Kristen Carder 0:05
Music. Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD, let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated. I’m not very regulated, because I’m just so happy and excited. And emotional regulation doesn’t just apply to negative emotions. It also applies to the adrenaline and the joy and the excitement that we feel as well. And so I’m admitting that I am not well regulated, but I am ready to roll, and today I’m talking with licensed clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist, Dr Jessica McCarthy. She’s

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 1:08
back again, baby. Oh, so get rid of excited.

Kristen Carder 1:13
So good. We are going to talk about parenting, the experience of parenting, with ADHD, whether that is two partners, parenting, together, solo parenting, single parenting, all of the things so Jessica, thank you so much for being here a

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 1:30
pleasure. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you for having me back and to talk about something that is very, very near and dear to my heart and probably a lot of your listeners who have kids as well. Yeah, it is

Kristen Carder 1:41
so hard to be a human with ADHD, just in general, just a human, like taking care of yourself with ADHD, but then adding kids into the mix, where you are responsible to be someone else’s frontal lobe, not just your own,

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 1:56
when yours is like hanging on by a neuron, yes, like dangling for dear life. It

Kristen Carder 2:01
is so hard. What do you think or like? What have been some of your challenges with being a parent who has ADHD? So

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 2:10
for me, it’s I. I’ve been divorced almost four years now, so I kind of don’t remember life, some of the parenting stuff pre divorce, because it was, it was a different ball game. And my kids were, they were babies. I was, they were three and five when I got divorced, and it was during COVID. So, like the world, everything was in shambles. And, you know, COVID casualty, yes, but obviously, you know, there were some issues leading up to that. Divorce doesn’t occur in a vacuum, and it doesn’t occur suddenly. So there’s that. So, you know, it’s, it’s February of 2021, my divorce is finalized. I moved 45 minutes south of where my practice was, where I we were married, and living to be closer to my family and a little bit more kind of centralized in New Jersey. What was the hardest part? A lot of it was, Well, I think first of all, anyone that’s gone through a substantial trauma, even though and I initiated the divorce, I’m upfront about that, just because you wanted something doesn’t mean that it’s not difficult, so that having to literally learn how to do life again, while also trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy For these two children that admittedly did not have a choice in the process and are also trying to adapt. And they were young, then they didn’t get it the way that they get it. Now, I had to learn a whole new communication around the custody schedule, and I have about 60% custody, so it’s not just a very cookie cutter, because that would have been helpful from an ADHD standpoint, having an interesting thing ever having to do the same thing every week, but I have, I said I’ve got 60% so the schedule changes, and having to learn the language, having to manage a schedule that, literally, when my children are with me, changes on a week to week basis. And the first thing that I had to program my brain when I got divorced was, well, when do I have my children? Because that dictates what my answer is to something and what I’m doing. And by the way, like this also applies to parents that have a significant other who travels a lot, like is my partner here this week or not? When are they back? How am I staffing up? What does this look like? Like I said I can speak more to the divorce part, but this goes to everyone that might be flying solo, whether it’s permanently or temporarily, and trying to figure it out, managing the schedule and training your brain to add in this extra variable that literally dictates when everything else happens, was the hardest part, and it still is the hardest part, because every few Months, now that my kids are nine and seven, the schedule changes, the sports change, my work schedule, things and the juggling, yeah, is exhausting.

Kristen Carder 4:49
I feel that as a parent who has a partner, I have three boys, they’re all in sports. They all have the things right and they’re playing. Things. They’re doing their things at various times of the year, all year round, and it just the schedule changes are so overwhelming. They’re so hard to keep track of. I’m not great at managing a calendar to begin with. Stuff

