Kristen Carder
Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. It is so good to be here with you. I am so happy to be in my office in reading Pennsylvania. I am not in the studio today. Obviously, I I just had a heck of a week. And you know what? Something had to give, something had to give. And so here we are. We are here in my office doing a little podcast recording for you. I had the idea to host a focused coaching call featuring members who would be willing to be on the podcast, and so that’s what you are going to experience. Now. I haven’t shared a coaching call in quite some time with you, and so I thought that we were due to give you a little peek behind the scenes within the focus program and just share what it’s like to be coached. A lot of you listening to the podcast, maybe are curious about ADHD coaching, or maybe you’re just like, I hear about this focus thing, I don’t even know what she’s talking about. I don’t even know what that is. And so what we do with in focused is I host a zoom webinar. Everybody shows up, and then people raise their hands if they want coaching, and we have a one on one face to face conversation, and then everybody else in the chat hangs out, chit chats with each other, makes comments, ask questions, and it’s really just a party in the chat. And so today, you’re going to hear from Bob. Bob is struggling with overwhelm. He’s struggling with his health, and he’s struggling with prioritizing himself, and he feels stuck. And so I talked to Bob today about ways that he can get unstuck. And if that’s not relatable, I don’t know what is, because every single one of us at age dears has been stuck at one time or another, and it is not fun. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy. And so I know that you are going to love to hear from Bob. And then additionally, I speak with Hee Jung, and she is struggling in her workplace relationships, and those workplace relationships are really impacting how she is able to show up and how she’s able to like, enjoy or not enjoy her work day, and so we have a long conversation about boundaries and about safety and about what toxic relationships look like and who we need to prioritize in those moments. So I think that these will be really relatable to you. I think you will love to hear all about these two people, and I just want you to notice how helpful it is to hear someone else be coached, how helpful it is to not be the one in the hot seat, to not be the one you know struggling in the moment, but to observe it and to be able to apply the wisdom of coaching to your own life, to your own scenarios, and this is how we change our lives within the focus program. This is how I changed my life when I was in a coaching membership for three years, and I was only coached by the coach one time. That’s it. I only showed up to two live calls total in in the three years that I was in the membership, because all I did was listen to the replays. I had little kids. I was just on the go all the time, and I just popped the the replay into my ear via podcast, which is exactly what we do within focused as well, and and I changed my whole life because of it, and that’s why I am here today, being able to podcast and coach is because of the self development that work that I did within that program. So I’m really excited for you to see and just kind of experience how impactful coaching can be. I hope you love every second of it. All right, here you go. Hi. Where are you in the world?
Bob 4:24
I am South Central PA, right outside of Gettysburg.
Kristen Carder 4:27
Cool. Oh, that’s right, that’s so cool.
Bob 4:31
Yeah, not too far from you. And yeah, go birds. Go birds.
Kristen Carder 4:40
I love it. Oh my gosh. I said to my husband, I went home to make lunch just like good old peanut butter and honey sandwich. And I was like, but like, what if they lose? And he was like, don’t even speak of it. Don’t even speak of it. I’m like, Okay,
Bob 4:55
that would not be good, because the town would definitely burn. And my daughter. Who is a Penn graduate, has to go back for a little job fair tomorrow. So I told her, let’s see what happens with the game the night before you go back into Philly tomorrow.
Kristen Carder 5:09
So smart, very smart, yeah, absolutely. How can I help you?
Bob 5:14
Okay, well, where do I begin? Let’s see two and a half month. Listener, first time caller, let’s see, I love it. I always feel like I always got to preface this with everybody, because it’s like some of the things that I say might not come through well. And let me just say I do not want to hurt myself or anybody else, nothing like that. I’ve just said from time to time with the way I’m feeling and everything that’s been going on, if I would happen to fall into a coma for six months, I’d be okay with that right now, just because I need time for the voices and everything just to stop it’s something I’ve dealt with, obviously, my entire life, not really knowing what it was until about maybe five, seven years ago, actually, when my daughter started going to Penn, did we realize that, oh, wait, there, there’s, there’s a connection here, even though I didn’t see it because I did not understand that her ADHD is not my ADHD as my ADHD is not my son’s or my mother’s. But don’t tell my mother that. I mean, she’s going rest in peace. But I did try telling her that once that that, I got it from her, but she’s old school German, so she was like, you know, that’s just ridiculous. You guys are lazy. Stop this. Get the word. Do something. Stop being lazy, whatever. Yeah, but you know that that is what it is for me right now, it’s it’s really tough, because I’m just in this vicious circle of the ADHD anxiety depression, one feeds into the other, and i Everything is just unbearable for me, and I get overwhelmed very easily, because it’s amazing, especially when you’re on Insta or wherever, and you start, you know, looking up ADHD stuff, and then you see, you know, yourself and everybody else pop in, and there’s so many out there that you like, okay, Is this legit? Is it’s not legit? Is this app good? Is this app crap, you know, and again, I just shut down. In fact, even even with your program, I’m going to be the first to admit, even though you even have a thing that says on the website that says, Start Here, I still can’t get myself to do it. And it’s so miserable because I can’t, I can’t look at the workbook. I don’t, you know, there’s, I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t know where to go. And I think for the most part, because, again, this has costed me relationships, you know, whether it was my first wife, you know, friends, jobs, most recently, you know, I lost my job in back in January because of this. Because every everywhere I go, everywhere I’m around, this is still not considered a real thing. You know, I still got people that you know, my own doctor. I mean, I can get, I can get him to prescribe meds and everything, but it’s just like, whatever I want, he’ll give me period. So there’s no way to, like, okay, let’s, let’s test levels here and everything else, because on top of that, I’m diabetic, so it’s like, I got all those meds and blood pressure and, yeah, the list is running on so I’m just, you know, I can’t find it. I can’t find a counselor that’s worth a pot to pee in around here. They it’s, it’s just so it’s so miserable, and I’ve been spending so much time, you know, helping my daughter through it all and everything. Because ironically, when she got to when she got the pen, you know, and said, you know, hey, I’m ADHD, they said, Well, you got an official diagnosis. Well, around here, the only thing we could do is the old Tova test, which nobody, nobody, you know, regards that as legit. So she had to go to that neurology, something in Philly, where they gave her the, you know, the actual diagnosis, so she could get accommodations there, which was really good for her, great, you know, so, but then it’s like, but for my, for my baby girl, it’s like the ADHD and she had an ovarian torsion two years in a row, so her endometriosis, her PCOS, you know? It’s like, okay, I feel, I feel almost, I feel almost bad thinking that, Hey, I gotta do stuff for me. When I look at her and think, Hey, she’s her, her body is attacking her on a daily basis. So it’s like, I gotta just kind of again, going back to my mom, tough it up. And just try to figure things out. But unfortunately, that’s not going to do it, because I’m so stuck right now, I don’t know what to do with myself, and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it. Have I mentioned I hate it?
