Kristen Carder 0:05
Kristen, welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. Thank you so much for being here with me today. I am so looking forward, as usual, to the conversation that I get to have with Dr Michael, felt it is going to be a good one. I am so glad that you decided to press play on this podcast. We will not waste your time. This will be worthwhile. So stay tuned as we get rolling. You know that I’m going to ask you to press the like button, hit that rating button, five star, please. That would be great any kind of interacting that you can do with this podcast. Here’s what it does. Number one, it gives Kristin Carter a major dopamine hit, which matters. My dopamine deficiency is very severe, so if you could give me a little bit that would be amazing. Number two, what it does is it makes it so that other ADHD ers will find this podcast and get the information that they are craving, that they are needing, conversations like the one I’m gonna have today, where we’re going to bring you some extremely useful and research based information on ADHD and all of the things that it takes to function at like, at least, like, let’s just function with this, shall we? And maybe even we could get to thriving. That would be amazing. So thank you so much for being here. I’m so pleased to welcome my guest, Dr Michael felts, he is an ADHD and executive functioning specialist who has lectured at Yale University School of Medicine and is a professor at Columbia University, where he teaches psychopathology and he co directs the cognition and neuroscience lab with Dr Richard Waxman. Dr felt is renowned for his revolutionary cycles of clarity technique, which we’re going to be talking about today. So eighth deer cycles of clarity, you’re going to want to stay tuned for that. And he’s empowered hundreds of people to create their own clarity, confidence and control, and that’s exactly what we’re talking about on the show today. Dr felt thank you for being here.

Dr. Felt 2:42
It’s my pleasure. Love talking about myself, and also love talking about the cycles of clarity. Perfect.

Kristen Carder 2:46
You wouldn’t have ADHD if you didn’t love talking about yourself. So can you tell us a little bit about you?

Dr. Felt 2:53
Sure? I don’t even know where to start. I guess I can start from the beginning all the way the beginning. Yeah, same way the Bible starts, and in the beginning there was me, and, yeah, it was pretty creepy. There was a lot of craziness that was going on. And my poor mom was actually on bed rest when I was learning to walk Poor her. Wow, that’s sad, yeah. And I had full range of the house, like, you know the expression, like free range, kids. So like, free range ADHD kids, it’s like, way, way, way crazier, yeah. So that was a lot of fun. School also tried to contain me. Wasn’t really I was like, a mixed bag. Some Yes, some No, yeah. I’ve never really had such a, like, positive experience in the sense of feeling like I was contained, understood, um, all the stuff that everyone else with ADHD is probably experienced in their childhood, just like no one really getting us, yes, so that was kind of like, in a way, it’s formative, because that becomes our experience, is that people don’t get us or I’m different, and then that kind of became a Part of How I identified myself is I’m different, and suddenly, now that I’m an adult and realizing that there’s so many other, millions of people just like me who are also unique and different, just like me, but it still feels good. So childhood was, like, kind of interesting, kind of figuring that out, and I guess it tick. It took a lot of therapy to, like, kind of go back and retroactively, heal that yeah, and find this acceptance that I’m talking about now, as if I’m fully healed, totally the best, totally, totally healed. But on the other hand, it’s like I still struggle with my insecurities. I think, just like everyone else with ADHD, because of a lifetime of growing up being inadequate, not getting what’s going on, just wondering how the heck everyone else is able to just be normal and get stuff done and so like that still plagues me every now and then, yes, more now than then, but that’s kind of the way I identify myself, as just another unique and. Special person with ADHD who’s struggling to accept myself in a society that’s still working on it.

Kristen Carder 5:05
When were you diagnosed?

Dr. Felt 5:08
Like, when did my parents know, like, when I ran away from home three times before I was six? Or when did I get like, a label? When did from a doctor?

Kristen Carder 5:16
When did you realize you had ADHD? So I

Dr. Felt 5:20
didn’t realize anything. Because even as a kid, when they gave me the diagnosis and the meds, which my dad was pretty nice about it, right? You know, the whole dopamine deficiency thing and, like, you just need a little pill to make a little bit, you know, it’s like, wow, taking kind of like having diabetes, and need to get insulin shot. That was nice. But I guess, from six, yeah, I’ve been medicated since six. Okay, it’s been great.

Kristen Carder 5:45
It’s been great, yeah, what? What has medication given you?

Dr. Felt 5:49
Life? Say more. I just feel like on days that I don’t like, I’ve been through that phase where I’m like, I don’t want something to control me, yeah, and so then I don’t take the meds, I feel like, floppy or like, I find myself buying another two pairs of Uggs that I don’t need, and I’m just like, I can’t really get myself to be as productive as I want to be. So even though, with the meds, I’m always nauseous and have this, like, appetite issues and, like, I get these weird, like, like flutters of blood pressure and weird places on my body, and then I try to show people, what are you? What are you showing me? Look, look, my arm shaking. Hi, ADHD, is that like bro? But I feel like it’s worth it, because it’s the price of productivity. For me,

Kristen Carder 6:45
I feel like we could stitch that on a pillow, put that on a t shirt, put it on a billboard, like the price of productivity, because the like, every pharmaceutical is going to have good and bad that comes with it. And the question is always, do the benefit, do the benefits outweigh the costs, right? And so when you say it’s the price of productivity, the benefit outweighs the cost for

Dr. Felt 7:09
me, right? And I think that you had a good point, which is like, that’s with any pharmaceutical out expand that a drop and say it’s like with anything in life, there are people in our lives who are more benefit, and some of them are more harm, right? There are things in life that we do that are more benefit or more harm, and then we have to constantly be evaluating, is this something that’s more helpful for me or more hurtful for me?

Kristen Carder 7:31
What I’m so curious about with you is you’ve been extremely successful. How have you managed and at what cost? Ooh,

Dr. Felt 7:40
tough question. I’ll split them into two separate questions. One, how did I manage? And then at what cost? How I manage is by being super in touch with myself, constantly aligning my behavior, with my values. Every single Saturday night I sit down and I plan my week. Since I was 16 years old. I plan out I have a whole like system. I have it like the felt five. It’s five questions that I ask myself, and it’s really set me on, like my path, and then, like every beginning of the year, like, for instance, now we just finished the Jewish New Year, right? So there’s Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. So, like, that’s about, like repentance is, which is really the idea of refreshing, right, being able to restart. So I try to take advantage of these, like, kind of set times in the year. For me, religion provides structure, and I try to take advantage of it. So I’ll sit down at the beginning of every year and I’ll plan out, Hey, so what I want from this year, like, in a way, for me, repentance is reconnecting, and that’s what it’s about. It’s about a relationship, and me reconnecting with that relationship and strengthening that relationship and recharging it. So it’s a relationship, both to myself and with my Creator, and it’s something that’s deeply meaningful for me. So it’s like, it’s empowering, as I sit down to do, because I feel connected to something greater. And even if, like, for all the atheists out there are people who don’t necessarily share this, that’s fine, it’s still connecting to myself, and that, also I find, has tremendous value for me. And so I’ll sit down and I’ll plan out, what do I want from this year? It’s very much Stephen COVID, like, begin with the end in mind. I have this little Squish, like a squishy butt that says, but first, like, B, U, T, T, first get it begin with the end in mind. And I use that but first for like, when I want to, like, you know, just totally rock some avoidance, but we’re having to do work, like, checking the news again right before having to get a paper done. Then I have this, like, little squishy as stress thing that says, like, but first. And then I remind myself, but first, do the effing assignment for the report, then check the news. I’ll even like something I call self seduction, is where I’ll tell myself, let’s just do one line. One line’s

an easy ask, right? Just get in here with that one line. Yeah, not bad. Then once

