That was terrible, but you did it. And then the F stands for I’m going to figure out why it’s here.

Okay, why am I bored? What’s going on? Oh, I’m bored because this is a hard task. It’s pretty mundane. It’s requiring a lot from me, and I’m not getting much return on the investment right this second. And so then we talk ourselves through it. Are you willing to experience this to get the goal that you want? This is a simple part of the process that we can accept boredom is here that is okay. What I understand that this is a part of the process. It doesn’t mean that anything’s gone wrong and it doesn’t mean that I should change course. That’s the big one. I’m not going to hop around from activity to activity or task to task and not accomplish anything. Today, I’m going to stay the course. I’m going to stay here and allow myself to feel bored so that I can get this thing done. Oh, I wonder what you think. Here’s the thing, if you can tolerate boredom in your body, you’re going to be able to accomplish anything. You’re going to be able to get anything done. You’re going to be able to reach your goals. You’re going to be able to be the person that you want to be, but it requires boredom. That’s the price that you have to pay. That’s the currency, that’s the exchange like that. That’s what it costs to accomplish your goals, to get the things done, to follow through on what you want to follow through on. It costs boredom. So ask yourself today, am I willing to feel bored?

Can I practice feeling bored? Can I accept that boredom is a part of every human’s life. I was having this conversation in my focused ADHD coaching program and and people were saying like, I hate feeling, you know, boredom is the worst. Boredom is awful. I want. I don’t want anything to do with boredom. And on one hand, same, but on the other hand, how lucky are we to live a quiet and simple life that is boring? If you grew up in chaos, or if you just look around the world and see the chaos out there, how privileged are we to be bored. There’s something about like nervous systems. And the nervous system of somebody with ADHD just kind of craving that chaos and always wanting the constant up and down and the constant roller coaster and the constant stimulation, and if we can get to the place where we can tolerate calm and boredom and ease and rest. There is something really beautiful, really powerful and really important about that. Think about the environment. If you have kids that you want to create for your kids, a boring environment, meaning an environment that’s predictable, an environment that’s stable, an environment that’s just kind of like the same every day, that that’s what we would describe as boring, but in that environment is where children can thrive.

And I just really want to encourage you to see boredom differently, to begin to develop a tolerance in your brain and your body for boredom. I think it could really change a lot, and I know it will allow you to accomplish more than you’ve ever been able to before. I. Right? Let’s transition to the resource of the week. And this was actually a great segue, because I have been asked to teach a course on parenting so many times, and within my focused ADHD coaching program, we have people who are parents and child free people, and I’ve never ever wanted to exclude anybody, and so I’ve never taught a course on parenting. And yet, here we are, finally, five years into the focused coaching program, and my community has convinced me it’s time even the child free people within the community have said, listen, there will be value to this course for someone who’s child free. Some of them plan to have kids someday, so they’d like to kind of learn things in advance.

Others feel like they want to connect with their own childhood stories and their own inner child. And a parenting course would be a good way to do that. And then other child free people have kids in their lives that they love. They have friends kids or nieces and nephews, and so they want, you know, support and help and encouragement with that. And so parenting, as someone with ADHD, parenting is so hard. It’s so hard. It is one of the hardest things. I get tons of questions about it. I have three kids, two of them are neurodivergent. I’m parenting with a neurotypical partner, and it is just a whole it’s just a whole thing. And so I am going to be teaching a course on parenting in April, but in preparation for that course, I’m teaching a free class for anybody who wants it, it’s on the number one skill needed to be a good enough parent with ADHD. If you’ve attended any of my free classes, you know that I show up to teach, like I show up to teach, you are going to walk away with a brand new skill. You’re going to walk away with brand new knowledge. You’re going to walk away with a ton, a TON TON TON of practical information that you can use in your real life right away, absolutely for free. So if this is something that’s interesting to you, go to I have adhd.com/freeclass to sign up. Super easy, super simple. And I should probably tell you when the class is, March 25 at 1pm eastern time, march 25 1pm Eastern Time, completely free class on the number one skill needed to be a good enough parent with ADHD. Whether your kids have ADHD or not, it is very difficult to parent as a person with ADHD, ask me how I know. I Oh, man, I have made so many mistakes. I’ve made so many mistakes, and this is the number one skill that I wish someone had sat me down, grabbed me by both of my hands, and said, Kristen, you need to learn this skill before you go one day more as a parent, because your inability to do this one thing is actually wreaking havoc in your home, and if you were to just learn this thing for free, it will Change absolutely everything. So I invite you to join me on March 25 at 1pm eastern for a completely free class on the number one skill needed to be a good enough parent with ADHD. Go to I have adhd.com/free class to sign up again. There’s going to be actual teaching, actual practical tips, actual skills that you can walk away with and implement immediately. I always save time for a long Q and A you guys, if you’ve been to my classes, you know that I’m going to stay late. I’m going to answer questions. I love hanging out with ADHD folks. It’s just the what I love to do, and also, I’m going to give you a free gift on that webinar that you won’t be able to get anywhere else. Okay, so join me go to I have adhd.com/free class to sign up. Okay, let’s listen to some voice mails first. Let’s hear from Brianna.