Kristen Carder 10:15
I’m just holding all of this, and I just want you to know like you are so not alone in this. I think that you’re putting language to so many of our ADHD experiences, especially in certain seasons of life. And it just it feels to me like so many things are pulling for your attention and your daughter, your own health, your find your job situation, all of it, it just it feels like too much. I just want to validate that for you. It feels like too much,
Bob 10:54
definitely, definitely, yeah, but I guess you know, again, like I said, you know, trying just to find, trying to find somebody that I can talk to. I had one guy a few years back that would, I would was going really well with in New York, and unfortunately, the practice closed down out of nowhere because the guy who owned it passed away. But had no there was no will. There was nothing in place. So the only thing with that guy is, even though he had ADHD, my mom, my wife, thought that he wanted to be more of a buddy than a counselor, because he loved hearing me talk. Because, if you haven’t noticed, I will talk and I will go on,
Kristen Carder 11:41
yes, and you’re very entertaining. So I think I can understand if someone doesn’t have good boundaries, or, you know, with their with their counseling. Okay, let me just pause you. You’ve described really difficult situation and something I think a lot of people experience, which is just like, I have no intention of harming myself, but I wish I could press the pause button and just stop everything for you know, like, recover. Have six months to, like, think and or not think and like, have a break. Here’s my question for you. I can you just take me through? What supports do you currently have in place so I know you’re in focused. I’m so glad you’re here. Are you currently medicated for ADHD?
Bob 12:37
Um, I started up on on liveance Earlier this week, again, I I’ve, I’ve been hoarding all this medication. I have it, you know, because I get to a point, the biggest problem I have, too, is, like some of the medication I get, the side effects are horrible. Like my jaw is in so much pain because I grind my teeth so much at night from it, and it gets a little it gets a little crazy. But I did have an actual checkup here for my a 1c and all that with the doc. And he actually, now he put me on, you know, some Prozac to help me, because he’s more concerned about my depression than anything else right now, okay, which is where he always goes with it, because, again, not a big ADHD believer. I mean, he doesn’t, he doesn’t. He refuses even to say, ADHD, he’s still old school. Add, you know, and
Kristen Carder 13:30
just wow, so So you are currently.
Bob 13:35
I just started back this week. As far as other support, the best thing I can say, honestly is the only thing that probably still has me here and moving is my wife of almost 25 years now. Because with her having to deal with my daughter and myself and even my son, who’s from my previous marriage, she has done all this research, and she goes through because she she can read. You know, I’m the type that I can’t read, because by the time I’m to the third sentence, I forgot what I read in the first so she does all that. And she’s, she’s the one that knows how to talk to us. She knows, you know where we’re at on a certain day. So she knows, okay, I can come at you this way, or I gotta come at you this way. And she’s just, she’s the greatest and
Kristen Carder 14:24
amazing. God bless, God bless all of the partners that are the interpreters for us.
Bob 14:31
Yeah, yeah, right. So that’s about it.
Kristen Carder 14:34
And like, okay, so we have a doctor who is prescribing medications we’re starting up on Vyvanse again, you said that you would love to have a counselor. I have a recommendation for you. I don’t know if you’ve seen it in the focus slack. I’m going to say it here to your face, but then I’m going to I’ll send Are you, are you in our Slack or not? And if you’re not, it’s totally fine. I.
Bob 15:00
You. I think I set stuff up in the beginning. I don’t know
Kristen Carder 15:04
if I’m going to actually have my team email it to you so that you don’t have to go through the rigmarole of like, figuring out how to get into Slack. Perfect. And I’m making a note of that now, or I will forget so best friend here sticky note, or you
Bob 15:20
can just hold it up on the sign tonight at the game and hands around to you. I’ll see it.
Kristen Carder 15:26
That’s amazing. That’s so funny. Bob, okay, okay, so I do have a therapy practice recommendation. I had a woman on my podcast, like, a year, maybe two years ago. Her name is Danica Harris, and she is an amazing counselor, and she has a counseling practice called empowered healing. Dallas empowered healing. And then Dallas, Texas, and I have coordinated with her. I reached out to her, and I said, Hey, you know, I’m recommending therapy all the time to my clients, and they’re kind of looking at me like, okay, but like, where, how? And so I asked her, like, do you have people in your practice that can work with people in different states? So she has a couple therapists in her practice who are psypact certified, meaning they are legally allowed to work in various states. I think there’s 40 something states that are psypact like in the psypact program. All of that to say that would probably be a great place to start. I actually did a training for their therapy practice on how to work with ADHD clients. So they have a lot of like my input and information on how to have a great relationship with an ADHD client. So I’m going to give you that as a resource to you. Okay, that’s not the point of our conversation, necessarily, but I do agree with you that a solid counselor would probably be really helpful.
