Kristen Carder 0:05
Kristen, welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I’m your host, Kristen Carter and I have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B.

Hey, what’s up? This is Kristin Carter, and you’ve tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and super ready to roll. I’m glad to be with you here today. How are you welcome to this show all about living with adult ADHD and how we can figure out how to function in a way that makes sense for each individual person. Because, my goodness, this is a ride. I am dedicating this episode to parenting, all about parenting with ADHD. And I know not everybody is a parent, but a lot of you are, and it can be really hard hanging me so hard to be a parent who has ADHD and is likely parenting kids who also are neurodivergent. We know that ADHD at is as heritable as height, meaning that if you have ADHD, it’s very likely that you’re at least one of your parents had ADHD, and it’s very likely that at least one of your children has ADHD. Many of you found out about your own ADHD through the diagnosis process of your your child. I’ve heard that story over and over and over where a parent is like, filling out the the protocol for their ADHD kiddo, and they’re kind of like, filling in the bubbles or making notes. And all of the questions are like, very relatable. And all the questions are like, wait, wait, wait, wait a second.

This sounds like me and so many of you parents have been diagnosed as adults because you’ve gotten your kids diagnosed, and you’ve recognized the symptoms in yourself as you have seen them in your kids. And I think that’s beautiful. That is such a beautiful thing. I’ve said this many times on the show over the years, but I think that every diagnosis that someone gets of ADHD is such a privilege. And what I mean by that, I’m not like, Yay, we have ADHD. That’s not what I mean. But what I do mean is that there are so many people out there in the wild walking around who don’t have the privilege of a diagnosis, who don’t have the privilege of knowing that they have ADHD, and that so many of the things that they most likely hate about themselves are related to ADHD symptoms. So anytime that we or somebody that I know, or somebody like comes into focused or or I think about you listening to this podcast and like having the privilege of a diagnosis, I’m I’m so happy. And when we think about the heritability of ADHD, and we think about like our grandmothers and our grandfathers and our great grandmothers and our great grandfathers, the generations that have gone before us when ADHD was not known, when it when it wasn’t even in existence in society, like An understanding of it, what they must have gone through, what they must have experienced. It’s, it’s so sad to think about, and so I think all of that to say, like, as difficult as it is to have ADHD, it’s still such a privilege to have the knowledge about ourselves, right?

It is still such a privilege to have that understanding, that self understanding, so that we can treat it the way that feels right to us, and make improvements in ways that are aligned with our values, and kind of move forward in ways that are just really self supportive. And that was a luxury that many of our ancestors just didn’t have. So we’re going to talk about parenting with ADHD today, and we’re going to follow the same format. I’ve got a rant for you about parenting with ADHD. We’re going to talk about an ADHD resource for parents. We’re going to talk about some research that’s out there. What’s triggered me all of those things, but it’s going to be in light of parenting. The first thing that I want to let you know is that I am teaching a course in my focus membership on parenting, and I am reading two books in preparation for that course. The first one is by Dr Elisa Pressman, and it’s called the Five Principles of parenting. Hmm, I love this book. I love this audio book. I’ve really enjoyed it. I’ve learned a lot. I tell my clients like, I read the books so that you don’t have to if you want to go for it. But so many of us have millions of books sitting on our shelves unread, and I really enjoy reading and nerding out. And it’s also just like a part of the work that I do of like learning and growing so that I can teach others.

And so I’m reading the book so that you don’t necessarily have to the other one is good. Inside, by Dr Becky Kennedy. This one is very, very popular. I haven’t gotten to it yet. I’m gonna be honest with you, but it the I love the subtitle, the Guide to Becoming the parent that you want to be. These two books are kind of like the foundation for what I’m using in the parenting course in focused and I want to reference mainly this book, The Five Principles of parenting, by Dr Elisa Pressman, and she talks about raising resilient kiddos. And I love that approach, because we have this perfectionistic idea in the ADHD community, and just like individuals, of what it should be like, what I should be like as a parent, what my kids should be like as kids, the way that it should go, there’s so many shoulds when it comes to our perfectionistic views of parenting. And what I love about Dr pressman’s approach is that it’s very it’s like, highly based in reality. It’s not a perfectionistic approach. It’s not a fantasy approach.

It’s like, Hey, we’re not looking for perfect kids. We’re not looking for perfect relationships. This is never going to be perfect, but what we are wanting to do is raise resilient humans. We want to raise humans that can function in the world. We want to raise humans that we can have a connected relationship with. We want to raise humans who are generally like good people, and we’re not looking for perfection. And I think that’s so important, because so many of my own guilt and shame spirals when it comes to parenting, is my own desire for perfection and my inability to accept my own humanity. I’m just a human and I’m not gonna do this perfectly. And the best part about it is that my kids don’t need a perfect parent. We’re gonna get to that. But I love I love that approach.

My kids actually don’t need a perfect parent. And if I were a perfect parent, which I am not, but if I were, it would be actually a disservice to my kids, because they wouldn’t be able to see me struggle and recover. They wouldn’t have me, um, like, hurt them and then repair that relationship and see how a rupture and repair cycle can be really, like, a very good thing and a very normal thing in relationships. And so it’s been encouraging to read these books. I have to admit, I haven’t read parenting books in a long time. So my my kiddos are a little bit older. I’m not I don’t have teeny tiny anymore. When I did, when I was, like, a first time mom, or like I had little kids, I tried to, like, devour all of the parenting materials, and now my oldest is 16, which is not that old. I know a lot of you are like, have kids that are grown and flown and I’m not there yet, but my oldest is 16, so I’ve got 1614, and 11, and I feel like I’ve entered this new phase of parenting. And I want to say this, I was a different person five years ago than I am. Now, I was a different type of parent five years ago than I am.