I’m there, like you. I do some push ups also, right? My wife was like, watching me do pushes like, how much was that? It’s like, Ah, just 20. She’s like, why? I was like, Well, I tell myself just two, yeah. And then two is pretty easy. But once I’m on the floor, it’s kind of like, all right, fine. I’ll crank out another 20, right? So it’s a similar idea, where once I have a clear idea where I want to be, then I could seduce myself to get there by doing those itty bitty steps until eventually I could land at where I always wanted myself to end up. So it’s really like this combination of both utilizing this, like, big picture, long term planning with some very efficient, like short term self seduction.

Kristen Carder 10:37
Okay, so let’s talk about self seduction for a second, because I think myself as like an oppositional person. When

Dr. Felt 10:48
I tell me more about that,

Kristen Carder 10:51
I would get angry at myself for trying to trick myself to do more well. I love that you brought that up. Yes, do you ever experience that

Dr. Felt 10:59
that’s a real thing. In fact, personal integrity is super important. And not only that, as an aside, when I do the whole like, incentives with myself, then I’m extra like, I have if I told myself I was gonna get a donut for, like, doing I buy the even if I’m not gonna eat it, yeah? But it’s I’m all about being honest with myself, yeah, and so I owe it to myself with this is a great question that other people have asked me to which is, but I don’t like lying to myself, but it’s not because, if you think about it, right, you know your brain knows your soul knows that you really wanted to get the whole paper done, but you also knew that your outlaw brain wasn’t gonna listen to you to say, All right, let’s go do this huge project. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Overwhelm. Here we come, right? But instead, we needed to break it down. So in a way, this is reinforcing our personal integrity, because it’s saying that, and I know how to get myself to do things. I just need to do it slow and steady a little bit at a time. And in a way that self compassion allows us to have a more holistic personal integrity, which is that I see myself not just black and white as do I do it? Do I not? It’s not about forcing myself to do things. Sometimes I’m allowed to treat myself like I would treat another person with respect. And

Kristen Carder 12:11
I do love the idea of like, getting started can be some of the hardest work. So if I do get myself started, like, for example, with the push ups, which I don’t do, but I want to be a person who does, but I don’t do them. But if I were to get myself down on the ground and be like, just do two, I would be like, Well, I’m already here. I might as well, like, and so it would be consent, like, there would be consent there for me to keep going. Yeah,

Dr. Felt 12:37
I like that point. Yeah, it is consensual in a way. And same thing with seduction, right? Like there has to be a certain consent, and so that’s what I think is the key difference right between forcing yourself to do push ups versus getting consent to do push ups, in a way, I think that you just gave me some clarity and a little bit more insight, which is that maybe in my own internal dialog with myself, to kind of give myself a second or a drop of space to allow myself the consent to continue with the rest of the push ups. I love that. I’ll forget this tomorrow, but I think it’s fine.

Kristen Carder 13:07
It’ll be recorded so you can come back to it. Oh yeah, that’s great. Okay, so at what cost? Okay, so now

Dr. Felt 13:15
question, the cost is a tremendous amount of loneliness. I sometimes feel like I’m living a different life than the people around me. Yeah, I don’t know other people who sit down to plan their week. Yeah, I don’t know anyone else who carries around what they’re supposed to do that week in their pocket. I don’t know other people who are constantly asking themselves, is this part of my long term plan? Is this something that I want to be doing now, I also don’t know if other people have the same acceptance of themselves when they screw up things so many times again and again in the same way each time, going like, Why did I do that? I don’t know. I don’t know, and so therefore it makes it hard for me to feel connected to those around me. I’m very lucky I have a super supportive and accepting wife who does provide that for me, and that’s allowed me to grow and really like explode in terms of success and potential. And I think that if anyone is lucky enough to make themselves into someone that a supportive, kind of kind loving, reasonable and rational person would want to hang around with, that could be a tremendous asset for us, because then it really gives us that space to not have to live in that isolation and to get that crucial support we really desperately need. So the cost really is both that social isolation, where they kind of sometimes feel like this is a unique life that only I have to live in my own weird way. And the second cost is the thing you brought up, that constant self criticism, yeah, because I know all the stuff that I should have done but didn’t do, the fact that like I’ve had on my list to clear my desk for the past two weeks. You know what that looks like? And. Uh, it like weighs on me a lot. And I carry this weight of so many unfinished to do’s, unfulfilled dreams, projects, responsibilities like I was supposed to. I even have a little like card that says respond to and then all of their names with little boxes next to it to check off how. And then I have a thing right next to which is estimated time to completion. So I like bracket off like 20 seconds, right? Or 32 seconds. It’s been sitting there for a week. It takes 30 seconds to respond to someone say, hey, got your email. I would love to hang out. Happens to be this week doesn’t work for me. But right, keep trying, right, right? But like, I haven’t done that. So now what that does is that pushes away people even more, reinforcing that social isolation. Yes.

Kristen Carder 15:40
Gosh, I resonate with that so much. And I think that so many, like, especially high achieving ADHD ers, relate to the loneliness and the isolation and the I feel like I’m the only one in this position, the position of like, maybe wanting to make the plan, or even just like setting myself time alone to do x, y, z, it is. It can be very isolating. And I think too. I don’t know if you resonate with this, but like the healthier in relationships, I find myself becoming the more isolated then as well, because there’s, I don’t know if this is relevant, but the healthier that I find myself becoming, the less that I’m willing to tolerate, which means there’s

Dr. Felt 16:35
Thank you. Tell me what that means, the healthier I am becoming so

Kristen Carder 16:40
as I get to know myself more, as I’m more aligned with my values, as I understand what is safe behavior and unsafe behavior, then there is less that I’m willing to kind of put up with, and just like my everyday life, where I’m saying, maybe we’re gonna have some boundaries around this, or maybe that’s just really not exactly a healthy interaction. And there are a lot of people that are just not on the same pathway, and that’s okay. They don’t have to be, but it is

Dr. Felt 17:13
okay. Back up a drop. I’m trying to understand I took it in a really weird direction. Perspective. No, no. This was, like, super cool, because it’s making me think we so as you find yourself and accept yourself more, you develop less of a tolerance for people encroaching on your boundaries, and people have any of those kind of behaviors that we normally would put up with when we have a lack of self, a lesser self,

Kristen Carder 17:38
and yes, and I’m also people pleasing less. That’s nice, which is nice, but people enjoy being people pleased, right? And so and so. It has been an interesting and the like the word that you use, lonely and isolating, that’s where, for me, that’s where that’s showing up, is like, wow, when I stop people pleasing, when I am more aligned with myself, when I really know what my values are and I’m pursuing them and aligning with them on a daily, weekly basis, there are fewer relationships that kind of Like, make sense.