Caller 29:42
Hi. My name is Brianna, and I’ve been struggling with ADHD, quietly, if that makes sense, like I’ve been diagnosed, but never took any medications, and I finally have an appointment to go and speak with a specialist and figure out what. Is going on because everything that you just said, I just listened to one podcast. I just called in because this was amazing. It was I am not alone, I’m not crazy, I’m not illiterate. I Yeah, it’s been a blessing just to hear you speak about everything. So I appreciate you so much. And I man, I guess one question for me is the fact that you’re married, and he is obviously not. ADHD, is there any resentment within that? Because, I mean, I just recently started dating somebody, and they have been through the same things that I’m going through, and it’s amazing. It’s a breath of fresh air. So is there any resentment? Is there any just like, non understanding? You know, I mean, I don’t know, but I appreciate you, and I love your podcast, and thank you so much. You have made me feel not alone. I’m Brianna Perez here in Spokane, Washington, Pacific, Northwest. Thank you so much. I truly do appreciate you,

Kristen Carder 31:08
Brianna. You’re so kind. I just love that you listened to one episode and you were like, I gotta call in. I’m so glad. I really love getting your voicemails. So if you want to call in and have your question answered on the show, please do. The number is 833-281-2343, and I love hearing from you. So definitely, definitely call in. Brianna wants to know if there’s resentment, and I will say absolutely there has been resentment in our marriage, especially from my husband feeling like really just not understanding. ADHD and we’ve been married 20 years now. We’ve been together 22 I guess, years. So we’ve had a long time to be working this out. I will say that he does not seem to feel resentment anymore, but there were absolutely moments or weeks or months or years, even where there just wasn’t an understanding of ADHD. Part of that was my fault because I didn’t understand ADHD. It’s so hard to help your spouse accept you when you don’t know or accept yourself like I didn’t. I didn’t know about my brain. I didn’t understand that pretty much every obnoxious, annoying thing that I was doing was somehow related to ADHD. Not that I don’t have flaws of my own. I promise you that I do. But you know, I was I was late, I was messy, I was disorganized, I was kind of chaotic, I was emotionally explosive, like all of that is linked to ADHD, and so I did not understand that. And because I didn’t understand it. I I, how do I want to say this? I allowed myself to take responsibility and to kind of be the problem or the bad guy in a way that I no longer allow myself to do, like I don’t consent to being the bad guy anymore, and my husband doesn’t consent to that either, because we both learned so much about ADHD. We both have learned so much about what it means to be a human with ADHD and the fact that, like, I’m not out to get him, I’m not out to ruin his day. I’m not out to make things harder for him. But my brain does work in a different way, that inevitably, once in a while, is definitely going to make things harder, like absolutely and so what I want to say to anyone who has ADHD and is partnered with a neurotypical, and I’ve said this many times, it we have to take responsibility for understanding ourselves and accepting ourselves and knowing like, where the line is between what’s ADHD and what is something that like, obviously is a character flaw, or obviously is something that I really need to manage, like on the inside of me, if that makes sense. So this is one of the reasons why I’m writing a book on ADHD relationships.

