Kristen Carder 0:05
Welcome to the I Have ADHD podcast, where it’s all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with ADHD. I’m your host, Kristen Carter, and I Have ADHD. Let’s chat about the frustrations, humor, and challenges of adulting, relationships, working, and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I’ll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what’s up? This is Kristen Carter, and you’ve tuned in to the I Have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated for the most part, and ready to roll. How are you? Get in here! Happy autumn! It is upon us. It is officially, officially upon us. I hope that you have the most magical, colorful autumn season. That is what I am wishing for you. I am so glad to be with you today. We’re talking about overwhelm, and I just did a webinar on overwhelm. Maybe you caught it, and I’m in the middle of teaching an overwhelm course inside of Focused, and I cannot tell you how applicable this is to my own life, and so I just can’t stop talking about it. This morning is such a great example of overwhelm in my own life. I I live about an hour away from the podcast recording studio, and as you can see, I am in the beautiful podcast recording studio now. And I woke up on time. I was like so like intent on having a regulated, peaceful, and intentional morning, and let me tell you what I did. I sat on my phone and I scrolled, and I lost. I didn’t really lose track of time. I didn’t understand how much time I had, and I was thinking that I had to leave my house at 10 a.m. which is not correct at all, not correct even a teeny tiny bit. And so at 835 a.m. as I’m in the middle of cooking bacon for my son and eating my own breakfast and kind of just like taking it so easy, I realized that what I actually wanted to do was leave the house at nine a.m. not 10 a.m. and it was just one of those moments where it’s just like, Kristen, what are you doing? And usually, I’ve got to say, my internal self talk has improved so much, and I am so much kinder to myself. But this morning, I really got trapped in a shame spiral. Like, what you have had all of this time. I got up at seven a.m. I was like, I’m going to be in the shower at eight a.m. And all of the sudden, I don’t know what my brain did, but it glitched. It literally, I had an ADHD glitch. I’m getting hot just talking about it because it was So frustrating! It was so frustrating, and all of the sudden, I went from this like relax, I’m just getting it all done state to like O M F G. I have 25 minutes to get myself out of the house, and I am supposed to be like dressed, hair and makeup, like all of the things, it was so frustrating. And what happened internally is something that hasn’t happened in a while, which, as I said, was a shame spiral. And then I started to feel shame about feeling shame because I was like, “You have been doing this for so long, and you should be so advanced in in this process. Like, what is going on with you? Why are you feeling shame? So, not only was I now rushed, now really understanding that I was behind on time, I was in a shame spiral, and then I was layering on suffering. In addition to that, I was like feeling shame about feeling shame. It was just so annoying, and I literally had to use my own tools to soothe myself. That is what we are talking about today. What do we do when we are overwhelmed? How do we handle it? There is so much to be overwhelmed about right now in life. If you’re listening to this episode in real time, politically, economically, the world is kind of a shit show, and my goodness, there is a lot to be overwhelmed about. For so many of us we are struggling financial financially. Like everything is so expensive, the job market is horrible. Interest rates on homes have skyrocketed.