Bob 17:09
Okay, absolutely. I mean, I’m a little, I’m a little off balance because you said Dallas, so hopefully
Kristen Carder 17:16
I know, dude, I listen. I know we’re not going to make any assumptions about them. I’m trying not to football loyalties,
Bob 17:27
trying not to but I am. I am a very, very Die Hard so it’s tough, it is.
Kristen Carder 17:33
So I appreciate that so much. Okay, so my dear, there’s two more things that I want to touch on. I want to touch briefly, on your beautiful love for your daughter. She’s so lucky to have you as her dad. She’s awesome. She’s so lucky to have a dad like you, to have someone who thinks that she’s awesome, is supportive of her, understands her, and is really concerned about her.
Bob 18:09
Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, I just have to say, I mean, when, when we went through this with the with the ovarian torsion, I happen to be home work. I was working from home at the time, and she was in the bathroom when she collapsed. And I it’s weird, because one of my supposed ADHD powers is, you know, I’m always good with in times of, you know, stress and everything. I put the cape on and, you know, and I’m doing things. But that was the first time in my life that I actually sat there for like, a split second, and I’m like, I don’t know what to do. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. I can’t even, I can’t even think, you know. And it was like, Oh, my God, the worst. But honey, anyway, sorry.
Kristen Carder 18:53
Oh, I’m glad you shared that. I just, I want to affirm your dedication to her, and I want to encourage you to maybe just in this season, really work on thinking of yourself first.
Bob 19:18
I think that’s where I’m at right now. Yeah, you know, because, like I said, she’s, she graduated, she’s moving on to, yes, you know, dealing with law school and all that stuff now
Kristen Carder 19:29
and everything sounds incredible. What an accomplished woman.
Bob 19:34
Oh my gosh, I can’t even begin to tell you, because here, here’s a girl that literally was a 5.0 throughout high school, and then was basically giving, given the choice of the Ivy League school, of her choice bull ride, which was,
Kristen Carder 19:53
what the heck that’s your kid, Bob, I know, I know your kid,
Bob 19:59
and I did, and I. I even had it tested to find out for sure, because I was like, There’s no way. There’s no way. Honestly, her, her mom’s her mom’s very bright as
Kristen Carder 20:08
well. Oh my gosh, it’s so funny. Okay, here, here’s your work. I believe that your work is letting her go and putting yourself first. Okay, she’s letting herself go. She’s go. She’s living her life. She’s doing great internally, in your own mind and soul. I want you to daily, minute by minute, let her go and and put yourself first, because you are in a very defeating cycle of the ADHD anxiety, depression, add you know, all of that together, and you are the One who is in need of your attention right now. Yeah, how does that feel for you?
Bob 21:07
Yeah, I know it. I had to hear it. So, thanks,
Kristen Carder 21:11
appreciate. I think it’s going to be hard, because it is a lot easier to focus on the people that we love than to really turn our attention to ourselves, especially if you come from a family that was a suck it up buttercup family, which you did, right? And so anytime you prioritize yourself, look at your own needs and really are vulnerable and honest with yourself, it will probably feel super uncomfy, because that’s like, you know, in the words of our parents generation, selfish, self centered, narcissistic. You know, you’re being selfish, when, in actuality, like you deserve to focus on you and to figure out what’s going on for you. Yeah, okay, so I’m kind of wanting to, like, warn you that it will be really uncomfortable to focus on yourself, which is probably why we focus on daughter so much. Yeah, absolutely, because so much easier,
Bob 22:23
right? I even thought about it for, you know, the past eight months now, where I’m sitting here thinking, Okay, well, for whatever reason. I don’t know why. It’s a misprint, but on my driver’s license, it says I’m in my mid 50s. But I just sit there and I think to myself, you know, is it too late for me? Am I really? Am I a lost cause at this point? Because, how, how do you, how do you teach an old dog new tricks, you know? And it’s just like, like I said, it’s just, it’s tough, because being this age, getting back to work is going to be a struggle, yeah, you know, because obviously, even though it’s illegal, you know, for age discrimination, it’s out there, you know, it is. So it’s like, how do I try to talk people into understanding that, hey, I’m, I’m here for the long haul, as long as I can be here, and, you know, I am. I’m great at what I do. I really am. But I think, if anything, and this was before knowing about ADHD for myself, was all my write ups were any kind of critique that I’ve got was that I do not delegate Well, which makes sense, because, guess what, nobody can do it better than me, yeah, and that was, you know, and I didn’t realize that until I, you know, for the longest time, and it’s like, wow, learning to let things go and giving, giving it to somebody, you know, that’s even, even with my wife, she’ll, she’ll sit there and she’s just like, she’s like, let me help you. And I get all antsy, and I start to shake and everything, because not that I’m like, a hoarder, but I got, like, a whole life in inside my garage right now. Yeah, that, you know, we could barely walk through. And she’s just like, let me help you with this. Yeah, and a lot of times I want to, but then I’ll see one little thing make it out to the garbage. And I’m like, No, not that I might need that in 30 years. Come on.
Kristen Carder 24:20
Oh, honey, okay, let me speak to something here. I want to be very clear. I’m giving you the mom eyes, even though you’re older than me. Ready, it’s not too late for you. I’m gonna say it. I’m gonna say it a couple times. It’s not too late for you. Mid 50s, get out of here. You got so much more life to live. And what Neuroscience tells us is that your brain is willing to change from the cradle to the grave, not necessarily. We’re, you know, we’re not going to cure 88 Safety. We’re not gonna make all the problems go away, but there is hope for you to make improvements. There is hope with the right support for you to feel less overwhelmed, to get a job that you’re really good at, to deepen your connections and your your relationships with the people that you love. There’s so much hope for that. I want to paint you a picture that, like the future is bright. It is not too late, and you might need to borrow these words. You might need to clip this and just listen to it over and over. It is not too late. It’s not too late. It’s not too late. You’re not that old of a dog. You know, I’m saying we can teach you plenty of new tricks now, if you keep doing the same things, nothing will change. So that’s where I want to talk about, making sure we connect you with a good counselor, making sure that if the Vyvanse that you started taking isn’t a good fit, that you figure out, like, Okay, what could be a good fit here? And then whatever it looks like for you. And this is probably a great thing to bring to the community in Slack, and it’s a great thing to talk about with your counselor. What does it look like for me to prioritize myself, my own health, above other people’s right now so that I can get into a good place, so that I can have more to give to the people that I love? Okay?