This is why, because there’s so much misunderstanding, there’s so much that we don’t know. There’s so much that the ADHD or and the neurotypical needs to know in order to have a cohesive marriage. So right now, though, without that book in your hands, hopefully, if I ever get that book proposal done, it will get to you eventually, I will say that learning more about your brain, listening to free resources like this podcast, maybe joining an ADHD support group of some kind, and couples therapy, couples therapy with somebody who understands ADHD that is not going to put the fault constantly. On the person with ADHD, and that’s the tricky part. We have to do couples therapy with somebody who actually understands how ADHD impacts every single area of our lives, and who doesn’t blame the ADHD or for everything that goes wrong in the marriage if your couples therapist blames you for everything that goes wrong in the marriage. Find a new couples therapist. Okay, all right, let’s hear from one more. This is Cindy.

Caller 35:32
Hi Kristen. My name is Cindy. I am from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and I love your podcast. I just got diagnosed in September. I’m 34 years old, so yeah, your podcast has been life changing, and I’m calling because I am fortunately getting married in less than three months, and my fiance is actually the wonderful human who led me to discover that I have ADHD because he has ADHD. We both have ADHD, we are both on medicated well, I shouldn’t say it like that. He went the Adderall route for about 20 years. It’s it messed him up. I’m sure you’re very familiar with that. I, on the other hand, cannot tolerate any kind of stimulants. So I’m sure you can understand our brains are completely opposite. And, I love him so much, but I’m calling because it’s so hard. The communication is so hard, the rejection sensitivity, the facial expressions, the tones, that is most of our arguments. And I love him so much. We love each other so much. There’s we are not breaking up by any means, but I would love to hear your tips for couples that both have. ADHD, I don’t know if you’d have enough content to do a full episode. I hope so, but that would be wonderful, and I hope to join focus as well. I I love it. I love the idea. I just got to save up some money. So thank you so much for listening. I hope you can hear from you soon. Bye.

Kristen Carder 37:01
All right, Cindy girl, I hear you. I feel like we’re on a theme today, a relationships theme. I don’t want to be so bold as to record an entire episode on couples who both have ADHD since that’s not my lived experience, but you’re giving me a good idea for a future interview, to be able to interview maybe two people, you know, a couple who both have ADHD, that would be a really fun conversation. So I’m putting that on the ideas this, but I do want to say this. It sounds to me like there’s a little bit more than just straight up ADHD at play, but some relational wounding when you say things like the tone or the facial expression, and getting really like in these heated arguments over things like that, that that really points to me toward rejection sensitivity, which is a relational wound. And I want to encourage you to notice that as like a primary issue, I really want to encourage you to seek out some trauma informed therapy. If, if your husband is willing to do that with you and do couples therapy, that would be awesome. But if not, I think it would really, really benefit you.

I will say that I relate to your experience, even as someone who’s, you know, married to a neurotypical, it was there was so much relational wounding in my own life and so much rejection sensitivity that would show up in this marriage, where where I was safe and where he I knew he did love me. That didn’t matter. It actually didn’t matter because my relational wounds were being triggered so viscerally. And I don’t use the word trigger as like a joke. I mean it for real, for real. One of the books that really helped me was complex trauma, from surviving to thriving in understanding the emotional experience as somebody who grew up with relational wounding. So I think Cindy, that I’m asking you, like, Yes, it sounds like ADHD is a whole thing. And, girl, it’s a whole thing. But I’m asking you to kind of separate it out and and to look more into relational wounding and how those huge feelings of rejection and abandonment and loneliness and isolation and feeling like nobody will ever understand me can be triggered by just a facial expression that’s more than just ADHD. And I don’t say that to scare you. I say that to encourage you that there is hope here, that you can be partnered with somebody and both be unmedicated and be like, Okay, well, if we’re not on medication, like, what is going to be the source?