Dr. Felt 18:20
That’s so interesting, I’m also feeling tremendous sadness for you, because it also means that so many of those relationships may not necessarily appreciate all of you, or those parts of you, the deeper, more sincere parts of you. And I could relate to that in the way that I feel like when I was younger, also, I had relationships with all sorts of folk who enjoyed the zaniness and the craziness and what I consider to be the lesser parts of me, yes, the less intentional parts of me. And I’m now thinking, as you’re talking, I wonder if I was being used, meaning that people, just like having the fun ADHD, are around, because then we’re the center of attention. We take the pressure off them, we provide entertainment. Do you know that song by Nirvana, right? With a guy screams out, I feel like that a little bit. Oh,

Kristen Carder 19:16
my goodness, that is such a word, because I think so many of us ADHD ers who have that. I mean, there are so many varieties variety of ADHD, right? And not everyone with ADHD is like fun and loud and like the the silly one, but I definitely did fill that role. And it sounds like that was something that you did as well. And I agree with you 100% that it was, it’s not necessarily your highest self, it’s not necessarily the version that you want to be known by. And how many of us are putting that out there to kind of fill a role, and not necessarily using it as authenticity? And and then, are we truly connecting, or are we just filling a role?

Dr. Felt 20:05
I like that. It also helps us, or at least helps me, value those who stick around and the people who appreciate the more intentional us, the long term us,

Kristen Carder 20:21
the aligned, yeah. What does it look like for you to align with self? So you said that like on a daily basis? I think you said weekly. You’re aligning with self. Let me preface the question by saying, I interact with a bunch of ADHD ers on a daily basis. I think you do as well. And one of the things that I hear from them regularly is I don’t really know myself. I don’t really know what my values are. I don’t really know who I am. And so aligning with self, I believe, is our deepest work, and it seems as though many of us have not been fully developed in that way. And so as adults now we’re saying, like, wait a second, who am I? What do I want? What are my values? So what does it look like for you to align with self? I

Dr. Felt 21:13
love this and like, I’m totally gonna make a shameless plug for my book where I write this out and I spell out how to align with self. I call it like a personal Constitution. It really begins with two principles, which I feel like are. There’s really three principles for like being successful with ADHD, honesty, humility and hard work. It really starts with honesty, because without being honest with ourselves, it’s hard to be humble, and without being humble, it’s hard to work. So I feel like our greatest asset can be ourselves, but only when we can be honest with ourselves, which is why I also touched when you were talking about your personal integrity thing, because I feel like that being in touch with yourself is one of those cores of being honest with ourself. It begins with that. So it would be asking ourself, like, hey, that party where I totally was the life of the party, was that my best self? Was that who I wanted to be? And it could be uncomfortable, because there’s a part of us that wants to feel like we’re good and we’re awesome, and everyone loves us, and we’re just so awesome the best. But as this came to once I start, I can’t stop. I really it’s a problem, and that for like, looking at ourselves, we want to feel like we’re the best. We want to feel like we’re awesome, but that itself is a distraction and an escape from who we really are. We’re not the best, yeah, we’re pretty good. Yeah, we’re hopefully good enough, and maybe we could be like better, but we don’t have to be the best, like we could just be good enough, yeah, and that acceptance allows space for humility, to recognize that, like, we could just be good enough, and that’s okay, which then liberates us and empowers us to put in the hard work, because we don’t have to shoot for the best. We don’t have to be exceptional. We don’t have to be like, the most awesome ever. We really don’t we could just be us. Yeah, and like, going back to like, the friends thing, those friends who could accept us for us, are usually the ones we feel safest with. And it’s just such a yummy place to be.

Kristen Carder 23:27
It’s so yummy. Can you tell me a little bit about the work that you do? It’s pretty extensive, yeah.

Dr. Felt 23:33
So it really dovetails very nicely with this whole concept, which is, how do you align with yourself and that, because it requires that honesty, humility and hard work, it really makes it so much easier for us if we have a way to create that clarity, right? So like, for the people who are like, confused, who am I? Who am I really? What do I really stand for? Those are real questions, and the fact that you’re asking that is an amazing place to start. That’s so good. It means you have a beating heart, a beating soul with that’s like the flicker of consciousness is in there. And the way to blow those embers and to make them like, to really just allow ourselves to become inflamed with passion for what like we really believe in, is through clarity, clarity, clarity, clarity. How

Kristen Carder 24:25
the hell does an ADHD or get clarity? Let

Dr. Felt 24:27
me make your question stronger. Go. Let’s do a little neuroscience. 101, we know that our prefrontal cortex right is always overloaded and bombarded by a million different pieces of incomplete information overwhelm right? Incomplete information over and we have a ton of stuff that we like, kind of basically got some sort of it. Then we sort of it, then we moved on to the next thing. So it’s just very overwhelming, and there’s so much going on. How the heck is that person supposed to create clarity? Yeah, that’s really hard, right? Yeah. So the answer is to have a tried and true structure that you can keep going to each time. That’s both structured. Enough that we could rely on it, but flexible enough that we could depend on it, yeah, you lost me at structure. What do you mean? Ask a question. I but I think

Kristen Carder 25:09
that you clarified it by saying structured enough that we can rely on it, flexible enough that depend

Dr. Felt 25:15
on it, because you need it to be able to handle anything. If it only works for certain things, then it’s just gone, like the to do list you bought from, like Franklin COVID Institute, or, like the palm pilot or whatever, like, dumb thing. Remember that? Like, where we tried to organize our lives, and it just didn’t work out because they were too rigid, even Asana, all these things, I tried them right? Asana Trello, just like, Ah, okay, I don’t know where to put this thing in, which bond it’s too rigid. If it’s too structured, it doesn’t work for us.

Kristen Carder 25:47
Okay, so what kind of pardon

Dr. Felt 25:49
is your question? So how do you do it? Yeah,

Kristen Carder 25:52
which is very broad. I know that’s too broad of a question, but how are some of the ways that you help ADHD ers to gain that clarity.