Kristen Carder 4:51
Like I just am feeling so much empathy for the state of the world right now, and. That can really lend itself to this constant state of feeling overwhelmed. It is just is a lot, and I just wonder if you are also feeling that. And and for some of us, we really have to take care of ourselves by like not engaging as much as possible in the news and current events because it is just our empathy gets like weaponized against us, and all of the sudden we are literally carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. But even if that is something that you have worked on and you’re really trying to be purposeful about like managing your capacity and managing your own empathy, which I think is something that for those of us who have ADHD and for those of us who are highly sensitive, we really do have to be intentional about managing our empathy and and making sure that it’s not kind of like thrown everywhere, but that we are intentional to be present in our own lives, but in addition to that, I know that we are struggling. We’re we’re just struggling like financially, and we’re struggling with the weight of the bills and the increased prices. And for those of you who are like raising families, like I am in a season right now where my kids are the most expensive that they have ever been, and as someone who like has navigated parenting for years and years, like I’ve been a parent now for 18 and a half years-that’s quite a long time. I can’t believe how expensive kids just continue to be with sports, and now I have a college graduate-I mean, a high school graduate who’s pursuing like education is just like there’s just so much. So I want to talk about overwhelm today because I need it, and I usually bring to you on this podcast the things that I’m struggling with and the ways that I’m working through it, and one of the things that I realize about those of us with ADHD, and this is like so layered, and I’m not going to go into all of it, but what I notice about adults with ADHD is that we usually, not always, but usually, have a distinct lack of support. Now, if you are someone who is privileged enough to be in a supportive family, a supportive marriage, surrounded by a supportive community in a supportive work environment? Good for you. You’re so lucky. You are so blessed. But most of us aren’t. Most of us are struggling. Most of us are actually having to pay for support, and I talk about this a lot in focused because, like, having a distinct lack of support in your life is so difficult. And what it means is now because of that, I am paying for a therapist, I am paying for a coach, I am paying for support in other ways because I just don’t have it naturally, relationally around me, and that’s hard. That is so so hard. So we are here to talk about overwhelm today. And I, like I said, I I did a webinar on this recently, a masterclass webinar, whatever, and I enjoyed that webinar. But I wanted to give you more. I put it on the podcast. It’s in it’s in the podcast feed. It’s on the YouTube’s. But additionally, I just wanted to give you more. I wanted to give you the entire stop method. I wanted to just give you more tools at your disposal. Number one, for free, because some of us just need free stuff right now, free tools, free help. But in addition to that, I am here today to do something that I’ve never done before, which is I’m going to give you my half off code to use for focus to get half off of your first month because the world is a shit show and we need support. And if you listen to this podcast and you find this stop method extremely helpful, and you’re like, I want more of this, I need it, I want you to come into focused, I want you to use the half off code. This is not. This is just so like interesting because usually, y’all, usually this is a limited time offer. It’s during launch only. It’s this like exclusive thing.
Kristen Carder 9:35
But like for those of you, for like the couple 1000 of you that are going to listen to this exact podcast episode, you get to use the half off code, whether it’s now or in six months or in a year. Like you get to use it whenever you want. So you can come into focused for half off your first month. You can access the overwhelm course immediately. Okay, that’s what I want for you. That’s what I’m giving away today. I’m in the mood to be a giver. Why? Because the world is hard. Because we need support. Because overwhelm is kind of overtaking us as a community, in my opinion. And I want to be the solution to that problem. So I’m saying that at the outset, we’re nine minutes in, and I’m just letting you know right away. I’m gonna give you a lot more context around why we’re overwhelmed and how do we deal with overwhelm. And then, if you are like, “Gosh, I just I need more support, I want you to come into Focus. You can go to ihaveadhd.com/focused. Use the code half off and join for 50% off your first month. All right, here we go. Why are we overwhelmed? I mean, obviously the state of the world is so hard, but for those of us with ADHD, we have biology working against us when it comes to overwhelm. We have executive function issues. We have poor working memory struggles with emotional dysregulation. We have time blindness, like I did this morning. Oh my goodness, the time blindness was off the hook. We have dopamine depletion. We have lack of task initiation. We have difficulty prioritizing. We have attention issues. Obviously, we have a brain that gets overwhelmed easily, and what happens with an ADHD brain is that when overwhelm hits, it’s really hard to get out of it because we kind of get stuck in that emotional state of overwhelm. So yes, ADHD is a big issue and a big reason why we’re overwhelmed. But in addition to that, our lives are overwhelming. So in addition to having the ADHD brain that’s more susceptible to overwhelm, we also have too many commitments. The invisible labor that we’re doing all day, all night. We’re parenting. We’re working. We have a lot of unfinished tasks. We have constant interruptions, and the state of the world, as previously noted, is just not great right now. And so we have two things working against us. Yes, our lives are hard. They’re full, and we all have a lot going on. We do. In addition to that, we have an ADHD brain that is struggling to manage all of it, struggling to prioritize, struggling to kind of organize it and suss out what’s most important here. And once we get into that overwhelmed emotional state, it’s very hard to self-regulate and get out of it. I I really want to get the point across today that overwhelm is not a productivity problem. It’s a mismatch between what your ADHD brain can realistically carry and what you believe you should carry. We have this idea that I should be able to manage it all. That I should be able to do it without support. Other people do it without support, or other people have the privilege of support, and I don’t have the privilege of support. But why should I have to pay for support? And what I want you to know is that if it is not inherently in your life, that it may behoove you. I can’t believe I just said behoove like a nerd, like a nerd. It may behoove you to break down that barrier of like I’m annoyed that it’s not readily available to me, and take a step of ownership and just go for it. Your ADHD brain has limited executive function resources, of course, an easily dysregulated nervous system. We’re dealing with poor working memory, time blindness, emotional impulsivity, and a lifetime of internalized expectations that tell you that you should be able to do everything that everyone else does. And we have a fantasy version of what everyone else does. We think that everyone else is nailing it, that they’re getting it done, that their lives are smooth and systematic and succinct and perfect.