Of help for us. I really think that some trauma informed therapy would be amazing, something like somatic experiencing, or EMDR, or internal family systems. Those are the three that are coming to mind, like modalities, that kind of signal that a therapist is trauma informed and so I just encourage you. I encourage you to explore. I encourage you to look into it. I encourage you to read books on relational wounding. Like I said, Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, is a really good one. Healing the shame that binds you is a good one. That’s by John Bradshaw. But these books or resources that talk about the emotional wounding that can happen in childhood and how viscerally we can feel that now, even in what what we perceive to be safe relationships is so important. All right, let’s move on. We’re going to talk about some research that came out recently. And I want to say that like, if you’ve listened to this podcast in its entirety, which I can’t believe, some of you have, we’re 300 plus episodes in, and some of you have caught every single episode, you will have heard me downplay exercise as a solution for ADHD, because I struggle to exercise, and I’ve been the kind of person that has just really wanted to be super real with you and not be someone who’s like an ADHD influencer. Do you know what I mean? We’re just like guys, you got to do this and this, I just, I have wanted to be really, very real about my struggles, and one of my struggles has always been exercise.

And so on this podcast, I will very well take responsibility for this and admit that, like, I’ve just kind of downplayed exercise, like, yeah, exercise is great, but, like, the amount of executive function needed to get myself to exercise has been a Herculean effort, and it’s sometimes too much to ask. It’s too much to ask of me to exercise. And I stand by that. I guess I really do stand by that. But here’s what I want to say, if you can get yourself to do it. Exercise makes a huge difference. Now, I think everybody knows this. This is not new information, but I do want to go on record saying it, because I’ve really downplayed it in the past. I really have I take full responsibility for it. It’s part of my own struggle. It’s part of my own resentment about ADHD. It’s part of my own jealousy of neurotypicals, just having the task initiation available to do it, having the emotional regulation to do it, having the executive function available to do it.

Like I see my husband be so systematic and so methodical and like he has an exercise app. It tells him what to do, and he just does it. That makes me mad. I’m such a jerk that makes me mad. It makes me mad that my husband just has this app it tells him what to do, and he’s like, Okay, I’ll do that. And he just follows the directions. And I’ve asked him, like, what happens when you come across an exercise and you’re just like, No, I’m not doing that. And he’s like, I don’t ever feel that way. And that makes me mad. And so because of those reasons, I have downplayed exercise. I know that I have and I want to take responsibility for that, and I also want to say, obviously exercise is important, and obviously exercise can really be helpful as a comprehensive ADHD management program. And there’s research that came out recently that shows that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise enhances cognition in individuals with ADHD. And I think we everybody knew that already, but the research now truly backs it up, and I want to go on record saying I acknowledge it.

I know it’s important. When I exercise, I feel amazing, I feel better, I feel sharper, I feel more attentive. I feel better about life. My emotions are better. My cognition obviously, like it’s everything is better, and I haven’t spent enough time talking about that, we will link this article. I’m just reading from Psy post, p, s y, p, O, S t, s, p post, but it says a study in Taiwan found that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise induced cognition enhancing effects in individuals with ADHD. These exercise enhanced short in Oh my gosh. I don’t know that word intracortical inhibition in individuals with ADHD, while reducing it in healthy participants. The paper was published in psychiatry research. We will link all of it just so that you know. But I guess I just need to, like, acknowledge this. We gotta acknowledge it. Kristen. We gotta acknowledge it. I’m also going to acknowledge how hard it is to get up and moving. But if you are someone, especially if you are someone who’s unmedicated, you gotta exercise. It’s just a big part of your ADHD management. It’s a big part of your emotional management. Even if you are someone who is medicated, pills don’t teach skills often. Some some medications can help with emotional regulation, but not everyone does, and moving your body is very important. I have been going on hikes or hot girl walks, which is really just like ugly troll mom neighborhood walks with a weighted vest.