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 5:12
that needs to be on my calendar right now is is not like anything that’s work related, like I said in the previous episode, like my office manager, Jackie. I love her, but, like, I keep boundaries there with her. Like it is not her job to manage my personal life. That’s my and I struggle because my working memory, I like to think is really good, but then the ball gets dropped, or I try to push the limits, because sometimes I like to fuck around and find out. Sometimes I find out, like, you know, but it’s there’s I have to give myself and other parents in this position so much grace and space, because, to your point, this thing called parenting, there’s no manual. I remember, my daughter was born. She came out after 24 hours of labor, shot my chest, and I’m like, Well, shit, I’m on the clock now. Yeah. Like, what? That is such a surreal process. And then when something like divorce or job change and someone’s traveling a lot, how literally the moment you can get really bogged down into the moment to moment minutia of how to do this, to the point where the paralysis of where to start and how to problem solve and how to decision make, and what is the executive function skill that I need to do this? Where are my strengths in that area? Where are my weaknesses? I think I said this last episode, transitions are difficult. Task initiation is difficult for me. And then the the paralysis that comes from shit, I actually how the hell do I do I solve this problem? And then the the guilt of, like, well, you know, good. You know, this is what you get for like, you know, being in a marriage and didn’t work out. Like, you chose this life, and you chose this divorce, and, like, you chose all this stuff. So like, you don’t really get a fucking chance to, like, feel bad about you, just to solve the problem. Well, no, I’m human too, yeah. And my evolution as a parent, as a lot of your listeners, or even just as a human, looks very different at, you know, my, you know, 42 than it did in my 20s and 30s. And we can allow for that long answer again, blame it on the ADHD. I’m right there without being dysregulated. It’s so

Kristen Carder 7:15
good. It’s wild, the experience of parenting, and I saw a Tiktok the other day, yesterday. Actually, the other every day that’s not today is the other day she Yeah, yesterday, I was scrolling and I saw a Tiktok that said a parent’s job is to be their child’s frontal lobe. I sent it immediately to my sister because I was like, well crap, because I can barely function as my own frontal lobe. And then I’m also having the responsibility to try to help my kids develop their own and, like, be that support system for them. It is so hard to be a parent with ADHD, yes, yes,

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 8:01
and especially when, and this is to no fault to parents like our generation, parents like, not mine, anyone else’s, we didn’t understand ADHD back then, like I said on the last episode, like it’s I’m not, I wasn’t the behavioral kid. Like, we’re not, you know. So, so the understanding that, like, we need to do it differently, as opposed to, like, Jessica, like, why is your room a mess? Just, like, just get up and do it. Like, I’m not Nike. I’m not gonna just do shit if I actually can’t do it and I don’t have the skills. Like, trust me, there’s nobody more than me on this planet that wishes I could do some of the shit that, right, even my older daughter can do like, so readily. Like, she comes home and she just just sits down and does her home. She transitions so well, I’m like, how do you, how do you? Eleanor, my sweet child, how do you do that? Can you, can you teach me how to do that? Whereas my younger one, Claudia, needs a little bit more assistance in that area. I think the other thing too, I actually have a little bit of an issue, like, it’s our job to be their frontal lobes. And maybe this is those good swinging of the pendulum in the other direction. And this is also what I tell my clients, it’s not my job to be anything. It’s my job to teach you, just like I take with my patient, I’m gonna teach you how to problem solve. So here’s we’re working on a chore chart. My kids now they’re understanding, like, the value of money, yeah? Like, mom, like, we want to go shopping. We want to go get some kids look out of here. Like, What job do you have for people? But

okay, let’s talk, let’s talk chores. Yeah,

there’s certain things that you are expected to do as a functioning and participating member of this household and on our developmentally appropriate totally. But here’s also what I’m teaching, I’m teaching insight and awareness, like these meta cognitive skills that we talk about with ADHD, because I don’t want you to just be a doer. Here’s the list and execute. I want to teach you how to think about things so part of how they earn money, it’s not just and we’re still finalized. This. This just came about, like last week. Love is not just the tasks, but if I have to remind you more than once, you the the maximum and again, this is all behaviorism. It’s it’s positive reinforcement as opposed to punishment. So let’s say, out of a day, you have the opportunity to earn a maximum of $2 yeah, what you earn is not just predicated on stuff getting done. It’s, did you do it without me having to, like, were you able to walk into the room and realize, oh, I need to turn the light off before I need, I need to clean up the breakfast table. I’m not interested in you being like, just, just a yes, man. I’m interested in you learning the skill of, okay, before I transition, can I look around me and see what has to be done before I leave the room? That’s both because I wasn’t necessarily taught that I was taught. And again, a lot of people, our agents, do you do as you’re told? Yep, you have as a task master. I’m really good at doing what I’m told. I am less actually, not gonna be hard on myself. It is an emerging skill of the Dean of your voice, emerging skill therapy. It is an emerging skill of me being able to Okay, pause. What do I need? Yeah, what can I say yes to? And what do I say no to, as opposed to just being like, I’m gonna do it all or I can’t do shit the all or nothing. Yeah.