Kristen Carder 14:13
And so we look at their kind of highlight reel, their Instagram feed, and we say they have it together, but I don’t have it together, and then we have these expectations of ourselves that we should just be able to do it. So of course we are overwhelmed. Now what we so often do is say, “I’m overwhelmed. The way to get out of this overwhelm is to be more productive. If I could just be more productive, then I would be less overwhelmed. And how many of you have told yourself, as soon as I get to next week, I’ll be less overwhelmed. As soon as I get these five things done, I’ll be less. As soon as X Y Z happens, as soon as I can. Get through this season, I will be less overwhelmed. And what I want to know from you is, how’s that working out for you? How’s that working? Does it work? Because what I see, what I’ve seen in my own life and in the life of my clients is we never get there. We never get to that point where it’s like, oh my gosh, I am like magically calm. I am no longer overwhelmed by the state of the world, or I’m no longer overwhelmed by my to-do list. I’m no longer overwhelmed by the tasks, all of the tasks coming at me, or the shoulds that I keep throwing at myself, like is that a thing? Is it a thing? I don’t think it is. I I want you to really really sit with this for a second. Do you ever actually get there to the place where you’re like, and now I’m good, and now I’m not overwhelmed, and now I feel calm and capable and able to move through this. What I want to give you today is a taste of the tool that I use in focused for my overwhelm course, and I’m only halfway through this course, but I am obsessed with it, I’m obsessed. Yeah, what? Like I’m, I’m absolutely obsessed with it. Why? Because I truly believe that this right here is the solution to our overwhelm issue. And I will tell you, the solution is not make a list. Because what happens when you make a list? You put 7000 things on the list, including all of the things that you’ve wanted to do for the last four years, all of the things that you’ve told yourself I should do, I should be able to do. Good people do these things, so I should do them. So we make this gigantic list, and then because of our ADHD executive dysfunction, we struggle to organize the list. We struggle to prioritize the list. We struggle to know what is actually crucial and essential to get done from the list. And so, we look at this massive list, and instead of being less overwhelmed because we’ve made a list. We’re actually more overwhelmed because the list is so massive. Sit with that for a second. Is that you? Is that your story? When when productivity people are like, “Well, you just need to make a list, I actually think that’s a terrible idea. I actually actually think that’s a terrible idea. At least a terrible idea as a first step, because our list is never ending, and what we truly struggle with is to discern what is the one thing today that matters. That that’s where we truly truly struggle. So sure we can make the list, but all kinds of random stuff goes on the list, and then we are so bogged down by the ball and chain that we are dragging around the ball and chain that is this list that we’re just like, okay, now I have a list. Now I have the 17 million things that I know I need to do, but instead of it lightening my load, it’s actually increased the weight that I’m carrying. This is a big issue, such a big issue that I’m talking with my hands like a weirdo because it just needs to communicate what a huge issue this is. So, how do we solve the problem of overwhelm? Like I said, I’m going to give you more than I even gave on the webinar that I put out recently.