Bob 26:41
Received. That’s me. Makes my ears hot right now. Oh my gosh.
Kristen Carder 26:49
Okay, it’s hard to receive the good, isn’t it? It is. It’s a lot. It’s a lot easier for us ADHD ers to hear like, Hey, you messed up on this. Hey, I’m unhappy. You’re just like, yep, that’s par for the course. That’s I’m used to hearing that when somebody looks you in the face and is like, you have so much potential in a in a way that’s like, don’t not in a way that’s like, don’t waste your potential. But like, No, I see a bright future for you. It’s common. You’re on the right path. Keep going. I really, really want you to know that I hope. Yeah, Okay, last thing I want to chat
Bob 27:25
about real quick, just case I get cut off from you for whatever reason. Yeah, if we are, you know, on this podcast together, and we’re doing this thing, please, people like and subscribe. We appreciate it. Okay,
Kristen Carder 27:42
yeah, we’re gonna clip that. Oh my gosh.
Bob 27:49
All right, what’s my last thing? Okay, last thing,
Kristen Carder 27:52
my I think it’s, I don’t think I know it’s completely normal to come into a program like focused and feel overwhelmed and like I don’t even know what to do with this. My question for you is, what is the easiest point of entry for you? Because we have lots of options. We have the coaching calls live like you are with me right now. We have the recordings that you can access on your phone or in the portal. We have workbooks. We have the Slack community. What feels easiest?
Bob 28:33
That is, or does it all feel hard? Because you would think, you would think any of it’s really easy. You do your program. Your program is really friendly, user friendly, yes.
Kristen Carder 28:45
But for me, here’s the thing, when you are in a season of overwhelm, anything can tip the scale and be too much.
Bob 28:55
Yeah. And again, my wife tries to help me. I mean, she, she went through, we went through everything that was available through this, and she printed everything up for me and color coded it. Gosh, what a woman. So it’s like, I got everything here, but as well, you can’t see, but it’s still blank, because, come on, pen the paper, do something, and then I just sit here, and next thing I know, it’s the end of the day and I’m starting over again. Time blindness is the worst for me.
Kristen Carder 29:26
Because the thing, though, here’s the thing, you’ve been to live calls two days in a row. Do live calls feel easiest?
Bob 29:37
I do. I do. I like them because it’s okay,
Kristen Carder 29:40
yeah, okay, so how about for a month we take the pressure off of having other things to do, and we just say, I’m I’m going with the path of least resistance. I enjoy the live calls. It’s not hard for me to do. That. So that’s what I’m going
Bob 30:03
to do. Easy. Got that okay?
Kristen Carder 30:05
What if I say you’re not allowed to do a workbook or feel any pressure about a workbook for one month? How does that feel for you?
Bob 30:17
It feel it. It feels good, but it also feels it, it feels like a loss. It feels like I’m taking a loss because I haven’t.
Kristen Carder 30:27
Let’s pull the group. There’s 34 people here, friends, who of you have actually done workbooks? And Who of you don’t? Don’t ever look at workbooks. So Blaze said I looked at a workbook once. Blaze, how long have you been here? Tamara has been with me for five years. She’s never completed a workbook. Maggie said I once held one and flipped through the pages. Connor says, I’ve never touched a workbook, and I’ve been here three months. Hold on. Heather says it’s in the middle of my to do list. Courtney says never completed a workbook. Blaze said I’ve been here a year and a half. Monica says barely. I always want to, but I never get to it. Dominique says Never. Liz said I looked at one once or twice. Felicity, I’ve been here three years, and I’ve never gotten even close to through one, and I don’t even bother to look at them anymore. Matt said, I ordered and printed one. It’s still in the end. Hold on, I ordered a printed one. So he ordered one off the website. It gets sent to you. It’s still in the envelope. Wow, y’all, it doesn’t matter. Workbooks are not the pathway. Some people listen. Some people are workbook nerds. That’s why the workbooks are there. They’re for the workbook nerds. I was a workbook nerd, so I wanted to produce workbooks for people who are workbook nerds, but don’t use the resources here to hold them over your head and beat yourself up with I do not consent to you using my work to beat yourself up with work. You’re not even allowed to do workbooks. Bob, okay, workbooks aren’t for you. Jung says, Okay, I’m a workbook nerd. The thing is, what if you just utilize the live calls in this season of unemployment? Once you’re out of the season of unemployment, it’s not live calls are not going to be accessible to you. So we’ll have to figure out you’ll either do like, replays or the workbooks, or you’ll move on from the program, no problem. But I just want you to know that, like, you gotta take the path of least resistance, and don’t beat yourself up and tell yourself it’s not enough. You’ve been to calls two days in a row, you’re showing up. So what I want you to do is just show up to the calls when you’re able to and use this as the time to change your life. This right here, this is the time to change your life. Maybe that means that you’re asking questions in the chat. Maybe it means that you’re sharing and being a little vulnerable with the people that are here. Maybe it means that you’re just like really trying to immerse yourself in the coaching that I’m doing, okay? But no workbooks for you. You’re doing it, right?
Bob 33:38
Okay? No workbooks,
Kristen Carder 33:43
and you can just tell your wife, listen, I love that you printed this. She would probably do a workbook. Am I right? Yes, absolutely. I mean, she had, like, sticky tabs, like color coded.
Bob 33:54
Bless her. That’s her. She’s Uber organized. I mean, she’s Yes, single handedly, saving st Matthews Lutheran Church in York right now.
