Kristen Carder 0:05
Music. Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. How are you how are you? Come in, get settled. Don’t forget a snack. Grab a drink of water. I hope you’re having a great day. I really, really do. What are you up to? I’m always so curious. I’ve mentioned this before. I’m always so curious. What are you doing while you are listening? Are you doing the dishes? Are you on a run? Are you in the car with your kids? Hey, kids, what’s up? I hope everybody is just living their best life. Again, I’m a little too excited for it to be spring. So this energy coming at you right now. This is springtime energy. This is almost summer. Energy, this is we made it through January, February, March and April. Energy, this is, I just had my 44th birthday. Energy, like I am just like, let’s go. I’m I’m happy. I’m happy about life, I’m happy about the weather. I’m happy about my birthday. Like we’re ready to roll the emotional regulation coming in right now is like, I need to regulate these good emotions, these really intense, excited, positive emotions, because it can get a little like, cagey if I’m feeling too excited. Okay, so I’ll bring it down a notch and say that we’re going to talk about shame today. So there, I ruined the whole vibe saying that we’re going to talk about shame. We’re going to talk about shame today. It’s a solo show. We’re going in all kinds of different directions. I’m going to take a couple of your calls. We’re going to talk about a resource.

We’re going to talk about what triggered me this week, all the things. We’re going to start off by talking about shame, which is a very common experience for people with ADHD. And I’m going to share a win. I’m going to start off by sharing a major win. It might not sound like a win, but it is actually a gigantic win, a huge step forward for Kristen Carter’s self development. I missed a psychiatry appointment for my son yesterday. It just I I forgot to cancel. It didn’t work with his schedule. I totally missed it, and I didn’t feel any shame. I did not shame spiral. I did not beat myself up. I did not judge myself. I got the reminder call, and I was like, oh, shoot, not the reminder call. I got a call that was like, Hey, we’re waiting for you. And I, like, went to voice mail, but you know how it transcribes it so you can read the voice mail and I’m reading and it’s like, Uh Hello, we’re here and you’re not. And I was just like, Oh shoot. It was, it was 100% just like a Oh shoot. I forgot to cancel that appointment.

No shame, no spiral, no derailing me from my day. I was in the middle of my work day and still just continued. It was just like, whoops. And I just want to say, I know that might make me sound like an asshole, and I don’t mean to at all. I’m not saying that we should be jerks. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t care. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t like be I don’t know participants in society in a positive way. But what I am saying is that a couple years ago, that would have derailed me. I would have been so full of shame for missing this appointment. I would have felt so bad for the provider. I would have felt so judgmental of myself for screwing up my calendar. I would have felt so flawed. And I was just like, oh, oh, well. And so I just want to say, like, we’re going to talk about shame, and I want to encourage you, as we move through this episode, that your experience of shame can improve. We’re going to talk about shame resiliency, which i i just love Brene Brown. I’m so grateful to her for the work that she has done. And she talks about shame resilience theory, which is essentially like building up a tolerance for the experience of shame. And we need that at each deer. We need that. And maybe you, you, maybe you’re not even familiar with the concept of shame in your body. I know you felt it. We all have it’s a very common.

Uh, experience, but I want you to start to notice what shame feels like. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that you’re flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging and connection. It’s just like there’s something wrong with me. Everyone else has it together, but I don’t there’s like, I am a flawed individual, and let me tell you, if I had missed that appointment, which I’ve missed many appointments in my life, like I know you have too, if I had missed that appointment a couple years ago, I would have been flooded with shame. There’s something wrong with me. Why did I forget this? I can’t do anything right. I I’m 44 years old, and I can’t keep a calendar correctly. What? Why can everybody else do this? But I can’t that is shame. That is the intense feeling of shame, and then we often have this, like, layered, more layered emotional experience of like, now I feel bad that I feel bad. Like, now I’m embarrassed that I’m feeling shame. So there’s like, multiple emotions happening at once. It’s just a whole stew of disgusting, yucky emotions, and what happens to us ADHD, or if we are not able to recognize it and soothe it and build up a resiliency to it, is that it will derail our whole day. I know this has happened to you, where you’ve had an experience that has triggered shame, and then you’re just spiraling, and now you can’t get any work done. You can’t connect with your family. You’re yelling at your kids, you’re just eating ice cream, you’re just scrolling on your phone. To try to kind of buffer this feeling away, that derailment is what I would love to begin to interrupt. That’s That’s why we want to build some shame resilience is so that we don’t have to go down that shame spiral, so that we can experience shame as everyone else does, and move through it in a way that’s healthy. People with ADHD face so many challenges with the quote, unquote, simple, easy things of life, and I think that this is one of the reasons why shame is such an acute experience.