Now, I’ve changed so much, certainly, from 10 years ago, when my oldest, let’s say, was like birth, to age 10. I was a different type of mom. I was a different type of human. It’s almost like unrecognizable to me to think back on the on the ways that I talked to him, and the ways that I parented him, and the expectations that I had of my kids five and 10 years ago, and I want to encourage you that this you can evolve in this area, even if your kids are older. You can absolutely evolve in this area if you’re not feeling connected to your kids, if you’re not feeling like you’re even if you just have this sense that like I’m just not a good enough parent, like I feel like there are things that I need to improve on. And I’m not saying from a place of shame, I’m saying just from a place of like, self awareness, like I have some growing to do, I have some developing to do, and I know that things can change and improve for you, because they certainly have for me. My oldest will often say and like, shout out.

To all the oldest kids. I was an oldest child. I mean, I still am. I’m the oldest child, and I know what it’s like to have younger siblings who you just are, like, do they have any rules? Like my parents treated my younger siblings different from me, as every parent does. It’s just the way of it. But one of the things that my oldest will say is, like, the youngest has a different childhood than I did. And the first time he said it, I was like, What? No, what are you talking about? Like, we’re the same people. We’re the same parents. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I really dismissed it. And then I thought about it, and I came back to him, and I was like, You know what? You’re right. Our youngest kiddo gets a better version of me, a more evolved version of me, a more self developed version of me than you got at that age. You’re absolutely right. So my youngest is 11. Now he just turned 11. When my oldest child was 11, I was just beginning my self development journey. I was just starting it. I was just learning about all of the ways in which I could evolve and change and regulate my emotions and and be like a warm, kind, empathetic mom. I was just learning at when he was age 11. So it is true that my youngest child actually does have a different childhood than my oldest child, and that’s something that I have to grapple with that is painful to think about.

There’s a lot of pain, and I wonder if you relate to this ADHD, or as a parent, with ADHD, there’s a lot of pain that comes in recognizing that we are imperfect and that our imperfections affect our kids. And part of that is just the human experience. Part of that is just like, Yeah, this is just being human. This is all humans, but I feel like there’s an extra flavor of it when it comes to those of us who have ADHD where we know that we’ve been impulsive and we’ve been distractible and we’ve been emotionally explosive and we’ve been forgetful, and all of these ADHD Symptoms and how they impact, or have impacted our parenting. Maybe we didn’t know that we had ADHD, and so we were just kind of living a reactionary life and like, affecting our kids in ways that we just didn’t even realize. Or maybe we did know we have ADHD, but we didn’t bother to treat it because we’re like, what’s the big deal? And we didn’t see, maybe you just didn’t see how it was impacting other people. And so now, as we’re kind of gaining this awareness and realizing, like, wow, okay, I am a human with ADHD, and the the ways in which my ADHD have been manifested have absolutely affected my kids. Plus it’s just human, like, I don’t want to put too much weight on the ADHD part of it, because some of it is just like, we’re just human, and all human parents impact their human children in a positive way and also in a negative way.

This is just how life works, and that is just, it’s just how life work, so, but that extra flavor, that added layer of like, and we have ADHD, and these symptoms affect our kids, I think we can really struggle with a lot of shame and regret. And so I just encourage you. I want to hold you close during this episode and say if that’s what you’re experiencing, if you’re experiencing a sharp pain of regret or judgment of self as you listen to this, I just highly encourage you to breathe and take some self regulating, mindful breaths, and just allow yourself to feel your emotions, but also bring in some compassion, balance out that judgment that you might feel with some intentional compassion. We are all doing our best. I believe that about myself. I believe that about you and listen, our best is never going to be good enough for our kids. Like we don’t want to do our best. We want to be perfect. And I get that, but that’s not possible. So just really appreciating the humanity of this and understanding that, like part of our journey of being a good parent is processing that grief that we know we’re just never gonna be enough for our kiddos, and that’s okay, because they’re on their own journey. They’re living their own lives.

They’re they need to do their own self development work, but there’s grief to be. Felt, there’s grief to be, to be had the opposite of grief. Let me tell you the opposite of grief, if we’re not willing to feel grief, and I’m sure that you can notice this in other people, maybe your own parents, or maybe people that you see in society, if you’re not willing to actually recognize that pain and feel grief, you will instead harden yourself and be dismissive and invalidating. You’ll say, they’re fine, they’re fine. I did everything I could. I know I’m not perfect, but they’re fine. They’re fine, they’re fine. And we or people will often use that kind of attitude so that they don’t have to actually feel grief, right? The grief of being imperfect, the grief of living in an imperfect world, the grief of having imperfect kids. I literally had to grieve that my kids were not the idea that I created, but they’re their own people. I don’t get to decide who my kids are. I don’t get to decide who they become. I don’t get to decide their personality.