Kristen Carder 34:06
Bless her. Okay, so just because that would have been her path, if this was something that she was participating in, it’s not going to be your path. And we already know that, like you and your wife are so different, so you’re not going to be taking the same paths. So when she’s like, How’s focus going? You can say, I’m really learning a lot from the calls it’s the best, or if it’s the worst, like whatever you think. But what I’m saying is it doesn’t have to be about workbooks and completing assignments that feels like school.
Bob 34:38
Yeah, that’s gross the first time around. No,
Kristen Carder 34:41
that’s no. Dominique says focus taught me to lean into the path of least resistance, and it has changed my life. And I just want to really validate that the path of least resistance is still a good path.
Bob 34:59
You. Yeah, my daughter just popped in, and she’s like, I’m finally glad somebody’s telling him to take care of himself first.
Kristen Carder 35:10
Oh, hello, daughter. We love you. We’re so proud of you. We’re so proud of you, and we love your dad too. All right, I’m going to send you on your way with a big heart and go birds, go birds, go birds. Yes. And I just, I do really implore you to prioritize yourself, okay, and then also, within the focus program, take the path of least resistance. It will change your life. Okay, we’ll do Thank you. All right, sending you back. Bye. Everyone. See ya here.
Heejung 35:50
I am okay. Hi Christine. How are you? Thank you so good to see you.
Kristen Carder 35:55
Good to see you too. It’s been a minute. I just love seeing your smiling face.
Heejung 35:59
Oh, I’m happy to be here, and I like your shirt. I just typed in this is Philadelphia Eagle, right? You’re talking Okay, because I live in another continent, in Germany. And I’m like, Okay, is it football? What is it? I saw Arizona Cardinals. I’m like, No, that’s not it. She’s from Philadelphia, so Okay, I got it.
Kristen Carder 36:17
You should Google, go birds and see what comes up next time.
Heejung 36:22
It’s okay. All
Kristen Carder 36:26
right, how can I help you today? Lady,
Heejung 36:27
okay, I want to talk about relationship at workplace today. Maybe the thing may be formal, fear of missing out safe and unsafe people, actually. So I’ve been keeping myself very busy. So I think I think I might need to give you a little background, what has been happening, what’s changing in my heart right now. So I started working as a music teacher in the gymnasium. That’s like school for fifth to 13th grade in Germany. I love my job. I am so thankful, but I have Yeah, and I really like being there, serving the students. But I realized what makes it difficult, most challenging for me is not the workload, but it’s dealing with people. I think really the relationship is in our lives most difficult thing doesn’t matter where your family, workplace, friendship, and I’m realizing so I just want to just tell you what has been happening. So when I started working, there was a co worker who started with me his end of 20s. We got along really well. And already at the workplace, there was an elderly woman, so she’s in end of her 50s, an elderly teacher, man beginning of 60s, who will be retiring probably in two, three years. And in the beginning, I was a little bit careful, because I was new. And when I was hired, the principal, he had a wish. I said, I really want to have a school choir. Can you do that? I said, I try, and I have been very successful, which I’m very thankful. I have now two school choirs, and then so for the younger children, and also for the like the junior seniors, we sing together with teachers. So I mean, in the beginning he was a little bit not convinced me not being German trained teacher, but now he’s convinced that he’s really behind me. I’m really happy about that. And what happened? So I thought, Oh, how can I make sure does choir stay successful? I thought, Oh, I won’t have a like retreat. So I thought, but we need money for that. So I was looking around the town, who can I ask money for? I applied for this money. I got it. I was so thankful. And I like, yes, we can have a retreat. The student don’t have to pay as much. And I mentioned that in the three years of my co workers, and they were furious. I said, Why did you not tell us you cannot do that? You’re not supposed to ask for money. If you ask money every time school, has nothing to do. This is a job of a principal to find your money. I was like, Okay. I was totally, like, confused. I mean, why shouldn’t I ask for money outside when I see that I need it? But at the beginning, okay, I’m new here. Keep my mouth shut. Continue working. And then it happened also last is last year. So the one of the elderly colleagues, the woman she had her wind down, which has not been very successful. She’s been having hard time because not many children who want to learn to play an instrument, usually exact band club in the States. Yeah. So whenever I see her, she often complains that the principal does not support the band program and so on, which I don’t quite agree. Because, I think recently, because the kids, they don’t want to be part of it. And you cannot say this is the responsibility of the principal. I say, okay, okay, but I keep my mouth shut. I don’t want to get in conflict. And then last year, my husband was kind of sick, yeah, he had the operation, and at the home, it was difficult situation, and I wanted to have something where I can really have a success. And I thought about, oh, maybe we can sponsor school concert, yeah, involving not only the choir and band, but every student. So, I mean, in my class, so that the parents get to see what we are doing in music class. So I had the idea, and I presented, and this one college was completely against it, and her reason was, it’s too much work. I don’t want to do that. I said, it’s okay. Okay, if you don’t want to do it, then only colleagues who want to do it can take part of it. She said, she says, because if you do it and if I don’t participate, then my students will ask, why are we not doing that? Miss copies. Her class is doing it. I don’t want to deal with that. I said, we are okay, but if you’re too busy, then you said, you don’t have time for it, what is a big problem? And then it turned out at the end, so we had, she ends up being part of it, and she put a lot of work into it, which I was glad. But what happened? I said, yeah, there are about 10 classes, so we need to really read that limited time. Maybe every class five minutes, yeah, so that we get through within one hour. Well, her class took 20 minutes of the time, and I thought to myself, wait a minute. In the beginning, she was against what she’s doing, yeah, what we are doing. And now she takes 20 minutes, four times as much like what is going on. And when I mentioned word to the all of them, it’s very important for me to have this concert, because I want to encourage the student that I need something where I can have success, yeah? Because my husband being sick, and her comment was, well, I raised my children alone, three of them. And I thought, What is