Kristen Carder 11:19
Yep, yep. So tell me how you teach your kids to think through or to remember the tasks, because that’s very interesting. So part

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 11:30
of it is like that the tasks are the tasks themselves are written out, sure, but if I know like this is this, I need to move the mic so I can start pounding that for me, because it happens all the time. Yeah, the breakfast table, just when you have your breakfast, just fucking throw it out. Yeah, the dish is in the sink. Like, I’m still teaching that, like, pay attention to the dishwasher. If that’s empty, then you can load it. But I’ll be happy if you just throw out what needs to be and scrape your plate and put it in the sink. So they have the list. But what I’ll say to them if and I will give them again, I will tell them a half hour, 25 minutes, I help. I do help manage the time, because they are learning again. Frontal lobes are not developed. I do have to help with that. Like I’m not a masochist. I help them manage a time and think about that. But I will say to them what needs to be done in this room to consider it complete. Oh, I love what needs to be done before we leave for school. Yeah, what? What needs to be done that we can check this. You can check this off, and whether they just remember it spontaneously, or then they should how many times I’ve said it over the years, right? Or they remember to go back to their list. I want to teach. I could teach them what needs to be done, and ultimately, I will phase that out over time, but like, they’re nine and seven, like, right? Honestly, they can complain about this to their therapist, right? Like, we’ll pay for their therapy boss, that’s why mama hustling. But I’m trying. I just give them that prompt, what else needs to

Kristen Carder 12:55
be done? Yeah? Oh, that’s so good. That’s a great question for an adult to ask themselves.

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 12:59
Me too. It’s wild, right? Except sometimes, like, you know, again, being a single parent, there’s no other adult in the house. Like, I might ask myself that, and be like, the laundry needs to get put away on that chair of yours, Jessica, clean laundry. And I’ll just be like, like, I’ll ignore it. But then my, like, my older one especially, will call me out. She’ll be like, your, well, your bed’s not made yet, Yeah, mom, and I’m like, You know what? You’re absolutely right? You know, back in the day, it was like, you know, don’t worry about me. Like, just do what you’re told. But there’s a lot of accountability in that, because I want them to buy in, yeah? So I have to do two things. I have to model my struggles that I’m not doing this perfectly and I’m learning along, and also acknowledge that, okay, I can do it too. You know, we all need to do this. What do I need to do? Because I love having my bed made. What do I need to do for me to consider this a wrap before we go to school? Because then, guess what? It’s going to make my life that much easier when I get home at five, six o’clock and they have to, maybe have to finish homework or whatever, that I do my part as well. I love that. I wish someone was paying me to do chores, but like, no, sorry, that’s adulthood. No, sorry, that’s the truth.

Kristen Carder 14:08
I’m on a health kick right now, and my kids are so annoyed at me. I’ve changed the type of rice and pasta and bread that we eat at home. I’ve even eliminated all breakfast cereals from the house. No more Captain Crunch or cinnamon toast crunch to be found in the Carter home. It’s a true ADHD hyper focus for me right now. But one thing that I’ve stuck with, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop taking, is ag one i Kristen Carter, an adult with ADHD, have been able to be consistent with taking ag one every single day for a long time. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up the morning, before coffee, before anything. It literally takes me about 60 to 90 seconds to just scoop it into some cold water, shake it up and drink it. It really is so easy. And I’m traveling with my family to Indiana for the holidays. We’ll be staying in a hotel, eating out for a lot of our meals. And generally partaking in lots of non healthy activities, which is fine, because balance. You know what I’m saying, and I know that I can stay consistent with ag one thanks to their travel packs. I’m just going to pop six travel packs into my shaker, slip that baby into my travel bag, and done. It’s so simple I don’t even have to think about it. So I encourage you this new year, if you want to do one thing to improve your health as an adult with ADHD, try ag one for yourself. It’s the perfect time to start a new healthy habit, and that’s why I’ve been partnering with ag one for so long. And listen to this. AG, one is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you’ll get a welcome kit, a bottle of d3, k2, and five free travel packs, just like I’m going to be using over the holidays. You’ll get all of that in your first box. So make sure to check out drink. AG, one.com/i have ADHD to get this offer that’s drink AG, one.com/i have ADHD to start your new year on a healthier note. Emotional regulation is just like one of the biggest pieces of humaning, humaning with ADHD, what are your thoughts on being a parent with ADHD, who’s working on her own emotional regulation and then, like, also helping your kids learn how to regulate themselves. So when I work with patients