For those of us with ADHD, we struggle with the basics. We’re really good at the hard stuff. Many of us are. Many of us are really creative and inventive and and and have an engine that won’t quit, right? So, like a lot of us, are really good at hard, complicated things, but in general, all of us are pretty bad at the basics of life, like organization and time management and task initiation, and just like walking through life as a As a fully formed adults, right? And so society and families will frequently misinterpret these challenges as laziness or lack of discipline or lack of follow through or lack of desire, and that is often kind of placed on us as we are growing up in these families or, as we’re growing up in the school system, everybody else can do it. Why can’t you do it? I can see that you’re really smart. Why can’t you just get it done? If you would just be consistent, you would be successful. I don’t know why this is so hard for you to just keep your room clean. Why does it look like a bomb went off in here? What is wrong with you? Your sister can do it. Why can’t you do it? Your brother can do it. Why can’t you Why can’t you be more like the neighbor’s kids? Why can’t you be more like your cousin? Hello, anybody? So it’s important to understand that shame actually travels in families. Really understanding that is huge. Shame is going to travel in families. A lot of parents will pass on shame that they felt in their own childhood experience, and it’s just this like legacy of internalized badness. I think that it was Dr Becca Kennedy that talks about that in her book, good inside, which is great book. Mentioned it last week. You’re gonna love it, you’re gonna love it. It’s the best parenting book I ever read. Okay, but that passing on of shame, it’s not great, it’s not what we want, and it is so freaking devil debilitating. It’s so debilitating. There’s such a misinterpretation of the ADHD experience, because we do struggle with the things in life that are considered to be basic and easy. Let me tell you that the basic and easy stuff is the hardest, hardest stuff I’ve ever done. I’ve created multiple businesses. I’m on my third fairly successful company that’s so much easier than just maintaining an organized home. Home, right? And so I don’t know what your story is like, I would love to invite you to think through, like, what are the complicated, hard things that you’re able to do? But then look around at the basics and just be like, Oh my gosh, I Why can’t I keep my car clean?

Why does my car look like a bomb went off? Or, Why does my closet look like a bomb went off? Or what is my home look like that? Right? Like the basic organization or self care? Like you might struggle to shower, you might struggle to eat, you might struggle to, just like, move your body. The quote, unquote, basics of self care are the harder things, whereas, like, you’re talented in so many other areas, I’m parenting a kid who is so so talented in some areas and struggling with the basics, I have an opportunity to tell him, What is wrong with you. You are so good at x, y, z, why can’t you just do this easy stuff? I don’t get it. What’s wrong with you? I could totally do that. Or I can say you’re so good at so many things, and I’m so proud of you. Who cares about this stuff? Who cares? Who cares if your room is messy, I don’t care. I’ll help you clean it. Who cares? If you struggle with organization? Who cares? We’ll figure out a way to deal with it. But honestly, who cares? Like, who freaking cares? That’s the kind of messages that I wanna send to my kids. Okay, so that’s not the message that most of us got and internalized. Shame can really hinder our self esteem and exacerbate our ADHD symptoms, because it’s so distracting and debilitating to be in that shame spiral. Now, healthy shame is a normal part of being human.

It is, it is a it’s actually a very good thing. It shows us when we’ve crossed the line. It shows us when we’re out of line, out of alignment with our values. It’s what helps us understand our limits and live in community. That’s that’s not a bad thing, but toxic shame. It says you are the problem, not just that you’re having a problem or that you’re struggling, but that you are a problem. And in families, this looks like children growing up feeling like their feelings and their needs and their mistakes make them fundamentally unworthy or defective. And so if that is your experience, I want to just pull you into the room a little bit closer. I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t know what your life is looking at right looking like right now, but I just want to, I want to pull you in a little closer. This is a common shared experience among adults with ADHD, when we look through our past, when we look at what it was like to be in a friend group, what it was like to be in a school system, what it was like to be in a family that didn’t understand you, the experience of shame, of feeling fundamentally unworthy or defective, that is a very common experience, and one of the things that we’re going to talk about as we move through this is just Like, just knowing you’re not alone is so important. Just knowing that you are not alone is so so important. So it’s crucial. One of the things as we’re kind of like understanding shame and unpicking it and unraveling it in our lives, it’s so crucial that we begin to separate moral value from your ability to perform a task. So I want you to think about the way that things were talked about in your family. Like I can remember being told that cleanliness is next to godliness. First of all, what in the world? Like? What is that? I don’t know if that was also kind of like in your family lore, but that was something that was kind of just like out there in my family, that cleanliness is next to godliness, that is absolutely putting moral value on something that does not deserve it, okay, like being messy has nothing to do with morality, and yet, so many of you look around your home and you you are feeling shame, you are feeling like there’s something wrong with you. You’re feeling like there’s a huge problem. You’re the problem because of a mess. I really want you to think through what, what kind of basic self care, or like organization, or just like everyday tasks, are you actually accidentally making moral issues, as if you’re a bad person, if you’re messy and you’re a good person, if you’re clean like we need to erase that from our thinking, from our vocabulary, from from our psyche. We we’ve got to erase morality when it comes to just like basic self care. You. You’re not a better person if you’re clean and a worse person if you’re it has nothing to do with ethics. It has nothing to do with morals.