I don’t get to decide their likes, their interests. I literally had to grieve that, and if I hadn’t grieved that, I would still be trying to make them into the people that I think they should be, I would still be trying to make them into my own image, rather than accepting them for who they actually are and encouraging them to walk their own path. So I want to encourage you like feeling grief is actually a good, healthy, wonderful part of your parenting journey, whether you are at the very beginning and you have tiny, little humans at home and you’re not sleeping through the night and it just chaotic all the time, or you’re much farther down the road, and maybe your your kids are out of the house and they have their own families, and you have grandchildren now, and maybe interacting with your grandchildren is kind of reflecting to you how you wish that you interacted with your kids. That’s a beautiful opportunity for grief. And if we don’t allow grief to exist, and if we aren’t willing to feel it, we absolutely will harden ourselves. We will harden ourselves toward these humans that we love so much. So I invite you to feel that grief. So if it’s coming up for you during this episode, I’m holding you very close.

All right, I wanted to talk you through this one section of Elisa pressman’s book, and it’s the five principles of parenting. And I wanted to go through these five principles, if you grab the book, which I highly recommend you do, and also the audiobook I have the whenever I feel like a book is important, I download the audio, and I also have a hard copy, because I like to highlight, as you can see there, I just I really enjoy having the physical book in my hands, but I also really accommodate myself by being able to listen to it as well. So here are Alisa pressman’s Five Principles of parenting, relationships, reflection, regulation, rules and repair. We’re going to go through each one, but I just wanted to let you know what they are relationships, reflection, regulation, rules and repair.

And she says, and she really lays out a really great case for it in this book, that if you are able to kind of develop these five principles, it will lead you to having resilient kiddos. So she says here on page 26 under relationships, the single most powerful external influence on your child’s capacity to bounce back from tough experiences is the presence of a nurturing relationship with at least one loving, supportive, stable adult. We know from research that relationships build resilience. It’s on us as the adults to make sure that we provide connection and community for the kids in the world, so that they have a chance to grow the skills of resilience with the support of the adults around them. And this is really, really important, because when we are able to be that healthy, reasonable, stable relationship, that healthy, reasonable, stable adult presence in our kids life. That’s a beautiful thing. And we’ve all been there when we’ve been in a really good place, and we’ve been able to be that, but we’ve all also been through times, if you have ADHD, maybe accompanying depression and anxiety, we’ve all been through times when we haven’t been able to be that healthy, stable, supportive relationship for our kids, and so I want to encourage you to allow your kiddos to build relationships with other.

Healthy adults as well, so that you’re not the only one in their life that they have to rely on, because your ability, your capacity, is going to ebb and flow. So if their other parent is in the picture and they are healthy enough and stable enough, that’s wonderful. Develop like allow them to develop that relationship as well, but maybe aunts or uncles or coaches or healthy enough teachers that you can really encourage relationships with. I am so grateful for the people, the adults in my kids life, that are willing to invest time in them so that I don’t have to be the one person that they rely on.

Of course, my kids have a father that’s very, very involved in their lives, and I’m so grateful for that. I know not everybody has a two parent family. But also thinking about like my kids teachers, my kids coaches, the other people in their lives, people at church, my our like siblings, so like my kids, aunts and uncles, the other people that they’re able to look to for stability that’s so important, and I want to encourage you, to encourage your kids to develop healthy enough relationships with more than just you, More than just you in their life, Okay, the next R the next of the five principles of parenting is reflection. And this is hard for us with ADHD, because it is by nature contemplative, and those of us with ADHD can really struggle with that. But what Dr Pressman talks about here is micro meditation in the spaces between the busy moments, micro meditation in the spaces between the busy moments. And I have just absolutely appreciated that description. Can you take a pause?

The pause is what we struggle with the most at each deer, because we are a Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes. But can we practice developing those brakes with a pause, with a micro meditation in the spaces between the really busy, chaotic moments, especially, I know we’re all in different phases of parenting, but like, especially if you’ve got tiny humans at home who just ask you 7000 questions, and you have to, like, make sure that you keep them alive. For me, there was nothing harder than that season of parenting, and I wish I had someone encouraging me to pause and take micro meditative moments in the spaces between the chaos that would have been very, very, very helpful for me. The next one is regulation. And if you attended my free class on parenting, this is what we talked about, the ability to regulate your emotions. This will change absolutely everything. And what is so important is that our children learn to regulate their emotions. This is really bad news if you don’t already know it. Our kids learn to regulate their emotions from us like that’s how they learn. And so if you’re not regulated, which it’s very likely that you’re not and that’s fine, you can learn. If you’re not regulated, it’s very unlikely that your kiddos will be able to develop regulation. What we’re looking for, what I never learned and what I didn’t teach my kids in their infancy or toddlerhood, because I seriously did not have the skills is CO regulation, so a child learns to regulate their own emotions through co regulation, which is being surrounded by a supportive, stable, regulated adult, even in the chaotic moments. I did not have the tools to do that for my kids. I have only learned that in the last five years.