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 16:31
and even myself, it’s like, what’s your framework? What’s your foundation? For me, it’s also the systems check that I work with my patients for me too. How am I eating? Am I sleeping? I wasn’t sleeping much when I first got divorced because of the stress of the stress of all that three or four hours a night did not cut it. How am I moving my body? I work out with a trainer three or four times a week. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it a priority? Fuck yeah, because I’m not a good human being. How am I eating, sleeping, hydrating. Like did you drink water, or are you just surviving on caffeine? Jessica, like the hell out of here? Yeah. How am I moving, eating, sleeping, hydrating, moving my body and like, how am I? How am I treating myself? Because I’ve been through a lot of shit too, yeah, right in this moment. So for me, that’s, that’s the that’s my foundation as far as how I’m teaching, managing my own emotion regulation, but also modeling that to my kids, because if they’re dysregulated, that’s what I asked them. Hey guys did, when was the last time you eat? Did you have a snack? Because my kids are in aftercare, they have snacks. So it’s model. It’s doing that for me, so that can help strengthen my foundation and model a lot for them. But in moments when I am dysregulated, I yell, I curse and I apologize, and that’s not so first of all, my kids know that if I’m getting to a level 10, it’s because I’ve repeated myself one too many times, and I try to have a lot of structure in place for my children and put a lot of mindfulness and breathing and a lot of therapy into me not going to a level 10 because I also have anger issues, like I was The kid when I was so dysregulated because of inefficiencies and how I was moving through my day, and difficulty with transitions and the anxiety on top of that. Like, I liked to throw things when I was I threw remote controls through walls at my parents home. Like, that’s a very little known, not so much of a secret now, so in those moments where my darling angels just send me to the goddamn moon on the fastest rocket possible. Yeah, I have to use my skills I learned in therapy to breathe and settle down, because pouring gasoline on a fire is not going to work. If I need to give them space, I give it to them, am I? You know, we have we have things in place like their own, little safe, little cozy corner. I come in and out, I check on them, I help them self regulate. Hugs. You have some sensory input, whatnot, but if it gets heated, I apologize guys. This was my responsibility in this, and our parents didn’t do that. And again, I’m not blaming the older generations. It just wasn’t part of the parenting picture. And it’s not, I’m not in the part of like, where it’s the gentle parenting piece, where it’s like everything hardcore gentle parenting, where sometimes I think there’s a little bit too rain, too many rainbows and butterflies and no disrespect to that, but there has to be a middle ground of here are what consequences look like, look like. But if I took it too far, I’m going to be accountable for that and apologize and repair and yet not burden the children. I don’t need to tell you why. I don’t need to tell you about all the deep, dark things that maybe had me coming home at a level 10, right? That’s not your and that’s it is out. It is my job as a parent to keep them as kids, to not, you know, parentify, to not make it their problem. I tell my older one, especially, you are the child, I am the adult. It is not your place to take care of me like we are a team and we work together. But little one, stay in your lane. Like I said in the last podcast, you got to stay in your lane. You are a nine year old. You are not a 42 year old adult. Yeah, so it’s a lot of that I can say. You know, Mommy’s having a Mommy had a busy day, like I’m. Dress, Mommy didn’t eat, yeah? Like, Mommy didn’t drink enough water today, mommy’s had a lot of stuff going on. Or, like, you know, guys, I’m just having a day, yeah? And I can cry too, and I can Yeah. And