Kristen Carder 18:55
Because I just I want you to have it, and I want you to know that there are steps that you can take, and I also want you to know that there is a supportive community that you can do this work alongside. That is why I am making it so easy, just for you, only for the people that are listening to this podcast. There’s not going to be an email. There’s not going to be a social post. There’s not going to be anything. It’s just for you, just for the select few of you that have pressed play on this podcast. You get to use my half off code to join Focused to do this course to be involved in our community. You get 50% off your first month when you use the code half off. You can go to ihathehd.com/focus to do that. Okay, let me teach you the entirety of my stop method that we use for overcoming overwhelm. The first part, the first piece, is the S in the stop method. The first piece is the S. See what’s happening, and this part is hard because it is actually hard to be honest about what’s going on. It’s actually painful to observe clearly. Oh, I’m really overwhelmed right now, and then, like I said, with what I went through this morning with my unhinged morning, oftentimes when we see what’s happening, it can kind of trigger this shame spiral, this additional suffering that we have. So we see it, we observe it, we say oh my gosh I’m overwhelmed that’s what’s going on and then immediate shame spiral this shouldn’t be so hard why is this easier for everyone else how come everybody can do it but I can’t what is going on with me what is wrong with me I’m broken all of a sudden we’ve gone from this state of observation to the state of shame, and so the key thing that we need to bring in here is compassion. And there’s so much research. I have a whole chapter on self-compassion in my upcoming book. There’s so much research that shows that self-compassion is protective. It’s not letting yourself off the hook. It’s actually protecting you because it’s allowing you to stay connected to yourself in the midst of trial, tribulation, conflict, overwhelm, and so instead of hopping on the shame spiral, we’re instead staying connected to ourselves through self-compassion, and that sounds like, hey, I can see you’re overwhelmed. This is really hard. Take a deep breath. You’re really overwhelmed right now. There’s a lot going on. Of course you’re overwhelmed. Of course you are. Deep breath with me. Stay here. Don’t hop on that shame spiral. It’s okay that you’re overwhelmed. You have ADHD. There’s a lot going on. I think you’re in a state of overwhelm right now. This is you talking to you. By the way, this is you talking to you. Imagine being able to use that tone of voice and that amount of compassion and kindness with yourself. You’re observing what’s going on. You’re stopping. You’re seeing what’s happening, and you’re saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s a lot going on here. You can see you’re overwhelmed, and that makes sense because there’s so much happening in your life. There are so many demands, and you’re shoulding on yourself quite a bit. If we’re being honest, you you’ve added a lot of shoulds here. So yeah, of course, of course, you’re overwhelmed. That moment of stopping and seeing what’s happening is the key moment for the ADHD brain, and this is probably the hardest part for us because we just live on the hamster wheel, don’t we? We just live on that wheel. We’re just going and going and going and going. Sometimes we’re not making any progress. Sometimes we’re just on that hamster wheel, and we’re just like frenetic, urgent energy, but not actually accomplishing anything, which of course perpetuates the overwhelm. So the actual method of stop. If you can write it down, if you can see it, if you can truly make it a practice, it will change your life. See what’s happening. Whoa, you are overwhelmed. You’ve got a lot on your plate, and your emotions have skyrocketed. I can see what’s going on for you here. Whoa! Don’t don’t spiral into shame. Come back to me. Come back. Come back. We’re gonna get through this together. We are.
Kristen Carder 24:10
We’re gonna get through this together. Now, what most of us do is we can observe the overwhelm, and then we want to rush right down to the productivity, which, by the way, is the very last step. If you’re listening on audio and you’re not seeing the graphic, totally fine. But just so you know, productivity is the last step. But we so often try to solve for overwhelm by going straight to being productive. The problem with that is we’re often not making valuable decisions when we move straight into productivity because we’re taking that frenetic, urgent energy, that panic that we feel. That’s like, oh my gosh, I’ve got so much going on. I just need to do something. I just. Need to do something to solve this problem. We’re usually using that energy to move into productivity, and then what? What do we do? We’re hopping around like a like we’re buzzing from one thing to the next, usually not really accomplishing anything. And sometimes, if we are getting things done, we realize later that wasn’t actually the priority. That that actually wasn’t the thing that I needed to get done, and so then we feel like frick, I wasted my time, like, and now I’m overwhelmed again. So it’s just like a cycle that repeats. So I really want you to understand that productivity is the very last step. After you observe what’s happening, you see it. You’re like, dude, you’re in overwhelm. We need to take a beat here. We need to just notice that you are super overwhelmed. The next thing we want to do is T. So we’ve done S. See what’s happening. Next is tea. Take the pressure off. I want you to think of like like a pressure cooker or a pressure valve where we’re just kind of like opening up that valve and letting some steam out. This is the part where we spend just a couple minutes regulating, just a couple minutes. We want to take some time to