It has nothing to do with character. There are a lot of really, really horrible clean people, let’s be honest, there are a lot of people with clean and perfectly organized homes who are extremely unethical and horrible people, right? And so I want you to think through like, am I feeling shame because I am connecting morality to basic tasks, and are you willing to unpick that? Are you willing? Are you willing to unravel that a little bit there? There’s so much morality wrapped up in basic self care and that cleanliness is next to godliness. Attitude needs to be trashed. It needs to be destroyed. We need to rise up as people with ADHD and be like, No, absolutely not. I can be disorganized and an amazing person at the same time. I can be messy and extremely wonderful at the same time. And just because someone is clean and tidy doesn’t mean that I’m gonna trust them with my kids. Like what? That makes no sense. Okay, everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives.

You go to bed at a reasonable time and you wake up early, make a list, cross the things off the list in order manage your time. Well, yeah, we know what to do, but ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of knowing exactly what to do but not being able to get yourself to do it. That’s why ADHD is so frustrating. We’re smart and we want to succeed, but we can’t get ourselves to do the things that we know we should do in order to make improvements. That’s why I created focused. I’m a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019 I’ve spent 1000s of hours coaching adults with ADHD. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from Hot Mess express to grounded and thriving. Focused. Is my monthly coaching membership where we go deep and we get to the root cause of what holds us back with ADHD, I’ll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and accept yourself flaws and all with this foundation, we build the skills to improve life with ADHD. And not only do you get skills and tools in focus, but you’re surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. As a matter of fact, listen to what actual focus members have to say about being in this program.

Speaker 1 17:59
What can I say about focused full community of people who have issues similar to you and judge you. Focus just really supported me with my difficulties in asking for help. I’ve been encouraged and cheered on by the community.

Speaker 2 18:09
I really like that you can do as much core as little as you want. It’s it’s not just about the volume of the content. It’s about the quality. Focus has helped me understand ADHD better.

Speaker 3 18:22
I would recommend this to anyone I would thoroughly recommend focus, they can confidently say that this is one of the best decisions that I have made for myself.

Kristen Carder 18:27
So if you’re an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused go to I have adhd.com/focus to learn more. That’s I have adhd.com/focused so by reframing these perspectives, we can approach tasks with a lot more self compassion, a lot more understanding, a lot less paralyzing shame, and we can reduce that burden and promote better mental health and and what’s so fascinating about this is if we relieve that burden a little bit, if we take the morality out of it, if we just look at the task as being, like, totally neutral, like, my house is got stuff in it, or my house doesn’t have stuff In it, either way, I’m a good person, maybe I’ll have more capacity to actually engage with my stuff. Maybe I’ll have more capacity to actually organize. Maybe I’ll have the capacity to actually clean, if I’m not weighed down by the burden of shame, one resource that I do want to recommend to you, if this is a specific struggle, if like, like your home is an area of shame for you, and you just feel like you you’d like to to do something about it, but you’re just not sure how. Casey Davis has a great book called How to keep house while drowning a gentle approach to cleaning and organizing. I highly recommend it. It’s so small, it’s. So easy. It’s, it’s just the tiniest, little easiest book ever. And it is so it’s so encouraging. It really, really helps to pick apart morality from just like the stuff in your house. And it really gives people, I think it could give you a really nice starting place for figuring out how you want to interact with your home and your stuff. So that’s called How to keep house while drowning. Okay, so let’s move on just a tiny bit to Brene Brown’s shame resilience theory. What’s really important here is that we understand that empathy plays a vital role in mitigating shame. So by understanding and sharing in the feelings of others and even ourselves, we create supportive environments that foster resilience. Okay, so we have got to create some sort of environment within ourself that’s going to allow for some self compassion. It’s going to allow for us to treat ourselves with some kindness and some understanding, the same understanding and kindness that you would offer a friend. I have a question. When you walk into a friend’s messy home, what are your thoughts? If they’re like, oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed. My house is such a mess. What do you say to them?