Kristen Carder 20:09
that’s modeling transparency. That’s modeling that adults don’t have it all together. That’s modeling that like, I didn’t eat, you know, a plus b equals c. Like, I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink. So that consequence resulted. It’s what happened, exactly. But I love the part that you said, it’s not their job to take care of you, and I think that’s a big shift culturally in our parenting model, where when we were kids, that wasn’t necessarily the thought process. You know, kids were more seen to serve their parents. And so what are some ways that parents listening who are like, whoa, wait a second. What are some ways that they can make sure that they are not kind of burdening their kids with the responsibility to take care of them? That’s

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 21:05
a good question. I think a couple of things. Number one, it comes back to like your framework of parenting, like when you have a framework and an idea of how you want this thing called parenting to go and what you think are reasonable expectations and developmentally appropriate expectations. So yes, I don’t need my children taking care of me, and I don’t need my older one functioning as a second adult, but it is development developmentally appropriate for a nine year old and a seven year old to do certain things. So I think that’s where i i make it a point to even I tell parents, come, you know, go work with a child psychologist, talk to your pediatrician about like, what is developmentally appropriate for kids to do when you can reference the research. And I think the Internet can be a great place for that. Sometimes it gets a little murky, but like call a pediatrician touch base, you know, do one or two sessions with a psychologist to get an understanding of what is developmentally appropriate. I think that framework can then dictate what what is reasonable to expect from a child, both in terms of, like, tasks they might do and also emotion regulation, yeah, right, like a three and four year old and even maybe a five year old still might have more explosive outbursts and temper tantrums than a 789, year old. Yeah, and that’s normal. Again. It’s all a range. It’s normal. I also as a way to, kind of, I try to get ahead of problems before they come up. So I talk to my kids like, I do a check in when I pick them up, what was the best part of your day? What was the worst part of your day? Do you need anything for me, I don’t, not that. I don’t care what they did, but like, they don’t remember what they did. Like, how was your day at school? Like, if there’s a problem, I want to find out about it exactly, not by asking that. I make it a point to talk to them right at bedtime. That’s when they’re tired. And like a little bit more of a bit more vulnerable and willing to share. And that’s also where sometimes repair work can happen. And I’m also okay with, like, everyone taking a time out, not like a punishment timeout, but like a, you know what, guys, let’s just we all need some space, and I’m willing to be flexible. So sometimes I don’t get home from work until like, six o’clock, yeah, even if the snacks at aftercare, like my kids are hungry, yeah, sometimes I’m on top of planning dinner, but I like this may go on point, like we’re eating, well, this nice, excellent. But if they’re about to break down, or they’re having a hard time finishing something because they’re fucking hungry, grab it. Go grab a snack. Yep, go grab a saying. So like, that’s emotion regulation right there, and it’s my job as a parent to be flexible, like you’re gonna spoil your dinner. Okay, you know what? Like they’re not allowed to have cookies when they get home as a snack. Have yogurt, have something that, you know what? Guess what? That counts as dinner. Now, that’s wonderful. I have to be flexible as a parent from an emotion regulation standpoint, and let go of how it was done for me and how I thought and what society may think about me guys, am I a good parent? Am I a bad parent? I hear that a lot in my head, like, Oh, she’s by herself. Like, these kids are like, doing this or doing that, like, Yes, I’m by myself and and my kids are on point, and they’re awesome, and I get great feedback. So letting go of what people say or what you think they’re saying can also help a lot with the emotion regulation piece. And when you can have a framework of, I just want my kids to be healthy. They’re not going to be happy all the time, but like be have contentment and not be assholes. That’s those are my parenting outcomes, and to be independent. And I got a fourth to that I want to be able to launch successfully. It says nothing about grades. It says nothing about like, I want them be good, kind people don’t suck, and like, be effective communicators, and be able to launch that when I remind myself of that framework, and that’s the mindfulness work, that’s journaling, that’s me pausing and being like, Jessica, what are you trying to accomplish right now? Yeah, when I can start to do that, and that took me a really long time because the emotions get hot for me, then I’m able to parent more flexibly and effectively. I’m

Kristen Carder 24:45
so glad that you defined that framework, because I was really curious, like I was thinking, Well, I don’t, I don’t have a framework. I don’t even know what a framework is, so for you to define it that way is so helpful.