regulate. Why? And I can already hear you’re like Kristen. I don’t have time. I have time to regulate. I don’t have time to feel my feelings. I’m overwhelmed. I got to get shit done. I got to do it. I got to do do do do do. That’s the hamster wheel, my friend. That’s the spin cycle of the washing machine just going around and around and around and around. No, no, no. We actually need to stop, see what’s happening, and then take some of the pressure off. We need to open up that pressure relief valve. Why? Because when we are dysregulated, when we are in the actual like body feeling state of overwhelm, we don’t have access to our frontal lobe. We truly don’t. We don’t have access to the part of our brain that allows us to make a useful, good decision. We don’t have access to that part of ourselves that says, “Okay, what’s the most important thing? How can I organize this? Because we are just totally flooded, and I know that you know what it feels like to be totally flooded. I know you do. I know you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast if you didn’t, I know that you know what it feels like to be totally flooded and not have access to those good decision-making parts of your brain to your frontal lobe. So you really need to know, like logically, that when you are dysregulated, you don’t have the ability usually to make a great decision. Now, the solution to that is regulation. The solution to that is taking the pressure off. The solution to that is opening the pressure relief valve, so that you can take some of that steam out and be in a more regulated state. Are you going to feel calm? Probably not. Probably not. I wish I could. I wish I could promise that, but probably not. But will you be more regulated and more able to make a good decision? Yes. The method that we use for emotional regulation inside of the focus program is surf, and when you surf, a big part of the surf method, which I teach in detail in the overwhelm course, a big piece of the surf method is allowing the emotion in your body to unfold, letting it unfold-that’s what the U in surf stands for.
Kristen Carder 29:03
I just made a U shape with my-I don’t know why. I don’t know why. That’s what the U in the surf method stands for. Let the emotion unfold in your body. You want to take a minute, and we can do it here together, where we say, “Okay, oh, this is a lot. I’ve already seen what’s happening. That’s the S. I notice that I’m overwhelmed. I’ve added in a little self-compassion, and now I’m just going to let the emotion be in my body, and I’m going to breathe through it, and I’m going to take a moment to let that intensity course through me, I’m letting that intensity course through my body, and I’m breathing through it, and I’m taking a moment to take some of that pressure off, taking a moment to regulate, taking a moment to. Let this emotion unfold in my body, and then once I’ve taken a moment to do that, maybe two minutes. Now I’m going to get myself back online. Okay, so like yes, I’ve let the emotion be there. I’ve breathed through it. I’ve noticed it in my body. I’ve let it intensify. I’ve let it course through me. Now I want to get myself back, and so now maybe I’ll do some jumping jacks, or I will wring out my hands like this, or I’ll rub my palms together, or I’ll pat on my thighs, or I’ll maybe I’ll do this butterfly. If you’re watching on YouTube, you can see crossing my arms on my chest, and I’m doing these butterfly taps, and this is called bilateral stimulation, and I’m just kind of getting myself back. Hello, let’s get back online. Super dysregulated, but we need to come back to ourselves. So much of overcoming overwhelm is reconnecting with myself so that I can make a good decision. Reconnecting with myself, so I can be fully present and online, and not just running around on the hamster wheel, making absolutely no progress and increasing the intensity of my overwhelm all throughout the day, and not getting anything done. No, no, no, no. We’re not doing that anymore, my friends. We are not doing that anymore, we’re gonna see what’s happening. That’s observation. We’re gonna take some of that pressure back. Take some of the pressure off. That’s regulation. The next thing, this part is my favorite part. This is my favorite part. We’re gonna open up to what you need. That’s the O. So we’re using the stop method. S, see what’s happening. T, take the pressure off. O, open up to what you need. This is all about delegation and support. Open up to what you need. Do you know that it is so hard for most people with ADHD to name their needs, be honest about their needs, and ask for what they need. How do I know? Because I surveyed 2165 adults with ADHD, and this came up as a persistent issue from that snapshot group of people with ADHD, that is actual data, but just anecdotally in my coaching program, focused. I’m seeing this constantly. When and and I’m curious for you when I say open up to what you need, especially in that tone, open up and just like this gentle tone, does it make you want to vomit? Does it? Because for most people, that answer is yes. The vulnerability of being honest about what you need and the audacity to actually ask for it is so hard for us. So I’m going to ask you: If you are in a state of overwhelm right now, what is it that you need? Tune in to your own inner wisdom. Ask yourself, what do I need? What do I actually need right now? Now the answer might be, I need help. I need to say no to this volunteer position. I need to tell this person that I’m not able to do the thing that I thought I was able to do. Those are that’s hard. That’s hard because what we want to do is everything. What we want to be is a robot. What we want to think of ourselves as is superhuman. I don’t have any limitations. I can do everything I want to do, and not only can I do everything I want to do, I can do everything that everyone else wants me to do too. Right, right. And we wonder why we’re overwhelmed.