Dr. Felt 26:01
Thanks for redirecting me. You’re welcome. The answer is, by doing the felt five or whatever the five questions love felt five, what are they? Felt five are, and I’d love if anyone listening could totally just grab a pen and put them down, ready. First one is, what is my goal? That could be anything from I want to lose weight or two, and you get this paper done right? Then, this is the most important. The least sexy part of it is clarify my why, yeah, why do you want to do that? Well, I want to lose weight so I could fit into bathing suit for the summer, or I want to get this paper done so I don’t fail my class, right? Whatever it may be, right? You need to clarify my why. The reason is because this is what generates the dopaminergic responses inside our head that says, ooh, reward here. I want that, right? And so we’re kind of trying to, like, get our brain to salivate in a way for this goal. Can

Kristen Carder 26:53
I interrupt you? Is that? Is that connected to seduction, self seduction? Because that’s what that sounds like, yes, it’s so

Dr. Felt 27:01
good. Really asking ourselves, what’s in it? For me, yes, it’s so good.

Kristen Carder 27:05
Okay, clarify the why is number two,

Dr. Felt 27:08
three, then question number three. And I usually like having them like, kind of opposite each other, almost like, like a cross. So you have a line down the middle, and then another line across the top, sure. And so on one side is Question three, which is, what’s in my way? Game changer, right? Yeah, and the second, like the question number four, is, how can I beat this? Or the way my daughter does it pick a bit, which is she just shortens it to the first letters of each one. And but the idea is, when we ask ourselves, what’s in my way, we’re taking ourselves out of that, like fight flight or freeze amygdala zone, and we’re moving back into problem solving prefrontal cortex, okay, what’s in my way? Instead of, ah, can’t deal. I just, I just can’t deal. Yeah, we can now actually start looking at, well, which parts of it are, like, what’s in my way? Yeah, it reframes the whole thing and turns more willingly, turns on our brain. And so then on the next question you’re able to then answer yourself, how can I beat this? And you just do it one line by line, right? So if what’s in my way is we always have donuts at home. So then I guess the solution would be like, maybe talk to mom about not always having donuts around, or if we need to have them, because dad needs donuts, then maybe we could leave them in a top shelf where I can’t see them fine. Or, let’s say something that’s in my way is I don’t know where to start researching for this project. Ooh, great question. So then in the How can I beat this? Ask Josh, yeah, he knows everything in class. So let me just text him. Then the final question is, when we bring it down to reality, which is, what’s the next physical action I need to do to get this started? I just call it MPa, next physical action. What do I need to do to start? And it literally means the next physical action. Pick up my phone and text Josh, Yo, bro, good. Where do I start for this research project, right? Or, Hey, Mom, then you say I could do that, right? Self seduction, bam. It’s like you have this giant goal of, I want to lose weight, right? And it, or, let’s say, I want to start this huge project, right? Or this giant paper. I want to write it. Why do I want to write it? Because I want to just get this over with, so that I could have a decent like mid winter break and not have it weighing on me, right? Or so that I could pass the class. Okay? What’s in my way? I don’t know where to start, right? I don’t know what books to look up. Okay, so I had the answer is, okay, I’m gonna start by making an outline. That was number one in terms of books. I’m gonna text Josh. Next physical action is, open up a Word doc, right click Word doc, put in outline for project. And then the second thing is, I’m gonna text Josh, and then I often add that little timestamp at the end. How long will it take you to start that outline, usually 12 seconds right? Or to text Josh, three and a half seconds, if you’re really good with Qwerty, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that’s it done. You can have this giant goal that comes down to this tiny little thing. And hey, I could do that. Wasn’t all that bad. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 30:00
It is such a perfect way to to break down the overwhelm, like and cut through all of the noise. That’s what that sounds like, for me, is like cutting through the noise, creating clarity. Yeah, man, that’s good, amazing. In what capacity do you work with? ADHD ers? Are you a coach? Are you a therapist? Like, tell me about all the above, basically,

Dr. Felt 30:23
like, I think we spoke about in the beginning, right before the show. Sorry, yes, we spoke about how awesome coaches are, and what are the advantages of being a coach, is that you could really push people to be who they want to be. And I feel like with ADHD, we need more of that, as opposed to, like, a therapist, where there’s a tremendous need for therapy because of that whole self acceptance thing and being able to kind of work through the self compassion and, like, even basic social skills, right? But there’s also, like, a tremendous burden that we carry, of like, the lifetime of inadequacy and shame and all those relationships that we were disappointments in. So there’s a tremendous space for therapy that I think helps that absolutely but in terms of, like, productivity, I feel like coaching is the best thing to do that. So again, it’s a 212 punch, right? You need the therapy to kind of unlock, or like, kind of break open those parts of us that might be too scared to move forward or not accepting of ourselves enough, and then the coach to kind of push us there, where we need to get to. Now, there are some folks who are good, and they’re great, right? They don’t need any of the therapy stuff. Sweet as they go coaching all the way, right, right? And so what I do is I’ll try to determine based off of the needs of the person, what they need or what they want, right? Somebody their choice, so they can tell me what they want, and I’ll do whatever works. Isn’t

Kristen Carder 31:45
coaching so fun though? Oh, it’s so much fun.

Dr. Felt 31:48
It’s so much fun. Get to yell at

people, and they like it. Thank you. Thank you. I

Kristen Carder 31:53
maybe yell at people a little bit. That’s

Dr. Felt 31:55
the yellow smile. Say it again. You have to yell with a smile. I

Kristen Carder 31:59
yell with a smile. And I do have, like, the mom eyes, I have three kids, and I will be like, oh, you know, like even the big, the big mom eyes, which I think is important, very important, especially

Dr. Felt 32:10
if you just viewed it from that therapeutic perspective. It’s very reparative. It’s like a positive, encouraging, I believe in you. Mom, yes, rather than what most of us have to go through, which is a why? Can’t you just do your homework? Mom, yes,

Kristen Carder 32:23
oh my goodness. What was it like for you in your family? Do you mind talking about that a little

Dr. Felt 32:29
bit? Sure. So my dad has ADHD, okay, but he grew up in England, okay, no offense England, but they’re like, 40 years on, like, almost everything so, like, he didn’t know, he didn’t know what’s called, what it was, or like, and I’m pretty sure they just basically beat him to get him to, like, pay attention, and this and that, and in the schools, yeah, duh, it’s England. Bring out the hickory stick. That’s England. It’s craziness. That’s why I don’t visit there anymore. I was just like, No, no, no, I’m not going backwards in time, no. But again, thanks for discovering America. That was great. We love you for that awesome. But we got this from here. So the point is,

Kristen Carder 33:14
British listeners, we adore you, and we just start sending hugs. Moving on

Dr. Felt 33:21
and T and T. So the point is that for my dad, he kind of had to figure it out on his own, yeah? And he was really supportive, meaning he would help me break things down. I still remember, like, for tough glasses, he was the principal of school, which is really awkward, wow. But he would say, tell me what, tell me what’s going on, or tell me the class, like, what’s what are you learning now? Yep, no, hard. That is for a guy who’s just, like, sitting there spacing out in glass. It meant that I had to, like, actually think, yeah. But that kind of allowed me to piece together little bits of here and there, and empowered me to actually work hard and get the stuff I needed to do amazing. So that was really helpful. My dad was also the one who, like, told me to keep a journal. Just keep writing everything in there. What part of you

Kristen Carder 34:07
listen to him? Because, I mean, so many of us at each year is people say, Keep a journal, keep a schedule, write, write down your goals, make a list. And we’re like,

Dr. Felt 34:15
Yeah, I think the answer is relationship.

