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From snow on the roof to sand between your toes, we have all the vacation rental options covered. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay. Save over $390 this holiday season and book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only. Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I’m your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let’s chat about the frustrations humor and challenges of adulting relationships with, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you are listening to The I have ADHD podcast, episode number 53. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, and I am ready to roll. So let’s do this today. I am so pumped for you to get to know my husband, Greg Carter. He was so kind to come on the podcast and record this during COVID season. So for those of you who are not listening in real time, we’ve been stuck in our home together for about five weeks. Our kids have nowhere to go. I apologize for the sound quality of this interview. It just is what it is. But I think that hearing from from an extremely neurotypical spouse is gonna be very helpful, maybe for my listeners, for all of you who are partnered with someone who is neurotypical and hearing just the differences in his perspective. And this episode, this first episode is really just all about his first introduction to ADHD and what that kind of looked like. And really, we just laugh a lot. Next week we’re gonna be really giving some specific advice for couples that are partnered together. But for this one, it’s just a lot of laughs and I hope that you enjoy it. Here we go. Greg, thank you so much for being on the podcast. It’s my pleasure. It’s really nice to have the man of my dreams, my one true love, here to chat with everyone. Yeah, that’s a big title. It’s true. It is the truth. I appreciate that. Most days she treats me that way. Most days I do. I feel like I do. Sunday night, 8:35pm Our kids are doing what right now? They’re currently playing fortnight downstairs and in their bedroom. Yeah. And they’re so loud. Yep. We apologize if you hear them in the podcast. Really, really sorry about that. So I’m really happy to have you on today. And I’m really looking forward to people hearing your perspective. And I’m also a little bit scared. I’m not joking. I’ve never been invited to do something like this before. Giving my perspective on being married to the Kristen Carter. Kristen Carter. Can you believe it? Yeah. And for the whole world to hear. The whole world. The whole world. Are you ready? I’m so ready. Buckle up. Buckle up, peeps. Okay, first, first, before we get to the questions that I have written down here, tell us about yourself. So you what do you do and what are your hobbies? And tell us just like a little bit about who you are. Sure. I have lived in Pennsylvania for a long, long time. And we moved here with my family. My dad got a job here and so I graduated from high school here, graduated from college here, met my wife, married, live here in pa. And that’s the whole history about that. Pennsylvania. Yep. I am a youth pastor at my church. I work with middle school and high school students. And that’s. I’ve been doing that now for almost 16 years, which is pretty crazy to think about. Ice hockey is my favorite hobby. I love to play ice hockey. I’m in a men’s league, have been for the last 12 or 13 years here locally. And I just love it so much. I also enjoy fishing. Of any kind. Pretty much when I get the opportunity to fly fishing, spinner fishing. I don’t have to bore your people with that. All of the ADHD people have checked out. Yeah. At fishing. Yeah. Fishing. That’s what I’ve heard. The idea of sitting there watching your lure in the water sounds horrible to some people, but we’ll just stick to ice hockey. Very fast paced. Yeah. And how old were you when you started playing? You were tiny. I was six years old when I started skating. Oh my gosh. I can just imagine. Little six year old you. You are probably so cute. It’s been so fun. That’s awesome. Okay. And you are an enneagram9. Yep. Tell. Tell the world a little bit about being an enneagram 9. You never voice your opinion. You just suck it up and take whatever people say. You feel like you never win an argument and basically like you go to bed angry. Oh my God. Okay. I feel like you’ve evolved so much in the last five years. True. Let’s be like, how. How is it being the healthier version of yourself as an Enneagram? Okay. So honestly, some of. Okay. Many years of my life have. Were characterized by that. What I just said. Even though it sounds funny to listen to, I believe deep down in my heart, and I suppose this is the nine that comes out in me. I believe deep down in my heart that there’s a pathway to resolve every problem peacefully. That’s so cute. And I. The older I get, the more people tell me that’s not true. It’s really cute though. So sweet. Thank you. What’s it like being married to an enneagram8? If I want to debate something, I have to be willing to take it all the way to fight level and there’s no guarantee where it goes after that. Wow. Like, you gotta be ready for whatever comes back. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So I’m super easy to be married to, is what you’re saying. Well, you know, communication is. It’s just a delight. It’s. But being married to an eight is great because they definitely are. I mean, Kristen is definitely a go getter. Yeah. I mean, she’s really put herself out there, and that takes a lot of courage. And so I definitely admire that about her. And that’s been something that I’ve been able to watch and also be inspired by and have learned from. Absolutely. Being married to an eight teaches you how to speak up for yourself. Well, you have to, or else. Or else. Or else you won’t be hurt. Right, right, right, right. It’s really good. I feel like you have really channeled your 8:1 so much, even in the last year. Absolutely. Yeah. And I’m kind of like, wait, who is this person? You’re like, this is the person you’ve been begging for. That’s true. Like, he’s here. Okay. All right, great. Let’s talk about adhd. So we have some questions that we put together and then some questions that some of you sent in over Instagram. And the first question I have is, did you know anything about ADHD before we met? Was it even on your radar? No, not at all. I knew one kid in eighth grade who took medications for adhd, or I think it was add, what they called it then, or at least what they were calling it for him. And that’s all I knew. No one in my family has ever been diagnosed adhd, and I didn’t have any close friends either who. Who related to it at all, so. Nope, just you, babe. Just me. The lucky one. You do have in laws now that are diagnosed. Yeah, but that. Not when we were. Nope, not at the time. Do you remember, like, our initial conversations about it? Do you remember me talking about it? Because I am kind of having trouble placing the timeline. We started dating in 2001, I think, and I was diagnosed either that year or, like, right around there. And I really can’t remember if you knew about it or anything. I remember you going through the initial testing and then the testing came back and it confirmed was your dad who did do it first? Yeah, my dad did it first. So you were okay. I don’t remember. And then you took the test after him. Yeah. So I do remember all of that happening, but I didn’t understand it until we got married and it wasn’t until then, really wasn’t until I was living with it that I was truly able to conceptualize. I can’t wait to hear more about that. Okay, I guess that brings us to, like, when did you realize it was a whole thing? Like, what were your. What were the things that kind of. Yeah. Opened your eyes to that? Okay, so I have four instances from our first year of marriage. And I’m gonna try and keep them short for everybody listening, but I think you’ll find them a little bit humorous. So we got married, went on a honeymoon, and it was great. Magical. Magical came back. We did not live together before we got married. And so when we came back from our honeymoon, we were officially living together for the first time ever married. It was great. And so we were in the bathroom as at the end of the day, and I don’t know, I think Kristen was washing her face and I was brushing my teeth and I picked up the tube of toothpaste and I said, can you please not squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube? Can you please squeeze it from the bottom? Because that makes sense. And you looked at me with your eight eyes. Okay, okay. And I remember thinking, what did I do wrong? I thought, everybody squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube because that’s clearly the only way to do it, because that makes sense. And I found out, like, the second day of our married life, living together in a very small, little, teeny, tiny one bedroom apartment that that is not the way everybody in the world does it. And nor do they care to handle items in a way that I didn’t care about would make sense. The dang toothpaste. No, you really didn’t. I really did. So we’re not done. So about a month into our marriage, living in that tiny little one bedroom apartment above a three car garage, I would come home from work and Kristen didn’t have a job right away. And so she was home a lot, very bored. Like, she moved away from home to this new location where I had gotten a job. And so, you know, we didn’t have a lot of friendships or really much to do. So she was in the apartment most of the day. And I would come home, all of the cabinet doors in the kitchen would be open, all of them. And she would be sitting on the couch and I would look to the right at the kitchen and see all of the cabinet doors open. And then I would look to the left on the other side of the room and see her. I’d say, why? Why didn’t you close the cabinet door after you got what you needed out of it? And she said, I’ll close it if I want to. I did not say that. I did not. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did I not everyone who opens a cabinet door and gets a bowl or a plate or some Tupperware or whatever it is, closes it after they use it. I still have to think so consciously to open. I mean, to close cabinet doors after I’m done. Like, I’ve come around to it being necessary, but it is not natural. I will walk into the kitchen and be like, how are there four cabinet doors open? I know, it’s my fault. Yeah. That’s hysterical. We all know it’s your fault, too. Everyone knows it’s my fault. All good. All good. Yeah. So, you know, that kind of translated itself into. I noticed too, that, like, lids on things. Oh, yeah. You know, you don’t close the lids on things. Like, well, I’m getting better. So, like, I’ve gotten better. This is all, like I said, first year of marriage stuff. And, like, just so everybody remembers, this was me figuring it out. This was me learning exactly what it meant, what it looks like, what it feels like. And what it feels like is when you’re cleaning up dinner and you go to pick up the salad dressing, the lid looks like it’s on. But do not assume that it is screwed on, because you could pick it up and that lid could come flying right off. That’s true. And you are juggling the salad dressing now, or it’s going to spill on the floor. And so, yeah, and so those instances and the other one, which I think is pretty classic in our, like, our first year of marriage. And this didn’t happen until we bought our house, like, right at the end of our first year of marriage, we bought this. This humble little row home on the outskirts of our city. And that was when we had the keys conversation. Like, where are your keys? Yes. Where are the keys to the car? Why aren’t they in the same spot every time? Well, I remember you saying, like, why don’t you just put them in the same spot every time you’re done using them? And I was like, I have never thought about that before. I was open to it. I don’t remember fighting about that, but which. It does sound like something I would fight about, actually. So maybe I did fight about it. But I remember having the thought, like, I’ve never once in my life thought I should have a spot for my keys. Something I think about often. That’s so wild. I wouldn’t want to lose them. I’m so jealous. That’s so amazing. We have a key spot now. Yeah, it’s great. And we did, like, very shortly after that conversation. Yeah, that’s true. Got a little basket. Got a little basket. That’s true. Now, the keys don’t always find their way to the key spot. I would say, like 80% of the time. It’s a good thing we have two. Yeah, we have two car keys for each car. Yep. Yeah. Necessary. That’s a good thing. That’s totally necessary. Okay, so when we were married, that’s when you first were like, okay. And it looked like just those little annoyances, really. Now, here’s another thing that I want to bring up. Do you remember me not writing our wedding thank you notes? I don’t. I haven’t really thought about that. I think about it all the time. It’s one of the things that I, like, look back on from when I was really, like, unevolved in this whole process. I think it took me over a year to write the wedding thank you notes. And I didn’t. I mean, I wasn’t working. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have a life really at all. I was watching, well, first Regis and Kelly, and then it was the Rosie o’ DONNELL show, quickly replaced by Tony Danza, which was just like a little thing. And then the View. Like, I remember the daytime television shows that I would watch and I would sit there and look at the basket of like, think I had it all in a basket and I just could not make myself do it. And I remember you asking me one day, like, what? I don’t understand. Like, what are you doing? Like, why can’t you just. You weren’t being mean. You were genuinely asking, like, why are you not just doing it? And I’m like, I don’t know. Couldn’t tell ya. Shocking. You remember? I don’t remember. That’s good. Let’s block that memory. You’re really cute, though. Aw, thanks, babe. Okay, this is a really good question. How have we navigated your, like, questioning adhd, understanding adhd, accepting it or not accepting it? It’s been a long process. What does that looks like, do you think? Yeah. Navigating it was definitely the hardest the first couple years of marriage. And we’ve grown so much since then, which has been good. But there were some really difficult seasons of life and marriage as a result of some things. And so it. The only way to navigate it was really Just with hard work, I think, and I have. As I was thinking about this question, I thought of two different ways. So, number one, you can navigate this season by taking it personal. And I definitely went through that, where I would feel like you didn’t respect my space, respect my opinion, respect the way that I wanted things done or not done, which I’m not an overbearing person in that way, but, like, not at all. But just general, like, what I thought would be courtesies, like living together, things that I never dealt with with my family growing up, that didn’t make sense to me now, like, when you use something, you put it away is the way I grew up or whatever, but it’s different. Even if you’ve been taught that to even just manage that thought when the moment comes. And so taking it personal really only leads to some major frustration and some letdown. And so you really have