Hear me. ADHDer, I learned this after I had all of my kids and I had a tween, let’s see a tween like a big kid and a toddler. And I feel badly about that. I have grief about that, that it took me that long to develop regulation. But also I say that knowing that some of you are learning it much farther down the road, and we’re all in different places, and it is never too late to learn regulation. And I’m gonna circle back to this, because the very last one is repair, and it’s also never too late to repair the damage done when we were dysregulated. Okay, so we’re going to come back to that, but let’s not skip over number four, which is rules. Now this is hard for. Those of us with ADHD, the five principles of parenting, relationships, reflection, regulation, rules, is number four. And let me tell you how I struggle with rules, because I hate following rules. And so as much as I want my own kids to kind of like, buck up and and follow the rules and be consistent and blah, blah, blah, I struggle with that I struggle with it, and it is very difficult for me to implement rules when I struggle myself with rules. One of the things that I talked about recently and focused on a coaching call, somebody asked a question about, like, I’m trying to be a really empathetic parent, but that is making it so that it’s really difficult to enforce rules, because I want to honor my kids experience, and I don’t want to dismiss them and demean them, but then it’s really hard to, like, implement a rule with a kid, like, how do I how do I make them follow the rules when they don’t want to?

And my answer to this is, every one of us needs healthy boundaries, healthy guard rails, and especially kiddos need predictable rules. It’s really important, and it is okay for you to be the parent. You know what is best for your kid, meaning you know that shutting off screens at a certain time of day is what’s best for your kid. You know that having them have a bedtime is what’s best for your kid. You know that not drinking underage is what’s best for your kid. You know that having them go to school, even when they don’t want to go to school is what’s best for your kid. It is okay for you as the parent to be empowered, not just okay. It is like necessary for you to be empowered to help your kids follow the rules and hold space for their emotions when they are struggling with it. So help them to follow the rules, like, I don’t want to go to school. I understand school is hard. It’s not really that fun. I get it that you don’t want to go to school. I understand what you’re going through and you got to go to school. How can I help you get out the door? This morning, my kid, my oldest was, like, rushing around, and I just, like, heated up some pancakes, put them on a paper plate, handed them to him on his way out the door. I’m like, just helping him get out the door. He doesn’t want to go to school, but he has to go to school because that’s what’s best. And I’m the parent, I’m allowed to say, this is the rule you’re going to school, but I’m also going to support you. I’m also not going to abandon you and make you do it on your own. How can I help you to follow the rules and the last one? So we have relationships, reflection, regulation, rules and repair. And repair, I think, is one of the most important aspects of parenting.

You know, I I was talking about regulation and how dysregulated I was as a parent, and how much I believe damage I caused to my kids because of my dysregulation, and I have been spending the last five years repairing, repair, repair, repair, and it is never too late to repair. Even if your kids are grown and flown, you can still learn the skill of repair and potentially build a stronger connection with your adult children because of your willingness to repair. Many of us grew up with parents who never apologized. Mistakes were just brushed off. They were justified or ignored, and sweeping things under the rug was just like normal. It was an expected part of life.

And I just want to like, circle back to grief. I think when people are not willing to feel grief about their own mistakes. They’re not willing to feel that pang of regret about their own mistakes. They brush off mistakes, they justify their actions, they ignore they sweep things under the rug. So this is just like another sales pitch for feeling grief. So maybe when you became a parent, you were like, I want to do things differently, right? I want to take responsibility. I I want to apologize to my kids, even though my parents never apologized to me. But like being a human with ADHD means we mess up like a lot. We blurt things out. We snap when we’re over stimulated. We forget what we promise to our kids. We get distracted when our kids want attention, and then we feel that guilt, it can feel so crushing. So as I said earlier, messing up being human, it doesn’t make you a bad parent, and you can repair relationships.

And this is the encouragement to you. The last skill, or the last principle of parenting that Elisa Pressman talks about is repair, and that’s the one I want to focus on here, because so many of us feel like we have so much to apologize for. We know that we are so flawed. We know that our humanity and our ADHD has really ruptured our relationship with our kids, and I don’t want you carrying endless guilt. I don’t want you to do it. It doesn’t help you. It doesn’t help your kids. Okay? What helps is learning to apologize. Well, right? Learning to apologize, well, learning how to make that repair, a great apology. It isn’t about shame, it isn’t about blame. It’s about connection and repair, and it only takes a few steps. So let’s talk about it. You’ve got to acknowledge what happened. You got to recognize it. You got to name that mistake clearly and calmly, like, Hey, I yelled at you when I got frustrated. That wasn’t okay. And you’re going to take responsibility. You’re going to own your actions without excuses. You can explain, but there’s a very fine line between explanation and excuse. Okay, so keep it short and keep it developmentally appropriate.

Your five year old doesn’t need an emotional monolog. All right, so listen, this was my mistake. It wasn’t yours. This is not your fault. And then you’re gonna empathize. You’re gonna help your child, no matter what their age. You’re gonna help them to feel seen. You’re gonna show that you understand their experience. Hey, when I yelled at you, did that feel scary? And just give them a chance to, like, express themselves if they want to. All right, I can imagine that felt scary, or I can imagine that was frustrating, or I can imagine that was unfair. Do you want to tell me how that felt, right and then express remorse? This is the part where you actually apologize. All right, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for how I handled that. It was not okay. I’m sorry. And then here’s the actual repair part. We’re going to make amends. It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about showing that you you know that you made a mistake and you know that, you know that they’re not just going to get over it in a second. This is the opposite of sweeping it under the rug. This is like, I’m sorry I acknowledge what I did. And next time, here’s my plan to do it differently. Next time I’m going to work on taking a deep breath before I react, or next time I’m going to pause for five seconds before I say anything, and I like to also let my kids know, or really anybody, that I’m apologizing to that like I know that it might take you a little bit, it might take you some time to feel better. I don’t expect you to feel better right away. So if you want to talk to me about this again, or if you need me to apologize again. I’m willing to do that. I’ve said to my kids, and I say it all the time, I will apologize as many times as it takes.