Kristen Carder 34:18
Oh, say, more

Dr. Felt 34:19
meaning when people are telling us it’s like, when you’re like, pushing your baby outside and go that kid, they need a coat. Yeah? Thank you. Have a good day when you push this kid through in labor, you could tell me what to do, yeah, right, okay, right. But it’s that person doesn’t have relationship with us. So we say, Okay, right? Or even in people who do have relationships with us, it’s not an empowering relationship that has enough acceptance capital in the relationship for me to be able to rely on you.

Kristen Carder 34:45
Acceptance capital, Yeah, huge. So you had your dad had. Acceptance capital,

Dr. Felt 34:52
Yea, because I felt like he got it, beautiful, he got me. That was the most important thing. I needed to feel like you get me, if you get me, i. I’ll value what you have to say, because I I kind of feel like that’s something that’s not a so dangerous and threatening, but B might actually be in my best interests.

Kristen Carder 35:13
I’m just soaking all of that up. I just love that, and I think it says so much for for your family, your dad, but also, like, if we want to have influence in our friends, lives, in our kids, lives, in our spouses, lives like it’s the acceptance capital building their trust in our acceptance of them, yeah, and then being able to speak into their lives with some truth. Yeah, I’m on a health kick right now, and my kids are so annoyed at me. I’ve changed the type of rice and pasta and bread that we eat at home. I’ve even eliminated all breakfast cereals from the house. No more Captain Crunch or cinnamon toast crunch to be found in the Carter home. It’s a true ADHD hyper focus for me right now. But one thing that I’ve stuck with, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop taking, is ag one i Kristen Carter, an adult with ADHD, have been able to be consistent with taking ag one every single day for a long time. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up the morning, before coffee, before anything. It literally takes me about 60 to 90 seconds to just scoop it into some cold water, shake it up and drink it. It really is so easy. And I’m traveling with my family to Indiana for the holidays. We’ll be staying in a hotel, eating out for a lot of our meals, and generally partaking in lots of non healthy activities, which is fine, because balance, you know what I’m saying, and I know that I can stay consistent with ag one thanks to their travel packs. I’m just going to pop six travel packs into my shaker, slip that baby into my travel bag, and done. It’s so simple I don’t even have to think about it. So I encourage you this new year if you want to do one thing to improve your health as an adult with ADHD, try ag one for yourself. It’s the perfect time to start a new healthy habit, and that’s why I’ve been partnering with aging one for so long. And listen to this. Ag one is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you’ll get a welcome kit, a bottle of d3, k2, and five, free travel packs, just like I’m going to be using over the holidays. You’ll get all of that in your first box. So make sure to check out drink a G one.com/i have ADHD to get this offer that’s drink a G one.com/i, have ADHD to start your new year on a healthier note. Tell me about the cycles of ambiguity that you use with your clients, because that is paramount

Dr. Felt 37:50
and totally the first place to start. So the cycles of clarity include, think of it like a bicycle, right? There’s the front wheel, which, I call it the cycle of ambiguity, which is basically what directs us in whatever direction we end up going. You’ll see why soon. And then the back wheel, which is the cycle of agency. Now, the middle pedal part right the chain, that’s the felt five. But the cycle of ambiguity is that because of our like, overworked prefrontal cortex, we’re constantly dealing with this, like incoming wave of incomplete information overwhelm Therefore, most of our life, most things are kind of ambiguous, depending on the level of significance of the thing that’s ambiguous, like pistachio ice cream or chocolate, is not going to cause the same amount of anxiety as, let’s say, How do I ask her out on a date? Or, like, I don’t know what I want to do for my career, that kind of ambiguity would make a much greater level of anxiety, of like, nervousness, of discomfort that I don’t really know what to do, and that feels uncomfortable. So it starts off with ambiguity and goes almost instantly straight to anxiety. And we all know that the stepsister of anxiety is avoidance, because none of us like being there, right? And the first thing we do as soon as we have something we’re ambiguous about is, yeah, pull out that phone and just avoidance away, yeah. And the cycle is a cycle, because then the more we avoid figuring out how to ask her out, right, the more ambiguous we are about that thing, right? And then we’re constantly in this cycle, and unfortunately, that is the front wheel of the bicycle, because that’s where we, most of the times, end up going, is wherever our avoidance drives us, yes.

Kristen Carder 39:28
Oh, I love that. Love okay. And then you have the felt five as the bicycle chain,