this? Yeah. So it was a little very invalidating. And I was, like, really angry about her response. I told her, you know, I understand you had a difficult time being a single mother, yeah, but I don’t want to be compared your situation is for you difficult I have right now my issue, yeah. And this year, it’s like, what happened is that I have two colleagues who have been very supportive of what I’m doing, the choir and all that. And one of them unfortunately left the school, and the other one, he just got a baby. So I feel like now my team, my allies, are gone. Yes, yeah. And this feels little bit I am pretty sad about it, honestly. And of course, I want to be informed what’s going on in my in the music business, yeah, in the school. And then sometimes I do see my to this elderly colleague, and I see them, so sometimes I’m curious what they’re talking about. But whenever I stop that go by when they’re talking, they’re often complaining. They’re often about school, the principal, what they don’t like. And I’m like, same thing. Well, I want to be part is here what they hear, but I don’t want to be part of their complaining because, and I don’t know, I don’t think they realize, yeah, but it’s same time, you know? I want to be there, but at same time, I want to protect myself from them complaining all the time. So I’m just trying to make sense out of all this. Where am I and how can I deal with these colleagues who’s always blah blah, complain? Yeah? So, yeah,
Kristen Carder 42:32
that’s what I’m so glad you shared this. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. And I wonder, I wonder, how many people are going to relate to this? Because I agree with you that, like relationships are the hardest part, or one of the hardest parts of having ADHD and in the workplace, it’s complicated, because you do interact with these people, you know, throughout the day, every day, but also they’re not your friends, and so it’s like, it’s really difficult to navigate. Hey, okay, are you? It sounds like you’re asking, and I just want to, like, put it into words and see if this is what you’re asking. And if not, you can correct me. It sounds like you’re asking, How do I just exist here and do what I want to do? Yeah, exactly, yeah, without letting them kind of take over my mood or my like vibe.
Heejung 43:46
Yes, yes. That’s what it is. Yeah. I mean, I have to deal with them because next year we our school is eight year anniversary, which means you have to put a concert together. And I don’t mind doing musical work, but they are often very not content? Yeah, they are just not happy people. And it does have influence. And interestingly, I have to say, I am very well received in school. The students I get along very well, yeah. And for instance, my female colleague, actually, kids don’t like them. Kids don’t like her, actually. I mean, they come like, yeah, why can you not our class? I won’t have you instead. I heard this so many times, and I think also this woman is bit jealous of this that I’m having. I think that’s also part I hate to admit it, but I think that’s part of it. I think
Kristen Carder 44:30
that’s really it’s important for you to admit that’s actually a very important admission is very important because it gives you insight into what’s happening, and it allows you to understand and then set up protections for yourself. Okay? So if you can see clearly they’re unhappy, they want to blame that on me. Me or the principal, but they don’t want to take responsibility and make changes on their own. Their kids don’t really like their classes, and they they’re I definitely agree that they’re jealous of you, and they don’t want you to succeed too much
Heejung 45:21
exactly, and that really actually burnt me down. I mean, when I hear some colleagues I got funding for 3000 euro. Oh, great, happy for you, yeah, but they couldn’t tell me once. Oh, good for you. It’s like, why did you do that? You are not supposed to do that. I’m like, Well, where am I here? Yeah, and um. And nobody else in school responded like that, except them. And they are like, holy clothes, supposedly working together. I thought something is really wrong here. I thought, you know,
Kristen Carder 45:47
I agree with you, something is really wrong. Oh, and it’s their attitude, it’s really wrong. So I This is all your sweet
Heejung 45:57
thing, yeah, it’s okay. I mean, yeah, it’s just, I sometimes think, did I do something? Okay, be informed that, but now it’s not a response. Did you even give your colleague? You know? I thought to myself, you know, anyway,
Kristen Carder 46:11
okay, let me just do a check in with you. Is your principal happy with the work that you’re doing?
Heejung 46:17
Oh, he’s, he’s, he’s, he’s excited about it. I mean, everything. He gave me the order, and sounds funny, I always fulfill it. You know what? He said, Oh, great. I would like type of school concert. I said, Okay, let me think about it. And I made this thing. And then the, oh yeah, the they’re always using us, the music teachers, to present for the school. I’m like, Well, I mean, but that’s part of being a music teacher. You, of course, you present. I mean, that’s part of it. Why do you say that he’s using us? And I just didn’t like this attitude, you know, I
Kristen Carder 46:47
would agree with you. I agree with you. Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do, okay, you and me, we’re going to firm up and get clear on what’s happening. Okay, that that’s the that’s what’s going to be useful to you in this conversation is clarity. Okay, so here are a couple things. If you were doing something wrong, your principal would come to you and say, Hey, hee Jung, you overstepped. You did something wrong. Your principal would tell you that we’re not going to gage whether or not we’re doing something wrong based on the attitude of toxic people. Toxic.
Heejung 47:29
You think this is toxic? Yes, okay, I also, but I didn’t want to say
Kristen Carder 47:35
yes, okay, some people struggle with the word toxic, we could use other words. We could use unhealthy, we could use unsafe, we could use inappropriate, yeah, okay, but this is Maggie says your co workers are Mean Girls and like, that’s, that’s what it is, right? So, like, that’s not healthy behavior, that’s not healthy interaction, that’s not that is not a co working relationship. That’s actually he Jong, stay small. Don’t make too much of yourself or your classes. Yeah, don’t. Don’t hold yourself to a high standard, because then I’m going to be having to hold myself to a high standard. I don’t want to do that. Don’t be too good of a teacher, because then the classes will like you better than they like me. Don’t make the principal proud, because then he’s going to like, want more concerts, and I don’t want to do more like, it’s all of that that’s not, that’s not safe collaborative behavior. Okay, so at work, we’re not looking for people to be our friends. It’s not, of course, it’s not that, but we are looking for collaborative relationships. Does that word translate for you? Yes. Just making sure. And so these are not collaborative relationships. Oh, yeah.