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 24:57
So like, that’s the fun little trick when. I talk about, and as a behavior therapist, you know, I take an acceptance and commitment based approach, which is the third wave therapy. You can read about it, but it’s, you know, accepting and not not accepting. What kind of cannot change. It’s just, it’s, it’s the greater acceptance of, okay, this is my life. These are the things I want. Here are the values, and these are the things that how I want to show up and what I want to teach my kids and how I want them to show up in this fun thing called life and committing to the process. And I always tell my parents, and I tell my kids, it’s consistency, not perfection, yeah? And even if you look at, if you’re a parent, you look at a kid’s IEP, we’re looking to do a skill or do a test 80% of the time, yeah, or three out of five. Like, we’re not 100% unless, unless it’s a more, you know, advanced IEP and those other goals have been attained, but like, perfection is not something as that’s a good goal in life, neither is happiness, either. So from an emotion regulation standpoint, I tell my kids, you’re not happy, that’s okay, yeah, yeah, it’s okay. It’s okay. And like to be expected, yes. But parents don’t think, Oh, they’re if they’re not happy, there’s a problem. There’s not this, there’s Yeah. So there’s a lot of like, it’s okay, it’s okay to not be okay. I know it’s very cliche. And what’s my framework? How do I how? What am I actually trying to solve? What are my bigger picture things I want to accomplish? And when I can get clear on that, which, again, the structure that scratches the itch in my ADHD brain, does it leave me like flailing, which then leads to the perfection and the paralysis. When I have my default framework, I can more effectively, more often than not, problem solve. So good. I realized that I actually have used a framework. I mean, we all are operating out of a framework, I’m sure, right, but know it exactly. And so I do have a question that I ask myself a lot, which is, do I want control, or do I want connection? Oh, I love that question, do I want control or

Kristen Carder 26:44
do I want connection? And that has changed everything for me, and my parenting and my relationship with my boys, and

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 26:50
I’m gonna add to that, be flexible on that, because sometimes, as a parent, like, we have to have control totally, like you’re running into the street. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But most of the time it’s for me. For me, it is connection. And sometimes it’s the emotional, sometimes it’s, can we just connect to this moment? Yeah, like, if what is going on in the here and now? Because if my daughter’s upset about something, if I can get them to focus on the here and now and settle in and get the emotions to kind of, I don’t want to say Calm down, but just help them get a little bit more regulated, use strategies to connect to the moment and not be on a level 10 themselves, then I can have a more productive conversation. Totally. Because in my world and a lot of the work we do with parents or whatnot, it’s not that one issue. Sometimes my kids are at a level 10 not because they’re hungry or a problem that I can solve. Sometimes it’s because there’s some BS happening on the playground, or in my world, you know, the kids going back and forth between two houses. And certain some of the stresses that I actually do attempt to to control, some of the stresses I can control and try to mediate. But as I tell my kids too, like, so your issue is that your parents are divorced? Okay, someone else is going to have some other issue. Like, I don’t this might be aggressive, but, like, I don’t feel bad for you that that’s your issue. This is now this, this is the deck that you were dealt, yeah, and I’m not going to say it could be worse, even though it is. I’m not going to say it could be better because it is. I’m not here to judge their experience. I am here to teach you the skill of here’s the hand that was dealt to you that you might not have control over, but I can help you either. Sometimes I can pull the puppet strings as the parent, Yeah, but how can I teach you to sit with the emotional issues that come up with that, whether it’s school, home, whatever it is, and how can we, how can, how can we not even problem solve? How can we just maybe be with that? Yeah, sometimes these issues that kids are facing, especially in the pre teen, teenage years, they are big, they are they are heavy, and I don’t have the magic wand. If I had the magic wand, like I would be on a yacht in Turks and Caicos, because I’d be able to solve everyone’s problem. I don’t. And to be, to be a parent, and to recognize that, that it’s not my job to solve the problems, but I’m ride or die with you on it, like you’re the captain of your life. I’m the first meet. I’m not going anywhere. I tell that to my kids, and I tell it to my patients too. Like, unless you get too far to those edges, they’re gonna take over the ship. I’m right, right here with you. Nothing we can’t figure out together. Let’s take a breath. I’m not going anywhere. My younger one, especially, she gets a little spicy. She’s like, Get out of my room. I said, Okay, I’m going to come back in about a minute because I because she actually doesn’t want to be alone. But she had said to me once she’s like, it feels so big and heavy, Mom and I don’t know what to do, yeah. So we have a plan, yeah, and we execute on I say, I come back. And sometimes it’s a little bit of back and forth, and she finally lets me give her a hug.