Kristen Carder 34:02
We wonder why we’re overwhelmed because we say yes often impulsively, often to chase the dopamine, often to people please and make people happy with us. And do you know it’s hard saying no, saying no to ourselves, saying no to other people, but this is a huge reason why we create overwhelm for ourselves in our schedule with other people at our jobs because we are a lot of you at your job are working outside of your job description. You’re you’re carrying more than is yours to carry. Maybe you are saying yes to volunteering. You’re saying yes to things your kids want to do that you know, like we don’t have the time, the money, the capacity to do this. But I don’t want to tell them no, so I say yes, and then I suffer. I suffer with overwhelm. So the. Oh, part of the stop method is all about being honest with yourself and other people. Now, if you suck at this, if you’re like, I would never, I would never, I could never, I don’t know my limits, I don’t know how to set boundaries, I don’t know how to tell someone no without spiraling and shame and rejection sensitivity. I don’t know how to look an adult in the eye and say like I’m not able to do that for you. I feel like I’m going to get in trouble of all of the time. If this is you, you need to come into focused. You need to use that half off code. You need to go through this course because I go into this extensively, and we have classes on boundaries and limits and how to interact as an adult. Because guess what? Adults get to say no. Adults do. Adults get to say no. And one of the biggest skills we have to learn is how to say no to ourselves. And this, for me, is my biggest pain point: is saying no to myself. It’s not necessarily saying no to others. I’ve actually developed that skill and gotten quite good at it. But saying no to myself in order to preserve my sanity and to stave off overwhelm, and saying no to myself, having those internal limits, those internal boundaries, the understanding of my capacity, and how my fantasy of what my life should be and what I should be able to do doesn’t actually match up with the reality of my capacity. Are you with me? Do you notice that for you, you have a fantasy version of like how you should be, what you should be able to do, what should get done, what what you should be able to volunteer for or say yes to the fantasy of that, and does it match up with the reality of who you actually are, what you can actually manage, what your nervous system can actually handle, what is actually costing you at the end of the day, or the end of the week, or the end of the month. So many of us are not tuned in to our own capacity, to our own ability, like understanding of our ability to handle things. And remember, I said this at the beginning: overwhelm isn’t a productivity problem; it’s a mismatch. Mismatch. That’s a hard word. It’s a mismatch between what your ADHD brain and body can realistically carry, and what you believe you should be able to carry is a mismatch there. What you actually can carry and what you believe you should be able to carry. So, in the stop method, we’re going to see what’s happening, which is observation. We’re going to take the pressure off, which is regulation, and we are going to open up to what you need from yourself and from others. That’s the delegation support piece. What would it be like for you to say no? What would it be like for you to cancel something, what would it be like for you to preemptively set a limit and say, you know what, I think that’s actually going to induce overwhelm, so I’m going to say no to that. I don’t think I can handle it. What would that be like for you? What a grown-up thing to be able to do.