I’ve made some big mistakes in my parenting journey, and I never get sick of apologizing for them. Now it’s not about wallowing in self pity. It’s not about wallowing in like, I’m the worst person in the whole world. That’s not what it’s about. But it is about like, if, if my kid is still having an emotional experience and still, like, bringing up this memory, mom, remember when you did that? I really didn’t like it. It means that they’re not over it, and that’s okay. They don’t just have to get over stuff. They’re humans. Like, this is a human relationship. It’s okay for them to come to me and say, Hey, remember when you did that? I didn’t like it. My reaction to that is not going to be I already apologized for that. Why are you bringing up to me?

This is not fair. No, no, no, no, that my friend is a resistance of the grief, that my friend is a resistance of the regret, right? But if I can open up and I can say, you’re right, it was, it wasn’t okay, come and tell me how you feel, I’m never going to get sick of hearing it so So come, come and tell me everything. Tell me how you’re feeling. I’m never gonna get sick of apologizing to you. I am so sorry when your kid comes to you and says that they have this memory or this pain or this hurt, they’re actually looking for connection if they’re five years old, or if they’re 50 years old, and they come to you with a painful memory or something that you’ve done that’s hurt them, they’re looking for connection.

If you can see that as a bid for connection, you are gonna be like such a badass parent. You. Truly, if you can look through the lens of they want to connect with me. Now, I understand that rejection sensitivity takes over and all of the shame and the guilt and the spires, but if you, if you can overcome that and just open up to the pain, because it is painful, if you can open up to it and see when they want to talk to you about hurt. As a bid for connection, you are going to improve your relationship with your kid like you have never, ever dreamed you could, because your kids don’t need you to be perfect. They actually need to see what it looks like to be human, messy and accountable, and always willing to apologize, repair and try again. All right, you’re already a good enough parent as you are, not because you’ve never made mistakes, but because you care enough to repair mistakes you’re willing to feel the pain of recognizing a mistake, and then you’re willing to be humble enough to make a repair.

Okay, your kid, I promise you, they’re not going to remember every time you lost your patience, they will remember how safe they feel around you, and it’s okay for you to evolve in that way. My middle son has said to me so many times, Mom, I’m so glad that you started going to therapy, because you’re a different person. This child is 14. He has said to me many times, I’m so glad you’re a life coach, because you really changed when you became a life coach like he recognizes the evolvement in me.

That doesn’t mean there wasn’t negative impact to him prior to that, but it does mean that what he’s observed in me shows him that people can change, right? And that’s a big deal. So when the guilt creeps in, as it does for me, remind yourself you are teaching your kid, no matter what their age, one of the most important lessons that relationships are built on connection, not perfection. Whew. All right, that was heavy. I really hope that you were able to regulate yourself and come along with me for that journey, and I understand if it is hard, I understand I have spent many nights losing sleep over my own parenting failures, and I have to really practice self compassion and self forgiveness in that area. I’m on a health kick right now, and my kids are so annoyed at me. I’ve changed the type of rice and pasta and bread that we eat at home.

I’ve even eliminated all breakfast cereals from the house. No more Captain Crunch or cinnamon toast crunch to be found in the Carter home. It’s a true ADHD hyper focus for me right now. But one thing that I’ve stuck with, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop taking, is ag one i Kristin Carter, an adult with ADHD, have been able to be consistent with taking a g1 every single day for a long time. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up the morning, before coffee, before anything. It literally takes me about 60 to 90 seconds to just scoop it into some cold water, shake it up and drink it. It really is so easy. And I’m traveling with my family to Indiana for the holidays. We’ll be staying in a hotel, eating out for a lot of our meals, and generally partaking in lots of non healthy activities, which is fine, because balance, you know what I’m saying, and I know that I can stay consistent with a g1 thanks to their travel packs. I’m just going to pop six travel packs into my shaker, slip that baby into my travel bag, and done. It’s so simple I don’t even have to think about it. So I encourage you this new year if you want to do one thing to improve your health as an adult with ADHD, try ag one for yourself. It’s the perfect time to start a new healthy habit, and that’s why I’ve been partnering with aging one for so long. And listen to this. Ag one is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you’ll get a welcome kit, a bottle of d3, k2, and five, free travel packs, just like I’m going to be using over the holidays. You’ll get all of that in your first box. So make sure to check out drink a G one.com/i, have ADHD to get this offer that’s drink a G one.com/i, have ADHD, to start your new year on a healthier note. All right, let’s move on. We are going to listen to a voicemail from Essie. She actually has a parenting question, which is perfect, because it’s on the theme for today. 

And remember, if you want to call in and ask a question, the number is 833-281-2343, we obviously always have that linked in the show notes, so you don’t have to remember it. But let’s go ahead and hear from Essie.