Kristen Carder 29:40
What are the qualities of a ride or die parent? Oh, I just love the way you use that term. And Tamara Rozier was here here a little while ago, and she also talked about like she wished that she had Ride or Die parents. And I’ve been thinking about that since then. What do you think goes into. To what does it take to be a ride or die parent? How can we be that for our kids? The

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 30:05
psychologist in me is going to first answer that. But there, there are also like cultural norms around that, in terms of, like, how, what, how we are showing up for our kids. Try to find, you know, to some extent, defined by our culture, whether that’s on a macro level or even on a micro level in my home, how I execute it again, my framework for what defines Ride or Die is I can’t help you if I don’t know the problem. And I say that to my patients too, there’s nothing that you can’t tell me that’s going to get me to the point where, like, you’re not my kid anymore. You’re not this, you’re not that I am here. Do we need to say that to our kids? Yes, okay, because they need to believe it, especially if you think your child might have an issue with emotion regulation, whether or not it’s even clinically diagnosable, even if they don’t like if my kids at a party when they’re older and there’s drinking or drugs or some other shit that’s getting funky, I want them to be able to text me, yeah, without fear of consequences, yeah, I am. Ride or Die. I’m not going anywhere. Now that doesn’t mean that there might not be consequences, but I tell my kids the consequences are going to be far less if I’m if I’m in the loop, oh, if you’re lying or keeping something for me, like, then we have a problem. But even then I’m let I’m not punishment focused. Like, yeah, doesn’t mean I won’t tear my kids a new one from time to time I am interested in solving the problem, yep, if I can solve the problem then, or if I can understand the problem, again, the behavior is to me, it decreases the likelihood of that problem occurring consistently in the future. I can’t extinguish something in one fell swoop, but I can minimize the likelihood and decrease the likelihood of something happening.

Kristen Carder 31:42
Yes…so it’s expressingto our kids that we’re here no matter what, and actually meaning it, and actually meaning it and showing up in that way,

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 31:44
which, by the way, when we’re if you as a parent have an issue and have difficulties with emotion regulation, that means you have to be flexible, and that flexibility that comes with, again, difficulties with ADHD, comorbid conditions like anxiety. Sometimes that can be really hard because, hey, that structure, yeah, that I that helped me get through things so well. Sometimes it backfires when your child does something that wasn’t a part of the plan that they weren’t supposed to do that. So then I might become a dysregulated parent and like, bring drop the hammer, because stove in that moment, I have done that too, but that’s when I really check with myself and say, Okay, did the punishment fit the crime here? And honestly, nine times out of 10, if I’m getting to that level, it’s because something in me was tweaked, or I’m tired or whatever. But also sometimes it’s like I they did say something four or five times and like that pissed me off. And like, there are consequences. Like, I if I want my kids regardless of all these things, like, if you have a job or you’re trying to do something in the future, like, if you piss your boss off, you could lose your job. Like, totally, I’m not trying. I’m not interested in coddling. I’m interested in hand holding and walking by right aside you to the point where my pace will get a little slower and but it’s never going to fully stop. Yeah, right? Like, I’m always going to be walking along with you right now. I’m right here, but I’m never going to stop walking with you. I’m always here, but you get to the point where you’re older, you launch you go to college and your own family. I’m still walking through anything good, but sometimes it’s hard. Oh my gosh, it’s so I don’t want to minimize the emotional work. Yeah, that goes into that, and how incredibly taxing it can be when you’re also trying to juggle your schedule and the structure and the task initiation. Like I got to start this report, and I thought I would be able to do more work tonight, but like, my kids need me and this and that, and it is, it is so hard, but that’s where sometimes I have, I’ve gotten to the point where I just surrender to the difficulty and say, okay, tomorrow’s another day, yeah, and if it’s I’m fortunate as a business owner, and sometimes that’s a double edged sword, that I am my own boss, so I don’t get yelled at, but like, I still have deliverables for my team, for my patients, like that can be a slippery slope. But again, the framework and the priorities of what is, what is necessary, what has to happen, that’s also time specific and what might not be. And for me, a lot of the times, it’s the connection piece, not the control. How can I connect with people? How can I communicate with my boss if I’m behind on a deadline because of something that happened, as opposed to waiting to waiting to the last minute, because that stressor will ultimately trickle down into the home environment too. So