Dr. Felt 39:34
right? Which is what gets the power to the cycle of agency. The cycle of agency is how you fix the cycle of ambiguity, right? So now that we’ve accepted that, hey, this is my brain, and I’m in this constant state of ambiguity, right? Which means confusion, right? And like, lack of clarity. So how do I get myself to actually create this clarity? And so the way you create that clarity is number one, acceptance. You’ll notice both cycles have all A’s this way I could remember. It. And I think that’s cute. So the cycle of agency starts with acceptance. This is actually Ari Tuckman addition to my cycle, because I thought it was going to start with the next thing called acuity, which is creating clarity. And Ari pointed out, and it’s such an insightful point that really, it begins with acceptance, and literal like neuro physiological acceptance, just being able to go, that’s me, right? It reduces the neuro physiological arousal that’s like putting us in that fight, flight or freeze mode, and allows our brain to come back on by us creating clarity and asking ourselves, well, what could we do about it? Right? Or the felt five right? Oftentimes, My general advice for how to create clarity in that stage of acuity is to zoom out. Just let’s zoom out, see the big picture, right? So I really want to ask her out. If I ask her out like a nerd, is that the end, will I die? No, I’ll feel like I’d rather the ground swallowed me up, right? But I won’t necessarily die. I might look stupid, which is true, and I’ve done a lot of things that make me feel stupid. But if I could spin the feeling stupid into something cute, maybe I can make this work. Yeah? So the zooming out oftentimes helps us realize, like it’s not the end of the world, which reduces that like fight flight or freeze thing that neurophysiological arousal. What’s really happens when you’re feeling your heart going like this? We’re not in our best thinking space, yeah. So it goes from acceptance, which is calming our body down. I like doing the 363, seconds in, six seconds out. That’s it. I’ll have to do a lot sometimes, like even here, I’m sometimes doing it to calm myself down, because I feel like I’m talking too quickly. That helped. And then there is acuity. So that’s where you zoom out and see the big picture. See, even now I’m already talking a little bit slower. The next stage after that is agency. Once we start to create clarity, we feel like, Hey, I think I could do this. Yeah, it isn’t all that bad. So worst thing that’ll happen is I get embarrassed, and she thinks I’m a loser, and then she never talks to me again. But you know, if I never say anything to her, she ain’t never gonna talk to me again either. Yes, certain amount of agency like all right, I could do this and then action do something, if we just live in our little world and then go back to our avoidance. Ain’t nothing gonna happen. But when we do that action, it reinforces the acceptance. Because look, when I go through the process and create clarity. I actually am pretty capable of stuff, so I’m not all that bad. And so that’s why you have, like, the cycle of ambiguity in the beginning of the bike right the front wheel, which is the first impact with the road of life. And then in the back is our thinking brain, right? What gives us the power to move forward in life, which is the cycle of agency. And then how do you get from the front wheel to the back wheel? That’s the chain, right? And that’s the felt five. You sit down and you ask yourself, What’s my goal? Where do I want to be? Because that alignment is what keeps the wheel, the chain moving. That’s what keeps this bike moving like we are the rider on that bike. And unless we’re aligned with where we want to go, that bike’s useless, and we end up at these weird parties doing dumb stuff that we’re like, this is not me.

Kristen Carder 43:08
What are the barriers? What are the barriers that you see that ADHD ers face to kind of completing that cycle where we move from ambiguity to clarity, what gets in the way?

Dr. Felt 43:23
Really great question. Oftentimes, the avoidance itself. Sometimes the avoidance happens so quickly we’re already on our phone. There’s even something in my book I write about called, well, there are three kinds of avoidance, right? So in my book, I spelled them out right? The first is passive avoidance, where, like, I’m not doing anything wrong, but my mom’s calling. Oh, no, gotta take this. Can’t do my work now, right? There’s active avoidance, where we then take out our phone and start scrolling on stuff, right? And then there’s something called complex avoidance. Complex avoidance is really complicated, but it’s where we distract ourselves from our internal feeling of discomfort with another feeling, for instance, anger, anxiety, shame, worry, excitement, drugs, whatever it may be. Yeah, do we have time for a story to explain that always go? So in my book, I have this story called daddy’s window pane. I had a window in my house that needed a little extra TLC, because when I was really poor in college, I picked up an AC that someone, you know, curb alert. I was like, Oh, sweet. It’s got like, 200 BTU, or, I don’t even know what, right? And I tried shoving it into the window of my apartment, but it didn’t really quite fit. But this was the only AC I had. So with a lot of creative and ADHD awesomeness, I got it in, but the window broke. Um, years later when we were able to afford a, like, real AC in our house. So we took it out of the window and we but now I had this, like, window that didn’t really close, yeah, so I, like, locked it, you know, like those two tabs, I just locked it, and I was like, I told the kids, don’t touch it. Hope for the best. It’s. Yeah, then just recently, I think I was like six months ago, we were getting ready to fly away for summer vacation and like in the morning. So obviously, you’re up all night, packing, when you should have done it like a week ago. So I went to bed super late, and also I get woke up to a massive crash. I run into the kids room, and I see the window completely open. The entire window pane on the floor on top of my daughter, who has blood on her face, and my two year like my little boy also like, both screaming, and my older girl was like, and the first thing I said was, I’m scared. I told you not to touch that window. What the heck? Right? These poor little kids, they just got hurt. Their window fell onto them like what just happened? And I just, I was just losing it, and my wife, sensing something was amiss, comes into the room to be the rational human being in the room. Thank God for her. And she said, maybe you might want to take a little walk. No, I’m gonna fix this window. And I took the pain and I shoved it back in, then like, like, wedged it in, and then grabbed a drill and then drilled it through. And then, like, I must have done it at the wrong angle, the glass shattered, and now even more pissed, right? And I storm out of the house, leaving my wife hopefully to clean up the mess, right? I don’t know if anyone here could relate. Don’t judge me. Don’t call Child Family Services. This only happens once. The point is that I come down and I’m like, What did I just do? Like, all they were trying to do these little sweet kids was to look at a a squirrel that was climbing by the chimney. That was, that was their big sin. Oh, my God. And I was like, thinking, like, I told you not to, like, when was that? That was, like, years ago. So my daughter was probably like, what, three or two, and my two year old wasn’t even born yet. So, like, what? What did i What was I even saying? Yeah. And then it hit me. You figured out,

Kristen Carder 47:05
um, please don’t put me on the spot. I’m scared. Good. I

Dr. Felt 47:08
want to say it anyways, good, which is that I realized that instantly, as soon as I saw that, I blamed myself. I should have fixed it. Oh, honey, and I avoided that feeling of discomfort and deep shame and guilt, by embracing this other, more attractive, alluring feeling of anger at the other meaning, I took the anger that came up at my own self and redirected at the kids, the poor, helpless, innocent victims who just happened to be there, right? And in a way, this is complex avoidance at its worst. It’s where I was angry at myself, but then redirected at them in order so that I shouldn’t have to feel those feelings of discomfort, selfish pig, right? And when I was able to see that, I, like, smiled at myself. I was like, wow, that God damn avoidance, yeah, oh my gosh. And I was able to kind of like, take a couple of seconds to kind of accept myself that, listen, it makes sense. Like, listen, you that was years ago when you did that. You didn’t have the money to get a new one, and so, like, now that, like, Oh, you did, yeah, but you’re also working so much harder and doing so much more. And it’s like, kind of like normal that these things kind of slip by, and it’s not the worst thing in the world that you forgot to fix it, and no one could have anticipated that your kids would have climbed up onto the window trying to hold on to it to see a squirrel. And think, even though we live in New York and there’s tons of squirrels, of squirrels, but still, it was pretty reasonable. I wasn’t all that bad. I’m not such a horrible dad. Once I was able to accept myself, zoom out of the picture and realize it wasn’t no one died like you didn’t do anything horrible. I went back upstairs where my wife was holding my two kids who were hurt, and I apologized to them. I said, I’m really sorry. I was mad at myself for not fixing this window and not keeping you safe, and that makes me feel really, really bad, and I couldn’t handle the feeling in the moment, and I yelled at you instead. But you did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong besides for relying on your daddy to have safe windows, and that’s the story of daddy’s window pane. Oh my

Kristen Carder 49:02
gosh, thank you for sharing that. That’s very vulnerable. Yeah,

Speaker 1 49:06
that was intense. That’s a very vulnerable,

Kristen Carder 49:11
tender, tender moment with your kids, scary and scary, I want to honor just that very human response of feeling the shame so intensely, but it being so fast that your anger takes over. And I think so many listeners will relate to that. And I just want all of us to like, take maybe a pregnant pause of like, how often do we do that, where we’re throwing our own anger at ourselves onto someone else, because it feels so much more powerful, doesn’t it? Because I’m I’m so. Much more powerful when I’m angry at someone else than when I’m just, like, really upset that I just didn’t do the thing that I know I should have done.