Caller 40:18
Hi Kristen. This is Essie from San Jose, California, and I have a question about how to parent and teach good type management when I’m struggling with this myself. I know that just learning myself and giving myself the skill to learn the foundation transfers onto them, but I also don’t want them to pick up my habits such as lateness and difficulty planning for transitions and difficulty leaving the house when we say we’re going to leave it, which I feel like they are picking that up now, and so it feels like I’m falling behind on having to teach myself these skills and kind of undo the harm them done from them, learning my bad skills, trying to teach them some new skills. So any suggestions you have about how to really kind of get ahead of this problem with them, while I’m still working on building my time management executive function and planning skills and planning for transition would be a huge help. Thank you.

Kristen Carder 41:26
Oh girl, you just put language to the struggle of every parent with ADHD, I am so glad you called in. Thank you so much for this question. This is it? This? This is the struggle. I struggle myself. What you’re saying is like I struggle with time management. I struggle with getting out the door on time. I struggle with transitioning. How the hell and am I supposed to teach my kids how to do it when I struggle with it, and then I notice in my kids that they are also struggling with it, and it becomes a mirror for me, of my own flaws, and now my kids are just this mirror that I’m seeing of like, you’re not doing it right. You don’t know how to do this. You aren’t enough. And so not only is it triggering enough or, like, activating enough in myself when I see it in myself, but now I’m also seeing it on my kids, and I’m blaming myself for that. Oh my gosh. I’m feeling it so deeply. So I’m so glad that you called and I just I, I want to normalize all of it. Okay, this is so normal. This is exactly what all of us ADHD parents struggle with, especially with, I don’t know how old your kids are, but it sounds that like they’re at least like toddler or older, maybe school age kiddos who are, you know, developmentally old enough to be learning these skills, and you feel like I’m the one that should be teaching them, and I’m not doing a good job of it, and I just, I feel that I I’m with you. The first thing that I want to say, though, is you mentioned like I that you feel like you’re harming them, and maybe that was just kind of like an off the cuff, like, just like a random comment, but I just, I, I clocked that right away.

And I don’t, I don’t think you’re harming them, okay, and I want you to be careful about the way that you’re thinking about yourself and talking about yourself. If you believe that this is actual harm that’s going to really weigh on you, drag you down and make it more difficult to move forward and improve. All right, in my opinion, and listen, you can just really like, I want to, I want to give you a permission slip to not believe that you’re harming them. I’m just like write an essay a permission slip like you are allowed to not believe that you’re harming your kids. You’re struggling, and that will affect them, but be careful of the word harm like this is not it’s not abusive to struggle with time management. It’s not abusive or harmful that you’re struggling to get out the door on time. Okay? This, let’s just like, allow some self compassion and allow some just like humanity to come in here, because this, this isn’t harm. All right, I want to encourage you all parents have flaws that we pass down to our kids. Again, I’m gonna say it like this. It’s just the way of it. There’s never been a generation in time where parents have not passed down flaws to their kids. It’s just like, that’s just what happens. And. And I’m sensing some like perfectionism and shame in what you’re expressing, okay? And I’m just, I’m not saying it to kind of keep on. I’m just saying to point it out and encourage you that, like it makes sense that you’re struggling. It makes sense that you’re not getting out the door on time, and the shame is just gonna make it worse. Okay? So accepting, I think, is the first thing. Like, okay, this is normal. Like, I have kids, they’re probably school age kids, and, like, it’s like trying to wrangle baby goats.

It’s trying to, like, it’s like trying to domesticate baby goats within your own home like it’s impossible. I had three little boys, and I was like, how, how will anyone ever teach these little hooligans to be human? And I was approaching it from like an ADHD brain and someone who had not learned how to regulate herself yet. Okay, so I just want to normalize the struggle. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. And next, I encourage you to try to focus on just developing one skill, like, don’t try to solve all the executive function issues at one time, but maybe pick just one thing to focus on. You mentioned time management in a couple different forms, so I wonder if that’s one that you kind of want to pick to focus on. Like, okay, what I’m really going to channel my energy to is managing our time, getting out the door on time. And here’s what I want to say about this. This is for you, Essie, but every single ADHD parent that’s listening, and I want you to kind of tweak it for your own family, vulnerability with your kids and honesty, it’s gonna go a long way here. Okay, pretending that you have it all together and that you’re the perfect parent, and that you know the rules and like that is not gonna do it. What’s gonna go a long way here is leveling with your kiddos and just sharing what you’re struggling with, sharing what you’re working on. Hey, I am really struggling with getting out the door on time, and there’s a lot that I have to manage, and it’s hard, and so I want to let you know that if I get frustrated, it’s because I’m struggling. It’s not because I’m mad at you. I want to let you know that this is something that I want to really want to work on, and I’m I’m asking you to, like, be on my team. And that’s the next point that I want to make. Is, like, getting on the same team as your kids, that’s going to be huge, trying not to fight against your kid.

Instead, bring your kiddo onto the same team and fight together against like time, if that makes sense. So for example, I have a vivid memory of my middle guy trying to get ready for soccer practice. He’s probably about seven or eight, and I am rushing him out the door because I never gave my kids enough time to get ready, because I was always doing things last minute. I don’t know if you can relate to that, and I remember him struggling to get his cleat on, and I’m I’m like, yelling at him from the other room while I’m getting his water bottle. I’m just like, just get your cleat on. And he’s like, okay, get it on. And I remember being like, Are you seriously crying over a cleat? Isn’t this a very embarrassing, sad, terrible parenting moment for Kristen Carter, are you seriously crying over a cleat. Meanwhile, I’m yelling so like, we’re all dysregulated here, and this, like, goes back to co regulation like that. Ain’t nobody co regulating right now, right? I was fighting against my kid as if he was the problem, but he wasn’t the problem.