Heejung 49:12
You know, this is interesting. So I have now 10th grade, and then in our in German curriculum, 10th grade day, if it’s possible to take them to opera, which is, of course, more work for me to arrange. But I thought this is important. These kids in the countryside, their neighbor maybe have a chance go to opera. So I arranged, and last year as going to colleague, hey, I’m going to opera. You know, do you want to also join me? And basically says, No, I don’t have time. And I found that he talked behind my colleagues back, oh, the opera. He don’t want to take this is not a good opera. And I thought to myself, if he doesn’t have time to go, say I don’t have time, why does he talk badly about that? This is not appropriate. I thought this was totally appropriate. So this year, I didn’t even come. I asked him, I said, I don’t know what he’s doing. I’m taking my class End of discussion
Kristen Carder 49:56
for you. That’s the kind of energy we’re looking for. Uh, okay, more of that, not that you’re going to be rude, not that you’re going to be disrespectful, not that you will not be collaborative, because when you need to be collaborative, you will, but we are not looking to these co workers to measure your success, to measure whether or not you’re doing a good job to measure whether or not your choices are appropriate because they suck. Sorry, and we don’t let people who suck hold the standard for our success. We could stitch that on a pillow. We don’t let people who suck measure our standard of success. It’s just not that’s not something we’re going to do. So the clarity that I want to give you is like, You’re not wrong. If you were in the wrong, your principal would come and tell you, that’s how we measure whether or not you’re wrong, right? And so if your principal were to come to you and say, Hey, this isn’t okay, then, of course, then that’s something you need to work on. But that hasn’t happened. Your principal is thrilled with your work.
Heejung 51:13
Is I’m very thankful, yes,
Kristen Carder 51:15
and it’s because you’re doing a great job. I’m going to grab my whiteboard because this I just want to illustrate, and it’s not, I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna draw a very simple Venn diagram. And because I am not an artist, I’m nervous to draw two circles.
Heejung 51:34
Okay,
Kristen Carder 51:40
here’s you. Here are your co workers. Yes, okay, there is a tiny sliver in the middle where you do have to overlap, yes, okay, just the nature of your work. Sure. I want you to, after this call, sit with a Venn diagram like this and figure out what’s yours, what’s theirs, their attitudes, their perceptions, their own decisions they’re talking about. Like, all, all that’s theirs. Like, write it okay okay, and then make note and get really clear on the few things that overlap. Okay, there’s a couple things that are going to overlap, so maybe it’s we have to plan the spring concert together. I’m just making things up, but let’s just pretend, okay, something like that, that that is something that’s going to overlap. You can’t help that, but there’s a lot that’s just yours, that I don’t want them to be involved like I want I don’t want them to be in your brain about. I want you to quiet the brain chatter on the things that are just yours, we’re not going to worry about them anymore. Now this is going to take some practice, because your brain, of course, rightfully, is like, I don’t want anybody to be mad at me. I don’t want anybody to do enough with that. They’re going to be mad. They’re unhappy. They’re always mad, they’re just always annoyed, but they’re not very nice. Here’s the thing that I realized about myself, was that I was so concerned with people liking me, even people that I didn’t like.
Heejung 53:37
Oh, okay, yeah, I can Yeah, yeah, right.
Kristen Carder 53:41
And so that’s something that I had to work on really hard, and I encourage you to work on too. I don’t like it when people don’t like me, but like I don’t even like these people. They’re not even nice, they’re not even they’re not kind, they’re not consistently collaborative, they’re not even good co workers. So I’m going to work with my body to just tolerate them not liking me. Now, when my husband doesn’t like me, that’s a problem for me, when my friends don’t like me, when my principal doesn’t like me, these are things that we need to work on, right? Those are things like, okay, something’s going on here, but like these co workers, they’re not even nice, so we’re just not going to worry about they’re, they’re, they’re just, they’re not collaborative, they’re not kind. Yeah, and Dominique says it’s probably a good sign if shitty people don’t like you, love it like you’re probably doing something right. Hi, John and your students and your principal can attest to that there have. Be okay. So your job is to get clear, is to gain clarity here. Okay, what’s what’s yours to worry about? So this is your thoughts, your feelings, your specific jobs within your teaching practice, the opera, the one concert that’s yours, like all of that, this is all in your jurisdiction. What’s in your coworkers jurisdiction that you’re just you’re going to make a very clear effort to not worry about because it’s in their circle. And this is not the part that overlaps with yours. And then what are the few things here where there is overlap. I
Heejung 55:47
have a question. This is interesting. Yeah, tolerate them. Them not liking me, so just having one small instance. So end of the month, there is a very important activity that we have to present. Yeah, so there my choir is saying, and then this like band, they will be also playing. And it turns out there’s 1/5 grader, she wants me in my choir, uh huh, and then, and then, um, but she also plays like, flute. And then my colleague found out, oh, wait a minute, she went to your choir and like, Oh, I didn’t want any competition. And she asked me, yeah, but I really need her, because we have such a few people. Can she please come to rear so on this one this day, I said, Sure, sure, sure, because I didn’t want to have any conflict. And afterwards, I thought about it, wait a minute, but I do need her too. I mean, she said, let’s come to the last rehearsal. I cannot let her just go the whole time. I said, Ah, why did he say, okay, okay, sure you can take her, yeah. So that’s all from the response, because I don’t want to make her upset, you know. I said, sure you can take her. I’m like, but I thought to myself afterwards, no, actually, I mean, maybe share half and half, but actually, she’s in my cry, but she signed up for the choir, not for the band, supposedly, and things like that. You know, it’s like when I don’t want a frontal collision, but it’s little bit it’s difficult, because a kid, he she chose where to be, and it, I feel a little bit sad for my colleague, but okay, in a situation like that, often, I’m so used to just, oh, sure, sure, take that. No problem.