And there’s a lot of studies that show that for people over 40, weighted vests can help to, like, build bone density and muscle mass, et cetera, et cetera. So a weighted vest that’s about 10% of your ideal body weight is great. I’ve been using one since the fall. I have noticed a difference. I feel great. I’ve been doing yoga a couple times a week. I’ve noticed a big difference in my life. It is obviously good. We all know that exercise, this is kind of like the conversation around alcohol, where it’s like, yeah, we all know that if we like, it’s better not to drink, but so many of us don’t want to not drink. And it’s a similar conversation I feel around exercise, where it’s like, yeah, we all know that exercise is good for us, but like, it’s so hard to do. And so if you’re in that, like, it’s so hard, I’m like, solidarity. I am with you 100%

I will just say, like, don’t use it as punishment. We did that in the 70s, 80s, 90s, early, 2000s we’re not doing that anymore. Exercise is not punishment. It’s a gift. It’s a gift that we give to ourselves. It’s a gift that we give to our future selves. It’s a gift that we give to our loved ones. Because we’re much more regulated. ADHD ers need exercise, and exercise is a gift. Make sure it’s not boring. Make sure it’s it’s novel. It’s you’re switching it up. It doesn’t matter how you’re moving your body, just move your body. I saw this real the other day that was like, walking is not exercise, and I was the curse words that came to my mind, like that is bull crap, like walking is exercise, okay, okay, walking is so important, and it is exercise. So anyway, any way that you find fun to move your body, I have a client that I adore in focus, and she pole dances. That is her preferred method of exercise. She goes to pole dancing classes. How fun is that like? Be creative. Find something fun, fun ways to move your body. But yes, there is research now that shows that exercise directly impacts ADHD.

But blah, blah, blah, like it in the show notes. All right, let’s end with what triggered me this week. And I will just say that being human is so hard, and being a human who puts herself out there for 1000s of people to see is very, very hard. I have rejection, sensitivity. I want everyone to like me and love me, and so the last couple weeks of just being on the internet have been hard. We’re all in a very interesting political environment. It’s just like everybody’s emotions are running really, really high. And I will just say that like being seen has been triggering, being myself has been really triggering. And on one hand, I’m so grateful to be seen. I’m so grateful that people listen to this podcast. I’m so grateful to have an Instagram audience, if you’re not hanging out with me on Instagram, that’s my preferred place to hang out at. I have ADHD podcast. Come hang out with me. But being seen is so so hard, and being seen in a way where people are how do I want to say it like they think you should be a different way that’s so hard because, first of all, it’s just hard for anybody, but like growing up in a society that also wanted you to be a different way than you were, and trying to live as an adult who’s like authentic and true to themselves and true to what they think. But then also. Being seen by other people who think you should be different. I am just saying that that was really triggering. And I was talking to a friend saying, Gosh, I guess I need more therapy.

I guess I need to go get some EMDR or something like, I need something so that I don’t have to feel this way. And she was like, No, this is just how it feels, like you can’t, you can’t be seen and criticized and feel nothing. And I was like, dang, I want what’s option number two? Like, What? What? There’s got to be a Come on. There’s got to be a different option. And so I just want to say for anyone who struggles to be seen, whether that is by one person or 100,000 people, I’m with you. It is so hard. It is so hard to say the right thing, do the right thing show up with the right tone for everyone, including yourself, in a way that feels authentic to you, that’s not offensive to anybody. And inevitably, whether you are, whether it’s just like a meeting at work or posting on social or, you know, like talking at a family dinner, it people are gonna be thinking that you should be different than you are, and if that is triggering to you too, as solidarity, I am with you. I am grabbing you by the hand and saying, like, Let’s link arms, because same. And I don’t know what pretty bow to put on that I’m trying to think of, like, how do I wrap that up in a pretty bow?

But I think the bow is like, kind of going back to this is the currency, that vulnerability, that trauma response, that learning how to self soothe. That’s the currency for showing up and for being seen, and for being yourself, and it’s a high price to pay. It’s a high price to pay. And the question is, are we willing? And I don’t know the answer. For you, I had to ask myself that question many times over the last couple weeks, and for me, the answer is yes, I’m willing. I don’t love it is not a fun part of the process, but I am willing, and so I will see you back here again next week. I’m so glad that you’re in this community. I’m so glad that you’re a part of this ADHD, yeah, community of people that that are just trying to put one foot in front of the other, trying to put one foot in front of the other. Hey, ADHD er, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focus.

Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes, alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more you.