The problem is, like, we I didn’t allow enough time, and we’re struggling to get out the door. So how can I get on the same team as him and and I want to encourage you, Essie, that like however many kids you have, whatever ages they are, try to invite them onto your team like, hey, we need to work together. I’m gonna set some timers. I’m gonna try to make this as easy for you as possible. Maybe we can gamify it. Maybe we have, like, a certain getting ready song that’s like, a really fun, awesome beat. And you like, when they hear that song playing through, like, Alexa or whatever, they know, like, Okay, this is the getting ready song, and they’re doing they’re not allowed to, like, be on a screen. They’re not allowed to even maybe say any words. All they’re allowed to do is sing along to the lyrics and do the things that they need to do to get ready. I wish that I had implemented more of that in order to just like, get us out the door. Door. I struggled to get myself out the door. I struggled to get myself anywhere on time. I struggled to leave enough time for me, myself and I to get ready. And when I had little kids that I was having to like be their executive function, be their frontal lobe, I was constantly rushed, dysregulated, screaming, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. And it was not fun. And so if you can learn anything from me, I just want to encourage you first, this is normal. It’s something we have to accept.

Don’t try to focus on a million things at once. Just try to solve one problem at a time. So maybe it’s just getting out the door. How can we how can we make sure we get out the door in a better way, being vulnerable and honest with your kids instead of yelling and screaming, but being like, Hey, I’m struggling. This is hard. Let’s work together. What do we need to do, making sure that you’re getting on the same team, and then, if there is any way to gamify it, do it. But what I really want you to know is you’re not alone. This is a very normal, natural, typical struggle for all of us, and you are not gonna mess your kids up because of it. Your ability to evolve and grow is really going to show your kids what’s possible as a human being. So keep working at it. I’m so proud of you. Thank you so much for calling in.

All right, we’re going to talk about the resource of the week. And the resource of the week is a parenting course that I am teaching and listen parenting often feels like one big, long game of Whack a Mole reacting to whatever chaos pops up next. But I’m wondering, if you’ve ever stopped to ask yourself, what kind of parent do I actually want to be not just like what needs to get done today, or how can we get out the door on time, but like the bigger picture of your parenting, the values that you want to instill, the kind of relationship that you want with your kids? I remember, and I think I told you guys this, realizing, circa 2017 2018 I’m not connected to my kids.

I don’t feel connected, and that’s not the kind of parent I want to be. And that was a turning point for me, because then connection became a value that I really worked toward for years. But for many of us with ADHD, this kind of intentional thinking gets buried under the day to day, the overwhelm, the chaos. We’re impulsive, we’re distractible, and we’re constantly pulled in different directions. We don’t always pause to reflect, but when you do pause to reflect, when you have those intentional moments, albeit short, which is totally fine, something powerful can really take place. We can start parenting in a way that actually feels right to us. So I encourage you right this second, take a minute, just one minute, you can even pause and just like breathe and either think about it or say it out loud or jot it down, just like a few words that describe what matters most to you as a parent. Do you want to raise independent, confident kids? Do you want a home filled with laughter and warmth? Do you want to break cycles from your own childhood and parent differently than you were raised like what’s most important to you?

Like I said a few years ago, I think it was 2017 ish, I decided that what mattered most to me was connection, the way that my family parented me. They were very interested in control, and I was automatically, without thinking, just unintentionally parenting my kids in that exact same way that my parents parented me focusing on control, I was prioritizing control. I wanted my kids to follow the rules, right? And once I realized this, like once I had that mindful, intentional moment, I was able to pivot, and my mantra became, connection is more important than control. And for years, I would repeat that to myself over and over and over 100 times a day when I interacted with my kids, it helped me to regulate my emotions. It helped me to not freak out. Connection is more important than control, I would say to myself over and over, and it really did change everything, but it doesn’t actually matter what’s important to me, like that was my story. Connection is more important than control. But what matters is what’s important to you, what your values are, because once you know what matters to you. You, you can start making small choices that align with your values. And when ADHD throws you up, course which it of course it will, you’re going to have something to come back to.

This is exactly why I created the course raising kids, raising yourself, the Empowered ADHD parenting course, raising your kids, raising yourself. So like we want to raise great kids, but in order to do that, we’ve got to develop some skills. We’ve got to spend some time raising ourselves. Listen, this course starts Wednesday, April 2. That’s just in a couple days, and it is inside my focused ADHD coaching program. In this course, you’re going to learn how to let go of the constant weight of guilt that you’ve been carrying around. You’re going to learn how to cut through the daily chaos and bring real connection to your parenting. You’re going to learn to rebuild trust and closeness, even when the past ADHD struggles have strained your relationship and no matter what age your kids are, you’re going to learn to manage your emotions so you can show up with intention instead of reacting on impulse, and you’re going to learn to be the safe, supportive presence that your kids of any age, need. And all of this doesn’t happen without intention ADHD, or it does not happen without those mindful moments. And if you’ve been trying to do it on your own, but you just can’t seem to make any changes, you need to join focused for this course, we start Wednesday, April 2. That’s very soon. So go to I have adhd.com/focused to join. That’s I have adhd.com/focused to join. All right, let’s move on to the research of the week.