to guard yourself against feeling like the person that you’re living with is doing it to you without consideration of your personal space or even just your wants and your desires, because it’s something, I think, bigger or deeper than that. I think that’s amazing. And I just want to say, also, I think there were a lot of times that you would make requests of me, and I would, like. You would say, hey, when you get the peanut butter and jelly out, how about you put it away? And I would want, like. I would agree and be like, yeah, definitely, and then just forget. And so I think that could be another thing, too, to add. Like, the requests you would make and then the good intentions on my side, but the inability to follow through. Yeah, I could see how that would be really easy to take personally. Yeah. Yeah. So I have a little bit of that wrapped in here. To my. The second part to that answer, I thought that leaving stuff out or misplacing items was, you know, and then, you know, ADHD is this and ADHD is that. I, for a while, thought it was just an excuse to be messy or an excuse to be inconsiderate. It was an excuse for everything that didn’t require any change. Like, well, I have this thing, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And so, you know, it is just is what it is, but. And I couldn’t accept that at first until there was a season of my work life where I was helping a teenage boy, and I was trying to get through to him, and he was just a tough person to understand. For me, he was on the autism spectrum, and I had never worked with anybody personally to the Level where he was. And so I would come home after work just, like, frustrated that he wasn’t responding to my questions, to general group activities that we were doing together in the group that I was working with, and he wasn’t doing the things that I wanted him to do. I don’t know if I just said that or not, but. And so one night, Chris and I, we were laying in bed just talking about it, and she was walking me through understanding this young man, and she said, you know, that he can’t process what you’re saying, like the other boys in the group can. Right. And she said it in a way that I was, like, supposed to understand it or that. That I was. It was supposed to be just kind of like an aha or like a duh. Like, how did you not know this kind of moment? But I. I didn’t. I wasn’t prepared for it. I wasn’t educated in this particular area in working and being in relationship with this person, but it definitely wasn’t obvious. Well, after spending a significant amount of time thinking and praying for this young guy, you know, hoping for the best for him, waiting for a breakthrough to occur, and processing all of my interactions with him through what Kristen was walking me through, an understanding about him. My frustrations weren’t obstacles anymore. And so the barriers that I would see with interactions suddenly didn’t lead to frustrations anymore. It led to understanding. And understanding led for me to care about him more, because instead of me getting mad about him not responding to our group activities the way that I wanted him to, I found myself moving towards him in a way that was beneficial. Not only just. I mean, I was the side to the matter, but beneficial to him. I mean, for goodness sake, he needed a mentor, and I was a mentor for him, but I was getting frustrated at him, and that wasn’t fair to him. And. And so it actually strengthened what I thought overall, our relationship. When I chose to see that there were obstacles in play that I was previously refusing to admit. Oh, that is a good word. And that then carried home. That actually gave me the tools that I needed to apply that to my marriage with Kristen. You never said that before. I had no idea. Did that just kind of happen naturally over time? It did, because you process things, process in your mind all by yourself up there all the time, constantly processing, and then you just, like, kind of work it out, and you get, like. You just come to conclusions. Mm. I don’t understand, but that’s beautiful. I love it. About two years ago, I went back on medication. After about 10 years of being off, we have three beautiful children. We have three beautiful children who I grew in my belly and sustained their life afterwards for a year or so. So, you know, happy to go off. And I was also in a very crunchy phase. True. Super crunchy, which maybe we could talk about another time. And what I mean by crunchy is like, all natural, everything clean and green. And so medication was not even on my radar. It’s not something that I wanted to take. But I did go back on medication about two years ago, and I’m just wondering if you noticed a difference. Yeah, I would say the biggest difference that I noticed was just in your overall demeanor. You used to get really frustrated about things that you were seeing on Facebook. There were definitely a lot of things that were triggering as far as opinions, opinions of things that were happening in the world that really there wasn’t an answer to or an answer for, because they were super complicated situations. But people were coming from the left and from the right with all sorts of ideas about how they were supposed to solve the world’s issues. And usually it didn’t matter from what side they were coming from. It just triggered thoughts and feelings and all kinds of reactions. So I’ve definitely noticed that medication has helped you, in just your general sense, to be able to control how you’re processing and reacting to the world around you. And I also feel like you are not getting as angry with me over little things. I agree, and I think that the kids feel that, too. We are thankful for that. We are thankful. What I mean by that is when I decided to go back on medication, it was shortly after Owen came up to me and said, mom, I just want you to be happy. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I am just a hot mess emotionally. And, you know, having kids and being interrupted all the time, it’s totally fine. It’s just the way that your life is. But I was not able to handle it. I would get so frustrated. And so that has been something that I have also noticed to be one of the biggest changes in me is just, like, my ability to regulate emotions. Yeah, for sure. And I feel much more comfortable in my own skin. I think that goes along with that. Like, I’m not having to work as hard at life. And so I have more emotional reserve, you know, to be able to give, which I’m really glad about. I want to. I think, too, a lot of the information that you’ve been sharing on this podcast with your listeners the last couple years of really just Being able to focus and to get, to just get your note, your eyes on a book and to be reading and consuming and then being able to go on to the next book and read it and, and process that information and then spit it out in a way that’s helpful to people has also been just a benefit of going on the medication. Yeah, that’s true. I hadn’t thought about that. Hi, this is Kristen. I just wanted to check back in with you. I hope that you enjoyed the first part of our conversation. I hope that you can see the stark differences in our personalities and how we’ve really had had to literally fight our way through our marriage in order to make it work and in order to make it fun. We work really, really hard on making it fun. And I just wanted to circle back around to a couple things. First of all, next week I’m going to be posting the second half of our conversation, which goes into a lot more detail about how to cultivate a healthy relationship between a neurotypical human and an ADHD human. So I really hope that you will tune back in for the second half of our conversation. I really enjoyed the depth that we got to in that half of the conversation and I think that it’s going to be really, really helpful to you. And second, I want to make sure to highlight one of the points that Greg made, which was working hard to not take things personally. Hey, if you are the spouse that does not have adhd, or if you’re the person in the relationship that does not have adhd, I want to let you know that your ADHD partner is not trying to do something to make you angry. Your ADHD partner is not trying to be obnoxious. They’re not trying to be forgetful. They’re not trying to lose things. They’re not doing it on purpose. And if you can just believe that, like, don’t take their word for it, take my word for it, or you could take Dr. Barclay’s word for it or any other psychologist or psychiatrist’s word for it, that will really, really, really help you to understand them and it will make the pathway to love a lot easier. It’ll make all of the feelings so much less tense. And if you can get to the point where you’re just like laughing about it instead of feeling offended about makes life so much better. Now, if you are the ADHD partner, it really is your job to first not be offended by your own shortcomings. That’s the first job. Like, I know you’re doing crazy stuff like Leaving cabinet doors open and losing important things like your wedding ring and forgetting to pick the kids up at the right time. And your work is to not be offended by your own shortcoming. And then once you can work on that, you can help your spouse to also just see it as part of who you are. This is part of how your brain works. And you still are an amazing, valuable, lovable human being. You’re just going to, like, do really weird things sometimes. Like, let’s be honest, you’re going to leave a trail, you’re going to lose things, you’re going to forget things, and that is the way your brain’s going to work. But hear me, your spouse is not going to get it and they’re not going to accept it and understand it until you do. So that’s your work. If your work is not to convince them, your work is to just start accepting it on your own. Okay, I hope that makes sense. I cannot wait to chat with you again next week. I’ll see you then. Bye. Bye. If you’re being treated for your adhd, but you still don’t feel like you’re reaching your potential, you’ve got to join Focused. It’s my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you’ve always, always wanted. No matter what season of life you’re in or where you are in the world, Focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the info.