Dr. Felt 50:08
Yeah, it’s almost like Michael’s law of yelling from the office, right? That when you get yelled at by your boss, then you go and you yell at your co worker, who then comes home and yells at their spouse, who then yells at their kids, who then yells at the dog? Yes, um, yeah, it’s a little bit like that, wow. Like when we yell at ourselves, we then yell at our kids, which is why it’s so important to focus on acceptance and accepting ourselves. This is us. God doesn’t make mistakes. Like, this is the way he made me. I am who I am. Just to quote Popeye, like the eternal wisdom of that, like, this is me, this is us, this is who we are, and not accepting ourselves ain’t gonna help, and beating ourselves up. How’d that work out for you?

Kristen Carder 50:49
Right? That’s one of my favorite questions to ask, and I know it’s very like, annoying for a client or just a person to hear it like, how’s it working? How’s it working, you know? But I think that when we’re confronted with that and we have to sit with like, how is it working? Like, is it the answer is, usually No, it’s not. What do you think the steps are to self acceptance? Because I think that is, I mean, I know it’s, it’s so much more than, like, a sound bite. It’s like years of work. But if you could zoom out, how do you help clients with self acceptance? Really

Dr. Felt 51:27
great question. How do we work on self acceptance? There are two answers. The first is relationally, by being accepted by another, there’s nothing greater and more powerful than the lived experience of feeling that acceptance from someone else, even a higher power for those people who believe in that there’s so much love and warmth to be felt by your higher power, the second way, in a practical sense, is really to augment Our internal dialog, the way we relate to ourselves, the

Kristen Carder 52:03
way we talk to ourselves, the way we feel about ourselves, the way we yell at ourselves, yep, yep, yep, um, I just completed a course with my program, and it was on quieting the inner critic and like how we can improve the experience of just, like, being ourselves. Like, just, like, not about productivity or what your output is, but like, how can you improve your experience of being you? And I just think that for someone with ADHD for maybe just humanity in general, like, if we could all just work on that, like not hating the experience of being me, so much would improve. Yeah, yeah,

Dr. Felt 52:49
make acceptance not war with ourselves. I don’t know if that had the same hippie acceptance back then. It wasn’t as cool the graffiti on on highways, but yeah, I think you’re right. It does start with accepting ourselves and really treating ourselves with the respect that we inherently deserve, which is giving ourselves that self compassion accepting ourselves. It’s really that. That’s why it all starts with honesty, like when we’re honest with ourselves, that I’m just another flawed human being like everyone else. Big whoop. Yeah, so I screwed up, so I messed up or so I succeeded. Yay. Millions of people have messed up. Millions of people have succeeded. They’re always gonna have bigger ones than us. There are people who have bigger losses and bigger fails than us, and there are people who have bigger successes and bigger wins than us. I’m just another human, just like everyone else, and we just do our thing, and it’s okay. It’s not all that bad.

Kristen Carder 53:44
That sounds to me like the zooming out effect, yeah, what you talked about earlier? Yeah, that’s so good. I love it. Talk to me about DSA. Oh,

Dr. Felt 53:54
yum. Thanks for bringing it up. You’re welcome. DSA is my, I guess my acronym for one of these, like unique ADHD phenomenon, which is delayed sensory affect, where, because of the stream stimulation constantly coming in through our head, we oftentimes don’t notice or are unable to properly attend to our internal cues, yes to the degree that they need to be. I illustrate this with an example, again, from my kids, which is called that I have to make story, which is if, as any parent or very loving uncle or aunt knows, when you have the kids watching their like favorite show, right, and you say, anyone need a drink? No. Anyone want to eat? No. Anyone need to make no, nothing, right? Everyone’s fine, no, right, get out of the way, mom, right? And they’re just glued in on the stream, right? That stream of stimulation. Just boom, stream. They’re in that stream, right? As soon as the video is over, I have to I made, all of a sudden, everything comes screaming out. They’re starving, they’re thirsty, they have to use the bathroom. What’s like? What just happened now, kids are the most honest things in the world, right? So like when they told us that, right? They were they lying, debatable, right? The way I understand it is that they weren’t, because their experience of themselves was, I don’t feel the need to make I don’t feel the need for thirst or hunger. I don’t feel it right now, and it’s only after the stream of simulation subsided that all those cues now, which have just been growing right and have remained unmet till then, gotten louder and louder, right? Yeah, all over the place. And it’s a cute example with kids, yeah, not but it’s cute with us, because we do the same thing as adults. We go from email to meeting to meeting to client, to email, and then you come home, and then a kid like trips on your shoe, and you’re like, Yeah, whoa. What just happened? The answer is, we were also in our own stream of stimulation, just more important adult stuff, right? But really the same thing, and therefore, it was only after that stream of simulation subsided. Now we’re home, right? We’re in our safe spot that all those internal cues come roaring out, and all those needs, the unmet needs, come crashing all over the place delayed sensory

Kristen Carder 56:10
affect. How does that impact? ADHD ers, well, because

Dr. Felt 56:14
we’re kind of slaves to stimulation, and we’re constantly get caught in our own like stream of stimulation. This could happen to us a little bit more often than it would have it would happen to the neurotypical population.

Kristen Carder 56:24
And then, how does it impact us?

Dr. Felt 56:27
Well, we’re nasty to the people we love. We’re constantly running on empty. Fine. I get nasty to the people I love. I sometimes find myself running on empty. I find myself in much more compromising positions than I would have rather be in. That’s how it affects us. We can’t necessarily be our full self because not all of us is present.

Kristen Carder 56:52
Say that last line again was good. Not all of

Dr. Felt 56:54
us can be our full self because not all of us is present.

Kristen Carder 56:57
Okay, and so what do we do about it?

Dr. Felt 57:02
Great question, and the answer is really the same stuff we spoke about now, which is having that, like, self awareness of, like, oh yeah, this is a thing. So for instance, like, here, on the way here, right side, like, all of my, like, fruit and my vegetables and my stuff. And

Kristen Carder 57:16
I really did, I saw it. I was witness to and it was beautiful. Thank you.