Like, I don’t care who cares, right? But why don’t we offer the same gift to ourselves? Huh? Huh? So having empathy, having that understanding, remember from last week, having the two things can be true mindset. I can have a messy house and I can be a good person. Two things can be true at the same time. I can struggle with basic self care, and I can be a truly wonderful, moral, ethical person. Two things can be true at the same time. So according to Brene, there are four key elements to building resilience against shame. First, you’ve got to be able to recognize shame and its triggers. This is going to be a little bit different for all of us, although I do believe we share some commonality, but recognizing shame so first getting used to that feeling in your body, and when it comes up, being able to say to yourself, oh, this is shame. I think right there that is such a powerful, powerful starting place is if you can just recognize this is shame. And then if you can get to know some of your own triggers. For me, I have some shame around, like social settings. So like, if I don’t feel included in a group, which this harkens back to, like the rejection sensitivity episode, there’s a lot of shame trigger for me. Like, socially, I used to have a lot of shame. Like, with my stuff I don’t have quite as much anymore, or like, if I don’t have the right clothes, or like the appropriate outfit for the occasion, huge shame trigger for me. And now I can kind of anticipate that. I can anticipate walking into a sporting event at my kid’s school and immediately feeling shame, like I just know that it’s gonna come. I just know that that’s part of the process for me, because it I have this story that everybody knows each other and everybody likes each other, and I’m on the outside. It’s just the same story that I’ve been kind of telling myself since I was like, five years old, and that’s okay, that’s just like, that’s my typical shame trigger. And so if I can kind of anticipate that and know that there’s a lot of power there, so recognizing shame and its triggers next, practice critical awareness, so understand what else is contributing to the feelings of shame?

So like, Yes, I have some social shame stuff. But like, also there’s, it’s not easy to fit in, and it’s hard to walk into an environment full of people. Or I have some shame around my stuff, but like, Of course I do, because we’re being sold and advertised to constantly. So understanding that I think the last two are the most vital, reaching out, talking about shame, one of the things in focused my ADHD coaching program, which you should totally join. Go to I have adhd.com/focus, to learn more about it in my coaching program, one of the things that is so healing is that we get to share our experiences with trusted individuals, and this fosters connection. And allows for a deep understanding and For shame to melt away. Openly discussing shame, that’s number four, openly discussing shame and its impact. Brene says shame cannot live in the darkness. Shame cannot live in the silence. Shame cannot exist if it is spoken out loud. Once it is spoken in a compassionate, connecting environment, it melts away. And I can’t tell you how many times I have witnessed this happening, where one person will speak about their experience, and the entire group is just like, Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for sharing this. Because you’re speaking this out loud, it melts away the shame of my life. And so having community where you can talk about shame, whether that’s in focused, which I totally want you to join, or another aspect, maybe you have a group at your church.

Maybe you have a group at your kid’s school. Maybe you have a group of friends. Maybe you’re so lucky and you have a group of friends. I’m so happy for you. Speaking about your shame experience, it is going to help it to melt away. It’s so important that we understand the key role that shame plays in our lives, how it makes us want to hide, how it paralyzes us, how it makes us procrastinate on the things that matter most to us because we’re feeling so much shame. Shame loves the darkness. If we can bring it into the light, if we can talk about it, if we can share the experience with a safe individual, it will melt away. It will melt away. If you can look at your home and take away the morality from your stuff, your shame will melt away. If you can look at your grades, if you’re in school and take away the morality, take away the morality, and maybe you’re a parent, parenting kids and you need to grapple with I am thinking my kid is a good kid if they get good grades and a bad kid if they get bad grades. Why are we moralizing grades? No more of that. Take the morality out of things that are not actually moral. Speak shame, bring it to the light and watch it melt away. I really hope that was helpful.