I found this study to be so interesting, it was a 52 week intervention that was conducted with a group that met weekly for 20 weeks, and then after those 20 weeks, it met monthly. This is a group of ADHD ers who received group education and individual support to improve lifestyle habits. What’s really cool is that pre and post tests showed positive changes in physical activity, quality of life, general health and mental health.

The full article is called the importance of belonging to a context a nurse led lifestyle intervention for adult persons with ADHD. What I love about this is that it stressed the need for belonging in community as an intervention for adults with ADHD, and I just invited you to join my focus ADHD group coaching program. And I want to say that it is evidence based to do self development work for adults with ADHD in the context of community, it is an absolute game changer. Here’s what the article says.

Participation in the intervention fostered a sense of togetherness, trust and support which gave participants, which gave participants the energy and strength to manage daily life. Group relationships provided comfort, understanding and a sense of normality, allowing individuals to open up and feel truly seen. Many participants had previously struggled with loneliness and a lack of support, feeling isolated in their experience as adults with ADHD, the intervention created a space where they could connect with others facing similar challenges, easing the feelings of hopelessness and fostering hope for a healthier lifestyle. I cannot stress enough, and this study supports it. The importance of community for adults with ADHD, that absolutely does not have to be my program, but it does have to be something. Where are you finding community? Because if you are struggling, if you want to make forward progress, but you just feel so lonely and so hopeless and like you just can’t get it together. Community, like minded community is the place to start. I highly, highly recommend finding a group of neurodivergent folks, not just any kind of peeps, neurodivergent folks, that can share their own struggles with you so that you feel so much less alone, that can hold space for you when you express just like the quirky struggles of the ADHD life, it is so so important you.

All right, the resource of the week this week, my friend, is a parenting tool that I use daily, and that is called Life 360 if you are a parent who is not tracking your kids every move, you gotta get life 360 and what I love about it is that I have a new driver. I have a child, a neuro divergent child, who is driving on the road in a real car. It’s like, I feel like my newborn baby is just like, out there driving like, how is it that my sweet, sweet, little, tiny, tiny child is, first of all, six one and second of all driving a two ton vehicle. It is crazy. Actually, I don’t know how much cars weigh, but however many tons cars weigh, little four door sedans, that’s, that’s, it’s crazy to think about.

I have been using life 360 my my husband and I have and it’s been really helpful. And this bleeds right into what triggered me this week, because we discovered some shenanigans through life 360 and talk about trying to stay regulated as an ADHD parent when you when you find and figure out and discover shenanigans on life 360 it’s a whole new world parenting a kid who’s not always under your roof, who you’re not driving from point A to point B, who has a lot more freedom than you’re used to. This is a new season for Kristen Carter, and what I have had to work on, and what has been triggering me this week is the discovery of shenanigans and listen to protect my child’s privacy. I’m not going to go into the shenanigans I always struggle with how much to share on this podcast, because I want to be relatable, and I want to actually want to tell you everything about my life. I also want to protect my kids anonymity, anonymity. I also want to protect my kids anonymity and so let me just say that life 360 the resource of the week, is a game changer for anyone who needs to track their kid. It can tell you how fast they’re driving. It can tell you how long they stay in a certain place. It can tell you, like all of the destinations of the day. It can give you reports. We actually just upgraded to the paid version. We used the free version for several years, and we just upgraded to the paid version on account of the shenanigans, if you know what I mean. So resource of the week, life 360 what triggered me this week? Shenanigans discovered on life 360 How ironic is that?

But to wrap it up, I just want to say you can’t pour into your own kids. If your cup is empty, you just can’t do it okay. And so part of my own parenting journey is making sure that my cup is not empty. And for the first 10 years of parenting, I was constantly trying to pour from an empty cup. And what that meant for my kids was a lot of instability, a lot of kind of ping ponging between Cruella de Vil and Mary Poppins, as we’ve discussed previously, a lot of not knowing what to expect, a lot of emotional outbursts because I was pouring from an empty cup, but I’ve learned a better way, and I am really supporting myself as a parent so that I can pour into my kiddos without draining myself completely. So even though I was triggered by the shenanigans, even though the discovery of shenanigans on life 360 made me want to scream. I didn’t I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it. I relied on my supports. I was able to emotionally regulate. And it was a beautiful, wonderful thing. And yes, there were consequences implemented, very swift and immediate consequences, which also is dysregulating, is implementing consequences.

Dysregulating for you, because it is for me, and having to enforce boundaries and having to enforce consequences, it’s not easy, which is also triggering, but swift consequences were implemented. And listen, if you are, like, tracking with me with this whole parenting episode, and you are just like, oh my gosh, yes, this is me. I want you to come and join me for raising kids, raising yourself, the Empowered ADHD parenting course we start next week. Inside of focus, go to I have adhd.com/focused to learn more. That’s I have, adhd.com/focus, to learn more. Come and join me. I will answer all of your questions. I will lead you through a parenting self development journey so that you can raise yourself and raise great kids. I will see you there. I can’t wait to be back. Back with you next week. I can’t wait see you then bye, bye.

Hey. ADHD. Er, I see you. I know exactly what it’s like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That’s why I created focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you’re meant for. You’ll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit Ihaveadhd.com/focused to learn more.