Kristen Carder 38:39
What would it be like for you to be able to go to your partner and say, “Hey, I’ve been carrying this thing for our household, and I don’t think I can carry it anymore. So, are you willing to share the load, or are we going to outsource this? Because I am no longer available to be the solution. Oh my gosh, I just got so fired up! Imagine being able to say to someone, “I’m no longer available to be the solution for this. I’ve done that a lot relationally, and that has helped me quite a bit with my own overwhelm is saying to people, I’m I can’t be the solution to your relationship desires, to your relationship requirements, to your like you want to be entertained. I can’t be the solution to that. I’m just I’m I’m no longer available to be the solution. I just can’t. I won’t. Okay, so open up to what you need. The last one, and this is the one that you’ve all been waiting for, right? Because you’re like, we’ve always thought that the way that we solve overwhelm is to be productive, but this is the last step. Once you have seen what’s happening, you’ve observed it, you’ve taken the. Off. You’ve regulated. You’ve opened up to what you need. You’ve delegated, and you’ve like elicited support. Last, lastly, we finally proceed one step at a time. This is the productivity piece. Finally, finally, this is the productivity piece proceed one step at a time. the The reason why this comes last is because we already know that it doesn’t work to try to be productive while we’re feeling panic, urgent, chaotic. It doesn’t work. We don’t get anything done, or we get the wrong things done, or we get the right things done, but it takes us three times as long. So first, we have to observe, we have to regulate, we have to delegate, and then we can say what is the most important thing. I absolutely love the book Essentialism. You’ve heard me talk about it many times on this podcast. I don’t know if the author Greg McEwan is neurodivergent, but my goodness, is it the perfect book for a neurodivergent person? And if you are struggling with this part, like okay, if I only had to get one thing done, what would I do? I want you to read the book Essentialism. The audio book is great. It is a very easy listen. I absolutely love his accent. I don’t know where he’s from, but I love his accent. It’s a really, really wonderful listen. But in that book, Essentialism, Greg McEwan makes the point that we live in a culture that pretends that everything is important, and it’s not. We have to come to terms with the fact that everything is not important. As a matter of fact, only one or two or maybe three things are essential. That’s it. That’s it. So this morning, when I was completely overwhelmed because at 835 I realized that I was actually supposed to leave the house in 25 minutes, which I did not do. I did not do. I left late, and that is whatever. It is what it is. But this morning, when I just felt this flood of overwhelm come come through my body, and I was like, “Oh my gosh! And I started to shame spiral. And then I looked around my kitchen, and literally there was bacon frying in a pan. Like I was in the middle of so much chaos. There were dishes all over the counter. I was like in the middle, about to eat my breakfast. It was just like there was so much happening. I literally went through these steps. Okay, I saw what happened. I was like, “Whoa, okay, wow. We just had a realization that threw us for a loop. This realization of like, “I got to get out of the house and I need to leave now. Okay, I see what’s happening. You’re completely overwhelmed, and of course you are. And I brought in some self compassion. You’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna get through this. I took the pressure off. I, even though I was like, I do not have time to regulate. I I know better logically. I know that I don’t have time not to do it. I just don’t.
Kristen Carder 43:23
I I know that I will waste my time if I don’t regulate. And so I stood there in the middle of my kitchen with my pajamas and my UGG slippers and my cozy robe, and I was like, “All right, feel this feeling. Take some deep breaths. We’re going to take the pressure off. Then I opened up to what I need. What do I need? I need to go fast, and I need to not worry about how my husband is going to feel when he walks into the kitchen and it’s a mess. That’s what I needed, and then I was like, proceed one step at a time. I have got to finish the bacon because literally was in the middle of cooking. Finish the bacon, eat my breakfast, take a shower. Those are my three essential things. Finish the bacon, eat my breakfast, take a shower. That’s it. Dishes were I’m talking a mess, not essential. Sorry, sorry to my husband. Sorry to my family. Dishes were not essential. I knew that I needed to finish the bacon, eat my breakfast, get in the shower, and that’s what I did. I was productive in a way that helped me go toward my goal of getting out of the house as soon as possible. Did I get out at nine a.m. I did not. I did not, and that is okay. That is okay because here we are. I’m doing the thing. I’m here with you. That is okay. So proceed one step at a time comes absolutely last after we have already offered ourselves self compassion. We’ve regulated. We’ve delegated, and now I can make a decision moving forward. This is the stop method that I teach inside of Focused. If you come and join us, you can have this course immediately. It is in the bonus section of our membership portal. It is yours immediately. You can use the code half off to join us. I hope you do. I hope you do. I hope that if you are someone who knows that you’re not surrounded with support, that you give yourself the luxury, the the luxury of paying for support. And I know it is a luxury. I know it is. I am not someone that has the luxury of natural support, other than my husband. I don’t have family support. I don’t have much community support. But I give myself permission to pay for support from a therapist, from a coach, so that I can function, and I want to write you a permission slip and say you’re allowed to do that too. Go to ihavehd.com/focused. Use the the code half off to join us. And I hope that this podcast itself, in its own container, was super helpful and life changing for you. And I’ve got to tell you that this work is the work of our lives. This work is something that we have to practice over and over. And if you want to do that in community, come join Focused. I cannot wait to talk to you next week. I will see you then. Bye bye. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation-you know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn’t find anything, so I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. And then I created Focused for you. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I’m confident that you will too. Go to ihaveadhd.com/focused for all details.