This podcast is sponsored by ag one, and listen. I have some huge news to share with you all. Ag one just launched their next generation, the same single scoop once a day, but now with more vitamins, more minerals and upgraded probiotics, and it’s clinically backed by four human clinical trials, they’ve seriously gone the distance to raise the standard in supplement testing. Ag ones next gen is now one of the most clinically backed greens powder. They went above and beyond the industry standard in testing, and they have made a great product even better. You know that I love this product? You know that I drink it every day. I am not lying when I say every day, it is easy enough, it is tasty enough for Kristen Carter, the queen of ADHD, to drink it every single day. And what’s so awesome is now it’s clinically backed with an advanced formula. This is the perfect time to try aging one, if you haven’t yet, I’ve been drinking a g1 every day for more than two years. I’m so happy to be partnering with them. They are my favorite. You already know this, so subscribe today to try the next gen of ag one. And you’re getting more than usual right now. I just I read this, and I was like, Oh, this is more than usual. If you use my link, you’re also going to get a free bottle of ag d3, k2, and a g1 welcome kit and five of the upgraded a g1 travel packs with your first order. So make sure to check out drink a G one.com/i, have ADHD to get started with a g1 next gen. And notice the benefits for yourself. I know you will. I have I know you will. So that’s drinkAG1.com/ihaveadhd to check it out.

Okay, let’s move on. I have an awesome resource to share with you today. This is called Find needle. Find needle is a website, and this is for all of my ADHD besties who are tired of calling 37 pharmacies to find out where your meds are, to figure out where to find your medication. Okay, so it’s find needle.co and what’s really it’s just so simple. You plug. In your medication, you see where it’s in stock, you see how long it’s going to take to process, and you see the costs. Bada bing bada boom. Like very easy for those of you who are dealing with like medication shortage, annoying pharmacies all of the sudden, like the pharmacy not carrying it, or it being out of stock and them not letting you know in advance that it’s out of stock, and now they have to order. It’s going to be three days. You’re going to be unmedicated for X amount of time you’re like, this has got to be somewhere else. Where can I find it? So now you’re calling around to pharmacy after pharmacy after pharmacy is too hard. Don’t they know that? Like, this is what we struggle with. This is the part that is so enraging. I’m just filled with rage. This is the part that’s so enraging. About the adult ADHD experience of being responsible for your own medication is that it is such a Herculean effort to go to the doctor, get a prescription, go to the pharmacy, pick up the prescription. When the steps are easy, it’s hard. It’s really, really, really hard. When everything works out perfectly, it is still very hard. It’s hard to remember to call on the refill. It’s hard to remember to go pick up the thing. It’s hard to just like, kind of have this in your life, it’s hard when the things don’t work, when the medications not at the pharmacy, when all of a sudden it’s out of stock, when they’re just saying, Oh, we had to order it’s going to be four days. And you’re just like, I What do you mean? It’s going to be four days? They don’t let you call in prior. Like, if you could call in a week in advance and say, like, hey, I want to refill the med. That would be great.

But they say, Oh, it’s too early. You can’t do that. And you’re just like, Okay, well, I’m gonna call you the day before it’s out, and then you’re gonna tell me that it’s out of stock. And I’m gonna get upset, because, listen to my voice. It gets so high pitched when I get mad. Excuse me. I’m going to bring back my lower, sexier voice. I get so freaking pissed off that this is what we have to deal with, and that our executive function is what is deficient, and it requires so much executive function to get the medication that we need in order to have executive function, in order to do the things. It’s so ridiculous. The whole process is so effed up. Anyway, find needle.co can take out some of this rage. I hope that this is a very helpful, helpful situation for you, so you just have to plug in your email. It will log you in. I tried it out yesterday. I’ve had people in my focused ADHD coaching program, which you should totally join. Go to I have adhd.com/focused to learn more about it. Um, I’ve had people share about this resource and and they’ve used it, and it’s been so helpful. So I hope that it is helpful to you, too. Who? Okay, we’re gonna take some phone calls.

Let’s take some phone calls. Listen, I love it when you guys call in. I want you to call and ask questions. I want you to tell me your story. The number is 83328123, 332812343, that’s 833-281-2343, yes, it’s in the show notes. You can click there two. Let’s hear from Scott first.

Caller 33:33
Hi Kristen. My name is Scott, and I live in Arizona. It was just Rick diagnosed with ADHD last year. I love this two year program. I’ve learned a lot my question is my both my wife and I have ADHD, and there are times when she’ll ask me a question and I’ll answer her question, but it becomes a hostile situation because she interprets my answer in a way that I’m I’m not trying to portray. She says sometimes that I’m snarky or sometimes that I’m being a jerk and I’m not trying to be a jerk, but she takes that like I’m being a jerk. And I know I think I’ve heard you say that there are times when you and your husband communicate, go, just say something that triggers you. And I can’t say that. I know all my wife’s triggers, but can you, can you try and help me to figure that how to be more more communicative with her and not seem like an ass. I’m not intentionally trying to be an ass, but they’re oftentimes what she thinks. That’s what I’m trying to do. I love your show. Thank you so much.