Kristen Carder 34:28
good. Okay, last question, how important is the repair process and what should that look like?

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 34:34
It’s incredibly important, because kids need to know that it is not just about it’s not just about what the parents said, and it’s not this thing that just because you’re the adult and you’re older than me, that you’re always right. I think the repair process is also timing, because if we’re both still at levels that are the temperature’s a little too hot, that’s not happening again, like I said before, I think it’s also important to not. Dump on your child. I think it’s important to be clear in your communication without blaming, well, you did this. No, what’s, what’s my accountability and, and I’m and I’m sorry, and not everything is about, well, you know, I’m a single parent, so like, this is, this is tricky, that this is happening, or, like, my, you know, daddy or mommy’s traveling a lot for work, like that can’t always be the default, even though it’s true, because guess what? Then that might put guilt and other stuff on your children that totally is not, is not theirs to bear. Yeah, it’s not theirs to bear. At some point, they will be adults, and they can make their own choices in life. But you know, having a job where a parent is traveling and in and out a lot was not their choice. No, being divorced was not their choice. They are living with the consequences of our actions. So and I acknowledge that a lot in in the repair process, and we also come up with a plan for like, how can we again, minimize what? What can we all what can we both do different, not even so much better or worse, but different to attempt to avoid this. But I always remind them, if it happens again, we’ll just deal with it again, and that’s okay,

Kristen Carder 36:02
and that’s okay. There’s so much trust in that, and I I’m so appreciative to you for modeling that for us. I mean, don’t get me wrong,

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 36:11
like, back in November, my younger daughter pissed me off so much to the point that I threatened, if you don’t stop doing this, I’m gonna throw away your Halloween candy. And I did, like, I literally took her entire bag, dumped it in my garbage can, then made up the show of nodding it up, throwing up the garbage out there, bringing it out to the dumpster behind my apartment building, while she watched out the window. And I’m like, good, you throwing out your kid. And we both took she even said she’s like, you know, I kind of get why you did that, because you asked me four or five times to do something, and I said, I appreciate that. But I also realized we were both exhausted, yeah, and there’s a part of me and be real honest, I was looking to get rid of that candy. I was done with the Halloween candy I remember wait for in our house, the Elf on the Snell, the elf on the shelf and snoop on a stoop, cause to take the candy. I’m not waiting till Thanksgiving, late this year that that stuff happened. Yeah, yeah. So good. Not perfect, but not perfection is not the goal either.

Kristen Carder 37:12
That’s beautiful. Thank you so much for being here. You are a Gen

Dr. Jessica McCarthy 37:16
snack, if you will snack, my pleasure. Dr, Jessica McCarthy, tell us where we can find you. We you can google us. We’re at Elements psychological services. Our practice is in northern New Jersey, and we’re working on opening a location in center in Central Jersey. We are on Instagram at Elements underscore psych, and my professional handle is dr, dr dot. Jessica dot McCarthy, we will

Kristen Carder 37:40
link all of it in the show notes as usual. So fun to have you back soon over and over. Thank you being here. Hey, ADHD er, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focus. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes, alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more.