Dr. Felt 57:19
I prepped first of all, because I’m an appetite I’m an I’m on an appetite suppressant. I need to make my food look attractive to me. Otherwise, I’m just not going to eat. Yes. So like, I I’ll do some sort of self seduction for healthy food, or even just food, any food, just get food inside me. That’s it. So that’s first of all, as I try to make a system. But like, if we go back, like, now that we’re in Philly and I saw the stuff about Benjamin Franklin, let’s just go back to let’s just go back to good old Ben. An apple a day keeps the DSA away. If you could train yourself to have an apple, and I have an apple, right? That I’m gonna eat before I get home, right? If starchiness fills me up and I feel like, Yeah, amazing. An apple a day keeps the DSA away. Keep a snack with us, right? I have snacks hidden all over the house. Still tell my kids, and I use that in order to, kind of like allow myself to constantly be the kind of nibbling or taking care of my body. I know that when I need to use the restroom, I need to do it now and not tell myself I’ll do it right after this email, like that kind of stuff, just being honest with myself, and kind of trying to accept that this is me, and I will get caught up in the stream of stimulation if I don’t take care of myself.

Kristen Carder 58:30
I just think that what we need to really put front and center is the impact if we don’t. Because I think you’re absolutely right. I see myself. I get snippier. My tolerance level gets so much lower. I also am not functioning at my highest capacity. I don’t have reserve for empathy, for kindness, for patience, and if I could just spend five minutes taking care of my own basic needs. Have I had any water to drink? Right as you’re as you’re taking your SIP? Have I had a snack? Do I need to use the restroom? Do I want to, just like, go put my I always talk about, like, putting my feet in the grass. Do I need to go put my feet in the grass for a little bit just like ground myself, it takes five minutes to do all of those things, and I am such a better human when I do it. So

Dr. Felt 59:30
based off of our conversation today, how could you start taking care of your own? DSA,

Kristen Carder 59:36
for me, personally, it has a lot to do with food, which I’ve been working on. So like, for example, I parked my car and I ordered DoorDash immediately when I got here, because I was like, I’m gonna need food.

Dr. Felt 59:53
Cue, stimulus, response, yeah, little bit of when I parked my car, I order food

Kristen Carder 59:58
Exactly, and that’s just. Tuesday thing, but that’s fine, at least, at least my needs are taken care of now, and I will, I’ll have that, but I think too this is so silly. It’s not silly. It feels silly to admit on camera, but to listen to my body when I actually need something feels indulgent,

Dr. Felt 1:00:23
right? Yeah, as you said it, I was like thinking, Oh, I should do that too. Yeah, listening to our body, it’s like funny, because we’re always feeling like but I have this to do it. I have needs this, and I can only earn reward when I do what I’m supposed to do, as

Kristen Carder 1:00:37
if taking care of your body is a reward and not just a basic human right,

Dr. Felt 1:00:42
which comes from I’m not going to speak for you. I just speak for me, like this lived experience of always feeling inadequate, that we’re not good enough until we do what we need to do 100%

Kristen Carder 1:00:51
I’ll jump in that pool with you. Yeah, yeah. Dang good enough. I I think that like convincing myself and then helping my clients to understand that, like basic needs are not a luxury, they’re not indulgent. This is just a human right, and including rest in that which that’s like very near and dear to my heart as a hyperactive ADHD er like learning how to rest and then helping other people do it as a right of just humanity, not just you have to earn it. You know, based on your performance, I think so many of us ADHD ers would be so well served if we just get back to those very basic things.

Dr. Felt 1:01:38
Our needs matter. Is

Kristen Carder 1:01:42
there anything else that you would like to share with us before we close up? I feel like you have so much wisdom. I would love to have you on again to talk about your other passions, such as sex. You love talking about sex I do,

Dr. Felt 1:01:57
especially for ADHD. It’s, think about it. It’s another one of those things, that there’s so much incomplete information coming in, yeah, so much stimulus. And then, like, but if you’re ambiguous and you don’t know, wait, what do i There’s no manual push here, right, turn this, there’s like, you don’t, like, each body is different and needs, like, different, like, kind of instructions or interaction. And so like, for a lot of us with ADHD, is just like, wait, what do I do now and then, bam, cycle, ambiguity. I’m ambiguous. I feel anxiety about it, avoidance. And then I’m working now, honey, the weekend. We’ll get together the weekend, right? Yeah, because work, I know what to do. It’s sequential, it’s familiar, it’s point by point and again, instant reward every single time, because I submit, right? But like with sex, it’s so much more complicated. Yeah, we totally should talk about it, absolutely

Kristen Carder 1:02:42
so for this, for today, is there anything else on your mind, on your heart, that you want to

Dr. Felt 1:02:49
share? I really had, I felt like you gave me so much space to just share.

Kristen Carder 1:02:53
I just appreciate you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the work that you do, and thank you so much for making the trip. How can people find you? Are you taking clients? And what is the name of your book? And where can people find that? So it’s three questions that’s a lot. It’s a lot. I’m gonna I’ll meet you one by one. How can people find you? Just

Dr. Felt 1:03:14
google my name. Michael felt or not. He felt that’s N, A, C, H, I you can look me up at W, W. Dot ADHD, doctor.org, for organized sometimes. Then the second question, the

Kristen Carder 1:03:27
second question was, are you taking clients? Yes, coaching clients, therapy

Dr. Felt 1:03:32
clients. If they need therapy, then maybe we’ll talk about it. Okay, that’s really up to them. They also do evals, meaning for complex diagnoses where people aren’t sure what they have. Is it anxiety? Is it ADHD? Is it both? That’s like my specialty. I actually teach that at Columbia, diagnostic discernment. How do you tell what we’re struggling with? So I do that also. And

Kristen Carder 1:03:54
are you able to see people outside of New York for your evals? For

Dr. Felt 1:03:59
the evals have to be either in New York or in a state that’s psypact. Yeah. Okay, great. We

Kristen Carder 1:04:03
will link the psypact website. So if you’re listening to this and you’re like, oh my goodness, I would love to reach out to him, then you can check and see if your state aligns with psypact. And then my third question was, your book,

Dr. Felt 1:04:16
my book, I love my book, and it’s the best book ever, and tis of the season, oh, my God, and my book is written. I’m just looking for an agent. So any agents out there hit me up, that’d be awesome. It’s really gonna be about self empowerment. How do you control your feelings, so that you control your life? Like, how do you create control? That’s really it.

Kristen Carder 1:04:47
Oh, my goodness. Agents, give them a call. We need this book in the worlds. Thank you so much. I appreciate you. I really do. We’ll link all of your info in the show notes, so anybody listening, if you’re resonating. With Dr felts vibe and intelligence. Go check it out in the show notes, and I’ll see you next week. Hey, ADH, dear. I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more.