Kristen Carder 34:51
Oh my gosh, is Scott speaking for all husbands everywhere in the world, Scott? Thank you so much. Much for calling in and like my friend I was just saying to my producer, Daniel, like, Scott, you’re just you’re, you’re you’re trying so hard, and we can hear it. We can like, you’re just such a good person. So here’s what I want to say. I think it is probably especially difficult to have two ADHD partners. And I don’t know what that experience is like, but I can imagine that that is especially kind of volatile and roller coastery and difficult. I wonder if your wife. I’m wondering a little bit about her story. I’m wondering if she is medicated. I’m wondering if she’s supported. I’m wondering if she’s on a self development journey. I’m wondering if she’s done any work to understand her ADHD and herself and kind of start the process of of self development with ADHD. The reason why I’m wondering that is because, if so, it’s going to be a lot easier to have a conversation with her about what you’re experiencing, and if not, is going to be a lot harder. So part of this maybe, is inviting her into a journey. I just, I wonder, I have no idea what your relationship is like, but it might be really helpful to say when neither of you are triggered. So this is, this is we, we’re gonna bring this up when everybody’s happy. Okay, hey, I noticed that sometimes I say something and it it really seems to you like I’m being an ass, and I don’t want that to happen, and I’m really sorry about that, like I don’t ever want you to think that, and it makes me sad, and I want to figure out how to not do that. I’m wondering if you would want to go to counseling together. There is nothing sexier than inviting your spouse to go to counseling. I think, I think that is the sexiest thing you can do is say, I want to get to know you better. I want to improve this relationship. I want to make sure that I’m showing up for you in the way that you need and deserve. And I feel like going to a counselor would be really helpful with this. I think that could be amazing. I think talking in front of someone who can kind of be a mediator, who can see both sides, who can help you both to understand your triggers. I think that would be so great if that’s not an option, if the if that’s like a big hell no, we’re not doing that. I do think that it would be still really valuable to have a conversation, or several conversations when you’re not upset. These types of conversations need to be brought up when you’re not triggered, because once you’re triggered, or once she’s triggered, she’s flooded with emotion, her thinking brain is completely offline. She’s not going to be able to reason. And it’s not because she’s necessarily an unreasonable person. It’s because once you’re triggered and set off your thinking brain is not there. It is no longer available, and so you can’t have a conversation. And so bringing it up when you’re just like, everything is totally fine, and saying, Hey, I notice that I really set you off sometimes, by the way that I answer you. Can you explain to me what’s happening for you. Can you explain to me what’s happening for you in those moments I want to understand better. I want to understand. Can you explain to me what makes you angry? I want to know. I want to know so that I can understand you better. Can you explain to me what I don’t know if she would use the word trigger, but like, I’d kind of like to get to know your triggers. Like, what what do you think it is? Is it my tone of voice? And if it is my tone of voice, how does that make you feel? So, just asking questions to gain understanding and to build connection when you’re not upset, that is the best advice that I can give you.

Also just understanding that like she might be triggered, that doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong, and so doing a lot of self soothing for yourself and giving yourself a lot of compassion. Like, okay, she’s having a moment. I’m not really sure if I did anything wrong, but I need to take care of myself right now so that I’m not super defensive and I’m not spiraling out. So counseling, I think would be ideal. I would highly, highly recommend. Amend and like I said to all of the couples listening like, I don’t think there’s anything sexier than saying, Hey, let’s go to counseling. Let’s figure out how to communicate better. Let’s figure out how to understand each other better. I want to be more connected. I want to know you better. I want to understand how to have a really healthy relationship with you. Like, what’s sexier than that? Nothing having conversations when you’re not triggered, huge, huge, huge, and then self soothing yourself in the moment and really giving yourself a ton of compassion when you know someone else is upset. That’s those are the three things that I think are really going to help Good luck Scott and to all the husbands everywhere. Good luck to you also. All right, let’s hear from Sarah.

Caller 40:46
Hi Kristen, this is Sarah, and I have been listening to the ADHD podcast for quite some time now. I was diagnosed about two years ago, but now going through your podcast, doing therapy and treatment, I am able to recognize lots of ADHD symptoms in my past. Anyway, the main reason I was calling was because I have issues with hyper fixating on people. You know, in the past, when we hyper fixate, or when I hyper fixate it’s been something that was like it had a sort of timetable or an end date. You know, I could train for a marathon or a half marathon and then run the marathon, and then, boom, I’m done. I don’t I don’t continue running. I just give it up entirely, because I’ve achieved that goal. I’m done. So unless something has a finality to it. It doesn’t, it could be on a continuum anyway. So I’m in a new relationship, and I get a lot of dopamine from that relationship, and I don’t know how to not hyper fixate on that person. How do I keep myself under some sort of control when I so that I’m not always punishing out to go see this person, or that I’m not getting using that person as the primary source of my dopamine. I don’t know how to stop doing that.