Kristen Carder 57:06
Yeah. And you named why I did you did name it, yeah. Why are you so quick to say, Sure, sure. Sit with that for a second. Why are you so quick to do that?
Heejung 57:18
I don’t want to have any conflict with my God, why it’s unpleasant? It’s I want to leave. I mean, I’ve been in school much shorter. I want to be in a good terms with people,
Kristen Carder 57:33
right? But how are we going to be on good terms with very unreasonable, unhappy people?
Heejung 57:41
You cannot, actually,
Kristen Carder 57:42
unless you say yes to everything, and even then they’re talking about you behind your back. Okay. Okay, so this is another this is another part where it’s like your first piece of work is to just notice how fast you are to say yes, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a it’s a full body response, and it’s protective. And I’m going to say something just real quick. It was probably learned decades ago, yes to keep you safe in certain relationships, when you were little and you needed to be safe, and the only way to be safe was to comply. Yeah, I
Heejung 58:38
think you’re right, yes,
Kristen Carder 58:40
yes, but now you are a full grown woman, and so it’s this practice, and I’ve had to do it myself. It does take a lot of practice, but it’s the practice of overriding the little self that says, Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, no problem overriding her and letting grown self come in and say, let me just sit with this for a second. Let me think about that for just a second, and then with your grown logical brain, okay, does this actually work for me? Does this actually make sense? Because as soon as you said yes, and that person left, your logical brain took over, and you were like, Wait a second. This doesn’t make any sense. Make any sense, right? And that probably happens every time, and I have done this a million bajillion times as well. So this is not, this is not just a hijang thing. This is an all of us thing. But it’s, it’s about first noticing it and self soothing, and then going back and saying, Hey, remember how I said that was fine. I actually said that really impulsively. It’s actually not fine. Actually, we actually need to, like, discuss, because this isn’t going to work, because she actually signed up for my class, not your class. So how can we, how can we navigate this? The trouble is. That you’re dealing with unhappy, unreasonable people, and what you want to do is keep the peace. And literally, the only way to keep the peace is to say yes to everything they want. And so you have to decide, am I willing to say yes to everything they want, right, right? That’s literally the only way that they’re going to be cool is if you’re just like, sure, sure, sure, sure, yes, of course, right? Here’s something that you said, you said, I don’t want to have conflict because it’s unpleasant, and I totally agree. Well, I My stomach is churning just thinking about it. But do you do? You know what is also unpleasant? It’s unpleasant to have your boundaries crossed. It’s unpleasant to have a student have to negotiate two groups that maybe that student doesn’t even want to play in the band. It’s, it’s unpleasant
Heejung 1:01:04
question. Oh, gosh, yeah, you know what I’m saying, yeah. Dominique says all
Kristen Carder 1:01:11
you got to do is sacrifice yourself and your values and your sanity. That’s all you have to do in order to to keep the peace, right? Just sacrifice yourself. Sacrifice what you think is best about your program. Sacrifice, probably sacrifice the students, right? Or we say, wait a second here. No, I know what’s best for for me and for my students. I’m a grown up here. I’m going to let them have their unpleasant response. It’s not mine to manage for them. That is a very evolved perspective. So that’s going to take some work. That’s going to take some work, but that’s the end goal, right? The end goal is, this is not mine to manage. This is not my discomfort to manage. This is her discomfort to manage. All right, I’ve said a lot of words. What are your thoughts?
Heejung 1:02:07
Yeah, you know, it makes sense. I see this relationship. It’s not just right now, the current situation, but it’s really also with our childhood, how we brought up, you know, how we are trained, and that’s an interesting I’m an adult woman. I’m 50 years old, yeah, but still, in a situation like that, my little self, my inner child of five, six years, is coming out. That’s what I’m seeing, actually, yeah, and that’s
Kristen Carder 1:02:32
such an important. Just pause there. Just really pause there for a sec. That’s so important. That’s so important for you to just recognize, oh, this is six year old Hee Jung. And listen, she needs to be protected, that six year old version of you. She needs to be soothed. She needs to be like, hey. Like, she needs to know that you’ve got her back and that you’re not going to let anything bad happen to her. Mm, hmm, right. But knowing who’s showing up in the moment. Is this grown up me, or is this little me? I know you’ve been working on finding a therapist. Is that still happening? Yeah, these are the things that you will be discussing with your therapist. Yeah, yeah,
Heejung 1:03:18
yeah, I called in. I’m waiting, but it’s I’m making progress. I’m making
Kristen Carder 1:03:21
good I’m so proud of you, I can tell you’re making progress. Oh, thank you.
Heejung 1:03:29
Thank you. Thank you. Thank No. One thing I’m taking for sure, I mean, now I thought, Do I have to make small talk with them? And I realized, no, actually, I don’t need to make any small talk.
Kristen Carder 1:03:41
They’re unpleasant. They’re unpleasant. We don’t why? No, they’re not nice, they’re not kind, no. So I want you again when we’re done here. I want you to really sit with that Venn diagram. What’s mine to manage? What’s theirs to manage? Where do we overlap? And the overlap should be very few things like actual in your job description overlap. God forbid, small talk. Doctor Ali says, not with them. I love it. All right, I’m going to let you go.
Heejung 1:04:27
You’ve thank you so much. Christine, that helped me a lot. Good work.
Kristen Carder 1:04:32
I’m really proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. All right, sending you back, honey. All right, my friends, I really hope that you enjoyed that coaching session. I hope that it gave you just an insight into what it’s like to be coached, and also, I really want you to feel hope for your future, just like I was talking to Bob that like it’s never too late for you to make change. It’s never. Too late for you to improve, to evolve, to become more of who you want to be. So I just wanted to leave you with that encouragement today, if you are interested in being coached by me or joining our focus community of hundreds of adults with ADHD from all over the world, go to I have adhd.com/focus of course, the link will be, you know, right there for you in the show notes too. Okay, I can’t wait to see you next week.