Kristen Carder 42:18
Sarah, I am so glad that you called and thank you. I think you’ve been really, really honest, and I think you’ve given language to something that a lot of us experience, but maybe have not really put language to before. How do I not use this person as my primary source of dopamine? I think that’s a really, really important question to answer, and especially if we’re looking for longevity in relationships. How do I allow myself to be in a relationship without having tons and tons of dopamine? Because we all know that in a couple months, that novelty wears off, right? We’ve all dated. We’ve all dated. We all know that like you, you can get completely obsessed and hyper focused and hyper fixated on this human being, and it’s just like you’re flooded with dopamine every time you text, every time you call, every time you see each other, every time you touch it’s like, oh my gosh. It’s like, it’s, it’s like a drug, literally, right? And then inevitably, the novelty wears off, because that’s just what happens in relationships. And so I don’t know the answer here, Sarah, I do want to just come out and say, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer. I do have a couple thoughts on the matter. I think primarily making sure that the rest of your life is full of dopamine, making sure that you’re not living kind of like this boring life, and then have this one person that is the source of dopamine. I want you to get an awesome hobby. I want you to spend time with your best best friends. I want you to go meet new best friends. I want you to look for dopamine in many places, because this actually will be helpful if you want this relationship to last, is making sure that your life is full of dopamine, and you’re not relying on one person as the source, because inevitably, you’re gonna get to know them. And what happens when you get to know somebody?

The magic kind of wears off, like it’s just inevitable. I mean, it’s not that. It’s not magical to have been married for 20 long years. It’s magical, but there’s not that that immediate source of dopamine all of the time you’re not getting constant dopamine hits, because there’s nothing really, quote, unquote new anymore. Everything is just kind of like known all. Ready, right? And so in order to keep a relationship like that going, you have to understand that the dopamine is gonna wear off, and that’s okay. That’s actually good, that’s normal, that’s normal. Hopefully what you’re left with is connection, deep understanding, safety, a grounded sense of love, like a deeply grounded sense of love and commitment, right? And I have no idea if you even want this from that, from from this relationship, but the dopamine is there for the fun, for the connection, for the initial bonding, and that’s great, but just understanding that this is not it’s not something that will last forever. So can you make sure that other areas of your life are full of dopamine?

And can you really make sure not to objectify this person when you use the language of how do I make sure not to use him for my source of dopamine. I so appreciate that honesty and vulnerability, because what that’s saying is, when I’m doing this, I’m treating him as an object. I’m treating him as something that I’m using to get something from. And you’re uncomfortable with that, you don’t want to do that like you’re very explicit with that, and I admire that about you so making sure that logically, you’re even talking through to yourself like, Hey, this is a person, not an object. I don’t want to use him because I care about him. I want to know Him and accept Him and understand that he is not all good. He’s good and he’s flawed, right? Dopamine says there’s nothing wrong here. Everything is perfect. It’s all what roses and daisies and sunshine? I don’t know it’s like rose colored glasses, but reality says no, this is just a human, and humans are good and bad. Humans are perfect and flawed at the same time. Remember, two things can be true, right? And so understanding that, like, if we want to be in this for the long haul, we’re gonna have to see we’re gonna have to take those rose colored glasses off. All of that being said, enjoy the dopamine. I mean, dopamine feels great, and being in a new relationship feels great.

So I think what we’re looking for is just some regulation. We want to regulate this. We want to be tempered. We want to go into this with a realistic mindset. It’s not that feeling the dopamine hits is bad. It’s just that we don’t want to objectify this person and use them for the dopamine hits. It’s not that the dopamine is inherently a bad thing. It’s just that we know that it’s not going to last forever, and we need to make sure there’s something more substantial underneath. It’s not that the dopamine is evil. It’s just that we know that it’s not going to be around for very long, and we don’t want to get it from only one primary source. We want to have it from multiple areas of your life. So make sure your life is fun. Make sure that you’re not only with this person all the time. Make sure that you’re trying new things and experiencing new people and adding other fun things. I mean, go skydiving like have dopamine in other ways in your life, so that it’s not just reliant on this one person. All right. I hope that was helpful, dear. Thank you so much. And if you want your question answered on the podcast, call 833-280-1234, 32812343, I would love to hear from you. Okay, let’s skip ahead to what triggered me this week.

What triggered me this week? It’s super boring. It’s not anywhere close to as fun as last weeks of me being sexist and racist or being told that I was okay anyway. What triggered me? I got sick again, y’all. And when I tell you that it was actually triggering, it’s almost embarrassing to admit it to you, but I was triggered. I was mad that I was sick. So first of all, I was sick. My son had the flu, and he’s 15 years old, but he demands to be snuggled when he is sick. So I’m constantly getting these texts from him, mommy, come snuggle with me. And when your 15 year old boy that is taller than you, stronger than you, heavier than you, like, he’s just like, he’s a man. He is a big, strong water polo player, when you get that text from your 15 year old kid, you better believe I’m going up and I’m like, what do you need, baby? I’m definitely gonna snuggle with him and. And it was inevitable. It was my destiny. I also got the flu, so I was sick for like, two days, but I was denying it. I was like, I’m not sick, I’m not getting sick, I’m definitely not getting sick. And then for like, three days, I could not leave my bed, and I it was in the middle of the work week, I had to cancel my work, which I feel so horrible about, because I have this community of people that I love to serve, that I love to be around, that I love to coach, that I love to be in Slack with. I absolutely love to be in community with these people. And when I am sick and I can’t be there, I feel a great sense of responsibility. And I know a lot of you feel this with your jobs, like you feel really responsible to just like, show up and perform. And I couldn’t. I legitimately was so, so, so under the weather, and I was ashamed about it, partially because I was just sick in January, if you will remember, and I felt like, How can I be sick again? Like, am I that unhealthy? Am I that which I’m not? I’m very healthy. And so I was just like, What in the world? But what’s so interesting is this takes us back to the shame conversation that we had earlier, like I was I was putting on this layer of morality, to my being sick, to me having to call off of work, to me having to reschedule coaching calls. I felt like I had failed. I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I felt like I was inherently flawed because I was sick, which, if I had a friend looking me in the eyes and telling me this, I would be like, Honey, why would you ever think that like you’re sick? You can’t help it. Of course, you need to cancel. Of course, you need to be in bed, but when it’s me, and I think that I shouldn’t be human, and I think that I like, I shouldn’t have any, you know, human characteristics, like grappling with my own humanity is what I was doing, and I was feeling shame about it, like, Why was I moralizing laying in bed? Why was I feeling like I failed? Because my body needed rest. Oh my gosh, I slept so much so shame for us humans, I think, is just this ever present experience. It doesn’t only come with ADHD symptoms, obviously, but I do think it hits when we can’t meet the unrealistic expectations that we set of ourselves. So if I am a good coach, that I am showing up every single time for my clients, and I’m never having to reschedule, well that’s not realistic. That’s not even human, that’s robotic, and I am not a robot. So what I am trying to grapple with is my humanity. Can I normalize my humanity?

Can I understand that being sick is just like a normal part of life, and I don’t need to feel shame around canceling things that I just I can’t show up for. So I was I was mad at myself for getting sick. I don’t know if you can relate to that. I was feeling shame because I couldn’t just do my job sick. I tried to do it sick. I went in on Monday and I cried. I never, I never cry. And I am like, I’m fully made up. I’m fully like, hair curled, got the heels on, and I’m like, on my way out the door to go to work, and I like, Beeline it for Greg’s office. I’m just like, I can’t do and I’m so sick, legitimately crying real tears and and that’s when I was like, Okay, we gotta go to bed like, this is not okay. So just understanding the humanity and the human experience, and processing that shame, and being able to speak it out, even like as I’m saying it to you, which I feel like you’re a very compassionate listener, like I feel shame when I get sick. I hope that that is something that, like, will help me to melt away that shame, because I want to leave this part of me, like in the past. I don’t want to be shame triggered every time I get sick. Like getting sick is bad enough.

Dealing with that is bad enough. I don’t want also to have this layer of shame. So I’m just speaking it out. I am in my own process of shame resilience. I hope that you are also joining me in the process of building your. Our own resilience to shame, so that we’re not paralyzed, so that we’re not procrastinating, so that we’re not stuck or trapped in a shame spiral, but we can just like live and accept our humanity and know that our worth is not connected to our productivity. That’s it. That’s it for this week. I adore you. I’m going to see you next week. Bye, bye. Hey, ADHD er, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focused. Focus focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit. Ihaveadhd.com/focused, to learn more.